Thursday, March 30, 2006
Love comes first
I've noticed...
Some people are so absorbed in work that they cannot find relationships, or is it the other way around - they cannot find relationships and so they get absorbed in work. Can I have both, please. I've seen many successful men and women who get to the top, often to find themselves single, lacking in that one aspect of life that seems to be the most important. After all, emotional bonding is a necessity. Love is a necessity, at least for me. I've seen people who function extremely well when feelings are not involved, yet get into a mess because they cannot fathom the emotions that seep deep into the abyss of their soul, something they have ignored for the longest time. Perhaps only when they are on an overseas trip, be it a holiday, or some traveling to be done, then the pangs of loneliness sets in and they look searchingly at the horizon, wondering if they have given up too much, or dreamed of too little.
I've met many eligible guys in their 30s, many nice single ladies, both in my office and outside, people I talk to, people I've come to be friends with. When it is no longer possible to be with someone who is totally right for you, are you willing to settle for less? And if there is no one you can possibly imagine spending the rest of your life with, would you want to spend it alone? Is there no alternative solution for our increasingly single society. It's not as if they do not want to get married, perhaps this has never really been an important agenda for them in the life with so-many-things-to-do. Yet I see wistful longings on their faces when I tell them excitedly about my youthful dreams of relationships and kids, of a husband that loves me. I see the pangs of loneliness on their faces when I gush to them about the dates I've been to, the guys I've seen. Perhaps in listening to a young girl's dreams they remember once, that they had the capacity to love, and be loved in return.
Some people are so absorbed in work that they cannot find relationships, or is it the other way around - they cannot find relationships and so they get absorbed in work. Can I have both, please. I've seen many successful men and women who get to the top, often to find themselves single, lacking in that one aspect of life that seems to be the most important. After all, emotional bonding is a necessity. Love is a necessity, at least for me. I've seen people who function extremely well when feelings are not involved, yet get into a mess because they cannot fathom the emotions that seep deep into the abyss of their soul, something they have ignored for the longest time. Perhaps only when they are on an overseas trip, be it a holiday, or some traveling to be done, then the pangs of loneliness sets in and they look searchingly at the horizon, wondering if they have given up too much, or dreamed of too little.
I've met many eligible guys in their 30s, many nice single ladies, both in my office and outside, people I talk to, people I've come to be friends with. When it is no longer possible to be with someone who is totally right for you, are you willing to settle for less? And if there is no one you can possibly imagine spending the rest of your life with, would you want to spend it alone? Is there no alternative solution for our increasingly single society. It's not as if they do not want to get married, perhaps this has never really been an important agenda for them in the life with so-many-things-to-do. Yet I see wistful longings on their faces when I tell them excitedly about my youthful dreams of relationships and kids, of a husband that loves me. I see the pangs of loneliness on their faces when I gush to them about the dates I've been to, the guys I've seen. Perhaps in listening to a young girl's dreams they remember once, that they had the capacity to love, and be loved in return.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
career path
| Your Career Type: Enterprising |
 You would make an excellent: Auctioneer - Bank President - Camp DirectorCity Manager - Judge - LawyerRecreation Leader - Real Estate Agent - Sales PersonSchool Principal - Travel Agent - TV Newscaster The worst career options for your are investigative careers, like mathematician or architect. |
For granted
I take for granted the beautiful skies with white fluffy clouds and warm weather that brightens up the day, making sure washed clothes dry easily, making sure my shoes don't get mouldy.
I take for granted my healthy body, only wondering why people always lament at their ill state, or have to keep taking medication. I saw a man walking in pain on my journey to work today. I prayed to God I will never lose one side of my leg to a twisted, malformed, misshapen disease.
I take for granted the friends I have around me, always longing for love, looking for new pursuits, never thinking once of the ways they have been so supportive, rather; facing them with sarcasm and sometimes pointed words I hardly mean to say.
I take for granted my faith, having received so much, I still give little. Wanting more and more blessings and prosperity, but unwilling to commit to a higher cause. Seeing the needs that can be filled, yet stepping aside and hoping for a miracle but not providing one.
I can't choose my experiences in life, but I can choose how to respond to them.
Unfortunately my responses have not always been cohesive, nor righteous.
My emotional responses are triggered off by external factors I cannot control.
I take for granted my healthy body, only wondering why people always lament at their ill state, or have to keep taking medication. I saw a man walking in pain on my journey to work today. I prayed to God I will never lose one side of my leg to a twisted, malformed, misshapen disease.
I take for granted the friends I have around me, always longing for love, looking for new pursuits, never thinking once of the ways they have been so supportive, rather; facing them with sarcasm and sometimes pointed words I hardly mean to say.
I take for granted my faith, having received so much, I still give little. Wanting more and more blessings and prosperity, but unwilling to commit to a higher cause. Seeing the needs that can be filled, yet stepping aside and hoping for a miracle but not providing one.
I can't choose my experiences in life, but I can choose how to respond to them.
Unfortunately my responses have not always been cohesive, nor righteous.
My emotional responses are triggered off by external factors I cannot control.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Eagles don't regret
Eagles don't regret. Can I keep a bat for a pet?
He said to me,
"So are you giving the other guy a chance now?"
Now that he chooses to leave without telling me. Now that he is in Soi Country, without even calling me once. I'm not unhappy at the fact that he leaves, I'm dissatisfied with the way he thinks he can live his life without a thought for the people who care so much for him.
They say opportunity only knocks once. By his actions, my door is gingerly pulled shut. Yes, the feelings are dissipating. Feelings don't last. Only commitment makes love last, in my opinion.
________________________________________
Called Brightmann "chou chou" today, haha. I actually forgot what it meant in French. Some kind of cutesy phrase I think. Met him downstairs from The Office, got a chance to stare into his eyes but still don't know what color they are. He told me a two-minute life story as we walked into the main corridor and parted ways. He's someone that makes me smile. Or rather, laugh uproariously! Last Friday, was in for a long meeting. Kept spotting him in the main corridor.
I usually hesitate talking to him because he is always talking to the bigshots. But hey, he always notices me and gives a shoutout to me! Felt slightly embarassed then as the whole corridor would know my name.
The other time I went out for a break - I was headed to the toilet and feeling kind of cold, saw Brightmann again, now talking to one ang moh I don't really like - I thought that he was a tad insincere in his treatment towards others, only paying them respect if they were associated with other bigshots. For me, he used to greet me heartily because I was Big Boss' pet, now that Big Boss is in HK, he slights me I think. Well, I don't give two hoots but well, it just shows his character. So Brightmann spotted me - I didn't think he would give a shoutout again... but he just said "Oh! She's coming this way!" And proceeded to hide behind a pillar... I turned in time to see the shocked look on the face of the ang moh, the one I didn't really like. That, was priceless. I grinned the whole day. Really made my Friday a cheery one. I know that Brightmann has tons and tons of work to do - In fact he said that it would take about a year to settle things. And he works all weekend long too... Yet he is so cheery, so happy bouncing about the office, it's a blessing to have people like that around.
He said to me,
"So are you giving the other guy a chance now?"
Now that he chooses to leave without telling me. Now that he is in Soi Country, without even calling me once. I'm not unhappy at the fact that he leaves, I'm dissatisfied with the way he thinks he can live his life without a thought for the people who care so much for him.
They say opportunity only knocks once. By his actions, my door is gingerly pulled shut. Yes, the feelings are dissipating. Feelings don't last. Only commitment makes love last, in my opinion.
________________________________________
Called Brightmann "chou chou" today, haha. I actually forgot what it meant in French. Some kind of cutesy phrase I think. Met him downstairs from The Office, got a chance to stare into his eyes but still don't know what color they are. He told me a two-minute life story as we walked into the main corridor and parted ways. He's someone that makes me smile. Or rather, laugh uproariously! Last Friday, was in for a long meeting. Kept spotting him in the main corridor.
I usually hesitate talking to him because he is always talking to the bigshots. But hey, he always notices me and gives a shoutout to me! Felt slightly embarassed then as the whole corridor would know my name.
The other time I went out for a break - I was headed to the toilet and feeling kind of cold, saw Brightmann again, now talking to one ang moh I don't really like - I thought that he was a tad insincere in his treatment towards others, only paying them respect if they were associated with other bigshots. For me, he used to greet me heartily because I was Big Boss' pet, now that Big Boss is in HK, he slights me I think. Well, I don't give two hoots but well, it just shows his character. So Brightmann spotted me - I didn't think he would give a shoutout again... but he just said "Oh! She's coming this way!" And proceeded to hide behind a pillar... I turned in time to see the shocked look on the face of the ang moh, the one I didn't really like. That, was priceless. I grinned the whole day. Really made my Friday a cheery one. I know that Brightmann has tons and tons of work to do - In fact he said that it would take about a year to settle things. And he works all weekend long too... Yet he is so cheery, so happy bouncing about the office, it's a blessing to have people like that around.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Into Personality
Quite interested into personality, body language and communication these days, believe that it's an integral part of communication. Just took this 10 minute (Phd certified) personality test, my assessment as follows:
Key Areas of your Personality
Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your Low Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Variety
Your High Assertiveness Level
Your Interaction Style:
You scored 65 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily outward towards other people and things - rather than inward. You don't mind being alone, but you feel most energized and inspired when you are around other people. Your mixed extroversion/ introversion tendency affects your learning style: For example, it is more effective for you to listen to a person explain something than it is for you to read about it on your own.
Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to recognizing emotions in other people. When you look at a person's face you focus on what you see on the right. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie. Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.
http://www.personality100.com
It's quite strange (and true) that they picked out on this unique way of my ... expressions, because I would use my left ear... because it's my master side.
Well, on the journey to know myself better, understanding myself and the people around me. I honestly believe that one cannot understand people without understanding ourselves first.
Key Areas of your Personality
Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your Low Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Variety
Your High Assertiveness Level
Your Interaction Style:
You scored 65 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily outward towards other people and things - rather than inward. You don't mind being alone, but you feel most energized and inspired when you are around other people. Your mixed extroversion/ introversion tendency affects your learning style: For example, it is more effective for you to listen to a person explain something than it is for you to read about it on your own.
Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to recognizing emotions in other people. When you look at a person's face you focus on what you see on the right. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie. Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.
http://www.personality100.com
It's quite strange (and true) that they picked out on this unique way of my ... expressions, because I would use my left ear... because it's my master side.
Well, on the journey to know myself better, understanding myself and the people around me. I honestly believe that one cannot understand people without understanding ourselves first.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Ice cream seller
How, an ice cream seller provokes deep thoughts today.
Walked out of The Office today with only one namecard left in my namecard holder. I usually put about 10 and slowly give it away. Today, I wondered who I could meet along the road on the way to Gym. Felt peckish so I unexpectedly stopped at an ice cream seller's cart near The Office. Walked down the River road so many, many times, never noticed him. He looked happy to see me as I pondered over what flavor to choose from. I sort of felt pity for him so I engaged him in small talk. Asked him where he came from and why did he choose to sell ice cream here.
He replied in a lisping voice - because he has lost his front teeth - that he was formerly a chef at BlackAngus and later started his own food biz but it failed due to the bird flu. He did not speak in a tone of resignation or blaming this party or that person - the way many, many people have spoken to me, when it comes to their biz ventures. He seemed content, truly joyful although many would pity him as a useless, uneducated person who could do nothing to contribute to Society. I realised today that despite some people having so much money, and he, a meagre sum, his happiness made him richer than most people in the corporate sector. Even talking to him I felt so touched by his enthusiasm for life. He gave me two wafers for free, even though I already had the bread and a cup of ice cream.
I gave him my last namecard, briefly telling him what I do. He seemed genuinely happy to receive it, that someone would give him a namecard even. He replied happily, "My name is Daniel! It's found in the Bible!" I gave a half-smile and said, my name, it also comes from the Bible. We told each other where our churches were.
As I was leaving he waved happily and said, "Bye! Jesus loves you!" I caught his words before I put on my headphones and went on my way.
Sitting by the River, eating the yam ice cream, I suddenly felt an irresistable urge to cry.
Isn't it amazing that I was hoping to bless someone today. Instead, God used him to bless me and touch my life, unexpectedly.
Later, went to the Gym. Haven't been there for months. Really months! I prayed a little prayer that if I were to see Batman, I would definitely ask him. And... I saw Batman. At first could not remember his face (or body, haha!) but I guess his remembrance of me gave him away. So, before I left, I finally got to know his name (and age, and where he lives) Another Gym buddy, another nice friend. Batman!
Walked out of The Office today with only one namecard left in my namecard holder. I usually put about 10 and slowly give it away. Today, I wondered who I could meet along the road on the way to Gym. Felt peckish so I unexpectedly stopped at an ice cream seller's cart near The Office. Walked down the River road so many, many times, never noticed him. He looked happy to see me as I pondered over what flavor to choose from. I sort of felt pity for him so I engaged him in small talk. Asked him where he came from and why did he choose to sell ice cream here.
He replied in a lisping voice - because he has lost his front teeth - that he was formerly a chef at BlackAngus and later started his own food biz but it failed due to the bird flu. He did not speak in a tone of resignation or blaming this party or that person - the way many, many people have spoken to me, when it comes to their biz ventures. He seemed content, truly joyful although many would pity him as a useless, uneducated person who could do nothing to contribute to Society. I realised today that despite some people having so much money, and he, a meagre sum, his happiness made him richer than most people in the corporate sector. Even talking to him I felt so touched by his enthusiasm for life. He gave me two wafers for free, even though I already had the bread and a cup of ice cream.
I gave him my last namecard, briefly telling him what I do. He seemed genuinely happy to receive it, that someone would give him a namecard even. He replied happily, "My name is Daniel! It's found in the Bible!" I gave a half-smile and said, my name, it also comes from the Bible. We told each other where our churches were.
As I was leaving he waved happily and said, "Bye! Jesus loves you!" I caught his words before I put on my headphones and went on my way.
Sitting by the River, eating the yam ice cream, I suddenly felt an irresistable urge to cry.
Isn't it amazing that I was hoping to bless someone today. Instead, God used him to bless me and touch my life, unexpectedly.
Later, went to the Gym. Haven't been there for months. Really months! I prayed a little prayer that if I were to see Batman, I would definitely ask him. And... I saw Batman. At first could not remember his face (or body, haha!) but I guess his remembrance of me gave him away. So, before I left, I finally got to know his name (and age, and where he lives) Another Gym buddy, another nice friend. Batman!
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Just another name and number
Vision, values, volition.
Part of my job scope includes calling dozens of people every week. I do like to talk to strangers actually(when I'm in a happy mood and having a good hair day), so it's just part of a small challenge to get it rolling.
I always sign off my emails with the signature "Prayer Changes Things", below my name and contact details. The ones that do remark on it are few, but this week, there was one guy. Someone I cold called because I had his namecard through a third party source. He was just another name and number in my long, long list of people I was in contact with. Someone I barely spoke with for minutes. Yet through his remark on my email signature, he replied in few sentences. Asked me if I had believed in prayer and was I going through some things right now. I replied, yes I do believe and in fact I'm a cell leader. Yes I was going through some emotional issues but it's nothing major. He asked if TTC was affliated to my church, and through his simple sentences I could tell he was a Christian as well. He is semi retired, and from the voice I guessed about 40s.
Then the shocker came. He sms-ed me that he was on sleeping pills. From my knowledge I guessed he was an insominac and probably depressed to some extent. I asked if everything was alright.
He replied that his wife was having an affair with a Christian married man for 5 years now and his PI caught them making love in parks and public spots. He was terribly sad and angry. I asked what was he going to do about it, he said, file for divorce. I offered him some words but I couldn't really know how to response with God's words of encouragement in a time like this.
I was wondering how God could use me in my marketplace. That guy was just another name and number in my list. I guess unexpected things do happen. I hope I was of help.
During AP night on Wednesday God spoke to me so so much. I needed affirmation, I had some! It was so clear, the affirmations about what I was doing, that God is pleased and that He will use me to speak. Words, from bad to turnaround. Two days later, I was doing that. That guy was just another name and number in my list! The word 'turnaround' has been sticking like a sore thumb in my mind ever since last year. I'm glad the words God has spoken again and again. Also, He promised that this year is a year of double portion for me. I hope it will come soon. One thing I cannot understand yet is the word that this year, I will fight many wars, but God will give strength. What wars? I don't like wars. But perhaps for my case the wars will bring about peace and restoration. I'm glad God, that you are pleased with what I am doing so far.
And I'm praying for an answer to one thing that will bring me a lot of joy. He has no idea how much he has changed my life, my worldview. And now all I want is to see him again. I owe him a goodnight hug.
Part of my job scope includes calling dozens of people every week. I do like to talk to strangers actually(when I'm in a happy mood and having a good hair day), so it's just part of a small challenge to get it rolling.
I always sign off my emails with the signature "Prayer Changes Things", below my name and contact details. The ones that do remark on it are few, but this week, there was one guy. Someone I cold called because I had his namecard through a third party source. He was just another name and number in my long, long list of people I was in contact with. Someone I barely spoke with for minutes. Yet through his remark on my email signature, he replied in few sentences. Asked me if I had believed in prayer and was I going through some things right now. I replied, yes I do believe and in fact I'm a cell leader. Yes I was going through some emotional issues but it's nothing major. He asked if TTC was affliated to my church, and through his simple sentences I could tell he was a Christian as well. He is semi retired, and from the voice I guessed about 40s.
Then the shocker came. He sms-ed me that he was on sleeping pills. From my knowledge I guessed he was an insominac and probably depressed to some extent. I asked if everything was alright.
He replied that his wife was having an affair with a Christian married man for 5 years now and his PI caught them making love in parks and public spots. He was terribly sad and angry. I asked what was he going to do about it, he said, file for divorce. I offered him some words but I couldn't really know how to response with God's words of encouragement in a time like this.
I was wondering how God could use me in my marketplace. That guy was just another name and number in my list. I guess unexpected things do happen. I hope I was of help.
During AP night on Wednesday God spoke to me so so much. I needed affirmation, I had some! It was so clear, the affirmations about what I was doing, that God is pleased and that He will use me to speak. Words, from bad to turnaround. Two days later, I was doing that. That guy was just another name and number in my list! The word 'turnaround' has been sticking like a sore thumb in my mind ever since last year. I'm glad the words God has spoken again and again. Also, He promised that this year is a year of double portion for me. I hope it will come soon. One thing I cannot understand yet is the word that this year, I will fight many wars, but God will give strength. What wars? I don't like wars. But perhaps for my case the wars will bring about peace and restoration. I'm glad God, that you are pleased with what I am doing so far.
And I'm praying for an answer to one thing that will bring me a lot of joy. He has no idea how much he has changed my life, my worldview. And now all I want is to see him again. I owe him a goodnight hug.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Level up!
Need some introspection again.
Physical Tank: Low. Although still look the same (I can't put on weight la) But I seem to have a general lack of energy and flexibility. I shall go to the gym soon... I really need to put in energy, get really tired after a day's work... Just want to jump into bed and be cuddled a bit... Ha...
Emotional Tank: Fluctuating to say the least... Day to day basis. Overall I would say I'm not contented at all, then again, how to be, when the recent spate of events have left me in doubt and worried to say the least? I've a lot of self-realisations recently but... is this perhaps a part of me that needs to mature still...
Mental Tank: Have been said to me that I'm very self-motivated. Actually I am, job-wise at least. Very happy and satisfied to reach the daily small targets that I have set, whether or not it would actually be lucrative in the long run still remains to be seen. I'm also happy with the people I've met, so many are so nice, approachable and friendly. Maybe I'm lucky but I tend to get really friendly people on the phone and on the street. Makes me even more motivated to share what I'm doing.
Spiritual Tank: Praying a lot for myself and my family these days, more than ever, sometimes it's so tiring that I pray and sleep and still wake up the next day with a frazzled look. I realise that I have not been really pursuing anything substantial lately, perhaps of the general lack of interest in topics... anyways I have been reading so much before, so ... I still think that I'm generally okay... just hanging in there by a thin rope.
Everyone needs more time and more money.
Why aren't we satisfied? =)
Physical Tank: Low. Although still look the same (I can't put on weight la) But I seem to have a general lack of energy and flexibility. I shall go to the gym soon... I really need to put in energy, get really tired after a day's work... Just want to jump into bed and be cuddled a bit... Ha...
Emotional Tank: Fluctuating to say the least... Day to day basis. Overall I would say I'm not contented at all, then again, how to be, when the recent spate of events have left me in doubt and worried to say the least? I've a lot of self-realisations recently but... is this perhaps a part of me that needs to mature still...
Mental Tank: Have been said to me that I'm very self-motivated. Actually I am, job-wise at least. Very happy and satisfied to reach the daily small targets that I have set, whether or not it would actually be lucrative in the long run still remains to be seen. I'm also happy with the people I've met, so many are so nice, approachable and friendly. Maybe I'm lucky but I tend to get really friendly people on the phone and on the street. Makes me even more motivated to share what I'm doing.
Spiritual Tank: Praying a lot for myself and my family these days, more than ever, sometimes it's so tiring that I pray and sleep and still wake up the next day with a frazzled look. I realise that I have not been really pursuing anything substantial lately, perhaps of the general lack of interest in topics... anyways I have been reading so much before, so ... I still think that I'm generally okay... just hanging in there by a thin rope.
Everyone needs more time and more money.
Why aren't we satisfied? =)
Sunday, March 12, 2006
An acre in Sri Lanka
"You deviate an inch on the map, you lose a thousand miles on the ground."
Ancient Chinese proverb.
When a woman asks her man, "How do I look?", it means that she is asking, how you do feel about me.
No shortcuts to the journey on which you are going on. I guess that is true for me. I don't want to take a shortcut and then miss it. Nor do I want (who wants?) to lose my focus and then take a longer time to get there. Wondering about Life and what it has in store for me. Growing up seems to be hard. Only a few years back, we still depend on the parents for pocket money, reliance to pay phone bills and stuff. Our holiday jobs was just to supplement our income to buy more new fads. Now, we have to earn our own keep. And in a short few years' time, marriage is on the cards, with kids along the way. How fast the balls keep coming. It's hard to imagine what it would be in a few years' time. How much we all would have changed.
But while I still can, I like to lie in bed and daydream a little, wishing for days where I can just smile and laugh on end, having no significant worries, having a man who loves me, someone I can trust and support if need be. I want to travel so much, the urge is getting increasingly stronger. Meeting Sri Lankan delegates yesterday fuelled another dream in me.
It's been a year. Last year before I had dengue, was volunteering with the video team in the Missions Convention, Adam.
I met this extremely fascinating Sri Lankan youth pastor who was my age. He was a lanky, dynamic guy who used to work as a newscaster. We had planned to talk more, but unfortunately I was down with the fever immediately after volunteering. I remember last year I was pretty peeved at my state of health because I missed my favorite Mark Gorman's speech.
This time, saw a bunch of Sri Lankans sitting in front of us during the service. Kie and Penelope and Fifi were so enthused with talking with them, I was so proud that my folks could offer a bit of Singaporean hospitality. Talked to Julian, Jude, Mitchell(that's the pastor), Natasha, Zaki, David and a few other girls. Hearing their dreams and how God has provided them with money really fuelled my desires to help others reach their dreams. Jul works in HSBC, Sri Lanka, and he earns about sgd $300 a month. I cannot imagine how much they saved, just to get here, and how hard it was. We take things for granted, because we have it too easy. They travel an hour's journey to their church. Yet they have so big dreams - Tash wants to build christian schools as there is none in their predominantly Buddhist country. When my deals come through, I shall definitely help fuel this mission. I have a dream now, too. Of buying a plot of land in Sri Lanka. To build, schools. Churches. Orphanages, etc.
Dr David Grant: Obey (God) and miss it... rather than not obey and miss it.
And I feel something for a certain country now, when I gaze at it's national flag. It seems to jolt me, make me feel something for its people and the places. I wonder... Am I going there soon?
So Canada, Australia, Thailand, Malaysia and Sri Lanka are now top of my list. If I make friends everywhere, I shall travel the world. On a shoestring budget!
Ancient Chinese proverb.
When a woman asks her man, "How do I look?", it means that she is asking, how you do feel about me.
No shortcuts to the journey on which you are going on. I guess that is true for me. I don't want to take a shortcut and then miss it. Nor do I want (who wants?) to lose my focus and then take a longer time to get there. Wondering about Life and what it has in store for me. Growing up seems to be hard. Only a few years back, we still depend on the parents for pocket money, reliance to pay phone bills and stuff. Our holiday jobs was just to supplement our income to buy more new fads. Now, we have to earn our own keep. And in a short few years' time, marriage is on the cards, with kids along the way. How fast the balls keep coming. It's hard to imagine what it would be in a few years' time. How much we all would have changed.
But while I still can, I like to lie in bed and daydream a little, wishing for days where I can just smile and laugh on end, having no significant worries, having a man who loves me, someone I can trust and support if need be. I want to travel so much, the urge is getting increasingly stronger. Meeting Sri Lankan delegates yesterday fuelled another dream in me.
It's been a year. Last year before I had dengue, was volunteering with the video team in the Missions Convention, Adam.
I met this extremely fascinating Sri Lankan youth pastor who was my age. He was a lanky, dynamic guy who used to work as a newscaster. We had planned to talk more, but unfortunately I was down with the fever immediately after volunteering. I remember last year I was pretty peeved at my state of health because I missed my favorite Mark Gorman's speech.
This time, saw a bunch of Sri Lankans sitting in front of us during the service. Kie and Penelope and Fifi were so enthused with talking with them, I was so proud that my folks could offer a bit of Singaporean hospitality. Talked to Julian, Jude, Mitchell(that's the pastor), Natasha, Zaki, David and a few other girls. Hearing their dreams and how God has provided them with money really fuelled my desires to help others reach their dreams. Jul works in HSBC, Sri Lanka, and he earns about sgd $300 a month. I cannot imagine how much they saved, just to get here, and how hard it was. We take things for granted, because we have it too easy. They travel an hour's journey to their church. Yet they have so big dreams - Tash wants to build christian schools as there is none in their predominantly Buddhist country. When my deals come through, I shall definitely help fuel this mission. I have a dream now, too. Of buying a plot of land in Sri Lanka. To build, schools. Churches. Orphanages, etc.
Dr David Grant: Obey (God) and miss it... rather than not obey and miss it.
And I feel something for a certain country now, when I gaze at it's national flag. It seems to jolt me, make me feel something for its people and the places. I wonder... Am I going there soon?
So Canada, Australia, Thailand, Malaysia and Sri Lanka are now top of my list. If I make friends everywhere, I shall travel the world. On a shoestring budget!
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Fragile Love
Short story, copyright mine.
For them, they had no opportunity to exchange last words.
It was a rush, a mad rush down the airport. Shane had so much faith in God. But perhaps all was in vain. He wanted to see her, for the last time, before she was cremated. Anxious to get back, he hardly slept since he heard the news. It was nearly impossible to get transit flights back from America to Singapore, but he was going to make it. He had to. With just the backpack on his shoulders, he ran, the length down Taipei airport to catch the connecting flight. He made it. The moment he boarded, the cabin doors closed and the plane prepared for takeoff. He made it this far, he could make it all the way, even though deep inside he felt like he wanted to die.
Rose was a sweet, quiet girl who loved kids, and loved to smile. Because of this love, she was going to become a teacher. Only that, Rose died early. The departure of a young adult always seems so sad, so wasted. At twenty-three, she was just beginning to bloom into a beautiful new phase of life. But at twenty-three, she decided that it was over. Rose decided to end her life, for reasons only known to her, one fateful morning. Just before her teaching assessment, Rose jumped. Down a seven storey flat. She died on impact.
He bought a ring for her. He had never bought a ring before, and wanted my help on it. Shane asked for my ring size. And bought one with the hope of it being a perfect fit. More than a ring, it symbolized all that he wanted to say to her. That she was special in his life.That she mattered. That of all the girls in his life that he had crossed paths with, she was the best one for him. He never had the chance to give it to her, to tell her that along with this ring, he wanted to marry her, to share their life together.
To see her one last time. He made it. He witnessed the cremation. He managed to press a rose into her hands, her pale and cold hands now belonging to a world not of his own. With a heavy heart he stood there, not believing his eyes. The last time he saw her, she was full of life, full of love. He knew that his heart broke, the moment he heard that she was dead. A heart broken can be mended, but no one could replace Rose, in his heart.
Since Shane was a teenager, he had always dreamed of love. Not just a love based on mutual attraction to one another, or those which conjure up butterfly feelings and tingles of excitement whenever he meets her. Shane wanted a love that endures. He shared to me that for him, it would be like the shooting of an arrow into a bulls’eye. Just need to meet one person, and that would be the right one. Just want to have one relationship. And she would be the best one. So through the angst of the growing-up years, through my crushes, and many failed relationships that I had, Shane stayed true to his desire. He never embarked on any love affair. He did not want to. Until he met Rose.
A love so deep it can only break the soul when it is dying. I felt pained at seeing Shane, my best friend, going through so much anguish. I wanted so much for him to be happy again.
Sometimes love has the ability to tear us apart, yet it reveals in us, the strength deep within that we never knew we had.
Nearly a year later, we met again. Two old friends, not yet weary with the tribulations of Life, instead, looking forward to the new year with many hopes and promises. The year ahead was going to be a good one. I gently asked him, if, it was still painful. He has moved into another season now, after the withering of his fragile emotions the year before. Shane told me that he has, after a period of silence, that he has been able to go on. That God has been so willing to do a heart surgery for him, that he can find himself being attracted to other godly women. I rejoiced in my spirit that he has found himself, along with God’s love. Time heals some; but not all. Only God can heal all.
In memory of Lil, 1 year death anniversary today. Rest in peace.
For them, they had no opportunity to exchange last words.
It was a rush, a mad rush down the airport. Shane had so much faith in God. But perhaps all was in vain. He wanted to see her, for the last time, before she was cremated. Anxious to get back, he hardly slept since he heard the news. It was nearly impossible to get transit flights back from America to Singapore, but he was going to make it. He had to. With just the backpack on his shoulders, he ran, the length down Taipei airport to catch the connecting flight. He made it. The moment he boarded, the cabin doors closed and the plane prepared for takeoff. He made it this far, he could make it all the way, even though deep inside he felt like he wanted to die.
Rose was a sweet, quiet girl who loved kids, and loved to smile. Because of this love, she was going to become a teacher. Only that, Rose died early. The departure of a young adult always seems so sad, so wasted. At twenty-three, she was just beginning to bloom into a beautiful new phase of life. But at twenty-three, she decided that it was over. Rose decided to end her life, for reasons only known to her, one fateful morning. Just before her teaching assessment, Rose jumped. Down a seven storey flat. She died on impact.
He bought a ring for her. He had never bought a ring before, and wanted my help on it. Shane asked for my ring size. And bought one with the hope of it being a perfect fit. More than a ring, it symbolized all that he wanted to say to her. That she was special in his life.That she mattered. That of all the girls in his life that he had crossed paths with, she was the best one for him. He never had the chance to give it to her, to tell her that along with this ring, he wanted to marry her, to share their life together.
To see her one last time. He made it. He witnessed the cremation. He managed to press a rose into her hands, her pale and cold hands now belonging to a world not of his own. With a heavy heart he stood there, not believing his eyes. The last time he saw her, she was full of life, full of love. He knew that his heart broke, the moment he heard that she was dead. A heart broken can be mended, but no one could replace Rose, in his heart.
Since Shane was a teenager, he had always dreamed of love. Not just a love based on mutual attraction to one another, or those which conjure up butterfly feelings and tingles of excitement whenever he meets her. Shane wanted a love that endures. He shared to me that for him, it would be like the shooting of an arrow into a bulls’eye. Just need to meet one person, and that would be the right one. Just want to have one relationship. And she would be the best one. So through the angst of the growing-up years, through my crushes, and many failed relationships that I had, Shane stayed true to his desire. He never embarked on any love affair. He did not want to. Until he met Rose.
A love so deep it can only break the soul when it is dying. I felt pained at seeing Shane, my best friend, going through so much anguish. I wanted so much for him to be happy again.
Sometimes love has the ability to tear us apart, yet it reveals in us, the strength deep within that we never knew we had.
Nearly a year later, we met again. Two old friends, not yet weary with the tribulations of Life, instead, looking forward to the new year with many hopes and promises. The year ahead was going to be a good one. I gently asked him, if, it was still painful. He has moved into another season now, after the withering of his fragile emotions the year before. Shane told me that he has, after a period of silence, that he has been able to go on. That God has been so willing to do a heart surgery for him, that he can find himself being attracted to other godly women. I rejoiced in my spirit that he has found himself, along with God’s love. Time heals some; but not all. Only God can heal all.
In memory of Lil, 1 year death anniversary today. Rest in peace.
Friday, March 10, 2006
The right decision
For the truly faithful, no miracle is necessary. For those who doubt, no miracle is sufficient.
-Nancy Gibbs.
What if Jesus gave up on the way to Calvary? Then he couldn't save the world. What if I gave up on the road to success? Then... I can't save myself.
Doctor V said to me today, a wise word of advice.
He said,
Make the right decision! If not, make the decision right.
Whew, that's a deep insight. Love to spend time chatting although it seems like we are on completely different wavelengths at times. He's the one who is still on his journey for God, waiting, searching. Mentioned about the sadness in his eyes. Today was a happy day for me, met ex-Big Boss, he flew down for a meeting. Introduced me as "his daughter", to the cafe aunt who is his church member. Sob sob! I really miss him! Wahhhhhhh... he is still so respected that when he walks around in The Office, you can literally see people's eyes lighting up and looking at him in a mixture of admiration and shyness, he is still a bit of a celebrity, someone much talked about, and more importantly, well-loved by most. Daddy. Having no children of his own, I'm glad he regards me as one of his kids.
And happily, met Brightmann too. Said his door was always open for me. That means a lot to me, although I don't even know where that is now, and whether that is to be taken literally or figuratively. Nothing salacious in that statement though, The Office has clear glass doors and walls.
I shall get to know Canada better. Remembered my conversation with Super2, that perhaps it (Canada!) was a good name for my kid girl, if I really made it. He recommended me to call my son Fullerton. It's so funny. But hey, I shall consider... =) Allegra (medicine brand) and hydrocortisone (steroidal) is not bad, too.
-Nancy Gibbs.
What if Jesus gave up on the way to Calvary? Then he couldn't save the world. What if I gave up on the road to success? Then... I can't save myself.
Doctor V said to me today, a wise word of advice.
He said,
Make the right decision! If not, make the decision right.
Whew, that's a deep insight. Love to spend time chatting although it seems like we are on completely different wavelengths at times. He's the one who is still on his journey for God, waiting, searching. Mentioned about the sadness in his eyes. Today was a happy day for me, met ex-Big Boss, he flew down for a meeting. Introduced me as "his daughter", to the cafe aunt who is his church member. Sob sob! I really miss him! Wahhhhhhh... he is still so respected that when he walks around in The Office, you can literally see people's eyes lighting up and looking at him in a mixture of admiration and shyness, he is still a bit of a celebrity, someone much talked about, and more importantly, well-loved by most. Daddy. Having no children of his own, I'm glad he regards me as one of his kids.
And happily, met Brightmann too. Said his door was always open for me. That means a lot to me, although I don't even know where that is now, and whether that is to be taken literally or figuratively. Nothing salacious in that statement though, The Office has clear glass doors and walls.
I shall get to know Canada better. Remembered my conversation with Super2, that perhaps it (Canada!) was a good name for my kid girl, if I really made it. He recommended me to call my son Fullerton. It's so funny. But hey, I shall consider... =) Allegra (medicine brand) and hydrocortisone (steroidal) is not bad, too.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Easy to Love Part 1
Excerpted from a Chester email:
"spoke to my mom again a few days ago for the second time. was nice to hear her voice again. a little advice from me: tell your parents that you love them more often (if you don't already do so). it's easy to take them for granted cause we think that they're going to be around for some time. i still remember when i met up with my dad in a small cafe in KL when i was 17 and had just finished high school. it was just the two of us. i hadn't seen him in almost a year, and somewhere along the conversation he said, "i can't help thinking that you hate me." i said i don't know "but i think a part of me does." he just noded his head. when he left that day that was the last time i saw him; he left for good four months later. rachel, what i would give to take those words back. so, don't make the same mistake i made, don't wait till it's too late."
Was just thinking these days, how easy it is to love people and how difficult to love God. Or vice versa, in certain ways. Been hankering on the topic of love a little bit, pretty much due to the things that have been happening around me and the way I feel towards people.
Well isn't that something all of us love to dream and read about.
Including me. I love Chester emails on mondays, they bring a sense of harmony.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Because he makes me laugh
Ocytoxin and dopamine.
Eddie Valiant: Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Who_Framed_Roger_Rabbit#Dialogue
Nuff said.
Eddie Valiant: Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Who_Framed_Roger_Rabbit#Dialogue
Nuff said.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Slanging
All too often nowadays I tend to lapse into a slang that can only be described as uniquely mine. A slang in which the words uttered tend to be pronounced in a comprehensible manner that can only be described as non-local-speak. I wonder where this faux accent was manufactured from, as I have noticed that I have spoken like that for as long as I can remember. But only recently it has gotten 'worse' - or if you look at it in another way, it should be 'better'.
I have forgotten how to speak Chinese. My ears no longer can figure out the simplest of phrases, two cojoining words put together to form a description of another word. I no longer can decipher how to order what to eat, thanks to the clearly illustrated signboards with numbers on them. No one now needs to understand a smattering of Chinese to order from Chinese food stalls. Just point to the picture, or even better, raise up a hand gesture in the symbol of the number that you want. You don't even need to speak. Strangely, Chinese hawkers now speak to me in local English-speak too. When I ask, 'how much?' (Because I cannot trust my tongue to twist into saying it in Chinese) They immediately answer, Oh, it's 70 cents, miss. Only the truly Chinese from China - many populating our shores these days, still hold on to tradition and refuse to speak in another language, almost standing out in their inability to local-speak.
I have absolutely no desire to put my offspring through the nightmare I went through, having failed my first test ever in the Chinese language. Having people laugh at me because of a single phrase I uttered. Others are more kind when you cannot pronounce English words right, they look sypathetically and utter kind nonsense about your underprivileged upbringing. But when you cannot speak your mother tongue, it is almost as if you have failed your duty by your ancestors. I prefer then, to be elitist and speak in my strange slang almost as though I have spent a good part of my life on the sidewalks of London and the highways of LA.
While in the bus, on the way home from The Office, I saw my old primary school mother tongue teacher Ding laoshi walking to her flat. As chances would have it, she lives close to mine. I was shocked at how old and frail she looked, almost like an old woman now, graying hair that was thinning in places. And then I realised that it was more than 10 years, close to 15, that I had actually last seen her. She was well-loved by all, unarguably the best mother tongue teacher we had ever had. I used to be on the same school bus as her, and she would take the opportunity to drill into me some chinese stuff which I never remembered. I wonder if the mother tongue teachers were amused at me not responding to my chinese name. In secondary, Mrs Fish had to call me "Rachel", only she couldn't pronounce it properly. I still remember one thing, though. She said to me, "Hai(a sigh)...(my chinese name) ar... Why you have beauty and no brains?" In Chinese of course. I remember feeling flattered that she thought I looked good - actually I did, in Primary. I was slim as a willow, with fair fair skin, thick red lips, and thick hair... perhaps it fitted into her expectation of a young femme.
Well... fast forward to now. Present time.
I have no beauty and no brains. Should I add no money as well?
Hahahahaha.
I have forgotten how to speak Chinese. My ears no longer can figure out the simplest of phrases, two cojoining words put together to form a description of another word. I no longer can decipher how to order what to eat, thanks to the clearly illustrated signboards with numbers on them. No one now needs to understand a smattering of Chinese to order from Chinese food stalls. Just point to the picture, or even better, raise up a hand gesture in the symbol of the number that you want. You don't even need to speak. Strangely, Chinese hawkers now speak to me in local English-speak too. When I ask, 'how much?' (Because I cannot trust my tongue to twist into saying it in Chinese) They immediately answer, Oh, it's 70 cents, miss. Only the truly Chinese from China - many populating our shores these days, still hold on to tradition and refuse to speak in another language, almost standing out in their inability to local-speak.
I have absolutely no desire to put my offspring through the nightmare I went through, having failed my first test ever in the Chinese language. Having people laugh at me because of a single phrase I uttered. Others are more kind when you cannot pronounce English words right, they look sypathetically and utter kind nonsense about your underprivileged upbringing. But when you cannot speak your mother tongue, it is almost as if you have failed your duty by your ancestors. I prefer then, to be elitist and speak in my strange slang almost as though I have spent a good part of my life on the sidewalks of London and the highways of LA.
While in the bus, on the way home from The Office, I saw my old primary school mother tongue teacher Ding laoshi walking to her flat. As chances would have it, she lives close to mine. I was shocked at how old and frail she looked, almost like an old woman now, graying hair that was thinning in places. And then I realised that it was more than 10 years, close to 15, that I had actually last seen her. She was well-loved by all, unarguably the best mother tongue teacher we had ever had. I used to be on the same school bus as her, and she would take the opportunity to drill into me some chinese stuff which I never remembered. I wonder if the mother tongue teachers were amused at me not responding to my chinese name. In secondary, Mrs Fish had to call me "Rachel", only she couldn't pronounce it properly. I still remember one thing, though. She said to me, "Hai(a sigh)...(my chinese name) ar... Why you have beauty and no brains?" In Chinese of course. I remember feeling flattered that she thought I looked good - actually I did, in Primary. I was slim as a willow, with fair fair skin, thick red lips, and thick hair... perhaps it fitted into her expectation of a young femme.
Well... fast forward to now. Present time.
I have no beauty and no brains. Should I add no money as well?
Hahahahaha.
Monday, February 27, 2006
To b or non-b?
Yet another one bites the dust.
Just thought that it would be nice to share that I am fully convicted that a non-believer (relationship wise) is totally out of the question for me; but even right now, I don't have the heart to say it truthfully. The past week, we had chance encounters with people who reminded us that hey, everyone has emotions and those who follow theirs, often put their hearts on their sleeves. Waiting for others to stab them down.
I have experienced relationships with non- and (what's the opposite of non?) not-non-believers alike. Some short-term, others more serious.
Asked Johnny how it felt like to stay single for over 10 years already. Since he accepted Christ he never got attached. Are standards set too high? He admitted he was attracted to this non-b girl recently. Asked him why he never started. He said he couldn't imagine what to say to end it. Is he going to stay single his entire life just for the sake of this one thing which was written in the Bible? And am I going to respect those, many many, singles in our church for having done that, despite the fear that they might be left-on-the-shelf? OR do I judge those that have fallen, fallen in love with someone that they were not supposed to?
Heard sob stories from new-bs and old-bs alike how difficult for them this struggle is.
Would I still go to heaven despite being attached to this non-b?
Yes. I believe so. Just that you can't find a godly man to marry you off. Maybe the godly man feels for your situation too, but he has to live up to his title. You can still wear white. You can still invite me to your wedding.
Sometimes Bs have too many hang-ups because of too many beliefs. Make it simple, let your honest answer come from your soul, your heart, your spirit, your mind. If I condone these relationships, what kind of christian leader am I being? Can I be sure that I won't fall - in love - too? After all, falling in love is not dependent on which belief you come from. But it is already written in the Holy Bible, what is - and what isn't. What should be and what should not. Hey, read it for yourselves.
I am attending Johnny's brother's wedding in a few months'. The first few of my classmates to get hitched. While a posh wedding is ideal, what happens after the marriage is - the rest of your lives together. Johnny, I can't say that I'm brave enough to make the same decision when it comes to the crunch. But I do respect you getting your act together, despite the pressure from your peers to find a girl, despite people wondering if you are gay just because you've not been in a romance for some time. Keep going, love awaits.
Just thought that it would be nice to share that I am fully convicted that a non-believer (relationship wise) is totally out of the question for me; but even right now, I don't have the heart to say it truthfully. The past week, we had chance encounters with people who reminded us that hey, everyone has emotions and those who follow theirs, often put their hearts on their sleeves. Waiting for others to stab them down.
I have experienced relationships with non- and (what's the opposite of non?) not-non-believers alike. Some short-term, others more serious.
Asked Johnny how it felt like to stay single for over 10 years already. Since he accepted Christ he never got attached. Are standards set too high? He admitted he was attracted to this non-b girl recently. Asked him why he never started. He said he couldn't imagine what to say to end it. Is he going to stay single his entire life just for the sake of this one thing which was written in the Bible? And am I going to respect those, many many, singles in our church for having done that, despite the fear that they might be left-on-the-shelf? OR do I judge those that have fallen, fallen in love with someone that they were not supposed to?
Heard sob stories from new-bs and old-bs alike how difficult for them this struggle is.
Would I still go to heaven despite being attached to this non-b?
Yes. I believe so. Just that you can't find a godly man to marry you off. Maybe the godly man feels for your situation too, but he has to live up to his title. You can still wear white. You can still invite me to your wedding.
Sometimes Bs have too many hang-ups because of too many beliefs. Make it simple, let your honest answer come from your soul, your heart, your spirit, your mind. If I condone these relationships, what kind of christian leader am I being? Can I be sure that I won't fall - in love - too? After all, falling in love is not dependent on which belief you come from. But it is already written in the Holy Bible, what is - and what isn't. What should be and what should not. Hey, read it for yourselves.
I am attending Johnny's brother's wedding in a few months'. The first few of my classmates to get hitched. While a posh wedding is ideal, what happens after the marriage is - the rest of your lives together. Johnny, I can't say that I'm brave enough to make the same decision when it comes to the crunch. But I do respect you getting your act together, despite the pressure from your peers to find a girl, despite people wondering if you are gay just because you've not been in a romance for some time. Keep going, love awaits.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Precious days to March
Love the Lord your God with ALL your passion, prayer and your intellect.
Love the people around you, the way you love yourself.
It's true that I'm still young, even though at times I feel truly 'world-weary', and imagine for a while, how nice it would be to have no worries about finances, to have already found someone who loves me so much that I'm willing to share a bed with him every night, to want his little kids running about and in secure belief that this is all I've ever wanted.
But no, I'm only 23 - and while I have nice visions of my life being a happy, worry-free and one filled with love all around, I do dread the thoughts of it being not so pleasant.
Haven't told him yet, but I am increasingly having a basic addiction to Warrie. Or rather, our verbal sparrings on the telephone. Wrote a card to him in which I have to say I was more sincere and honest with myself than I ever was. I hope this is the only addiction I'd ever have. It is possible to think a lot about a person you've still barely known, and miss him enough to want to see him, soon.
Meandered with Kie again last night on topics veering towards love and fulfilment. It is an exicitng time in our lives as we anticipate a happy future with lots of dates and seeing people who really like us. Ha! That aside, we wonder, about side issues, premptive measures that we could be doing right now, instead of indecisions later. One side issue which is a biggie for both of us is about whether - we should spend time with our friends of the opposite genders when we're married. Since I'm way more experienced, I shared. Flashback to the time my long-ago ex called my 60-over times while I was out with my female best friend. Flashback to the time where other attached guys were spending way more time sharing with me than they did to their better halves. I guess a good measure would be to introduce him to them, to allay his main concerns of either me being attracted to them or vice versa. Kie's preventive measures was to, also not go out with female friends too often. I felt miffed at that - exactly what Shiner said when we both were 'too close' in his point of view.
So he left, emotionally in a sense, I became detached too, because I was hurt by the fact that his worldview is so so different from mine. It is quite shitty, when the boundaries of friendship and closeness is guarded by an incomprehensible fact that we are not supposed to overlook. Maybe, that is why most of my friendships with guys are short-lived. Perhaps they cannot understand what it means to be a friend without falling into infatuation. I cannot understand, the boundaries which are supposed to be set in place for our very own protection. Then again, if you suppress these emotions and really look at the state of which things are in, and that this is a friendship which you truly cherish, why bother, about all the other 'supposed-tos' and 'No, I'm a leader that's why I have to respect this and that.' If that is the case, why did you rush down to my place after receiving an sms from me that I was despondent? And talked with me for so many days even though you had to study? Is the busyness that is eating you up now something that you are using as a form of escape... do you even remember the kind words and prayers you have said for me as I cried? Do you know how much I cherish it, that without it, I am not reminded of my sense of purpose, my sense of self?
It's two more precious days to March.
What have I achieved in the past months? A lot, yet little. The things I truly want in life have not yet come to pass, although I believe it will, this year.
Love the people around you, the way you love yourself.
It's true that I'm still young, even though at times I feel truly 'world-weary', and imagine for a while, how nice it would be to have no worries about finances, to have already found someone who loves me so much that I'm willing to share a bed with him every night, to want his little kids running about and in secure belief that this is all I've ever wanted.
But no, I'm only 23 - and while I have nice visions of my life being a happy, worry-free and one filled with love all around, I do dread the thoughts of it being not so pleasant.
Haven't told him yet, but I am increasingly having a basic addiction to Warrie. Or rather, our verbal sparrings on the telephone. Wrote a card to him in which I have to say I was more sincere and honest with myself than I ever was. I hope this is the only addiction I'd ever have. It is possible to think a lot about a person you've still barely known, and miss him enough to want to see him, soon.
Meandered with Kie again last night on topics veering towards love and fulfilment. It is an exicitng time in our lives as we anticipate a happy future with lots of dates and seeing people who really like us. Ha! That aside, we wonder, about side issues, premptive measures that we could be doing right now, instead of indecisions later. One side issue which is a biggie for both of us is about whether - we should spend time with our friends of the opposite genders when we're married. Since I'm way more experienced, I shared. Flashback to the time my long-ago ex called my 60-over times while I was out with my female best friend. Flashback to the time where other attached guys were spending way more time sharing with me than they did to their better halves. I guess a good measure would be to introduce him to them, to allay his main concerns of either me being attracted to them or vice versa. Kie's preventive measures was to, also not go out with female friends too often. I felt miffed at that - exactly what Shiner said when we both were 'too close' in his point of view.
So he left, emotionally in a sense, I became detached too, because I was hurt by the fact that his worldview is so so different from mine. It is quite shitty, when the boundaries of friendship and closeness is guarded by an incomprehensible fact that we are not supposed to overlook. Maybe, that is why most of my friendships with guys are short-lived. Perhaps they cannot understand what it means to be a friend without falling into infatuation. I cannot understand, the boundaries which are supposed to be set in place for our very own protection. Then again, if you suppress these emotions and really look at the state of which things are in, and that this is a friendship which you truly cherish, why bother, about all the other 'supposed-tos' and 'No, I'm a leader that's why I have to respect this and that.' If that is the case, why did you rush down to my place after receiving an sms from me that I was despondent? And talked with me for so many days even though you had to study? Is the busyness that is eating you up now something that you are using as a form of escape... do you even remember the kind words and prayers you have said for me as I cried? Do you know how much I cherish it, that without it, I am not reminded of my sense of purpose, my sense of self?
It's two more precious days to March.
What have I achieved in the past months? A lot, yet little. The things I truly want in life have not yet come to pass, although I believe it will, this year.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Dissipate the dark cloud
Because I see a tinge of sadness in your eyes; which mirrors mine.
Smile at the people who need it, not the ones who are happy already? But then, maybe the ones who needs happiness are the ones who cherish it more. Realised that Manager's Manager's Manager has such kindly, wrinkly eyes - He appears to be really ''up there'' and respected and liked by all, but perhaps only I can see his melancholic, dark side. It causes me to wonder, what deep hurts he carries in the fleeting, sad look in his eyes.
Felt like a dark cloud was hanging over me yesterday - happily though, I received unexpected encouragements. Manager sensed I was perturbed and got me to drink. Drink kopi la. I have to admit it gave a temporal high after. Had a nice pep talk from Cutebert too - he seems to admire my resilience - and asked me for a demo in talking to people on the street. He says that his fear level is up there, whilst mine is low-low. Cutebert, now a manager, knows his stuff. A guy who admits his fear is one who has more strength than he knows. I did tell him that he could do it! We both needed affirmation perhaps.
And earlier, Blondie spoke to me. He's new. I made him hungry...hahaha by eating a delicious bread that was in my inhouse cafeteria...I will always remember that he asked me it was called...And I said...'bread'...And he thought I was making fun of him. He's nice. I think I am pretty good by now, at sizing people up, before even knowing them! Blondie introduced himself before he entered the gents'. And said goodnight, too, as I was leaving. He will be another one of the friends I have at The Office. Those that remember my name, those that I would like to spend more time with, talking to them.
It's amazing the tumult of emotions that run you through, the course of just one day. I never liked people who gave too much of themselves to their feelings, however, perhaps I should give more thought to mine. How nice it would be if I could just speak and live with real emotion!
Smile at the people who need it, not the ones who are happy already? But then, maybe the ones who needs happiness are the ones who cherish it more. Realised that Manager's Manager's Manager has such kindly, wrinkly eyes - He appears to be really ''up there'' and respected and liked by all, but perhaps only I can see his melancholic, dark side. It causes me to wonder, what deep hurts he carries in the fleeting, sad look in his eyes.
Felt like a dark cloud was hanging over me yesterday - happily though, I received unexpected encouragements. Manager sensed I was perturbed and got me to drink. Drink kopi la. I have to admit it gave a temporal high after. Had a nice pep talk from Cutebert too - he seems to admire my resilience - and asked me for a demo in talking to people on the street. He says that his fear level is up there, whilst mine is low-low. Cutebert, now a manager, knows his stuff. A guy who admits his fear is one who has more strength than he knows. I did tell him that he could do it! We both needed affirmation perhaps.
And earlier, Blondie spoke to me. He's new. I made him hungry...hahaha by eating a delicious bread that was in my inhouse cafeteria...I will always remember that he asked me it was called...And I said...'bread'...And he thought I was making fun of him. He's nice. I think I am pretty good by now, at sizing people up, before even knowing them! Blondie introduced himself before he entered the gents'. And said goodnight, too, as I was leaving. He will be another one of the friends I have at The Office. Those that remember my name, those that I would like to spend more time with, talking to them.
It's amazing the tumult of emotions that run you through, the course of just one day. I never liked people who gave too much of themselves to their feelings, however, perhaps I should give more thought to mine. How nice it would be if I could just speak and live with real emotion!
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Over green tea frappe
Love and Acceptance - Must they be together all the time?
Met Sugar's friend' JiT yesterday. Spent time soaking in the sun which perked me up a little. He describes himself as a pain-in-the-ass kind of person, but on the whole - his ''no qualms'' nature and rough, straightforward way is actually so much better than the ones I've met who look decent but who knows what's beneath the waters... =) Yes. And it's honestly amazing how much two strangers can share over coffee/green tea frappe - plus points for his nonchalantly standing up and getting my drink. So initiative! On my side, I did not share much, but rather prompted him to share what he felt - obviously he was peeved about things which happened, which he wrote on his blog. It's refreshing to meet a guy who is so in touch with his feelings. Who has that act-tough demeanour but is a softie inside. Who claims he is going to be a buddhist his entire life, not because he believes in it, rather, it's for his family, he believes that the eldest son should go with tradition. And for his sincerity, who can fault him for that?
Just came from Leader's DEW - Counseling session with Pastor Pippi. Apparently I'm in self-denial about my feelings - that I make quick decisions that are right, with my mind, often neglecting my feelings. Well, that is true. All the same, I thought that I was really "open" with my feelings, more so than others. At least, I say what I feel, and I admit those evil thoughts lurking in my mind. I have lots of areas to mature in, as a person, I do hope that I will be able to help myself unite the feelings that I have. Pastor Pippi said I have an ungodly soul tie with Grass. Hmmm. I was shocked when she said that, will wait for the next session to hear her say more. In this area, I believe I'm doing what is rightful -however, my emotions/heart cannot reconcile with my mind. Not that I absolutely do not believe in what I'm doing, or do just because I'm a leader and I have to do it. It's just that a part of me feels sad and guilty, feelings which I have not come to accept in myself...yet. That is why I am in such a confusion everytime he wants to meet me or talk to me. Spending more time with him will bring me to a quandary about certain things I don't want to make a decision about. That said, I also do not want to play with fire, no matter how I feel deep inside, it's a definite no-no. Next week, I will learn more about what causes all my issues. I do know, actually... I just don't know what to do in specific situations.
Lots of tension this week, I'm undoubtedly worried about certain things - on the whole though, it's still manageable. Really hope for breakthrough. =)
Met Sugar's friend' JiT yesterday. Spent time soaking in the sun which perked me up a little. He describes himself as a pain-in-the-ass kind of person, but on the whole - his ''no qualms'' nature and rough, straightforward way is actually so much better than the ones I've met who look decent but who knows what's beneath the waters... =) Yes. And it's honestly amazing how much two strangers can share over coffee/green tea frappe - plus points for his nonchalantly standing up and getting my drink. So initiative! On my side, I did not share much, but rather prompted him to share what he felt - obviously he was peeved about things which happened, which he wrote on his blog. It's refreshing to meet a guy who is so in touch with his feelings. Who has that act-tough demeanour but is a softie inside. Who claims he is going to be a buddhist his entire life, not because he believes in it, rather, it's for his family, he believes that the eldest son should go with tradition. And for his sincerity, who can fault him for that?
Just came from Leader's DEW - Counseling session with Pastor Pippi. Apparently I'm in self-denial about my feelings - that I make quick decisions that are right, with my mind, often neglecting my feelings. Well, that is true. All the same, I thought that I was really "open" with my feelings, more so than others. At least, I say what I feel, and I admit those evil thoughts lurking in my mind. I have lots of areas to mature in, as a person, I do hope that I will be able to help myself unite the feelings that I have. Pastor Pippi said I have an ungodly soul tie with Grass. Hmmm. I was shocked when she said that, will wait for the next session to hear her say more. In this area, I believe I'm doing what is rightful -however, my emotions/heart cannot reconcile with my mind. Not that I absolutely do not believe in what I'm doing, or do just because I'm a leader and I have to do it. It's just that a part of me feels sad and guilty, feelings which I have not come to accept in myself...yet. That is why I am in such a confusion everytime he wants to meet me or talk to me. Spending more time with him will bring me to a quandary about certain things I don't want to make a decision about. That said, I also do not want to play with fire, no matter how I feel deep inside, it's a definite no-no. Next week, I will learn more about what causes all my issues. I do know, actually... I just don't know what to do in specific situations.
Lots of tension this week, I'm undoubtedly worried about certain things - on the whole though, it's still manageable. Really hope for breakthrough. =)
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