Sunday, September 18, 2011

if love came easy

I woke up at 5 am, unable to go to sleep. I thought I had heard myself talking to the unknown creature in my dreamscape, and in that conversation I said, 'I wished love came easy for me.'

I wished I knew for sure that this life, what everyone seemed content with wanting and having, would be something that I wanted, too. The Singaporean dream. We have it too easy, but if you ask anyone, no one would agree. They would say that life is too hard here. They did not have anyone else to compare with because their world is so small.

Not too long ago, I thought that was what I had in the grasp of my hand and many less lucky girls would envy me for it. And in the present I could see the future. 2 kids, an apartment, working in middle management, taking weekend holidays to Malaysia, and so on. There's nothing wrong with that. But I also see too many people trying to convince themselves that this is what they had waited all their lives for. They take photos of their possessions and holidays, their loves and lives, but some of us see that perhaps behind the words and pictures they are trying to convince themselves too, that this is what they wanted for themselves.

In countries worse off, this could be a dream never realized. In places where peace is fragile, where money is scarce, where people are unable to find a stable income, their dream might be just to live to eat another meal and keep warm for another night. But what about the next day, and the next year? I live in a country that has only known peace; and the days seem monotonous to me, so peaceful, in fact, that I suffer inside with the burden of my thoughts, daydreaming when I should be living instead. I see more than others; I see the momentary glimpse of someone's heart on the look of his face when he remembers years spent with someone he thought he loved; and then it turned out to be something of the past, and not of the future.  And this sort of morbid thing stays with me, long after the person has traveled to a faraway place.

And yet, in spite of it all, he hopes for a better day ahead, where all the pieces fit together. A love in his hand, a secure future, a genuine smile from within, that says, don't worry about tomorrow, God will take care of us, if it's as simple as that, it can be. And I who have never known a day of suffering in my life, I who spend way too much on expensive dresses I seldom wear, more books than I can ever finish reading, I see this in his eyes, I sense the suffering in his soul, just for that moment in time, and then it is vanished, replaced with the happiness of spending time with someone he wanted to spend time with, me, of course.

How can I ever tell him I understand, that the kindness in his eyes tells me of his determination for a better life.

And that if I keep thinking of that haunting look, I would be able to give up everything I had but never valued, to that war-torn city others call a promised land.