enveloped

Today,
I was in the bookstore, getting my hands on a Nicholas Sparks’ read for the weekend (I bought ‘Message in a Bottle’) when suddenly, I felt like writing you a letter.

I remembered my last letter to you.
And the last, last letter.

Both were never received because they were never sent.

The last, last – was written on pink paper with sakura prints. And sealed in a sakura-printed envelope. I carried it around in my bag for days, although I knew that it wasn’t possible we would meet, then.

Eventually, pink letter ended up on my table as a coaster of sorts.

Because I couldn’t bear to throw it away.
Because carrying it around everyday reminded me of you.

Even if you had wanted to read it, the water marks left by daily drinking cups sitting on it had already rendered it unreadable. But I still remember vaguely what I wrote.

I think I was scolding you.

The last letter, was written on Korean designed paper which came in a tiny size. I used two tiny papers and one envelope. I sneaked the paper out of my sister’s drawer (Sorry!) because I just wanted to write you, then.

I think what I wrote was cheery, and trite. Partly because I wanted you to be happy – I want everyone to be happy – and not worry about me. I know you did.

Something that was blithe but also quite insincere.

I carried around that letter in my white small bag, you know, the one I bought from Bangkok in June. I put it in that bag because we were supposed to meet that day.

But we didn’t meet and the letter is still in that bag.
I’m not going to write anymore letters to you – those words that came from and left my heart but got lost along the way.

I wanted to write a letter to you today, but I didn’t know what to write.

I think,
It’s better that I stop.

frustrated

Every moment spent with you, is a moment I treasure...


Frustrated wabbit.

Ches is back. Not here, but in his hometown. We talked briefly, on msn.


Kie is back. And I'm meeting him tomorrow. Sweet!


Zero is...? I don't know whether he's back or not. He doesn't seem to be responding and I don't know the reason. I don't know what I should do, or think, or feel, so...
being overtired, I just want to remember the nice times, and wish that we could have them again, so... I try to be cheerful and have a take it easy kinda mentality.

Although sometimes I wish that when I call him he is not in the jungle. Hearing his voice soothes my jangled nerves somehow. (Having massage works too!)

This week, I've met people who are both... cool, and uncool.
Because I'm overtired and frustrated, I think my response to both the positive and the negative influence of people... affects me deeply.

I met Grapefruit the other day from Cat's introduction. Honestly I didn't really have a positive impression at first - was tired, cold, wet and hungry so I wasn't in the best of moods - but after, he showed that he was a really cool chap by arranging me a hosting gig (yay! catch me at the book fair *fingers crossed) and introducing me to people my company can partner with. So now we are partnering with this education organization which is a really, really big deal for us... and hopefully I can shoot, produce, host and script this entire thing as well. Today we met, and I can tell he's a really nice person - although he may come across as overbearing, he is a kindly, helpful, open and cheerful person who is really sweet too. I think I will enjoy working with him. It's people like this that are really great, not just helping you in your biz, but on a personal level, as well. I can't tell for sure whether we will have a long partnership, but I know that his advice is not only solid, it comes with the genuine intention to help.

Another guy, Breadfruit, left me with a baddddd aftertaste. We are working together on some projects. He is not as bad as KillerWhale, but... I felt so frustrated after communicating with him. As we are friends and I like his design, I have the privilege to decide to 'use his services' (for lack of better term) for one confirmed project which he is paid $xxx, already confirmed with The Boss, with myself and him. So okay. Previously as a friend we also wanted to collaborate with each other on another project which, he is doing like goodwill for me,as a friend. But suddenly, he said: 'let us establish the fee first.' I was baffled. I said, 'Didn't we agree (this was about 3 months ago we agreed and confirmed) that this one is no fee?' He had the cheek to quote me that X company's market rate is $xxxx for a similar genre project. And followed by saying for the current project, he felt that he is 'underpaid'.

I was so upset because, he is so NOT COOL - firstly we are paying above the market rate...for this, and if he views this not as a friendship but some biz transaction, then in the first place, don't agree with the price/no fee if you are NOT OKAY with it right! And then complain later. I've already axed some people who 'cannot make it' -he 'can make it' - but with such an attitude, it's hard for me to continue. Plus, I was the one who got him this project so instead of being grateful - I don't expect that - he still tells me he is paid below the market rate? @#$%#@!

So, I checked with 'independent sources' and yes, they do pay $xxx BUT it's for like possibly up to 3 days of work whereas the current one he's doing? 5 hours. And that one, is professional level one... Sigh.

I felt that maybe he is using my ignorance and kindness and trust and love to rip The Boss off (since the moolah comes from Boss right)... All I can say is that, even if he is hard up for the dough he could have at least approached/discussed in a better way. So this whole thing leaves me with a bad aftertaste. I am tensed now even thinking about it. My Boss always says if it's too difficult, leave it for now and concentrate on other things. That's good advice aye?

named

2 carrats?


Religious or angelic names are no longer restricted to Old or New Testament Biblical names these days. Instead, new creations like Nevaeh (Heaven spelled backwards) has zipped up to #31 on the Social Security Administration's list of popular names. Also flying high: Heaven, Grace, Faith, Trinity, Genesis, Miracle, and Messiah. -'Top Baby Names Trend of 2008'; http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/articleab.aspx?cp-documentid=11257635&page=3

I've always wanted to name my daughter (if I have one) - Trinity, now I think I have to think of another name. Having a common name myself, I've always wanted unique but not weird names for my future potential offspring. For male kids, I'd name them after nice friends' names - Derrick, Todd, Frank, Christopher, Edvarcl, Gifford, Chester (Wah, actually my friends have unique names) or ex-lovers - JunJie, Lawrence, Louie, Ridwan, Ivan, Joseph, Mark, Colin ... LOL! Nooooooo.

Ok so now you know the names in my little book...

My feet, still swollen from the standing/walking for hours. I hope I don't get varicose veins. Went to Kenko's for a foot massage, WOW! It was one of the most fantastic massages I went to - no wonder people keep raving about it. Me, too. *raves. It's not like the Thai ones where they press the points with a wooden stick and not like Chinese traditional foot reflex where they try to 'unblock' your meridien points... it's almost like a spa, gently but firmly kneading and pressing away your tension... and the results are instant, instantly felt better for my midnight shoot. Was at supperclub filming models and it was fun! Meanwhile, I can actually see the muscles on my calves and my back firming up, which is good because I need to lose about 2 kg of fat which is wobbling around. Now I have this problem with tummy fats... It seems to be truly, the hardest to get rid off. Shall wean myself off the late nights prata and chomp chomp supper feasts. Also trying to drink more water because I think it helps with the energy levels and the health levels - I successfully drank 1 litre of Evian, the only mineral water taste I like, in the evening yesterday. Aim to down 2 litres a day!


Bought some more chirashi to add to my collection and to put in my new office. I only collect those with cityscape themes so... so far only have a few. But now I think I will just collect those that makes me happy when I look at it. Like this one - Nights in Rodanthe.



It's just so pretty! I think Japanese design always looks nicer somehow. I also bought the 'Made of Honor' one. Captain Zero asked me to go watch it with him when it's out! So it's 'bought in advance' hee. My editor likes 'Stitch', I got one for him, he was SO HAPPY! And immediately pasted it on the wall.


Nice... didn't buy it though.



So cute, maybe buy for meoworks if say the shop stocks it soon...


Also nice! Very pretty! Will look good as wedding invite... *bookmarks it for the future...


SIDETRACK...
Talking about wedding rings, (no, I'm not planning ahead) I just shot at SK Jewellery - they have good deals! And one of the shop guys gave me a lowdown on their jewellery, especially diamond rings.

The current 8 days issue also mentions about diamond rings...I had to buy it because my favorite Andrea Fonseka was on the cover...

And did you know the Jurong point outlet is a factory outlet of sorts where even their Soo Kee brand goes on sale for 70% off?

Well...

Because I was filming them, I took the diamond opportunity to demand, 'SHOW ME YOUR MOST EXPENSIVE RING' and they did!

Actually not very expensive, about $3K + only...

Looks like a normal solitaire also, I guess I'm not a diamond kinda gal.

So I told the nice sales guy what I liked and what I don't.
Guys, take note if your next girlfriend is as...knowledgeable as me.


The normal, standard engagement ring, presenting the diamond solitaire!

I don't like. Just too common - square ones even WORSE looking. I also don't like the 4 prong... I asked him if there were 3 prongs but he said that the diamond may drop off -_- so only works for small diamonds... Tiffany's one is signature 6 prongs.


This kind...will make any gu-niang go misty-eyed.

I'm sure you are wondering what my fave type is.
Since I'm so...knowledgeable.

Similar to baby names, something unique but not too weird.

Actually I do like:


Heart shaped cut! V rare - difficult to do and not often bought by guys I presume. SK only has one model and it is 3 small diamonds put together instead of the difficult one diamond. I asked if it comes in other colours like, pink diamond? Sales guy said have, only at Larry Jewellery ...

And it costs $30K!

-_0

At that price I think I prefer husband to put the downpayment on the house, hor... I also will be scared to wear it out, must hire bodyguards, or finger guards...

And my fave, fave cut:


It's the marquise cut.

Actually I also didn't know that's the name of it until I described it to the sales guy.

Marquise cut always looks nice, and unique too. Not too flashy like a big round bling. But sleek and lean like me. LOL


In yellow diamond, nice man!


Many marquises


Retro style, with sapphire


Elongated, I like this one too!

Meanwhile, I'm moving office. To a place I've always wanted to live in, since I was young my dream house was a shophouse with black windows and I've got it. Thanks Boss, I give him a bit of credit...

It looks bare now, but I shall buy some rugs and wallcoverings! Ikea has the 2009 catalogue out!

convoluted

It's been crazy days.
I'm glad to be alive, and healthy... protected in God's umbrella despite the financial turmoil - seems to be doing good for my co. Maybe my biz is recession-proof, but I also feel for those who have been hit. Some of my clients are selling their land - something they should hold onto because land prices don't dip, but I guess I understand that they do need the spare funds, or are withdrawing it for a purpose.

I'm so tired - over tired, thanks to the insomnia I've been having lately plus the long hours standing on my feet. The long hours on feet, thanks to lots of jobs that suddenly popped up. I'm filming EVERY weekend - I think I can take a months' leave in Dec/Jan... plus the long hours talking to people? Scoping out places? Trying to make sure everything goes smoothly - *tired laughter. It's hard to smile or make others smile for the camera when all you can think of is... other things, haha. It's hard to sleep when someone/somethings/someone and somethings suddenly pops into your mind as if it has hired a small little elf to shout at you, saying, hey, 'HERE' is what you're supposed to think about. And although you encourage your mind not to think about it, it does exactly the opposite; so without resorting to drastic measures like hypnosis, you just let it wander until you fall into a dreary, gray, empty restless shell of sleep which is rudely awakened all too soon by the relentless pounding of upgrading going on under my staircase landing...

It's hard to remain positive when you're tired.

Worse still, missing someone/something/someone and somethings. (Actually I miss lots of things... my bed, my sleep, my Melaka, my bestfriend, my msbestfriend, my unaching body, my formerly eyebagleseyes...my sanity...)

My trusted secrets-keeper Kie is still away so no one to use as a punching bag, I mean confidante...No, I don't have much secrets, just horrific stories about my purely evil thoughts...

Rant.

On another note my new colleague who sits behind me (we are both facing walls), who also faces extremely stressful projects like meee, is acting kinda cute and cheeky. I think the stress brings out the chirpy cute side of him because he doesn't seem to be so cute...He makes funny sounds when stressed, complains in a one-liner on msn, eats The Boss' cookies; and today, said 'goodnight darling' in french. Hee... amused.

confessed

Everyone has gone mad.

Sugar-Daddy-Wannabe has been bugging me for some time with smses and calls of which I seldom responded, or responded curtly. Today, on the telephone:

SDW: I think I have never confessed this to you, but I really like you.
Me: (not amused) Oh, I don't know what to say.
SDW: I just keep thinking of you and would like to get to know you better.
Me: *grunts sardonically*


Later, he smsed me

'Hope you don't feel more awkward after I told you my feelings!'

... I don't feel awkward, I feel damned sad for his wife.

Zero called too, we talked for a wee bit. =)

cleaned

Two people told me today (Sunday) about waiting for their best one and God also told them about their best one. I shall deem it as a coincidence.

1. Lady friend who's getting married this year. I bumped into her after service and we had time to talk. On the way to the bus stop, she told me to peruse her blog and read about how she waited for the best, knowing that God will give her the best. She felt kinda kanjong but settled it in her heart. Then a few months later she met her husband. That was 2 years ago, when she was the same age as me. I told her to pray for me, since her prayers are so powerful, ha.

2. Guy friend who's now a Creative, told me on msn that he had the same response, he asked God 'WHY?', too, when he found out about his TBO. And... God told him SIX YEARS AGO!!! Plus, God even told HER MOTHER! *fainted* The story's too long and I guess too personal to put it here but...it's just starting now and I'm so excited for him!

I'm somehow thankful that he shared this to me, now. I asked him whether he had asked God who's his TBO (which I did) and he said that he simply asked God to choose for him because he don't know how to choose, and You know the best... *in awe*

Actually I think...
I shall just not think about anything, and continue cleaning my room.

Stupid Zero. I know he's not serious. But since he said that stupid thing, I keep thinking of it, and realize... realize... actually don't know I realize what... that my life somehow seems incomplete without his love songs. Roarr.



I've been in a sort of cleaning and gymming frenzy - now that there's a gym that opened just downstairs, been running on the step-glide machine - for some reason I can't run outdoors but gym is great, and rowing; running and rowing away from my thoughts. Haha! I reorganized my whole wardrobe and wiped every speck of dust off my cupboards today too. Which is very unlike me.

Well if anything good comes out of this, it will be that I will have a clean room and a good body.

considered

A conversation last evening on the telephone.

We were talking about work, and life, when I said 'I miss you', not just missing the silhouette of the person, but the very essence of differentiation that the person brings to your life, the subtle nuances that angles life in a very different way. I miss the way Zero always brings a touch of romance and idealism into my everyday life. I am sentimental too, I just prefer to be a bit more easygoing, an European style... ... but I guess he understood too because he said 'I miss you too'. The conversation took off in another tangent, when...

Zero: (not-seriously) ...Forget about TBO, will you...consider me?
Me: OK.
Me: I need a diamond ring.
Zero: Give me a few years!

o_0

I have to say that I am very touched.


I think I am sending out too many love vibes this week. Better finish my story.

translated

A conversation last evening on the telephone.


We were talking about languages, Germany and postcards when we began conversing in our limited knowledge of the language.
Me: Guten morgen (good morning)
MrCheerful: Guten Nacht (good night)
Me: Ich verste... (Trying to say 'I don't understand : Ich verstehe Nicht)
MrCheerful: Ich liebe dich... (i love you)
Me: I don't understand, Ich verstehe...
MrCheerful: Ich liebe dich, I LOVE YOU, LA!

o_0

It's not everyday that you get shouted this phrase by guys on the telephone. Hee.

I'm trying to write a short story - going to type paragraphs everyday this week and it should be finished by the end of the week. I've had this story idea for ages and I've tried to write a novel out of it but it becomes too melancholy. It's about love but not in the conventional sense - questioning about love when it's in the wrong context and how different people come to terms with it when it is revealed to them in a shocking turn of events. Well, stay tuned if you are interested to read.

On another note will be paid for the first time for my copywriting, next month, am really happy because I've always wanted to write, and get some returns on it. Probably buy myself a little something to commemorate it, hee...

fashion grand prix

confused

What is a godly response?

Lately, I've been wondering if hearing from God is a good thing, or not.
I've mentioned lately that sometimes the most stressful thing can be - not knowing what to do. I've realised through the events of the last few years that the tumultuous early 20s helps us to handle stress better. I'm sure most of my peers hav been through failed relationships, job and industry changes, a switch from working to studying or vice versa, and all these has helped us to grow, so that we can make more mature decisions in our 30s (like not buying china milk powder to poison our infants...haha...couldn't help it.)

As an extrovert, I am affected by external environments and situations not within my control. That is why sometimes I am indecisive, like a lot of other people. But I've decided to listen, to God. Obedience brings blessings, it's been said. I've never said "No", only "why"... ...

I can't say insincere words, so I am not saying anything.
Tell me, what is a godly response? Pray - haven't I prayed enough for the one thing left in my life which have not been answered yet... ... Hope? Or just decide to move on? WTF.

On a more cheerful note... things are looking up on the work front.



I met Elvin Ng last week at the stylo fashion grand prix. This is a still captured from the video footage. He's a nice, sincere and 'what you see is what you get' kinda guy. Nothing flashy nor trying to charm you. He's better looking in real life, and tall too. I enjoyed talking to him, it was a great experience trying out live hosting for the first time - I think I'm quite spontaneous; or rather more spontaneous than scripted so it was fun to ask him questions that just pop out from my head from dunno-where.


This picture cracks me up the whole day, actually I WAS NOT aiming my fist at him. And he was not acting scared, just that it seems that way, haha! I think I was asking him a question and he was thinking about it...


Sitting down and waiting for the show to start. Somehow I always look good from 'high angle shots'. Also look good with flash, it 'blinds' my facial flaws. Face by Anna Sui, Benetint on lips, Lemon yellow dress from Victoria's Secrets, gold wedges from M&S, bag from the Platinum mall in BKK.

stirred

Caption this.

"Not 5 loaves and 3 fishes... it's 3 pastors and a banana!"

--

"You have to give us a chance"

I was surfing TV channels this weekend when I felt touched watching Jamie's Kitchen Australia - Jamie's setting up a new restaurant in Melbourne which gives employable livelihood to underprivileged people.

A girl shared about how difficult her job-hunting was, that no one wanted to employ her because she doesn't speak well, because she doesn't look ladylike and she has quite a number of tattoos. She just stated how grateful she was to be given a chance to work, here. A staff on Jamie's kitchen, an old man, just started tearing and went into the storeroom, which Jamie also went into to comfort him. He was saying, "I'm just an old dog, you know... I'm the religious sort. And I've never done anything good. The poor girl! All she wants is a chance to work."

At this point of time I started tearing too. I felt strongly, both ways. I'm glad that I'm out of the 'fringe' - that I can fit into the mainstream well enough to be liked and respected and capable. But still I've always felt grateful for the people who have given me a chance - not just The Boss, but my first church leader who handpicked me to lead a cell of delinquents and social misfits, or so they're termed. Perhaps they understand society better than the rest of us, so they have decided to go against it, who knows?

And I've always wanted to do something good. I always want to do the humanitarian trip again and visit people who live on an income which is our monthly spend. Seeing the devastation in Aceh just makes me want to do more. But how do I do so when I am struggling here to keep up with the bills, the spending and the hectic dullness of everyday life? It's really tough for us here, too. In a way.

But somehow I hope all of us struggling with different issues will look and see that there's actually ways we can help others while needing help ourselves.

Some old photos... Haha.


spot jaena


spot frank... n shirley

handed

A sharing from lil meeee...book review!

I just feel compelled to share what God is speaking to me through 2 books written lately (2008). It's no coincidence that these two books fell 'in my hand' and I was urged to buy; or read it!

1. Moving On Moving Up in the marketplace, Apostle Naomi Dowdy 2008.

2.Give me the multitudes! Obeying God's call into the Media World, Apostle Lawrence Khong, 2008

The last weekend's Vision Rally message was something very powerful for me - The phrase "Use that (little thing) which God has put into your hand" - kept at me the whole weekend - I was reminded that I had responded to a call in XA camp to serve Him (2001? P Wilson's time)... God asked me to look at my hands, and He said, He will USE these hands to feed his sheep. To me, this is something significant as I am one of the 'fringe people', creative type, don't really suit the typical image of a church leader... it is harder for us to serve or even feel accepted in a mainstream church society because we always have problems fitting in! Until now, unfortunately! Haha. (Well, without us, your tenet course would not be free and the YA service still at 730. And no atm facilities to pay tithe. I bet those who still use cash are the mainstream crowd!!! Being outspoken sometimes helps.-)

I was reminded even before the weekend that I should do something for God in my job/marketplace.This year, I joined a new industry - moved out from land asset management to tech/media startup co. Was very stressed, still am very stressed, because of the steep learning curve - though I studied design, it was an entirely different scope - from not knowing anything about facing the PC (I don't even know how to use Outlook!) and videography, I was suppose to produce and direct small productions. I have discovered the worst stress is ... not knowing what to do! As I am in a startup, I have to make major decisions on a daily basis - even who to hire or fire. Of course, it beats being micro-managed, but at this age I think I prefer to learn from other older business persons than to have to bear these kind of decisions daily. NOT FUN.

P Dowdy's book is about reclaiming the 'mountains' in our workplace, identify which of the 7 you are in, and claim them! Immediately, the 'mountain of 'media' stood out. I remember my videographer Eileen Chong saying (to random people, but I was around) we/she had to reclaim the media industry for God, (some time back.) Because I am not directly involved in producing media, but rather, facilitating, I never felt the stirring in my heart to claim or state that I am in this industry... but again and again, there was the phrase ' what has God put into your hand (and what are you going to do about it) Also, I never really liked people who were all talk and no action - or who lacked a proactive or initiative to do WHAT WAS RIGHT...not my style!


In the book:

PG 27 "Every marketplace Christian and business person must begin to ask themselves: WHAT HAS GOD PUT INTO MY HAND?"
PG 47 "WHAT HAS GOD PUT IN YOUR HAND, and what have you done to bring increase to these resources?"

....

My mom's friend, one auntie in our block fr FCBC, lent the 2nd book to Mom who kept nagging me to read, somehow Mom knows best. She says long queue for the book so I better finish it soon...

When I opened the 2nd book, again;

PG xi "When God called Moses, He asked him, "WHAT DO U HAVE IN YOUR HAND?"
PG 11 "I remember the Lord saying to me like He did to Moses, "What is the staff or rod that you have in your hands? Use what I have put in your hands all these years."

I was stunned. It's no coincidence that 2 SG apostles wrote similar things in their latest book, and I believe this word is not only for me but for many people as well (that is why I am forsaking my sleep to type this, aye)

I feel sad that my generation has forgotten how to fast and pray. To really pray. When have we really prayed for something until it came to pass? And to take ownership of our cell or workplace or industry or family clan or...?

Sometimes we do not think we have enough in our hands... It's true, everyone is affected and have lost money or opportunity in some ways. There is the atmosphere of fear, paralysing fear.

But what's important is that in the midst of all these , we reclaim our 7 mountains, be it the mountains of family, church (people), education (school), media, arts/entertainment/sports, business, government. Give me this mountain!

I just wanted to share how the books I read recently touched me, along with the service. Prayer is like 100-plus... when you have not drank it for long, you forget about it... but when you are reminded about it, suddenly you long for that refreshing, thirst-quenching feel!

Then you wonder how could you have forgotten about it in the first place.




Always good to read books.
Especially those written by Apostles (who know better and can hear better!)

prayed

Getting my reading fix this week by indulging my transportation hours with Victor Hugo's Les Miserables.

Somehow, the classics I choose always seem to resonate with the kind of situation I am facing in my everyday life. The last, Jane Austen's Persuasion, the heroine met her true love at 19... sigh.

These books are found at MPH Raffles City for only $5.89... quite a steal.
All the characters in Les Miserables very poor thing one... makes me feel sort of gladdened that we live in this day and age where no one is destined to be so miserable. Still, we have our little troubles and fears.

Read this interesting piece which I shall reiterate here:

They pray.
To whom?
To God.
Pray to God, what is meant by that?
Is there an infinite outside of us? Is this infinite, one, inherent, permanent; necessarily substantial, because it is infinite, and because, if matter were wanting to it, it would in that respect be limited; necessarily intelligent, because it is infinite, and because, if it lacked intelligence, it would be to that extent, finite?

Does this infinite awaken in us the idea of essence, while we are able to attribute to ourselves the idea of existence only? In other words, is it not the absolute of which we are the relative?

At the same time, while there is an infinite outside of us, is there not an infinite within us? These two infinites (fearful plural!) do they not rest superposed on one another? Does not the second infinite underlie the first, so to speak? Is it not the mirror, the reflection, the echo of the first, an abyss concentric with another abyss? Is this second infinite, intelligent also? Does it think? Does it love? Does it will? If the two infinites be intelligent, each one of them has a will principle, and there is a 'me' in the infinite above, as there is a 'me' in the infinite below. The 'me' below is the soul, the 'me' above is God.

To place, by process of thought, the infinite below in contact with the infinite above, is called 'prayer'.

It goes on.
I shall finish 'book one' by this week and buy 'book two' next week!

imprisoned (the days)

Reminds me of a guy I used to like... From Z Sec Sch, one year older than me and always sits behind me in the morning bus from Bishan (53) Haha! Maybe he is!

Please leave me your pager number *jute jute*


Caught 'The Days' public premiere this evening. I must say that for a local film, directorial debut, I was VERY impressed! All the 'retro' stuff (movie is set in the 89-90s), they've got it down pat. Though it's not really my era yet, I was 'street smart' from a very young age and thus remember all those familiar memories that probably those in their late 20s till mid 30s remember! Like the tea dances, 'jute jute', scribbling your gang name on back seats of buses and beating people up, hey, those were the good old days!

Look out for scenes of those old childhood playground - the 'dragon' one not the 'bird' series...I wonder where they filmed it...old lifts that only went to the 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th floors, those days the lifts had whitish flower wallpaper which yellowed and the buttons always had chewing gum...REMEMBER? Remember the old MCDs and the MCDs cups which had small 'M's printed on them in varying shades of yellow and brown... and the pagers, the old 'telecom' sign printed on telephone booths which we would use to call the people who paged us... those awful clothes, bright yellow shirt with opened buttons, tucked into versace jeans and doc martens to kick people harder (steel toe boots protects feet)...and sneaking into the PE room to get your weapons of choice, those were the good old days! Now gangs are... not as 'brotherly' as before, this show is a really good quasi-documentary about what really happened in the past. I enjoyed every bit of it, perhaps because I can identify with some parts.


The two actors are also quite promising, though I would say the filming could be better if done in a sentimental korean style rather than the singaporean quasi-documentary style.

I hope this show gets more publicity and not be branded as an ah-beng show - but more of something that documents the lifestyle of the students who play truant and escape into gangs.

I wonder what became of my friends who joined these gangs? Now, these street gangs no longer exist in such intensities... I guess society as a whole is becoming more individualistic - the rise of personal sports (think golf, gaming) compared to the decline of group sports also shows that. - heck, except for church groups I hardly hang out in a group anymore. So... in a way, shows the societal changes as well. And what happened to the ah-lian way of highlighting hair in very obvious tigerish strips? Did it really die out or does it still happen in some obscure salons in sarawak? I love the glitter eyeshadow the ah-lian in the show wears...must go get some.


Like a really bad fashion memory...

Go watch!

www.thedaysmovie.com

cultured

L's wedding last year, this month. Time flies huh?

Love Is.

The conversations I have had recently about love, serves to deviate my mind away from the other irksome, worrisome matters at hand. (Although, I'm still aching for a talk with MrCheerful.)

Even our ministers are worried that people my age are not getting married and re-populating our small island nation. They should be, because population growth = housing growth = economy growth = more $ for everyone. But 'pushing' it is not the key. If we get married 'prematurely', more social ills will arise such as broken families, divorce, crime rates up, more gays, you can imagine. So boosting the economy of now would have severe destructive effects here years later. Apostle and I were debating about abortion. His stand is that every individual has a right to live. I read somewhere that most babies born to teenage, black mothers out of wedlock, do not do well - in fact, the rise in teenage pregnancies in this demographic leads to higher crime rates in those part of America, plus the babies that grow up are often incarcerated averagely about 3 times in their lifetime. (Read it in some social trend book.) So, to me, it seems like their destinties have been set from an early age.

If you were the parent, would you want to give birth in such a manner, knowing the statistics?

Then again, as Apostle mentioned, giving birth to them did not cause the social ills. Rather, there are many factors to look into, such as the broken family cycle, being impoverished and the social environment they were brought up in, etc. So I guess, everyone does have a right to life, although at times it is often unfair.

I have a lady friend, same age as me who is married. Because her Malaysian husband had some health concerns, she now has to scrimp and save. I wonder why her life has to be so hard, from the beginning. It seems like their marriage has to go through one trial after another. At the end of all this, I suppose her character will be stronger than the rest, but I'd rather not be in that position all the same. She wants to have babies too - she's the nurturing type, that's why she is married at a young age, but having them now would only cause her to have more tension and stress. I asked her how she managed to scrimp and save, she said she buys those $2 makeup products from Daiso. Recently, I bought the slightly lower-end foundation from Sasa... which is about 1/3 the price of my usual brands. Was so scared to buy it, as I am rather sensitive to some ingredients... you can imagine my apprehension... I tested them again and again on my hands and walked around the shop wondering if I'd buy and, too scared to use, it becomes a waste of money, so I should just buy the brands I'm used to, etc etc... ... I asked her if the $2 blusher was good, she just shrugged and replied that it was cheap, it will have to do. I rather admire her being able to do that for her husband, to me, that is a wordless act of love. By sacrificing your 'face', or even your beloved brands or some things you are used to having, like familiar comforts, to forsake them for an entirely new environment.

Love is a choice.

When you love someone, someone not meant to, someone of same gender perhaps; or a married party, or someone you know you shouldn't, you have a choice. You can choose to engage with the person, or to quell your feelings. It hurts the way unrequited love hurts - it becomes a small crack in your heart.

The people of my culture in ancient days believed in matchmaking. A photo seals your destiny. For me, it's a song...

The Li Ethnic Group: The Li people who live on Hainan Island are monogamous. When a daughter reaches 16, her parents will build near their house a small cottage called "Nong Gui" where their daughter can live and court her lover. In the evening, boys will come to the cottage of the lover of their hearts. Outside the cottage, the boy plays the mouth string organ and the nose flute and sings love songs. If the girl is interested and decides to accept him, she will reply to his songs and then let the boy come in. If the boy sings three songs and still gets no reply from the girl, that means he is not in her type and he has to leave. This special courting way is called by the Li people "village tour".

Haha...one day I'm going back to visit my ancestors. I heard there's 1.11 million of them there. Ancestors are wise, always good to let the girl choose the guy instead of the other way round. *claps*

(...Maybe that's why I like people to sing to me. Innate response!)


In Western cultures, the one which we are most familiar with, we choose our partner for love. Most of us don't understand how someone can marry someone they do not love, just based on a photo, or on a song. But often these marriages are not long-lasting compared to the more traditonal ones. Those who have the faith, perhaps we should seek God as our matchmaker.

I did. Because in 5 or 10 years' down the road, when tough times and storms come, I don't want a pretty face beside me or just someone who says he loves me, I need someone who has a character to love me, wordlessly.

Love songs also welcomed, though.

ways to kill The Boss

Overhead Clone's husband saying, "Rest In Pieces." Hilarious!

Sorry, Boss. You must die.
(I'm really not serious...really!)

1. Poison his coffee.

2. Give him mooncakes laced with cyanide.

3. Dust his Sony VAIO laptop's most used buttons like 'enter', with anthrax.

4. Poison his second cup of coffee.

5. Get someone to randomly shoot bullets through the nearest window.

6. Have his Blackberry shoot out laser death rays.

7. Invite him to participate in a suicide pact.

8. Glue his nostrils together so that he can't breathe and suffocates to death.

9. Lock him in the office, take all his clothes, and blast the aircon so he freezes to death.

10. Wax all his hairs off till he collapses in agony.

settled

It's been said that each time you want to say something really important, you will be at a loss for words, or how to express yourself in a way that does not seem imbecilic or just mundane.

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks ever. Work is indescribable. I doubt anyone can really understand, then again I also don't want to talk about it. One of the ways I expel stress is to have a good cry and then I can sleep peacefully, and not have a furrowed brow and sad eyes. It's strange because I never cried when I broke up with my ex-es or even when my cat, maomao had to be put to sleep. I guess the tears flow, then, when I am frustrated and not when I am truly sad. Weird robot me.

I'm just scared that I cannot handle the stress. In perspective, what I'm facing should dissipate in about 2 months or so, and it's nothing much really compared to those families who have to scrimp and save to pay their electricity bills, or whose partner has been sent to prison... I'm not under THAT KIND of tremendous stress. I realize that at every age, people are stressed in certain ways - so if you say a 14 year old can't be stressed enough to maim themselves, hey, even primary school kids are stressed, although in different levels. I would say that I've led a charmed life of sorts, God has answered my every prayer, I've been blessed beyond belief - but I was depressive last year, and I am afraid, what if the crying never stops? Already, am starting to feel teary for 'no reason', or for reasons I cannot talk about, the whole situation being so complicated. Being scared AND not knowing WHAT TO DO is probably the worse feeling in the world.

Still, I remain hopeful that the situation will pass, although not so hopeful about my emotional prognosis.

To those in 'the know', I met TBO today (friday evening). You know they say all the stressors come at once, it's true, that.

Told TBO about the TBO story, not sure if he 'gets' it but... with the mood I am in right now, I don't really care either way. I'm just glad to finally, get it off my chest, I guess. We'll just have to take it one step at a time. He asked me, who am I close to in church, nowadays, and I said, no one, I'm only close to you, and he actually blushed! It's a rare thing for me to see guys blush at the things I say to them. I'm glad to have met him, and I realize that although he is quiet and unexpressive, I like the familiar feeling that we have, like buying toothbrushes together, and sharing food which we always do - he always gives me the bigger piece. He's sweet in his own small ways - we were sharing a pizza slice and he offered me the bigger one, but I refused to take it, then, seeing my slice had no pineapple (hawaiian one), he took one of his pineapple pieces and put it on mine... I don't care about such things being the unfeeling cad I am, I mean, after it goes in who cares whether there was a pineapple on it, or not; but these small things is what matters in the long run, more than looks, more than being 'manly', more than having a geeky dress sense. Perhaps it's because of my horrid week that just that little bit of kindness and care, touches me, that little sensitivity is more than I can bear.

Thing is, will I still remember it tomorrow? Or next week? Or next month?
I'm frivolous that way. One thing about my work is that I have to make important decisions constantly, oh the stress.

Because I've always felt that some important decisions are best left to The One who knows best.

loved/songs

Been stressed lately, I guess my stresses is nothing compared to those whose homes are in foreclosure or still rebuilding their ravaged lives from the hurricanes and typhoons. But still, I'm trying to remain cheerful and face up to things bravely. Things I wish people could understand, both in work and beyond. Things I wish I could talk about but like a guy/robot, I just clam up and don't seem to be able to talk to anyone about it. How can I look so brave and confident when inside, I'm crumbling; I feel like just sitting down and having a good cry.

I know handling such stressors at my age makes me a stronger person and etc; and compared to those who went through persecution for their faith, or had their parents break up or bankrupt ...that is much, much more stressful. I think at every age, there are different stressors and concerns. Sigh! Need to talk, but can't find the words to say anything. And most probably the troubles will blow over, sooner than expected, but right now I just need a shoulder to cry on.

If not, I can listen to my cassette tape of love songs on a rainy night to keep me safe tonight.

loved/robot

Any robot wanna sit beside meee?

Watched Wall.E with a domineering guy who pre-booked me wayy in advance. That's right, my kid brother who inherited some bossy genes even deciding where to watch and wanting to pay (Of course I didn't let him!)

I would say the show's not as good as Ratatouille but the sub-plots are pretty good - about conserving the environment and, robotic love... I felt that a touching part was when they were 'dancing' together... and when he could still remember her after having his destroyed chip replaced. Made me sort of lovesick, I'm scared that I won't settle down, I want to, though.

Just find someone I can see myself coming home to everyday, with the kindly look in his eyes lets you know "I'm cominggggg home, to the place where I belongggg..." Knowing that you will be snugfully sayanged everyday and sung to sleep is something definitely worth looking forward to, ain't it?

Plus, robots live forever. And so will their love.

loved/hated/balance

There's this advertisement by New Balance that just has the words 'love/hate'; This is the New Balance and it keeps reminding me of the virtual dialogue I'm having this week with MrCheerful.

He's of the camp that one can turn from love to hate for a person and hate the person with equal intensity the way he used to love the person.

For me, I believe that you can hate someone but not with the same passion and intensity, because only love, only the emotion of love can evoke such strong feelings in an individual.

I'd never be able to hate someone like that... but this got me thinking deeply, guess MrCheerful will never realize the can of worms he has opened. I think in hindsight, I was pretty mean and said and did many mean things in my relationships. It hurts to think that they do hate me, or not able to be amicable with me in the very least... if there are people in my life that I need to ask for forgiveness, a couple of guys come to mind. Thing is, I thought that at that point in time, applying the chinese thinking 'short pain is better than a long suffering'; was a better decision then, however in hindsight I now know how it hurts to cut them off completely, to stop communicating so abruptly. I'm not someone who just shrugs it off and has a 'life goes on' mentality, I do take relationships seriously too. I don't get attached easily, I don't have feelings for people easily, sometimes being robotic is preferable. But it's been quite many years now and I do hope that they find happiness with another woman, something I was unable to provide, because I was deeply unhappy in my relationships.

Getting attached is easily, finding a happiness that lasts forever, is all too difficult. Over the course of the last month, I realise that I care, maybe a tad too much, for this MrCheerful. Aiya. You can't really help someone sincerely if you totally don't care for them, or love them a little, if I can say that... ... not that I'm Miss Helpful...I prefer to be cool, collected and unconcerned, but seeing him at the start of the downward spiral I was in last year, I could not just smile and be nonchalant, because I know what helps and what doesn't, because only bestfriend Zero could help me; and it seems so opportune that he started the sad poet mode days after we got acquainted. Sometimes, I do wish I were a bit more robotic and stop imagining the possibilities. Perhaps we had to connect in this manner, maybe something good will come out of all these sadness. I don't know if that will be a consolation to his weariness but I actually do appreciate a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid to tell the world he is missing someone. *claps* This society is so convoluted nowadays that only in lovelorn korean dramas you get guys that are like, constantly thinking of the girl, even in work, can just 'wander' to her house area and 'bump' into her and she is thinking of you too, haha... I bet Singaporean guys are too boggled up in their work to even eat or exercise properly, don't say fall in love until like that, lor.

I guess as much as we are busy with things, we still like the feeling of having someone to talk with, play with and someone who will listen to you.

It eats me that I care, maybe I care, too much for this chap. I cannot take out the caring feeling; and put it into a box and mail it to him, so what am I going to do with it?

I need to talk to someone.