Short term memories

We have such short, short memories. It's almost like a disease.

If not for the photos we took or the journals we scribbled in, our memories, our thoughts and happy moments would have been something that did not take place because we could not remember.

Yesterday, TheBoyfriend wanted to surprise me with a trip to the rabbit breeder where I got Mushroom. And, with a baby rabbit of my choice. But instead of the response he expected, I burst into tears. For it was there when I first got acquainted with Mushroom, amidst the Himalayans, Flemish Giants, Dwarves and Lops and I chose Mushroom, instantly. He sniffed my feet and happily ran out of the door, and ran back. I'm not ready to have another pet just yet. I worry that my current upgrading scheme would bring about another premature ending. I worry that if it's a baby rabbit it would not survive in my care.

I could not bring myself to throw away the pink food bowl, his pink and purple ball and his toilet thingy till today. I was hit by a sudden memory of him digging happily - it was his hobby to dig, as if he was making a burrow. And I felt a strange feeling of wanting to smile yet cry, something which I've never - if rarely - felt before. I'm quite in touch with my feeler side lately.

We are only human. We miss the ones we love dearly. And while being petless may seem great for a while - you do not have to 'report' to anyone, clean anyone's cage daily, or keep making trips to the supermarket for xiao bai cai and carrots... we are human after all and we need some form of companionship. Having been best-friend-less for a while now, I can say that I look to Mushroom as a close companion and even talk to him, he seems wise and I can always feel better after sharing my innermost thoughts with him and patting his head, which he loves.

I have such a short, short memory that I almost forgot what my TheBestFriend did for me.
No matter how lousy his character is or what bad impression he left others because of his misdeeds, it wasn't like that for me. It was the purest, most beautiful form of friendship one could find. A person willing to protect me from harm at all costs, willing to listen to me for hours, eagerly spending every PH watching movies, and one who sings with me through life's sorrows and sadness.

If not for his 1 year of bestfriendship, I wouldn't have bravely faced the future. And although I was chargrined to know that the good times' are too short for me to accept, I accept now that we should remember the sweetness of the memories, and not accept a substitute when we're not ready.

If I had bought some pet right now, I don't think I can feel for it as much as I do when I'm ready to accept someone new into my life. And I think, with a grateful heart, what these 2 creatures have done for my life. When it's time to let go, it's time. Mushroom may have been the bestest pet I've ever had, but I don't doubt the future ones would bring me less joy. Derrick may have been the bestest friend (male - I have one female BFF in Oz) in need for one year of my life, but it was a happy, fulfiling year and I don't doubt that despite me finding another one now, it would erase the gratitude I have towards him. At any age, we still need best friends.

some things are better left unsaid

Around this time of the year, the christmas lights are up, the trees are lighted brightly and we are reminded to go and shop. For many of us though, it's a reminiscing time, once more. After all, the things on our mind are not the latest must-haves but the people we have once shared a connection with. Some people also think about God and how far they've been. That's why so many people 'reappear' at this season, and also, many get re-attached or newly attached. Haha.

I've had many around me who are in this 'mode', lately, so it strikes me a little too. How some names are not on my to-gift list this year. Or how some names, being mentioned, still brings out mixed feelings in me. It's mixed feelings because I can't come to a conclusion...not a conclusion about my feelings but a conclusion about the character of the person. If the person was really, not a worthy person of my friendship, then I wouldn't be anguished about it fading away and almost being unremembered. I'm someone who highly values the company I keep, maybe deep down I'm hoping a hopeless hope, not just for the friendship to be restored but for the person's life and years ahead to be a happy one, like the way I'm happy now.

A friend was sharing that he once knew someone closely who never lied... some people do have flaws like lying, smoking, exaggerating... but this person just keeps quiet thus preventing herself from lying. I thought and said that this is not a bad trait, she can truthfully say she doesn't lie! As he puts it, some things are better left unsaid, and he too won't tell those who are close to him about all he has experienced or his thoughts... if we all were truthful, I wonder how many of us would be left standing? This guy is a blessed guy in the areas of...girls liking him. He has never been single for a long period of time and since the last we met, 3 girls professed their liking for him and one even cried! They said their i love yous and i want nobody nobody but you to be my boyfriend. In fact, one of them even said 'JUST FOR ONE NIGHT' !!!! Fainted, man. I can't believe that there are these kind of people... been watching too many korean/taiwanese dramas??? I think this kind of wish 'just for one night' is quite self-destructive because even if you had a good good night, what good will this memory of that one night bring you and what does it say about your morals?

Lucky for them though, he is also a decent guy and won't just accept a girl because she has professed her head over heels. And of course, not a one-night-stand also! I approved and said that it's better for the girls this way, because it'even if they get their wish of a relationship with him... they know it's not a sincere one... so in a sense, he is letting them off lightly. It's a hard balance and a hard thing to do when someone close to you likes you, LOVES you but honestly you don't feel a thing, what are you to do? Then again, most people wish for such a thing to happen to them, that someone would love them heedlessly... obsessively... isn't it so?


I know many people want to be happy, but choosing and living their own self-destructive paths is not the right way. And when things are THAT OBVIOUS to so many, it's time to do some reflecting and seriously changing of your course of action. After all, some things are left unsaid and it's better to live a moment in misery than a lifetime of regret. Some wrong choices (or passive choices) brings about circumstances that can't be changed easily, but in the end... who suffers? It's you.

posted

I don't want just a memory, give me forever... - Renee Olstead.


Dad in best 'Dato' shirt. And me in cheena CNY baju. At Sentosa.
(It was given by a Dato, not that he is one...)

We like to be flashy and bright, once a year.

Working in Chinatown, walking through the famous Pagoda Street, everyday, I see lots of such garb - satiny blouses and dresses with butterflies, peony, prints... Finally I couldn't resist and bought one! I just wonder when I am gonna wear it again.

I don't know why but I'm quite fussy about clothes although I have heard many people say, "Lucky you! You can wear just about anything." No la, I am too tall for local/HK brands so I can only wear Euro/American, which then again the length is alright, but sometimes too big at the sides... see, very difficult.

So I have deliberated for a long, long time about buying those cheena bajus. Although I didn't regret buying this one... and it wasn't expensive, but still... ... I don't think I'd wear it after CNY...Maybe I will give it to Mom if she can fit.

At least I didn't buy the Peranakan attire. I had the argument "buy it!", "no, don't buy it" in my mind for a few days, each day passing by the lovely embroidered bajus. I like these kind of stuff. And can wear to weddings too, although I'm not Peranakan, and I'm not a big fan of attending weddings, either. Oh well...

I've a new member in my TAG team... *elated!
He's a nice guy. Through this horrendous period I share to him online, well, on alternate days. I've never communicated like that on online platforms before, so this is kind of new for me. And I find it rather enjoyable. Somehow, being online, I can share more easily, more freely, without putting too much thought into what you want to say, just say it...besides I write so much more better than talking. I wonder what will happen when we meet and then I just stare at him, or into my coffee... I'm always glad when I meet people like this, because it reminds me of how nice life can be when you have someone to share to.

Although I am quite open, I don't really like to bother others with my problems and emotions, that's why I keep to a select few. However, in the past weeks I realize that God has answered my small prayer, hee hee, I just hope this lasts. When I make friends, I expect it to last for a long, long time. So, of course, after the last fiasco with Zero, and the silence from TBO, I hope this one will... go the distance. Are you like me, too? Making friends for years, or is it just a passing thing for you? I'm so happy he wants to join my TAG team, but with it also comes some small apprehensions because after all, we are just online chat buddies, right?

Or wrong?

=)

My heart calls your name

Ate nice strawberry shortcake at The Canopy today. This year, I can afford to eat more dessert...thinner mah. Hiaks.

To know that you were with one who cared for you, and who understood every fiber of your being, and who would not abandon you in even the most desperate of circumstances, that was the most precious relationship a person could have... -Christopher Paolini, 'Brisingr'.

Wrote this last month. A release of sorts. Sometimes I write better than I feel. I feel...nothing now. I hope. Writing is a form of release for me and lately in the past months I seem to be writing endlessly.


Do you know that somewhere
between dreams
When I am awake
There is a smile on my face
When I am thinking of you

Do you know that sometimes
When I am eating or
Walking back home
You hear a whisper,
It's from my heart

My heart calls your name
When it rains
It remembers when you rescued me
My heart calls your name
When the sunlight fades
Cuz that's when you sang love songs to me
Although
Each and every day
We drift so much further
Apart
I choose to believe,
Love remains.






I've missed you.

I'll be home for Christmas

Am privileged to see snow this year january, in Japan, for the first time in my life I saw snow! All the more privileged because it wasn't supposed to snow then. This is from the tatami guesthouse at Lake Kawaguchi. Mt Fuji's supposed to be in the backdrop but due to the heavy snow flurries, we couldn't see it from the window. Still, a pictureseque sight, no?

I feel happy drawing smiley faces on Christmas cookies... quite flattered when Clone's husband thought the cookies are from Famous Amos. Hee... it's nice to provide food like my usual yearly marshmallows... somehow spending hours cooking chocolately stuff just makes me feel so happy.

Mr BestFriend is overseas.

He says he'll be home for christmas. *soft sigh*

Although how much of that time I can actually spend with him, remains to be seen.

It's strange how my brain, the memory storage outlet, can remember certain things more vividly than others. I remembered last year at the same time on friday, we were supposed to meet, and go to church for the special presentation, but he couldn't make it due to the high-profile work, so we went on saturday instead, the saturday which was exactly one year ago.

And this year, LIKE last year, he also asked me... "Rach, what do you want for christmas?" *happy that he asked* Which I said the same thing as last year too http://spiritedly3.blogspot.com/2007_11_01_archive.html , haha, couldn't resist hearing his response and imagining what his expression would be like!! (We were on the phone.)

Maybe here, I should explain why this friendship means so much to me. During certain points of times in your lives, you make friends that will be around for a lifetime. Maybe on and off you guys cease to meet, but each time you find the time to meet up, you both pick up from where you've left off. And... you know that they are the kind of people you want in your life. Always concerned enough to meet you late at night for supper or pray with you on the phone until you are soothed, etc... You know they'll won't miss your wedding for the world, you'll know you want them to be at the hospital to witness the birth of your child, sans makeup; and they'll always compliment your cooking, always check to see if you're alright, always be there.

Because of all the bad decisions and emotional downturns I've been through just the past year, I was reluctant to again share my life with other guys I did not know, knowing that deep down inside, those kinda guys are only around for a seasonal period, and then after they have departed, you find that you can't really remember them or even recall why were you so close to them in the first place. Right.

But because we have experienced similar yet different stuff at the same time, we found that we could comprehend and begin to make sense of what happened, and moving forward.

I know that some people find it difficult to encourage others, IE, how can I encourage others in relationship-matters when mine has also recently failed? How can I encourage someone in my work when mine seems to be going downhill/nowhere...etc. So truly I am doubly, triply more touched that MrBestFriend put his own needs aside and just talked to me on the phone even at times when I couldn't talk. At first, I was reticent to accept him in my life again. We were close about 5 years ago, but we both knew the reasons why we just had to drift apart. And now, I was fearing the same thing, one day we would drift apart for basically the same reasons. Some might call it the same mistake, but it is in different contexts... ... But because of his sincerity and devotion to our renewed friendship, I was bowled over, and I can truly happily say I'm glad that he self-called himself my best friend, because, he really is.

So when we don't get to meet recently I am cranky and frustrated... it's like missing a star team player. It's nice to know he misses me, too. But it's even more nice to know if in the future things can be like they were last year! The economy seems to drive people apart. I don't want to live in a place where people are all living so close to each other but we never seem able to meet. I hope it's only temporary. I hate the irony... that only when something is taken away from you, then you wonder if you had done your best by him, that you have been worthy, that you regretted complaining about his irritating parts, and now he's not here all those little irritations seem inconsequential and it becomes a distant memory? I'm brutally honest and MrBestFriend knows that he does, irritate me at times, especially when he keeps harping on topics which is just not in my interest. Although now, I'd be willingly to listen to him talk, about anything...

I made a christmas wish. I wished that, I could just spend one day with him. I would be happy if this christmas wish comes true.

When love can't wait

Learning to love someone means you first have to learn to forgive them,
over, and over again
The human heart is frailer than we expect;
It bleeds with a misplaced word or a harsh look
Yet deep in our hearts we find the propensity
To forgive, when it hurts the most
To try again, where hope seems futile
To reach out to help someone else
When inside, we are suffering.

I've realized, that although we have both guarded our hearts towards each other,
we share about our lives
My human heart is foolish, I didn't expect
That I wuold memorize the care we've shared
And deep in my heart I find the capacity
To smile with my eyes, only at you
To enjoy the countless moments
You're one of the most important people in my life
I wish you will be here, always, by my side.

(wrote this at the 315 bus stop.)

Have you forgotten me?
Sometimes I think you have.
I would like to forget you, too.
When I was depressed because I did not learn to embrace my emotions, I was sad.
In the year that followed, I believe I did learn to identify and release my emotions with courage; and care for others - you were the first one I could care about.
That's why you are important.
I was at Orchard Road yesterday with Kie and Dree.
I was singing christmas songs to myself because I had to sing, for the christmas party.
It's my first public singing after the traumatic year.
I had a sudden realization of how I came to this stage where I could even dare to sing.
It's because of your encouragement, the times we walked along Adam Road to Orchard Road
I was always afraid to sing, only daring to sing one line...or two.
But now I dare to sing, a lot, because... ...
And that memory suddenly stirred up in me,
And there was no more Kie and Dree (how lame! it rhymes)
Have you forgotten me?
But I still remember you.

Talking to various ones in our group made me realize that hey, everyone has their own bittersweet memories about the past loves - bitter because they are already 'ex-es' but sweet because it reminds them of how they used to love another; though the reasons for them being 'ex-es', some reasons may be more poignant and others a matter of inconvienience, the ones around me are scared like me too, to forget to guard their hearts, to somehow fall, again...why are they scared to love? Why are they scared to find someone else? I can see it in their eyes.

Yet I can also see in their eyes that they want to, have a happy ending, like everyone else.

A birthday card

Before meeting some of the gang today, I went a-shopping for a birthday card. I think this is the first time this year I wanted to buy a birthday card! Both Kie and Architect told me to make one, but seeing the 'doomed' state of my last handmade card never reaching its recipient, I was hesitant at spending so much time on the birthday card, only to see it reaching the same fate.

But I couldn't find a suitable one, all those for sale seemed to be too kiddish or else, too wordy, filled with words that were too meaningful, that seemed too much - when all I wanted to say couldn't be summed up in a simple birthday card. How do I say that I've missed you without being too mushy or oversentimental, how do I say it in a way without making you feel bad and saying that I do understand, I somehow understand: how your work is, how your situation is, and how you are like, and how it has to end, but...I still feel a little bit sad, a wee bit, when you are not there to share the times of laughing, the times of bantering we have in the group, when you are not there to meet the new guys, to like them, to find them interesting and fascinating the way I do?

And do you think it is stupid, the way I hold on to those happy moments, and the way the happy moments make me feel sad? In many ways I am becoming more like you, just that I feel that this is not the way I want to live. It is too difficult.

I have asked myself for my true motives(to be close to you at the beginning), maybe I am insecure so I want a handsome guy by my side?

Maybe I just like the sound of your voice, singing the tacky 90s love songs?

Maybe 'you gave me, something' that Kie, Architect, Jelly, etc could not? A deeper friendship? Maybe I needed a movie buddy? Maybe just someone to talk to on the phone? Maybe someone to help me forget the pain? Maybe!

And...

When I quiz myself on all these (actually why am I quizing myself, I am clueless, it is just 'the curse of a thinker woman')...

I always come to the same conclusion. And I'm afraid, afraid that this is just a pipe dream, a passing cloud, a vapor in the wind. Right now I always keep you in prayer. When it's raining I always wonder whether you are in the jungle shivering. When I'm overworked I wonder if you are more overworked and overwrought than me. And I am scared that it's the beginning of the end.

I have not bought the birthday card yet. =( Maybe there will be no birthday card...

tattooed

The Shakespeare guy said, 'the course of true love never did run smooth.'
I've always liked this chinese phrase that was popularized in a watch commercial, it says, 'heck care about timeless love to the ends of the earth, only care that you once have had, and had cherished' ...to that effect. Maybe by holding it close to my heart it spells out my destiny as all my loves seem thwarted by some unseen force.

I don't mean to make others remember their deep, past loves too, but I guess that somehow, I do. I'm sorry but at this point of time I just have sudden, stinging, poignant recollections...even whilst surfing FB (which I seem to be active on lately) I just surfed to a young chap's profile, a guy who used to hang out with Zero, those buddy sessions of playing games, and I remembered the last time we bumped into him, somehow, my mind has a life of its own and although this week I have been generally chirpy (and able to sleep well and all), THAT memory of something insignificant by all senses made me sleepless! And chatting with Mr Hans lately, too - we share fond memories and he suggested (not your fault, Hans, it's mine) we catch up to share how we miss Zero and I was... !!!

-_-

I know him too well, I feel that it's MYSELF that I don't know. Thoughts and feelings alien to me cloud my mind recently.

Okay. I shall hypnotize myself, lalala.

Was busy this week filming a tattoo show - I always wanted to do something like that, being a fan of Miami Ink's style. I think people, myself included have misconceptions about Tattoo artists' work... and the people who do them. So far, all the locals we have interviewed are really nice, in fact they are quite camera-shy and introverted - I guess you have to be of a calm and quiet disposition to be really good at the art. I've always wanted a tattoo but I never knew what to get, I always jokingly/half-seriously told my friends I'd do my husband's name on my ass... hope his name is not long, like 'christopher'... Being bored and also for the sake of creating a good video, I got the organizer Kirby to do one for me. Uninked, of course... so I told him what I liked and he drew ...robot wabbit. Haha. I think that somehow it does describe me. It's funny how others can see you better than yourself sometimes. So, well, I have been under the needle. The pain is bearable, lesser than I imagined but at certain points it's cringifying. My parents were cool about it, showed it to Mom who started quoting Bible verses, showed it to Dad who thought it was 'fake blood' (because it's un-inked, it is 'inked' with my blood, so the outline is red, actually, quite gross to look at closely) and when I told him it was MY blood he went 'eeks'!

Hahaha.

I also saw many people who did portraits of their wives/gf on their chest, close to their heart, I thought that was really meaningful. What better way to keep them close.

Maybe I need one tattoo of a heart with a small crack to represent the meaning of this intensity, this 'what happened'-ness.

sighed

On rainy days, I like to introspectively reminisce on nice times shared, somehow the tumultous times spent last year and the better memories that go along with it sprouts in my mind. Maybe being overworked and overtired and slightly soggy from being in the rain and having a wet umbrella as part of your appendage makes me feel super... ... MELANCHOLY!

Talking with Architect today helped me to remember a lot of things. I found that due to my depressive state last year, there were some memory lapses. It's nice to forget, true, but also feel bad at not-remembering.

So...I remembered how I met Mr Hans. At that point of time I knew God has intended me to meet him for some reason, (not THAT reason) which I could not fathom at that point...later I realised that MrBestFriend had brought him to church, and MrBestFriend has apparently disappeared off the face of the earth, despite some leaders' relentless belief... ... always one for challenges, and hoping that MrBestFriend would remember that once upon a time we were close, I persistently smsed him, about my Melaka trips, about the way I was... till one day he responded, and we watched movies together and became best friends. Thanks to Mr Hans - maybe God also prompted him to speak to me that day. And I realised that MrBestFriend was the most appropriate one to help me through the bleakest time in my life, uplifted by the singing of love songs... ... and I also encouraged him to contact the ex-gf...

Maybe now I regret it.

Architect was kinda affected by my mood - so he asked me to think about what I'd like to do to be happy.

I realised that besides being at the horizon of sand and sea and feeling the ocean spray on my face, I'd be happy...in Melaka, eating peanut butter sandwiches everyday for breakfast and sleeping in a place where you are awakened by the sound of birds chirping...I'd be happy!

I'd also be happy watching movies, back to back with MrBestFriend. Any movie.

Sigh. Sigh. sighsighsigh.

questioned

I built some small sandcastle...

When I wrote your name on the sand.

Quite like most young lovers were wont to do - I wrote your name in the sand.

Pantai Lanjut, the beach where I had spent most of my childhood memories, one of the most unspoilt shores on the east coast of the Peninsula I was familar with; where all the 'restorans' in the nearby towns of Kuala Rompin and Mersing offered decent, unbelievably tasty food at unbelievably low prices. That beach was the place I spent the better part of my weeknd, missing you - not wanting to admit that I was, missing you.

At first, I wrote your name, z--- in font size 300, in caps - Your name looks better in caps. And then I added a 'heart' in front.
Followed by 'i'.

I HEART Z---.

But, I was never one to say; or do, (or write) something I did not feel wholeheartedly - the unspoken curse of a thinker woman, I added additional words.

Perhaps, the feeling of love, trust and respect I knew I already had just did not translate to a proclaimation of an 'I LOVE YOU' on the beach of my sweet memories; despite the fact that there weren't anyone around to witness it - I was the only one around for miles, save the little sand crabs and a much bigger one I saw everyday chasing the waves that lapped on the shore. It reminded me of Mr Krabs, somehow - I couldn't help saying to him 'Hi Mr Krabs!' in my best impersonation of Spongebob.

So it was written on the sand,
'DO I HEART Z---?'

The addition of 'Do', and '?' seemed so...looming, especially the '?', it seemed to be mocking the inner sanctums of my soul.

I stared at what I had written for a long time, hoping that somehow a powerful wave would wipe it away, along with my troublesome thoughts.

That question shall be left unanswered for now.
Some questions need no answers.

Maybe missing someone equals loving someone, or worrying too much about someone signifies that you care, more than you think, more than you know, more than you care to write about.

Endless stretch of sand and sky... and you're the only one on the beach


The relaxing path to the honeymooner suite... (I din stay there)


the path leads to this beautiful place...


view from garden of honeymooner suite!


honeymooner suite...immediately feel so romantic, having a house with such greenery...


Casaurinas - natural, not planted, line the sandy beach...


every angle is scenic - spot the tiny man and son - the only people i've spotted at the beach during my days there


more casaurina trees...


i just love the ocean spray...


Slow, lapping waves swishing...


Endless stretch of sand and sky... and you're the only one on the beach

Ok, back to reality.

frustrated

Every moment spent with you, is a moment I treasure...


Frustrated wabbit.

Ches is back. Not here, but in his hometown. We talked briefly, on msn.


Kie is back. And I'm meeting him tomorrow. Sweet!


Zero is...? I don't know whether he's back or not. He doesn't seem to be responding and I don't know the reason. I don't know what I should do, or think, or feel, so...
being overtired, I just want to remember the nice times, and wish that we could have them again, so... I try to be cheerful and have a take it easy kinda mentality.

Although sometimes I wish that when I call him he is not in the jungle. Hearing his voice soothes my jangled nerves somehow. (Having massage works too!)

This week, I've met people who are both... cool, and uncool.
Because I'm overtired and frustrated, I think my response to both the positive and the negative influence of people... affects me deeply.

I met Grapefruit the other day from Cat's introduction. Honestly I didn't really have a positive impression at first - was tired, cold, wet and hungry so I wasn't in the best of moods - but after, he showed that he was a really cool chap by arranging me a hosting gig (yay! catch me at the book fair *fingers crossed) and introducing me to people my company can partner with. So now we are partnering with this education organization which is a really, really big deal for us... and hopefully I can shoot, produce, host and script this entire thing as well. Today we met, and I can tell he's a really nice person - although he may come across as overbearing, he is a kindly, helpful, open and cheerful person who is really sweet too. I think I will enjoy working with him. It's people like this that are really great, not just helping you in your biz, but on a personal level, as well. I can't tell for sure whether we will have a long partnership, but I know that his advice is not only solid, it comes with the genuine intention to help.

Another guy, Breadfruit, left me with a baddddd aftertaste. We are working together on some projects. He is not as bad as KillerWhale, but... I felt so frustrated after communicating with him. As we are friends and I like his design, I have the privilege to decide to 'use his services' (for lack of better term) for one confirmed project which he is paid $xxx, already confirmed with The Boss, with myself and him. So okay. Previously as a friend we also wanted to collaborate with each other on another project which, he is doing like goodwill for me,as a friend. But suddenly, he said: 'let us establish the fee first.' I was baffled. I said, 'Didn't we agree (this was about 3 months ago we agreed and confirmed) that this one is no fee?' He had the cheek to quote me that X company's market rate is $xxxx for a similar genre project. And followed by saying for the current project, he felt that he is 'underpaid'.

I was so upset because, he is so NOT COOL - firstly we are paying above the market rate...for this, and if he views this not as a friendship but some biz transaction, then in the first place, don't agree with the price/no fee if you are NOT OKAY with it right! And then complain later. I've already axed some people who 'cannot make it' -he 'can make it' - but with such an attitude, it's hard for me to continue. Plus, I was the one who got him this project so instead of being grateful - I don't expect that - he still tells me he is paid below the market rate? @#$%#@!

So, I checked with 'independent sources' and yes, they do pay $xxx BUT it's for like possibly up to 3 days of work whereas the current one he's doing? 5 hours. And that one, is professional level one... Sigh.

I felt that maybe he is using my ignorance and kindness and trust and love to rip The Boss off (since the moolah comes from Boss right)... All I can say is that, even if he is hard up for the dough he could have at least approached/discussed in a better way. So this whole thing leaves me with a bad aftertaste. I am tensed now even thinking about it. My Boss always says if it's too difficult, leave it for now and concentrate on other things. That's good advice aye?

profiled

Photo pulled from old hard disk - Was in Aceh, tsunami rebuilding effort of '04. Have a sudden urge to go build a house again. Or just to be somewhere with open skies,doing something meaningful.

Almost halfway through 'Persuasion' by Jane Austen. In summary it is about a lady, strong in character but not blessed by looks or charm, who wrestles with issues of long-ago. Her father is a Baron so some issues were about judging people by their birth and the underlying questioning about what is the significance and which is more important? I'm surprised to find that the issues of yesteryear still remain today, the ruthless questioning about identity and we do still judge people by whether they are the son of the president of the bank or by looks or by work status, somehow I just dislike that, although I must admit that too often I am guilty of it myself.

And I have the unfortunate position of being judged by many today. Was in The Church for an event. Caught up with a dear friend, a tall guy, before that, for dinner so sat with TallGuy. As TallGuy is someone highly respected/admired by all, automtically people would look and see who he's with..right... and that's still okay with me although I happen to be the sit at the back row and go unnoticed, obscure, low profile type these days. He was even being interviewed by The Church media and photographed infront of everyone (I 'siamed' the photographers)...haha actually he was blushing also, first time I saw my old friend blush, did enjoy the moment and saying 'You are blushing' which made him blush further and he denied...LOL. But you can imagine the attention which I really did not like. I feel that people sometimes distract you from the things you should focus on which was the reason I never like attending some events... So of course, MORE people noticed the highly respectable and admired friend of mine and more people noticed lil old me. Because my friend is the person he is, I feel being totally judged by those pairs of eyes - I don't think they were intentionally profiling me or should I have deserved the undue attention if I had not come with him, but I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate the fact that people should profile and judge, and while a part of me wants to play up some misconceptions that people have about me, another part of me wished fervently that I was not in this position. Some people even nudged him and asked about me in front of him! Roar! (Dear best friend, if you are reading this, know that you are subjected to the same scrutiny and people ASSUME that we are having some other relationship than friendship. If you must know.) This just spoils the friendship, makes it awkward for both parties - what to say if someone asks? 'At this point of time we are not attached thank you very much' or 'Not my type'? or worse, 'CMI (cannot make it)'? How hurt the other person would be, as a friend. There is no way to go about this! I even feel bad just wanting to whisper funny random thoughts that I have in my mind, to him! Of course I'm sure he feels bad on my behalf too. Who asked him to be single for SO LONG and respected by all?

Sidetrack: We have the same idea of not letting our kids watch TV till they are about 7 years old, at least.
...

On a brighter note, had a nice conversation with MrCheerful. It's been too long since I've seen a burst of sunshine on the other side, in the usual drearyness and drudgery of daily work. Did tell him so, although I don't even think he has an inkling of how much that meant, to me. Although all of us today face similar issues to what Jane Austen's contemporaries did, I think we 'get rid' of it faster, owing to new technology distractions...the availability of people to rant at by sms- phone-or on msn. So we feel less disturbed/angry etc, but at the same time we fail to build up our character which we can only in a place where there is the absence of the crowd, and the strength of thought. And in these times we find that our character is stronger than we thought it to be, and our spirit more positive than dwelling in those unhappy moments and reliving them by repeating it to countless msn buddies. I'm a low-tech person because I want more peace in my life. I just need one phone which works and one mp3 player which I don't need to read the user manual for and one man in my life who truly loves me and understands what I'm talking about.


Although maybe sometimes listening to what is left unsaid is more important than understanding what was said.

mister best friend

At home today, sickly. Must be the worst ever killer flu I've had. I seem to go around infecting other people too. Probably infected hundreds of unsuspecting people at Vivocity yesterday. The good thing is that I have absolutely no appetite at all - and the coughing has made my stomach firm so I will look good at the beach in thailand two weeks later... Still, hate being sick. I've been sick almost every couple of weeks with some ailment or the other. My immune system is compromised.

Finally caught 'Made of Honor' - I've been wanting to watch it since I saw the preview a few months back. Watched it with Jelly. It's hilarious! I liked the show very much, especially when some parts mirror my life. I guess it's every girl's secret wish to have a nice, handsome best friend who is with you through every step of the way, and I'm more than blessed to have that.

ShaoHong, my MrBestFriend, I have been chattering to him since I was 14, and he, 15. And he's stayed with me throughout till I was about 22 - he's also my motivation for praying about The Best One. We've been through lots of stuff. Watched him grow up. From a skinny chap to one hunk (still abit thin) now. He's always been so cool and handsome and wise and crappy. I've always been so glad that we lived near each other, taking long walks from my place to his and his to mine... having all my boyfriends jealous of our closeness and the subsequent fights. I've never told him all these. I actually treasure this friendship more than the transient boyfriends, so if they were upset, it was only a matter of time before it ended. I hope The Best One will take kindly to my best friend... if not... heh.

For a long time I thought no one could ever replace his place in my heart... until...

Handsome and neurotic!

Captain Zero came flying back into my life again after a pause of 3 years, and insisted he was my best friend. At first, I was slightly amused, but as time goes on, found it to be true. I was hesitant to let anyone come in again, I thought I didn't really need him...

The bad things that both of us have gone through last year only serves to reinforce the strength of our ties, and I'm honestly grateful that he is there for me, and will be, hopefully, for a long time. I'm always guarded about letting people come into my life, especially after all that has happened, so I'm glad I can trust Zero and whine to him when I am sick. (He said.)

Handsome and romantic! Haha... At Vivocity also.

It's quite worthwhile to have a best friend in your life, someone who is there for you, every step of the way, and will support you even if you fall in love with the wrong guy...