I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately...
Asking questions, a way of improving myself.
But asking too many questions leads to some headaches and too much analysis leaves me 'aloof and preoccupied'. Guess I'm at my happiest when in the company of people. It helps me to be more positive. I'm so so glad that so many things are happening in my life, at least I cannot complain my life is boring, haha!
Been analysing (again) the people in my life. I think understanding their makeup helps me to better understand conflict management. Wondering how come I just cannot get along with some people, even though on the whole, I get along well with almost everyone. But to connect on a deeper level, very few can actually get that with me. 'It takes time', is just an excuse, I do get close to a rare few, considerably fast, if measured by the quantity of time. Then again, it's hard to please me. Complained that Friend X was too indecisive because he always leaves the decision to me... as if he doesn't have a preference of his own. (In reality, he was just being sweet and pandering to my fragile heart). Then, Friend Y just decided on my behalf - which I wasn't too happy about either! But honestly would prefer, la... Not all the time though. So... it's hard to please me!
I'm over the moon when my big boss spends time with me, I really like him, his character... he's like John C Maxwell live in person, got to see him to believe it! On connecting with people, he told me, it's a higher level when couples that are really close, just give each other a 'look', and instantly one knows what the other is thinking. It's called 'soul-fusion', the word reminds me of some tea, funnily. And big boss is trying to understand people in that way too, to read the body language and spend time with his staff so that he knows what they are thinking (about him?). Haha... guess he will give up trying to 'read' me 'cuz I do give out very confusing signals. Was thinking, hmmm... recently there was one instance where I laughed in a certain way during my conversation, and the recipient immediately knew what I was thinking about. He even voiced it out, to my utter surprise! Maybe he thinks the same way too... oh we are so neurotic. It surprised me because I always thought that you had to know the person for a long time, really... to understand one's soul. On the fast-track perhaps.
Weeks pass by really fast, it's the 39th week of the year. Sometimes I have some inklings to do things but don't get around to doing them, and day after day is filled with other activities that it's pushed, to the back of my mind, that I forget about it and only remember when I'm in bed and it's dark and ... no more energy to do anything, just want to rest. Quite tired this week, and I'm perturbed when commitments clash or I'm late 'cuz I cannot balance my schedule. Still learning, still adjusting. =)
Friday, September 30, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Impossible is nothing
Lately, I've been repeating this phrase to myself. I think it's a good phrase, especially during these times when I have to face so many challenges. But never mind, Rachel loves challenges. Sometimes disappointment in life is necessary? I believe for me, it helps me to treasure the things I have. And it is fun, looking for the silver lining in every gray cloud. Without those disappointments, I would never know how much my friends care for me, or what is my 'adversity quotient', how weak a character I have, or what are the areas I should avoid.
Meeting so many people gives me an insight into human behavior - I still don't understand... why some people have such mindsets, why some are much more easygoing, have less hang-ups in life, and are generally more successful. Maybe one day, I'll find out the answer and relate it in a book or something. It's messy, human relationships, especially when there is love, or material gain involved, the conniving and selfish side of human nature starts to take over and peace is abandoned. Trying to hone my listening skills, to walk around slowly, and learn more from the people around me.
For me, in the past and as well as now, I want to forge relationships based on a genuine and sincere interest in the person as a friend, not for any commercial gain or side motivation. It's hard to convey that, when you are in a sales job; but I guess I have to prove my sincerity. For now it's still the 'tryout' stage, pretty happy using different tactics and motivational approaches to get to see what moves the cheese. It's fun fun fun and I do like it here. Still very very optimistic now.... probably 'cuz I also have high expectations, of what miracles God can do this time round. the more difficult it is, the more my faith level increases, because the reality of the matter then, will blow my mind.
Had a good time showing Sheepy and Shiner my office today... they complimented it. I'm blessed to be here. Shiner said it had an open, relaxed setting...which I totally agree. Find it serene and not pent-up tension in the air like most offices. It's good to do work in a place you love. Later, went to have a simple dinner and coffee. We're supposed to be adults now, it seems childhood is far, far, away. Hee... last friday Jelly and I had fun playing with Shiner's stuff, hiding his present in his bag, trying to slip his handphone in his pocket! Tonight, we will try to quietly slip his birthday card under his pillow....as he wakes up to being 24, hope that he finds it soon? It's a cutesy pop-up card which I think he would really be pleased with. Happy birthday... may all your dreams come true!
Meeting so many people gives me an insight into human behavior - I still don't understand... why some people have such mindsets, why some are much more easygoing, have less hang-ups in life, and are generally more successful. Maybe one day, I'll find out the answer and relate it in a book or something. It's messy, human relationships, especially when there is love, or material gain involved, the conniving and selfish side of human nature starts to take over and peace is abandoned. Trying to hone my listening skills, to walk around slowly, and learn more from the people around me.
For me, in the past and as well as now, I want to forge relationships based on a genuine and sincere interest in the person as a friend, not for any commercial gain or side motivation. It's hard to convey that, when you are in a sales job; but I guess I have to prove my sincerity. For now it's still the 'tryout' stage, pretty happy using different tactics and motivational approaches to get to see what moves the cheese. It's fun fun fun and I do like it here. Still very very optimistic now.... probably 'cuz I also have high expectations, of what miracles God can do this time round. the more difficult it is, the more my faith level increases, because the reality of the matter then, will blow my mind.
Had a good time showing Sheepy and Shiner my office today... they complimented it. I'm blessed to be here. Shiner said it had an open, relaxed setting...which I totally agree. Find it serene and not pent-up tension in the air like most offices. It's good to do work in a place you love. Later, went to have a simple dinner and coffee. We're supposed to be adults now, it seems childhood is far, far, away. Hee... last friday Jelly and I had fun playing with Shiner's stuff, hiding his present in his bag, trying to slip his handphone in his pocket! Tonight, we will try to quietly slip his birthday card under his pillow....as he wakes up to being 24, hope that he finds it soon? It's a cutesy pop-up card which I think he would really be pleased with. Happy birthday... may all your dreams come true!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
In memory of the old wooden bench.
'I love you with your disguise,
you proven me love is blind;
there are no answer I tire;
2 stop the tears from my eyes.'
Anonymous, (sic). Copied from the graffiti on a table at a void deck, sg. 2005.
Remember the bench, the one we used to sit at; and the closeness that we shared, making the small space a little smaller with the inclusion of our bags - yours, a backpack; mine, a small one. Through the nights, we shared our expectations of life; our idealistic and materialistic desires, the funny, horrific, and endearing experiences that we've learnt through our meanders. We talked about the people we knew in church; the ones we liked, the ones we thought could do with some improvement in their social skills. Remember the time when I was afflicted with the dengue and shrank in size, and looked haggard because of the constant surges of pain. I just wanted some time spent, in silence; because even thinking what I wanted to say would drain the last vestiges of my energy. Already exhausted walking to the bench, but I hid the pain from you, when you were dissatisfied with my company.
Sometimes, taking a different path back home, I will walk past that bench. And inevitably, I would imagine the empty bench to be filled with your presence and mine, two of us nestled comfortably on the cold wood, and the wave of sentimentalism would hit me, as I realised that this memory, like the rest, would be relegated into the storehouses of nostalgia, and perhaps, in the near future, forgotten, as easily as it came.
Remember the bench? The bench is gone now. Replaced by some upgrading of the town, the bench has disappeared. And in its place, an insipid beige table, tiled with the same motif as the flooring. Two cement, tiled, benches flank it.
I sat there today and saw this poem. Probably, written by some uneducated student who did poorly in his studies of the language. How nice it was to have this person write an ode to the memories that was there, as if he knew.
Replacing my memories, with newer thoughts, I marvel at the inability to forget.
you proven me love is blind;
there are no answer I tire;
2 stop the tears from my eyes.'
Anonymous, (sic). Copied from the graffiti on a table at a void deck, sg. 2005.
Remember the bench, the one we used to sit at; and the closeness that we shared, making the small space a little smaller with the inclusion of our bags - yours, a backpack; mine, a small one. Through the nights, we shared our expectations of life; our idealistic and materialistic desires, the funny, horrific, and endearing experiences that we've learnt through our meanders. We talked about the people we knew in church; the ones we liked, the ones we thought could do with some improvement in their social skills. Remember the time when I was afflicted with the dengue and shrank in size, and looked haggard because of the constant surges of pain. I just wanted some time spent, in silence; because even thinking what I wanted to say would drain the last vestiges of my energy. Already exhausted walking to the bench, but I hid the pain from you, when you were dissatisfied with my company.
Sometimes, taking a different path back home, I will walk past that bench. And inevitably, I would imagine the empty bench to be filled with your presence and mine, two of us nestled comfortably on the cold wood, and the wave of sentimentalism would hit me, as I realised that this memory, like the rest, would be relegated into the storehouses of nostalgia, and perhaps, in the near future, forgotten, as easily as it came.
Remember the bench? The bench is gone now. Replaced by some upgrading of the town, the bench has disappeared. And in its place, an insipid beige table, tiled with the same motif as the flooring. Two cement, tiled, benches flank it.
I sat there today and saw this poem. Probably, written by some uneducated student who did poorly in his studies of the language. How nice it was to have this person write an ode to the memories that was there, as if he knew.
Replacing my memories, with newer thoughts, I marvel at the inability to forget.
Thousand miles yet uncovered
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
- Ancient proverb, Chinese origin.
Learning to stay positive. Its trying, too many concerns boggling up, and issues where I felt was really bad mis-management in general that got many people uptight and frustrated, me included. Already emotionally drained since the past week, I really wondered how I survived this week without banging my head against the wall, literally, or wounding some unfortunate soul. Still must say that I cannot handle my feelings that well yet, perhaps I do not deem it as that important. Some of my sheep called my almost everyday to share their frustrations too. It's terribly hard to be encouraging when you don't feel too good yourself. Many times I wanted to tel them to get a grip on themselves, my issues are bigger, more serious, much more sensitive... It has really been tough on me, but on the other hand I'm glad that they chose to share with me their concerns, and that by listening, I can provide a positive influence on their lives.
Still, ministering angels are around to encourage me. The people I interacted with, shared unhesitatingly about what God is doing in their lives, even those whom I'm really not close with and have not interacted with before. They put a smile on my face by their sincere faith in God, and I believe this week I have been touched, by many. Won't forget the prayer on the escalator to the Esplanade; the sincere offer that I can call, anytime, I need to talk. The kind words and prayers, so many. I needed those. I'm so tired.
- Ancient proverb, Chinese origin.
Learning to stay positive. Its trying, too many concerns boggling up, and issues where I felt was really bad mis-management in general that got many people uptight and frustrated, me included. Already emotionally drained since the past week, I really wondered how I survived this week without banging my head against the wall, literally, or wounding some unfortunate soul. Still must say that I cannot handle my feelings that well yet, perhaps I do not deem it as that important. Some of my sheep called my almost everyday to share their frustrations too. It's terribly hard to be encouraging when you don't feel too good yourself. Many times I wanted to tel them to get a grip on themselves, my issues are bigger, more serious, much more sensitive... It has really been tough on me, but on the other hand I'm glad that they chose to share with me their concerns, and that by listening, I can provide a positive influence on their lives.
Still, ministering angels are around to encourage me. The people I interacted with, shared unhesitatingly about what God is doing in their lives, even those whom I'm really not close with and have not interacted with before. They put a smile on my face by their sincere faith in God, and I believe this week I have been touched, by many. Won't forget the prayer on the escalator to the Esplanade; the sincere offer that I can call, anytime, I need to talk. The kind words and prayers, so many. I needed those. I'm so tired.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Before falling asleep I think of a hundred things.
Some gruesome, some gentle, some so weird it cannot be classified into any category.
Some moments of reminicising seem so poignant when the darkness falls and the wind with the smell of the rain, blows past the window into my room.
I huddle, snugly tucked in between the sheets, with my toes peeking out.
Wondering about the way I feel, about things that I need to resolve.
Not thought about it for some time now, the daily activities has kept me happily busy.
But certain things I once felt, has resurfaced.
I cannot walk past you and not acknowledge your existence.
Just wanted to understand what cannot be comprehended.
What do things mean to you, now, and does it even matter.
Moving on is great, but there is a part of me that needs to remember.
This is my history and you are a part of it. Admit it was a mistake, and live, free.
I do not want excuses, I do not want valid reasons.
Just thought that it would be nice if we could meet for tea.
Wanted to hear from you, how have you been, what have you been doing.
The response is as always, 'I'm busy'.
It might have been, I never want to see you again, or, leave me alone, the result is the same.
Immune already to these reactions, I struggle to understand your psyche.
I'm already free. I've moved on now. I like someone, you know?
I have a job. It's a wonderful place. My life has changed. I'm going places, meeting new faces.
You seem oblivious to the day and toil on, late at night.
I just wanted to meet for tea.
Some gruesome, some gentle, some so weird it cannot be classified into any category.
Some moments of reminicising seem so poignant when the darkness falls and the wind with the smell of the rain, blows past the window into my room.
I huddle, snugly tucked in between the sheets, with my toes peeking out.
Wondering about the way I feel, about things that I need to resolve.
Not thought about it for some time now, the daily activities has kept me happily busy.
But certain things I once felt, has resurfaced.
I cannot walk past you and not acknowledge your existence.
Just wanted to understand what cannot be comprehended.
What do things mean to you, now, and does it even matter.
Moving on is great, but there is a part of me that needs to remember.
This is my history and you are a part of it. Admit it was a mistake, and live, free.
I do not want excuses, I do not want valid reasons.
Just thought that it would be nice if we could meet for tea.
Wanted to hear from you, how have you been, what have you been doing.
The response is as always, 'I'm busy'.
It might have been, I never want to see you again, or, leave me alone, the result is the same.
Immune already to these reactions, I struggle to understand your psyche.
I'm already free. I've moved on now. I like someone, you know?
I have a job. It's a wonderful place. My life has changed. I'm going places, meeting new faces.
You seem oblivious to the day and toil on, late at night.
I just wanted to meet for tea.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Come and make, my heart, Your home
God always speaks to me in amazing ways, through people, through songs, through daily activities. It's been a tough week for me generally; emotionally so drained because of all the conflicting feelings - happy and stressed at the same time, worrying, but knowing God wil provide, just not knowing when, and how... There is a testimony in the making; if God-willing, actually two testimonies. Being now in this 'valley' though is not a nice feeling at all. I prayed/lamented to God, Psalms 121 verse 1, it went something like I look up to the hills for help, where does my help comes from? Where. Where. Where. I need to know, and I need to know it quickly, argh!
And during service one line in the worship song just 'jumped' out at me:
"For Your love, is higher than the heavens...." It is as if God is tapping me on the shoulder and saying gently, Heyyy... Remember that I love you...I see your heart, your desire for things to happen.
In times like these I'm glad to say that I'm never alone. The prayers mean so much to me, when I know friends are keeping me in their hearts. Just sobbed when I heard the children sing worship songs to God - Serving in the 4-6year old group, these kids are really intelligent yet still having the innocent faith. They just sang out loud at the top of their lungs. I thought my singing was already pretty loud, but their voices (and there were not many of them) drowned me out. Listening to this kids made me realise how faith works - I think, their faith is stronger than mine, for the very least, that they believe every word they are singing. And singing it with gusto, with a firm belief that is so lacking, when we grow up.
And Hansel, this really handsome, naughty, active, charming boy... kissed my hand quite a few times. I think I fell in love with him. Oh yes, I kissed him back too. On the cheek. The childlike gesture to show that he likes me touched me so much. Almost felt like doing it to Shiner too, but I'm sure he would be too amused.
I'm still so emotionally drained; probably I've never felt like this or encountered such a situation before - something that I really really want to see happening, the door is open right in front of me, but it's such a tiring journey just to get there. I do wish things could be easier, but at the same time I know that I'll really treasure it when the journey is more difficult. I do like challenges, but I'm afraid emotional ones do not bode well for my mental faculties. Trying not to sigh is already challenging enough. Needing support in the form of prayer for now, I'm thankful for the few people that will rally around me. Keep me in your heart. Whatever the outcome, I will worship Him, with abandon.
And during service one line in the worship song just 'jumped' out at me:
"For Your love, is higher than the heavens...." It is as if God is tapping me on the shoulder and saying gently, Heyyy... Remember that I love you...I see your heart, your desire for things to happen.
In times like these I'm glad to say that I'm never alone. The prayers mean so much to me, when I know friends are keeping me in their hearts. Just sobbed when I heard the children sing worship songs to God - Serving in the 4-6year old group, these kids are really intelligent yet still having the innocent faith. They just sang out loud at the top of their lungs. I thought my singing was already pretty loud, but their voices (and there were not many of them) drowned me out. Listening to this kids made me realise how faith works - I think, their faith is stronger than mine, for the very least, that they believe every word they are singing. And singing it with gusto, with a firm belief that is so lacking, when we grow up.
And Hansel, this really handsome, naughty, active, charming boy... kissed my hand quite a few times. I think I fell in love with him. Oh yes, I kissed him back too. On the cheek. The childlike gesture to show that he likes me touched me so much. Almost felt like doing it to Shiner too, but I'm sure he would be too amused.
I'm still so emotionally drained; probably I've never felt like this or encountered such a situation before - something that I really really want to see happening, the door is open right in front of me, but it's such a tiring journey just to get there. I do wish things could be easier, but at the same time I know that I'll really treasure it when the journey is more difficult. I do like challenges, but I'm afraid emotional ones do not bode well for my mental faculties. Trying not to sigh is already challenging enough. Needing support in the form of prayer for now, I'm thankful for the few people that will rally around me. Keep me in your heart. Whatever the outcome, I will worship Him, with abandon.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
I look to the hills for help...
Je soulèverai vers le haut mes yeux aux montagnes, d'où mon aide doit-elle venir ?
...and I am getting very, very stressed.
Still, I'm keeping a song in my heart. That, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. How can I stretch my faith? How can I know what is best? How. Who. Why when where what... arh.
I'm happy when I'm busy. Even when complaining that I am busy, this gives me a sort of perverse satisfaction. When I'm busy I don't eat - actually, not that there's no time, just no mood and I don't feel hungry anyways. Which is good, I can survive on little primary-school type biscuits that come in transparent plastic wrappers, little round coins with a yellow one- on top and a brown one below. Realised the reason for the myriad of emotions, it's due to me being on multitask mode, thinking about a million things, work, ministry, people, schedules, dreams, finances, future plans, prayer, reflections, things not yet done, etc all rolled into one big, overlapping, ginormous train of thought that never stops. Heck even before the alarm rings my happily overworked mind is choosing to start the engine before the body warms up. I can actually pray in a subconscious state - aha! That needs a high level. It's either due to the fact that internally I am super stressed, or that I am super holy. Well, the former is true anyways. I need lessons in 'how to hope' when hope is frail... it's time to kill... But there can be miracles, when Rachel believes. For now, I am still positive and I can actually feel some people praying for me, it 'floats' me now. But when reality seems bleak I really don't know how I can hope. Hope is futile, it is a dream, a lavish emotion, wasted on something that is or might be going to take place, but whether it does; is not dependent on hope, but the extenuating circumstances. Hope is the only thing that sustains a positive mindset, for now.
And now I am hoping for two things to come to pass, not just one. For a dream fulfilled. For needs to be met, urgently. For 2 miracles to happen, and then it's testimony time. I'll pray like I've never prayed before, this really stretches my imagination! =)
...and I am getting very, very stressed.
Still, I'm keeping a song in my heart. That, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. How can I stretch my faith? How can I know what is best? How. Who. Why when where what... arh.
I'm happy when I'm busy. Even when complaining that I am busy, this gives me a sort of perverse satisfaction. When I'm busy I don't eat - actually, not that there's no time, just no mood and I don't feel hungry anyways. Which is good, I can survive on little primary-school type biscuits that come in transparent plastic wrappers, little round coins with a yellow one- on top and a brown one below. Realised the reason for the myriad of emotions, it's due to me being on multitask mode, thinking about a million things, work, ministry, people, schedules, dreams, finances, future plans, prayer, reflections, things not yet done, etc all rolled into one big, overlapping, ginormous train of thought that never stops. Heck even before the alarm rings my happily overworked mind is choosing to start the engine before the body warms up. I can actually pray in a subconscious state - aha! That needs a high level. It's either due to the fact that internally I am super stressed, or that I am super holy. Well, the former is true anyways. I need lessons in 'how to hope' when hope is frail... it's time to kill... But there can be miracles, when Rachel believes. For now, I am still positive and I can actually feel some people praying for me, it 'floats' me now. But when reality seems bleak I really don't know how I can hope. Hope is futile, it is a dream, a lavish emotion, wasted on something that is or might be going to take place, but whether it does; is not dependent on hope, but the extenuating circumstances. Hope is the only thing that sustains a positive mindset, for now.
And now I am hoping for two things to come to pass, not just one. For a dream fulfilled. For needs to be met, urgently. For 2 miracles to happen, and then it's testimony time. I'll pray like I've never prayed before, this really stretches my imagination! =)
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Hope for a good thing to happen; and about liking someone
It's the heart afraid of breaking,
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream- afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dying,
that never learns to live.
-Bette Midler, The Rose
I told Sheepy yesterday over sms, "It's a matter of choosing whether or not to like someone; and in doing so, making it a part of your destiny."
Wished he understood that in a way that I wanted him, and everyone else, to. To understand that many things in life is futile; that hearts can be broken -but in naivete, mended, again. Being open to others does not lower your standing, you gain, from the other's openness too. Enigmatically I open myself up, only to those, who are open,too. So they perceive me as being open but, they are the open ones as well. It feels good to have a buddy share with you things they do not share with others, it makes me feel special that they have chosen, for this moment in time, to just share a little about themselves.
And for those I like, I remember. Every little thing. It's a part of my subconscious that wants to be playing a role, however unimportant, in their lives. That makes me want to hear, and hearing, seek to understand the person behind the facade, the mind beyond the visuals, to understand ... the soul of the person. Hopefully, someone will want to understand me in this same way too, that the way I think would be as intriguing to him as to me, because we share a dream, for ourselves, for our future...I hope, not because it is a dreamy, idealistic thing to do... but because it is necessary for me, for my dreams, to survive.
I need finances. I know it is a testing of faith for me.... a real stretching of it for these few months! I see possibilities, yes, and I believe all will work out. But for now, it's the time of just gingerly stepping into the waters, and letting God lead from there. I've just been allocated a slot for December's Aceh trip. I have no clue how to raise the $600 before this weekend, to go. It would be awfully devastating for me should the chance pass me by, just because of the financing issue. I need an answer for this, quickly... For now, I'm still in hope. Going to pray, for a miracle. =)
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream- afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dying,
that never learns to live.
-Bette Midler, The Rose
I told Sheepy yesterday over sms, "It's a matter of choosing whether or not to like someone; and in doing so, making it a part of your destiny."
Wished he understood that in a way that I wanted him, and everyone else, to. To understand that many things in life is futile; that hearts can be broken -but in naivete, mended, again. Being open to others does not lower your standing, you gain, from the other's openness too. Enigmatically I open myself up, only to those, who are open,too. So they perceive me as being open but, they are the open ones as well. It feels good to have a buddy share with you things they do not share with others, it makes me feel special that they have chosen, for this moment in time, to just share a little about themselves.
And for those I like, I remember. Every little thing. It's a part of my subconscious that wants to be playing a role, however unimportant, in their lives. That makes me want to hear, and hearing, seek to understand the person behind the facade, the mind beyond the visuals, to understand ... the soul of the person. Hopefully, someone will want to understand me in this same way too, that the way I think would be as intriguing to him as to me, because we share a dream, for ourselves, for our future...I hope, not because it is a dreamy, idealistic thing to do... but because it is necessary for me, for my dreams, to survive.
I need finances. I know it is a testing of faith for me.... a real stretching of it for these few months! I see possibilities, yes, and I believe all will work out. But for now, it's the time of just gingerly stepping into the waters, and letting God lead from there. I've just been allocated a slot for December's Aceh trip. I have no clue how to raise the $600 before this weekend, to go. It would be awfully devastating for me should the chance pass me by, just because of the financing issue. I need an answer for this, quickly... For now, I'm still in hope. Going to pray, for a miracle. =)
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Now what?
I wonder if men are like that, too. 'Cuz I feel a myriad of emotions. And I'm supposed to be a thinker. Unfortunately for me, realised my thinking cap has flown away to the lost worlds these days. Can't handle the overwhelming emotions that is just sweeping over me. Probably due to the fact that I've made 2 conclusions in the last 2 weeks or so. Me, I like to generate a thousand possibilities of exciting things happening... so when I conclude, it's like, ok. What's next? And perhaps that would be slightly depressing for me.
I cannot help but wonder why things happen the way they should. I'm not complaining, but life seems so different two, five, eight, months ago. Friends come and go so quickly. The global village that has made communication so much easier, also eats into our friendships. It becomes a sort of mutitasking.. even on the phone, when it was a privilege before, it is now viewed as another time-consuming activity. Even for me, I chat and manage to eat a meal, watch tv, read a book, prepare agendas, etc. I've displaced the energy it takes to build common bonds into trying to save time, and it doesn't really save much.
Yes, I am frustrated. And idiotically I don't know the reason why.
Or maybe I know why but I am not facing up to it.
Maybe if I sleep more it will all go away. Tell me not to worry. It's impossible. I'm not the 'worrier' sort, but sometimes when I think of the gravity of the situation, it befuddles me and I am lost, lost in the wonderful world of burdensome thoughts, things that I forget to do just pops up in my subconscious state as woefully punishing dreams, the tone of voice which I use changes into a subdued tone and I wish that for one instant, I could be someone else, not me. And it's hard to tell anyone that, you want to change just because change is good not because you don't like yourself, not because you are constantly dissatisfied with things. Or that you can't make any sense of the way the economy works or the way the world revolves, at least in your small little utopia, things aren't as rosy as it should be seen.
Arh.
I cannot pray for God to take away my emotions, 'cuz I don't want to be a robot.
Hahaha... couldn't resist that!
I cannot help but wonder why things happen the way they should. I'm not complaining, but life seems so different two, five, eight, months ago. Friends come and go so quickly. The global village that has made communication so much easier, also eats into our friendships. It becomes a sort of mutitasking.. even on the phone, when it was a privilege before, it is now viewed as another time-consuming activity. Even for me, I chat and manage to eat a meal, watch tv, read a book, prepare agendas, etc. I've displaced the energy it takes to build common bonds into trying to save time, and it doesn't really save much.
Yes, I am frustrated. And idiotically I don't know the reason why.
Or maybe I know why but I am not facing up to it.
Maybe if I sleep more it will all go away. Tell me not to worry. It's impossible. I'm not the 'worrier' sort, but sometimes when I think of the gravity of the situation, it befuddles me and I am lost, lost in the wonderful world of burdensome thoughts, things that I forget to do just pops up in my subconscious state as woefully punishing dreams, the tone of voice which I use changes into a subdued tone and I wish that for one instant, I could be someone else, not me. And it's hard to tell anyone that, you want to change just because change is good not because you don't like yourself, not because you are constantly dissatisfied with things. Or that you can't make any sense of the way the economy works or the way the world revolves, at least in your small little utopia, things aren't as rosy as it should be seen.
Arh.
I cannot pray for God to take away my emotions, 'cuz I don't want to be a robot.
Hahaha... couldn't resist that!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
At the AHM
Being at the AHM last Sunday was a fun experience for me. After 'attending' runs, I begin to understand why running is exhilarating for these guys! Yet, I don't suppose I can ever run the distance - 21 km... Not even 12 km. Just watching all the people managing to complete the run and whizz past the finish line...wow. And I noticed a few couples (which means the girl can run really fast) running hand-in-hand. Told Gee that if I was there, the guy had to drag me instead of ... hand-in-hand, haha! It was fun documenting my journey and taking photos.
There was one photo that Gee helped 3 strangers to take - ironically, they looked like what I imagined my 3 guys to be in 20 plus years' time. I cannot imagine in AHM 2025, they are still running, and I am still taking photos. What will be all be like then? Am I even here, in Singapore? And how would the 'route' change, in the future...? I'm sure lots.
I think it was a thrill 'cuz it was my first time spectatoring at the AHM and I had company so it wasn't a long wait at all, in fact I hardly waited... We were supposed to wait at the monument- cenotaph, but feeling restless and wanting to see the runners running, we walked to the start line at the Esplanade bridge - it was still dark, a rare sight to see the roads undecorated with cars and the runners past the One Fullerton, and then we boarded the coach for 'supporters of the race at SRC... Which took us to ECP and Fort Road and the places, to see them running... We were the only two people in the bus which made us feel so much like VIPs on that day! Saw interesting heaps of white cups which was once filled with gatorade, drank and thrown by the runners alongside the various points. The bus took us back to the finish line near the Padang and by then, the first guy had already came in! Managed to see the second womens' veteran and the rest... So interesting that the Minister of Defence took part too. =)
It was a good way to spend a Sunday morning, just soaking in the atmosphere. Gee and me agreed that in the future, if ever, our spouses were runners, we would definitely go down to support them. Toting our babies and all. Hee... Sheepy was telling me not to be there so early, I could go down later at a not so unearthly hour, but I indignantly replied that if I wanted to support, I'd support all the way. From the Start line, to the finish. Managed to see all of them go past the Finish line, and snapped them too. Except Jelly, 'cuz I was running after Shiner... Had a great photo of Sheepy running to the Finish! A lanky, orange, blur which looked so nice! At least to the photographer. And the best shot of Sheepy offering me ice cream. It was impromptu- and posed. Next up, making collages, my new favorite pasttime. I was beaming inside when I saw that Shiner put up the photos as his desktop wallpaper.
I want to go to the biathlon next... =)
There was one photo that Gee helped 3 strangers to take - ironically, they looked like what I imagined my 3 guys to be in 20 plus years' time. I cannot imagine in AHM 2025, they are still running, and I am still taking photos. What will be all be like then? Am I even here, in Singapore? And how would the 'route' change, in the future...? I'm sure lots.
I think it was a thrill 'cuz it was my first time spectatoring at the AHM and I had company so it wasn't a long wait at all, in fact I hardly waited... We were supposed to wait at the monument- cenotaph, but feeling restless and wanting to see the runners running, we walked to the start line at the Esplanade bridge - it was still dark, a rare sight to see the roads undecorated with cars and the runners past the One Fullerton, and then we boarded the coach for 'supporters of the race at SRC... Which took us to ECP and Fort Road and the places, to see them running... We were the only two people in the bus which made us feel so much like VIPs on that day! Saw interesting heaps of white cups which was once filled with gatorade, drank and thrown by the runners alongside the various points. The bus took us back to the finish line near the Padang and by then, the first guy had already came in! Managed to see the second womens' veteran and the rest... So interesting that the Minister of Defence took part too. =)
It was a good way to spend a Sunday morning, just soaking in the atmosphere. Gee and me agreed that in the future, if ever, our spouses were runners, we would definitely go down to support them. Toting our babies and all. Hee... Sheepy was telling me not to be there so early, I could go down later at a not so unearthly hour, but I indignantly replied that if I wanted to support, I'd support all the way. From the Start line, to the finish. Managed to see all of them go past the Finish line, and snapped them too. Except Jelly, 'cuz I was running after Shiner... Had a great photo of Sheepy running to the Finish! A lanky, orange, blur which looked so nice! At least to the photographer. And the best shot of Sheepy offering me ice cream. It was impromptu- and posed. Next up, making collages, my new favorite pasttime. I was beaming inside when I saw that Shiner put up the photos as his desktop wallpaper.
I want to go to the biathlon next... =)
Sunday, September 11, 2005
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