finagled

Here Kitteh Kitteh...

MrCheerful wrote a quite-not-so cheerful poem on FB. I'm glad I met him because through (his writings) I am reminded that once, before my depressive state last year, I too, wrote poems of that nature, and short stories.

When I browse back; through my poems, I am reminded again of the intensity of the feelings I felt before, and the reason for writing them. Am not sure if it's the same for him, but putting down those intense feelings into a poem of sorts brings a closure for me. It's like the whole love episode culminates in a poem which brings release of those powerful and scary feelings that ruled your head, and your heart. And what he wrote reminded me of what I used to, maybe not the same style, but surely, in the same context. I'm glad that I've met him, really, someone that fascinates me. Told him I'd consider naming my son after him. So besides my boss, my best friend Zero, and Ches, (all of them have nice guys' names by the way and they have a strength of character, too) he has some serious competition. It's nice to name your kids after people you've known and liked, rather than some weird name or a common name like 'jonathan'. Which I do like, by the way.

MrCheerful's poem also reminded me that sometimes it's nice not to forget, or just to remember, that you once had intense feelings, that you once...loved. I actually hope I am able to love, again, at least with the intensity that I used to feel.

So this week I have had many people reminding me of a love topic which is quite amazing. A sign! Stupid Killer Whale proclaimed emphatically, 'you are not ready to settle down.' Maybe he's right, but I still don't like the way he said it. I don't wish to analyze his relationship, but if I was his girlfriend, I would be quite upset that he is not 'at that stage' yet, they are attending a marriage prep course...baffled. I asked him which stage was he at, maybe the 'before, before' stage?

I met Apostle today, somehow I love talking to him because he is so encouraging and creative. He's about the same age as Killer Whale, early 30s, yet they are in such different phases. Apostle is married and has 2 young kids, also doing his own biz. Killer Whale is not even in the stage to propose...oh well.
I can't judge him for reasons only he knows...one reason why I like older guys is because they are in the right mindset, but Killer Whale is no better than my mid-20s male counterparts!

Apostle told me that when I'm yielded to God, only He will know who's best for you, and no one knows how the other's going to be like in, say, 10 years from now. Only God knows and only He has the supernatural insight to know who's best for you for your whole life. Seeing my 'cold feet' at sharing the truth with TBO, instead of saying 'I'm not ready to settle down' like Killer Whale, he instead insightfully said that, it's actually good that I have a reluctance, because that would lead me to make mature decisions in this area instead of following my emotions. Wow. I was so encouraged! Because a part of me also chatised myself for the reluctance, which I felt that it was bad... It's always nice to have different perspectives from people and a positive approach is always welcomed.

And when the day is particularly bad, I always can find nice things to make me smile, and keep smiling... like on FB, me and MrCheerful (still) keep 'walling' each other - I do wonder how long that will last though! And thinking about his offer to pluck hummingbirds feathers to tickle me is just too hilarious. There are hummingbirds in Singapore, meh?

This week, it's nice not to forget.

Dysthymia - being alive, but not living. Merely existing.

Today was a bad day.
I can't describe how scary it is waking up and living your life day by day, not knowing if today, I am myself... or I am just living in a shell of sorts. Feeling faint physically, not able to function well at work or at any other thing. I'm scared I'm going crazy, talking about my feelings only makes it worse... ... I feel like quitting all the time, just staying at home and sleeping. I have atypical depressive symptoms - putting on weight (which I'm actually happier about it, I have a cleavage now. I have never had a cleavage so am amused with it.) - although my face seems thinner. Sleeping a lot, and then cycles of not being able to sleep at all. The sleep seems to be a dark black hole, just falling into it and not feeling safe at all, just lost, and drowsy for the whole day. If I let myself fall into it, I 'blackout' for at least 2 hours.

Some decisions in life, either way you choose, it will be just bad. How can I choose to stop something which started out good, in order for me to recover? And just leave someone in the lurch? I'm not like this. And I thought that it would be worth it to have things 'back the way they were', at the expense of my own physical and emotional health.

And I can't stop my mind so either I just cry or sleep. Wish I could sleep and when I wake up everything will be all right... ...

It's over.

Well, I've 'snapped' out of my depressive state. =)

This is what I wrote a week ago:
I'm not a strong person.
I'm scared to wake up everyday, not knowing what the day brings. Some days are just 'bad' days when I just cannot wake up and I 'blackout' for two more hours, all the while setting my brain off into strange loopy dreams and imaginations that seem half-real. If this is my mind in a drugged, tranquil state, then I don't want to know what it is like in reality.

I've always thought I have a high tolerance level to life's ups and downs. I've always thought I can help people. But now, it doesn't seem that I can do anything right. I chose to take the path of least resistance. But I am resisting inside.

I've always valued the process of understanding people, values, thoughts, ideas.

And now, having gone through something like this myself, I can understand better, how people get depressed. One of my cell members had a day-checkup at IMH for depression as well. (He authorized me to share his story with anyone who needed encouragement, so.) I can understand why some people wait so long - too long, to get help. Even if they share to others, they will feel that nobody understands them. For me, I'm just so scared to stay alone at home, because then I would have weeping spells, feel sad for no reason - it sounds dumb, but it's a real thing that I have experienced. I knew I couldn't carry on like this - maybe I'm emotionally weak, but I took medication and it was so so much better. I'm actually someone who doesn't like to ask for help, so I felt really weak and worthless and small when I just had to depend on my friends. I think it's important for all of us to seek help, before it's ... too late. My sister mentioned that most of the patients in IMH (she interned there as a nursing student) are all highly intelligent - some are doctors. But they/their mental state cannot face up to reality. When people ask them what they are doing there, they say they are there for a holiday... it's really sad, and I'm glad that this time round I looked for help. I had a depressive episode once 2 yrs ago. I guess the chemicals of the brain misfire once in a while. And trust me, I still remember those miserable feelings. And I can't imagine how it would be being miserable everyday. I try to understand, and it's scary sometimes to want to seek help, not knowing how the medication would affect your brain, or have side effects on your body. Not knowing how people would look at you and not wanting people around you to worry. Feeling so... disengaged, so disillusioned.

It's no one's fault when you are depresssed, nor can you blame it on one trigger or being 'weak'. To me it's a way of dealing with your emotions, the way your body chose to. Having a support group is very important too. I can't say that I'm fully OK, or that it's a choice to walk out of it, ask any depressed person and they will tell you they want to, but they just can't, you know. It takes more than just self-will and sheer mental positivity, really.

Through the ups and downs of life, I'm glad for God's presence. Sometimes it's hard to hear God. It doesn't mean He doesn't love you.