CNY

Funny how in Singapore we tend to abbrv. everything, even our New Year. Dad was remarking on the strangeness of us calling it "Chinese New Year", when we are Chinese, anyway. and nowadays we just call it CNY.

Well it was rather fun jostling with the crowds - fun for a while, after the heat seeps in, you just want to run back to the air conditioned comfort of your vehicle. We jostled with bored Chinese Singaporeans and many American tourists at Chinatown yesterday, and jostled with many Banglas and Indians at Mustafa today. (Note: It is non-degratory to call them 'Banglas', we saw a Bangla Supermart... so that's what the store signboard says anyways. Check it out.) I ate 15 sotong balls on reunion dinner day (that's CNY eve) plus spent today playing card games wit my equally bored cousins. We played the all popular 'dai dee', fast-paced 'snap', and the elitist 'bridge'. Even tried Indian poker, but I forgot the rules.

And there's just so many things to do in the long holiday. Catch up on my reading - bought tons of books plus the ones still unread, watch all the pirated dvds I get my hands on, suntan, avoid the crowds... I appreciate this holiday even as the traditions here are fast dying off on the hands of a younger generation who listens, but do not want to hear. Unshockingly I cannot dechiper more than 50% of the CNY-sms greetings that are sent to me, neither can my siblings, all English-speaking slanging disinterested in Chinese people. I do appreciate the well-wishes greatly, though.

And even if we can read them, we barely grasp the meaning of the poetic four-worded phrases with skilled combinations of sound and meaning rolled into a worthy phrase. I thought that I would like to learn Hainanese, to speak with my father's relatives, nice people we haven't seen in ages because we are on the other side of the Causeway. One of my father's brother, 4th Uncle, who is a SBStransit bus driver (or, they call it bus captains now) gave us $50 each, which I imagine is not a paltry sum for him. He is going to retire next year, having already a sizeable house in Msia like one of our bungalows here, and his children are grown, independent.

I'm glad for my family this year, even though it seems that I am distant, and even seem uncomfortable with all the closeness, all the seemingly superficial talk about how nice so-and-so's new shoes/shirt/watch is, photos of so-and-so's lover, askings about who's studying in which school now or working where... Despite the language barrier, and the scheming ways some nosy aunties try to question about other's successes, what makes a Chinese family really special is the way we gather, year after year, on this special festival.

Free

::poem, copyright mine.::


Like the fallen leaves
Dancing a secret dance together with the breeze
I am caught in the whirlwind
Sinking in the silver sands
Holding on to tiny fragile cords
I am lost in your world.
In a place where once all was white
Where all was known and trusted
Now seems fatigued with the twists and turns
It mirrors a maze the way known but forgotten.
In summer seasons the leaves grow green
In winter my heart withered
To lose again, the dreadful ice creeps up on one, unexpected.
Teach me, once more, till I am wise
And no longer wanting the taste of wine
On lips unadulterated
They cause banshees to wail the song
Of love, long lost, unrequited.
For happy is the man or woman
Who has found the love they hope
But sadder still is the one who has given,
Empty branches fade out the distance
And only a faded leaf remains
To tell the story of its existence.

Too broken

"Unbrokenness affects not only themselves, but the people around them" - Kie.


My heart has been broken so many times by people that I know how it feels like to have no more love left for anyone.

I cannot remember the number of people I've kissed nor the things I've done that would cause many a good Christian leader to blush. I always imagine that if I ever find a good leader guy to marry, and if he ever asks me about my past endeavors, I would thus proceed to tell him frankly every detail, causing him to run away and never hear from him, again.

Nobody wants to be left on the shelf, or even be alone, but for me, at this point of time that is something that I can envision. If marriage is purely for procreation, then, I can as well adopt nice orphaned kids who need love more than the spoiled brats, found in one out of ten school-going kids. If marriage is to converge two people's destinies into one, then, what is the point of having one of your own? I am more than content to play a supportive role, praying and helping my spouse if he chooses to plant a cell or do tentmaking work. If there is no love after two years or so of marriage, then what are the options? Few. And how would we be satisfied, the year after, and the year after, and until forever?

"You love her very much. I can tell."
I once said that to a new friend. Not knowing anything about 'her', or 'him', just sensing, just wondering about what happened between them. I was right. Some things don't have to be said, just needs to be felt.

Grass still calls me. "I just came back today! Let's meet up soon." He respects me when I tell him that my week is fully booked, even though I am lying to him for the sake of not getting myself entangled into an emotional commitment I cannot extricate myself of. I realise that he needs affirmation from me, perhaps in this busy world of ours, only I have the time of the day to listen to his dreams.

So he shares, about what he plans to do with his time, his desires, to make movies about people in his life, his biz, how he hopes to achieve his dreams. I listen, and I realise why, despite all the misgivings others have, I need his company as well. He has the ability to inspire confidence in me. It is because of his belief in my abilities - and also by showing me how, I am able to talk to anyone, in the street. I am able to ask for namecards from strangers and strike up a conversation with them. I am inspired. Motivated. Any girl would be touched by such a person who would be willing to spend time with you despite everything.

At the beginning, he was not likeable at all, always wanting me to follow him around, not really caring about how I was going to get back and whether I've eaten, basically just not caring about other people's time or effort. It's changing though. I scolded him for not valuing my time the other day. I was sickly and tired. Surprisingly, he apologized. Now, instead of meeting up at his convienience, he wants to see me at my discretion. I'm glad for the change. That he has changed, for me!

I started out writing intially about a broken heart.

Kie in cell, took out a heart-shaped cutout of bubble wrap. Felt that it was a meaningful analogy of mine. The 'bubbles' popping one by one.

I'm learning to love again. Was reminded that a friend of mine asked me to pray to God to soften my heart towards one of the two guys in my posse. Up till now I simply cannot remember if I did.

MrBestfriend proclaims that if God tells you that is the best one, he is the best one. No need to worry.

I'm worried that I'm not the best one, not he.

Hebrews 4:7 "Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts."

It's been said that we should be the best, before looking for the best. Me? I'm just a tiny broken jar of clay. Waiting on His promises. Believing in them, for once.

The Fulfilment

What's the opposite term of writer's block?

I am on a writing roll now, churning out words and words of wispy sentences that churn into stories, of touching moments suddenly remembered, of incidences, as I type, materialise into snapshots of scenes running through my head, widescreen style.

The stories I've written are all about my life, revolving around the people I know. Not very extraordinary people who have done record-breaking feats. They are just people who I love. Even if my stories are never going to be published, at least I have a memoir of them.

Also writing about them brings out times where I hope not to forget.

Much like the promises of God. I hope that I do not forget what He has said to me. I am still struggling to live in the no-man's land between the promise and the fufilment of them. I am wondering why certain things take so long, whereas others can be answered in a matter of days. I question my sincerity in prayer, whether I am utilizing prayer as a tool to 'twist God's arm' or really fervently wanting and desiring it to see it come to pass.

And most of all, I am wondering if my actions lead me further and further away from the Destiny that has been planned out for me.

This year seems like a year of hope, of empowerment for me, and I am glad to see many close ones birthing new plans and taking new steps of faith forward this year. I am excited to see that worldwide, many revival moments are taking place exactly the way that it has been prophesized. Mr BestFriend has birthed a prayer movement in his Hall, as was prompted in the spirit to - Just to birth it, in faith. This has started and I believe their prayers makes a difference in the lives of their hall mates. For me too I hope to do something that will inspire many - although I am influential to those in cell and my sphere, I am inwardly dissatisfied. I want to do more, impact more people which I believe that I am capable of. Trusting in God to lead the way, to show me which groups of people I can effectively speak to.

I remember the times when I am used by a mouthpiece - when I speak about God to people, they would just start crying. When I pray, it would be full of the Spirit, piercing hearts and changing lives. It's time to make a difference again. Not out to change the world, just to change their lives.

In the fulfilment of my own promises, I am taking baby steps of faith. Slowly accepting things, although I doubt that one day I'd be fully committed to His plans. Because of my consecration I do flow more in the Spirit these days. Out of nowhere, anyplace, God suddenly speaks to me and instead of ignoring it as I had previously done - I take action to write it down, sms it, etc. And I have received affirmation from people who also have heard, the same way.

I hope, that I do not lose faith in the days to come. Persistency pays off for those who have won gold medals in their field.

Persistency pays off for those who want to fulfil their Destiny.

Notes from a Cell Leader, Part 1

Reading "Cashflow Quadrant" and once again realise I'm in a terrfic job because almost everything that I do can be applied to life. And I know that even though I'm just beginning to forge out new paths on my own, the insights that I gain will help me to be successful one day.

And also almost every business book can be applied to life, and ministry - And vice versa. I hope to be published, this year. Writing a book, the words seem to flow seamlessly even though I'm terribly lost in finding a topic for it. Just going to spend at least an hour daily, writing.

_______________________________________

Big Boss used to say to us, always ask those people who are successful why they are successful.
If they say "I don't know", it means they are not successful yet. For every truly successful people knows why they are successful.

Franchises and carecells. What do they have in common? I find that the concept of a franchise (actually even network marketing) flows with the idea of carecells. Perhaps this idea is stolen since Biblical times. All carecells have to have a certain number of people to function well, about 5- 10 at most, similar to franchises. When franchises get too big or generate enough profit, they expand into another one in another vicinity. Like the way carecells multiply. Also similar to network marketing, the purpose of carecells is to nurture newbies into committed members and spiritual parents and even groom a few to be potential leaders that one day, start their own 'downlines' - grooming even more leaders in what they have learnt. They have to be purposeful though, if not, 80% of newbies drop out within a year or two. That is the going rate for network marketing, I hope it isn't the rate for my cell! I don't know yet. It's been a year, and so far the rate has been good.

And how to lead a successful cell? Well, like franchisees, we have to follow the cell-plan-pattern that has been mapped out for us. In order to succeed we have advantageous tools and opportunities to nurture our people. In fact, almost everything is provided for us from step one to even a special course on how to branch out on our own with virtually no one else. Prayer helps here, plus the special course. In our church, it's called Alpha Track and worth every bit of the $300 you pay. For three months, attendants are grilled with theory and practical on how to start one of your own. Few do, after the course - there is a lack of opportunity. But for those who do, few fail. But first, you have to get a license to startup on your own. This is called CCLT. Only costs $10 and the licensing rules used to be more stringent, but now there is an open concept that I believe, is worthwhile to be adopted. My advice to those who want to start their own - that it is possible.

Apart from being prayerful and available, faithful, etc when starting your own carecell.franchise, you have to follow the footsteps of your franchisor. That is in the copyright agreement. The logo has to be the same, the style and methods of 'cooking' or making the business product, same. It is possible for almost anyone to succeed in this venture, apart from small variables coming from outside factors. The economy here is a factor too, but it works both ways. See, when the economy does well, people have more spare time to invest in your carecell and basically bringing people to bridging events, etc. So more people gets saved, adding to your numbers. Profitable for you. When there is a downturn in the economy, it is even better. People losing jobs, getting worried, searching for something more meaningful - they will turn to God and start renewing their faith again. So it is benefitting in both ways.

Then, you might ask, how is it that some cells do not grow? When you know that the leaders are following every rule of the book and every copyright agreement. But the franchise does not seem to work?

For me, my investment in the cell is TIME. My most important(and only!) asset because I have plenty of it. I believe that without an initial investment of time, in prayer - hours and hours of seeking God, time invested in people - knowing your 'target market', knowing the right things to say to motivate them; all these are essential ingredients to make it work. It is true that I see potential in everyone, in every situation I try to make the best use of the opportunity to create platforms for lives to be changed.

Also, the reason why some people do not succeed is because they are not successful in recognising leaders. They themselves are people who are in the "Employed and Self Employed Sector." There is nothing wrong to be in this sector, in fact 90% of the people in Singapore, including myself, belong to this world. But but but. The people they choose to be potential leaders are based on factors like - how long they have been in this church; whether they attend services weekly, tithe montly, come early, etc. This is nothing wrong in itself either. But for the cell to grow, they have to identify people who are in the "B" and "I" mentality of doing things. These people have a hunger and drive to succeed. People with initiative, with influence, who are not afraid of people telling them "It's impossible", who want to impact others so much. It's true that you know you are a leader when you see whether there are people following you. I cannot explain the importance of influence enough, it's something that is developed over time. When people know that you are willing to love them and help them along, and when they see your lifestyle, they want to follow you. People know when you are influential, and some leaders are even fearful that I have a greater influence over their members in the choices they presume these members should listen to them because of the appointed authority. But they do not realise who are the real leaders, those who choose to show the way, to walk the talk. Some delinquents I have handled before only listen to me and choose to share only to me. Why? It is because they are labelled delinquents by everyone else, including their leaders. But because I do not label them internally, they are okay with me, and I have never had any problems with them on authority issues.

The people who knows how to develop these qualities are the ones that leaders should choose to manage the cell. Because these are the ones who will know how to effectively multiply. Sometimes, you cannot really choose the people you want! But you can help them to change, if they are teachable enough. Kie was really "E" when I met him. Now he is thinking bigger. He himself, is dissatisfied with being an "E", which is my sentiment as well. Time to groom more "E"s to change their mindsets!

Location is inevitable as a huge factor in opening a franchise. To prevent market saturation, clever business people with similar products open retail outlets in different shopping centres. In food centres however, we see that stalls with similar products open next to each other. Laksa (curry noodles) stalls, four in a row. Fruit juice stalls next to fruit juice stalls. Is it their aim to confuse people or to provide a range of selection, I really do not know. But for my cell, I think that one of the reasons why we multiply so fast is because of location. Being in this Serangoon/Hougang area is good for our 'business' because there is just no cell here.

In fact, that is the reason why we 'opened' our cell in the first place. Because me and Kie had no other place to go to, and the nearest one was quite a distance away. Also, because I was quite well-known in my circles in church (due to my previous leadership roles in the campus and worship ministry), many people knew that there is a new cell planted in Serangoon/Hougang that was open for young adults. In fact, it was purely by word-of-mouth that some people came to be with us. Being small, we were initially vigilant in helping every soul that came into our hands. (Now it is getting difficult as there are too many to handle: less time spent with them = less influence) And when one came in October, we managed to finish the first core material in a month and got him to attend the first class in December, all in the span of 3 months. He was not pressurised to grow then, because it was not the length of time spent, rather, it was the quantity, and purpose in handling the time. Having a successful cell is not based on how many people who come in the first place, rather, it's how many who stay, week after week.

We do not have many new ones, but most of the new ones who come, stay. Like loyal network marketing customers who buy the product, year after year, because they fell in love with it.

Practically, most people would not choose to go to a stall far away every week, even if they are in love with the food there. More often, they would go to the nearest coffee shop even if the food there is bad. (The food at my coffee shop is really bad. But it has not closed down nor changed hands!) For network marketing companies, they know how to move from country to country, after the 'bubble has burst' in that area. In this concern, I believe that though the location is 'not so good', ie in far flung areas, the cell still can grow. Because in tiny Singapore, there are people everywhere. Just bringing people who live in the same block is enough! The bubble has not burst for evangelism.

So that's just my two cents' worth on applying business models to cell and ministry. I have said before that I run my cell like a small-medium enterprise because I believe in being purposeful to involve everyone, but that's another story for another day.

X in the City

After a refreshing break in December, it's back to work in the city.

I love the city - I love working here - in The Office, with the best view in town. Gives me a sense of serenity in a hectic day when I gaze to my left and see the small tugboats lolling along with the waves. The Pier has nice prata. Crispy. I love just walking along Cavenagh Bridge and going to pluck apples for tea, when I need a bite.

I like to sit quietly at my favorite spot, near the muscular pigeon, with a book in my hand, and choice jazz music as my selection. I smiled at a weary runner I've never seen before, yesterday, when I was there. I wondered if he was training for the biathlon next month. All the nooks and little shops in The Alley to explore, all the people at The House, and eateries still not yet explored. Familiar sights that make up part of the city. Never thought I'd love the busyness of this place, the ways of the financial markets, the city lets me meet so many people I never thought I would like.

Met Grasshopper just outside The House's big TV. Was instantly drawn to him, much helped by his neatly pressed sky blue shirt. And his warm smile. Grass still calls almost everyday; tells me mundane everyday things about his life that perhaps he wants me to play a part in.

Met Emory at the posh florist. I was buying blue roses for birthdays. He was buying warm orange and yellow gerberas for a hospital visit. He said that he would give me a black rose someday. Everytime I walk past the posh florist, I would look for black ones.

Met Uncle Jammy downstairs. I always buy M&Ms from him. Surprised to know that he owns huge lands in India, and a hotel too. The simplest of people can be the richest. Always friendly, always remembers my name. I am touched.

Met Cutebert and Chopstick in The Office. Bert offered me words of encouragement and his phone to use when I was devastated at Big Boss' departure. And he offered to share his small, small umbrella with me, across the Esplanade bridge one rainy evening. Was happy for him when he got promoted. Chopstick's youthful looks belies his ability, for he is one of the stars in The Office. Chopstick smiles and says hi to me, all the time. He is too shy to say anything else. I smile back and think the world of him.

Tomorrow, next week, next month, who knows what the city has to offer, which interesting people I'd meet and the places I'd discover? The city holds a lot of promise for me. I love the city.

Opening the waters: God and me in the marketplace

Signs that a marketplace anointing is going to break forth is evident when in the span of one short week, I get the opportunity to talk to 2 people about God. And the week's not even over yet.

I did not intend to speak purposefully, but I'm glad God used me. During coffee break, had a chance to chat with my manager's manager's manager (okay he is quite high up there). Always wanted to talk to him because he had such kindly eyes and I believe, a gentle spirit. Knew he was a christian but didn't know he used to be a deacon. He has a call. Till now (Late 30s, I presume) not sure what is the direction God intends for him to take. He shared that he left his church, went to another, but now God brought him back. I sensed his spirit was down - disheartened perhaps. So I spoke, even though I was shaky. I told him about breakthroughs, what God has been saying to me, about the river flowing in the marketplace, that this year is going to be different, for him, for me, for a good number of people who choose to believe. He just sat there and listened quietly, with such a teachable spirit. Max Lucado says, show (Christ's)love in action by doing something unexpected for someone who has a need. I will write him a pass-it-on card.

Met Super2 on the street who became a friend and an interested client-to-be. He commented on my signature on emails which states, "Prayer changes things". He said, I do hope that prayer changes things. Wow. This guy, he is searching for something. Talked about an hour in the morning, shared about our lives. He has been to Trinity before, he has asked God to reveal Himself to him before. But he says, no response. So how? Honestly, I do truly believe that God will reveal when you ask, as many of my friends have had this personal encounter. Many have sowed in his life - was inspired to hear that a Trinity cell leader have been calling him for one and a half years now, since the first time he came during a play. Persistence and Faith. I want to do that, too. If I can call my clients-to-be everyday, (there is one I call everyday at least), why not someone who needs a spritual investment? Isn't that more important than anything else in the world?

Have set a kopi chat meeting with Super2. Told him, I will talk to him about God. He was intrigued and obliged.

Why people succeed

The company really provides good training. Really good. I always apply what I've learned in other areas of life, too...

Yesterday found out 5 reasons why people succeed. (In the company.)
1. Hunger/Drive
2. Entreupreneurial spirit
3. Master of Destiny
4. Product and Business Model knowledge
5. Personality

Was asked, What do I want (badly) in life? Knowing the answer to this question is critical for our success. Previously, I would have answered that all I want, was to be happy. That would be my answer. But now, after also asking many people this question, I've realised that on top of being happy, I would also want to discover my purpose and fulfil my Destiny.

Putting it into action - it's quite easy for me really. The harder part is the daily motivation, choosing what I want to do with the resources I have to generate something beneficial. I definitely need to put more time into the things I really want for my life. I believe it will pay off!

Started writing yesterday. Had an idea for a longish short story based on my friends' and my own real-life experiences. I wrote for an hour, was quite satisfied with the outcome even though it was just a draft and I have no idea how what I wrote would fit in the entire storyline. I want to inspire people to be better, to tap onto their unlimited potential through my writings. Thought of printing the story out for a few of my close friends to read. Not sure if I can take the criticism though and shut down the writing factory!

Like never before

A person I can fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. Meeting him at the intersections.

Like never before, I have heard so much from God in the past week. Met up with pastors, read books, sermons, through other believers. God is reminding me to take what He said seriously. I'm someone who often hears from God - I seldom ask why is God silent. Because He does speak to me in a host of different ways. But sadly, after I have heard, I forget. This year, I am reminded of the past affirmations. It's like the switching on of a light switch, *ting!* And suddenly but oh-so-clearly I am reminded of what He has promised, what He has revealed to me when I asked in simple faith.

It has taken half a year for me to get ready - and even now, I'm not so sure that I'm ready, or that I really want it. The selfish part of me still wants to 'reserve' the freedom of choice for me. I've never shared what God has impressed on me before, to anyone. As I prayed for breakthrough in this area, I am reminded of what God has shown me (when I asked) in the past. But, I'm like "noooooo. nooooo." I don't want!

During our usual latenight conversation in the car, me and Kie were talking about the person - the best one God has intended for us. Like me, Kie intends to start dating purposefully this year. We agreed that it would be really weird if we started of as really good friends and then progressed from there - we felt that it was quite gross to think of our friends of the opposite gender in such a way. (Imagine holding hands with one of your friends - eww!) Then again, I know of a guy who prays about every woman friend that comes into his life, asking God if she is the one.

I told Kie that I wanted, to really fall in love. Fall. In. Love. I need to be attracted to the person God has intended to me. Emotional support is very important, so is the ability to stimulate me intellectually. Of course, I have very strongly defined physical needs also. But if 'the best one' is Mr X which I have no strong attraction to (as compared with others previously) - then maybe I don't want? We are all so superficial. Not in terms of looks, but ... I guess I don't trust God in this area, I still want to reserve the freedom of choice, my choice.

We pondered over more serious issues and Kie actually ministered to me by sharing about one of our close friends who is getting married this season. To a disabled person. The severity, I do not know. But being termed 'handicapped' is enough to turn many people off. Including myself, I admit.We are all so superficial. We discussed at length if it's 'better' to marry a disabled person or someone with a lifelong incurable illness. Kie prefers the latter - 'cuz it's 'invisible' - no one will know, unless it occurs. For the disability, it's a physical defect so it's obvious to everyone. But, at least it's predictable. For someone with a lifelong incurable illness, we would never know if one day, the person would just collapse and die. So, deep down we must always be prepared for the inevitable. I think I could accept someone with both conditions, just that I'm a girl, and my parents would obviously frown on a man with such. A man that they are entrusting their daughter to. Still, life is unpredictable. As I told Kie, you never know if one day you are involved in an accident and become disabled, too.

But if I am disabled, and there is a godly man out there who wants to marry me, I know that he truly loves me.

This is an act of love in itself.

And I salute you, friend, for being so courageous, for knowing the essence of 'Love always protects" - by offering a cloak of love to your bride.

No revelation, no crossover

The word "consecration" literally means "setting apart." - wikipedia

I am personally convicted to commit ALL plans to God.
Have received prophetic words that this is a year of 'double portion'. Recently, been asking myself what does the 'crossover and takeover' mean to me? And I realised that it's scary if we are not living aligned to God, if we are not having a revelation from God - then, we cannot crossover! I hope that being a person of influence I am able to move people along with me. Also, I want to hear from God. This year will be really different, there are so many things waiting for me to do.

Reminded that I am going to be a turnaround leader. Have once said that I'm going to be the BEST cell leader East district has ever seen. Not in terms of numbers or spiritually, just that, at the end of the day I know I've done my best. There are still so many areas to learn, and there has been so many learning points for me last year that this year, it's just going to be impartation, and blessing others. Transforming lives!

________________________________

Max Lucado has this amazing ability to write in a way to make me see things in a light I've never seen before, and to wring my emotions so that I never forget what I've seen.

A cloak of love. I've never really saw Love as 'protecting' before. Love always protects. And I've realised why I'm so attracted to Grasshopper. Like no other.

He gives. And keeps giving and giving.

When I was sad and tired, he offered me a listening ear, and helpful advice.
He gave me multivitamins - and was so concerned over my long illness.
He gave me design work and paid for it too. And bought me a book that he thought I might be interested to read. Most of all, he gave me time. Even though he's busy. Even though I was moody. And not good company. Like no other.

And despite all the questions this friendship has left unanswered, I'm touched. Touched by his compassion, his desire to help me, his sincerity in asking about me and wanting to know more about what is happening in my life.

I can never give and give with so much intensity. I do not have anything to offer him. I can only pray. And everyday, I will. Pray for a revelation.

=) Someone called me today, I'm shortlisted in a lucky draw for a car. 1 out of 500 chance. Was just thinking what I'd do with it. Learn driving? Sell the car? Give it away? It's fun to fantasize!

Kie and cell

Happy birthday Mr Lee.


Crazy day, celebrated Kie's birthday by shopping at Mustafa's till late, really really late. I'm amazed we could stay out till 5am... Really can do this only when we're young! Bought him sweetcakes Indian type... instead of the usual creamed affairs. The small, custard sized cakes tasted rather nice with melt-in-your-mouth swirls of milky nodules and pistachios in between.

We interrogated him with questions about what he wished for and what he looked for in a woman. I think I will always remember his answer.

It's funny now that we are multiplying, I realised Kie's good qualities and actually begin to develop a deep respect for him. Despite being saved not too long ago, his indepth sharing which touches many lives, during cell sessions, really inspires me, and the rest. God has been so real to him and he has always said that he couldn't imagine he could be where he is right now, as a cell leader, so quickly. I've come to depend on him for emotional support during the times when as a singular leader I felt lost and discouraged. He is one person you can complain for hours to. Maximum - 2 hours.

I remember after service I would always be the last one driven home, and if I wanted to 'pour out', he would gently reverse his car into an empty lot facing my block. Sometimes he is really strict with me, in a strange reversal of roles, and I respect him for being so teachable and really honoring women, always supporting me since Day 1. He will definitely be a better leader than me when I first started out. I would love to play a supportive role with him as my leader and I the assistant!

But he too, is never reluctant to let me lead, in fact he relishes hearing from me too. I'm humbled. Appreciate him for that, for always encouraging me, never questioning my authority even though sometimes I can be quite...irritating.

We really make a good team.

Sounds disgustingly emotional, but I will feel so much like crying when he leaves (Actually I'm the one who is leaving.) I'm really hungry for multiplication, its like a pregnant woman waiting to give birth feeling, just waiting rather anxiously. At the same time, I will miss the people I barely got to know better. Nobody expected such a short time together - but I hope that when we are apart, we can remember the good times we spent. Serangoon117 cell - planted with two people, September 2005. Merged with some people, renamed Sunnydale - February 2005. SD1 and SD2, my babies - multiply February 2006. Made history by being the fastest cell to grow from 2 to multiplication stage(around 20 people now), in the East district. God is behind all this. God is always with us. Always.

Cold

::poem, copyright mine::


Aching eyes that see
Visions of what should be
But isn’t. Is not there, does not matter
Realise when you trace your fingers
Upon the roughness of the stone-etched surface
The mystery of the soul
The irresistible power
Of desire
Of a person that can cause you
So much pain and suffering
Yet
You love him
In ways so deep you cannot even understand
I thought I caught
A glimpse of him in that blue shirt
But it wasn’t
Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be
Beyond imagination
Through the threshold between illusion and reality
Grasping the warmth between the covers
Invigorating emotions pulse through my soul
Still running from what is real
Still wanting to be a part of
What is you and me
Not knowing though
The meaning of my fleeting thoughts
The symbology of my nighttime illusions
You call me
Again
Or am I calling you too?

Expiry date

Sometimes seeing familiar faces again after a long period of absence, having suffering and pain as your only companions, makes you want to hug them. Or at least touch them, pat their faces, their shoulders to see if they really exist. And to see if they're still the same. Yes.

I shall hug people more often this year.

I love my friends.

It was fun just meeting them after a long hiatus. How I wish I had more time to spend with them, individually. That the keepable friendships will last beyond proverbial gossips.

There is no expiry date to friendships, right? I think its' destiny is more left to chance though, and circumstances, than choice.

I actually said meanly to a dear friend that our friendship is going to expire on 'this-date-this-year'. At that point of time, I have no idea why I said that. Perhaps six months ago I had a premonition that this friendship is seasonal. I wanted to care, but maybe I've lost that ability. After that, I repeated what I said, on and off. It became some sort of a joke, but deep down inside, I really think that it will happen.

Then, little signs of what is going to happen are taking place right now.

Some friendships I want to see happening isn't, so I'm not waiting with bated breath to see if it does take place. Maybe I'm leaving everything to the hands of God. Maybe, I'm just not as patient or persistent enough. It does matter to me. I treasure them. The small but still deeply felt impact of their words on my life. How can I give them up?

How I wish that there is a world where our thoughts could be read, sometimes, the nice ones, by the people we want to read them. Then we could read theirs back and know what they think, what they feel about us. But for us right now, we have to press on. In wanting to know people, not just anyone, but deep down, instinctively searching for a soul mate.

I wanted to get to know Turtle better for a long time already, but we just didn't have the convienience of time or situation to propel us together. Happily, through Travis we met, and actually hit it off quite well. Travis is responsible for a lot of the good things in my life. He's like someone you can take for granted to listen to you when you call, to complain to, to wait for him to call on you.

So much like Jesus.


And for all my life, I have unintentionally taken advantage of these meek people.

I have pushed them around, ordered them to do stuff for me, knowing they humbly will, rejoiced together at my victories, and updated them with my life stories. They always remember to ask, "How's everything?"

Only sometimes we forget to ask back.

Does our callousness imply a lack of love? Perhaps, its more of selfishness. All of me and less of him. We want to be heard, to be appreciated, to talk, more than listen.

But I love you, too.

I shall listen to him and not talk tomorrow.

Memo

Random thoughts. Brain's still not fully functioning.

It's worse today. Bad headache - I thought the earache pain was bad enough, but this one is splitting, throbbing... I couldn't sleep.

The headache was brought on by the dry cough.

The cold weather makes it worse. But I like the rain though, surprisingly non-depressing.

Watched another HongKong movie today. In chinese, starring Leon Lai and Faye Wong. Very boring. Not superb acting, same-old-same-old lovers plot.

I wondered today if I had six months left to live, what would I do.

I thought for a really long time and couldn't come up with anything.

Maybe my mind's slow because of the headache, or there isn't anything I could realistically achieve in this short time frame with ill health.

Grass called today.

He called my house, also.

He just touched down.

I was asleep (trying to sleep despite the headache). Heard the phone ring, Dad picked it up.

I didn't call back(yet). Don't have the energy to think of what to say.

I'm going to write a story.(Inspired by HongKong lover movies.)

Not Shiner's fault that I'm sick.

I want to go back to work. I want to go Robinson's sale.(Not really.) I want to go for a walk.

I want to breathe in the fresh breeze.

Lost 2 kg to Mr Cough and Ms Sore-Throat. I still eat. A lot, in fact. A lot of porridge. Haha.

While you were away...

I've just lost 2 kg battling influenza.

Yes, that's the common flu. Thought gastroenteritis was bad, this flu's even worse. Gross details like my nose running, until a small blood vessel burst not once but a few times, ruining the pure transparent color, I shall not go into. The worst thing is that my brain takes a holiday and I cannot think coherent, logical thoughts nor summon the energy to go further. Been a week already, I do feel better although still really aching. Can't do much at home, initially even sitting up surfing is too exhaustative, so I just watched dvds non-stop, till I had strange dreams dubbed in cantonese(too many hongkong movies!) Golden Chicken 2 was a pleasantly nice show though, I like the way they portrayed their nationalistic views yet being very down-to-earth. Comedic too, Sandra Ng is superb. And of course the many love dramas starring Louis Koo, Gigi Leung and someone else. Why always they two together. Though I must say one can never tire of seeing him in those oxford blue shirts with checked vest and slightly nerdy lover look, with thick black glasses to match. Every HongKong girl's dream perhaps.

Realised I've been sick more days than well (In December). Hope for a healthier January although I've greeted the new year with mucus and phelgm (are they not the same thing?)

Caught a glimpse of my "August-mistake loser-guy" on Friday. He looks different. Never was handsome, but now sort of cool. I hope he has forgotten me. I forgot about him until I saw him again. And then my mind realised why I made the January-mistake with the other guy. It was because of him.

One day young ones, I will write about all my mistakes and loser-guys. The world will be much wiser. Hopefully. Till then, I shall find a hongkong movie dvd to watch...