Making dating work

Some musings after finally finishing up reading 'Boundaries in Dating' (Four popcorn rating from Spiritedly.)

For someone who serves God in a capacity that will most likely scare away lesser guys, I date - quite a lot. Not to be proud of it or anything, but put it this way: If you are a girly girl and the number of guys you know is zero, then you are not likely going to be on many dates. But if you are the opposite of a ladies' man (what is that, a mens' lady???) and your guy acquaintances number in the hundreds, including all the clients and people you meet, then, well, the dating scene is quite, interesting. I do have certain ideals I'd like met in a guy, and I'm saying this very objectively - I think I'm at the age where I don't want to date 'just for fun' or 'just to know what I want in a guy'. I think I do know, and God-willing, the next one will be the finale. The tiramisu after the pasta. The cherry on the ice-cream. The... well, you get the picture.

The book has brought me back to the past where at this juncture I can now fully appreciate how miserable I was because perhaps, I did not set the right boundaries, or having made mistakes in the past, I was perhaps doomed to repeat them. A horrid curse on my dating life? During dating Xerxes last year I realised somewhere along the line that I would never be able to...live with him. (In fact, I'm not sure too if anyone would be able to live with messy old me) Each time we(he) talked about a long life together I would shudder in fear. And dreaded the 'after-this' talks. Anyhow...I realised what was the missing ingredient, besides obviously having not enough affection for him to go the long run. Here's a few, excerpted from the book (The terms are the book's; the examples are mine and I guess we can all identify with them):

1. Dominating: The Dater won't hear NO from The Date. When Date disagrees, Dater intimidates, threatens or rages.

For example, Dater keeps making Date go to a place of his convenience for lunch/weekend/etc, and always do what he likes...without caring if she likes them too, or PREFERS doing something else with her time. Just because Date seems to have more free time, Date has to do all the traveling around.

2. Withdrawal: One person pulls away when the other exercises some freedom or difference. He may isolate, sulk, or be silent. But he is passively punishing his date for her differentness.

I am guilty of this. =( I am aware of it and am working on it. Not only on dates, but when I get too provoked, too challenged, etc...I will just "log off" - distant myself from God, from that friend, from that situation. I thought that I was just being non-confrontational, but I am really hiding away from the situation. I guess I am not ready to be emotionally challenged, so I just withdraw and over the years it has become a sort of reflex for me. Snowman is helping me with this!

3. Manipulating: One person shows disrespect by subtle strategems designed to make the other person change his mind.

I think all of us are guilty of this at any one point, but we must be aware and change our manipulative actions - it actually points to being selfish and not loving the other person, which is a deeper issue. In the later part of my relationship, I think I behaved like that in certain ways as well.

4. Direct violation: The person disrespects by continuing the same hurtful action, even after being asked not to. He keeps doing it.

Once, after a really minor disagreement, to my utmost amazement and surprise, instead of comforting me, Xerxes just hopped onto his bike and zoomed home - to sleep. Obviously this is only done by the ones who deserve death. (But I am oh so tolerant, or maybe just stupid.) And he did it again. And again. This led to me feeling rejected and self-destructive (attention seeking behavior.) The weird part about it if I can remember clearly is that he never apologized in person for his actions, only smsing an apology the next day. Come on, girls all know that it screams insincerity.

5. Minimizing: Dater says The Date's negative feelings are simply an overreaction.

Was told that so many times, in fact almost each time I brought up something, that I was really psyched to believe that 'it was my fault' and 'I was over reacting' 'I behaved like a feeler' 'I was too emotional'.

6. Blaming: When The Dater talks about the problem, The Date indicates that he himself caused the problem.

For example a man will tell his girlfriend that it hurts when she makes fun of him in public. She might respond with, "If you would pay more attention to me, I wouldn't have to resort to that."

Well, this is not a problem for me. =) One out of 7... boundaries need to be guarded well...

7. Rationalising: The other person denies responsibility for whatever caused the problem.

Like if one party is always late, he excuses himself by saying, it was the traffic, etc... chronically. (traffic is always the same, what...)

More thoughts on boundaries later. I am learning so much, it seems that every chapter in my Life brings new things and there is never enough to learn. The last book my Mom bought for me? "The Marriage Covenant." *puke* Maybe I will lend it to Travis since he attended the 'childrens programme' in our Church's life conference haha! But this book is superb...and it's a subtle hint my parents want me to move out soon.