I needed a hug...

I'm facing a bit of a pessimistic ending to the romance of last year. Mystery Guy seems to be wavering, and as it is, I know I'll miss the way I can be truthful about what I'm feeling to him, miss the way we neurotically enjoy some types of food, the essence of 'us', that seems but an impossible dream.

As always, I urged him to only remember the happy moments.
It was a rainy day, a long day we spent together, from visiting some rentals, to enjoying an exhibition, a little adventure on the luge, and ending with me falling ill with nauseated throwing up. =(

The happiest part of that day was, for me, when, after lunch, we had to traverse the road from the foodcourt to the exhibition...and as it was drizzling, he suddenly whipped out his newspaper and folded a paper hat for me, so that I wouldn't get wet.
I folded one for him too.
And we both wore our paper hats to the MRT toilet and all (knowing there's about 40 cameras watching our every move)... of course, lots of people looked, but we didn't care, we were in our imaginary world, where everyone wore paper hats to protect ourselves from the rain.

I was trying to remember, from Thursday, the best part of my day. I was very sad our happy times had to end when reality bites.

At this time, I was reading John Eldredge/Stasi Eldredge 'Wild at Heart / Captivating', J had lent it to me a month back. I was reading the part where John asked God for a whale (he wanted to see it at the sea) and he saw one, and Stasi asked God for something to show that He loved her, too. And God gave her a small starfish and more. I went, 'wow'... in these sad moments, the thing I wanted most was a hug from God.

So I just said a silent prayer that I wanted to feel a hug from God.

And for the next few days, I received things beyond my imagination... that only God knows I would appreciate! I really did not expect that each day, there would be something to look forward to... and I am overwhelmed.

God knows I love coffee... and there was a barista I knew from a long time ago who was the caterer for an event I attended on Friday. It was lovely of him, and unexpected, that he personally did this coffee for me, as his treat! He was the main key person for this event but he took time off to do it for me. Plus it was perfect - hazelnut + vanilla, not too sweet, milky and strong... =)

I had visited this shopkeeper uncle's shop for many years but never bought anything, it is some sort of retro display and for collectors to buy jukeboxes, old fridges, etc. When he saw me, we had a good chat, and suddenly he excitedly told me he wanted to give me something, he took a bunch of glass animals out... wanted to represent my birthyear, but there wasn't any dog, so he just chose something and pressed it into my hand. It was this tiny glass owl! God really knows why I need an owl =) I was so touched! Of course it is probably inexpensive, etc... but... wow.

Sunday, I had half an hour to wait at ECP, so I just chose a spot near the central beach area, alone, with a myriad of thoughts. As I was getting up to leave I realized that while I was there a super tiny baby coconut had dropped directly in front of me. It was unbelievably cute! It brought a smile on my face... and I'm sure it did to many others on my facebook where I posted it =).

Today, I had spent a long day out touring the city, and there was nothing remotely resembling a hug from God. Ah, I thought, maybe not everyday. In fact, I was aching so much to contact Mystery Guy to tell him random stuff.

I found this postcard for me! Sent by a random japanese... My heart skipped a beat when I saw it. I have received over 80 postcards, but never ever a lop rabbit one! And God knows I hold this rabbit close to my heart. Plus, there was an encouragement written behind...'gan ba rou nippon', telling me not to give up (actually, the true meaning is telling the japanese tsunami victims not to give up)... and if they, who have been through so much suffering, did not give up, how could I?

=)

This story continues... ...

penguin love

I shall not liken my life to a Taiwanese drama although, recently, it does seem that way! Gosh! But sometimes life imitates art more than the other way round, and such are the life stories that inspire all of us to somehow stay strong through the best and worst of times.

Caught up with some friends and over a lazy Sunday brunch, we enquired about our mutual friends and how they were faring. Our thoughts were with a couple whom we all knew. All of us believed that they were the ‘type’ that would settle down fast, having attended marriage preparation classes, and looking stable and secure in their relationship. So we were concerned when it seemed that things were not rosy. After all, in previous years past, they had broken up for a year’s duration and then reconciled again. During that year, I saw that there were a few girls who were attracted to him. He could have easily gone out and started something with any one of them. But he kept them at arm’s length and waited.

This guy is so patient, my friend remarked. And it was as if everything was illuminated there and then. So many times, we have speculated, wondered, questioned this guy. Why is he hanging on when there could be someone out there who would make him very happy? Why does the romantic prognosis seem so bleak?

So many times, I forget. That Love is patient. Out of the million and one things I can say about love, about relationships, about each other, about our feelings, and thoughts, and daydreams… we forget sometimes, that we need to wait, or learn how to wait.

After a year of not being together before reconciliation, we thought that their issues had been settled. Apparently the lady wanted the guy to take the lead, in many ways; however, his personality is more of the laid-back type and he was not able to change himself for her sake, as hard as he tried.

I thought to myself, if I loved the guy, I wouldn’t want him to change. Isn’t that a farcical love? If I love you, I would tell you, to be yourself. To stay the same. I would love you the way you are. As idealistic as it sounds. Because it was you I fell in love with, was happy with, cherished moments with.

Isn’t his love for her like the penguin, who waits for his mate to come back from the frozen lands, waiting, watching, hoping…

The penguin can wait, for a hundred days, for his mate. He waits for a hundred days without eating. Starving. Love is patient. He waits, for her return.

The girl penguin knows the guy penguin loves her by his gift of pebbles. The nests are built by pebbles. And when the guy penguin gives the girl pebbles, she knows he is serious about her.

When a penguin finds its mate, they stay together forever.

Love is patient indeed.

choose wisely

The topics of adults most often veer towards love, especially those who are hoping and seeking. Then, what else can we talk about, right?
But it seems that everyone has been offering me (unsolicited) advice also, almost to the effect that I feel that everyone is inundated with thoughts of love, love, love. Is that all we can think about and all we can speak about? Perhaps that's why the tabloid reports of new/scandalous romances always sell so well.

"Have I ever considered X.... (friend of mine who happened to be hovering nearby)"
"Any updates? *winkss (when said friend is standing next to me)"

It seems a miracle to me that we can remain good friends when we have such friends to 'help' us.
Of course I'm sure they meant well and who asked him to be single for so long...

I do wish that all the questions would stop, though. I mean, I feel it is rather insensitive to both me and said hapless male friend who happened to be by my side/accompany me for dining events.

It would be callous of me to start anything at this point of time. Would people prefer then that I am still sobbing alone? It seems to be a crime to be happy, but I do need to have some cheer after the gloom and doom of yesteryear.


Not only should the looming question be, 'have I recovered from the past love event...'; instead of 'is there any guy I'm interested in'... I do wish people would focus on the fact that there are good friends who are helping me through this instead of doubting their/our intentions.

Of course, mostly everyone wants to settle down one day, but it seems that most singles have close-fisted mindsets. In a nutshell, not everyone is open to consider several possibilities to mingle or even to know more random people of the opposite gender. To each his own, I say. If we do not wish to choose to mingle, then we should not condone those who went offshore fishing in search of his true love. For those who only have same friends of the same gender, they should not condone us who are 'ladies' man; or me, the opposite of ladies' man... For we just happen to be successful and awesome in making friendships with the opposite gender, not that we purposely choose to do so or do so for selfish reasons. It just IS.

I know they (all the single ladies, all the single ladies) just-don't-get-it but if you seriously think about it, if I choose to unwisely have romantic notions about my male pals, then, through the years, I would be left with very few friends, wouldn't I?

In fact, I have many female friends too, just that they like to keep a low profile in our friendship, hee hee...am so touched that they will call me and ask me out to cheer me up as well...

For the record, the only thing that is happening is happening in unwise romantic notions in other womens' minds. I have been kept sane by the writings of Elisabeth Elliot and other spiritual writers and I suggest they do the same while waiting for their prince charming. Life doesn't need to be all about love. Sometimes we need to focus on growing and learning and being a better self. I read somewhere, 'don't be a woman who needs a man. be a woman a man needs.' It stuck with me for a long time.

Likewise, I gave my male friend this advice: Don't choose someone you can live with, choose someone you can't live without.

And I think my single-lady godly friend gave me the best advice of all. She told me, he will come when it's time. It's that simple. It just IS.

maybe falling in love is all in the nose

Me and my girl-friends are having interesting conversations lately, sparked by the romantic interest of Mr Nice-Guy. I'm humbly surprised to know that they have drawn the same conclusions as me for certain 'moves' guys make or certain responses from the ladies. It's always fun to have a tete-a-tete about romance.

I think most ladies here are turned off by the same things: not godly (Oh God please send me a man of God being a commonly heard lament), being stingy, smelling bad, shorter than them, boring woodblock, lack of dress sense (By that I mean wearing faded home-clothes or pjs out in public, and not the usual garb of slipper+berm+polo), being too aggressive, or else lacking initiative, or too geeky, pushy and desperate vibes. Yes, vibes play a part of the intangible non-allure.

Also, some responses vary from the chap, if the chap hails from sg, malaysia, indonesia or further. In fact, malaysians (in general) seem to be more fun-loving (adventourous), but we cannot negate the effect of a humid singaporean airconless day on a fair maiden's visage, thus, though the option of dinner-and-a-movie-on-friday-evening seems trite, that is one of the more appealing options here... (plus there is little else we can do in that tight time frame, aye?) It seems that often our regional counterparts also love to foot the bill, a captivating trend that local chaps should indeed follow.

Anyway, one of my girlfriend and I have come to the conclusion that in the end.... it all depends on... the way he smells, to you. We admitted that certain guys should not take it so hard that they're in the 'friend-zone', just because, we cannot really envision ourselves spending 50 years with that kind of scent. "We must like the way he smells!", we proclaimed in unison.

So sniff him hard. (Or let her sniff you.)

As to the other question, 'how to make love stay?', I too, have no answers. We are all making our way there in due course, and some of us are ahead in that course of life.

Some interesting reads on the topic: 'Escaping the Friend Zone' http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_400/455_relationship_expert.html

'Choosing a long-term mate? Give them a good sniff!' http://www.mens-wellbeing.com/2009/09/choosing-a-long-term-mate-give-them-a-good-sniff.html

happy memories of today

The long weekend's almost over (longer for me, took a day off today) and I am half-sad to see it pass. But well, looking forward to the next weekend, it doesn't seem that far off away, yay yay yay. I had the best weekend ever. (Read on if you wanna know how I spent it.)

On Friday, me and The Boyfriend went to pick up Mushroom, a male Holland Lop. He has a friendly temperament and now I am trying my best to toilet-train him - quite exhausting because I have used up one and a half toilet roll of paper trying to mop up poop and pee. The Boyfriend will be the one training our little doggy next time because I realize I am quite impatient. But still, Mushroom is a friendly and lovable not-so-little wabbit. We then went to our now-usual haunt, Chompz... and chomped down on chicken wings, stingray, etc. And then home early, because next day it's a daytrip to JB!!!

Off to JB daytrip on late morning of Saturday... The Boyfriend's Mom joined us. She introduced us to 'Ah Koong's' fishball soup which was really tasty, we were both amazed at the nice soup. I introduced them to Secret Recipe cakes at more than half price off (RM 6.30 per slice, le) which they savored, the choco-banana and the passionfruit-mango which was a light, refreshing and oomph inducing flavor - I also brought home some cheesecake slices - espresso flavor and caramel flavor are the best, I've tried them all!!! While in Tebrau City, I also had a manicure and pedicure (RM 80 total) done while the two did grocery shopping. We ended up with Old Town's light meal of a shared nasi rendang and my fave white frappucino... and The Boyfriend's Mom drank her 3rd kopi-o. Must try since I'm here, she said. I also introduced The Boyfriend to some Portuguese chicken wings at a eatery which also sells the Macau egg tarts. It's also found at City Square beside the Malay food stall with fishhead curry and green table and chairs. He loved the chicken wings sooooo much he took back half a dozen to Sg.

We came back early because we had to attend a wedding, it was his classmate's wedding and the first time I attended a Malay style wedding - I had expected it to be stuffy-ish, but it was quite refreshing! I guess probably because they were the same age as us - they had decorated the place with orange and white cloth, and chandeliers gave it a modern feel. It was quite a different, and fun experience for me to see The Boyfriend interact with his old schoolfriends, and I was more than content to sit and smile.

Then, we went to walk around Singapore Flyer. Being one of the most un-crowded tourist destinations in the city area, it was just the place for us to take a languid walk. We had one of our first 'official' dates there too, sitting beside the water front overlooking the city skyline. It's now barricaded up in anticipation of the F1 next month. So we walked along the perimeter, and while on the wooden platform, I felt inspired to do a little tap-dance, and we proceeded to do a slow dance without anyone watching. It was a nice way to end the day.

On Sunday we headed to a flea mart at the Art museum. It was national day and free entry to the museum, so what's a better way to spend the afternoon soaking in the fringe festivities - real tight live band and free face painting... ... I went home to rest a bit as I was falling sick and he went to dinner with relatives, then we both met again at night to do some exercise at my park downstairs. We shall do it again this friday! Monday I was basically down for almost the whole day with a sore throat-cum cough and sniffles. I hate being sick, but I recovered enough to go Ice3 for a chill-out seesion and played our boardgame, reversi. I'm still slightly sniffly, sighhhhh.

Today we had the photoshoot. yay! I was really looking forward to it, we both are fans of BryanJean's work, a young and talented couple who are primarily wedding photographers. We were just taking casual shots, and we even shot at Ion, and a lovely place which location's I'm not supposed to reveal. It has my favorite black-and-white walk-up apartments though. We also had a bunch of silver foil balloons with us which added to the happy, lovey, cheery feel. I can't wait to see how the shots turn out. I'm designing a book for it to keep our lovely memories in. I'm glad The Boyfriend appreciates this as much as me, it's nice to keep these memories, hopefully we can do it every year. It's really fun to be models for a day, and B. had so much fun too trying out video-ing us. For a first-timer, I'd say he's pretty amazing and wayyyy to go.

We watched 'up' in 3d after that, it was a fun show, something which tugged a chord in our hearts. I, for one, would not just let my dreams of adventure fade away in normal life. If money's the only stopping that, then, it shouldn't be the case. Actually with flight deals so low now, I'm really aiming to go someplace every year. And we all should, have some adventure every weekend, it makes me feel so alive.

the men still don't get it.

One of the few lady friends I have remarked to me after the previous post,

'Yes, totally AGREE that we, women always prefer to have BETTER choices.

Well, who doesn't like to have a choice in life? Especially our soulmate.' 

I'm still amazed and terribly happy that I'm able to find a real man who loves me, in Mr A. I always wonder, as a thinker thinks to herself, how can it be possible that two people can find each other and love each other. What are the odds? Some time back, I was acquainted with a nice couple around my age. The girl was gushing to me on how lucky she was she found her Mr Right, and was hopeful of a future together. On the same day, I happened to take the bus back with said Mr Right, as we lived in the same district. Surprisingly, as if he knew what Ms Right had said to me earlier, he mentioned that, his girlfriend seemed to think the world of him and all... ... he is her soulmate, her lifelong dream. But for him, he said that, although he loves her, she is not his soulmate. She is not THE ONE for him. His blunt honestly shocked me to bits and I remembered that for years. I do wonder sometimes, what has happened to him? Has he found his gal?

Meanwhile, the girl has broken up with him, moved out of Singapore, and is now dating a Korean guy so I hope that she has found happiness. Mr A. doesn't really understand about the part where women always prefer better choices. Perhaps in our parent's generation, the network of guys you could pick from was few. And so, you either settled for the one who loved you more and seemed to have a decent character, or you waited until you had to be matchmaked by nosy relatives. But now, having been exposed to different men, not only locally but to 'laowai', to romanticised Korean men, to boyish Taiwanese men... ... we get a little more picky. Just as there are so many options as to what we can apply as makeup on our faces - See, there's foundation, or powdered foundation, or tinted moisturizer, or mineral, or organic, or animal-friendly, or rich in gemstones... ... how to choose? So many options, in our minds. Our lives, and destiny, can totally change if say, we happen to fall in love with a rich (has to be rich) Indonesian Chinese we met in college, and now, living in Jkt, putting on 10 kg because of sedentary lifestyle and tai-tai-ing the days away, having 5 maids to manage and wads of rupiah. 

So now, if you know your guy has a lazy bone, is slacker in nature, been with you for a long time but seems reluctant to propose or to start thinking about the future, a 5-year plan. If your guy just CMI. 

Cannot make it. You can't stand his porkbelly now. You can't stand his lack of personal hygiene. You can't stand his nagging about your lack of CPF in-order to get married and have a HDB and you know you will divorce him if you ever marry him. IF he stands you up during friday night dates, saying he is tired but only said so after you call him after 6pm asking where should we go. CMI!!!

If you can't stand his attitude towards your needs, or he seems to have roving eyes, saying your friends are HOT (but never said that about you.) If you see that he has done it before (been unfaithful)... even though he wants to change, you trust and believe so but the odds are, you have to know, that he will do it again and what will you do then? When he repeats the history which always repeats itself, and time and evidence has always proven so.

Will you leave him, or continue loving him 'till death does us part'? 

We women are not STUPID. All these incidents are true, they have been related to me by women around myself. 

Some wise up and choose a better future for themselves, perhaps the younger ones. The younger ones have less to lose. They are also more willing to 'let go and let God.'

Some choose to stay. And become a totally naggy person. I always wonder why, too. Why they choose to stay. Maybe they think that is the best life has to offer them. 

But if they choose to stay they should also accept his shortcomings because they have accepted that in the past.

Mr A. wanted to know if in future I meet some other guy who has 'all that and more', would I leave this true love, for the other guy? He seemed sulky after I explained about the 'better choices'.

The men really don't get it ah...

Anyways, I have made my choice already! If a woman is not serious about you, she will never agree to certain things... like a 5-year plan with you!!!

Silly Mr A.

the men never get it.

Why women seem to be more materialistic than men; IE 'I want my husband/boyfriend to be able to buy me an Audi next time'; 'He must earn more than me, I can't accept less'... ... It's not about the money. 

When women want a guy who has more or better educational status than them, it's not about the braggability, nor the oft-quoted tome about 'Smart women like smart men.' We actually like our guys to be a little more simple, a little more dense because Smarty-pants is never charming. Prince Edward of 'Enchanted' is a doofus, but adorable because he is so in love with Gisele, and he sings to her, too. 

In our grandparents' generation, the women always stayed at home, unless the man passed away early, then the oft-uneducated woman would have to take on jobs like food court cleaner, laundromat helper, to support her young children. But seemingly in a hand-to-mouth existence, they could still afford a HDB and new clothes every month.

In our parent's generation, the women had a choice to stay at home, and take care of the kids, or work. Work being mainly 'office clerks', 'typists', receptionists, for those with O'levels and service industries for those without. Most mothers stayed at home if the family could afford it. Mine did, preferring the home life to a office environment. 6 people subsisted on one income but the fridge was always full, we had 2 modes of transport (Fiat-minivan or motorbike), and we owned a HDB flat.

Women look up to guys who seem smart, because they have a better opportunity to excel in their chosen field of work = better chances of getting promoted or recognized or headhunted and thus, having a better income. But it's not about the income. It's about having the choice. Choosing between staying at home or going to work. If my family was rich, and could afford to supply me with say, $2K/month for the rest of my life, I would be very happy working as a part time waitress, serving coffee and tea, and spending the rest of my days having long walks, writing stories, reading and making art. 

Most guys nowadays think that women, their other half, should go out and work. In fact, many of my peers, gentlemen, seemed curious as to why I had mentioned (to them before), that women, they don't need you men to be rich or provide luxuries for them. BUT... when we are in the parenthood phase(which will last for about 20 years for some of us), we always prefer to have a CHOICE. To be able to choose between working, or wanting to stay at home to look after the kids. 

To be able to choose.

And because women are always smart enough to look for better options for her own life, like finding the perfect mascara, or the perfect little black dress. we hope that in this lifetime, we can find a man who's all that and more. Sure, we don't discriminate against men who are lowly educated. But we always prefer having a better choice.

And the men don't get it why women like flowers. As children, boys and girls, we always want to pick wildflowers to give to our Mommy. 'Hey Mommy! This flower is picked for you.' In a sense, we are giving it out of love even though Mommy may not want that flower picked. But she accepts it because she knows the child's intention. And women accept flowers from men in the same way. Flowers makes us feel special - just note the admiring glances if you carry a big bouquet of flowers in the MRT, whether you are male or female you are sure to get a lot of attention. Flowers make us feel loved, and pretty, they spell out that we are lovely, like a flower. Tee hee, a flower for me? Awwwww. How sweet, we say.

Even those women who purportedly say they do not like flowers or are 'not a flower person', always seem to melt when they are presented with sincere flowers from the heart. But men being men, they take these women's words as what-it-is, and never give them flowers. Gah.

 

places to go, things to do

I think one thing good about the state of the economy is that it has helped me to try to save, psychologically.

Thinking of ways and means to save on your usual purchases is not easy; seeing this retail environ we live in, and … sometimes it’s more worth it to buy the more expensive stuff. All nods in agreement. Regretting after buying a cheap and no-good piece of clothing/makeup/whatever, it’s not worth the frustration. But I try to note down things, like GainCity has a discount on digital cameras, saving some dough… and other places some things can buy it cheaper, too.

I buy most of my books second-hand, a wise decision because I can read 2 books in a week. I still like going to The Bookshops in Raffles City, Wheelock; and Vivocity, but now, I plan for my book purchases, and buy them at Bras Basah. Kind Indian man already recognizes me, always having the same question. ‘Any Nicholas Sparks’ books?’ Once I like one author I have to read most of his books. So I’ve read most of Jostein Gaarder’s, Agatha Christie’s, Nicholas Sparks’. Got a Paulo Coelho book and it was my first, a pleasant read.

Stumbled upon this shop, ‘Cat Socrates’, near the 2^nd hand bookstore, it sells everything I like. Tin Robots. Notebooks of brown paper and vintage prints. Lomo prints in small, small pieces – I bought to paste on my Office wall.

http://home.catsocrates.com.sg/

We bought a notebook (his idea!) and wanted to write down all our little memories. Listed down places we wanted to go – so many nice places to go, and eat at, and just relax at… the night-places we can go to, it’s hard-pressed to find a decent location at night to just cosy up and talk.

There are the too-dark and isolated places like parks which does not bode well for having a quality conversation, plus I have a dread fear of mossies since I had dengue before, (Really. We always bring tealight candles when we go to the beach at night. People think it’s for the romance feel but actually to chase away mossies, and ants too we discovered, and it works 100%.)

So on a dating session last Saturday night, we found ourselves at T3, Changi Airport. On the signboard at the lift area the shops at B1, B2, B3 etc were listed. Mr A. thought that the ‘24H’ notation at the back of the restaurant’s name meant the area it was located, and puzzledly said, ‘Eh, where’s area 24H’? I was hysterical.

The book Pastor recommended ‘5 love languages’ is really beneficial to us in this stage of our relationship. I had quite a hard time determining which is mine, I guess I feel loved so much that I don’t really know what is lacking or what I would like more? But it turns out that an obvious one for me would be quality time. (Him, even without reading he insists it is ‘touch’.) It’s really fun to find out the different dialects we will have in our love language. As a ‘thinker’, I enjoy a quality conversation, talking about things that are conjecturally interesting, talking analytically about people and people’s relationships and what we would do in that situation.

He likes simple massages… and I happen to be able to give massages really well! I think for couples who don’t speak each other’s love languages fluently, it may pose some difficulties. I actually know of guys who don’t like to be touched… but I’m sure every couples likes to spend time together, right… We keep up a daily conversation through email, so it’s nice to have a message pop up, sometimes about funny stuff, about how lunch was, about how was our work like, the interesting places I filmed, the things he did, like singing ‘beat it’ last Friday to the ire of his colleagues.

And so each day passes, happily.

Men.

Some observations about men.

Men. We love them, hate them, try to understand them, try to make them understand us.

The men in my life have always had an enduring fascination with women. ‘What do you girls talk about?’ And why do we like to ‘go shopping’ so much? I guess these are some of the questions on their mind. And perhaps being the only answer key to the multitude of questions left unsolved and unanswered, they probed, albeit on the surface, about a women’s mystery.

Women talk about the same things as men. We talk about men, the same way men, invariably talk about women, though in a different context.

We talk about our fears, and desires, and being woman – and born with what you men call,  ‘a woman’s intuition’, we sense more than what is being said. Our girlfriends may talk about how much she fancies a chap we all know, but somehow, perhaps in a glimpse, a moment when she looks away momentarily, with a bewildered and disheartening look; we manage to catch the look that means, yes, I do like him immensely, but I also know that we are not meant to be. And we do. Not. Ask. But offer the friendship, and the listening ear when the time comes when she must move on.

And in all my conversations with the men in my life, I’m truly bewildered at how men fear women. We are the weaker sex, easily overpowered by men, with a far wider range of things to worry about, then them. We have health and hormonal issues, women get headaches twice the frequency (and intensity, I believe!)more so then the male gender, we have to worry about our skin, our hair, our body, more so than men, because whether we like it or not, we are more often, judged by our appearances than what is inside. So being already judged for being superficial, we also judge those around us who seem less put-together. And we are hormonally conditioned to like men who seem to be able to have the right criteria (Criteria depends from woman to woman) to be able to take care of us.

Men are clueless when it comes to the ways of women. So they are scared when they make women cry, or make them angry. They don’t know what to do. Keep asking’ Are you alright’ doesn’t help one single bit. Nor does avoiding the situation entirely. But men do not know the variables when a women cries. It could be that she is regretting being with him, and thinking of and not being able to forget her first love. And having these wretched feelings, she cries, or is angry, with herself and the world. But you won’t know that, because these are things that will remain unspoken of. It could be a stressful and hormonal period of time in her life/that month, and even speaking of it, explaining it to him, he wouldn’t be able to understand, and perhaps it would be better if he remained clueless. It could be that simply, women cry easily. Because after that, we feel much better than keeping it all in, like men.  

Men fear that they become unattractive (Or never were attractive!!!) to women. Even though they stick to their boring old polo tees(for years, as if there were an ongoing competition!), you can hear them muttering to themselves about their burgeoning belly, even though they don’t seem to want to eat less or exercise more. And even pat each others’ bellies, supposedly as a sign of brotherly affection when it means a slightly sinister gloating at their comrade’s sign of ageing. All men have this sinister fear. Even those who are hunky and look dashing, all the other guys would admire their tight body, sexy back and handsome face, inside, they are afraid of not appearing attractive or desirable to women, too!

Some try to impress by becoming a Mr Know-it- all, offering up pieces of advice or showcasing their adept skills at something. Like blabbering on about the latest news or the newest movie/book/hot scandal. However, this often misfires as women are not as impressed as they think women would be.

Some act nonchalant, not seeming to care about the state of their polo tees or their belly.

Perhaps being more optimistic, they think that, surely, after some time, some beauty would be able to acknowledge their vast charms, and want to swim in the deep sea of their eyes. But as the years go on, they start to have a sinking feeling that the women only see them as ‘woodblocks’, ‘activity partners’, and not desirable in the way they see a man they would like to have by their side. And their deepest fear sees the daylight.

Why do some men play with women’s hearts? They want to make a woman like them. Maybe this is a subconscious thing – perhaps since their childhood days they have never felt love from any woman. And so they ‘woo’ the women in their lives. They appear nice. Sensitive. Very sweet. And always paying – perhaps a need for the women to have a monetary obligation to them, but the women tell themselves he is being a true gentleman. Each date or friendly meeting experience is tinged with the ‘romance feel’. Invariably, the strongest of women will develop feelings. But these men are insecure, worrisome, think too much about their own feelings and usually says things to make them seem nice that women will continue liking them, and not say it because it comes sincerely from the heart.

And most of the things that men do, or act,or feel, is ultimately centred on that. Being desirable, being attractive to women. Or maybe, some are more driven by the fear, of being undesirable, or unattractive to women.

charmed

We've been about a month together now, and we had a little celebration last weekend to mark it. 

Was gobsmackedly surprised when Mr A. presented me with a little dog charm! It was the charm I wanted!!! Yay!!!

The week before, while he was doing his 'home-work' at Coffeebucks at The Big Splash, I was reading and had used the Thomas Sabo charm bracelet catalog as a bookmark of sorts, and took it out and placed it on the table. For quite some time now, I have been hankering after the nice charms... I do like charm bracelets and want something I can keep. Tiffany's too expensive (for silver!) in my opinion, but I totally get the feeling when you step into the shop *gasp gasp* or receive one of those blue boxes!!! 

So actually, I planned to buy the charm bracelet and each month add a charm to it... 

Mr A. swiftly spotted the catalog and *gasp gasp* took note of what I said as I was happily chirping away about the nice designs, which one I am considering, etc etc... Think next time I shall not tell him what I like... you know like sometimes you spot something, like rose-colored plates and cutlery, and mention, ooo, that IS nice... not knowing your boyfriend is taking down mental notes...(and actually, you just think it's nice not that you actually want to buy it nor use it) haha. He is soooo sweet, he wanted to buy me the whole bracelet too but I beat him to it! *phew*. 

One of the awesomely good advice Pastor gave us was to find a book - about relationships and growing together, and read it together. That IS good advice. But, the choices of Christian books (and dare I say, secular too) are limited, on this matter. We went to both a Christian bookshop and the bookshop in Raffles City which earns the most money from me... there were abundant choices for those "Oh God why am I still single" people, with titles like 'Make every man want you' (why would you want that?) 'How not to meet jerks', 'single men are like waffles...' and even 'how to plan for a wedding if you have less than 3 months'!!! (Wonder what would anyone say to that!!!) The christian books were mainly for marrieds, like how to keep the flame alive after a year, after kids, after he's been unfaithful, etc. Otherwise there were limited books, of which I've read most already, like Josh Harris', and the quintessential 'Boundaries in Dating'. (Which in my opinion is REALLY good just that I didn't like the new cover. Bleah. Why are old covers always nicer than newer ones and why don't they just stick to the nicer one...)

Anyways Mr A. bought '5 love languages' and since it's been some time since I last read it, I shall read it again at Coffeebucks this weekend. 

I read this article online, about understanding your partner's love language, from a newsletter I e-subscribe to. I've read it before, but now, again, it gives a different context - more reality-nitty-gritty now, as I'm in an actual relationship compared to when I was ... imagining that I was? 

http://drbenkim.com/articles-lovelanguage.html

For women when it comes to issues of the heart, I think we are much more sensitive - although we try our darndest not to be, but a little thing like him wrenching his head away from you when you pucker up for a kiss (he was jokingly doing that I mean) may make us feel bewildered and a bit sad. 

Of course we don't want to seem that we are being uptight and petty so we just let it fall by the wayside but maybe next time we will be slightly more reluctant to ... pucker up.

So I think knowing your own love language also helps in relationship communication in that sense. Though I've known myself for so long, I'm still quite clueless as to which I'd like to give or to receive. Can I choose all of the above? 

Yesterday I also received note that my friend's about to wed. Yay! Though I wouldn't claim to be very close to her or to know her well, I'm really really happy for her. I remember that I was one of the first she shared her joy with then last year when he proposed, and hearing her elated being emanating from google-chat (amazing right!) I also felt a warm bubble of happiness seeping through my soul. Ah, weddings are lovely... They are both rather well-planned, meticulous and methodical people so their website... is something I've bookmarked if I need some help next time. Not really being involved in people's weddings apart from singing and helping with the creative part, I am rather intrigued to see the lengths of which they have prepared for their day. They even have customized rings!!!! I ALSO WANT!!! (http://www.fairysinc.com/) 

I once knew a guy (not knowing him very well)... he actually bought his rings from one of the most... 'cheapo' or... brand is not very well-positioned brand in Singapore... not Taka Jewellery... it's Citigems! =( Worse, he told me (proudly) he used his sister's member card and got 30% off. =( Worse, I knew that his family is not poor one, landed property alright... some couples, they are not earning much, but at least can buy Lee Hwa? Even Goldheart also not bad, right? Since it's a wedding ring, and you're going to wear it until you can't fit, or at least for the first few years, buy something more worth it... I'm not a brand snob but I was rendered speechless when he bought his rings at... ...nevermind. 

The organized couple:

http://www.davidvera.superweds.com  

The customized rings:

http://www.fairysinc.com/

The relationship article:

http://drbenkim.com/articles-lovelanguage.html

Hee... I like my new charm bracelet.

july baby

This was the surprise! Whilst walking back to his place to get the car for dinner... Mr A spied... a bunch of balloons in his carpark. And nudged me to look at it... and I collapsed in giggles as the bunch came and presented itself to him. We could hardly fit into the lift... and there was a humongous foil heart balloon that's still floating now. Hee hee! We just kept laughing... it's amazing how balloons bring so much joy and laughter to people. Even while we were walking around a park, random people talked to us and wished him a 'happy birthday' - that's the magic of balloons I guess.

Us before we got into the lift...

Our balloons and us (and a neighbor auntie!!!) squeezed in with us... she had to bent over but she said she was in a hurry and kept asking us if we were having a party. 'Wah, so many balloons arh! Kai party arh!!!"

Before he reach home, gave a green balloon to his neighbor, and 'overwhelmed' / new birthday costume in the corridor... ...

And a lovely meal at Brazil Churrasco. I did the corporate video on their site. So I had the opportunity of dining there (free) before. I must say the meats are delish, free flow served by waiters... verrry nice! Below is the architectural tree made by the Tree Wizard after having been inspired by our love story... ... it really looks like a real tree and I added a couple wearing clothes that looks like us, standing at the side and looking into the future. Sort of to celebrate a month being together. And a little nest behind on one of the branches of the tree, with eggs which shall remain our little insider secret for now. Mr A. wrote me a card, and gave a charm for my bracelet (He wanted to buy the bracelet but I beat him to it!)... it's so sweet, and unexpected. He even took down notes on what kind of flower I liked (allium - seasonal, now no more la) hee... sometimes when we don't meet, I still feel like, hey, is this for real? Someone once said the love will grow deeper with time, and even though we have to acknowledge we are very different individuals although we like to think we are alike, there's nothing that cannot be worked out or discussed upon...nothing major anyways. I'm touched that even though it's early days now, and as hopeful as we are, reality does play a part, but I'm so touched that he wants, and knows that he wants to spend the rest of his days with me. He feels that he is the most blessed man in The Church... hee... and I am really really happy just to have him, and I pray that we will never know what it's like to be without each other.

We spent about half an hour before leaving for dinner, just having fun, taking photos with 2 of the heart foil balloons. I realised that to get really nice photos, you have to take quite a few shots. So we went crazy with photobooth - and I used picasa to piece all together in a collage, both softwares are free... whilst his Mom looked on, amusedly. I really like the collage above... and was amazed Mr A. had so many expressions!!! Below is all our shots - we took 40 in all and there are some really funky ones. Hee... and we're getting some casual photos done by bryan&jean... they take photos which we like very much.

Pastor's talk and relationship advice

Yesterday was quite a 'big' day for myself and Mr. A. We met with Pastor, and also Dad and Mom. My sis' boyfriend's family also wanted to meet him, but we thought that was a bit too scary! (Oh Mom does think he looks like Iljimae!!!)

Architect wanted to know how was the 'relationship counseling/accountability' like, what actually transpires during the talk session... ... we remarked on how some couples seemed to have black faces or even broke up after such sessions with other mentors. But for me, I consider Pastor as one of my friends, also, this is probably one of the BEST things he could do for me as a friend at this point of time. So, I relish the opportunity to share, and also to gain insights from a 'third party' which we never could have, by ourselves.

Pastor did share his heart with us about many things, things which he has learnt during his own courtship. Pastor has been married for a year now, but he spent 5 looooong years dating, and some of the time in a long distance relationship too as Pastor's wife gotta scoot off to Oz finishing her studies. For us on the other hand, we were curious as to what is 'too fast', considering that we only had a few dates before embarking on this relationship. Pastor said that he hoped we were 'mature 26 years olds' and did not treat this as a 'trial and error' thingy. It would be a waste of time for both of us. I think being in quite a number of relationships previously, I know that I'm not 'trying it out' once again... ...

Also, Pastor gave us some wise advice. He asked us, what made Mr A. choose me, and likewise asked me the same question. He knew that the reasons we chose each other would grow over time, and said he radically believed that ALL relationships could be worked out (provisio of no sin/ awareness of God's presence is there in the relationship.)

For example, as it's always mentioned, a relationship is not only the couple, but also God's presence. We have to have the fear of God in this relationship. But why? Ahhh! There is the burning question that many cannot answer. As Pastor explained to us... you see, there is always the fear of God/God's real presence in every relationship. But when we are further away from God, engaging in stupid things for example, God's presence moves further away and repeated again and again, this relationship brings more harm than good. So ideally, we have to set a high standard of purity because God will look at this relationship and go ,"Wow, this couple is really honoring me, man. I am impressed." Pastor also advises us not to even think of spending the night together (!!!) as some people 'smartly' make up excuses like... it's so late, let's just crash here etc. Putting this down on paper, I think most people would agree that it's unwise to stay out so late, etc.

But in this country, I think it's acceptable to say, watch the sunrise together or... just spend a prolonged time, till wee hours in the night, talking, at the beach, etc. Yes, we have done that. And spending time at each other's place, well, my place is full of people so engaging in any hanky-panky is outta the question, and as we live so near each other, I think no one will buy the excuse, that 'it's sooo late, why don't you just crash here and go back tomorrow,' haha. Pastor said, you would rather spend the $20 cab fare midnight surchage home than to have one night of guilt... even, say you didn't do anything, people would always imagine the worst about you. That's quite true actually. We'll try to go home earlier (maybe before 2am?) and not stay out till it's so dark, we are actually very tired this week and my butt muscles are aching from sitting in the sand. (Try it, sitting in the sand for hours is a mean feat.)

Also, about travelling together... alone, is a no-no. For reasons we can well understand why. Because we have animal magnetism and incredible chemistry, we can imagine our emotions getting the better of us. And no fertilized eggs before marriage, please. (I must add here that Mr A. is a terribly decent guy and he is very concerned about my needs before his so, he is not wanting to... do anything also!!!)

So we are making a pact NOT TO travel alone (Though, I have travelled alone with guys as well as solo, but the thing IS...I am totally not interested in them and thank God I have never made any mistakes in this area.) Above all, we wanna honor God and our integrity as well. Though I do like travelling and to my naive mind, 'what can happen right', better not to do so until we are married then we can travel every weekend alone and feel better we have waited til then. We're supposedly going Perhentian or some diving/beach place with his friends and I'm looking forward. Pastor also mentioned we could go out in groups, not just with other couples, but with singles as well. Ya! That's such a good idea, though in our 'sticky' stage now I wonder which single can tahan going out with us? I would like to share my 'lovey-doveyness', as Architect put it, with my friends, single or attached... so those who can tahan please sign up over the next weekend! We can watch movies, chill out at coffee places, sit in the sand together and feed each other!

=)

Any takers?

I'm stoked that Pastor agrees to have us account to him... it's what I've always wanted.

neyumminoona

Last month in Melbourne. Taken from the MsBestFriend's waist-level so I look super longish.

I think one thing it takes for a relationship to keep going strong is the support of family and friends. 

Dad and Mom's gonna meet Mr A. this weekend, and I would say that with the exception of me, both sides are really gearing up towards the meet up! The excitement level is as if I had been a spinster for years!!! -_- Upon hearing the name of his firm "WXYZ", Dad excitedly asked me what it stands for (I haven't a clue!) and went to google it online immediately... ...Worse, this week he messaged me on Facebook about how he has seen Mr A's diving photos, why I didn't tell him Mr A went diving before, how does he pronounce his frenchified name... ... Gosh, I was so embarassed I deleted the 'wall message' and smsed Dad that all our mutual friends and 400 of mine can read what he 'wrote' (presumably thought was a private message, I hope.)

 Mom was surprised he is a professional worker... remarked that at this age, he is already professional? Muahahaha. And she asked how he looks like. Is he dark? Tall? Tua Chiak??? After thinking for a while, (cannot say until so handsome otherwise she will let her imagination run wild), I realised the best way is to liken Mr A. to some of her favorite Korean male stars.

Nope... none of these boys over flowers.

Then suddenly whilst talking to Mr A. on the phone, I realised who he looks like!

'Mom! He looks like iljimae!!!'

A darker version, perhaps. Mom was unduly fascinated by this startling new revelation.

That's more like it. 

I think, he looks more like my parents than I do. We'll ask for a second opinion from friends on saturday (if they come to The Church.)

==

Alkitab and Soursop (with nice red car accessories I wanna buy) has been verrrry encouraging too. They never fail to ask me for updates each week and I happily share the latest stories with them. I shared with A & S how blessed I was with him, and how decent and kind he has been.

Soursop said she wanna fall in love too, with a man who drives. How difficult is that? =)

We were learning from Tae-kwon-do in cell how to speak a bit of Korean. For gals to call an older guy, is 'o-pa' in a very shy and girly sounding way. And for Alkitab to call me (older 'sister'), is 'noona'. We all burst out laughing when Alkitab attempted to call me thus, 'neyumminoona'. He calls Mr A. 'Santos' (because he looks Indon-Chi,) and calls me a improvised version of 'Naomi' (After The Pastor in The Church!!!) which is 'Neyummi', so...

...please call me Neyumminoona.

 

someone camping in my head

Central to romantic love is obsessive thinking. Night and day you think of “him” or “her”. You have someone camping in your head. But of all the intoxicating feelings of romantic love, perhaps the most powerful is the craving for emotional union with the beloved. Foremost, the lover wants this special person to call, to write, to be invited out for dinner or a drink, to share, to plan — and to say those precious words, “I love you.”  - msn relationships

Well, I've not been in love for such a long time that I think I've grown 'rusty'. Sure, most of the mushy parts come naturally to us - when we message each other morning greetings everyday, and text how much "I miss you" (he does it more often than me) and throughout the day, keeping up via The Office's email. Have you eaten? Slept well? What time did you wake up this morning... all the small things that, well, equate to saying how much we feel for each other and how much we really like each other. 

Although he has ventured an "I love you" (on sunday!) I have yet to say mine. I do, definitely, but I think to say it, out loud, for me, takes another form of courage that will be enough with more time and more trust. For me, this means forever. I'm beginning to cherish the way we communicate, although we have known each other for a barely long enough time, we talk and banter and 'suan' each other like old, old friends. 

He said yesterday that he whiffed a lady colleague(walking by his desk) wearing the same perfume as mine ('Lovely', Sarah Jessica Parker - smells wonderful) and asked me what was it's name. I jokingly said,"Oohhh! Why you go and smell other people! You hamsup her!! What are you doing so close to her?! Explain it to me or else no egg tart for you tomorrow!" 

Poor Mr. A.

And last night, we talked about how we wanted to live in future. No one wanted to wash the dishes so the solution was to buy a dishwasher, or hire a maid. And how about sweeping the floor? He asked. I'll buy you a vacuum cleaner, I replied. We laughed after, because we were at AMK hub looking at vacuum cleaners (Mr. A thought of buying a mini one for Office) and I pointed one at him and pressed 'on'. Much to the amusement of the onlookers, it sucked half his shirt in, exposing his belly in the NTUC... ... (Sorry, I forgot it sucks in not out... I thought it was a hair dryer...) He was ... stunned speechless and wanted to 'whoosh' me too, but the one in his hand? It was not plugged in. Muahaha.

==

Here's an article to read further. I think right now we are 'babes in the woods', though I wouldn't go as far as wearing couple clothes *bleah... It takes another form of courage to wear that together.

(From BBC website)

In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It's possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together they're able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed. Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you're together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the 'unconscious fit'.

Unconscious fit

All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about our life experiences and the marks they've left. It contains information we often haven't acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defences.

Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person's blueprint. The people we're most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We're looking for similarities of experience but, more significantly, we're also looking for differences.

Opposites attract

The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. That might be someone who's the same as us, but most commonly we're looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.

The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognise any of these?

Parent and child - this type of couple often has shared issues with dependency and trust. One partner copes with those issues by behaving in a childlike way. Their hidden belief is that if they remain insecure, dependent and needy their partner will look after them. Their partner takes on the role of parent and by doing so is able to deny their own needs for dependency as they're acted out by the other.

Master and slave - this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may feel very insecure if they're ever subordinate, so they're bossy and take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner's control-freak attitude.

Distancer and pursuer - both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap round.

Idol and worshipper - when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.

Babes in the wood - you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world outside.

Cat and dog - on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.

You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we progress through our relationships, it's not uncommon to slip into a certain pattern of behaviour. For example, in a time of illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.

sporty together

Pianist has supported me throughout the 'love story of my life' (it's nicee to have friends to share in these moments) so here's one he will like:

(relating it to Mr A.)

Me:

"Hey, Pianist suggested us doing sports together... I said we didn't do any sports yet... He suggested gym but I think gym is a very individual sport, then he suggested that I 'rah rah' you... "Lift more weights! Do it for the sake of our future children... etc..."

Mr A. 

"I know what sport we can do."

Me:

"What sport? I'm not very sporty le..."

Mr A.

"bedminton"

Me:

"Nooooooooooooooo...!!!"

It was a singles' game... now we can play doubles.

*please take all jokes with a pinch of salt like the happy carefree relaxed people we all are.

happy beyond words

'I'm happy to have met you.' I said.

'I'm blessed to have you,' he replied.


Mr A. held my hand!!!

munch, cavenagh bridge, esplanade, singapore flyer

I love you lollies in Melbourne. Drats, the 12th H1N1 person got it from Melbourne!!! 
Nice wallpapers from SPCA. Do your bit.

I try not to get sentimental when I think about Mr A. but he is really... someone I've dreamed about my whole life, and sometimes I can't believe how blessed I am to have him in my life for this time. And as always the time spent together seems so short, so fleeting. But while I can, I am storing up memories of him, for future reference. And he's 'seeing' me! (Whatever that means.) Little did I know that our 'sunday outings' as I term it are actually dates... *blush. Mr A.'s  a really decent guy and I respect him so much more for not touching me... I know it's hard for guys not to.

He nudges me in a sweet way *nudge nudge...and seems to want to sit really close by, and I think I'm the one that keeps touching him... in small ways. I can't stifle the urge to pound my small clenched fists on him when he says something terribly funny, which is almost all the time, really. 

We went to this sandwich place in The Office area which reminds me of Melbourne... and they had 'flat white' for $3. Irresistable, although it wreaks havoc on my system to drink coffee so late in the evening. He couldn't take it that I was having coffee - we both had made 'drink less coffee' pacts, so he got his long black. And the sandwiches were delish. Later we took a walk on my favorite bridge, Cavenagh bridge. What I like is that we each have something to offer to each other - our unique and favored places, our take on things we ponder upon in similar facets, I can never get tired of hearing his voice... and he always encourages me to talk more, about everything going on in my head. We ended it after a jaunt at the top of the Esplanade, then a slow walk (it is not that far, I realised) to the Singapore Flyer area. I think that is the most deserted tourist attraction in Singapore! After 11pm, it seems like we were the only two people there. Still, it was nice to sit by the waterfront and just chat under the balmy breeze. 

Mr A. said today that he thought of me while reading Phil 4:8. I asked him, you think I'm 'lovely'? And he say yes, lovely, and more. That I was 'all of the above'. I'm touched beyond words by his sweetness. Nowadays, I'm getting in touch with my soft side, too. I walked past bak-kwa shop at chinatown on the way to lunch yesterday, and chanced upon "GSS of ... pork floss". The discount wasn't much, but the smell of freshly made pork floss was just mouth-watering. So, I got one packet for him... which he used for breakfast today. =) 

==

And here's something for weekend reading. Not sure if you agree with all that's written... I do, for most.

(taken from MSN/Lifestyle)

10 things you should never say to a woman

t's true: Some comments are better left unsaid.

But as a sophisticated man of the 21st century, you already know this. You know you're not supposed to comment on your girlfriend's weight, or tell her that her friends are hot. And you know she probably feels the same way you do about the phrase, "Can we still be friends?"

Additionally, you've found that honesty, while valued in most situations, can sometimes offend. What you say to defuse tension in an argument often stokes the fire. We understand that the female psyche can be complicated, and we're here to demystify what may seem like strategically placed trapdoors.

Here are 10 things most women don't want to hear:

1) "What did you do to your hair?"
Unless we've cut our own hair—this is not common—someone else did something to our hair. It wasn't us. And most likely we've gone to a lot of trouble and expense for it. "I like your new haircut" is infinitely better, and shows you're paying attention. It's also far superior to the generic "You look different," which tells us you're as clueless as ever.

2) "They both look the same to me."
We understand you care a lot less than we do about the outfits or the registry dishware we're asking you to compare. But they can't possibly look exactly the same, can they? Give us something. Anything. Mentally roll the dice and pick one, so we don't worry about your vision—or worse, that you don't care.

3) "Relax."
A kissing cousin to "Don't get so worked up," this generally creates the exact opposite effect you're shooting for. When you say "Relax," what we hear is that you think that we're being irrational over nothing, and this makes us do anything but relax.

4) "I've got it all under control."
Ha! Famous last words. Refrain from using them if you don't want us to take fiendish delight in your getting lost because you won't stop for directions (if we're late, there will be fiendish fuming), or because you're missing a piece to your flat-screen television because you said you didn't need to read the assembly instructions.

5) "You're not one of those feminists, are you?"
Yikes. Chivalry may be nearly dead, but saying this will drive the last spear through its heart. Feminist or not, a woman is likely to be offended by the question. Just be yourself. Be kind, open the door, offer to pay, and go from there. We can choose to accept or share in your generosity.

6) "When are you due?"
Take one second to imagine a woman turning to you and responding, "I'm not pregnant," or "I had the baby six months ago," and you'll understand why you should eradicate this question from your vocabulary. In one nanosecond, innocent—even considerate—curiosity can turn to deadly, if unintentional, offense. And there's just no way to recover from this one.

7) "You're being emotional."
In the heat of the moment this may be true. But unless you want your partner to become more emotional or get angry, you're better off keeping this observation and its off-limits follow-up question—"Is  it that time of month?"—to yourself.

8) "You're acting just like your mother/my mother/my ex-girlfriend."
All three are problematic. An ex should be mentioned sparingly, and never in comparison. Why would we want to remind you of a person you broke up with? And come to mention it, why are you thinking about her? You see the slippery slope. Conjuring an image of our mother or your mother can be equally grating. We want you to treat us as individuals and not as mere products of your (or our) upbringing.

9) "You complete me."
We've seen "Jerry Maguire" and most other romantic comedies far more often than you, and while we may (or may not) like cheesy movie lines, they usually fail in real life. We understand that the possibility of romance makes inexplicable things come out of a man's—and sometimes a woman's—mouth, but keep the compliments real and honest and sincere and say you love someone when you mean it.

10) "Do you really think you should be eating that?"
Yes. She should be eating it. Even if she told you she's given it up.

agreed

My first 'pet' - neighbor's cat in Melbourne. Going there next week, after 20 years since my first stay. I'm so chic lasttime with the sunny yellow top, stonewash jeans and... bubblegummers shoes.

Today, while chatting to Mr A, I mentioned that I had a headache (I think due to a stiff neck) for some days...

He asked: "Did you have late nights?"

I replied: "All my late nights are with you."

We both "!!!"

Haha, I meant phone conversation like until 1 am, for 3 days this week. I think, that is already kind of pushing my limits - and his. He has to wake up earlier, so I feel truly bad for yakking until we are both like... mumbling nonsense. I also realise that I tend to speak what's on my mind - like the really nice and sweet stuff, when I am half-concious. One of those nights, I requested a little lullaby from him, and he obliged. Hee, the memory of it now gives me little bubbles inside.

Oh...and somehow, we have both agreed on everything so far. =( I mean, it's not that I'm happily agreeing to everything he says, and vice versa. Those who know me know I have strong opinions and will not hesitate to opine them when I feel so. Mr A. thought that perhaps, I agree with his opinions because he voice them out first. Well, I do take kindly to others' views as well, and perhaps may 'align' mine with their own. But still, I've never met anyone whom I agree with so well.

So we decided to find some topics to disagree upon.

His colleagues were having some discussion about 'marriage issues' so he posted them to me. One was about money - in Vietnam, the custom was the husband give the wife all his salary, what was my view about that? The other one was a question which I think many people had vastly strong opinions about - depending on their upbringing, or mostly, I feel, it depends on their age. Would you be willing to live with the guy and the in-laws?

Umm. I think most people my age have strong opinions that they would. not. live. with. in-laws.

But for me, actually I've always assumed that not only would I have to - but I actually want to.
Because, I find that a house with two people is... too quiet. And, as I've mentioned before, it would be really thrilling for me to learn from the mother-in-law, how she cooks fish, how she lives in her older-generation way...I think there is much to learn, for me. Even grandmothers, I do secretly relish the thought of living with these women if I have the chance to, and learn their ways. I don't see myself as a submissive woman, but rather how my life will be enriched, as opposed to living on my own. How nice, to learn from the mother-in-law, how to cook her son's favorite dishes! And to learn other wifely things too. =)

So, after these 'deep issues' questions... we still agreed on everything!!! Initially he thought that I am the agreeable one, so he made me say my opinions first before he said his. But after all I said, he totally agreed. It totally amazes me that we are so 'like-minded' because, character-wise, we are very, very different. And not really complementary per se.

I wonder, if one day we will run out of things to talk about. We are still talking about 'danga bay' - the place where we met and got acquainted briefly. I think it's nice to have someone agree with you on things, and I also think it's important in the long run, if we do have one.