agreed

My first 'pet' - neighbor's cat in Melbourne. Going there next week, after 20 years since my first stay. I'm so chic lasttime with the sunny yellow top, stonewash jeans and... bubblegummers shoes.

Today, while chatting to Mr A, I mentioned that I had a headache (I think due to a stiff neck) for some days...

He asked: "Did you have late nights?"

I replied: "All my late nights are with you."

We both "!!!"

Haha, I meant phone conversation like until 1 am, for 3 days this week. I think, that is already kind of pushing my limits - and his. He has to wake up earlier, so I feel truly bad for yakking until we are both like... mumbling nonsense. I also realise that I tend to speak what's on my mind - like the really nice and sweet stuff, when I am half-concious. One of those nights, I requested a little lullaby from him, and he obliged. Hee, the memory of it now gives me little bubbles inside.

Oh...and somehow, we have both agreed on everything so far. =( I mean, it's not that I'm happily agreeing to everything he says, and vice versa. Those who know me know I have strong opinions and will not hesitate to opine them when I feel so. Mr A. thought that perhaps, I agree with his opinions because he voice them out first. Well, I do take kindly to others' views as well, and perhaps may 'align' mine with their own. But still, I've never met anyone whom I agree with so well.

So we decided to find some topics to disagree upon.

His colleagues were having some discussion about 'marriage issues' so he posted them to me. One was about money - in Vietnam, the custom was the husband give the wife all his salary, what was my view about that? The other one was a question which I think many people had vastly strong opinions about - depending on their upbringing, or mostly, I feel, it depends on their age. Would you be willing to live with the guy and the in-laws?

Umm. I think most people my age have strong opinions that they would. not. live. with. in-laws.

But for me, actually I've always assumed that not only would I have to - but I actually want to.
Because, I find that a house with two people is... too quiet. And, as I've mentioned before, it would be really thrilling for me to learn from the mother-in-law, how she cooks fish, how she lives in her older-generation way...I think there is much to learn, for me. Even grandmothers, I do secretly relish the thought of living with these women if I have the chance to, and learn their ways. I don't see myself as a submissive woman, but rather how my life will be enriched, as opposed to living on my own. How nice, to learn from the mother-in-law, how to cook her son's favorite dishes! And to learn other wifely things too. =)

So, after these 'deep issues' questions... we still agreed on everything!!! Initially he thought that I am the agreeable one, so he made me say my opinions first before he said his. But after all I said, he totally agreed. It totally amazes me that we are so 'like-minded' because, character-wise, we are very, very different. And not really complementary per se.

I wonder, if one day we will run out of things to talk about. We are still talking about 'danga bay' - the place where we met and got acquainted briefly. I think it's nice to have someone agree with you on things, and I also think it's important in the long run, if we do have one.

Chosen

" Every happy ending is the same.
Every sad story is different. "

A dear colleague told me that.

I cannot get this statement out of my mind. Perhaps it encourages me, to persevere on for mine.

Being in sad situations, one thing I am thankful for, are the guys who are around, my friends.

Having guy friends who are slightly older than me, I observe their lives, their career paths and relationship choices and, I have learnt. I've always looked forward to the age where we will proceed with our second stage in life - this year, TBO is turning 30; Kie, 29 - and it seems that it was only yesterday that we were all still young and...more spirited. Was chatting with TBO the other day and I reminded him, hey, I'm not 19 anymore...I'm grown up now.

I've made a new friend recently and I'm glad for his presence in my life. I am actually apprehensive about making new guy friends - have always kept a distance from 'newer guys' like Nono, IcedMountain, and others, not really sharing my thoughts, not really taking an interest in their lives either - not wanting to take the friendship into a deeper level.

So I was touched when Alkitab, sitting next to me, sensed that I was...not myself, and availed himself with a sincere concern. Few people are like that - attuned, and wanting to...minister. Most of us are more self-centred. Everyone loves to listen to sad stories, to analyze and give their two cents' worth, but how many people actually feel for the person who is experiencing it? I'm okay now, it's just an upset-ness that has prevailed for a long time now, precisely because I allow myself to feel for others, and I do realize NOW that actually, NOT seeing Zero is so much better because I.am.not.affected.when.I.do.not.see.him. His problems are not mine, but I have been like that too, in the past.

Haven't I also used Kie as a punching bag and forsaking him, although not in such a dramatic manner, without even a word of apology? So, in the same instance, when someone who is a friend I really care about calls me for help, shouldn't I avail myself although I can predict the outcome - and the long-term outcome, perhaps.

And I feel sad, more for him, because, it's going to be the same outcome for what he is doing, give or take a few years. He will never be happy. Doesn't he realize that for one love relationship to end abruptly, and another to begin almost consecutively, means that the girl, has already thought about it for months before, and has made certain choices for certain actions to lead to this state of affairs? I'm not one to judge or comment but, I will never do such a hurtful thing to someone I love...Not to him, nor to the other guy. And EVEN if I don't love him, I would also not do that, I just cannot imagine that.

I really thank God for Alkitab being around then, maybe only he noticed that he was on the verge of tears. I hope to repay this kindness debt one day. I always joke with Kie and the rest that Alkitab is "my best friend replacement"(because he also shares some characteristics with him, and is ... similar in ways which we can bond - ie he choses whom he wants to share with and whom he just doesn't want to talk to... me too, lah) - but I really do enjoy the company... and the encouragement. And the singing. And the smiling...

My dear colleague also told me some 'truths that set me free' - one, that I was VERY idealistic when it came to (all sorts of) relationships. It hit me, because firstly, that's so very true! I tend to write off people who have no imagination - or people who just seem...boring. Later on I realize their good points. It's getting harder (as I get older?) to really, really really love someone. Maybe I've already given my heart away, or the small crack is getting bigger.

And aren't these the choices in life everyone must face? To choose between carrying on, or moving forward? To settle for a comfortable life over one which is full of passion and excitement but no stability? To choose the father of your kids, to choose the type of environment you want to create a home in - to choose between staying or leaving - all these choices ultimately brings us to one conclusion, that is...

Is it gonna be a happy ending? Or a bittersweet one?

For those who have the power to make such choices, be glad that you can.
Many of the people I've seen - those who have never invested themselves into anything - those who are only living as shadows; they have limited choices - or perhaps, none.

I'm so upset over Zero because he has taken away a bit of myself and I wonder when I can redeem it, or if I can redeem anything, at all.

finagled

Here Kitteh Kitteh...

MrCheerful wrote a quite-not-so cheerful poem on FB. I'm glad I met him because through (his writings) I am reminded that once, before my depressive state last year, I too, wrote poems of that nature, and short stories.

When I browse back; through my poems, I am reminded again of the intensity of the feelings I felt before, and the reason for writing them. Am not sure if it's the same for him, but putting down those intense feelings into a poem of sorts brings a closure for me. It's like the whole love episode culminates in a poem which brings release of those powerful and scary feelings that ruled your head, and your heart. And what he wrote reminded me of what I used to, maybe not the same style, but surely, in the same context. I'm glad that I've met him, really, someone that fascinates me. Told him I'd consider naming my son after him. So besides my boss, my best friend Zero, and Ches, (all of them have nice guys' names by the way and they have a strength of character, too) he has some serious competition. It's nice to name your kids after people you've known and liked, rather than some weird name or a common name like 'jonathan'. Which I do like, by the way.

MrCheerful's poem also reminded me that sometimes it's nice not to forget, or just to remember, that you once had intense feelings, that you once...loved. I actually hope I am able to love, again, at least with the intensity that I used to feel.

So this week I have had many people reminding me of a love topic which is quite amazing. A sign! Stupid Killer Whale proclaimed emphatically, 'you are not ready to settle down.' Maybe he's right, but I still don't like the way he said it. I don't wish to analyze his relationship, but if I was his girlfriend, I would be quite upset that he is not 'at that stage' yet, they are attending a marriage prep course...baffled. I asked him which stage was he at, maybe the 'before, before' stage?

I met Apostle today, somehow I love talking to him because he is so encouraging and creative. He's about the same age as Killer Whale, early 30s, yet they are in such different phases. Apostle is married and has 2 young kids, also doing his own biz. Killer Whale is not even in the stage to propose...oh well.
I can't judge him for reasons only he knows...one reason why I like older guys is because they are in the right mindset, but Killer Whale is no better than my mid-20s male counterparts!

Apostle told me that when I'm yielded to God, only He will know who's best for you, and no one knows how the other's going to be like in, say, 10 years from now. Only God knows and only He has the supernatural insight to know who's best for you for your whole life. Seeing my 'cold feet' at sharing the truth with TBO, instead of saying 'I'm not ready to settle down' like Killer Whale, he instead insightfully said that, it's actually good that I have a reluctance, because that would lead me to make mature decisions in this area instead of following my emotions. Wow. I was so encouraged! Because a part of me also chatised myself for the reluctance, which I felt that it was bad... It's always nice to have different perspectives from people and a positive approach is always welcomed.

And when the day is particularly bad, I always can find nice things to make me smile, and keep smiling... like on FB, me and MrCheerful (still) keep 'walling' each other - I do wonder how long that will last though! And thinking about his offer to pluck hummingbirds feathers to tickle me is just too hilarious. There are hummingbirds in Singapore, meh?

This week, it's nice not to forget.

changed

You can't control the way you feel.
At least, I've realized that recently.

How some people make you feel better, think deeper, smile more. I feel like I just want to stay connected, to constantly meet and interact with these people in my life. They give me something to look forward to on long killer work weeks. And I'm not beating myself up for that. I read that:

The principle of love says that you can accelerate your growth by creating more compatible connections and withdrawing from incompatible connections. Connections can be with people, places, objects, activities, or ideas.

Everything you connect with in life will either empower you or drain you. The connections that are most compatible with you will energize you. The least compatible connections will drain you.

For example, if you have a close, loving relationship with a highly compatible partner, that relationship will energize and empower you more often than not. But if you find yourself stuck in a relationship with someone who's a poor match for you, that relationship will drain you and cause you to stagnate. You're better off alone than being stuck in a relationship that drags you down. But better still is to enjoy a relationship with someone who energizes and uplifts you.

Fortunately, we aren't stuck with our existing connections. We can consciously chose to break off connections that aren't working, and we can form new connections we think will be more compatible. This can require some experimentation. You may not know which connections will suit you best, so you'll need to branch out and experience new people, places, and activities to learn what's most compatible with you.

One day, I hope that I can give this kind of powerful love to someone in my life who needs me most. CJ asked me this week, whether or not I consider myself successful. I think, as I chatted with him, that it depends on your definition of success. If it is to earn and have a million dollars by age 35, I don't think I will be successful. I half-jokingly (half-seriously) told him that maybe my idea of success is to be married by 30 and have 2 kids, settle down... and I will be happy.

But for people like us I think that perhaps only that is not enough.

Maybe we want a million dollars and a happy family. Maybe we think we can achieve more, and more is STILL not enough. (Right, CJ? Mr Workaholic...) I like chatting with CJ. Sometimes it makes me ponder on life issues, sometimes it just messes with my mind. I'm always in a quandary to decide which suits me better, I like to mess with his mind too!

He encouraged me last week to tell TBO... the truth, and it shall set us/me free. And I wondered DEEPLY what was stopping me from telling TBO. Perhaps, it is my love for him that makes me fear, that I cannot handle his response - or non-response. Drats.

And similar to CJ, TBO does not believe in 'the best one', so... it might not bode well for my expecting an enthusiatic response on his side. But I have settled in my heart to tell him, finally; when I meet him. (Although, I may not have the guts to.)

I realized, that whatever the outcome may be, I will still be cheerful, TBO or TBO-less. CJ replied with a deep thought (via sms) that as long as I have God, I will be happy.

I cheekily said that, Nooo. I need money and love, too...

We have been talking about money and love lately. Which do YOU prefer? I think all of us want to have both, isn't it? But at some point of time you need one more than the other and only having one or the other may make you even more miserable. Your preference also depends on where it is coming from, some people have it good, money AND love coming from the same place... hahaha!


The elusive TBO...who has no idea what storm is brewing his way...

focused

Be magnanimous in victory, gracious in defeat.


People I eat with... LOL!!!


Update: Tomorrow heralds the start of the second half of the year - Time flies!
I'm going to make it my 'buy-nothing month', and try really hard not to buy anything other than the necessary, save for my weekend trip to KL which I'd probably be too busy anyways, and stuff that run out like cleansers or...medicine. So I'd have to postpone my handphone buy to August (which I suspect there are better deals anyways and I'm still undecided about my brand and function preference) haha. I wonder how much I'd save? No movies either. There's always watch-movies.net!!!



Being an extrovert, sometimes one can't help but focus on the external - the people around us, and the situations or the mess we're in and that somehow gets me down most of the time, even if it's for a little while.

Especially when it comes to 'dealing with difficult people' - I haven't had that for quite a while now, so it just sort of splits me (tear, or break apart) to see people misbehaving in a manner which ultimately, can set off a spiral of events or bad feelings that affects more people than, say, just me. Ie, making bad decisions, or unable to make decisions... yes, there are people who are like that. And I just realized that it's not because I'm in the picture, they'd probably do so to everyone because it's in their inherent nature, and I guess the reason why they can't seem to do better is because they, like almost everyone else, are afraid of change.

And these people throw me off balance for a while. Not only do I feel discouraged - and that's a small thing really, generally try not to let negative insensitivities distract me, but I just wish that some people would be a little more intelligent and not affect those around them, or realize their effect on the people around them and realize how easy it is, to change!

Chestnut seems to have his rants too on the same matter (Funny when different people are affected by similar things.) Case in point which he emailed me about - he's sailing:

'I realised that I have difficulty relating to people when I can't make out their emotional state, which I realised by working with my second engineer. On the whole he's an affable, jolly sort of fellow, but sometimes when I talk to him; his taciturn replies seem to imply that he's not happy with me. Then half an hour later he's all back to his normal jokes again. So whenever that happens, I realise that I get worked up cause I don't know how to react. It's almost as if his capriciousness 'messes up my system.' It's probably also cause I don't like conflict, so if it's present - or if I feel it present - I become uncomfortable and agitated.'

Similarly, I do get quite upset for a few hours by people I shouldn't even bother with... Oh well. Ches says that in these times you discover your true character, and I think that when things aren't going well for you, you begin to treasure the good times and the good people you must, but forget to thank God for placing in your life and having them around every single day.

I realise also that at times when you're too emotional you tend to make shmucky decisions. It's like the focus is gone and you're just worried about what people are thinking or what's going on and usually the decision won't turn out well. Also, when you're too unemotional, you don't have the mood to make ANY decision. Haha. I guess a good decision making comes partly from being concerned about what the people around you will think - if you're totally unaffected it might not be such a good thing - but not too much, too much concern will paralyze you I think. And also, just deciding sometimes is better than letting other people decide for you, or just letting it hang in the balance. People will respect you if you make a decision, even if it turns out not to be optimal, rather than not making one at all. Because if you feel for something, if you stand for something, if you believe in something so badly that nothing's going to stop you, do something about it.

captain zero, and decision making

Hmmm.
There ia actually a movie in production about Captain Zero!!!

'Surfer and one time drug smuggler, Allan Weisbecker's search for lifelong buddy Christopher, rumored to be living somewhere in Central America, so they can share their dream of the "Endless Summer" takes him through sometimes funny, sometimes harrowing adventures, that culminates in a shocking discovery about Christopher...and himself. ' - being produced now!

It's also the name of a vintage book series...
G.T. Fleming Roberts. How cool is that! Zero, you are/were famous!

Well, it's the first time someone's nickname on my blog becomes famous. I had no idea these books existed. And, Captain Zero knows the meaning of his name... or why I call him that. It's quite meaningful really, although now it takes on a new meaning with those comic-book type characters.

Why I give people in my life interesting names on this blog is because I don't want to make those stories into something people would wonder about others, but to take the story, and its lessons, at face-value. I also learn the most from the insightful and discerning people around me, so that is why I choose to write about them/us/our lives, and it's not to discredit their strength of character in any way.

Still reading the decision making book. Lots of good nuggets for thought. I shall write a book review and post it up soon. It's the global day of prayer too... For those who are interested can go to www.god.tv ! They will pray for country by country... it's Japan now. It's amazing, they show people from all over the world praying for their countries, in cave churches and anywhere they can gather... live feed today. I think it's amazing how the guy who founded this heard from God and established the whole thing. For me, I'm not sure I can do something big like this if God calls me to. I guess God tells him because he is somehow capable, or made capable. Then again, it's a life-changing decision whether to do it, or not.

Something interesting in the decision making book - it talks about Alice in Wonderland who was at a crossroads... and she doesn't know which road to take. The Cheshire cat asks, "Well, where are you going?" Alice doesn't know so the cat wisely answers, "Well, if you don't know where you're going, any road will do very nicely." If our lives are not repeatedly dedicated to the Lord, then ANY choice we make is as good - or as bad - as the next.



Deo Velenti - God willing.

make choice choices

Someone found my blog from Google search with the search words "I want to see God"
So stranger, whoever you are, thanks for reading and I hope you find what you are searching for.

Sometimes what we search for tells us something about ourselves. I was throwing away my old diaries I've kept since '95, and I realised that I was more extrovert and people-oriented then, than now. Or at least I kept writing about the people in my life whom I love. Am I still like that now???

I browsed through a book on decision making whilst on the throne today, and I'd like to share what was written... (in case anyone searches for "looking for the will of God for the best mate for my life" heh)

Well!

"...In my youth, advice for confronting the important decision, 'whom should I marry?' came freely in short sessions at summer camp. Today we attend expensive singles' conference complete with specialized sessions on dating and hefty notebooks. But the answer to the 'whom' question often remains: 'God chooses best for those who leave the choice with Him.' -Haddon W Robinson, 'Decision Making by the Book: How to choose wisely in an age of options.'

If your heart is willing; or at least willing to be made willing, hear.

Have a great weekend!

Blue -eyed boy

Part of my ongoing photojournalling of my lunch (and dinner) buddies.
Here's Kie, Dark chocolate and Me, Green tea.



Blue-eyed boy:
"someone's favorite, especially a young one."

He's the blue-eyed boy, and everybody else is an also-ran.
-1919, P.G. Wodehouse.

Just an interesting not oft-used English idiom we talked about yesterday while dining.

I'm glad I'm one of the blue-eyed. Heh. Never felt any less than that my whole life.


A cool website:
Bryan Tan Ministries http://bryantanministries.wordpress.com


Everybody's fave pastor from The Church, now we can read his writings.

I like what he quoted from a book,
You will exhaust your mind by trying to figure out God’s will before the right time comes.


This article http://bryantanministries.wordpress.com/2008/02/28/cultivate-quietness/

That has been something that I think God is speaking to me about recently. I always ask what is God teaching me in this and that situation, and I've grown up a little bit (yet maintaining my incredulously nonchalant blithe spirit hehe)... through these life experiences. Feeling peaceful is great. Am not going to 'grab and grasp' what has been promised to me, just going to soak in His presence. And let God do the work. Sometimes I do question how the way things turn out eventually, but it's too worrisome to worry about things we cannot be bothered to worry about!

Meanwhile going to have a busy week so just enjoying the quietness of a peaceful Monday afternoon at work.

I guess sometimes we all need to keep our perspectives in check.

overzealous

Things said at my Office everyday could be turned into a script for some sitcom...

Overheard, at MY Office:

Yesterday:
Lady colleague: Boss, are you free?
Boss: No, I'm $50 per hour.
...

Last week:
Same lady colleague(talking to guy intern while turning up the aircon): Hey, are you hot?
Me (sarcastic):No, he's not!

*Hoots*

Boss(while talking about the space in the office): I'd just let them (new interns) have my table then I can go sit...
Me: You can have the space under my table! (I use it to store all my barang)
Boss: Yeah! Then you can kick me while you're working.
Me: ...

Me(trying to slot in a meeting): When is a good time to have a meeting, Boss?
Boss: Next time we will launch an application where we can see each other's schedule and then we can just key in the meetings.
Me:...Eh, you didn't answer my question!

*Hoots*

It's actually really funny when this happens to you in real life.

==

I've got lots of things to write about actually as things have been happening and happening and I feel so - out of touch, out of place. I've been having cluster headaches almost everyday for two weeks now, and I just have this perpetually dreamy feeling throughout the days I am plagued by it. Don't really like to dwell on the bad stuff, but sometimes it's just a sad process of growing up when the responses from people you thought might care just makes you feel worse. I've been guilty of it too, when Captain Zero catches me on a bad day I just bite his head off, only to feel that later on, 'I shouldn't have.' The sadder part is, most people fail to realize that about themselves, perhaps only much later when it is too late for redemption.

And then you realize that... the people that really care are really few.

Anyways! Things are looking up. No more headaches, really happy at work and play.

I mentioned to a friend that,

'Sometimes you know in your heart what you need to do but you... don't do.
Or the things you know you have to work out... but neglect to do it till something happens.' I just said it without thinking much about it and then later on realised that that contained deep nuggets of thoughts. Been highly encouraged by many well meaning friends, mostly older than me, to 'confess' to TBO. Or rather, 'hint' to him. Hehe. I will, soon. I mean, I'm just enjoying the sweet moments that we share and don't want to ask for anything more right now.

I also like the way how some friendships turned out. Me, Captain and PS Chua was just lounging about the other day at the park near my place. Some parks are creepy, you just don't want to hang around for too long, or just too isolated. For my place, there are old people walking their dogs, teenagers, decent people who are just exercising and sitting down and chatting that makes it a very positive ambience. On weekends you can sit down and read a book sitting on the bench in the shade, while hunks and marrieds play soccer in the background. It's too positive at times though, sometimes we hang there and talk and talk until the wee hours. Which is what we did!

I was kind of saddened by the way I was linked to Captain and described as 'someone who once had feelings for him' - more scandalously - 'while he was STILL attached!' Sigh. I guess there are some people in church who will not stop at anything to get what they want. Don't they realise that they should choose to believe in something more positive, and also, verify the facts. I am rational that way - if someone told me something like this about a person I hardly knew, I would want hard facts, like maybe a steamy letter of confession? That should do the trick. But herein lies the most interesting, and logical (to me) conclusion: that that someone is not targeting me, but, rather, Captain Zero. In a way, it's also quite stupid. Because I would do something more positive. Like befriend me, add me to facebook and then slowly, get on our good books. I can't imagine why people would want to antagonize me, his best friend. So he has to make a hard decision? And guess what, if he chooses to forsake me, it tells about the depth(shallowness) of his character (and that our friendship is not worth anything anyways.) So I don't think Captain will forsake me (as he promised me not to but I am a skeptic at heart)... but this situation can be avoided easily, it's just that some people prefer to do things in this stupid way, for their whole lives. I can easily see why people fall into this trap. But I'd rather not. Sometimes things can get political especially when people know that I have a certain level of influence within certain circles. But honestly, I only instigate people to do positive things within reason. And I would never ask my friends to forsake another, nor force them to be unable to attend cell, or to be put in a position which they will be forced to do something they don't want to do.

It's just not right.

i will now take your questions

Sidetrack: Learnt a new 'singlish' phrase - or maybe only GoodDaddy uses it.
Yesterday, after Church:
Me to GoodDaddy: Hey, what ya doin' later? Want to join us for Easter brunch?
GoodDaddy: May not be.
Me: MAY NOT BE? What kind of broken English is that?
GoodDaddy: May not be...joining you later.

Oh. I shall implement the usage of "MAY NOT BE."

Am a beta tester for this new cool search site, www.searchme.com ! Wish I'd thought of this idea myself. Now with all the apps designers, people who design facebook apps FOR FUN; it's going to change the face and feel of the web world. So with open arms I welcome a new player in the search engine market... How it works is simple, you just type in for eg, 'marcel wanders'...For the uninitiated, he's a European (Dutch if you wanna be anal) designer who does lamps, vases, chairs I think...etc. so the site will prompt you for categories, eg - architecture, interiors, historical events... just select the right one, webpages appears, and the screen shot allows you to see what's there, plus at the bottom there is a summary.

As I said, wish I had thought of this earlier. It's revolutionary. Really going to cut down on the time spent surfing and clicking the red 'x' button at the top of the browser.

==

Questions, questions.
As I (and some others around me, you know who you are) navigate down the turbulent path of friendships and relationships, dating, liking, etc, I guess we have many questions and 'decisions' to make. Some, seemingly unimportant can lead to a 'make or break it', depending on the timing and the person.

For instance, choosing the right person to tell your little secret of who you are liking right now.

Or choosing the right time to surprise her/him with the TRUTH.

Haha!

I've been doing some thinking lately and I realised; that like spirituality, each individual's approach to love and relationships is only different in a matter of degrees. For instance, I can be open to... say, going on a trip and sleeping in the same room with a guy friend. But I won't do the same with my boyfriend. And I won't co-habit with him. What's the difference? Well...

I know a girl that feels guilty if she stays out after midnight talking to a guy who is not her boyfriend. I wonder what's the difference between, 10pm, 11pm and, one hour later? I guess our principles, no matter how warped are just different in a matter of degrees. Of course, it's better to err on the side of caution, but it's also a miserable life if you can't tell anyone (anyone of your true friends) who you like or why you like him/her.

And when it comes to the situation and you don't have a clear mind or a clear understanding of your principles, then it could be risky to you. I've known of many girls who have unwittingly or wittingly sabotaged their friends by not being able to keep something that most would term as confidential. As a girl, I would rather like to hear that a guy likes me (And take it as a compliment, not avoid him like the plague) from the guy himself, not from his friends, or his girl friends... It's always girls who like to do this kind of 'sabotaging' act that is why, I steer clear from talking deeply with many girls with this nasty inclination to torture their friends. Some girls also like to spoil a healthy normal guy-girl relationship by throwing questions about their friendship... Goes along the line like "Not bad what, both of you are quite matching... never considered? Blah blah." I must admit that I am guilty of it too, but at least I have the discretion not to say it infront of the embarassed friends. This will only force one or the other of them to say something not-nice, like 'she's not my type', or 'he cannot make it', which in turn is destructive for such a friendship. Perhaps guy-girl friendships are not meant to be accepted by most after all, I read once a lengthy diatribe of how the way the social mirror functions do not accept the gender-blurring distinctions of a purely platonic friendship.

They are hard to come by, so all the more we should treasure them.

I've asked myself what are the qualities I look for in choosing a life-partner.

I am surprisingly very un-choosy about that!
I guess I utilise my feelings more than my high-expectations brain in this area of my life, which is on the contrary for all the other areas.

Well, I think everyone should take a closer look (internal, I don't mean outwardly) and think about the qualities we should have and our dear other halves should.

This is the area in my life which I pray about the most. To me it is important, now, that I've finally realised God's choice is the best choice. Honestly, if it was up to me, I wouldn't have chosen him - the best one. But looking back I think it makes sense. I just pray and claim God's will, haha! I cannot imagine if I don't know, and just go ahead in life, I'd never be satisfied with my own choices. I make lousy choices anyways!

One of the choices I would make is that he should complement me. I am quite aware of my weakness, my inability to speak chinese or to be patient, my flair for being perceptive and visionary but otherwise not able to execute it without ample encouragement, many others...

I think the choices that we make now is very important in shaping our future. Through ours and others' experiences in this area we learn to be a better man and woman, and stay secure. One wrong question or wrong decision and we all fall apart.

So stay close to God, it will be amazing how His plan turns up.
=)

risk taker

"Why do you have mood swings? How come you can be so enthusiastic over something and lose all interest the next moment? How come you can be so crazy over a person one minute and the waters become so mysteriously still the next?" ----Kie, 'A Heart, Treasured & Divided'

I guess by asking ourselves questions every day, we sort out our thinking and be a little more mature in our actions and behavior.

I just thought that, it's true, every one of us has something to look forward to at the end of it all: death.

No matter which primary school we came from, how much we bring in every month, whether we speak 7 different languages fluently or just one; each of us are in the same predicament.

We are all going to die.
And none of us knows WHEN.

I'm a risk taker. Planting cells when no one asked me to, not even God (Well at least I didn't hear any divine voice for the first one.)

Working in sales, selling something that is extremely difficult to sell in Singapore. But I survived. And will keep going on.

Opening my heart to someone who may not be worth it because he has so many issues of his own that I can't seem to understand.

But I've learnt, so much more about myself, that it seems that suddenly, overnight, I finally understood the meaning of being wise.

Why not take risks when you are young? Why not invest in stocks? Seem risky? So you will never invest? Why not go to church? Because you are scared that once you go, you will be changed? What's so scary about that. Why you can work overtime and not come for cell or prayer meeting? Is that little bit of extra cash so important, more important than your spiritual life?

I'm a risk taker. Although to me it seems that there are more rewards when you take risks.

If I had never took a step out and came to Trinity Church, I would have never had the chance to become a leader in my old one.

If I never planted the first cell, I would have never planted the next one. And what would happen to those people?

If I had never joined this job I would never have clients and would never been able to bring them to church.

If.

No one can tell us the answer when we take risks. No one can predict whether the US $ will rise to 1.54 this week or drop to 1.51. If I can, hey, give me your millions and I can make your money grow.

But living life without IFs is not living a life at all. You may consider yourself a robot, not having feelings, so the possibility of loving someone and being hurt is zero. Would you like that?

A life without meaning is a life without love.

I'm a risk taker. Although to me, it makes more sense to live the life I've always wanted than to look at others', and wonder why I don't seem to have what they have.

I don't really understand the people who have worked hard for years and yet achieved nothing. I think I don't really work hard, yet I've achieved much. Being here, in this place (though most of the time I'd like to be somewhere else) in this job, in this spiritual arena, has taught me to 'be a better person'. In Chinese, they call it, how to 'zuo ren.' (Be a (real?) person.) The Chinese meaning signifies a person of integrity. Not just any other person out there in the street. But a person of influence, a person who knows how to act, how to think. Mature, intelligent, capable, and kind and compassionate.

So would you like to learn how to be a (real)person?

You begin to write your own story, chart your own course. Listen to your heart. Breathe in the goodness of life. And see people as Jesus saw them. Forget about their attire, or their skin color, or whatever irks you. Begin to focus on the right things. Begin to make friends just like you did in kindergarten. Remember then? We were friends with everyone, mainly because we felt like there was a bond, something that took place almost immediately. And these friends became a shelter for us, from the big world. We took pride in our similarities and were fascinated by our differences. Never lose your innocence in finding friends. Or forgetting who you really are, taking off the identity of your #first place in class when you were primary one, and then the identities we were made to be defined by in our society. Good at English. Not so good at Math. The arty-farty type. The rebellious type. The designer type. The top student type. The salesperson type. The cell leader type. Take it all away and all you have is... YOU. And if you want to learn more about what God can do in your life, you have to take risks. Leaving your identity is a risk. Travelling alone at 19 is a risk. Changing job industries is a risk. Investing in stocks is a risk. Yet some never do it, and some are ridiculed for stepping out, for being different by those others (sadly, the majority of our prideful, selfish world.)

So how?

You can choose to worry about the IFs or just stay there, no one needs you to step out anyway. (Except yourself.)

==



Pastor Bae Hyeong-gyu, kidnapped and killed, by the Taleban.
The male South Korean victim was found with 10 bullet holes in his head, chest and stomach in the Mushaki area of Qarabagh district in Ghazni Province, the region where 23 South Koreans were kidnapped last week, said Abdul Rahman, a police officer.

Taliban say they have killed second South Korean hostage
-31 July 2007 0049 hrs, CNA.

The militia killed one of the Koreans named Sung Sin with AK-47 gunshots at 1:00 a.m. in Korean time, the spokesman said.
The victim is believed to be Sim Sung-min, 28. The spokesman said the militia dumped the body in the Qarabagh district of the Ghazni province.
He is the second victim after the leader of the 23 church volunteers, Pastor Hyung-kyu, 42, was shot dead last Wednesday. Bae's body arrived in Seoul late Monday.
-NHK





Make your life here on earth count for the things that matter.
And please stop criticizing people who are risk takers.

the wishing tree

Wish. I want to grow a wishing tree.

One of my earliest childhood memories is walking along a rough pavement, shaded by leafy trees; picking saga seeds to put on my playdoh, walking somewhere along Sentosa. I guess that is why I still have an afinity to beaches and parks and open spaces, for there is where I spent my happy times in my childhood.

I remember playing super-soaker with my male neighbours. We formed a gang, meeting up to play at the open space in the middle of our block. Flats aren't built like that anymore. I lived in a time where neighbors all left their doors open and we could borrow each other's kids' company to play in each other's houses. Fortunately for me, my Mom did not discriminate against me playing with little boys, and the boys in my neighborhood were quite well behaved, almost too geeky actually. Maybe it was the water but I only had one girl friend to play with, the rest of the babies were boys. So I learnt, from an early age, how to communicate with little boys, how to play with action figures (just throw them at each other) liking teenage mutant ninja turtles (My Barbie's first husband, sadly for her...)My childhood was a happy one. Filled with little snacks - I could eat what I liked because I remained thin; lots of ice-cream, I could choose what I liked all the time... the smells of swimming pools, linoleum floors and playdoh and the gum we used for art and craft; happy times communicating with my neighbors even though their English was limited and so was my Chinese; hanging out at the playground that had a tiled pelican we can climb up on and imagine that we are flying in its beak.

It seems an awful thought to me that childhood for most people is not like that. And knowing how Singapore is like today, I wonder, if the best for my future generations means having to live somewhere else. We are not careless about our environment, we just don't know how to speak up. We use plastic bags for everything just because we are used to it, and are unaware of a more friendly alternative. And some childhoods are distorted, fragmented, something happened to theirs to make it seem less happy.

When I look back, each day seems happy.
When I look forward, the future seems bright. Never mind that I am not saving enough for my age profile for my retirement right now. Never mind that at 19, when I imagine what myself would be like 5 years later, it is a far cry. My room still looks like a kids' room. I still cannot afford the things I thought I would. But I am happy with my life. It gives me space to think. It gives me time to sleep as much as I need. Yes, sometimes I get panic attacks. I wonder what my life would turn out to be like if I had married early, or chosen a different path to study, if my parents had chosen to stay in Oz instead of heading back. Their generation has accomplished much. It seems like there is not much my generation can. But I am happy, because I realise that I can choose to be. Even though there is emotional, financial, work stress, it is only for this moment and does not define my life.

Sometimes I know, you don't feel like trying. Just chill out, space out. And I am like that too. But it haunts me that I am not able to do what I know is in my capability to.

I cannot say that because of my happy childhood, I am a happier person. I also cannot say for sure whose life will be better just because (fill in the reason).

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much.
Other times, I wish I could care more.

A red hot coal...

What He's done for me, is so amazing...
and I know He will do for you, what He's done for me.

Think about coals. I've been thinking of them for the past day or so. Because, during The Church's Sat service, it was preached that we, in our spiritual walk, can be likened to coals. Red-hot, or almost burnt-out... or worse, lukewarm.
I cannot get the words out of my head. Thus, been thinking about coals.

During this weekend, I prayed for more friends who can guide me spiritually.

All along it's always been Travis, with occassional insight from Knarf, and recently, Snowman. But I need more, more people to help me climb out of the mire and into a new place.

It's been an amazing weekend.

And right after saturdayservice, Jelly smiled at me.

He's also one of those people who have impacted my life so, by doing something beautiful for me, something I never thought he - or anyone, would do.

When I broke up early this year, on that day itself, I smsed a few friends. I wasn't heartbroken really, but of course, kind of sad. Jelly immediately insisted that I call him - since he was free, having a break between study periods. I did not really want to, but he insisted, and that talk was a relief, a breaking down, and I'm touched to know that he really cared, for someone who was perhaps hurting but did not want to show it.

So, like an answer to prayer, Jelly asked me, what kind of coal did I think I was. He shared that he's definitely not burnt out, but not red-hot either. Something like lukewarm, he identified. And then happily said that he'd check on my progress (spiritual doings) the next week when we meet during saturdayservice. Such an answer to prayer.

Later that evening, I received an sms out of the blue from a girl friend musician in The Church. She wanted to meet the next day - and I also shared how she was an answer to my prayer then. God always answers my prayers - I am amazed how instantaneously he does!

It's important to have a positive response to the doings of God. No matter what, whether or not you were filled with the Holy Spirit, whether you believe in the power or not, give Him the respect that He is doing something in the lives of other people. And you can choose, for your own life, whether or not you want to participate in this. As long as we have a bit of Faith, God will use that little bit to shape us, transform us, and help us to be better leaders of tomorrow's world.

When I was being prayed for, all I said inside was, 'me, me, me.' Use me, Help me, speak to me.
Yes God, I want something more. I want something more.

God-willing

To fulfil God's will...

Found a vcd in the "Bible Series" - Jeremiah. With nothing much to do on a night like this, sat down to watch it with my wee brother. Interestingly enough, the role of Jeremiah was played by one of today's more popular and famous tv actors, "McDreamy", Patrick Dempsey (In Gray's Anatomy, Dr Derek Shepherd.) This was a much younger Patrick, and his performance is superb. Couldn't have recognized him though - only the eyes.

I think the story of Jeremiah draws many interesting parallels with today's society, and the show prompts me to look into the Bible and read it again. I sympathize most with the King, Zedekiah - he is not portrayed as an evil and cruel man, but rather, one who goes with the times and also prays, but don't seem to recognize God's voice or messenger. In the end, he repents... but it is too late. Also Jeremiah gives up his family and love, to serve God. Not an easy task as he is punished and in prison... being young, as well... he asks God not to choose him... but he is obedient to God's word. You can say that he is someone who follows God's will. And even dares to speak it out infront of a hostile crowd, people who will say that he is a false prophet, that he is a fool. He is tormented by them, and hurt physically, yet he still speaks, for he believes God's word to be true.

I think that my life needs some of this medicine as well. Like the King, I also seek God. But sometimes, dare I say it, only for my own selfish purposes. I serve Him because I like to... but if He asks me to do something for Him, forsaking my desires, and my family, would I dare obey? The theme of God's will runs throughout the whole show as the fall of Judah to Babylon is because of a whole nation's turning away from God.

What is God's will? For years men have asked of God. Me, too.

I have asked God for His will concerning my life. I have even asked for visions of the future, and small selfish prayers... He has answered every single one of them, even those that does not really matter. So God has been faithful. But if I am asked to speak for God, of God, do I dare to?
And why am I running away, once again, from the position He has called me for?

I remember that once, not so long ago, God said that I will speak up for His people, just as Jeremiah did. Maybe I know these people, their lives and ways more intensely than others. But am I to speak to them? I've seen His words change lives. I am saddened, even disgusted at times by the stupid situations we put ourselves into, all because of superficial emotions like loneliness or in desperation. I wish I could speak, but often I remain silent...not because I don't dare to... simply, I can't be bothered to. After all, does it really matter? Do I make a difference? I remember once when shown by the Holy Spirit, Jong's past sins (That I had to tell him so that he could make a clean break and serve God, after healing and deliverance) ...I told him gently and he was shocked that I could have such insight on his life. Nothing happened after that though...perhaps it is not up to me to change his will, but at least I have spoken about it.

God's will...lately, I pondered upon this. What could be better for us than to follow His will? I am unbelieving! If you know God's will for your life, would you pray to reject it, then choose the life that you want to lead? Sometimes I really doubt that God knows what is best for me! Every path that I've so chosen is unconventional to say the least. Should I take the conventional path in one of the areas He so decides, just to fulfil some part of His will in my life and possibly the lives of many others. Or if I do not choose so, will I come to this path eventually...or totally have something else for my life?

Sigh. (I've also been sighing a lot recently.) Some heartaches are easier to avoid than to live them... But maybe stubborn me wants to live them out... and see my mistakes repeated, as usual!

I know that my Destiny is mine to take, and keep... I am aware of the steps I must take.
Just that I don't want to take them right now? Like Jeremiah, I'm still young. I can wait 2 years, or later... Just let me do the things I wanna do first. Live on the gray line. Walk on the wild side, whatever it's called. Fling around. Try some drinks. Or maybe visit Bovida at St James' first, before I get old. I want to earn more money. Invest more first. Etc... Kinda worried He will call me, before I am ready. What will my response be?

I don't want to be someone great...choose someone else. At least until I am ready.