when you like him too much, it's hard not to act like an idiot

Me, and my cell dudes. Can you believe they are 20!

Continuing on about the changes in my life, I guess many people have good reasons to make changes this year. The newspaper is talking about how, we can take a breather this year and do what we have missed out on in our daily hectic work schedules. Like new, inexpensive hobbies... We can now afford to fly to places which was beyond our means, now.

I'm going to land of Oz in May, and I bought plane tickets to KL for transit... at $1. $1!!!

$1!!!

Including the tax and all, return tickets to KL is less than S$70. I paid for the Oz tickets in RM, it's S$441 for the return tickets. *cheep cheep*

It's my first time flying up to KL and I'm excited!

Also, Palmer, my trustworthy Treo companion of 3+ years has finally decided to give up living, so I got a new phone after so long, and spent some time transferring contacts from Palmer to the SIMcard... I realised that there are so many names in my phone book whom I don't really remember who they are - and I don't really want to keep them around, like old baggages.

I told Mr A that my MrBestFriend, is 'no longer around' - which sounds morbid (Mr A thought he was six feet under), but what I meant was that 'he was no longer around, for me.' After the year we spent, it seems that my social life is horribly emptied of someone who supports you 'in every endeavor'; no matter how cliche it may sound. Of course, I'd always have Kie - and he'd always have me too (in his wallet... and around our prata haunt anytime!!!) but it's just different; to have someone who understands you in a way that you want to share more of your life with them, and hold on, and become stronger, and braver in the process of sharing your all-too human thoughts with them. We are living in the grace of God, but sometimes we walk out of it a little. And it's those times that I need someone to chide me, someone to tell me to continue on for the best.

So although MrBestFriend no longer has a place in my life through his own undoing, I found myself staring at his handphone (and house) number in my phone, and was in the valley of indecision whether to 'export contact to SIM', to my new handphone. In the end, I decided that...

Although...after all that has happened,

I still added him as a contact.

I guess...

Deep down in our hearts there is still a capacity to remember the 'good times', taking the good times with the bad.

And maybe I have a secret wish that things could go back to the way they were before.

==

I've realised that through conversations with Mr A's aunt, I've gotten to know so much about this guy that would otherwise be very scary if not for the fact that I do care, more than he knows, and I know more than he can imagine.

It's not about how much you know, but how much you care. And through strange orchestrations, through the 'rain' and the bad things that has happened this year, something good came out of it.

If not for the fact that we had a photo taken together at a young adults' event, I wouldn't have added him into my 'social network'. And if not for the fact that my ex-employee disappeared and owed me munny, leaving me in horror, I would not have poured out to him - at the point of time where I felt that I needed someone to tell...and a stranger seems better, sometimes. So... now, I have a crush on this Mr A. This is not normal, the fact that he still pops into my mind despite my usually strong willpower to 'stop it'. I feel like telling him random things, interesting things... but when I see him, it usually renders me speechless. I want so much to just connect with him and spend long balmy afternoons just sharing, but it seems almost like a faraway dream. And for the life of me, I don't know why I am feeling like this!!! It is supposed to be a fleeting feeling, based on a fleeting emotional attachment on my part because of a stressful, traumatic experience.

Yet having recovered, I find my thoughts frequently wander to him. Each time I walked past the area where he worked- and that was pretty often, for my work; I would wonder to myself, if I would bump into him like some cheesy Korean drama plot. Sigh.Some things just can't be explained. Like why do some fish lay eggs and others just give birth? Hmm.

And when a woman likes someone that much, she starts to think about other things in life.

Everyone has a plan, a timeframe in which they wanna do stuff.

Like, 'I want to own my first car before 30'...Or, 'I want to have kids before 35'. Places to go to. Hobbies to master, like golf...cooking...extreme sports. A girl can dream. But when a woman has these feelings, it is a very powerful catalyst.

I find myself being...braver. Maybe doing things or considering doing things I've never done before. Definitely, more consultations with God about my life. Definitely, more cleaning up of the past issues. Definitely, more conscious about the way I behave with guys - more polite, and less mannish... haha.

As I've told my dear Tagteam friend who is now a Mom - that, knowing both MrBestFriend, with his snazzy charm and languid eyes, and Mr A, I've realised that... MrBestFriend (at that time) is playing with my mind, but Mr A has captured my heart.

A woman's heart is fragile, and dangerous. Fragile because once it is given away, a broken heart does not mend easily. Dangerous, because it hardly forgets, pain and suffering. Although that is what makes a heart stronger in the process of releasing those feelings...

Ah...is anybody feeling this way too?

convoluted

It's been crazy days.
I'm glad to be alive, and healthy... protected in God's umbrella despite the financial turmoil - seems to be doing good for my co. Maybe my biz is recession-proof, but I also feel for those who have been hit. Some of my clients are selling their land - something they should hold onto because land prices don't dip, but I guess I understand that they do need the spare funds, or are withdrawing it for a purpose.

I'm so tired - over tired, thanks to the insomnia I've been having lately plus the long hours standing on my feet. The long hours on feet, thanks to lots of jobs that suddenly popped up. I'm filming EVERY weekend - I think I can take a months' leave in Dec/Jan... plus the long hours talking to people? Scoping out places? Trying to make sure everything goes smoothly - *tired laughter. It's hard to smile or make others smile for the camera when all you can think of is... other things, haha. It's hard to sleep when someone/somethings/someone and somethings suddenly pops into your mind as if it has hired a small little elf to shout at you, saying, hey, 'HERE' is what you're supposed to think about. And although you encourage your mind not to think about it, it does exactly the opposite; so without resorting to drastic measures like hypnosis, you just let it wander until you fall into a dreary, gray, empty restless shell of sleep which is rudely awakened all too soon by the relentless pounding of upgrading going on under my staircase landing...

It's hard to remain positive when you're tired.

Worse still, missing someone/something/someone and somethings. (Actually I miss lots of things... my bed, my sleep, my Melaka, my bestfriend, my msbestfriend, my unaching body, my formerly eyebagleseyes...my sanity...)

My trusted secrets-keeper Kie is still away so no one to use as a punching bag, I mean confidante...No, I don't have much secrets, just horrific stories about my purely evil thoughts...

Rant.

On another note my new colleague who sits behind me (we are both facing walls), who also faces extremely stressful projects like meee, is acting kinda cute and cheeky. I think the stress brings out the chirpy cute side of him because he doesn't seem to be so cute...He makes funny sounds when stressed, complains in a one-liner on msn, eats The Boss' cookies; and today, said 'goodnight darling' in french. Hee... amused.

changed

You can't control the way you feel.
At least, I've realized that recently.

How some people make you feel better, think deeper, smile more. I feel like I just want to stay connected, to constantly meet and interact with these people in my life. They give me something to look forward to on long killer work weeks. And I'm not beating myself up for that. I read that:

The principle of love says that you can accelerate your growth by creating more compatible connections and withdrawing from incompatible connections. Connections can be with people, places, objects, activities, or ideas.

Everything you connect with in life will either empower you or drain you. The connections that are most compatible with you will energize you. The least compatible connections will drain you.

For example, if you have a close, loving relationship with a highly compatible partner, that relationship will energize and empower you more often than not. But if you find yourself stuck in a relationship with someone who's a poor match for you, that relationship will drain you and cause you to stagnate. You're better off alone than being stuck in a relationship that drags you down. But better still is to enjoy a relationship with someone who energizes and uplifts you.

Fortunately, we aren't stuck with our existing connections. We can consciously chose to break off connections that aren't working, and we can form new connections we think will be more compatible. This can require some experimentation. You may not know which connections will suit you best, so you'll need to branch out and experience new people, places, and activities to learn what's most compatible with you.

One day, I hope that I can give this kind of powerful love to someone in my life who needs me most. CJ asked me this week, whether or not I consider myself successful. I think, as I chatted with him, that it depends on your definition of success. If it is to earn and have a million dollars by age 35, I don't think I will be successful. I half-jokingly (half-seriously) told him that maybe my idea of success is to be married by 30 and have 2 kids, settle down... and I will be happy.

But for people like us I think that perhaps only that is not enough.

Maybe we want a million dollars and a happy family. Maybe we think we can achieve more, and more is STILL not enough. (Right, CJ? Mr Workaholic...) I like chatting with CJ. Sometimes it makes me ponder on life issues, sometimes it just messes with my mind. I'm always in a quandary to decide which suits me better, I like to mess with his mind too!

He encouraged me last week to tell TBO... the truth, and it shall set us/me free. And I wondered DEEPLY what was stopping me from telling TBO. Perhaps, it is my love for him that makes me fear, that I cannot handle his response - or non-response. Drats.

And similar to CJ, TBO does not believe in 'the best one', so... it might not bode well for my expecting an enthusiatic response on his side. But I have settled in my heart to tell him, finally; when I meet him. (Although, I may not have the guts to.)

I realized, that whatever the outcome may be, I will still be cheerful, TBO or TBO-less. CJ replied with a deep thought (via sms) that as long as I have God, I will be happy.

I cheekily said that, Nooo. I need money and love, too...

We have been talking about money and love lately. Which do YOU prefer? I think all of us want to have both, isn't it? But at some point of time you need one more than the other and only having one or the other may make you even more miserable. Your preference also depends on where it is coming from, some people have it good, money AND love coming from the same place... hahaha!


The elusive TBO...who has no idea what storm is brewing his way...

It's over.

Well, I've 'snapped' out of my depressive state. =)

This is what I wrote a week ago:
I'm not a strong person.
I'm scared to wake up everyday, not knowing what the day brings. Some days are just 'bad' days when I just cannot wake up and I 'blackout' for two more hours, all the while setting my brain off into strange loopy dreams and imaginations that seem half-real. If this is my mind in a drugged, tranquil state, then I don't want to know what it is like in reality.

I've always thought I have a high tolerance level to life's ups and downs. I've always thought I can help people. But now, it doesn't seem that I can do anything right. I chose to take the path of least resistance. But I am resisting inside.

I've always valued the process of understanding people, values, thoughts, ideas.

And now, having gone through something like this myself, I can understand better, how people get depressed. One of my cell members had a day-checkup at IMH for depression as well. (He authorized me to share his story with anyone who needed encouragement, so.) I can understand why some people wait so long - too long, to get help. Even if they share to others, they will feel that nobody understands them. For me, I'm just so scared to stay alone at home, because then I would have weeping spells, feel sad for no reason - it sounds dumb, but it's a real thing that I have experienced. I knew I couldn't carry on like this - maybe I'm emotionally weak, but I took medication and it was so so much better. I'm actually someone who doesn't like to ask for help, so I felt really weak and worthless and small when I just had to depend on my friends. I think it's important for all of us to seek help, before it's ... too late. My sister mentioned that most of the patients in IMH (she interned there as a nursing student) are all highly intelligent - some are doctors. But they/their mental state cannot face up to reality. When people ask them what they are doing there, they say they are there for a holiday... it's really sad, and I'm glad that this time round I looked for help. I had a depressive episode once 2 yrs ago. I guess the chemicals of the brain misfire once in a while. And trust me, I still remember those miserable feelings. And I can't imagine how it would be being miserable everyday. I try to understand, and it's scary sometimes to want to seek help, not knowing how the medication would affect your brain, or have side effects on your body. Not knowing how people would look at you and not wanting people around you to worry. Feeling so... disengaged, so disillusioned.

It's no one's fault when you are depresssed, nor can you blame it on one trigger or being 'weak'. To me it's a way of dealing with your emotions, the way your body chose to. Having a support group is very important too. I can't say that I'm fully OK, or that it's a choice to walk out of it, ask any depressed person and they will tell you they want to, but they just can't, you know. It takes more than just self-will and sheer mental positivity, really.

Through the ups and downs of life, I'm glad for God's presence. Sometimes it's hard to hear God. It doesn't mean He doesn't love you.

One of my guy friends told me last week that his heart's been shattered into a million pieces. It sounds terrifying, coming from him, because he is a logical, calm, cool, collected, quiet person. To imagine him having such intense emotions would be impossible, for me. Just the other day we were looking with anticipation for the future of his heart's desire... ...and now, it all seems so bleak and pensive. Being emotionally down these days, almost depressive, has helped me to see things a bit differently. I feel more for people. And when they share about their emotions, I really can understand and feel the way they do. I never used to be able to, feel things other people do.

I asked God what should the outcome of things be, and how does He want me to be... I just want to let the unimportant things of my life go, and I've been thinking a lot about how we fill up our time with meaningless and insignificant activities. How we have been so wasteful in our lifetime, when we could have saved more money and done more for the environment. Having lunch with Creampuff, once a week, is something I look forward to. We will always eat at this foodcourt, and because he doesn't have much income due to his huge debts, he doesn't splurge on food and doesn't buy drinks to save... I followed his actions recently, eating at the same stall, bringing my purple nalgene waterbottle along...and it was so liberating. I don't really know how to explain the feeling, but it's a sense of achievement-like feel, being able to give a shit about people, and not putting them down, or the small little things they do to achieve more independence and financial freedom, like eating at food court everyday and saving to pay their family's debts.

I admire and respect people like Smallbiscuit... her family has debts too, low income, and her sister was sharing with me, about the deficit in their electricity bills. I knew they had a time when the electricity was cut off and they had to go around by candlelight at night. Their little income is not enough to pay for the debt, so month by month, little by little, they slowly paid it off and recently, they had a zero balance instead of a negative one. I rejoiced along with them, but at the same time, I realised that I had been so frivolous, spending on unnecessary luxuries, when Smallbiscuit had to work on weekends on top of her already exhausting daily work, saving every penny for the bills. Maybe, as Huntley said, when I have more commitments, I would be motivated to work harder and earn and save more. And in life, the people who have gone through this kind of hardships are the ones with backbone, with character. This year, I have learnt a lot of things about money, and I hope that what I've learnt this year will bear fruit in the next two, and I will have a sustainable wealth then.

I'm glad for these souls in my life, now, more than ever, I begin to see the value I place on these people and will hope that they are my friends for this lifetime. And I respect the way they share - their lives are not easy, but through it all, they have this indomitable spirit that gives them the energy to go on. Calbee asked me how come I sound so optimistic and cheery, not knowing that only a few hours before, I was sobbing relentlessly... last week. I am inspired by the friends I have, how they remain positive inspite of their troubles.

I've realised one reason why I am sad - and angry. At myself... Because I cherish the times spent, with Muffin; but I never had the realization of the value it has on my life. Some people have said, perhaps both of us spent too much time together and each had different expectations, so this backfired on us. I never thought it was too much time, ... I actually wished it would last longer. I feel so helpless when it comes to talking about how I feel and even sustaining a deep communication with him, maybe I'm still guarded, maybe it's because I feel that I have to be something I'm not in front of him... I just wanted to help, because I care. But I know that I'm not the one who can help, and I cannot help him. That with or without me, he will still be the same.

But a part of me wishes that if the outcome was different, that I could have made a difference, and I know it...Then, I would give my all to help. Zero asked me to count the cost, is it worthwhile for my life to give all to help this one person? For this one, it is worth it. I feel bad that I am not able to overcome my feelings. But in time, I will. I believe that there will be a point in time where I can just look at him and not remember how lousy I feel. Eventually.

i remember

Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.

It has been a rough week.

Zero, your love for Star moves me. I wish I am like you, that I have this capacity to love someone - to see her happy makes you happy and you will want her to be happy at your expense...how you can love as deep as that, I do not know. And maybe that is why you are depressed now; because you have loved her for years. I know I've said that I would have liked the old Zero; a lot, now - but in the past, I would have taken you for granted and not even wanted to be close. Because of who you are now, and because of who I am now, I treasure your presence in my life even more. I wish I had someone to love me, the way you loved her. And I know you are moving on, and it will all get better, with time.

So, me and Zero are still singing songs this week. Soppy 90s songs.
But me, been crying like shit.

I never wanted to write about any unhappy moments. Maybe I'm being a bit too idealistic, but that's the way I value happiness. It's not my way to mar the happy memories with the unhappy ones. But sometimes, things in life are bittersweet. Bittersweet. A new word I've learnt this week. When you can't find a way to describe the good, and the bad. It's crazy to keep crying everyday, I know I should deal with my feelings. But how? Engage in prayer sessions? Peruse self-help books? Talk to the person at hand? Or just forget about it? Can someone tell me how to cope.

I get lonely every saturday because I miss the hours I've spent talking with Muffin, about God, about us, about life. How do I cope with these feelings?

I feel angered and sad, because, I believe partly that is is not him who reacts like this, that somehow, a deep part of him really cared, and treasured the times we've spent together, the way I did. Other times, I wonder if he doesn't give a damn and he's been doing this to other girls, and he will continue to do this to other girls after me, that I'm one of the many who have been 'controlled'...and I wish, I wish that all the times we had, meant something to him. I wanted to ask him if it did, it would make me happy if it did... Yet, when I see him, still the same, that it has not affected him in the least, a part of me dies and I know that, things can't go back 'to the way it was'; and it perhaps may never will. No matter how mature we think we are, or how spiritual we need ourselves to be, we still need to deal with our feelings first. I have so many questions to ask Muffin, yet I fear, that it will all come to naught. I cannot forget, I remember all the things we spoke about, all the times we shared; and because I remember the bad with the good, the hurt with the joyl; because I remember, that is why I am still angered, and sad.

Where matters of the heart are concerned, the heart calls for sincerity.

What a contrast from the world in which we live in; a world that does not value honesty. This world values good looks - but not too good - if you are as good looking as Zero, you are often hated, just because of the way you look. You must be good looking, but not TOO good. Like too much of a good thing, unfortunately it often backfires on him, and also on his friendships because he can never be certain if the person's concern for him is genuine.

For the rest of us who are not blessed/cursed with supermodel looks, thank God.

Few of us care to admit it, but we are changed by the people we fall in love with.

Even though the person is very similar to you. And definitely if the person is your exact total opposite, something I've failed to realise. Because in trying to make him more like yourself, you are asking him to make you more like him, and in doing so, both may lose their sense of self and the reason why they love each other in the first place. Such are the fragilities of love.

I've thought about it and, yes, I have to admit, I have been changed. Very much so. For the better. At the time of my life when I felt like I was slipping away and no one really cared, God placed an angel in my life to safeguard me from all of Life's worries.

And then the angel shared some of Life's adventures with me. If you ask me how this story works out, I honestly do not know. Inevitably, or strangely, unlike myself, I find myself developing unusual feelings. Sigh. It's been a long time now. Sometimes I wonder if I was not here and vice versa, would things still be like this, or somehow our lives would never have entwined, never have had the chance to meet, and clash, like iron sharpens iron, like a catalyst of two different substances, sparking each other? I wonder if God has a hand in all of this and I know He does. It's tough for me, being me. I have to surrender, to release these feelings to God everyday. It's not that I don't want it, but I don't want to do things that are not in His will again. For now, and forever till the day I die, I want to live, free, in God's will, God's best plan for my life. Hopelessly devoted.

It's an urban legend that 'thinkers' don't know what they are feeling, or don't cry, or don't have much feelings.

Oblivion

Another 'curse' of the highly intelligent.

SOMETIMES ITS BETTER TO REMAIN IN OBLIVION!!!

One of Spiritedly's theories is that highly intelligent people don't need to sleep a lot, that is why, more hours awake means they can read stuff, watch tv and just expand their brain matter while they are not in dreamland...

Which means Spiritedly is not really highly intelligent because, eh, I need to sleep a lot. Hey my job is not just about drinking frappes at Starbucks and showing people photos of land, okay. It's tiring to talk all the time and walk from place to place. A full day gets me really exhausted. Yup. I sleep at least 8 hours to make up for it. Sleeping more makes you slimmer too. You don't eat as many meals and you don't get as hungry. (I don't think that correlates to highly intelligent people being slightly fatter, but hey, that's a thought worth socioeconomizing.)

Actually sometimes it's fun acting dumb. =) Sometimes, its fun when I'm not acting, too. See how many times Muffin can roll his eyes at me.

==

I believe in intentional oblivion.
It seems simpler sometimes not to keep asking God, "Why!?!" (Sometimes I ask God, "WTH!@#$$!%%!" heh heh) and be in the Doris Day mode. Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be, will be. So it will be.

In Singaporeanized terms. "WHY LIKE THIS? WHY LIKE THAT?" "LIKE THAT, LOR." With an air of nonchalance that the 'lor' permeated explains everything, neccesitates all semblances of questions to a minimal sense of being like the woody texture on a tree, or that newspapers are always sized newspaper size. Like that, lor.

Sigh.

If we keep questioning things, we will one day go crazy, or else find that our heads are consumed by thoughts that we no longer seem to be in this world.

But sometimes when feelings overwhelm you, it's good to keep questioning. Yes! Keep on doing it, in a godly manner of course. Contemplate why do we have such desires or strong emotions about certain people, certain places, certain situations. A well-thought out life is a better life.

And sometimes I think my thoughts are all written on my face. I think I show a look of guilt at times if people can read my mind. Heh. Not that I am a sexual deviant or something, I just think hilarious thoughts about people and situations and people being in situations sometimes, I just snigger to myself. Or laugh out loud, if I am in a generous mood.

But if we think about too much things, it makes us worrisome as well. Like what's the next step. Am I doing it right this time? What do I say next? And... I think, it somehow makes us lose our sense of self. It's far better to just relax and enjoy the simple things in Life, sometimes. Debates are for philosophers. Internal debates are for people with deep thoughts on their mind, like me. Haha!

I really want to ask God, how would I know whether a feeling is real, that it will last, and whether it's mutual or are we all just playing a game, showing a facade, refusing to let ourselves go because it seems the more mature and godly thing to do?

Some feelings last a long time but it seems the wiser choice to let it go.
Still, one can't help but wonder, 'what if'.

Life is too short to have too many 'what ifs' to contemplate. That way, we are not really living, only thinking. The story plays out in our minds, but it is a sad story if it does not beckon reality to envelop it.

So I wonder. And wait. And pray.

==

What the age needs is not a genius - it has had geniuses enough, but a martyr, who in order to teach men to obey would himself be obedient unto death. What the age needs is awakening. And therefore someday, not only my writings but my whole life, all the intriguing mystery of the machine will be studied and studied. I never forget how God helps me and it is therefore my last wish that everything may be to his honour.

– Søren Kierkegaard, 20 Nov 1847.

folie a deux

Folie à deux


It's been said that highly intelligent people are often unhappy.

I'm sure dealing with people of a lower intelligence can be frustrating. =P

Actually through understanding your world, I am in a better position to understand my own. Even if it's only on the basis of the fact that we come from totally different worlds, hence the presumption that it would be one of the main factors why we disagree, so much, so often, and about almost everything. Spiritual agendas aside, our thought processes and the way we view life is perhaps entirely different.

Everybody has certain rules they set in their life to make sense of the world. Some are unacceptable by others, some are deemed irrational and insensible by many.

That is why maybe I don't seem to understand the seriousness of it all, I never take things that can be taken lightly seriously. I don't understand serious people because why take the humor off when a smile and a laugh is just so much better. I don't understand why you care about what people think about you or about me, spiritual aspect aside; because in my world, I never did care; and why should it be a matter of great importance, to you? To a certain extent I can never understand because I can never be you.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, the sweet simple times of just walking, or talking or a combination of daily activities which makes it nice. I enjoy walking by myself past The Bridge to The Office. I enjoy eating crab mayo wholemeal panini every week. Routines can be enjoyable and once it becomes you, it's hard to break them, or separate ourselves from them. Just the way Your Car is Your Car, in our hearts we have an infinite attachment to people, places and things and it does get us upset if we learn suddenly that that's not to be, anymore. When we get to Heaven, we would no longer have such feelings, of negativity, of suffering, of a life that is filled with worry, filled with frustration because we are made too good and too highly intelligent to make sense of the world so much that it tortures our minds and we have to form certain rules to make our Life have a semblance of normality.

No one is normal.

All my life, I've tried to fit in socially, and I can say that although I am quite adept at it, sometimes I feel like I don't understand it at all.

That is why I understand the torment you go through mentally. Though I cannot say I understand it perfectly. Understanding means living the life, walking in the footprints, relating to the psyche. How do you know I don't feel what you feel.

The curse of highly intelligent people.

If people like me sometimes wish for a simpler life, for people to just know what they are thinking and say it, what they are feeling and not psyche themselves otherwise, then maybe people like you would not wish for others to be highly intelligent - because honestly in this fallen world, looks, status(prestige that comes with money) and social standing(sportsmen) are more valued than brains and Nobel prize winners. So intelligence counts for nothing. It's a curse because people will despise you anyways. Even if you are a success, you will feel like a failure, because each time you set a top score, there will be someone smarter beating you in an instant.

I am jaded, so I ask "Why bother?" But you care, so you ask, "What did I do wrong?"

There is no wrong feelings or right feelings, just positive or negative ones. Sometimes through the disagreements, I become a better person. Because I am able to be unselfish, to put my negative feelings aside, and help both of us become stronger, wiser, and less irritating to each other. It's a blessing in itself to realise that.

To do it, that takes BRAVERY.


Folie á deux, a condition in which symptoms of a mental disorder occur simultaneously in two individuals who share a close relationship or association.

Pure

Poem, copyright mine.
Promised myself to pick up on my poetry again. So I wrote two today, here's the better one.

Give me innocence
Show me frailty
All I can see in the eyes of a child
I am spinning, my heart aching
To hear you say what you meant
But, perhaps...
You never really wanted to see me
All you wanted was a little piece of heaven in a floating paper boat
A kiss means, many things
Yours meant love - or at least, I thought it was.

Take to open skies
With outstretched arms
Believe I can fly, believe anything you want
For a moment, just breathing
Smell love smell air and fresh green grass
Now any ways...
I am walking on a lonely pavement
But, perhaps
I can imagine it is not so cold anymore.

Show me innocence
Show me anything
I don't know what I want
I only know what I don't...