Sunday, February 22, 2009

retro photos


Dad just got a friend to scan all our old negatives into digital photos. The advances of technology!

Seeing those old photos sure brings back memories... and also I realize why my upbringing has subconsciously imposed itself on my adulthood. Like...does the fact that my parents bought me a toy scooter to scoot around on explain my penchant for (pillion-ing on) bikes? Does the fact that my old house was wallpapered in a retro brown pattern explain my liking for those patterns somehow... and maybe having a big beanbag to lounge on (handsewn by Mom) explains my desire to have a beanbag in my own house when I grow up and marry someone, someday...

More photos to come...
Posted by Picasa

Saturday, February 21, 2009

scripted

Sometimes it's hard to come up with witty, interesting scripts that makes a good story. I have to write a few now for my filmings in March. Although most of my filmings are basically unscripted, reality-styled shows, I still have to write a rough outline for it. And I'm dry.

So I imagined what it would be like to take the REAL scenarios of the people around me, this week, and turn it into an episode plot:

1. "The clash of the biker dudes"
Lilo, who has just branched out into consumer banking, has just realized that despite the hassles of work, she has another thing to worry about: two guys liking her at the same time. The difference is, one is the stable, solid, engineer type whom she can envision a future with. The other is a charming but wild-child, 'little bad guy' type... but she can't resist going out with him and talking to him. They both confess their likings to her...so now how? Is it a case of 'Mr Right'...at the wrong time?

2. "The kasut manek story"
A Singaporean girl who once, fell in love with all things melaka on a backpacking trip when she was 18 and lived in a peranakan house along bukit china, is now beading her own kasut manek - peranakan beaded slipper. The strange thing is that with each beaded line, she has her own encounters with the peranakan culture. This week, she met a guy whose family owns the chain of peranakan restaurants in Singapore, and next week, he is taking her out to lunch. (True! But not romantic la, it's for work...of course. Hee...) By the completion of the slippers, what will happen when she puts it on?

3. "The photo in his wallet"
Kie is someone all girls like, because he is a sincere person with a ready smile for everyone. But year after year, he has experienced small heartbreaks and misguided likings. So year after year, he is still single, although the ravages of time does not show on his face, nor body. *whistles*
But... there is something that not many people knows, is that he still keeps a photo of himself and a girl (with a guy friend in the photo too), taken almost 4 years ago, in his olden gritty wallet. When the girl happened to spot it there, she was mystified and asked about it - he mentioned that because it was olden, the photograph had already 'stuck' to the plastic and melted together so he couldn't remove or replace it... ... But in 2009, with a new wallet, there is still the SAME photo... ...Is it the 'curse of the photo in his wallet' that makes him (and her, unfortunately) remain single?

So, which plot is good?
Hee... true stories sometimes are... better than fiction.
Actually, am really wondering about the photo. Maybe he is just a sentimental guy, no?

The perankan man is trying to close a 1.2mil deal with my company. Let's see how the lunch goes.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Bugging you

2 days ago...

'Happy friendship day,' texted Mr A.

'Friendship day is for kids,' I smarmily replied.

'I'm young at heart.' came the reply. 

'Oh... me too...!'

Happy friendship day!

==

Was singing "Loving you" after dinner on Saturday... until clone's husband joined in with the 'bugging you' spoof.

Bugging you...it's easy cuz you're buggable... 

Bringing you, the cute bug guitarist...I can't stop replaying this... too cute. Watch watch watch!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

cooking together


Me and the gang had a conversation at Everest Kitchen last week.

Me: "I think it's quite sweet if the wife cook for the husband next time." (All the girls around me nodded in agreement.)

Kie: "What if the food is not nice?"

Mr.Josh: "I will still eat it up." (Immediately score many points with the girls!)

Mr.AG: "Or, I will suggest that we can cook together the next round." (So sweet!! Awww...)

Kie: "There are other things we can do together besides cooking."

Ms. S:"Like...?"

Kie answered innocently (?) that one of the things he and the wife can do together next time is sleep together, much to the consernation of the group, bringing us to a state of uproarious and uncontrollable laughter. 

-_-

My trip to the Serangoon Gardens wet market on that morning provoked this conversation. (Kie's parents was there too, not that I was shopping with them.) Mom asked me to buy delicieux yong tau foo and fishballs with the meat in the middle, yum. So I did, and I thought to myself that in future, I will relish the chance of going to wet markets with my MIL and learning how to cook dishes from her. I think it's nice if I can learn from the MIL the favorite dishes of her son (my husband) and replicate them for him! 

I've grown up watching my parents  cook together on weekends - my dad does the wet market shopping and cooks, and Mom chops and slices... and prepares the dips and condiments. Thinking ahead, if I had a chance to learn cooking from my MIL, I'd definitely relish the opportunity. I've always thought that I am quite creative and artistic so I'm sure I can excel in this area, too! Being a Hainanese my tastebuds are quite defined as well...although I have no qualms about eating fast food way too often.

Last week, after praying to God in this area, I realised that it's important, for me, to have me, and him, share 'the same narratives'. I do enjoy doing things together, for me, the joy is in having shared experiences. He doesn't have to come from the same culture, but there needs to be shared ideals in wanting to experience some parts of life, together. Having shared narratives, I believe, bonds the relationship and gives memories of a lifetime.

My ex-colleague, Huntley shared that he wanted to bake a cake for his wife this Valentines'. Self-confessing that he is the ultimate 'cannot cook, never cook' kind of guy, he wanted to bowl her over with this idea. Having baked before, I warned him about the rigors of baking, and although this was a sweet idea, it probably wouldn't succeed on the first try for a non-cooking kind of guy. He has no idea... ... ... I think when we are reminded about what we need to do to cherish love, many guys will go out of the way to show it. 

Sometimes, love doesn't mean that we have to talk to the person everyday, or expect this and that from the person. Sometimes, knowing the person enough, and showing in little ways, how much you care, should be all it takes to cherish love. There's someone I can't get out of my mind, and although I am not so hopeful...I care about him more than I'd like to admit. For girls, we have a 'need to know' about certain things before we even dare to care for someone. Like, firstly... does he have anyone in mind, what does he think about me. We are fearful that 'he's just not that into you', sorry, but no thanks, kinda statements. So we worry, we find out from friends, we try to observe more. But for this fella, I already know more than I should. So how now, brown cow? I guess in the end, all that matters is a happy ending. Will the prince, MY HERO, and me, ride off into the sunset? And live, full of love, happily ever after.



 

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Soulfood


After one night of blissful sleep in Melaka, puffy eyes from being an insomniac for 2 weeks - gone, complexion looks pinky and refreshed (no photoshop, only benefit! ) For those who've seen me with puffy eyes.. thus a miracle indeed!

It was a great time to go to Melaka this past weekend. I do feel refreshed.

This two months, I'm aiming not to go out so often.
Here's what's in store:
1. Make a Peranakan beaded slipper. 
After seeing the expensive overpriced ones there, we found a shop selling the templates. Mine will be a salmon pink hue background with a black flower pattern. I chose one of the simplest designs. Hope it's one project I can start and complete, I'm notorious for starting and not completing, my personality type enjoys the feeling of doing something new and interesting...

2. Get back to reading.
I've not read Christian books for some time, having perused most of the leadership and general help titles available. So... after reading 'Quest for Love' by Elisabeth Elliot, over the weekend - Clone's husband lent it to me, I am hooked. Went to this bookstore at Far East Plaza after having a haircut there...

I picked two books, "Let me be a woman" - Fang sister lent to me but it was some time back, and 'These strange ashes" about her first year as a missionary's wife. Many years ago when I was still young, I read and was inspired by Jim Elliot's missionary story, of how he 'got eaten up' by the savages... one of the most inspiring missionary stories I've read. He said this famous quote:
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. 

So I was personally very intrigued to read what his wife, Elisabeth, had wrote.

At the payment counter I spotted a sign stating that Membership is $10... Get 10% off immediately... and above it, 'Birthday month, 30% off'. Wah! What a good deal.

I bounced off to get more books, those books that were highly recommended to me but I never got around to buying it.

So I picked up Stasi Eldredge's 'Captivating', another woman's book. Couple of years back, Jelly mentioned that John Eldredge's 'Wild at Heart' really helped him, and although he didn't read much, this is one book he couldn't stop reading. So he did recommend me to read the female version though I didn't have the heart then. 

I also picked up another John Ortberg (My favorite author, all-time fave!) book, "God is Closer than you think."

And one bookmark and they gave a free devotional.

So...guess how much I paid for 
4 books?

$60!

Wahaha... am so happy!

And when I headed to Sephora, the lady assistant also helped me to save money. I usually have very low sales resistance, usually will buy what they recommend, like a guy... Walk up to them and say, I need this, I need that. Show it to me. I was looking for a blusher as well, but I was dissatisfied with those on sale - they had a good range, but it's hard to find what I was looking for. In the end she told me, 'buy what you need' after I told her I still had 'posietint' - it never finishes... which convinced me not to spend any more. In this worsening economic climate, people are really finding true joy in shopping because instead of wastage, we will think carefully, only buy 1 pair of shoes instead of 2, and feel so much happier wearing them, because we have spent carefully... I'm so glad for her advice. I think this is the first time I've met a cosmetic sales assistant to tell you to buy less instead of pushing some products you don't really need.

Next stop, perhaps I should try the $2 haircut in Melaka next time...


Monday, February 02, 2009

Sunday, February 01, 2009

some fashion resolutions

Coming from a casual wearing environment I wear nice jeans weekly and tee shirts too. But I am looking forward to dress corporately. It's somehow more chic. I mean, if you can avoid G2000 and find a right fit for trousers (southaven fits my buns well) and find feminine tops and nice shoes. Whee!

Here I make some fashion resolutions for the year. After always telling myself internally but never getting around to announce them.

1. Always double cleanse my face when I wear makeup out. Shocking but I have always neglected to do so... ahhh, can hear my facialist screaming.

2. Don't buy or even step into the nice and cheap jewellery shops like...Diva. I'm always attracted to the chic rings that tarnish within a few weeks. Will save more and go for those better ones like...Thomas Sabo.

3. Don't buy new clothes until I have finished wearing all those I have not worn before. Haha! Well, 2 dresses and 2 tops left to go. Not counting the corporate wear...

4. Wear my Marc Jacobs dresses more often.

5. Stop buying flat shoes. They are too flat, feet ache and back ache. And learn to walk in heels.

6. For that matter, stop buying cheap shoes. They are never comfortable...

7. Get a nice bag I really x 100 like. The Mullberry satchel in sand color, the Lady Dior in gray or red or purple, Marc ... and also carry the bags I spent small bombs on, at least carry it more often...

8. Grow out hair - this is very difficult for me because I have such thick hair I feel like cutting them off all the time - and do a soft perm...always my desire since early 20s and I AM APPROACHING LATE 20s! GAH! 3 more months to a longer hair anyway.

9. Take care of my skin by drinking more water, probably need to start on some collagen or oil pills... use the pore minimizing stuff and serum... this actually works! I look younger! Yea.

10. Stop buying cheapo nail polish and actually try to use up the Opi ones before buying more. And in line with this, always have immaculate nails. I'm quite consistent with that!

Here, my blog shop buys. Yes all that and more. (I bought them when I was still having a salary...) In my opinion, the material is quite good nowadays, or at least as good as those in standard shops. However, the lengths of dresses are often too short for me and most of them only come in one size. But I do like them for their unique designs and cheaper prices.



Got the pale turquoise dress.




My current accessory, Thomas Sabo charm bracelet. No girl's ever too old for a charm bracelet!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Melaka...

Melaka...


Is where, on top Bukit China, just a short walk away from the Peranakan shophouse where I stay in Chinatown, you can see the best sunset, overlooking the city. The hill has olden chinese graves built into it, but doesn't have the creepy feel. Some guys asked me in chinese as I was traisping upwards, "ni bu pa ma?" - aren't you afraid? To which I just snorted at them - not being impolite, but too breathless. Ahhh...



Is where I met my first Swedish cyclist who cycled (!!!) from BKK to SG.
We spent Valentine's of '07 together. I was there to meet Ches, but he had a last-min call to his ship.
So I was there alone, but not really alone. And yes, we were both single at the time.
And nothing else happened BY THE WAY! Although he did come to my guesthouse the next morning to wave goodbye, this was the morning after. And, this was all he carried along with him.


Is where I met my first New Caledonian, in fact, I've always wanted to visit New Caledonia. It will be such an adventure!
He runs a B&B and this is the directions to his place.


Is where I get my 'secret recipe' craving of black pepper lamb pie and cheesecakes galore. At half-price, this is a good way to have lunch!


Is where the peacefulness of the surroundings allow me to meditate and have conversations with God. When I am alone, and have nothing to do, I usually find myself talking to Him, which I did, in ChristChurch, for about 2 hours one afternoon.


Is where Ches lives. My escape to, when I am depressed from the noisy traffic sound and daily life woes.


Is where this baby lives, too. Hello Ethan. I bet you are unaware I am plagiarizing this photo, hoho...

Melaka...
...Is where I'm heading to! Yay!

posted

I don't want just a memory, give me forever... - Renee Olstead.


Dad in best 'Dato' shirt. And me in cheena CNY baju. At Sentosa.
(It was given by a Dato, not that he is one...)

We like to be flashy and bright, once a year.

Working in Chinatown, walking through the famous Pagoda Street, everyday, I see lots of such garb - satiny blouses and dresses with butterflies, peony, prints... Finally I couldn't resist and bought one! I just wonder when I am gonna wear it again.

I don't know why but I'm quite fussy about clothes although I have heard many people say, "Lucky you! You can wear just about anything." No la, I am too tall for local/HK brands so I can only wear Euro/American, which then again the length is alright, but sometimes too big at the sides... see, very difficult.

So I have deliberated for a long, long time about buying those cheena bajus. Although I didn't regret buying this one... and it wasn't expensive, but still... ... I don't think I'd wear it after CNY...Maybe I will give it to Mom if she can fit.

At least I didn't buy the Peranakan attire. I had the argument "buy it!", "no, don't buy it" in my mind for a few days, each day passing by the lovely embroidered bajus. I like these kind of stuff. And can wear to weddings too, although I'm not Peranakan, and I'm not a big fan of attending weddings, either. Oh well...

I've a new member in my TAG team... *elated!
He's a nice guy. Through this horrendous period I share to him online, well, on alternate days. I've never communicated like that on online platforms before, so this is kind of new for me. And I find it rather enjoyable. Somehow, being online, I can share more easily, more freely, without putting too much thought into what you want to say, just say it...besides I write so much more better than talking. I wonder what will happen when we meet and then I just stare at him, or into my coffee... I'm always glad when I meet people like this, because it reminds me of how nice life can be when you have someone to share to.

Although I am quite open, I don't really like to bother others with my problems and emotions, that's why I keep to a select few. However, in the past weeks I realize that God has answered my small prayer, hee hee, I just hope this lasts. When I make friends, I expect it to last for a long, long time. So, of course, after the last fiasco with Zero, and the silence from TBO, I hope this one will... go the distance. Are you like me, too? Making friends for years, or is it just a passing thing for you? I'm so happy he wants to join my TAG team, but with it also comes some small apprehensions because after all, we are just online chat buddies, right?

Or wrong?

=)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Helped


Red - Jesus' blood as redemption for our sins.
Gold - That which is Holy to God; 'righteousness'

Heard that there are some symbolism during this time of Chinese celebration that have a deeper, significant spiritual meaning.

For eg, the by now well-known 'kam cheng' or Peranakan heirloom pot passed down to generations, the meaning of the name is 'relationships'. Our tradition of passing each other oranges : "kam" and angpow with the "jin"/gold inside, has the same meaning of 'relationships'.

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked...
but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his Law he meditates day and night...
He is like a tree planted by streams of water...whatever he does prospers.


One point I caught from today's message is that... Some of us are blessed, some of us are a blessing to others... some of us are meant to bless other people's lives.

I'm so tired. These 3 weeks have been horrendous to me. After the weepy korean drama of last few months, I thought that I have put it all aside and things will be all cheery and easygoing, again. But noooo.

On friday last week, I felt so... scared I was actually trembling, shaking outside. I didn't know what to do so I smsed Mr A, and also msn a pal whom I update daily... I was moved to tears when he immediately prayed " That I can be calm enough not to hear the other voice but the still, small voice of God."

Facing what I have to face now, it's easy to ask God, "why me?" Why must these things happen to me? Or be in the mopey, "WISP" : wallowing in self-pity mode... Like I am so young and have such a bright future and why am I embroiled in a situation which is not my fault, etc etc... Or just have silent thoughts running through your mind that makes you...feel as if you are going crazy with the weight of the world... ...

I'm scared, too. How this would affect my cheerful outlook on life.
The ordeal two years ago was something I hope I'd never had to face again. I've forgotten most of the unpleasant things now... and have changed for the better, I hope. I'm scared what if my mental faculties can't take it, and I become... depressive again, or some other worse thing...

Does something really bad have to happen to us to remind us to pray? To never stop praying? I have been doing so, not out of habit, but as a necessity to keep myself from trembling in fear and anxiety... To keep my mind close to God as opposed to the horror I feel about my situation that does not seem likely to be resolved amicably.

Still, I'm overwhelmingly blessed by the strong presence of friends, much stronger and more mature than I.

Those who don't want to see me hurt again. And tell me so. *speechlessly touched.
Those who pray for me while they are bathing. (will do likewise...)
Those who don't know me well, who offer me a sincere concern and tell me not to cry.
Those who ask me if I need to talk...just call them.
Those who tell me to sleep early, because they know I have had insomnia and headaches the last two weeks.
Those who buy me strawberry chocolate because I'm upset and they just wanna cheer me up...

I'm blessed beyond words.
I feel bad that so many of you guys have to help me out one way or the other.

I hope that one day, I can do the same for you.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Tattoo Convention photos

Some photos from the Tattoo Convention, quite happy I've managed to catch up with some of the artists' I've interviewed.

Rachel & friend

Rachel & Elson (Think Tattoo)
Don't you just adore his fangs... he's actually quite decent.

Rachel & friend

Rachel & Mudohori (Galaxy Tattoo)
This guy's studio is a stone throw's away from The Office... and the place is swamped with guys...woot.

Tattoo Dance
The apprentice promotes his master's studio...

Rachel Digitally Tattooed
This is what they mean by 'in your face'.


Face not enough, must do on the arm also...

Rachel
'Do you want to buy me a t-shirt like this? My birthday coming soon...'


Hee...when I did the video many people thought I really have one robot wabbit tattoo on my ankle... now...

da video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbrG47odZac&feature=channel_page

Rachel & Joseph (Visual Orgasm)
He's good at portraits. Did a Joker one on someone... verrry nice. The tatt on his neck is a traditional Iban (sarawak head hunters) design.

Fulltime by Eak - Ice Milo!!
One of the most...unusual tattoos I've seen (on the first guy in my photos)... Yes, milo-bing!


http://www.phlook.com/picdisplay.aspx?picuid=371074565
da joker on da top

Tattoo
Had to include a photo of a topless guy... of which I've seen quite a number on that day

Monday, January 19, 2009

First date?

I've 'met' a nice guy.

Meeting nice guys reminds me that, yes, there are nice guys around. When my life resembles a mash-up of weepy korean drama + reality show, I feel sort of surreal still about the things that are happening. Maybe my life has 'too many guys'...or, 'too many BAD guys'!?!

The 'current episode' has too many twist and turns... I was just wondering amusedly to myself, it's the time for something to happen again... Like, imagine:

Girl meets a nice guy. Seems to be... really nice but she doesn't know him well enough to like him or, anything beyond that. But seems like... got some chemistry there...they can care and connect very, very well...

The guy who has caused the small crack in heart will appear and beg her for mercy and sweet talk her again. Although she knows he is not suitable and she will end up sad, she is once again charmed by his tactics.

He sincerely apologizes, buys her flowers, takes her to nice restaurant with riverside ambience and nice desserts, etc.

She needs a break from all these and goes on a short trip.

On the short trip, she realizes who she can't get out of her mind... and keeps thinking of him...

Came back, and there is a guy on her doorstep.

Who?

*episode ends, thank you for watching!*

Lol.

Sometimes the real life is more...drama than the korean drama stories.
And I always remember that the girl in the end will choose the guy who makes her cry, although she should be better off with the one who makes her laugh... Which I hope, when it comes to that, I will make the right decision, in God's timing and God's purposes.

And, (hee hee) Mr A and I are playing "speed dating" online.

Asking each other questions (presumably to know more about each other...albeit only in a online and limited capacity, I must admit) but this is a nice way of starting this friendship...

So here are the questions we've asked. I won't tell you my answer of course, unless you...wanna play too?

Here!

What is the most important quality in a person, of someone you are looking for?

Would you prefer an average looking guy who is nice to you or a good-looking guy who is not so nice to you? (This question... really HITS THE SPOT, man. This question alone can be many episodes of taiwanese drama!)

Do you believe God has a special someone for you out there?

Mr A asked, "Actually, what's your age?" ... ha.

So I asked, "Does age matter?"

And one of the questions he asked gave me food for thought, primarily because I've never thought about it before, or no one has asked me that before:

Do you think that you're a very easy to understand person?


Which begets the question of whether guys are easier to understand...or girls... the neverending debate!

Hmmm...I am going to think about that.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Facebooking...

Spiritedly the writer has died and replaced by Spiritedly the Facebook-er.

Been randomly surfing people's pages and checking out their topless photos... (Guys, I mean.)

Lost the urge to write, which is strange - my mind always thinks of interesting things to write. Helpp.

...and am addicted to Word Challenge on Facebook. It's Dree's fault.

*scoots off to play Word Challenge*

Monday, January 12, 2009

Friday, January 09, 2009

tt

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Tattoo Convention


Happening this weekend.

I'm the host for the Tattoo Studios features, check out the first videos on their FB page:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=115133940081&oid=32140274011
(I get 'inked' - with a robot wabbit)

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=115136940081&oid=32140274011
(Up close and personal with Utopia Studio's Kirby Lian)

And here is a kickass photo done pro-bono, by Andrew Ng:

Think twice before doing, haha...the captured expression is just...



Meeting these tattoo artists have changed my opinion of their personas, and the industry, in a good way!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

My heart calls your name

Ate nice strawberry shortcake at The Canopy today. This year, I can afford to eat more dessert...thinner mah. Hiaks.

To know that you were with one who cared for you, and who understood every fiber of your being, and who would not abandon you in even the most desperate of circumstances, that was the most precious relationship a person could have... -Christopher Paolini, 'Brisingr'.

Wrote this last month. A release of sorts. Sometimes I write better than I feel. I feel...nothing now. I hope. Writing is a form of release for me and lately in the past months I seem to be writing endlessly.


Do you know that somewhere
between dreams
When I am awake
There is a smile on my face
When I am thinking of you

Do you know that sometimes
When I am eating or
Walking back home
You hear a whisper,
It's from my heart

My heart calls your name
When it rains
It remembers when you rescued me
My heart calls your name
When the sunlight fades
Cuz that's when you sang love songs to me
Although
Each and every day
We drift so much further
Apart
I choose to believe,
Love remains.







I've missed you.

Sleepless

After pulling an all-nighter during NYE, my body clock's all shook up. Can only sleep around 2-3 am... But anyways I saw a nice sunrise, got some really therapeutic shopping done - you can't believe I don't enjoy shopping... I don't, because I have incredibly high standards when it comes to retail products. My clothes need to have nice details like graphic prints, interesting buttons or washes and I only buy when they are on SALE.

Still, I do manage to find nice clothes because I often meet my friends at shopping centres...

So imagine how difficult it is for me to buy Kie a nice wallet for the chap's birthday when it needs to be - black, leather (should be?) and having a coin pouch and for me, a photo inserter... See, that's why I like shopping alone too. In 2 hours I can traipse many malls.

Plus now is a good time to buy stuff (I've never realized that) because all the major brands are in some conspiracy to have sales.

I realized many things too.
That brands like Coach, CK wallets, ALL don't have coin pouches. (The rich people don't carry coins?! Only cards? ) Seriously, those expensive (but on SALE!) wallets only have space for 8 cards and cash. I think it keeps with the sleek, expensive look?

Braun Buffel is a favorite with everyone.
Most of the nice collections are sold out. I suspect it's because of the 'bull' logo. I saw people from uncles to flippinos buying them out.
Unfortunately, the ones that met the requirement? Only left one piece.

Montblanc wallet starts at $500.
Wow...is the star logo that branded? Because Coach, CK, etc is about half or 3/4 that amount...

Armani Exchange's wallets are all sold out until 2 weeks later =(. Their guys' stuff are really nice.

Banana Republic claims to have no guys' wallets despite me and Jon seeing them before... a mystery.

Anyways I found the elusive wallet at my favorite place to shop in Orchard, Paragon. Paragon never disappoints, hahaha...

Had quite a nice day out, long time never been to Orchard. Analyzed all the baking stuff at the Isetan supermart too. I am thinking of what to bake this month. Brownies?

My 'twilight' books 2- 4 are SOLD OUT islandwide till next month. This is crazy.

Have bought and finished reading, Nicholas Sparks' "True Believer". Some of his books just makes me cry and remember some lost loves. Others, reminds me of people so much like he described that I just had to tell them to read that story. I shall read most of his books this year. This year is my year to fall in love, again, with life, and to cherish the people around me and show them kindness which I never thought I had, till now.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Chosen


" Every happy ending is the same.
Every sad story is different. "


A dear colleague told me that.

I cannot get this statement out of my mind. Perhaps it encourages me, to persevere on for mine.

Being in sad situations, one thing I am thankful for, are the guys who are around, my friends.

Having guy friends who are slightly older than me, I observe their lives, their career paths and relationship choices and, I have learnt. I've always looked forward to the age where we will proceed with our second stage in life - this year, TBO is turning 30; Kie, 29 - and it seems that it was only yesterday that we were all still young and...more spirited. Was chatting with TBO the other day and I reminded him, hey, I'm not 19 anymore...I'm grown up now.

I've made a new friend recently and I'm glad for his presence in my life. I am actually apprehensive about making new guy friends - have always kept a distance from 'newer guys' like Nono, IcedMountain, and others, not really sharing my thoughts, not really taking an interest in their lives either - not wanting to take the friendship into a deeper level.

So I was touched when Alkitab, sitting next to me, sensed that I was...not myself, and availed himself with a sincere concern. Few people are like that - attuned, and wanting to...minister. Most of us are more self-centred. Everyone loves to listen to sad stories, to analyze and give their two cents' worth, but how many people actually feel for the person who is experiencing it? I'm okay now, it's just an upset-ness that has prevailed for a long time now, precisely because I allow myself to feel for others, and I do realize NOW that actually, NOT seeing Zero is so much better because I.am.not.affected.when.I.do.not.see.him. His problems are not mine, but I have been like that too, in the past.

Haven't I also used Kie as a punching bag and forsaking him, although not in such a dramatic manner, without even a word of apology? So, in the same instance, when someone who is a friend I really care about calls me for help, shouldn't I avail myself although I can predict the outcome - and the long-term outcome, perhaps.

And I feel sad, more for him, because, it's going to be the same outcome for what he is doing, give or take a few years. He will never be happy. Doesn't he realize that for one love relationship to end abruptly, and another to begin almost consecutively, means that the girl, has already thought about it for months before, and has made certain choices for certain actions to lead to this state of affairs? I'm not one to judge or comment but, I will never do such a hurtful thing to someone I love...Not to him, nor to the other guy. And EVEN if I don't love him, I would also not do that, I just cannot imagine that.

I really thank God for Alkitab being around then, maybe only he noticed that he was on the verge of tears. I hope to repay this kindness debt one day. I always joke with Kie and the rest that Alkitab is "my best friend replacement"(because he also shares some characteristics with him, and is ... similar in ways which we can bond - ie he choses whom he wants to share with and whom he just doesn't want to talk to... me too, lah) - but I really do enjoy the company... and the encouragement. And the singing. And the smiling...

My dear colleague also told me some 'truths that set me free' - one, that I was VERY idealistic when it came to (all sorts of) relationships. It hit me, because firstly, that's so very true! I tend to write off people who have no imagination - or people who just seem...boring. Later on I realize their good points. It's getting harder (as I get older?) to really, really really love someone. Maybe I've already given my heart away, or the small crack is getting bigger.

And aren't these the choices in life everyone must face? To choose between carrying on, or moving forward? To settle for a comfortable life over one which is full of passion and excitement but no stability? To choose the father of your kids, to choose the type of environment you want to create a home in - to choose between staying or leaving - all these choices ultimately brings us to one conclusion, that is...

Is it gonna be a happy ending? Or a bittersweet one?

For those who have the power to make such choices, be glad that you can.
Many of the people I've seen - those who have never invested themselves into anything - those who are only living as shadows; they have limited choices - or perhaps, none.

I'm so upset over Zero because he has taken away a bit of myself and I wonder when I can redeem it, or if I can redeem anything, at all.

Monday, December 29, 2008

it's just the way we're wired

Chester likes 'a christmas story' and was incredibly surprised I'd dedicated it to him. I'm glad he likes it... makes me happy inside.

He emailed me back from somewhere in between Dubai and Taiwan, saying-


I guess at the end of the day, we all want our happily ever after - it's just the way we're wired. I hope you get yours.


That's true isn't it. I've realized that me writing, talking and feeling about love related issues lately has made the people around me more attuned, more desirous to have that 'happily ever after' too. Even previously nonchalant Kie has been infected, as his christmas card to me would attest.

I've also realized that I don't know Zero as well as I'd previously thought. It sure is nice to have a best friend around whom with you can share and yabber on without feeling embarassed or at ill ease. But also, the bond seems to disintegrate when both parties are absent from each other. I feel as though I no longer have that valued, treasured connection with him, that a wall of silence separates us. Where art thou.

And I have so many questions that are yet, left unanswered.

And sooooo leetle time, my friend...

Today, at the Office...

The Boss: "Hey Rach, you and me will have to sit down about half an hour together each day to watch through our content."
Me: (nods)

Feeling touched? Don't be. Lately when The Boss says "you and me", it means me.
When The Boss says, I will do it, means Spiritedly will be the one doing it.

you + me = me
he = me
me = overworked and underpaid. They usually come in a pair...



Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you? -Walt Whitman

Friday, December 26, 2008

A christmas story part 3

And he began his story.

For over two hours I was rooted to the spot, spellbound by his life story. Leaving behind, all he had, for love? Stable-looking, solidly built Uncle Frank was so adventourous, so...spirited? It seemed unbelieveable. Would I have the courage to do that...I mused to myself. Then again, being here in oh-so-safe Singapore, I don't think I'd ever have the chance. Some political journalist once said that he was amazed that the streets of Singapore were so safe, yet there wasn't a single policeman in sight to be seen. He wrote, albeit sardonically, that we Singaporeans have the policemen, in our hearts. All of us are, 'internally policed'. And I guess that was true for me as well. Oh, the days of my youth. I cringe now to think at my thoughts 3 years ago, though it ain't exactly THAT long ago.

Who knew, that after Uncle Frank's story, I would take the leap of faith to find, and to write the chapters of my own love story.

Who knew, that in 2009, I would marry Natalia, a lady who had so much love for others, yet only knowing her father's love for most of her life. That Christmas day, three years ago, I finally knew why Mom and Dad always looked at Uncle Frank with sentimental glances when he mentioned his wife. And why he never married anyone else again. I never knew that Mom had lost a sister when Uncle Frank lost his wife. And the pain that they all felt, bonded them together in a strange family unit. It was Dad who rescued Uncle Frank from an almost-suicidal state after losing his wife. Mom never mentioned her name. I found out that her sister, Uncle Frank's wife, was called Catherine. She did not die after Natalia's birth as I had previously thought, but almost one year later, the christmas after. It was auto-immune thyroiditis which became full-blown Graves' disease which developed due to a complication post-partum. Uncle Frank wondered at her rapid weight loss shortly after Natalia was born, then, as she started to lose more, he because worried. This disease is still prevalent now, though with the advances made in medical science with Interferon, it is wholly treatable. Then, though, there was imminent death for the sufferers of the full-blown disease. She survived till Christmas, to see the first snowfall, then... it was too cold. Just too cold.

Uncle Frank's story changed my life the way other people are changed by people. You could say I was changed by love, an enduring love, a love that dared to break the boundaries across nations, a love that has the courage to remain strong, for his only child.

Natalia inherited her Dad's talents of reading and writing, and that three years ago, Uncle Frank brought with him a christmas card she made, and what she wrote to me piqued my curiosity for her type of vocation. One year later, I packed my bags and used my medic expertise to the fullest, helping to rebuild the tsunami-devastated villages in Banda Aceh, where one quarter of the whole population died. We spent one month there, one month of hardship though it was the sweetest month I've ever experienced, being in her tantalising presence each day. I could not leave her side after that. And now? Well, you see...

Although her cooking is not as good as her words, I still eat the burnt brownies, and the overtly solid turkey this year. I smiled at Uncle Frank, seated opposite me. Marriage was on the cards and we plan for a spring wedding, next year.

I forgot, to mention, this tradition that we had every year for years since Uncle Frank came to visit. There was always an empty chair next to Uncle Frank, which we took as a time-honored tradition. Now I knew the meaning of the empty chair. The chair stood for the comfort of the presence God brought to Uncle Frank's life, when Catherine was gone. The chair stood for the hope that each Christmas brings, that we can still find something to be thankful for, despite the pain, despite the ache in the heart and the almost unendureable depression it comes with. The chair represented that somehow, faith means, that God was with you, He still is.

And me? I'm going to love her, forever. 'Love me or die!' I shouted aloud to Natalia as she brought out a yet another tray of brownies that smelt too smoky to be eaten...

(the end!)

This story is dedicated to Chester, an old friend who introduced me to the world of Classics, starting with Wuthering Heights.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A christmas story part 2

I could remember being young, too, Frank thought to himself. Was it really, so long ago?

Uttering a soft sigh to himself, Frank picked up the books from Borders which he wanted to buy for the family. Chester was a voracious reader and read virtually anything, from Leo Tolstoy epics to classics like Wuthering Heights. Frank smiled to himself as he perused the shelf of classics. Coral was also a book lover, but during those young adult years when they knew each other, she read mostly self-help books like the Dale Carnegies' type of literature. It was Chester who introduced her to the world of classics and after Dorian Gray, Persuasion, and Les Miserables, she was hooked.

Frank knew that they fell in love with each other after discussing the merits of the passionate love between Heathcliff and Catherine, and, seeing the sparks that light up their eyes each time they debated about love, and life issues, Frank couldn't help but smile to himself and thought how perfectly matched they were to each other. He found a book for Christopher, some cookbooks for Coral, and the latest bestseller listings for Chester; and as he stood by the wrapping counter, he made a mental note to call Natalia and wish her happy birthday, later. Natalia, Natalia. His sweet and kind daughter who chose a life of servtitude.

Already she was becoming quite well-known for her work in the peace corps during the 2006 East Timor crisis, and later, in the rebuilding works around the independent nation. It was a cruel time, thought Frank to himself. His fellow countrymen, killing each other over some political issue he would not and could not understand. Thousands of people, displaced because of land issues. Because of people who would not listen to sensibility, and take lives just like that - and recruit boys, some younger than Christopher, into the national army, and teach them how to fight.

He was worried that the next generation, people like Natalia and Christopher, would not know peace, a peace that he had, in the Green Apple Village, just the both of them living in their own little bubble.

But he knew that he could not change the way things were going to happen in this world, the same way he could not change himself. He had not expected that the pain of missing her would still strike his heart so deeply, that watching the rainfall over the Christmas lights at Orchard would still make him ache for her presence, for her cold hands - her small hands were always cold - and holding them just made him feel like wanting to light a fire for them and take away the cold that was there.

He rememebered that she had always wanted him to be happy, that she loved him for his cheerfulness, that his ability to make her laugh uproariously was one of the most important reasons she married him. They both had the ability to let go of their worries and look at each other, and laugh; thankful that no matter what happened, they still had each other. And that was enough, wasn't it...

==

Uncle Frank seemed in a pensive mood this evening, so after the Christmas dinner which I wolfed down most of the turkey, I found myself asking after Natalia. Was he worried that she was away, and perhaps, in a dangerous situation? It was customary for us to take a walk around the driveway and end up sitting in the backyard with some wine to celebrate the birth of Christ. Christopher. Mom told me Dad and her had decided to name me Christ's follower, and also because their names started with 'c'. Uncle Frank once told me to be glad Mom did not name me Heathcliff, though I'm not sure why she liked THAT name. I'm sure if I had a kid I'd name him after Frank, one day.

Uncle Frank just shook his head and smiled, benignly and told me Natalia was safe. He did not address my concern for her like the rest of the chaps would, if I enquired after a girl, but just motioned for us to sit down. And he began his story.

(To be continued)

It's only this year after so many years that I begin to be thankful for Kie's perpetual presence. If only... I had treasured it more before, then perhaps I would be more thankful for this season and the seasons past. Also, I still miss Captain Zero, although now, it's no longer that strong. Perhaps I will be the one to forget. If only we can all keep our memories close to our hearts.

Each time I write, I feel better, releasing the little moments that only people associated with the memories can understand. The only guy I had a soul connection with, all those years ago, I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I realise that I would have had a very different life right now if we were together. Maybe somewhere in the Green Apple village or in Jakarta. I love your country and I told God I wanna be somewhere there, although ironically, you seem to be content working and living in Sg. I've been to Aceh and Bali and next stop hopefully Timor-Leste. But anyways, it's not meant to be, we were not meant to be, we were, too young.

In a part, these writings have been the essay of my life, and writing them, and knowing that they are read, and comprehended by people who - also understand, makes me happy.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A christmas story

In tune with the season...

The arrival of Uncle Frank meant that, to me, Christmas, was here.

Uncle Frank was my godfather; and the stories he told to me was something I looked forward to hear, eagerly; when I was younger. The past few years however, he had to settle for talking to my parents, because I was always busy at Christmas.

Busy with girlfriends, busy with work, busy shopping, just too busy… Perhaps I just couldn’t find the time to listen, anymore. But this year, I was going to. Listen to Uncle Frank. Although we could only meet once a year, his life seems to have impacted me more than I could possibly imagine. I’ve heard my parents talk about the events of his life in hushed tones. It seems like Uncle Frank and Mom lived close by back then, when he still resided in Singapore. Although I’ve always wondered about how Dad could stand Mom being close to Uncle Frank, their friendship seemed entrenched on the grains of time. Myself? I’m a guy-kinda guy, favorite pastime hanging out with the gang - not like Dad who seems like a ladies’ man. Until now, he still can charm the socks of any girl. I’ve heard that in the past, Dad was droolingly handsome. Ah well, I can see where I’ve gotten my good looks from!

This year, I could see that Uncle Frank was getting older. His eyebags seemed that much more wrinkly than the last time I could remember, and the jowls on his face seemed more saggier. Horrors. He has a daughter, around my age – and for one period of time, I believed Dad and Uncle Frank fervently tried to engineer something between us. We were always friends, respectful to each other and acquaintances of a sort – but somehow, I could never connect with her and have that kind of soul-communication Mom and Dad had.

Of course, we were both too young at that point of time – I’m still not in the right frame of mind to pursue a long-lasting relationship, and there were hordes of girls to choose from at school, anyways. Later, I heard that she chose to go into social work and serve under a Women’s Association, helping underprivileged female orphans. Of course, that’s exactly what she would do. At that time, I despised Natalia for making that choice. Uncle Frank wasn’t exactly rich and social work doesn’t exactly pay. Being Uncle Frank’s only kin, she was putting him in a difficult position, or so I thought. No one asked you to put yourself through this torture, so why do so?
Later, I realized that Uncle Frank was proud of her choices, and now, after meeting so many materialistic, shallow girls who don’t seem to give a hoot about your heart, I realized that Natalia is really a true gem. Hmm, I wonder how she is now?

This year, Uncle Frank finally told me the story he said he would, when it was my 25th birthday. It was strange how Natalia and I were born so close to each other. And what he told me, I could never forget. It’s one of those stories you could make into a movie, you know.

==

He was finally going home.
Back to the Green Apple Village, 330km northwest from Jakarta. The plane was landing in a few minutes and it seems that he was always so far away, from her.
In the past, he always missed her for Christmas. It seemed as though cruel fate decided that they could never celebrate any festive holiday together, while they were dating. Each Valentines’, he had to be away from her because it coincided with the Lunar New Year holidays; and leaving for home at this time meant that he would have missed her birthday, too. She always said that she didn’t mind, that she understood he had to go and be with his family, but he could see in her eyes that she wished she could be by his side.

In the Green Apple Village you could see snow and that was what he loved most about the place. Their ancestral home, a sprawling mansion in the centre of the city near the Singapore Embassy was something he could just live in, but not really feel at ease, at home. He remembered walking past the Embassy all the time as a young boy, and wondering what’s it like on the other side. Now, he was on the other side, and somehow, not knowing how he got there, he was there.

Who would have thought how it would all turn out, that his parents would have turned him out, because he chose her, he chose love – they both chose love over rationality, over practicality – it was the days of the 70s where free will, peace, and love was the mantra of the days.

And later, having no money of their own, but deliriously happy with each other; she went with him to live in the village – this village. Ironically, he had to go back to Singapore to work, and it seemed that the work practically took over his life. Although it was not difficult to make a living in Singapore, he always missed her so, so much that each day was unbearable. He always counted down the days to Christmas, when their office would shut down on the Eve, and reopen again in January.

Each time he made the journey back, she had dressed up, wearing the earrings he had given her on their first anniversary, cooking his favorite ayam goreng, and sambal vegetable leaves. She would always say the same thing in halting words, when she opened the door to him - words that were not of her mother tongue, words she learnt because she loved him.

“Frank, bagaimana mempunyai anda ialah?
Saya sudah sangat merindukan anda, cintaku.”


I miss you too, I miss you too… Frank whispered in his heart.
He was always too overwhelmed for words to say anything back in return, just hold her close to him and feel her warmth emanating, embracing him and time stood still. He knew he would have to be gone again all too soon, and hated that, hated himself, hated everything for turning out this way. He missed her too, he missed her so much.

Later, Christmas time – the time he looked forward to all year round, was too painful for him to continue staying in the Green Apple Village.

Coming back to the Village made him remember too many things, almost as if he could feel his heart splitting in two.

Losing her meant he could never love another, again.

Again, he had nowhere else in the country to go. Being in boarding schools for most of his life, he could never call Jakarta his home. So he always found himself going back to the place where he spent most of his life in, Singapore. Although the Singapore of today was much changed, he still found solace in his old friends, especially with Chester and Coral. Talking to their son, Christopher, had warmed up his heart, because Chris was so much like him. Young, raring to go, and always full of energy, and a perfect match for Natalia. Although they were still too young to think of something more serious.

I could remember being young, too, Frank thought to himself. Was it really, so long ago?

(to be continued)

Friday, December 19, 2008

I'll be home for Christmas

Am privileged to see snow this year january, in Japan, for the first time in my life I saw snow! All the more privileged because it wasn't supposed to snow then. This is from the tatami guesthouse at Lake Kawaguchi. Mt Fuji's supposed to be in the backdrop but due to the heavy snow flurries, we couldn't see it from the window. Still, a pictureseque sight, no?

I feel happy drawing smiley faces on Christmas cookies... quite flattered when Clone's husband thought the cookies are from Famous Amos. Hee... it's nice to provide food like my usual yearly marshmallows... somehow spending hours cooking chocolately stuff just makes me feel so happy.




Mr BestFriend is overseas.


He says he'll be home for christmas. *soft sigh*


Although how much of that time I can actually spend with him, remains to be seen.


It's strange how my brain, the memory storage outlet, can remember certain things more vividly than others. I remembered last year at the same time on friday, we were supposed to meet, and go to church for the special presentation, but he couldn't make it due to the high-profile work, so we went on saturday instead, the saturday which was exactly one year ago.
And this year, LIKE last year, he also asked me... "Rach, what do you want for christmas?" *happy that he asked* Which I said the same thing as last year too http://spiritedly3.blogspot.com/2007_11_01_archive.html , haha, couldn't resist hearing his response and imagining what his expression would be like!! (We were on the phone.)

Maybe here, I should explain why this friendship means so much to me. During certain points of times in your lives, you make friends that will be around for a lifetime. Maybe on and off you guys cease to meet, but each time you find the time to meet up, you both pick up from where you've left off. And... you know that they are the kind of people you want in your life. Always concerned enough to meet you late at night for supper or pray with you on the phone until you are soothed, etc... You know they'll won't miss your wedding for the world, you'll know you want them to be at the hospital to witness the birth of your child, sans makeup; and they'll always compliment your cooking, always check to see if you're alright, always be there.
Because of all the bad decisions and emotional downturns I've been through just the past year, I was reluctant to again share my life with other guys I did not know, knowing that deep down inside, those kinda guys are only around for a seasonal period, and then after they have departed, you find that you can't really remember them or even recall why were you so close to them in the first place. Right.
But because we have experienced similar yet different stuff at the same time, we found that we could comprehend and begin to make sense of what happened, and moving forward.
I know that some people find it difficult to encourage others, IE, how can I encourage others in relationship-matters when mine has also recently failed? How can I encourage someone in my work when mine seems to be going downhill/nowhere...etc. So truly I am doubly, triply more touched that MrBestFriend put his own needs aside and just talked to me on the phone even at times when I couldn't talk. At first, I was reticent to accept him in my life again. We were close about 5 years ago, but we both knew the reasons why we just had to drift apart. And now, I was fearing the same thing, one day we would drift apart for basically the same reasons. Some might call it the same mistake, but it is in different contexts... ... But because of his sincerity and devotion to our renewed friendship, I was bowled over, and I can truly happily say I'm glad that he self-called himself my best friend, because, he really is.
So when we don't get to meet recently I am cranky and frustrated... it's like missing a star team player. It's nice to know he misses me, too. But it's even more nice to know if in the future things can be like they were last year! The economy seems to drive people apart. I don't want to live in a place where people are all living so close to each other but we never seem able to meet. I hope it's only temporary. I hate the irony... that only when something is taken away from you, then you wonder if you had done your best by him, that you have been worthy, that you regretted complaining about his irritating parts, and now he's not here all those little irritations seem inconsequential and it becomes a distant memory? I'm brutally honest and MrBestFriend knows that he does, irritate me at times, especially when he keeps harping on topics which is just not in my interest. Although now, I'd be willingly to listen to him talk, about anything...

I made a christmas wish. I wished that, I could just spend one day with him. I would be happy if this christmas wish comes true.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

happy cruise

I seem to be taking photos with ships lately... It must be A SIGN.

Heh...European styled lunching on the lower deck. I got a bit tanned.


This one...those who were watching us take the photograph were howling in laughter, because at first I was pointing my hands upwards, only at the last moment changing it to a 'v good sign' and the funny-looking guy on the left was rolling his humongous eyes upwards at the people, I guess...


I like this one! Once again, you won't think this is Msia...



I think we were all wearing 'light' colors... maybe we should be 'bright' instead of 'light', hee.



Kie's gang... I took this photo.

Monday, December 15, 2008

When love can't wait

Learning to love someone means you first have to learn to forgive them,
over, and over again
The human heart is frailer than we expect;
It bleeds with a misplaced word or a harsh look
Yet deep in our hearts we find the propensity
To forgive, when it hurts the most
To try again, where hope seems futile
To reach out to help someone else
When inside, we are suffering.

I've realized, that although we have both guarded our hearts towards each other,
we share about our lives
My human heart is foolish, I didn't expect
That I wuold memorize the care we've shared
And deep in my heart I find the capacity
To smile with my eyes, only at you
To enjoy the countless moments
You're one of the most important people in my life
I wish you will be here, always, by my side.

(wrote this at the 315 bus stop.)

Have you forgotten me?
Sometimes I think you have.
I would like to forget you, too.
When I was depressed because I did not learn to embrace my emotions, I was sad.
In the year that followed, I believe I did learn to identify and release my emotions with courage; and care for others - you were the first one I could care about.
That's why you are important.
I was at Orchard Road yesterday with Kie and Dree.
I was singing christmas songs to myself because I had to sing, for the christmas party.
It's my first public singing after the traumatic year.
I had a sudden realization of how I came to this stage where I could even dare to sing.
It's because of your encouragement, the times we walked along Adam Road to Orchard Road
I was always afraid to sing, only daring to sing one line...or two.
But now I dare to sing, a lot, because... ...
And that memory suddenly stirred up in me,
And there was no more Kie and Dree (how lame! it rhymes)
Have you forgotten me?
But I still remember you.

Talking to various ones in our group made me realize that hey, everyone has their own bittersweet memories about the past loves - bitter because they are already 'ex-es' but sweet because it reminds them of how they used to love another; though the reasons for them being 'ex-es', some reasons may be more poignant and others a matter of inconvienience, the ones around me are scared like me too, to forget to guard their hearts, to somehow fall, again...why are they scared to love? Why are they scared to find someone else? I can see it in their eyes.

Yet I can also see in their eyes that they want to, have a happy ending, like everyone else.

Gardening with Uncle Sam

This is Dad.

I'm quite proud of this video! Glad that I can showcase Dad's plants.
Also, I edited the video myself. From not even knowing how to use a Mac, and I have not learnt the software at all, it usually is done with people having diplomas in multimedia... Happy!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

When is too much, too much?


Was sick on Sunday. Went out (here,guess where?) on Monday. Fell sick again... now still sick *moans*

photo courtesy of pinkblessings.blogspot.com

Work is getting a bit overboard and being sickly with a maddening cough doesn't help. I've tried not to complain but yesterday I gave in and moaned on the phone to Kie. (actually Lilo said 'moaning' sounded wrong, but well...)

Once again, I remind myself that I'm actually the easy-going type and am not aiming to climb any corporate ladder, so even if the-worse-case scenario happens, i.e. jobless, either by circumstance or by choice, I.shall.take.it.easy.


My beef lagsagna with my new haircut...


New neighbor. I gave him my parsley, an act of noble sacrifice...soon, the rest also gave theirs to him... so this is his appetizer...PS: I think he's a great chap! Younger girls may apply (below 26) I will give you his number!

And my dearest stalwart of fortitude (on the right) PS: He is a great chap too! Around my age and my age girls may apply... easygoing, sweet and nice ladies. You must be able to be friends with me too, if not, you're out. Hahaha!
Actually with the stress levels I'm facing now, I think I will relish it!
I was thinking to myself while shopping for christmas cards (my yearly must-buy item), those retail assistants seem to really enjoy and take ownership of their work-the nice fillipino assistants. I went into Prints to buy a box, and from the time I stepped in to the time I walked out, I was greeted by ALL the staff in such a friendly manner! While shopping (because I am always doing targeted shopping), I generally prefer the assistant to point out what I want to me, state the price, and I will spend about 5-10 minutes max in the store. I was thinking that I actually don't mind being in a 'low-level' job like a waitress, or a shop staff. I'm sure they also have degrees, and they have such pride and joy in their work!

I met Larry today.

Sometimes, in life, you meet people that just leave such a nice impact on you that your mood is somehow uplifted. True enough, though I was coughingly sick, he made me cheer up. Larry is the taxt driver who sent me home. Speaking impeccable English, the old-school type that I'm used to hearing all my father's friends speak, and greeting me 'good evening madam', such a cheery breeze from all the usual rude drivers who don't know the roads... Larry shared that he used to man 300 security personnel until one day he realized that he couldn't go to work with a good attitude and thus, quit. He has only been driving for a month. He told me to be happy wherever I go, that I should just enjoy life, not worry about work. I guess I want to share in that perspective too. Like what Kie and I shared about, there are some people we just love to be around, and some that are just not fun to be around with. Maybe they always seem pensive, so much so that they also steal our joy. Larry shared that he's a single father who got custody of his child (now 16) and he remained single after his divorce 10 years earlier. He seems like a affable, wonderful chap who has such a positive attitude on everything that I can't help but to be refreshed during the ride home, and was almost sorry it had to end so soon.

Seeing so many people each week and month, I began to reflect on whether I had been showcasing a positive attitude too, despite the circumstances. I hope I did, somehow. I've been reflecting on my actions lately, and I seem to have always chosen the easier path - self-gratifying, quitting on myself, and even ending friendships with others because I did not want to face up to reality. I am inspired after reading this book about a couple's true life story -one of their books is the famous 'When God writes your Love story' but I read the 'prequel'- really keeping yourself pure for your future spouse, not just bodily pure, but keeping in mind your thoughts about other guys, about the future, and praying for your husband everyday even though you have not met him yet.

Sometimes I'm too extreme, I just - want to be different, or maybe that's a certain pride in knowing or wanting to be different. Being too free-spirited, I also get bored easily and take for granted many things in life. But in this area, I'm rather traditionalist in my thinking. I want to cook(bake: I haven't learnt how to cook yet) and clean(ironing is therapeutic) for my husband (provided I don't have a high level, stress job), to make cute things with love, and hopefully have the option to stay-at-home when the kids are at the crucial age to bombard them with intense learning flash cards. I just wish that I won't meet him too late, or we won't realize too late that we have each other. Sometimes I feel that time is running out. I am reminded that when I am young I prayed for my husband as all good christian girls were taught too. It's time to pick up where I've left off.

Jelly has shared with me his fears, too. He is of the personality similar to many church guys - stable, solid, godly, 'never been kissed', haha...these guys are of a godly character and serving but somehow it seems they remain single, maybe they have too high expectations or are not able to relate to the fairer species...being 24, graduating soon, and not having a girlfriend before, Jelly is afraid he would just fall into this category, of whom we do know a few in their late 20s. Being friends with a few of them, I know that they do share this concern too... is it too late to find a girl, or find someone whom they will fall in love with and the girl will love them too? I think I shall not underestimate their capacity to love, and I pray that they will have a happy ending...after all, that's what makes a wedding so beautiful and romantic because it is celebrating love between two people who otherwise have nothing in common.

I'm just cheered today after long months of unhappiness because Larry the taxi driver shared with me his positive optimism...I need to be a woman of prayer, reflecting on things when sickly, helps me to be a better person, I think.

Monday, December 08, 2008

A birthday card

Before meeting some of the gang today, I went a-shopping for a birthday card. I think this is the first time this year I wanted to buy a birthday card! Both Kie and Architect told me to make one, but seeing the 'doomed' state of my last handmade card never reaching its recipient, I was hesitant at spending so much time on the birthday card, only to see it reaching the same fate.

But I couldn't find a suitable one, all those for sale seemed to be too kiddish or else, too wordy, filled with words that were too meaningful, that seemed too much - when all I wanted to say couldn't be summed up in a simple birthday card. How do I say that I've missed you without being too mushy or oversentimental, how do I say it in a way without making you feel bad and saying that I do understand, I somehow understand: how your work is, how your situation is, and how you are like, and how it has to end, but...I still feel a little bit sad, a wee bit, when you are not there to share the times of laughing, the times of bantering we have in the group, when you are not there to meet the new guys, to like them, to find them interesting and fascinating the way I do?

And do you think it is stupid, the way I hold on to those happy moments, and the way the happy moments make me feel sad? In many ways I am becoming more like you, just that I feel that this is not the way I want to live. It is too difficult.

I have asked myself for my true motives(to be close to you at the beginning), maybe I am insecure so I want a handsome guy by my side?

Maybe I just like the sound of your voice, singing the tacky 90s love songs?

Maybe 'you gave me, something' that Kie, Architect, Jelly, etc could not? A deeper friendship? Maybe I needed a movie buddy? Maybe just someone to talk to on the phone? Maybe someone to help me forget the pain? Maybe!

And...

When I quiz myself on all these (actually why am I quizing myself, I am clueless, it is just 'the curse of a thinker woman')...

I always come to the same conclusion. And I'm afraid, afraid that this is just a pipe dream, a passing cloud, a vapor in the wind. Right now I always keep you in prayer. When it's raining I always wonder whether you are in the jungle shivering. When I'm overworked I wonder if you are more overworked and overwrought than me. And I am scared that it's the beginning of the end.

I have not bought the birthday card yet. =( Maybe there will be no birthday card...

Sunday, December 07, 2008

on doulos


Took it from the side of the mall

Jelly and I were catching up after his exams at vivocity this week. We found out that 'The Doulos', a christian ship, was port-of-call on Singapore for this (last) week.

Though when we discovered the ship...it was already closed for the day.
So we went to Vivocity again on Friday! To visit the ship.

Being from christian families we both had fond memories of this ship -it is a ship that sells christian books which were very valuable to some ports where books like these are not readily available. We had both visited the ship as kids, and as kids, you'd definitely be excited to go onboard a ship!



I was beaming mischievously... because my 'itchy hands' couldn't resist making a heart-shape. Haha! I copied this action from some Korean show... Chase away all his young girl fans with my itchy hands. For the record, I don't like younger guys...so too bad.




I was trying to look like Frosty


On the foyer of Vivocity...

Thursday, December 04, 2008

baked

Spiritedly is dreaming up gingerbread men and heart shaped choux dipped in fudge.

Baked some organic cookies - oatbran and nuts yesterday. They still smell great... one of the perks of baking is that the smell lingers on in your dreams, if you happen not to change clothes. Haha!

Well I only have the mood for baking/creating stuff like chocolate fudgey marshmallows during Christmastime. Somehow, it's the season. But due to the china embargo on lots of products, I can't find most of the ingredients I need or prefer, thereby sticking to ready-made or organic products. Heck, I can't even find good chocolate to make the fudge... No fudge no fun.

I was working today with an acquaintance from The Church - he is in the same field as Zero - after the project, he shared to me over Mos iced milk tea, some parts about his life that made me feel...WOW, everyone has some sad event or story in their life, too. He is a handsome guy, model, and looks fresh-faced, like hardly anything difficult has gone his way. But he stopped schooling and signed on in the army to pay for his family's Hdb after his dad went bankrupt, and now, is approaching the 10th year of being a regular. He said that he had to pay 1K a month, every month... wow, I thought that if I had to face such turmoils and debts, it would definitely overwhelm me. He also paid for his younger brothers' education...

Sigh! What a man! Where can I find this kind of man!

He said that throughout his life, he had many 'opportunities' to be depressed, and this was one of them, but he pulled through eventually. I think that if I feel that I will ever slip into the danger mode of being depressed again, Signaler's story will actually help to shape my thinking.

Am grateful to have met him, meeting so many people in my work has helped me to shape my perspective on life. Sometimes, I meet people who are... @#$%!%... truly, the only want to use you to their own advantage, or are too...overbearing, or their scheming and conniving mentality just disappoints you.

But meeting people like Signaler always brightens me up. I think there is no clear answer to why some people turn out the way they do. Why some people remember the past with fear and bitterness, why others can seemingly forget and see the past as a happy experience, on the whole.

I guess along the way I've met so many people with such a positive attitude despite their shortcomings and unhappy experiences that I've learnt to be more magnanimous.

I think that there is no point to be upset, or angry at anyone for a prolonged period of time, no matter what they have done or how much hurt they have caused you. It's not easy to go through the tough times but I hope I can withstand it, and remain positive, when tougher times come.

Monday, December 01, 2008

it's december

It's december.
Too
many
memories
this month,
last year.

When
hope
is futile
we tend to dwell on past events
when we were happier
when life was better
when we believed love was lasting
and
the christmas decorations
(along orchard road)
were not so hideous, too...