The feeling of falling asleep crying

The feeling of falling asleep crying and then waking up is just miserable - I don't want to go back to sleep, I don't want to feel so 'down'... Deep inside I don't believe that this friendship can be restored. Perhaps all along I've adopted the escapist mentality "Just pretend everything is alright." And you know too, that it's not. Just waiting to see my initiatives.

So many articles, books, telling me about conflict management, mediations... Now it's my own one... so how? I am clueless, it feels so ridiculous having some wise person sitting in our problems and spouting some wise advice... I'd much rather talk privately... but at the same time, I know it would not resolve anything as he'd still stick to his guns... I wish he didn't, I'd love him more if he was not so chauvinist, so traditional-minded that he has to defend his 'inactions', which is totally his fault, by the way. Even Frankie agrees that he should come out and apologize, sincerely.

I don't think I can choose being close to one and not the other. I don't want to. I'm still upset. Overwhelmingly so. I'm afraid I'd burst into tears at the meeting up, which would not help one single bit, and make him feel somehow guilty... I don't understand my volatile emotions, I don't give serious thoughts to them. I'm just somehow puzzled that I will feel so... And wish for someone to tell me exactly what they mean.


God can you send me a friend who will just understand me, somehow?

Being in this situation makes me realise how helpful it would be to have someone, on my side, who's looking out for me, and will support me, lend me a shoulder to cry on, be practical, wipe away the idiotic tears and let me handle my problems myself. Someone, whom I'm waiting for.

I want to solve this as soon as possible. Crying is tiring... I wonder how those Korean actresses get paid... it's unutterably tiring and does horrors to my eyes.

Exasperation time with Travis

Been praying for a chance to 'trash things out' with Travis before it turns into resentment or I stop talking to him altogether... I really couldn't take it if I remained silent and sullen, so unlike me... at the same time I worry whether I'm over reacting or should I just ignore my upset-ness... I don't want my feelings to be validated by his apologies, which I know he will, once I bring the issue up. So I did the wisest thing, after trying for the whole day to grab him into a corner which I can't, really. I called him, and told him straightforwardly, "I'm upset with you." And I couldn't say what about 'cuz there's so many little exasperations and idiosyncracies that just makes me so so frustrated, and trying to explain them makes me even more exasperated that I just said, I only called to tell you I'm upset, that's it... ... which at the point he asked the reasons for my upset-ness so that he could improve himself, but I was really... upset, so I just said that that's it lar, I don't care what you do about it, and I'm not asking for an apology, I just wanted to tell you I'm upset that's all.

I'm not so selfish as to want him to change to make me happy. I don't want him to change for me. I'd rather change myself, adapt to the way he is 'cuz I totally understand his rationale for doing things, just that I don't buy into it, and I would never be insincere in doing things, no matter what... The way we view life is totally different and just talking to him, I can wring his neck... or start yelling... haizzzz... Thing is I care, I care too much... and perhaps both of us have the escapist mentality, trying to be nice, knowing but not really understanding. He's as stubborn as me... I think secretly I admire it, 'cuz I'm really standing my ground too.

In the end (Or perhaps it's the beginning) we decided to have a time to meet to really talk it out. That's quite nice of him, although I'm really really skeptical about how 'open' he is.... he still thinks I'm too sensitive (Although he apologized for saying that) and yes, we used the words 'You always....' and 'It's all your fault' in the short conversation, tsk tsk. And he said he'll pray about it...I mean, I do pray about it too. So much, 'cuz I care.

Actually I felt quite sad that I had to bring it up, but I'm even sadder if this friendship were to disintegrate, that we'd just drift apart because of our unique-and -unfortunately-clashing differences... sorry that I feel like this, but I really really feel like this! URRR! Sniff.

In the silences between sentences

::Poem, copyright mine::


Nothing to say
Hiding behind veiled smiles
And polite greetings
And clumsy attempts at initiating warmth
I struggle within
To find the real person
Someone I like
Someone I know
A person who knows me, too.

Needing a chance to let you hear me
A moment for a little conversation
Happiness defined in a single instant
Newfound joy at small pleasures,
And immediate answers.

In the silences between sentences,
I look into the sky
And catch a glimpse of your smile.

It remind me of a hand behind the scenes
It reassures me
That when everything fails,
When there’s nothing else to be said,

I can still hear the words that mean everything.


_______________________________________________

Many times when I'm praying to God I wonder whether my mumblings actually effect anything on earth - most of the things I pray about are those that need long-term visionary skills... However I have prayed about the small things, too, and God has been amazingly good in bringing them to pass instantaneously. I have increased faith, and a smile on my face as He gives over and above the things I've asked for -my wants, my desires. Everything in His time.

Categories: poetry,

all together now... captured with smiles 

Knowing Me, Knowing You. Committee! 

After one night of an illicit copulation...

Had very, very mixed feelings yesterday.

Mum told me the good/bad? news.

Mitten is a new father.

One month ago, lil bro secretly put Mitten in the ladies' cage. For a night. Found out the next afternoon when I was chirping for them and only Misty came out, then realised that Mitten was not in the cage. Had 5 minutes of paralyzing fear when I thought that he was mauled by Meme. He peeked out of the ladies' cage... And all was well.

Didn't know Mitten was... ummm, sexually mature yet. He's soooo small, it's like a teenage pregnancy/birth and as a single mother of sorts, I feel slightly guilty. I should have taught him better, educated him about abstinence and ... consequences of copulating. At the same time, I'm really proud of the kiddo 'cuz the lady produced 6 hamlets - actually 7, one was a stillbirth. 6 small, red squirming hamlets (hamsterlets? hamsterlings? urh.) Hope they look like the father 'cuz he's so handsome... Ah... Asked Shiner if he wanted some in his hall, he gave me a half shocked, half disgusted look and giggled and said it was too troublesome. Was still reeling from the shock last evening after I got home from Adam but now, I guess I look forward to watching them grow up from small, furless, red, peanut-sized, hamlets.

Something else to occupy my mind

When God speaks, He speaks.

And I'm not a terrific listener so He'd have to repeat the message again; over and over, until I get it.

Mmmm.

I've realised that I'm always occupied with something - mentally, I have to keep my mind running on numerous deep thoughts; on the road, I have to plug in music and drift away half of my senses on the sounds. There's not really a moment of silence, a moment of peace. And I pray, but I realise too that I've been investing too much of my prayers into other preoccupations rather than my ministry. Nothing wrong with that, but they are not my priorities right now. I shall challenege myself to pray like 70% (if it can be quantified) for cell and members, and maybe the rest on my personal prayer needs. I'm still unquenchably happy, this is just an area which I feel God is moving me to improve on for now.

Also, He spoke to me, about the 'abandonment of my preoccupations'. It's tough, this one. Told my prayer buddy yesterday - to pray over this area for the next two weeks or so.

_________________________

FOP was great, I was overwhelmed at the fact that there were 13,000 of us worshipping God together at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. Yes, it was crowded, hot and stuffy, there was pushing and cutting queue...some of my friends couldn't get in... but, the presence of God was there from the first song.

Ulp?

Ulp.

Still have many many many things to do for 'Knowing Me, Knowing You." Help! Aye I'd better get some people to help me out here... On saturday, see who's free to do some banner- and sign- making. Mailbox surprisngly full cuz I received over 10 emails with the red '!' sign, which probably means that it's important for me to ACT UPON... Hahaha by tuesday anyways. Hope my monday is a loooong one.

My biscuits are finishing. The rainy weather makes me hungry... Very hungry. Well, they lasted quite long... thinking of bringing some cookies to share with the famished in the FOP queue tomorrow. Or perhaps I'd just distribute muesli bars. I have an inner raving hillsong fanatic. But I guess I'd just queue quietly. Should be optimistic, maybe there isn't even a queue, and miraculously we can all get to sit together!

Realised something today, that if I click on the green 'start' button on my desktop (computer la), and go to 'all programs', go to 'accessories', go to 'system tools', there is a scroll list where, amongst the many commands, I can select "Character Map"... and once clicked, a list of black and white symbols beckon, some familiar, some looking like nondescript squiggles, indistinguishable from the next squiggle... Was thinking, how great it would be if all of us were like computers - I mean, this part where we can just click on 'Character Map', and then the 'answer' just pops up and we can view each other's characters, instead of taking a whole lifetime to discover it, to discover our own. Maybe I'd choose to 'hide' mine, there are so many people outr there with a better 'character map' than mine - I'm increasingly sarcastic and think evil thoughts at times, accompanied with the evil laughter. Wouldn't say I'm selfish, but I should criticise less and encourage more. Flipped through 'Boundaries in Dating', it told me that it's 'not advisable' to date liars. Well, of course. Then they noted down some lying thoughts I'm guilty of - about being with someone in the past, about the past, about things that happened... goes on to say that there are two kinds of liars, one is those 'no hope liao', despicably self centred types, the other is one that has a heart but needs some character improvement, probably 'cuz they haven't had any good role models or not mature in this area. And I was thinking, aye, that's me. And I suffer, for being so analytical, too analytical of myself.

Ultimate Prayer Generator

As long as there is faith, we should never doubt the power of prayer. Even in the little insignificant things that you think don't really matter to God or to anyone else.

Power Weekend - just over with a wonderful ministry by Rev Che Ahn; "Crossing Over to the Other Side" - served at the altar, such a privilege to see up close the healings and salvations. My cell member happily reported to me that on Sunday, her mother's back pain (due to work conditions) was miraculously gone. Her mother also knew that it was the work of God, as Fifi shared with her about Power Weekend. I rejoice along with her, it is all the more meaningful to me as we prayed together about it during cell last tuesday. It became a personal victory for me, too! Fifi has herself undergone trials of faith, being diagnosed with thyroidism a few years back. Just seeing her faith level rising because of God's gracious answer sends me into bursts of joy.

Was just thinking how nice it would be if there is some sort of user-friendly device where we can input our secret prayer requests and there would be a team praying constantly, round-the-clock for every lil request. Sheepy shared that he had his core group guys to cover him in prayer every day of the week - one guy taking one day. Quite an ingenious idea, but I told him that those who are committed to praying for me has to have a greater discipline - they must pray for me, everyday. Hoho. I could do with a few more though, realised that sometimes I don't share enough of my prayer requests, as a result they take a longer time to see fulfilment. So, Rachel's potential prayer buddy, pls sign up here... ...

Even though God has answered many of my personal prayer requests, I recently wondered whether some of my prayers were futile. Last year while in Alpha Track, I prayed everyday for three months, for Kenny - He was a new believer who became a companion of sorts. And he seemed to flourish, attended prayer meetings and such regularly. Even shared that he took one hour to read the Bible daily - something which even I cannot do. However, he took a sudden turn into disappearing and once he was gone, I thought that he would never come back. His priorities was not with God. My faith faltered a bit, and even though I would sms him periodically about church, I never prayed for him after that. Perhaps I felt it was a waste of time. Perhaps I was just too disappointed, having invested too much time and energy. It's harder to see personal friends backsliding, more so than cell members, for me.

But a year later, exactly last week, he came; for the first time in a year, to the 5pm service.

God works miracles, indeed. When I saw him, it was as if God was chiding me, that although I could not see the physical fulfilment of SOME of my prayers now, being faithful in intercession is something I cannot give up.

Made it a point that when I said to people "I'll keep you in prayer", I really will remember to write it down and pray. (But they also never feedback to me whether the prayer is answered or not, perhaps I need to ask them again.)


And personally, I'm still believing for many many things.

For my friends who are overseas, that God will sustain them.

For my friends who are wanting to be attached, and then married, (that they will stop pressurizing me into it too! Haha!)that they will find God's best to settle down with them, soon.

For people that need healing from their sickness.

For my backslidden friends... hopefully they will commit themselves to a Trinity cell again.

For myself, all I want is to be happy, to be a good cell leader, to fulfil my destiny... and a thousand other small requests...

A weird state of being closer

'Do not forget that the value and interest of life is not so much to do conspicuous things... as to do ordinary things with the perception of their enormous value.'
-Pierre Teilhard De Chardin.

It's hard being a thinker when you can't reconcile your feelings to your thoughts - that in the view of self-expression and genuine emotion, you want to tell someone what you think about how he feels; yet, there isn't and probably never will be 'a suitable time', to 'trash' things out, and the peeved-ness is smothered under a blanket of politeness, albeit insincerely.

Sheepy said something really amazingly contradictory today, once again on the topic of love, as our tenet course draws near: He mentioned how he cliqued well with older girls because of their maturity, yet found some of their thinking more immature as compared to his'. Then he said that to younger people, he would try to talk down to their level (something I would never agree with), to communicate with them effectively. But if the reverse is true, then perhaps the older girls he knew, knew he was younger and more immature, thus talking down to his level which they imagined to be, thus appearing immature to him? He had to concur on that. Kudos to my logicality - but I found it very tiring trying to explain to Shiner and Sheepy my thoughts on deep stuff, although I do treasure meaningful conversations.

Later, while sipping chinese tea and eating a nice sunday brunch of congee and various dim sum(The egg pastries were nice) he asked me: "So, what is THE quality you are looking for (in a potential mate)?" I quietened down my fiery mood (Lack of sleep, so super defensive feel) and replied, that he has to be faithful. Perhaps, being sensitive for once, and seeing that I could be possibly on the verge of tears (no, I wasn't) Sheepy did not make any other interrogations, but left it at that and we moved on to other topics. I think I told them that any unfaithfulness is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship, can't blame the guilty party alone.

I'm glad I have these friends to support me at this point of time - Still ambiguous about Sheepy, he seems to be behaving weirdly these days... ultimately hope that things will be like it was before, although I don't really expect it to. What can I do, I've already presented myself at his door with my time and listening ears, but he didn't seem in the mood to share one-on-one. So many questions, left unanswered as perhaps I'm not really interested in hearing his explanations, given his state of being. I've decided to not interact that much these days, but just perhaps let everyone have some time to themselves. Already am seeing Shiner like 4 days out of 7, Dee asked jokingly, how come we're like Siamese twins? Everyday must talk to each other isit? To which I replied back, 'Nah, alternate days is okay...' All that aside, I'm happy for the fact that I've a buddy, one who will at the very least show evident signs of concern for my well-being. Not to mention, a grocery carrier too! Had a fun time buying some nice, expensive biscuits from Marketplace at Tanglin. Hopefully the bags' worth will last for breakfast this week, I'm a horrible cookie snacker.

Meandering in the secret garden, a place once found

Certain people just need some time spent with them - an undivided, quality attention time; and they will tell you bits and snippets of their life, that, when you leave, you feel as though a part of their souls have been safely deposited with you. And you leave, peaceful in the fact that you part a little bit closer, having a deeper understanding of each other, and of how that friendship came to be.

That is the way it is, with me. And with you too. Or so I thought. Perhaps I was oblivious to the way we did not manage to find our way together, or the times that we clashed, I took it as playful banter. But time and again, I became disappointed as I looked for a time, an opportunity to share my thoughts, but you unseemingly brushed these away, as if they were of no consequence. Felt irritatingly hurt at your insensitive comments which I knew you didn't mean, but saying it out anyways had no positive effects on me.

Then I remembered, that it was not always like this. A few short months ago, you used to only have kind words for me - now, your tongue seems brusque. Previously, all I wanted to do was to spend some time chatting with you, for I loved your wise advice and gentle friendliness. Now, your crappiness irritate me, and I am really affected, although I try to take things easy. But I could never tell you that - nor would you take it, in the right spirit.

I know you're not like me, not the sort that would share life stories with everyone - you're reserved... but, it seems as though, when once, I was part of the elite forces of your soul, now, I'm a guest, restricted to the outer courts of your heart. We did have deep meaningful sharings once. Not too long ago. And in the amount of time you took to open up to me, it seems all is inconsequential now due to the state of your thinking. Perhaps it is subconscious - I'd like to think that you don't even know the changes which surfaced in yourself these past months. Maybe an unforeseen incident triggered off some painful past hurts so you put a wall up again. I'm tired of trying, too.

Why are you so guarded? I thought, I was someone you wanted to share with. Maybe, I'm wrong.

It hurts when I see someone I care about very much driving me away, intentionally or not.
My natural response would be to condemn you as not being worthy of my time or energy, and devote my resources to others. But I cannot forget, the times where you looked out for me, the fact that you are still praying faithfully for me. Let me know you more, I'd certainly cherish it - and our friendship, no matter what.

Brimming in blissful glee

Happy, happy happy!

I think someone must have been praying for me to be filled with joy. And yes, it's a blissful state of being where nothing unhappy touches me and I'm constantly smiling to myself, giggling softly at the things that tickle me, looking at my dear friends and beaming at them... wanting to tell everyone, I'm happy! Haha! I'm not often like this - in fact I'm usually trying to be serious and quite, dark... But yea, now, it's as if something has changed in the inside of me! I'm brimming with joy... Overwhelmed, when I see all the possibilities before me, when I know that God is speaking to me, when I see the wonderful people in my cell, helping others, and growing themselves...

It's infectious and I want to make people smile, too.

Maybe this is how it feels when you have no worries, because yo have submitted everything to God in prayer, and you realised recently that things are going your way. Which is, His way. That you are doing good, more things are in store! And you look forward to it with glimmers of anticipation, knowing that even though things don't work out the way you wanted, you can always be thankful that at least it happened. Vague yes, 'cuz it has yet to happen.

And I can't wait!

Being happy in every lil thing

I realised that being overjoyed lately, in a constant state of gleeful happiness, rubs off people. My cell became a giggly bunch, we laughed and laughed today. Retail assistants I met seemed to want to joke with me and were tremendously helpful for my errands today. That's the way it should be, no worries, putting my trust in God for everything to work out just fine. It's not easy for me to do so - and never was, but for weeks now God has been saying, 'Do not grab and grasp, just trust in Me...' That He will make everything beautiful in His Time.

Had a really good conversation today till 3am. Reminiscent of those campus days where Time was of no consequence (if you didn't have morning class), and I could just yakk away for hours and go to bed really tired, and sleep really peacefully till almost noon. That being said, I'm a quality time person, and being on the phone sometimes beats meeting one-on-one. It's definitely more relaxing, and I can just have a focused conversation without worrying about eye contact, whether I look fierce or troubled and the person will misinterpret my body language, just slack into the couch and have a proper, decent conversation which I hadn't, in ages. Of course, me being in an alarmingly overjoyed mood, wanting to change mindsets, 'wake people's ideas' up', and be encouraging, motivational, and sincerely friendly at the same time proved to be no mean feat. Guess he was amazed at how I could be so peppy despite having quite a tiring day, after traisping toapayoh to bencoolen to arab street, to home, to cell, to jalan kayu, still could chirp happily about my cell and ministry! Thought that Shiner wanted to talk, he smsed if I was sleeping (I'm a late 'bird) but when I called apparently he snoozed already. For a moment thought that perhaps something bad had happened... but I guess he was just homesick... not used to his roommate's snoring perhaps! Hahaha.

Interpersonal relationships fascinates me. It's strange how you can 'know' someone for a super long time, and know everything about the person, yet know nothing... and discover that there's so many more hidden facets about this person that are...hmmm, interesting, and you feel sort of 'sucked in' to this person's sphere, that you just want to keep on finding out more and more, and there seems to be a point where, you two are so 'gam' that you start to talk like each other, laugh like each other and know each other's there for you, that there's nothing that will make you feel uncomfortable with each other. You start to be increasingly fond of the person, and naturally, close too.

For me, this always happens, but not with my other-half-to-be. Happy to talk, but no long conversations? No sweet deeper understanding? No nonverbal communication, soulmate-like linking of hearts? Argh. Perhaps these are just trial lessons. For the main course, it will be something special!

=)

"My soul magnifies the Lord ... For He lifts the lowly, He's done great things for me!"

- Mary, in the Gospel of Luke, paraphrased by me.

Woo. It's been an exciting week for me! Made new friends, new cell member arrived from Chennai, caught up with quite a lot of people, managed to clear some stuff and finally start gymming again, new Corrinne May CD! It's great! Exciting days ahead too! Wooo...

Some good advice from Shiner that 'when you smile more', you appear younger. Apparently he does believe in that! So I mischievously shot back at him, "So I should keep smiling at him, issit?" Haha. Looking mature is better than looking childish, I am convinced of that. It's better for people to think I'm 24 than ... 18... I guess! Although nowdays I can't tell ages of people, I am losing my touch. But yes, let me dazzle people with my bootiful smile. Smile more, everyone! (Although when Sheepy frowns at me I find it rather endearing, too!)

I'm thankful, that God has answered my wee prayers - immediately too. I blush as I type, (firguratively), so perhaps now is not the time to pen it down. Shared it with Shiner today as a form of encouragement - to see possibilities, in everything - but I kept laughing with incredulity at 'how can I pray for such a thing' to see it happen, and it did... So, advice to self is to be careful in what you pray for, even though it might seem inconsequential or really nonsensical, ... God hears! And He will answer. Indeed, he did, so directly that I just smiled and smiled at Him, to myself, thinking that it is almost a miracle... an encounter with God, who loves us and is planning an exciting future ahead!

And I'm still smiling now... hee

Everyone longs for someone

Glad to see a long email from Ches in my mailbox today. He's headed to Boston from the Virgin Islands now. I emailed him some of the stuff I posted recently, as he's such an avid reader and I thought it would be nice... help him to see how I view life, too.

He wrote back that:

"...i did feel a fair amount of connection with some of the stuff you wrote, i guess it's what goes through most young ppl's minds. but as for now, 'relationship' is a far away from my mind. why? God hasn't showed me anyone yet..... the usual reasons. i wouldn't say that they're excuses and that i'm secretly longing for someone special; with the life that i'm living now, almost all forms of intimate relationships (e.g. with my mom, close friends) have been sort of on hold, lying dormant. for better or worse, it's as if i've been able to detach that part of me when i leave for sea, storing it safely in some repository, ready to be re-attached as i leave for home. and everytime i do that i feel i lose a bit of my 'emotional sensitivity,' for want of a better word."

I somehow felt so sad after I read that - the honestly, and the depth of emotion summed up in a way I never could. Doesn't everyone long for someone? These days, I've been wondering about something Jelly said - he just spoke out his thoughts absentmindedly, thinking aloud whether a decision is the right one, as he hasn't heard from God yet. I guess, in that sense, he is more spiritual than I am, for countless decisions I've made, I did not consult God per se or even pray about it thoroughly. I do want to tell him though that sometimes - many times, God does not answer audibly - like the way He answered me, when I was making that same decision, a few years back. God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I would like to tell him that yes, just decide, it is correct, I sense God calling you; but then again, how can I be so sure, and how can he base that decision on the trust of my words - a person he doesn't even know well?

Wanted to encourage Jelly to take that step of faith, in believing for the best outcome - but words failed me yet again; and I could only smile, in the silent comprehension of a common understanding between two people who are trying to be godly, and trying to do what is right.

Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence

A book in the hand and a teh-c in the other

Reading - ah, one of my passions, although I don't really fancy reading the news these days... it's an occupational hazard for me too - I have to read fashion mags cover to cover, it's not good - singaporean ones make me want to 'get that dress now!'; tempt me materialistically...and the content is not as good as foreign ones which include more well-written and thought-provoking pieces. 'Allure' is good.

I'm quite a miser when it comes to buying books, perhaps I choose them by their covers, and made really boring decisions(however, they had nice covers); choosing christian books, previously. Thus quite afraid to buy books, only under recommendation or when a preacher comes to town. Lately the only books I bought were Dick Purnell's 'Building a Lasting Love' (Sheepy exerted pressure) and John C. Maxwell's "Your Roadmap to Success" at the campus crusade sale; finished the first one in... 2 months...I'm losing my...passion, usually I can finish a lengthy book in 2 days max. like I did for Dan Brown's 'Da Vinci Code', and lately, 'Angels and Demons' - which had a much better plot and better writing as well.

Found a nice christian book place at City Square, bought 4 books for under $50, quite pleased about that. I'm going to start reading: 1. C.S. Lewis 'On Love'. 2. John C. Maxwell 'Becoming a People Person' 3. Philip Yancey 'Rumours of Another World' (nice, shiny cover) and 4. Henry and Richard Blackaby 'Spiritual Leadership'(Also very nice cover. Embossed!). It's good to know that my cell members are avid bookworms, more so than me... Seeing a newbie buying 3 books at one shot in manna bookstore really encourages me to start investing in good books. Felt that reading books together with people helps the relationship along too, it's simply wonderful reading along with someone who wants to listen to you dissect the entire paragraph and then debate your separate views. I tend to reflect a lot on the internal, so speaking it aloud better helps my thoughts along, compared to an inaudible monologue.

Mewsy lent me "Keep a Quiet Heart", Elisabeth Elliot. This part was especially thought-provoking for me:

Are you willing to be and have what He wants you to be and have, and nothing else? Will you surrender all your own hopes, dreams and plans to Him?

'Is my Father in charge here or am I supposed to take over?' He is in charge if you want Him to be. He will not invade your freedom to choose to 'take over'. But if you want His way, nothing more, nothing less, and nothing ELSE, you've got to leave it to Him...

Even though I've been a cell leader for some time now, sometimes this untamed spirit in me just takes over. Always wanting to rush things - 'cuz I see possibilities ahead of others, wanting to move on fast... I'm still learning to let God lead, it's really pleasurable that way. The vision, dreams for my life, for my cell, it will all come to pass, let God do it!

Realised again today how much I can influence people if I am willing to. Just a small incident at our favorite hawker - somehow, the people at my table ordered the same drink - 'teh-c' as me, perhaps they trusted my taste? God spoke to me actually through this! To influence people in the right way.

Told Shiner at the bus stop, that I wanted to be low-profile in church, I don't want everyone to know my name, to know my cell's name, to think they know me, a part of me, somehow... but because of my involvement in publicity-generating roles, inevitably the whole district gets to know my name and I am really, embarassed and at a loss of what to do or say to those people who know me; but I don't know them. And people would just come up to me and share to me, their lives, anecdotes, things they're facing... I don't know why. People of all ages - my friends' mums, acquaintances.... This, I relish, because it gives me an opportunity to share too, and encourage. But once you think of it, it seems rather freaky that people place so much trust in you, and you wonder, did I do something right here...? Some might say it's a natural ability, a special gift God has placed upon your life. I used to joke that I have the 'tell me your life story' face. I know that God can use my life experiences to be uplifting to those. But maybe, I don't want it - I don't really want to know all the unhappy things, or the struggles, or the shocking stuff... just let me think of them as a carefree, easygoing person without any hangups. An unworrisome imagination.

Once again, God has reminded me to be bold. To speak up and speak the truth - often accompanied by a verse, when it's time to do so. Which I haven't been doing so. 'Cuz I'm bo-chup, when people tell me stuff I just try to be a good listener. Whoever said 'don't give advice' isn't true. After many instances I realised abit of godly advice to a teachable heart transforms lives. I want to be a part of that, too. I will try - even though I could use a bit of sensible teaching, myself.

I hope the next time I drink 'teh-c' or whatever, I won't see people imitating me though!

C.S. Lewis on Love

(This is excerpted from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity)

"Being in Love"

What we call being in love is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, 'the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs.'

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things beow it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling...

Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last, but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense - love as distinct from 'being in love' - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, mantained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God...

'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.


Don't stop your heart from fluttering when it ought to. Don't deny feelings you always knew were there. You never know if you never try, what it feels like to hold the beloved one in your arms, to see the sun light up in the horizon once he smiles at you. Embrace, the essence of love, of two people from opposite genders realizing that they ought to celebrate the story of how it came to be.

"You understand me,
Embrace my fragility.
You keep me safe in a crazy world." - Corrinne May.

2 in like

Some people are naturally encouraging in such a subtle way that you don't realise it until you do.

Sometimes when two people like each other, it doesn't mean they have to be together.

I've ever prayed to God "Help me not to like this person".

With the help of my prayer buddy who dismissed the seriousness with gentle ribbing, but eventually he prayed too, albeit in a humorous way and told me he complied.

I'm always careful of what I pray for, because my prayers work. And it did, I stopped having tremulous feelings and could look the guy in the eye and have a decent conversation with him without my tummy fluttering butterflies.

I prayed that prayer because in reality, which remains unchanged, the future for us was not a part of it, even though he was perfect in all other aspects.

Sometimes when two people like each other, it doesn't mean they have to be together.
They have to ask God and themselves, "Do we share the same destiny?" "Will our destinies converge?"

... to be continued, when I have more answers to the tough ones.

An inclination to Shiner's side

It's always the case for me.

How I develop a sudden bonding to certain buddies of mine because of a burgeoning interest in their good friend. And then when the feeling ends, how these buddies stay on to become permanent fixtures in my life even though we don't talk about loveful feelings anymore.

Lately been attached to Shiner - at his side, like some sort of appendage. It's not intentional on my side, it just happens that amongst the many thorns he's the one with a sincere concern for me, and one I can trust with my words. Also, the time spent dissecting what was said and what was done by the sweet sweet guy, we developed some strong bonding for the both of us. There's no such thing as 'too close' for me - between friends - I always need closer ones, me being so guarded; and Shiner's here for this season.

When people are close, others around them can sense it, they either remain silently observing, or in a true Singaporean way, make jibes at the both of you: "Eh how come you two alone here at the bus stop *hint*" "Both of you like very close, hor" To which I'd usually reply with a sardonic facial expression, and have to reassure the poor guy (Shiner in this case) that being associated with me is not a bad thing in itself and the jibes or whatever will die down, with time. It's one of a many times for me, and I'm sure, not the last. I think I have the wannabe attached look that's why. Or perhaps, they are really interested in 'who I'm waiting for'. Which if they are really interested, I will really tell them his beautiful name. But they didn't ask so the speculation goes on. Spice up their lives a bit...

I realised that some things are not to be rushed, relationships, friendships, there needs to be a certain amount of time invested into it.

It is also through the trying seasons in life that you realise the mettle of your friends - the intensity of their prayers, and their faith in you and God.

For me, I've been trying to be a good friend and cell leader. Every morning before work, whilst waiting for the northbound train (4 mins usually), I will pray for Sheepy's and Fifi's healing to take place. I can't say I'm faithful enough to believe totally that my prayers are effective - for I have just started to believe. I've never prayed for someone everyday before. Not for a really long time. I hope though, I can continue praying months and months and one day, they will tell me that they are healed.

It seems so easy, just to say a lil prayer for someone for a few minutes each day.

If it is so easy, how come I find it challenging...

Some days, it seems so difficult to pray.

NKF scandal : "Commercial relationship" and lack of transparency

With slight excitement I realise that at the centre of the NKF controversy surrounding its' CEO, Mr T T Durai, and his lack of openness regarding some bathroom fixtures and fleet of cars, certain misdemeanors on his side do pertain to my (former) interests.

After all, I was employed at ProtonWeb Solutions - The company owned by Matilda Chua, sister of Elizabeth who was my former superior. Even though I only worked at the place - formerly Cantonment Road, now shifted to Temasek Boulevard - for three months or so, it was enough. Although I was working in a mostly christian environment, Matilda was a staunch Catholic and the rest were Christians from various denominations, I thought that the working experience there was pretty bad, with the usual office politicking and nitpicking about little details that totally irked me. At first, it did not bother me - I did not see the need for me to get involved in the company's dealings as I was only a contract staff, filling in the time for some much needed cash so that I could go on a holiday. However, being a small company, with most of its Chennai engineers situated at the NKF site, I had to handle some telemarketing accounts, notably the ABN-AMRO Moneyline account. It was definitely an environment with high stress levels as I had to handle customer's complaints, liase with the bank, and the Manager in India had to give me a daily update. I thought that it was a very underpaid job for the amount of work I did. Even if they offered me like 2K I wouldn't go back, ever.

But all in all it was a learning, working experience for me to be there with them. I wonder how my ex-colleagues are coping with the scandal. I'm sure they will lose business as a result. Or perhaps the reverse makes more sense - free publicity, unheard of before, in the telemarketing industry. Perhaps now people will remember their name more than Premas (It's the company that answers your call when you are trapped in the lift, haha...) or some other bigshots with funny names.

I do have some doubts about the media and it's inaccurate representations now, because honestly, GlobalNetRelations has ceased operating although it's name is still registered to Matilda. I want to speak up for her, not because I like her, or I'm 'benefitting' in any way, but I really think that she has been misrepresented - the article alludes to some sort of sneakery going on between her and Durai, which I can foresee does not do any good to her family or business relations. All in all, Matilda is really young, in her 30s with a newborn child, and I admire her competence for aggressively obtaining business, whether though personal contacts or not, I felt that all her liasings were above reproach.

It's strange as I was thinking yesterday about being ethical, and I heard that a certain former alliance of mine had set up a company, not too long ago. We were friends once, and I did share to him my (achievable) dream of opening a small apparel retail shop in Singapore, one day soon. He too, told me about the entrupreneurial plans he had, and even suggested we form a partnership. I was skeptical of his 'far-flung' words as I always thought he was too sure of himself, too over confident. Now, I found out that he has set up a business which looks like it's doing well. However, I question the ethicality (if there is such a word) of his doings.

I know his character well, this guy is someone who has an inflated opinion of himself - I do sound harsh here, I'm not that critical usually, but he has really rubbed me the wrong way with many of his deeds which would make him really squirm if it comes to daylight. Being unrepentant is one thing, but constantly being dubious, I cannot stand. And, he is both. Plus also being a 'fair-weather' friend, urgh! I'm glad I'm no longer talking to him, it would be hazardous to my general well-being.

His company's website was like a self-promo of the man, how great he is, and all the achievements listed there proudly. Oh yes, plus his girlfriend's image, cute-ly placed at strategic points to further push the products, the poor girl. I, for one, know that some of his claims are highly exaggerated, like he claims he 'managed the account for a top advertising firm in singapore'; which I know for a fact that that was his attachment job in the polytechnic!!! It's really... disgusting to say the least... and this gives a false impression of how trustworthy his character is, which in reality, is bollocks.

I wonder how some people can convince themselves to believe in an untrue reality, one which is cooked up by themselves.

It is often said that it's the small things that determine your character, and through this, I realise how important it is to represent things authentically. Why hide the truth when there is nothing to be ashamed of? Why tell people things that you need to retract later? No one will believe it, sooner or later. Good advice often falls on deaf ears and I shall highlight his lack of integrity to the people I know who can chide him, even though it may be a waste of my precious resources on my part.


And with companies under the spotlight at the moment for 'lack of transparency', I fear his ego might just lead him to the road of destruction.

Taciturn thoughts

'...what we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.'
(Wittgenstein - Tractatus, 1961)



Is silence the absence of sound, an empty receptacle - Is it possible to experience total sensory deprivation, and still, live?

A silent understanding

The right to remain silent

A respectful one minute silence

Is it ever right for words to remain unspoken when it should?

In a culture where silence is a rare commodity, sometimes a quiet comprehension of situations beheld in the way where only a recognition can come about, without the use of words.

Some feelings, some thoughts are undefinable - when spoken or written about, they seem trivialised somehow by the usage of language that fails to leave an accurate impression or definition of what is within. Too many words/phrases have become too cliched - "Take Care"; "I will miss you when you're gone" ;"I love you"; "Shalom"... When spoken without meaning these words fail to convey sincerity, and the implications of saying them aloud.

Once again I ask myself about the integrity of my actions, and my words, and how perspectives are changed. Being influential, I sometimes scarily rationalise that my actions and words are not decitful in themselves, and manage to convince myself so. And others, too, are convicted. I want to see change take place... I want more sincerity in words spoken between friends.

Sometimes I am too guarded, I fail to realise the importance of what is left unsaid. And perhaps, left unsaid for too long, these precious words will never come, until it is too late.

Or worse, forgotten.

Unremembered - that you ever felt like that, that all you wanted was to tell him you are touched because of his concern, how pleased you are that he always looks out for you, that you remember the small sweet actions he does.

Sometime later, you will forget, and perhaps treat it as inconsequential - because things that are not remembered, that are not spoken and recorded, disappears into the sea of nothingness - washed away by a hundred other pressing thoughts that rush the mind and disrupts the senses.

Yet...sometimes, we just forget to say it. Or perhaps, we prefer silence.

rainy3 

rainy2 

rainy1 

Festival of Praise

Has to be my fave worship leader of all time... =)

The Essence of Falling in Love

To all those hopeless(or hopeful) romantics out there,

This post is for you. =)

For a really long time, I've never understood love. How a man loves a woman. How a woman loves a man. I've not really searched for it per se, usually it knocks on my door unexpectedly, born out of a sheer coincidence, or, as some would believe, affinity. Destiny. Your destiny to fall in love with this special someone who will become your lifetime partner.

After all, Love is a choice. You can choose to search for the right person to fulfil your desires, or, perhaps torn apart by some misendeavors previously, the heart can remain guarded - locked up for a long time, with iron-wrought bars that many fail to decipher. Hoping never to hurt or to be hurt again, you tread carefully through the waters ahead, finding the path that seems the easiest. Perhaps, you never really thought about being the someone special, or looking for someone to fall in love with. Perhaps, you try to convince yourself and everyone else that, you're still young...that, you haven't found the right one yet...that, you want to focus on other things at this season in time. You go around encouraging people in their matters of the heart, saying that God will fulfil your heart's desires; that love is just around the corner; commit everything in prayer - and all will be fine.

But sometimes, when you find yourself glancing at cute photos of couples; or wanting to watch that romance movie, you wistfully think for a moment, how nice it would be if I had someone with me. Someone who loves me. Then, as if brushing that thought away, and banishing it to the deepest recesses of your mind, you shake your head and walk on, as if pursued by reality, not imagination.

For you fear, that the next time will end in failure, yet again...'Too many times I've loved and lost', you say to yourself. Just recently, you opened your heart up to love again - but things did not work out, and although that was a meaningful journey, you fear that there cannot possibly be anyone out there who's just right for you. You analyse yourself- and start asking questions about yourself that cannot possibly be answered; or you start developing expectations so idealistic that no one alive can possibly hope to fulfil.

For once, ages ago, you found someone who you thought was the love of your life. In your youth, you pledged to remain faithful to each other, to marry each other when both graduated. You shared sweet moments together - took many photos together, long walks by the beach, a simple movie date and coffee after that. Everyone said you two were an ideal couple - and honestly, both of you believed that this love could last a lifetime.

But Time dealt its decree on this sweet relationship. One pursued after Life, success, and popularity. The other pursued after God. Conflicting passions and dissimilar goals in life led to constant bickering - both were miserable, more so because of the indiscretions they had shared. In reality, you knew this was not what you wanted. This was not your idea of a caring spouse. You tried, to remain committed, but your heart was already not with him. Even as he devoted himself to excelling in the world, you prayed for him. For his heart to change. There was still a glimpse of hope in the future for the both of you, you believed. Maybe after a 6 months period. Or a year - things would change. 'We still loved each other in so many ways', you thought.

And, just for a while, the prospect of things looked good. The indiscretions were dealt with and buried, he seemed commited to wanting you back and pursuing a healthy spiritual relationship. Inside, you were glad that he made a good choice. You had hope. But not long after, the strain began to show. He wavered between choosing life...and choosing love. For a long time he tried to be good. But he turned away, and chose the other.

Then, as you looked back, you thought that, it was too messy to start loving again. What's the point of it, as you believed that this type of love would not last. So, for years, you decided to immerse yourself in logic and rationality. To never look at guys again with passion. Treat them as friends, nothing else. To never fall in love. To always guard your heart. To focus on things that last.

And that worked for you. You achieved many things in life, without anyone's support. You believed in yourself. You excelled in school, in ministry, in many other things you applied yourself to. Sure, there were many other guys along the way. Nice ones. But you just weren't interested in starting a relationship. Perhaps you believed that it would be difficult to love someone else. Perhaps you didn't have a heart anymore. Without intention, you remained single for months which stretched into years; when before, you did not even go a couple of months before finding someone new. You matured, since those heady, fling-prone days. You never wanted to give your body without giving your mind, without knowing his heart. No longer would you be tempted to fail yourself in this aspect.

Now, something has changed, within. The assuredness of your gait becomes a trembly stumble as you realised that someone has touched your heart, touched your soul. And now, slightly wiser, instead of banishing these feelings, or changing your lifestyle so that you would not have to face him, you face it with the innocence and purity that is redeemed through God. You begin to warm to the possibility of...really...being...crazy about someone, small joys that set your heart fluttering - you remember little anecdotes he quipped while you were journeying together. Deep down you wonder whether what you are feeling is genuine, whether he cares for you too, not as a little sister, but as someone that can be there walking beside him in fulfilling his destinies. You wonder whether your pathways are a converged one, or might there be a time, soon, that these moments will cease to exist.

You feared that when you love him, you want to give your whole heart to him. And when you do that, you have nothing more to give.

But, you have already fallen in love... ...

To be continued, hopefully with a happy ending for myself. I've not sworn off guys, I would like to get married when I'm still young and have a happy family with a successful career, and a sweet, doting husband who spanks the kids and always tells me he loves me.

All of the above is true, to the best of my recollections. As a youth, I was impulsive, passionate, and idealistic. It's been said to me that I've mellowed down. I would like to think that I've kept a little bit of my naivete, some childlike innocence and a cheerful spirit. Certain things in life happen that no one has answers for, but we can be sure that ALL is safe in God's hands - and that we can trust in Him for a future. So whether you have lost a loved one, or are about to embark onto a relationship, remember to love, as He loved us. Agape...

Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence

16 chapters of Proverbs wor!

Was miffed by some joker in the morning, claiming he's from church and smsed me if he could 'make friends'... Slightly tired also due to the long weekend of meetings which probably explains my irritated mood. Searched through Proverbs today, was looking for the verse Pastor Dominic spoke about "hope deferred..." I ended up reading 16 chapters of Proverbs, I think I'll keep at it and probably finish reading it tomorrow. That's the good thing in higher education, the independence of conducting our own study sessions and playing your own music instead of listening to blah ones on the radio, ones which you probably can't change the channels unless you're boss. Many many (too many) proverbs spoke to me... I underlined some of them in pencil. Here, in NLT:

Above all, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do (4/23)

No real harm befalls the godly, but the wicked have their fill of trouble (12/21)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy. (13/12)

A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate. (15/17)

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. (16/9)

Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be happy. (16/20)

Shall try to remember all these. Many truths.

Believe...

Don't limit your possibilities to the visible.
Don't listen only to the audible.
Don't be controlled by the logical.
Believe that there is more to life than meets the eye!

-Max Lucado, Becoming a Person of Destiny, 1.5.

Waiting for an opportunity

Apart from thinking about things that are going to happen which hopefully will not, I've been busy learning html this week. For my cell's new website, been wanting to do this since last year but well, it's still not too late aye... Thankfully Giffy's been a great help too. I feel accomplished now, knowing how to add fancy photos, fonts, etc... the background's a nice chrome yellow. Meanwhile all through today I've been listening to this meaningful-sounding korean drama song by Boa. It's called 'Waiting'.

And, aptly this describes some days. Waiting to get home, waiting to meet someone, waiting for the bus... waiting!

Do I need to be more patient?

Shiner said, if you think it will happen, it will, so stop thinking about it...

In other words don't pre-empt stuff you don't want to see happening. Not convicted enough though, isn't that a form of escapism by refusing to think about things and then when it hits you right smack all over you can't think of what to do next.

Nothing(bad) is going to happen, he reassured me.

Aye nothing in the metaphysical sense of the meaning of the word. After, I just hope that I walk through with no hang ups. And also, not intentionally causing hurt to anyone.

And perhaps not being devastated at myself for the unacceptable things not done nor said, just lingering in the mind, waiting for an opportunity to present itself... ...
Things that can't be justified no matter which way you look at it.



If I love myself, do I have to let go of myself?

Maybe I don't love myself enough. After all, I'm still clinging on. Despite the hurt it takes to do that.

Hello, Goodbye, Goodnight.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."


-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.





Ndee sms-ed me today morning, saying that he's going to USA, MA, Cambridge to work. Leaving on the 29th July and back on 2007.

I always say that one by one, my friends leave(here). Perhaps it's true, that I speak into their lives. Maybe Singapore's a more cosmopolitan city than I've imagined. After all, I have always harbored thoughts of leaving, too. Always thought that I'm not going to be here 'for long'. It's hard to keep track of dear ones far away. Do you email them weekly? Or say 'hi wad r u doing nw' on msn?

Or choose not to, because it only prolongs the 'sweet sorrow', of having to say goodbye, then not actually 'letting go?' That I want to have a chance to still know what's going on in their lives and thus be a part of it, nevertheless?

Ganesh's leaving 7th July, first to Chennai and then to University of Delaware. May come back in 4 years' time, or get a green card and settle there.
Ches' sailing somewhere, back to Melaka in October earliest - which means I probably won't get to see him at all.
Markos' supposed to come back today, 3 months and then off to law school again, many years more.
Giffy's going 8th July, hopefully SAF. 2 years.

I guess if I had the chance I would tell them with all sincerity that they belong in my heart forever and are always deeply cherished and prayed for. Oh, but that would be so unlike me, So untrue of the frivolous me - who often forgets to appreciate people, nice guys that would carry my bag and listen to me till the wee hours, who would discuss ideas and thoughts with me and pray for me everyday... ... time passes. I forget. Do I not want to remember? No, I honestly do. But carrying overt sentimentalism around within me is not my style, these thoughts burden me.
Mr BestFriend's back on the 14th. Yay! Miss him in a way only best friends do. So much to tell, about the changes in my life. I've been aching to talk to him. I guess I think about him more than I pray, which shouldn't be the case. I hope he's happy there, and even happier to be back, in which case I'll be the happiest of all, to see him again, after all that has happened.

Sometimes it's the traumas of life that strengthens bonds within souls.

Sometimes, simple words spoken from distances breaks the barriers of silence.

Sometimes...parting is such sweet sorrow.

Someone who believes in me

When you have no light to guide you...
And no one to walk beside you...
I'll be there for you,

I will believe in you.

Sometimes, when there is a need to stop moving forward, at certain parts of life's journey; and just look behind, not beyond; for a nanosecond, Rachel remembers the storms weathered and the people who believed in her.

A small stirring in her heart ensues grateful thoughts and a warmth that fills up her soul as she makes a mental note to appreciate them, but knowing the frailties of life, these kindred souls often go their way, demanding not even a word of thanks.

After all, how can the impact of a changed life through someone's prayers be possibly expressed in a memo? How can mindsets broken and a spirit renewed be comprehended in an utterance of gratitude?

In Chapter 2 I begin to realise the impact of these lives on my life. I'm definitely very blessed, almost 'chosen' from the beginning as immediately when I joined, I was handpicked to potentially lead and serve Him. Why this occurs is more of a mystery to me than to anyone else, I know myself well and for years I battled my irksome nonconventional behavior, only to realise last year that it's an indispensable part of my character and in reality I'm a rare type. Hoho. The type who answers the questions and questions the answers.

And now it's my turn to be a channel of blessing to others, those who see no hope in themselves, those who cannot clique with anyone but me. I can think of two. Not that I have a magical ability to instantly connect with people (it can be trained though), I choose to believe that God placed me in their lives (and vice versa) for a special reason.

I see potential in everyone.

Some people clamour for the privilege of making a difference. I have been blessed by just having it, even though most of the time I feel constrained under it, and slightly stressed too. But I realise the significance of my paradigm, my positioning - being in this place gives me a huge chance to impact others and also learn much. It's as if God was dictating my steps!

I'm going to try to make a difference in someone else's world. To just believe in them, that they can reach their fullest potential. And then? I guess I'd have to wait and see.

It's an exciting journey ahead.

The ONE thing I ask

Finally, a campaign that makes sense.

It's promo video had been playing on my us-based free email host, and I thought it was another one of those dating/gaming/health ads, therefore I paid no heed to it. Only today - I turned on the sound, and was surprised to hear brad and co. promoting the ONE campaign to make poverty history: "we're not asking for your money, we're asking for your voice."

Basically it's a campaign to use 1% of the US budget to fund AIDS orphans, provide drinking water ...to build a better, safer world. 1% of the US budget is 25 billion. Which is really a huge sum of money! (www.one.org) I think this is the best campaign in the spate of recent campaign - events based on wearing wristbands to show one's cause.

Excellent.

________________________________________

Mr BestFriend's on a road trip somewhere, I should presume, along the west coast of US. Miss talking to him, one of the ways I can keep in touch with him is his photos - beautiful ones of the places he went to, captured in such artistic shots that they could be mistaken for that of a professionals'. Hope they're royalty-free 'cuz I took the liberty to use a few of his shots in my designs for work and church. His 'blurred image' would be on church-wide noticeboards later - going to paste them up, and there they'll stay for a month or so. I do hope he goes unrecognized though, would not want everyone to ask him peculiar stuff. Asked him to purchase some Victoria Secret's stuff for me - well I've never tried their stuff before so yes I guess I made the best of this opportunity. It's strange that I didn't feel embarassed or ... uncomfortable asking him; think our friendship is to that level of intimacy that overrides such feelings, that gives security in our communications and sense of self.

Can't wait for him to come back soon, although I'm sure, being as well-liked as he is, he won't have much time for me, being innundated with dates and appointments. And of course, he's still studying. It's so funny - reading a book on christian relationships - was discussing the book, one part that approves of 'marrying your best friend'. Well me and Sheepy disagreed on that. For me, I already have one best friend and I don't want my spouse to become another one. Also, I don't want to marry my this best friend... yuk yuk. Although he's intelligent, witty, handsome and holy, no! Definitely no-no. Hahaha. There's just this gross factor of falling in love with best friends, you know... to even imagine that it can happen (to me) is a crossing into a potentially dangerous territory of confusing emotions. Like and Love - platonic and non-p. The twain shall never meet, not at least for me. Well this book has sparked my interest in reading more into this genre - of which I've read painfully few. Never have been interested in books on this subject, previously... oh maybe I've always liked to rely on my experiences - of which combined, I could write a book also. Perhaps next step would be to read 'boundaries in dating'... I still have the notion that most relationship books are written based solely on the author's emotions and experiences - humpf- and all of them are male - why do women only/mostly write about prayer, or becoming a better, godlier woman... let's tell it like it is from a feminine point of view.


I'm sure me n Mr BestFriend will both make an effort to touch base more often now that he's going to come back. When one gets older, the lasting friendships become more important. Giffy will be gone too to serve the nation, hopefully the airforce, come next month. I've promised him a long awaited dinner treat when he gets over bmt. Has it been only two years that we've known each other? It seems so long - yet when I realise I haven't really seen him this year, I've almost forgot what he looks like, what it feels like to share chats... One by one, my friends leave for a short passage of time - I know that when they return, they will become stronger, and wiser for all the journeys they've acculumulated. So Ches, markos, etc...do come back soon for a visit, or perhaps I'll come and visit you when I've saved enough. There's an interesting British Airways ad along the mrt underpass that makes the passerby imagine they are walking thru a London subway - and advertises flights there at less than 1k. Quite appealing, I will consider...

The mind is strange. It changes quickly, yet remains constant. Trigger events of certain ideologies I hold close to, make me spill out memories of yesteryears. Perhaps, these issues still needs to be dealt with. Maybe, they are only harboring my thoughts for that millisecond of time - like a tinge of taste on the tongue... - then, no more.

First week of work - I'm tired, body is still not able to going to bed at 10, 11 pm and I toss around for ages. I'm a 3AM person. Tossing around makes my mind perturbed, the loss of sleep is the least of my concerns - being alone with nothing to do makes my thinking-mode go into overdrive and I'm overwhelmed with being conscious of my thoughts of what is happening now, what is yet to be, what may or mayn't be... plagued with the possibilities of my life, I start to discuss details of conversations and actions with close friends. Thankfully we delve into a larger perspective as we critique and comprehend human behavior with a genuine focus on concern.

So, another transition for me. Can I expect more interesting events soon? =) Stay tuned, Rachel, for the best is yet to be.

one percent - new USA campaign

Final changes to first publicity launch.

Now is the moment

"Every culture has its own unique set of temporal fingerprints. To know a people is to know the time values they live by."

-Jeremy Rifkin, Time Wars





Our most important and valuable asset: Time.

Will spend some time thinking about this during lunch. =)

Amended poster, for 1st publicity launch

Amended poster, for 2nd publicity launch

Truth or care?

We still want it all and we want it now, but, above all, we want it to mean something. - Textile View Issue 67

Getting used to school, being a lecturer and having to guide students who are not much older than me, some older aye... I do like this job, time in the classrooms really pass fast, and I can experience the thrill of having ultraly motivated students who listen to everything I say and do all their homework. It's wonderful.

Was browsing through this really expensive magazine - which is an essential for every fashion designer actually, a sort of trend forecasting book. As a student, I could only get hold of it during studio classes for like a minimum of 15 minutes. Now, I can carry it around. Hehe. I realised today that I'm really blessed to be in such a position of influence at such a young age. I still feel young, inadequate to carry out the job and its title. Part of me still wants to be a student - after all, most of the 'yoofs' my age are still studying, somewhere. But I do get immense satisfaction from inspiring the students in my class - perhaps I'm too intense too. Told Sheepy yesterday I'm going to be demanding-in-class, but lenient when marking. Planning syllabus is still alien to me, and I'm left to my own expertise. I can manage, for now.

So, the magazine had a really interesting and short article which set me thinking and I felt the subject matter was interesting - more of a sociology topic than any other. In large typeface :

"ETHICS...WHO CARES? The subject of ethics is massively open to personal interpretation and a hot and very current debate..."

Goes on to say "Truth or care?" Which is a pun on the popular slogan that I quite like. (Both the pun, and the slogan, I mean.) The article asked some insightful questions about 'yoof' culture and that they, are looking for a new sense of intergrity - being truthful to their own values and belief systems, whatever that might be.

Well, aren't we all like that, too.

They are also starting to question the ethics of the way they live their own lives. High time! Been wondering whether a person who is without God feels guilty when he - makes love, without the context of marriage...And then whether he should feel guilty now when he is saved. People are selfish, some are immature, some try their best to be perfect. Anyhow, all these nitty gritty stuff doesn't matter when put into the perspective of how big God is and how wide His grace. Maybe I'm the only one who wants to make a positive difference, or can see how it can be done. Through prayer, we seek His direction. Isn't that enough for those who don't want to make a mess out of their lives? Though I can't say for sure that I've 'been there, done that' - even though I look like I have, I do try to empathise.

And tell the truth.


Because I care. I care for those who hurt themselves, who hurt others because of their own ignorance. For those who choose to be apathetic - I don't bother. But for those who are seeking a purpose, and are sincere, I will care. And tell the truth.

...swing by to

...do you know them?

Letterhead design for the event

Where angels fear to tread

Back to ponderous inclinations of a rationalist.

Care does not constitute love, does it? For when it does, the next step would be to care, over all and above all, about the little things that matter about the individual one's concerns are about. Perhaps learning to care, is a lot like learning to love. For me, I am still taking baby steps. My concern extends to a host of people under and over my influence.

Yet to love, there can be a space for only one. To use the eyes of my heart to see with faith and belief that the path I tread on is possibly leading to a promise for the future, it is almost impossible to me, to believe. God has spoken where angels fear to tread. In dreams- I am unaccustomed to hear my Maker speak in such a manner. Yet while asking for a word, I am jolted by Him saying, 'My child, I have already spoken to you." Aye, twice. I forgot.

Then again I do not trust my dreams. Does it signify that I do not trust God, that He, above all, is able to give me the 'signs' that others in love wish for? The signals that something good will come? Yet I doubt, still. Speak again perhaps. And again. How many times? He is really patient.

'Care' is so mundane, so commonplace that it seems as though I fail to perceive the value of it. But caring, for someone is more than just a natural thing. It takes much effort to boldly pursue to continue on in caring for someone. Love, to me, is more volatile. Something passionate, a strong emotion that will sweep you up in a whirl, changing your world into a natural intensity, a vibrancy of hues that once was only a nuance of shallow feeling. Can there be a place between the two, a transitory point where I learn to care, and I only realise it when I find someone else caring too... stirring up some more unaccustomed awareness of a tinge of fretfulness, only relieved by knowing he does not bother about her care. This strange rivalry only throws me into more confusion as all along I've ever and always looked to him as a kin and no more.

Love. All along, I've experienced more than my fair share of it. I've crushed and crashed, liked and lusted, laughed and cried through the many relationships I've been through. Now I'm tired, I need - I want to settle down, fast. Find a person who cares, more than he loves.

Love. Sometimes loving is letting go. I know I care. But I know that someone else cares, too. And perhaps it is a longer, stronger and deeper care than mine. I'm able to step aside and see God's best happening for both. For me. I can never care as much, love as much... however much I try.

When I love someone, perhaps I fail to care for the person. Care for those around me that might care - and do a better job than me. So aye, I'm going to watch things happen and be a holy matchmaker for the one that has been caring for me. Already I cringe at the misapprehensions occuring because of my naivete, the way I play thoughtlessly, selfishly; the things I say in all innocence which unfortunately might cause further misunderstandings. No more, Rachel. I'm trying to be a better person, to be brave. Not to be a fool that rushes in where angels fear to tread.

Perching at the edge of His waterfall; and who murdered the suckerfish?

I guess the only way I can describe my feelings about my ministry now is to liken it to perching on the edge of a huge waterfall - I seem so small, looking down at the gushes. Yet I feel a mixture of elation, trepidation and wonder all at once. Slightly scared too, at the hugeness of it all. I wrote in my journal, that these miracles happening in my cell, in this districtm are just the beginning drops of an overflow that's going to sweep across the land, and perhaps even the whole East itself! Some cells never see harvest, or multiplication - mine saw the miracle of salvation barely a month before it started, and again,and now, 3 more salvations are being added to our family. Ganesh, who was outstationed in Washington for a month, came back to us today, and he was surprised at the new faces - said that 'Is this my cell?' =)

It's really an exciting time for all of us, I think I get the most kick out of it, as I have advance notice about the new ones coming, and the rest only know about them when they actually come for cell. I remain hopeful that once they come, they will stay. Afterall, most surprisingly, it has always been the case for this cell. No irregulars - and with God's grace, it will stay this way. 14 people in Sunnydale last night - it was great, Shirley was running out of chairs already... I think we have to sit on the floor soon... =) Definitely I am worried that I'll not be responsible, or say the wrong thing while leading Grow. But I guess focusing on God is better! Which makes so much sense to me, instead of focusing on our human inadequacies. I still want to ask God for more, more miracles, more people to nurture, I don't care if I'm spiritually overworked, or leading New Beginnings back-to-back... this work is so much more fulfilling than any other!

____________________

When I came back from Pattaya church camp, my house had a new inclusion of two aquariums - perhaps my father was lonely in the week, so bought himself some pets. My house has way too many inhabitants now! On the bottom one we just keep tiger barbs and prawns plus one suckerfish. The top one has 2 kissing fish, 12 disciples (bought 12 small fishies with red stripe), 2 colorful but dumb looking ones, one suckerfish, some small prawns, some kampung fish, some small swordfish swimming on top, and I bought 4 golden fish with long feelers to add to the pool. All went well until yesterday - we discovered the murder of the suckerfish.

The fish kept getting lesser and lesser - especially the 12 disciples - one was martyred the day after it came, so it became 11... the next day 9... we joked that peter, james and john were in the fishing boat... and today, 8. The main suspect were the small prawns on the bottom, but they were cleared of that after suckerfish died - too big to actually get stabbed by the prawns. Mum suspects the plant - some seaweed that Dad scooped from the reservoir - the plant grew some fungus looking spots and Mum said it smells... perhaps, the suckerfish sucked the poison from the plants. The two colorful but dumb looking ones also passed away last night, they didn't look eaten though, perhaps they were suicidal and one was actually stuck to the pump. The strangest thing is that, while we are awake - which is really long, until 3 am, the aquarium was observed, and no deaths occurred.

Meanwhile my cat and hamsters are doing well.

=)

A sweet prayer buddy for a new season

I will remember the words of my friends, and the concern that punctuates the silences between them.

In this new season of my life, I long for people with whom I can feel comfortable with, who accept my idiosyncracies, and love me enough to tell me the mistakes I'm making, which road to move forward on...those who will walk alongside me in this journey of destiny, also finding and reaching their own.

For the longest time Sheepy has been ever patient and kind to me, perhaps I overlooked these character traits as unimportant. Sometimes I fail to realise the door that was open, and walk past it, only to find that I've missed it... but I won't go back 'cuz I'm looking for a window.

I love conversations with wise people, it gives me comfort and I feel strengthened to face my fears. To touch God's fingertips is all I long for. I always thank God for Sheepy, that He has provided a person to hear me. A cheerleader in a sense. Someone who has gone this way, not too long before...and is willing to lend a hand, a shoulder, a ear...maybe I even need feet 'cuz I get tired easily... After all, I do need it. Always do. And He has always provided listeners of the Sheepy-sort, throughout the seasons. This season it's Sheepy, of course. =) Aye! It's still a little bit strange to be like this, maybe as I get older I have more reservations, or more realisations. Now I know why people look at other people differently when they realise some things. But for me, nothing changes - only a mere wisp of tension in my body perhaps. We talked for more than 2 hours prior to this. He allayed my anxieties about leading cell with 6 newcomers. My own apprehensions too, took a backseat as I focused on God, which should always be the focal point. We sweetly agreed to be prayer buddies. The need was there, as well as the motivation. I hope I can pray, everyday...I used to be able to pray for Giffy, Shann... etc my members, everyday. Somewhere along the line the intensity was gone, I became tired, dispirited, dispassionate. But the anointing, and the motivation is back for I realise the truth behind my identity. And that will be the agenda, to let the new believers and members know about God's purpose for their lives. Their identity. Their destiny. May the Holy Spirit's presence fall so strongly in Sunnydale tomorrow.

Once again, I'm glad to be God's little helper.

Chapter 2: A crossover

"Destiny is not a destination... Destiny is a journey." - Pastor Bruce Hill

I've been at the crossroads of my life for quite some time now, close to a year and I haven't felt settled, felt myself for a really long time. I'm thankful that through this trying period, I've been given an abundance of trust and being enabled to still continue leading a cell - my dear Sunnydale cell. But deep down I still long for the intimacy of engaging with God via prayer and word, something which I haven't experienced in too long a time. I've made some not-so-good decisions along the way, and God dealt with my thoughts during the camp. I have much to learn in the area of total obedience.

The day that P Bruce spoke about being a cross-over person, I was overwhelmed by my convictions that I became subdued - I think for two days actually, being reflective and perhaps sometimes, too critical of myself. I realised that for some time now I've been leading out of my own self-will and intellect. I'm so saddened by this, it was not my intention to do so, but just that when some things obstruct my hearing from God I just lack the courage to seek Him and confess my sins, but try to do them in a moralistic way which is not lacking in righteousness, but not really following His purposes either. My life, too, is wandering for some time now, and as I reflect on this I just wanted to withdraw from everyone and talk to God, and cry... ... Only God knows how lonely spiritually I was in the last months, despite constant attention from the rest, there is a gap that can only be filled by the supernatural. I do regret some of the things I've done, some of the steps I've taken; even though my life's ideal is to never regret, never live a life of regret. Yet some things once done or said, cannot be taken back and only time can heal, the selfish actions, the insincere words.

I've learned so much. Shared with Shiner and Debster earlier how my cell grew like 'people drop from the sky', and it never fails to amaze me, how I am so unspiritual yet God has blessed me with the numbers. I marvel at the blessings of God, how being a cell leader, I do not have to worry about finding a job, but it just comes, or worry about my family, health, bills... And everything runs smoothly so that I can just take care of the members. I'm glad for that, I recognize the blessing. And for how Sheepy always watches out for me, God has really placed him in my life to support me from a distance. I've learnt from Sheepy how to care for others that are not under my covering, those I'm not supposed to care about. I'd definitely reciprocate these kind actions that has really touched me when I felt alone.

I'm going to embark into another season of my life, a better one, one filled with promises, hope for a better future. New job, new anointing, the phase of life where I find time to spend doing something meaningful for the one I serve. I'm excited to look forward to the challenges ahead, yet I'm uncertain if I am responsible enough, godly enough, wise enough to make the right decisions. I think that I need people, a strong group of people around me who care enough to pray, and who dare to pray knowing that they are sowing seeds into my life, and by that, into my members' lives as well. It's time to start the prayer thingy again! I've asked for Shiner and Debster to cover me in intercession for at least these 6 months, would ask Sheepy and Mw too. I'm happy! Anticipating exciting things to come, the joy of salvation, nurturing people to rise up as leaders... Growing the cell into a district. God, you said, ask and You will give me the nations as my inheritance, the ends of the earth as my possession. I'm so amazed at your grace, that you have given me so many to take care of. Now I only ask, for strength, and wisdom, from above.

In Bangkok hotel, mirror photo

View of Bangkok city from Yong Heng's airplane window

On the street in Chinatown, Bangkok

Table photo at last meal...

My last meal in JomTien Palm beach

In the Adidas store fitting room - they bought 5 jerseys in total!

Same same songthraew

In the songthraew(van-taxi), Pattaya

In Thailand...

Gonna write really long, miss writing while I was away and there are so many experiences I couldn't even express in words alone...


Happy that I'm back - it seems like I've been away for so long although it's only been a week or so! The last day in Bangkok, bought so many things, mostly for my family, clothes and other stuff they wanted. It was a really nice time experiencing the city with the guys - jojo, frankie and matt. And later febs joined us - she's one of the girls with the shopping style similar to mine - see, like, buy and go. The guys too, it was so funny to see Matt's face light up when we mentioned shopping! Went to the stationery wholesale mart and the Suan Lum night market - one day there isn't enough to see and do all the stuff... no tidbit shopping, no massage. But we did a lot of other things, went to eat Tom Yum and after that sharks'fin soup and bird's nest... It's a wonder we didn't bomb after that. And Frankie discovered his thai 'roots', everyone there spoke thai to him... he should have faked it to get us discounts! Hehe. All in all it was slightly exhausting... one day rushing about the place...I'm really glad everything worked out fine and we got to extend our trip there! Been quietly observing my friends too, realised they have a lot of good points, and after these days of being so close, I'm really going to miss them badly!

On the night we went to HardRock Cafe, I was very introspective 'cuz God really really spoke to me on that night's message earlier... and I just wanted some time to myself so I became quite subdued and serious. Remembered I sat on these 'rocks' outside HardRock, away from the cluster of the people, looking sadly into the distance...then Matt just came and sat beside me, not saying anything for a while. Later on, I shared. (Yes, those girls noticed that too.) Since the beginnning of my cell-planting when there was only me and Frankie, I was so grateful for Matt looking out for me and inviting him to supp with him, always. It's kinda funny in the camp, 'cuz in the first few days he always forgot to ask us along, then had to quickly come and find me and tell me, then I tell Frankie... Later on the girls started to ask me along too, so it was okay.

Tried the foot reflexology in the Pattaya hotel, it was 300 baht for about an hour, quite a steal compared to Sg's, and the style was different - chinese master style was to squeeze the muscles around the acupuncture points but the thai style was just to gently press in the centre of the point. Certain points she pressed, I could really feel it shooting to my bladder, or my neck... or other parts...which really corresponded to the foot-chart. So it was good! I realised that Frankie and Matt are a lethal combination - put them together and it becomes a laugh-a-minute session with both poking fun at each other... me and June couldn't relax properly, we were laughing so hard! They were so scared at first - all the guys, especially Matt who seemed so reluctant to join us, but after much persuasion from Frankie came and sat down gingerly with a sceptical expression. They looked so fearful! It was so funny. The other guys were so so scared too... it was their first time. Hahaha...

There were bedbugs in Frankie's bed in Bangkok... But thankfully we discovered it as we were chatting in the night together... then they changed room. My room was slightly freaky and definitely occupied by... something else... When we reached, Matt was timed to reach an hour late - as his coach timing was later, so I took a bath while the guys were in the other room. The bathroom was so eerie, I bathed tensely and the hairs on my back were standing for no reason. Halfway though the shower suddenly stopped! Jojo said perhaps there was something wrong with the valve, and he had a problem in the shower as well. My second bath was bad too, the water kept getting hotter and hotter... the feeling in my room was just not good and it was a vey oppressing feeling that lay in the room, especially in the bathroom. Told them about it and the dear SL suggested we should pray for both our rooms. We started with theirs and then went to mine - while we were praying in the bathroom the sense of heaviness was so strong, it was so scary but thankfully the dear SL initiated the prayer and started declaring bible verses loudly in the place. Whew.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Some sweet words and little notes

Had rather nice days going out with people - met PCL yesterday, she's 8 and a half month preggers... quite big for her small frame... she seems glowing and in the pink of health. I wonder what it's like to be preggers, or even married. A part of me can't settle down, perhaps I've not found my peace yet. Then again, I think I'd secretly love to be pregnant... can bully my husband.. make him drive me around, can pig out all I want. Heh. Well that would be years down the road. My classmate's planning to get married in 2 years' time and we talked about finances, buying a flat, etc. It seems like we have suddenly grown up too fast - in school, and now to the working life, and starting a family - it's all awfully fast! I guess I fear growing old... not the looks part, but I cherish my naivete and old things that disappear all too soon. Perhaps I fear not having enough for the things I cherish - I cannot envision that once I'm married my husband would be pleased that I constantly hang with Giffy, Shiner, etc. Well it's still not yet time for me, whew...

Been thinking a lot as I always do, it's hard to keep a perspective in check when I'm still rather down and trying to recover from the horrid experiences lately.

Also, I'm counting down to the end of June...

I just need someone to be there for me, spend a little bit of time together with me, doing simple things - maybe a meal nearby, just some sweet words and little notes to show he cares for me, and some prayers would be nice as well. Is that too difficult?

Well, I'm not really really perturbed by anything as I know these feelings will pass and it will actually last for only a short short while and then a new season will beckon. My main aim in life is to be happy. Not at others' expense, of course...although it doesn't hurt to be courted by someone who's really interested in keeping you.

Relieved!

Dad and Mum asked me how I was feeling after I quit and I could only say that I felt relieved. I'm glad that I Its strange that they seem more concerned about me now, about my work, than previously about my studies. Perhaps they are more experienced in this area. I'm really looking forward to the new job and I just hope that everything turns out well. I have some plans as to what to do, being relatively free now! In fact the next few days are chock-ful with appointments I previously did not have time for.

I still need some time to myself, and to rest well.... to seek God. My body needs to regain its optimum health which has not been maintained since the dengue illness. Hair loss is minimal now, almost unnoticeable. Prepping myself up for the camp, going for a 1 meal fast for 3 days starting yesterday... it was good to take some time off to pray yesterday, although I do drift...

I feel that me and Hedge are drifting apart. Perhaps it's natural. All along, I've never really been reassured that it's going to work out, that both will be happy. He's always busy. Maybe I can't accept that or I'm afraid that I will be closer to other people and develop feelings for them because of that. I'm afraid to look deep into my heart and disturb the things that have been lying at the bottom of the surface. Cuz when I do that, I'll be indecisive, and then withdraw from the people I love. Sometimes all I need is time and a listening ear, but the people who provide it, unfortunately, are the ones I have no likings for. It's 3 more short weeks to the end of June. In the meantime, I must get things settled!