bbq

xi nu ai le

whippet

focus on the apple!

movies movies

Failure

What is your definition of success?

Realised that so many people are talking about this topic. Even Church has a series on it. Success. Getting to mean so many things to so many people today.

Previously when I was young, Singaporeans' definition of success is the 5Cs. Cash, Credit Card, Car, Condo, Country Clubs. Many took up golf just because it defines your social status. I remember long luxurious holidays in Malaysia, soaking up the sun on beaches with white sands... Whether or not you can afford weekend golfing trips. How many cards you had - being approved by Amex was a big thing, and even bigger was a supp card (for us underaged then...)

Now the word success means so much more.
Cutie asked me two days ago : Am I a failure?

I replied emphatically, YES! But your definition of having failed determines your success. Read about so many people failing and failing and yet, they are respected. Because of their attitude towards failure. My Trainer, P.Gordon, says that he is not concerned for those who have not reached success yet. He is more concerned for those who have their successes too easily.

One of the few friends from college I keep in touch with is getting married this year. Minh was the top student of my year 2 class who scored top distinctions. But to the horror of most of us (and to the glee of some), she quit in second year to work for awhile. Not enough money to carry on her studies. After working for two years, she went back to school and graduated near the top. During her work stint, she met a nice guy and fell in love, and they are getting married. Minh has only worked a year. Same age as me, she is now saving hard for her wedding.

Tough life? I would think so. But Minh never complains, when others get their new clothes and comfy life so easy, and she has to work so hard and scrimp every penny for it. Her mother is a seamstress and her father sharpens scissors for a living. Yet she is the most positive, optimistic girl I've ever known. I remember the time when she volunteered to photostat some history notes for the whole class - a heavy stack of them. No one else would do the dirty deed. I helped her, it felt good to do something for people without being appreciated... And when times were hard, I encouraged her with kind words. She never thinks about herself, always helping others. I'm glad for the time I managed to be able to help her in some reports - an expertise I always had, now an asset for helping others. Getting married is no easy thing, especially when there are so many burdens on your mind. I wish her true happiness...

Success. I think that failure make you successful. Big Boss once said, someone should know (when they are successful), what made them successful. Otherwise they are not truly successful.

I wonder how many more failures are there for me? One thing I know for sure, no more failed relationships! haha.

We make a great team!

Very excited.

Me and the nice guy I've dated just started a blog... Not to write to each other those lovey-dovey sweet nothings (There, I'm cringing again!), just to pen down what is in our hearts, introspectively. Someone I can share anything to without much anxiety of him being immensely weighed down by all the deep sordid stuff, nor too emotionally affected. It's called "Meeting at the intersections" - a prayed that was prayed by someone and affirmed by us, from the start,
www.meetingattheintersections.blogspot.com

On my online forum, I think (or hope) my views have been respected...was pleased to receive a email from someone who asked my opinion on his relationship.

He wrote:

Hi!Thanks for responding to my post.

I hope not to be shitting on you as it may come out to be, so well, I will not unload everything on you. Or I hope not to!!!

Anyways, I have been after this woman for about 1/2 year already and well, we connected well since the beginning and it's not an initial thing as we have very much the same thing today and it's a lot deeper.

Thing is, she has depression and it makes it very hard for her to make a commitment towards us and well, in every other way she shows agreement but here she shys away. I know why and it's hard to live with I suppose.

But I am not giving up and well..... Anyways, I would like to know if you have friends like that? Who have been hurt before badly and now finds it hard to trust again. What did it take to overcome it?

It's all a little sketchy isn't it?
Anyway, I hope to hear from you. And u have a very good day!
regards, X.






And I replied:
Hey!

No worries.. I don't claim to be an expert of such matters, but maybe I just like to help people and offer my 2 cents' worth of advice.

You mentioned the girl in question has depression, is it being clinically treated? In my church I have had the opportunity to help some depressed people - and I was also depressed myself recently. It's very heartbreaking for me, because some of them could not snap out of it by THEMSELVES. First hand, my best friend(guy) 's ex girlfriend committed suicide because of her depression issues about a year ago. If you believe in God, I personally believe that depression cannot be treated by counseling alone, it must have a spiritual side to help to CURe it. Medicine does not work. Medicine only supresses. Talking it out does not work. The relief/results is only temporary and it will come back.

Only through God's help can anyone overcome depression.

For those who have been hurt before ... Humm... I believe everyone, even those who have never been in a relationship before, have emotional 'baggages' in their lives. Some more, some less... it's a matter of accepting that u have this issue and wanting to get rid of it. Thru out our lives, we have accumulated a lot of 'clutter' along the way. No matter what the issue is, you have pointed it out to her, she has to decide if she is going to live with it her entire life, or not. This is a decision only she can make for herself.

I'm glad that she has found someone who loves her enough to try to understand her problems and is willing to walk them thru. Your not giving up attitude is inspiring.

And... the nice guy I'm dating, replied:

I believe you are probably surprised how i get to know about your email and even responding to it..well, just to offer some suggestion if i'm welcomed.

sorry to hear about your situation with your girl or girl -to-be in any aspect, depression is never a person's choice or it can be as well. confusing as it may seem but its not exactly that difficult if sorted out carefully.

lets put in plain words, we are blessed with a thinking process and we are also blessed with emotions to feel and shower feelings. experiencing with these gifts can often time bring about joys and sometime pains as well. In fact, your girl is definitely not the only one who is in such a state, be it mild or severe - its still a state for concern and snapping outta it is important and it will help if the person involved is willing to keep an open heart and open mind about things around her/him.

i had also been wrapped up in multiple depression as well, be it from emotional setbacks or career challenges. and not matter how i prayed and try to snap outta it i can never, never...and i realised through a prayer and soul searching session, i had a revelation aka mental breakthrough of the term depressions - which is when you put emotions into your problem and everything just get gel up and thus matters gets worse or even outta hand.

I begun practicing to separate emotions and problems, even those heartbreaking ones and i must say it helps like no other ways. I.E if its a breakup and you cant handle it, separate your mind/thinking process from the emotional pains and solve this heartache like a cold issue...i practice it and it worked!!! well, you may say its takes the mind to know how the heart feels, yes you are not wrong..i had that struggle and i will suggest to isolate that part of your heart to single out the issue/s and take it out or simple 'kill' it. very academic it may seem but i bet you i works better than dwelling in it which it will become a mega snowball which will overrun the person.

In short, be a friend to her, listen and guide her. for now, just put your intentions aside, if you truly care for her well being because at this point in time, she needs an assuring friend more than she would in a boyfriend. Intentions and any romantic acts or words will only remind her of her fears and separates you both further than you can ever imagine.
Take care my friend.
Cheers!!

=)

Isn't that what I call an empowering couple ministry... can imagine we offer this service to people around us...In my opinion, we make a great team!

The Hotel and Cavenagh bridge in foreground

Across the river, Maybank Tower on a cloudy day

Full moon at Caltex House, night.

Sepia shots which brings out the mood

Big Five Test Results
Extroversion

62%
Orderliness

40%
Emotional Stability

82%
Accommodation

64%
Inquisitiveness

62%


The Big Five is currently the most accepted personality model in the scientific community. The Big Five emerged from the work of multiple independent scientists/researchers starting in the 1950s who using different techniques obtained similar results. Those results were that there are five distinct personality traits/dimensions. Here are your results on each dimension:
Extroversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, random, scattered, and fun seeking at the expense of structure, reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Emotional Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Accommodation results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex).
Inquisitiveness results were moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Head over heels

God's timing - the right timing. - Luke 01

Did not really want to blog words this month, but some things cannot be left unwritten in the journal of my life.

And, I am falling in love.

How is it possible, I might ask myself. A believer of rationality, I forsake my core thinker mode and let my emotions take rein of me. The person in question, a really sweet chap who charmed his way into my heart with his character and the way he loves God. How is it possible, that I would even consider something like this - if someone had told me this would happen, I'd laugh my head off. But in God's mysterious ways and wonderful timing, He allowed a little romance to come into my life - and now I am helplessly, beaming, tenderly, head over heels in love with someone special.

I knew exactly why he came into my life at this point of time. For me, reasons unknown, have always thought that I liked guys which were the 'engineer' pattern type. For years, I've been looking in the wrong direction only to realise recently that this pattern definitely do not like my type. You know. A bit toot and wears checked shirts. Quiet, analytical, computer people.

But recently, as I venture out into the corporate arena I realised that actually I'm attracted to extroverts with a dynamic personality. I always liked younger guys, younger than me even, but only recently I began to be more open towards older ones. Slowly, God is moving me to break even the tiny mindsets which I never knew I had. I asked God many times over the last year, why did I have these encounters which caused me to be so... strung up, so wound up... and now, I realised, it's to prepare me for the best one.

At the start of the year, I knew it's THIS YEAR that I wanted someone. Specifically I remember what I told my cell to pray for me. To pray for me, to fall in love with someone I can spend the rest of my life with. In the Leaders' cell, I shared to the group something which I had never shared before. My last relationship, 5 years ago. We had committed to each other promises we could never fulfil. I thought it best to go separate ways after 911. Now, I was in no-man's land. Literally. Though guy friends were plentiful, none were suitable. So, we prayed. And I remember something about 'meeting at the intersections' - Pel prayed, with others agreeing. Some found it strange that I would be so concerned about this matter - after all, I am on the young side, in fact many would say, 'still young, la'... Somehow I knew that this year, I wanted something to happen, and I was ready for it, though I could not possibly imagine how it could happen. This is one of the three 'big' prayer requests for my life this year.

And I met a nice guy.
Someone who is everything I've ever dreamed about and even wants to live in a shophouse.

He touched my heart when he shared that he prayed to God telling Him this is the girl he wanted to marry.

He touched my soul when he shared about his love for God, and feelings for me.

In matters of the heart I cannot say that I am fully experienced or know totally what I am feeling. But I believe that... God, this person is the best one for me.


je savais que je voulais l'epouser quand j'ai place la premiere fois mes yeux sur lui.

=)

Open sign at cafe under Six Battery

Streetlamps reflection on wet pavement

Hotel guy

Fullerton on a rainy day.

Art I like at Esplanade gallery

Florist at Raffles Place MRT - their flowers are the best!

Fullerton Hotel rainy, Cavenagh bridge at background

Warm lights at Holland V coffeeshop with church mates

The siberian husky's name is Lala...

And she has different colored eyes - blue and hazel

View from The Office window - Casino-to-be in background

Friday night hot date at Clarke Quay

Blueberry cheesecake on saturday Core meeting at Mad Jacks'.

Tree at Neeram Road - rainy day today

The Office, side corridor

First time touching guitar this year

A touch of romance between two cups

Moody shots

Love comes first

I've noticed...
Some people are so absorbed in work that they cannot find relationships, or is it the other way around - they cannot find relationships and so they get absorbed in work. Can I have both, please. I've seen many successful men and women who get to the top, often to find themselves single, lacking in that one aspect of life that seems to be the most important. After all, emotional bonding is a necessity. Love is a necessity, at least for me. I've seen people who function extremely well when feelings are not involved, yet get into a mess because they cannot fathom the emotions that seep deep into the abyss of their soul, something they have ignored for the longest time. Perhaps only when they are on an overseas trip, be it a holiday, or some traveling to be done, then the pangs of loneliness sets in and they look searchingly at the horizon, wondering if they have given up too much, or dreamed of too little.

I've met many eligible guys in their 30s, many nice single ladies, both in my office and outside, people I talk to, people I've come to be friends with. When it is no longer possible to be with someone who is totally right for you, are you willing to settle for less? And if there is no one you can possibly imagine spending the rest of your life with, would you want to spend it alone? Is there no alternative solution for our increasingly single society. It's not as if they do not want to get married, perhaps this has never really been an important agenda for them in the life with so-many-things-to-do. Yet I see wistful longings on their faces when I tell them excitedly about my youthful dreams of relationships and kids, of a husband that loves me. I see the pangs of loneliness on their faces when I gush to them about the dates I've been to, the guys I've seen. Perhaps in listening to a young girl's dreams they remember once, that they had the capacity to love, and be loved in return.

career path

Your Career Type: Enterprising

You are engertic, ambitious, and sociable.Your talents lie in politics, leading people, and selling things or ideas. You would make an excellent: Auctioneer - Bank President - Camp DirectorCity Manager - Judge - LawyerRecreation Leader - Real Estate Agent - Sales PersonSchool Principal - Travel Agent - TV Newscaster The worst career options for your are investigative careers, like mathematician or architect.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

For granted

I take for granted the beautiful skies with white fluffy clouds and warm weather that brightens up the day, making sure washed clothes dry easily, making sure my shoes don't get mouldy.

I take for granted my healthy body, only wondering why people always lament at their ill state, or have to keep taking medication. I saw a man walking in pain on my journey to work today. I prayed to God I will never lose one side of my leg to a twisted, malformed, misshapen disease.

I take for granted the friends I have around me, always longing for love, looking for new pursuits, never thinking once of the ways they have been so supportive, rather; facing them with sarcasm and sometimes pointed words I hardly mean to say.

I take for granted my faith, having received so much, I still give little. Wanting more and more blessings and prosperity, but unwilling to commit to a higher cause. Seeing the needs that can be filled, yet stepping aside and hoping for a miracle but not providing one.


I can't choose my experiences in life, but I can choose how to respond to them.


Unfortunately my responses have not always been cohesive, nor righteous.
My emotional responses are triggered off by external factors I cannot control.

Eagles don't regret

Eagles don't regret. Can I keep a bat for a pet?


He said to me,

"So are you giving the other guy a chance now?"

Now that he chooses to leave without telling me. Now that he is in Soi Country, without even calling me once. I'm not unhappy at the fact that he leaves, I'm dissatisfied with the way he thinks he can live his life without a thought for the people who care so much for him.

They say opportunity only knocks once. By his actions, my door is gingerly pulled shut. Yes, the feelings are dissipating. Feelings don't last. Only commitment makes love last, in my opinion.

________________________________________

Called Brightmann "chou chou" today, haha. I actually forgot what it meant in French. Some kind of cutesy phrase I think. Met him downstairs from The Office, got a chance to stare into his eyes but still don't know what color they are. He told me a two-minute life story as we walked into the main corridor and parted ways. He's someone that makes me smile. Or rather, laugh uproariously! Last Friday, was in for a long meeting. Kept spotting him in the main corridor.

I usually hesitate talking to him because he is always talking to the bigshots. But hey, he always notices me and gives a shoutout to me! Felt slightly embarassed then as the whole corridor would know my name.

The other time I went out for a break - I was headed to the toilet and feeling kind of cold, saw Brightmann again, now talking to one ang moh I don't really like - I thought that he was a tad insincere in his treatment towards others, only paying them respect if they were associated with other bigshots. For me, he used to greet me heartily because I was Big Boss' pet, now that Big Boss is in HK, he slights me I think. Well, I don't give two hoots but well, it just shows his character. So Brightmann spotted me - I didn't think he would give a shoutout again... but he just said "Oh! She's coming this way!" And proceeded to hide behind a pillar... I turned in time to see the shocked look on the face of the ang moh, the one I didn't really like. That, was priceless. I grinned the whole day. Really made my Friday a cheery one. I know that Brightmann has tons and tons of work to do - In fact he said that it would take about a year to settle things. And he works all weekend long too... Yet he is so cheery, so happy bouncing about the office, it's a blessing to have people like that around.

Into Personality

Quite interested into personality, body language and communication these days, believe that it's an integral part of communication. Just took this 10 minute (Phd certified) personality test, my assessment as follows:

Key Areas of your Personality
Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your Low Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Variety
Your High Assertiveness Level

Your Interaction Style:
You scored 65 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily outward towards other people and things - rather than inward. You don't mind being alone, but you feel most energized and inspired when you are around other people. Your mixed extroversion/ introversion tendency affects your learning style: For example, it is more effective for you to listen to a person explain something than it is for you to read about it on your own.

Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to recognizing emotions in other people. When you look at a person's face you focus on what you see on the right. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie. Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.

http://www.personality100.com


It's quite strange (and true) that they picked out on this unique way of my ... expressions, because I would use my left ear... because it's my master side.

Well, on the journey to know myself better, understanding myself and the people around me. I honestly believe that one cannot understand people without understanding ourselves first.

Ice cream seller

How, an ice cream seller provokes deep thoughts today.


Walked out of The Office today with only one namecard left in my namecard holder. I usually put about 10 and slowly give it away. Today, I wondered who I could meet along the road on the way to Gym. Felt peckish so I unexpectedly stopped at an ice cream seller's cart near The Office. Walked down the River road so many, many times, never noticed him. He looked happy to see me as I pondered over what flavor to choose from. I sort of felt pity for him so I engaged him in small talk. Asked him where he came from and why did he choose to sell ice cream here.

He replied in a lisping voice - because he has lost his front teeth - that he was formerly a chef at BlackAngus and later started his own food biz but it failed due to the bird flu. He did not speak in a tone of resignation or blaming this party or that person - the way many, many people have spoken to me, when it comes to their biz ventures. He seemed content, truly joyful although many would pity him as a useless, uneducated person who could do nothing to contribute to Society. I realised today that despite some people having so much money, and he, a meagre sum, his happiness made him richer than most people in the corporate sector. Even talking to him I felt so touched by his enthusiasm for life. He gave me two wafers for free, even though I already had the bread and a cup of ice cream.

I gave him my last namecard, briefly telling him what I do. He seemed genuinely happy to receive it, that someone would give him a namecard even. He replied happily, "My name is Daniel! It's found in the Bible!" I gave a half-smile and said, my name, it also comes from the Bible. We told each other where our churches were.

As I was leaving he waved happily and said, "Bye! Jesus loves you!" I caught his words before I put on my headphones and went on my way.

Sitting by the River, eating the yam ice cream, I suddenly felt an irresistable urge to cry.

Isn't it amazing that I was hoping to bless someone today. Instead, God used him to bless me and touch my life, unexpectedly.

Later, went to the Gym. Haven't been there for months. Really months! I prayed a little prayer that if I were to see Batman, I would definitely ask him. And... I saw Batman. At first could not remember his face (or body, haha!) but I guess his remembrance of me gave him away. So, before I left, I finally got to know his name (and age, and where he lives) Another Gym buddy, another nice friend. Batman!

Sexy sunlight sepia shots

Just another name and number

Vision, values, volition.


Part of my job scope includes calling dozens of people every week. I do like to talk to strangers actually(when I'm in a happy mood and having a good hair day), so it's just part of a small challenge to get it rolling.

I always sign off my emails with the signature "Prayer Changes Things", below my name and contact details. The ones that do remark on it are few, but this week, there was one guy. Someone I cold called because I had his namecard through a third party source. He was just another name and number in my long, long list of people I was in contact with. Someone I barely spoke with for minutes. Yet through his remark on my email signature, he replied in few sentences. Asked me if I had believed in prayer and was I going through some things right now. I replied, yes I do believe and in fact I'm a cell leader. Yes I was going through some emotional issues but it's nothing major. He asked if TTC was affliated to my church, and through his simple sentences I could tell he was a Christian as well. He is semi retired, and from the voice I guessed about 40s.

Then the shocker came. He sms-ed me that he was on sleeping pills. From my knowledge I guessed he was an insominac and probably depressed to some extent. I asked if everything was alright.

He replied that his wife was having an affair with a Christian married man for 5 years now and his PI caught them making love in parks and public spots. He was terribly sad and angry. I asked what was he going to do about it, he said, file for divorce. I offered him some words but I couldn't really know how to response with God's words of encouragement in a time like this.

I was wondering how God could use me in my marketplace. That guy was just another name and number in my list. I guess unexpected things do happen. I hope I was of help.


During AP night on Wednesday God spoke to me so so much. I needed affirmation, I had some! It was so clear, the affirmations about what I was doing, that God is pleased and that He will use me to speak. Words, from bad to turnaround. Two days later, I was doing that. That guy was just another name and number in my list! The word 'turnaround' has been sticking like a sore thumb in my mind ever since last year. I'm glad the words God has spoken again and again. Also, He promised that this year is a year of double portion for me. I hope it will come soon. One thing I cannot understand yet is the word that this year, I will fight many wars, but God will give strength. What wars? I don't like wars. But perhaps for my case the wars will bring about peace and restoration. I'm glad God, that you are pleased with what I am doing so far.

And I'm praying for an answer to one thing that will bring me a lot of joy. He has no idea how much he has changed my life, my worldview. And now all I want is to see him again. I owe him a goodnight hug.

Level up!

Need some introspection again.


Physical Tank: Low. Although still look the same (I can't put on weight la) But I seem to have a general lack of energy and flexibility. I shall go to the gym soon... I really need to put in energy, get really tired after a day's work... Just want to jump into bed and be cuddled a bit... Ha...

Emotional Tank: Fluctuating to say the least... Day to day basis. Overall I would say I'm not contented at all, then again, how to be, when the recent spate of events have left me in doubt and worried to say the least? I've a lot of self-realisations recently but... is this perhaps a part of me that needs to mature still...

Mental Tank: Have been said to me that I'm very self-motivated. Actually I am, job-wise at least. Very happy and satisfied to reach the daily small targets that I have set, whether or not it would actually be lucrative in the long run still remains to be seen. I'm also happy with the people I've met, so many are so nice, approachable and friendly. Maybe I'm lucky but I tend to get really friendly people on the phone and on the street. Makes me even more motivated to share what I'm doing.


Spiritual Tank: Praying a lot for myself and my family these days, more than ever, sometimes it's so tiring that I pray and sleep and still wake up the next day with a frazzled look. I realise that I have not been really pursuing anything substantial lately, perhaps of the general lack of interest in topics... anyways I have been reading so much before, so ... I still think that I'm generally okay... just hanging in there by a thin rope.


Everyone needs more time and more money.
Why aren't we satisfied? =)

An acre in Sri Lanka

"You deviate an inch on the map, you lose a thousand miles on the ground."
Ancient Chinese proverb.

When a woman asks her man, "How do I look?", it means that she is asking, how you do feel about me.

No shortcuts to the journey on which you are going on. I guess that is true for me. I don't want to take a shortcut and then miss it. Nor do I want (who wants?) to lose my focus and then take a longer time to get there. Wondering about Life and what it has in store for me. Growing up seems to be hard. Only a few years back, we still depend on the parents for pocket money, reliance to pay phone bills and stuff. Our holiday jobs was just to supplement our income to buy more new fads. Now, we have to earn our own keep. And in a short few years' time, marriage is on the cards, with kids along the way. How fast the balls keep coming. It's hard to imagine what it would be in a few years' time. How much we all would have changed.

But while I still can, I like to lie in bed and daydream a little, wishing for days where I can just smile and laugh on end, having no significant worries, having a man who loves me, someone I can trust and support if need be. I want to travel so much, the urge is getting increasingly stronger. Meeting Sri Lankan delegates yesterday fuelled another dream in me.

It's been a year. Last year before I had dengue, was volunteering with the video team in the Missions Convention, Adam.

I met this extremely fascinating Sri Lankan youth pastor who was my age. He was a lanky, dynamic guy who used to work as a newscaster. We had planned to talk more, but unfortunately I was down with the fever immediately after volunteering. I remember last year I was pretty peeved at my state of health because I missed my favorite Mark Gorman's speech.

This time, saw a bunch of Sri Lankans sitting in front of us during the service. Kie and Penelope and Fifi were so enthused with talking with them, I was so proud that my folks could offer a bit of Singaporean hospitality. Talked to Julian, Jude, Mitchell(that's the pastor), Natasha, Zaki, David and a few other girls. Hearing their dreams and how God has provided them with money really fuelled my desires to help others reach their dreams. Jul works in HSBC, Sri Lanka, and he earns about sgd $300 a month. I cannot imagine how much they saved, just to get here, and how hard it was. We take things for granted, because we have it too easy. They travel an hour's journey to their church. Yet they have so big dreams - Tash wants to build christian schools as there is none in their predominantly Buddhist country. When my deals come through, I shall definitely help fuel this mission. I have a dream now, too. Of buying a plot of land in Sri Lanka. To build, schools. Churches. Orphanages, etc.

Dr David Grant: Obey (God) and miss it... rather than not obey and miss it.

And I feel something for a certain country now, when I gaze at it's national flag. It seems to jolt me, make me feel something for its people and the places. I wonder... Am I going there soon?

So Canada, Australia, Thailand, Malaysia and Sri Lanka are now top of my list. If I make friends everywhere, I shall travel the world. On a shoestring budget!

Fragile Love

Short story, copyright mine.





For them, they had no opportunity to exchange last words.

It was a rush, a mad rush down the airport. Shane had so much faith in God. But perhaps all was in vain. He wanted to see her, for the last time, before she was cremated. Anxious to get back, he hardly slept since he heard the news. It was nearly impossible to get transit flights back from America to Singapore, but he was going to make it. He had to. With just the backpack on his shoulders, he ran, the length down Taipei airport to catch the connecting flight. He made it. The moment he boarded, the cabin doors closed and the plane prepared for takeoff. He made it this far, he could make it all the way, even though deep inside he felt like he wanted to die.

Rose was a sweet, quiet girl who loved kids, and loved to smile. Because of this love, she was going to become a teacher. Only that, Rose died early. The departure of a young adult always seems so sad, so wasted. At twenty-three, she was just beginning to bloom into a beautiful new phase of life. But at twenty-three, she decided that it was over. Rose decided to end her life, for reasons only known to her, one fateful morning. Just before her teaching assessment, Rose jumped. Down a seven storey flat. She died on impact.

He bought a ring for her. He had never bought a ring before, and wanted my help on it. Shane asked for my ring size. And bought one with the hope of it being a perfect fit. More than a ring, it symbolized all that he wanted to say to her. That she was special in his life.That she mattered. That of all the girls in his life that he had crossed paths with, she was the best one for him. He never had the chance to give it to her, to tell her that along with this ring, he wanted to marry her, to share their life together.

To see her one last time. He made it. He witnessed the cremation. He managed to press a rose into her hands, her pale and cold hands now belonging to a world not of his own. With a heavy heart he stood there, not believing his eyes. The last time he saw her, she was full of life, full of love. He knew that his heart broke, the moment he heard that she was dead. A heart broken can be mended, but no one could replace Rose, in his heart.

Since Shane was a teenager, he had always dreamed of love. Not just a love based on mutual attraction to one another, or those which conjure up butterfly feelings and tingles of excitement whenever he meets her. Shane wanted a love that endures. He shared to me that for him, it would be like the shooting of an arrow into a bulls’eye. Just need to meet one person, and that would be the right one. Just want to have one relationship. And she would be the best one. So through the angst of the growing-up years, through my crushes, and many failed relationships that I had, Shane stayed true to his desire. He never embarked on any love affair. He did not want to. Until he met Rose.

A love so deep it can only break the soul when it is dying. I felt pained at seeing Shane, my best friend, going through so much anguish. I wanted so much for him to be happy again.

Sometimes love has the ability to tear us apart, yet it reveals in us, the strength deep within that we never knew we had.

Nearly a year later, we met again. Two old friends, not yet weary with the tribulations of Life, instead, looking forward to the new year with many hopes and promises. The year ahead was going to be a good one. I gently asked him, if, it was still painful. He has moved into another season now, after the withering of his fragile emotions the year before. Shane told me that he has, after a period of silence, that he has been able to go on. That God has been so willing to do a heart surgery for him, that he can find himself being attracted to other godly women. I rejoiced in my spirit that he has found himself, along with God’s love. Time heals some; but not all. Only God can heal all.



In memory of Lil, 1 year death anniversary today. Rest in peace.

The right decision

For the truly faithful, no miracle is necessary. For those who doubt, no miracle is sufficient.
-Nancy Gibbs.

What if Jesus gave up on the way to Calvary? Then he couldn't save the world. What if I gave up on the road to success? Then... I can't save myself.

Doctor V said to me today, a wise word of advice.

He said,

Make the right decision! If not, make the decision right.

Whew, that's a deep insight. Love to spend time chatting although it seems like we are on completely different wavelengths at times. He's the one who is still on his journey for God, waiting, searching. Mentioned about the sadness in his eyes. Today was a happy day for me, met ex-Big Boss, he flew down for a meeting. Introduced me as "his daughter", to the cafe aunt who is his church member. Sob sob! I really miss him! Wahhhhhhh... he is still so respected that when he walks around in The Office, you can literally see people's eyes lighting up and looking at him in a mixture of admiration and shyness, he is still a bit of a celebrity, someone much talked about, and more importantly, well-loved by most. Daddy. Having no children of his own, I'm glad he regards me as one of his kids.

And happily, met Brightmann too. Said his door was always open for me. That means a lot to me, although I don't even know where that is now, and whether that is to be taken literally or figuratively. Nothing salacious in that statement though, The Office has clear glass doors and walls.

I shall get to know Canada better. Remembered my conversation with Super2, that perhaps it (Canada!) was a good name for my kid girl, if I really made it. He recommended me to call my son Fullerton. It's so funny. But hey, I shall consider... =) Allegra (medicine brand) and hydrocortisone (steroidal) is not bad, too.

Easy to Love Part 1

Excerpted from a Chester email:

"spoke to my mom again a few days ago for the second time. was nice to hear her voice again. a little advice from me: tell your parents that you love them more often (if you don't already do so). it's easy to take them for granted cause we think that they're going to be around for some time. i still remember when i met up with my dad in a small cafe in KL when i was 17 and had just finished high school. it was just the two of us. i hadn't seen him in almost a year, and somewhere along the conversation he said, "i can't help thinking that you hate me." i said i don't know "but i think a part of me does." he just noded his head. when he left that day that was the last time i saw him; he left for good four months later. rachel, what i would give to take those words back. so, don't make the same mistake i made, don't wait till it's too late."

Was just thinking these days, how easy it is to love people and how difficult to love God. Or vice versa, in certain ways. Been hankering on the topic of love a little bit, pretty much due to the things that have been happening around me and the way I feel towards people.

Well isn't that something all of us love to dream and read about.

Including me. I love Chester emails on mondays, they bring a sense of harmony.

Because he makes me laugh

Ocytoxin and dopamine.


Eddie Valiant: Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.


http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Who_Framed_Roger_Rabbit#Dialogue

Nuff said.

Slanging

All too often nowadays I tend to lapse into a slang that can only be described as uniquely mine. A slang in which the words uttered tend to be pronounced in a comprehensible manner that can only be described as non-local-speak. I wonder where this faux accent was manufactured from, as I have noticed that I have spoken like that for as long as I can remember. But only recently it has gotten 'worse' - or if you look at it in another way, it should be 'better'.

I have forgotten how to speak Chinese. My ears no longer can figure out the simplest of phrases, two cojoining words put together to form a description of another word. I no longer can decipher how to order what to eat, thanks to the clearly illustrated signboards with numbers on them. No one now needs to understand a smattering of Chinese to order from Chinese food stalls. Just point to the picture, or even better, raise up a hand gesture in the symbol of the number that you want. You don't even need to speak. Strangely, Chinese hawkers now speak to me in local English-speak too. When I ask, 'how much?' (Because I cannot trust my tongue to twist into saying it in Chinese) They immediately answer, Oh, it's 70 cents, miss. Only the truly Chinese from China - many populating our shores these days, still hold on to tradition and refuse to speak in another language, almost standing out in their inability to local-speak.

I have absolutely no desire to put my offspring through the nightmare I went through, having failed my first test ever in the Chinese language. Having people laugh at me because of a single phrase I uttered. Others are more kind when you cannot pronounce English words right, they look sypathetically and utter kind nonsense about your underprivileged upbringing. But when you cannot speak your mother tongue, it is almost as if you have failed your duty by your ancestors. I prefer then, to be elitist and speak in my strange slang almost as though I have spent a good part of my life on the sidewalks of London and the highways of LA.

While in the bus, on the way home from The Office, I saw my old primary school mother tongue teacher Ding laoshi walking to her flat. As chances would have it, she lives close to mine. I was shocked at how old and frail she looked, almost like an old woman now, graying hair that was thinning in places. And then I realised that it was more than 10 years, close to 15, that I had actually last seen her. She was well-loved by all, unarguably the best mother tongue teacher we had ever had. I used to be on the same school bus as her, and she would take the opportunity to drill into me some chinese stuff which I never remembered. I wonder if the mother tongue teachers were amused at me not responding to my chinese name. In secondary, Mrs Fish had to call me "Rachel", only she couldn't pronounce it properly. I still remember one thing, though. She said to me, "Hai(a sigh)...(my chinese name) ar... Why you have beauty and no brains?" In Chinese of course. I remember feeling flattered that she thought I looked good - actually I did, in Primary. I was slim as a willow, with fair fair skin, thick red lips, and thick hair... perhaps it fitted into her expectation of a young femme.

Well... fast forward to now. Present time.
I have no beauty and no brains. Should I add no money as well?


Hahahahaha.

To b or non-b?

Yet another one bites the dust.

Just thought that it would be nice to share that I am fully convicted that a non-believer (relationship wise) is totally out of the question for me; but even right now, I don't have the heart to say it truthfully. The past week, we had chance encounters with people who reminded us that hey, everyone has emotions and those who follow theirs, often put their hearts on their sleeves. Waiting for others to stab them down.

I have experienced relationships with non- and (what's the opposite of non?) not-non-believers alike. Some short-term, others more serious.

Asked Johnny how it felt like to stay single for over 10 years already. Since he accepted Christ he never got attached. Are standards set too high? He admitted he was attracted to this non-b girl recently. Asked him why he never started. He said he couldn't imagine what to say to end it. Is he going to stay single his entire life just for the sake of this one thing which was written in the Bible? And am I going to respect those, many many, singles in our church for having done that, despite the fear that they might be left-on-the-shelf? OR do I judge those that have fallen, fallen in love with someone that they were not supposed to?

Heard sob stories from new-bs and old-bs alike how difficult for them this struggle is.

Would I still go to heaven despite being attached to this non-b?

Yes. I believe so. Just that you can't find a godly man to marry you off. Maybe the godly man feels for your situation too, but he has to live up to his title. You can still wear white. You can still invite me to your wedding.

Sometimes Bs have too many hang-ups because of too many beliefs. Make it simple, let your honest answer come from your soul, your heart, your spirit, your mind. If I condone these relationships, what kind of christian leader am I being? Can I be sure that I won't fall - in love - too? After all, falling in love is not dependent on which belief you come from. But it is already written in the Holy Bible, what is - and what isn't. What should be and what should not. Hey, read it for yourselves.

I am attending Johnny's brother's wedding in a few months'. The first few of my classmates to get hitched. While a posh wedding is ideal, what happens after the marriage is - the rest of your lives together. Johnny, I can't say that I'm brave enough to make the same decision when it comes to the crunch. But I do respect you getting your act together, despite the pressure from your peers to find a girl, despite people wondering if you are gay just because you've not been in a romance for some time. Keep going, love awaits.

Precious days to March

Love the Lord your God with ALL your passion, prayer and your intellect.
Love the people around you, the way you love yourself.


It's true that I'm still young, even though at times I feel truly 'world-weary', and imagine for a while, how nice it would be to have no worries about finances, to have already found someone who loves me so much that I'm willing to share a bed with him every night, to want his little kids running about and in secure belief that this is all I've ever wanted.

But no, I'm only 23 - and while I have nice visions of my life being a happy, worry-free and one filled with love all around, I do dread the thoughts of it being not so pleasant.

Haven't told him yet, but I am increasingly having a basic addiction to Warrie. Or rather, our verbal sparrings on the telephone. Wrote a card to him in which I have to say I was more sincere and honest with myself than I ever was. I hope this is the only addiction I'd ever have. It is possible to think a lot about a person you've still barely known, and miss him enough to want to see him, soon.

Meandered with Kie again last night on topics veering towards love and fulfilment. It is an exicitng time in our lives as we anticipate a happy future with lots of dates and seeing people who really like us. Ha! That aside, we wonder, about side issues, premptive measures that we could be doing right now, instead of indecisions later. One side issue which is a biggie for both of us is about whether - we should spend time with our friends of the opposite genders when we're married. Since I'm way more experienced, I shared. Flashback to the time my long-ago ex called my 60-over times while I was out with my female best friend. Flashback to the time where other attached guys were spending way more time sharing with me than they did to their better halves. I guess a good measure would be to introduce him to them, to allay his main concerns of either me being attracted to them or vice versa. Kie's preventive measures was to, also not go out with female friends too often. I felt miffed at that - exactly what Shiner said when we both were 'too close' in his point of view.

So he left, emotionally in a sense, I became detached too, because I was hurt by the fact that his worldview is so so different from mine. It is quite shitty, when the boundaries of friendship and closeness is guarded by an incomprehensible fact that we are not supposed to overlook. Maybe, that is why most of my friendships with guys are short-lived. Perhaps they cannot understand what it means to be a friend without falling into infatuation. I cannot understand, the boundaries which are supposed to be set in place for our very own protection. Then again, if you suppress these emotions and really look at the state of which things are in, and that this is a friendship which you truly cherish, why bother, about all the other 'supposed-tos' and 'No, I'm a leader that's why I have to respect this and that.' If that is the case, why did you rush down to my place after receiving an sms from me that I was despondent? And talked with me for so many days even though you had to study? Is the busyness that is eating you up now something that you are using as a form of escape... do you even remember the kind words and prayers you have said for me as I cried? Do you know how much I cherish it, that without it, I am not reminded of my sense of purpose, my sense of self?

It's two more precious days to March.

What have I achieved in the past months? A lot, yet little. The things I truly want in life have not yet come to pass, although I believe it will, this year.

Dissipate the dark cloud

Because I see a tinge of sadness in your eyes; which mirrors mine.
Smile at the people who need it, not the ones who are happy already? But then, maybe the ones who needs happiness are the ones who cherish it more. Realised that Manager's Manager's Manager has such kindly, wrinkly eyes - He appears to be really ''up there'' and respected and liked by all, but perhaps only I can see his melancholic, dark side. It causes me to wonder, what deep hurts he carries in the fleeting, sad look in his eyes.

Felt like a dark cloud was hanging over me yesterday - happily though, I received unexpected encouragements. Manager sensed I was perturbed and got me to drink. Drink kopi la. I have to admit it gave a temporal high after. Had a nice pep talk from Cutebert too - he seems to admire my resilience - and asked me for a demo in talking to people on the street. He says that his fear level is up there, whilst mine is low-low. Cutebert, now a manager, knows his stuff. A guy who admits his fear is one who has more strength than he knows. I did tell him that he could do it! We both needed affirmation perhaps.

And earlier, Blondie spoke to me. He's new. I made him hungry...hahaha by eating a delicious bread that was in my inhouse cafeteria...I will always remember that he asked me it was called...And I said...'bread'...And he thought I was making fun of him. He's nice. I think I am pretty good by now, at sizing people up, before even knowing them! Blondie introduced himself before he entered the gents'. And said goodnight, too, as I was leaving. He will be another one of the friends I have at The Office. Those that remember my name, those that I would like to spend more time with, talking to them.

It's amazing the tumult of emotions that run you through, the course of just one day. I never liked people who gave too much of themselves to their feelings, however, perhaps I should give more thought to mine. How nice it would be if I could just speak and live with real emotion!

Over green tea frappe

Love and Acceptance - Must they be together all the time?


Met Sugar's friend' JiT yesterday. Spent time soaking in the sun which perked me up a little. He describes himself as a pain-in-the-ass kind of person, but on the whole - his ''no qualms'' nature and rough, straightforward way is actually so much better than the ones I've met who look decent but who knows what's beneath the waters... =) Yes. And it's honestly amazing how much two strangers can share over coffee/green tea frappe - plus points for his nonchalantly standing up and getting my drink. So initiative! On my side, I did not share much, but rather prompted him to share what he felt - obviously he was peeved about things which happened, which he wrote on his blog. It's refreshing to meet a guy who is so in touch with his feelings. Who has that act-tough demeanour but is a softie inside. Who claims he is going to be a buddhist his entire life, not because he believes in it, rather, it's for his family, he believes that the eldest son should go with tradition. And for his sincerity, who can fault him for that?

Just came from Leader's DEW - Counseling session with Pastor Pippi. Apparently I'm in self-denial about my feelings - that I make quick decisions that are right, with my mind, often neglecting my feelings. Well, that is true. All the same, I thought that I was really "open" with my feelings, more so than others. At least, I say what I feel, and I admit those evil thoughts lurking in my mind. I have lots of areas to mature in, as a person, I do hope that I will be able to help myself unite the feelings that I have. Pastor Pippi said I have an ungodly soul tie with Grass. Hmmm. I was shocked when she said that, will wait for the next session to hear her say more. In this area, I believe I'm doing what is rightful -however, my emotions/heart cannot reconcile with my mind. Not that I absolutely do not believe in what I'm doing, or do just because I'm a leader and I have to do it. It's just that a part of me feels sad and guilty, feelings which I have not come to accept in myself...yet. That is why I am in such a confusion everytime he wants to meet me or talk to me. Spending more time with him will bring me to a quandary about certain things I don't want to make a decision about. That said, I also do not want to play with fire, no matter how I feel deep inside, it's a definite no-no. Next week, I will learn more about what causes all my issues. I do know, actually... I just don't know what to do in specific situations.

Lots of tension this week, I'm undoubtedly worried about certain things - on the whole though, it's still manageable. Really hope for breakthrough. =)

Me and Aaron at Jazzmatazz - like a food ad eh?

Monday Meme : Childhood memories

Really motivated to focus on my work and make use of every single bit of time. Been playing games online to relieve the tension and tiredness... sort of works actually! I am motivated because I really want to make it... and, everyday, meeting new people, it's such an enriching life experience, I learn so much from them. I'm blessed too, that almost all the people I meet and talk to have been really nice to me.

So here's a meme to blog about.

1. Colors... What was your favorite color when you were little? What color was your room? Was your hair a different color?
I never really liked pink, not even as a little girl... I guess I liked yellow and red. My room was blue I think. Can't remember! My hair was black, duhhh...

2. Toys... What were your favorite toys when you were young? What toy did you want to get more than anything else?
I liked Polly Pocket! The usual, barbies, stuffed toys, board games... Remember I loved playdough and the japanese fishing game where you use a small magnetized rod to 'fish out' the fishies... Actually whenever we went shopping, my mum would buy me one toy, any toy that I asked for - of course I did not ask for anything ostentatious.

3. Pets... Did you have any pets when you were little? If so, what was your first?
Yes, I had a kitten for a while, a stick insect, 'yabbie', praying mantis, scorpions, hamsters, lots of hamsters, white mice... ... ... rabbit!

4. Holidays... What holiday did you look forward to as a child? What did you do to celebrate?
Really liked CNY because we could collect sweets and also Christmas because of the season's feeling... Enjoyed Christmas in Australia, really memorable! There was a real Santa, and real plum pudding.

5. Food... Were you a picky eater when you were a kid? What were your favorite foods? Do you still like those foods today?
I liked almost everything, had a special liking for sweet sweet stuff. Think now I don't really like sweetstuff though I'm still into chocolates. I really like cakes and ice cream - I can skip meals and just eat ice cream... loads of it! It's a wonder I manage to stay thin... ... ...

A new locket

I love to spend time with friends. I counted the number of sms-es greetings I received on my birthday... wow... it's 14. Beat that! I am very amazed and count myself blessed to have so many people who care for me enough to think of me in their hearts and buy me stuff I really like. Went shopping with SincereStar yesterday, she was looking for nice workwear. Me, I already bought like so many workwear tops during the post-CNY sale that I was just content to browse around happily with her. On a side note, realise that I'm starting to become more feminine, like to wear those blouses with a girly touch to it. I must be growing up, in my taste. Never imagined that I'd like lacy stuff, or actually look good in it. I do feel different, dressing up, as compared to my usual lackdasical, cropped pants and sleeveless cotton shirt look. Feel different in heels and lady shoes at work too, although the pain threshold still remains.

We went to this shop, Mesh, at Far East. Haven't gone there for such a long, long time... my perception of the place is that all the stuff there is really too lianish and juvenile for me, and not cheap too... I'd rather pay a bit more and get Euro labels than the ones from Hongkong - material's really bad anyways. The old days are gone, I remember after school, every week we would take a detour into town, catch a movie (Those days, we were rich... and movies were cheap)... always going into the same shops, Quiksilver at Pacific Plaza, this hairclip shop at Far East Plaza, and then always watching movies at Lido or Cine. Sometimes, we hung out at Bishan, too. Every week, the same routine. I was a Times Square kid for the longest time. Until I decided that it was too boring taking neoprints every week and playing basketball was more fun. And boyfriends demanded of my time and energy, too! It's true that the noisy bonds formed between women always take second place after a quiet bond formed with a man.

SincereStar and I were at this shop - we were fascinated by this watch, apparently quite famous, the time was told by various lighted up dots... it made a good window display and at the invitation of the shopkeeper we ventured in. Nice chunky jewellery at affordable prices, mostly looked like it was for guys though, although I honestly doubt any of my guy friends would appreciate if I gave them a shield pendant or a leaf ring to wear. There was this nice heart shaped locket, half carved in wood and half in silver, ornate yet modern that I really liked... looked a bit like a heirloom yet small enough to not be ostentatious.

SincereStar was so nice, she bought it for me! As a birthday present. Wow. She really made my day! It's a rare day that I actually like things like that... firstly I don't really like jewellery, only earrings and watches, and even for that I'm quite particular. Secondly, I don't really like wearing things around my neck... but I have a thing for lockets for the longest time... Oh... now I understand how trinkets can make little girls and grown women happy. Ha.

We saw many couples with bouquets. Haha- the guy buys the bouquet, but the guy has to carry them when the girl is shopping. I wonder how they felt. I wonder how the flowers felt. I was mentioning to SincereStar that some of my guy friends, those geeky ones... although they have been attached for like a year, or more... they never bought flowers for their girl before. Sheesh man. I know I will never like this kind of guys. It's not about the flowers right, it's about romance. How boring - like my parents I think. Anyways my mum claims she only likes plastic flowers - bleah. Totally different generation. We agreed that those guys who are non-romantic, ie, no flower in sight, is a definite no-no. Then again... my parents will grill me I think, if I brought flowers home. Haha. The guy would have many 'points' added. Haha. Realised Kie is 'growing up' too... He seems to show more maturity in treating girls well. Maybe he has learnt from my expectations in my sharings. He is more 'man' now. Hope he buys flowers soon~ I'd be happy for him, then.

Leadership out of the box

Immersed in a good book last night - "Leadership and Self-Deception" - by the Arbinger Institue - wouldn't have bought it myself if not for the shopkeeper's recommendation and the fact that it was a national bestseller. The read turned out to be surprisingly good - gave me insights on why some people behave in the way they do - blaming others and treating others like objects, even though they do not really look at themselves and ask why are they like that. This behavior is termed 'in the box' - and several analogies made the book a page-turner. Wow. After reading the book I felt like just buying copies and passing them to my friends. It definitely helps in motivating people. Simple concepts with great depth. For me, I'm sometimes in the box, but hopefully in most of my personal relationships, I'm out of the box.

I realise that some people I've dealt with and am dealing with are really deep 'in the box'. It's sad because like the mouse-sized men in 'Who moved my cheese', they don't believe that the problem lies with their own self-deception, and blame it on everything else. Which is sad, but it would also take a long time for them to come out of it. I remember one incident where this person questioned me haughtily about certain people I was having responsibility of. Because of that person's way of asking me, I felt defensive and wanted to reply back curtly. It was not entirely my fault that things happened this way; however, in a leadership position, and also due to personal mismanagement I knew things could have been handled better in my capacity. So... I did something that she utterly would not have expected. I said that, "Yes, in X incident, it was my fault. I could have done better." You can see the shocked look on her face! Up till today, this person still questions me on the way things are being done... not in the way of wanting to learn things, but rather picking on the things people are doing and trying to criticize. And this person prides it on her personality type, 'that's the way it is, because that's the way my personality is'. I really cannot understand.

And meeting all sorts of people everyday, really makes you a different person. For me, I hope I'm wiser in interpersonal relationships.

It's strange that although I talk so much in my biz everyday, at night I can still talk to friends, online, etc. It's as if I have no 'word quota' of the day... I think I would be depressed if I did not have anyone to talk to! Then again, God is good, always providing me with plenty of opportunities. I still have so much energy left despite my tiring days, I long to lie down on a patch of grass and share deepfelt desires and dreams. I miss Warrie, stupid feeling right? Want to talk and talk to him, wonder if he wants to also...? This week is bad for him. Somehow, hope to offer more than a listening ear. The notion of someone supporting you is enough for you to excel...and go the distance... This week, received much encouragement from Des and Xinxin, my managers. And I actually exceeded my targets for the week! Money is going to roll in because besides my work, they are going to pay me really well for doing their assignments. It's going to cost them...hahaha... I'm good! Xinxin owes me one prata and one subway. =) Looking forward to a happily hectic week. It's a happy problem to have a packed schedule when you're in the sales line.

No room reminisces

When you're really tired out and it seems as though, there is no room left in your life... to think about the things that really matter... Or to meet up with people you want to spend more time with just lounging in their presence, what hurts most? Is it the things you do daily that defines a successful person? When you are rich, busy, and successful, do you remember the music that accompanied your readings by the river...do you remember the people that helped you along the way. Those who believed you could make it, those who always ask, "how's sales?". Those who care about your financial status and love you despite being broke. Would I remember the friends who really care whether I fail or not, the ones who provided me with names and numbers; the father who keeps asking about my deals and paying for my phone bills.

And when the taste of success is so close at hand, do you imagine your life, taking on a different facade? Do you imagine your investments bearing fruit finally, and enjoying the way things has turned out for you, that you no longer have to worry about anything because your dreams are realised and there is nothing else you actually really want anymore? Even the purchasing of little items at sale prices do nothing to stem your disillusionment, your apathy. Only that, deep inside you know that there is a greater purpose. In fact, purpose is the very reason why you started out in the first place. Not venturing forth purely for money, or for success, but for an opportunity to impact people in the marketplace. Things started off slow, and they still are, but with treasured colleagues and superiors, it is possible to make it. Already many are impressed, by the way things have turned out to be. And along the way, many more will come.

To focus on something is terribly difficult especially when there are lots of other distractions coming up along the way. And when the road ahead seems like an uphill climb for now. But I also remember the times where I had persisted on; the tough times when you feel like no one understands what it means to keep doing the things I'm doing - I've been there. And when I look back, the lonely and trying times were really very short - just a few months' span, in fact. Well, it's another long trudge uphill again for me this time. I took many detours along the way. But I realised this week that I have to devote myself more to a successful pursuit.

Monty said yesterday that in his opinion, I'd make a really good manager.
Coming from him, a manager, that's a real compliment. I sometimes wonder why people see potential in me when the results have yet to be seen. He really meant what he said. Soemtimes it's the belief that others have in you that would inspire yourself to succeed. It's because you want them to be happy for you too, almost as much as you would want it for yourself.

When you're really tired out and it seems as though there is no room left in your life, there is always a small space left to believe in someone, and encourage others who are also walking this uphill road.

Happy V day!

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.
-- American Proverb

Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.
-- French Proverb

More than kisses, letters mingle souls.
-- John Donne

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.
-- François de La Rouchefoucauld

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

To love another person is to see the face of God.
-- Lyric from Les Miserables

With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow.
-- Wedding Vow, Book of Common Prayer

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein

To be able to say how much love, is love but little.
-- Petrarch

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.
-- Cass Daley


=)


Nothing beats working in The Company.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Everyone is wishing everyone today! It's almost like CNY "Xin Nian Kuai Le!", so funny. Female managers are wishing male subordinates, male PAs are wishing female receptionists. It's almost as though there is no room to be unhappy - even if you are alone and have no hot date.

The issue of flowers, or sending bouquets to signify romance is always hotly debated, this year proves to be the same. Female married colleagues were saying how silly it was about the commercialism and the highly extorbitant prices of flowers, the bigger the bouquet, the more it signifies how 'much in love' you two are. Well, I always hardly get flowers near my birthday because of this romantic day, but I'm not complaining. A huge part of myself belongs to the practical side where I will scold the guy for such an extravagance, it's really ridiculous... but then again, it would be nice to have someone show you're special by the act of giving flowers and making you the envy of all the other girls - those single ones who would stare at the bouquet enviously and then look at you with the thought in their eyes, as if to say, what makes you so special to receive this extravagant gift, and not me?

Hmm. I'm genuinely happy today for the people who are in love. Keep it going! Treasure the man by your side, the one who would do all sorts of stupid things for you and talk to you even though he's tired, who would take long walks to nowhere with you just because you wanted to, who would listen to you talk even though he wants to cuddle. Hey, nothing beats having someone who you can feel totally yourself with and just the simple sharing of everyday activities and little things that happened - not everyone out there has the privilege, not everyone can bask in a man's affections and be totally devoted to him, too.

So celebrate romance, celebrate the special fact that you have this year, this day, these few hours together, treat him like you have never been so desiring of spending a day out together, doing things and saying things only couples in love enjoy.

A little girl's prayer

Inspired by "Hadassah", Tommy Tenney.


I remember when I was young, I used to imagine I was a princess. I paraded around carrying a pink basket with my royal dog, a pound puppy plushie named ‘Ruby’, and with various other trinkets I deemed special enough for a princess’ belongings. I would put a cape on, a red quilted baby blanket, luxurious enough to rest a baby-smooth face on, and sit regally in a stiff-backed chair, awaiting my royal subjects. I still have that blanket, old and worn but altogether still a precious remnant from my younger days, tucked somewhere in one of my drawers. Other days, I would imagine I was away on my journeys to strange and exciting places, zooming about in a yellow scooter. (Yes, I had a yellow scooter, then.) I was the independent minded little girl who knew where she was going and having lots of laughter and excitement along the way.

Being raised in a Christian family, I would pray for my future husband. I wanted to! That he would be tall and dashing, impeccably well-mannered, someone that I would hopelessly fall in love with, someone who would be the eventual man I married and spent the rest of my life with, a guy, worthy of my affections, worthy of my love. I prayed with the wistful longings of romance that teenaged girls might have; only that earlier on in life, I already knew. I knew that love was something to be treasured, and my heart and body, to be given away to the one who would be my King.

Growing up, I realized that my ideal of a perfect family was almost impossible in today’s world. I met many friends who came from broken homes, whose parents were not living with each other, who do not believe in marriage because most of their friends have divorced; I’ve met people who are single because they do not trust their family’s past to repeat itself in their lives. I’ve seen the hurt that comes from not having one parent around – lost to death or divorce. I’ve seen parents that were not able to give their best to their children, lamenting the fact that they hardly know them anymore. I’ve personally been through love and loss as well, although that cannot be compared to the impact of losing one parent because of a strange law in the land that states divorce is acceptable, that once we get tired of each other, we can find new mates.

And I’m fearful because of the fact that I might be the one who decides to cut the ties, to stop the music, to end the charade.

But who knows, perhaps I was born for such a time as this. In wanting so many criteria fulfilled, in looking out for my best interests, perhaps it’s time I put aside these nagging doubts and believe in a fairytale Biblical romance. Even in these turbulent times, perhaps true love still exists. And I want to be the one chosen for His palace. I want to desire Him more than any other, to give of myself completely, to remember all that has passed, and to excitedly anticipate all that is going to happen. Even now I sense that many things will come to pass.

A little girl once prayed many years ago.

A young woman, today, standing at the forefront of short years that will determine her destiny, prays the same prayer.

The injured kitten

With compassion in her eyes...

On the lonely pavement leading to yck road, a small ginger kitten, shivering from the cold, was struggling to grip the wet ground with its two front legs - its hind legs, broken and lying limply behind it as it tried to drag itself up. Its eyes were already glazed over from the pain as it trembled violently from the cold, having no shelter from the pelting rain.

That was what I found, on the way to work. I always talk to strays, so as I happily listened to my earphones, I mewed at the little kitten, but abruptly stopped as I realised with a sickening horror to the pit of my stomach that it was injured. Sure enough, the hind legs were broken - although by what, I could not fathom - definitely not a car accident because there were no traces of blood. It looked shell-shocked and cold, and hungry... I felt so much pity, so much compassion for the little wounded creature as it stuggled to balance precariously on its two front legs. Dismally, I looked around for help and wondered what could I possibly do. I knew with a sinking feeling that it would probably die of the cold, if not of the injuries. Some kindly residents brought out a blanket and some rice, and brought it to under a tree for shelter, but I felt that I had to do something, not just walk away - as I was sure if I had not done anything, the image of the small kitten, shivering and trying to stand, would haunt me always as I walk this road... Asked a passerby for help in finding a box for the small kitten. Was told later at the SPCA that it would most probably be put to sleep, as I'd expected.

On the way there, I couldn't stop tearing as I fingered the kitten's head, which was sleeping peacefully in the box by now. It opened its eyes to look at me from time to time, and one of its' paws curled round tightly on my fingers, as though it could gain some comfort from it. The taxi driver at first thought that it was sick and refused to take me, but after hearing that it was an injured stray he was more compassionate, and when we reached the SPCA, was so touched that he said, "No need to pay. Take it as my contribution for the cat." I thought that was a really kind gesture of his.

Left the kitten there - it was so pretty, with wide eyes and ginger colored, would have grown up to be really nice. Somehow it knew, that I was leaving it, because when I passed the box to the staff, it because distraught as well, and kept clawing the box and making a sort of anguished, wailing noise - rather feebly, almost like it was lamenting its' short life. The staff said it was about 2 months old. I cried not for the fact that it was going to be put down, I just was slightly traumatised at seeing suffering, and knowing for sure that the end was near.

Warrie said that what I did should be applauded, but I really did not deserve the compliment - I actually deliberated what I should do, and even contemplated walking away. That was really I wanted to wrap it in my coat but at the same time, feared that moving it would cause further injury. I felt really bad for even having to think what I should do, and whether I should do it. In the Bible, it said that Jesus looked at the people with compassion in his eyes. I imagine tears, too. I couldn't stop tearing - but I did not feel stupid or anything, just real sad that this happened and I was there to do something about it. Perhaps if Jesus sees the things I've done, he would be sad too. I am so weak sometimes I just want to be wrapped tightly, and hold on to His finger.

Bread and Fish

In the darkest moments in our lives, sometimes the greatest miracles can occur.

Is it really true that when we have more needs, we actually seek God more?

I am rather satisfied this year. Of course, I do have many many needs - somehow I'm not worried about them though it's tough to wake up everyday believing for provision. God has never failed me, and this year I am just wanting 2 BIG things to happen personally, and then I'm really... happy. I believe it will happen.

Sort of touched that Fifi ate vegetarian with me too at this traditional chinese teahouse today. Manager too, wants to 'follow' me - although I suspect it's for dieting/health reasons. It's not as bad as I imagined really, just that the choices of food are really really few. Especially in the office area...I prefer not to eat sometimes. Fifi suggested to me to pack from home, some stuff... didn't really bother to try. Prata is good, so are sandwiches.

Wrote a story about what Mr BestFriend went through last year, titled "Fragile Love". I did send this to some friends, they were all seemingly touched. Hopefully I did bring across the message well. He also wanted to read it, and after he read it, it brought back memories of Lily and how the whole month was, that time. Time flies, can't believe it's almost a year to her death anniversary. I liked what he said, he said that to him, life is a journey, and we are sort of like 'stewards' on the plane... to usher people onto the 'right flight'... hoping that when we pass on, we manage to bring some, along with us.

I have such a strong, deep faith, although most of the time I'm trying to figure out how I can be myself and not lose my spiritual identity. To waver between choosing life or death, or giving up eternal life for a single tree... I think, I won't be like that. In decisions in life, once you waver, most probably you're a goner. Decide, and stand firm.

Sometimes you just need convictions in your decisions. And if you have nothing solid to stand on, you fall.

Don't wait till you're my age

Heard Tetra say to Kie yesterday, "Don't wait till you're my age."

Being at least 5 years apart he probably has seen so much youthful potential then and now, perhaps this statement is tinged with regret. Me too, I have heard this phrase recently from a woman in her late 20s. I guess she means to say that I should treasure my relationships with the male species and try to take it a step further if it is possible, or just don't be too choosy when it comes to love. Am I? For the matter I don't have high moral standards, just perhaps a similar level of physical attraction. After all, guys want their girlfriends to be pretty, right? Vice versa applies here! At least young, healthy looking, nice features and taller than me.

And I realised that almost all the church girls are 'shu nus' - long hair... erm, typical gu-niang look... honestly I'm not attracted as well... though, some did take the effort to dress up. I'm non 'shu-nu', nor 'sporty', I think I prefer to have the socialite rock chic look. Messy wavy locks pinned to the side with tendrils sticking out here and there. Sharp jeans with uber chic black sandals. Manicured nails. A design tee or sexy blouse. Yes.

Most of the girls were in heels. Skirt(must cover knee) Very thick makeup that day. Hair is long and straight. Boyfriends wore tee shirt and cannot-make-it-jeans. If my boyfriend was around, I'd kill him for being so lacklustre. Thank God my co-leader of the group wore a decent blue shirt and chinos to 'match' me, hahaha...plus his stunning looks, his killer style and natural camaderie did more than save the day for me. I must say that he is very considerate towards my emotions! Hope no one thinks we have something going on...

I realised that after Jazzmatazz I had a high standard of physical attraction - for me. Maybe because I've already went out with all the 'most handsome' guys in church, or they are my personal friends, that I really thought the types that presented themselves yesterday were way below average. Maybe it's only younger ones that present an attraction to me. Or perhaps my heart is someplace else, that I look through the crowd with dulled eyes, that no one else can compare to the one I deem the best. I've decided that if I know the best, the best is the best.

And after jazzmatazz we went out with the older guys to discuss about dating, love, and making the first move. Juicy topics to spark interest in me. I did learn from the discussion, about how older people thought and felt about relationships with the opposite gender in general. My cell members told me to consider marrying 'ang moh' to dance jazz with me. I thought that was quite a considerable idea.

Why Singaporean men don't dance in public anyway?

Deep talks

With some people you just wish time could cease and you don't have to stop spending time with the person because it's late, or you have to leave to someplace else.

Yes, I have the 'tell-me-your-life-story' face.

I'm always amazed that people I barely know well, will share with me honestly, what happened to them, in their lives. I'm always enriched by these recounts, almost as if I was reliving them myself. For them, I believe too, that the sharing of past hurtful experiences releases a little bit of the hurt inside, so I am happy that they choose to share, and that I am here, to listen.

Spent a nice evening with Warrie after the float parade yesterday... we did not have anywhere to go, but we just wanted to spend time talking. We had a conversation about God, too. I did not attempt to answer his questions but just listened and tried to understand his reasonings. His life story was pretty tremendous - after his girlfriend of 6 years left him for an ang-moh, he was so...out of his mind that he actually maxed out his credit cards, all 10 of them. (I was wondering, what did he buy!) a staggering sum...he had to live hand-to-mouth after that. Repaid all, already, with enough left over now. From the way he talked, I could sense that he really loved her, even though it happened some years back. This relationship was probably the deepest, which hurt the most.

Warrie's the type I like, the type of guy that just adores you, thinks the world of you despite him being successful, intelligent as well... he just brings out the best in whoever he's with. With him, I laughed and laughed, felt natural, at ease, like old friends...none of the tension and drainedness I feel when I'm with Grass. Warrie's the type that will send you to your doorstep, and take another cab home, though it makes no sense (and a waste of money too) to wait for one just 5 minutes after I've gone. He's the paying type, too. Someone trustworthy who also respects your independence. Woo, I like! Forgot to give him a goodnight kiss for being so nice, hahaha...

I realise I'm awfully blessed that at least most of my guy friends are so...chivalrous - Mr BestFriend is, so are many of the people I've dated in Trinity... awww. Although I do know of some other friends who are totally otherwise. I guess they leave a bad impression comparing to those who ae remarkably outstanding.

Talked a lot with Turtle too. She shared of previous experiences - similar to Mr BestFriend's ...her ex- passed away last year. He was 26. I could not take it, hearing of such painful stories. Sadistically we talked abou being married and what if he- our husband just dropped dead - or we, died before him. For me, I would prefer to go first. I'm not even sure my faith can stand the test of being newly-wedded and then having him pass away. For her, she would prefer to go first, as she did not want him to see her die before him. A saddening topic for a chat, but I guess death is truly unexpected. And once again I realise I'm blessed, to have parents who are vigorous and non-diseased, a healthy body, and not having tasted the bitterness of death. Turtle is strong in character because of this, and her dad having died in front of her when she was young. I remember John Amos telling me, through pain and suffering, it's not the reault that God is interested in, it's the process. Though we have many unanswered questions and cannot imagine the destiny for those, we have to trust in a greater purpose.

With some people, it's just natural to talk about deep stuff - perhaps they, in a sense, are thinkers too... or just more open to share with me. I don't know why some people, despite knowing them for quite some time, our conversation is limited to the daily affaires and mundane happenings. I relish deep thoughts though. =)

The ONE thing I'd ask

This year is the Year of the Dog.
Which is my year.
Which makes me 24 years old
But, I am born on CNY eve in the Lunar Calendar.
So I am only 23.
But my real birthday has not come around yet.
So I am still 22.

Oh it's difficult explaining how I can be two years older within a couple of weeks' difference. Arh, never mind.

More important questions at hand.

Finished one chapter - Well 95% complete of the chapter in the book/novel I'm writing. I write several chapters and little parts at a time, so that's quite good already. It's quite draining mentally as my thoughts have to 'multi task', but I do enjoy writing tremendously, it's quite a euphoric experience, though I wouldn't say better than eating chocolates.

Asked many of my Christian MSN buddies a really serious question last evening. I asked them,
"What is the ONE question you would ask God, that you really want the answer to?"

I was honestly not prepared for their answers because, I personally felt I don't have anything worth asking.

It was funny when one of them asked, "Why is Rachel asking me this question?" But all my nice MSN buddies answered openly, and sincerely. Questions like:

Will I get married?

Who will I get married to?

What is my life purpose/career/destiny?

Why am I here?

How much time left do I have?

Why does God say 'no' to prayer requests?(Those sick people we pray for, then die)

Why do miscarriages and stillborn births take place? How could God possibly have a destiny for them?

When would Jesus come back?

Why would God want to die for a person like me? Was it all worth it in the end?

Is there a shortcut to heaven? (Referring to Enoch and Elijah)

If God is real why is there war and disaster and why does He seem not to do anything about it?

Who's the right girl for me?

When is the world going to end?

Why are people not equal? (Rich, poor, different status you are born with)



I realised that there are so many questions that we do not have answers for. And more surprisingly, everyone has questions to ask. Everyone.

I have asked God the question about "Who's my life partner" before. It's strange, so many people ask this question too. Perhaps deep down inside we are also searching for the best within us. Or we are afraid of making mistakes, to fall out of His Destiny. Is there really an answer to this one? I asked those who asked this question, "Have they asked God?" Some, have not. They shared their fears about actually knowing who. Some have asked, but said they did not receive any answer. Perhaps the right one has not appeared yet! And they shared fears of not knowing, or even if knowing, fearing that they cannot accept it.

I think it's amazing that we even have the privilege to ask God... GOD! any questions.

About the question about "Who's my life partner"(More specifically, I asked last year, "Who's the best one for me?") God showed the answer - though of course I cannot be 100% certain until I get married, right. Or if I choose another man consciously.

Although I'm not so sure about accepting it yet. In fact, I'm sure I do not want it. Misapprehensions, fears, reserving the right of choice, and inclinations towards other parties.
A part of me rues the fact that I sincerely asked God, and sincerely expected an answer.

Can I accept it even though he's not what I want?

(Can he accept me, too?!)

_______________________________________

So, if God really answered our ONE question (If we asked Him), what would you think His answer would be?

And would we really want to know it?