Wednesday, November 30, 2005

101 things in 1001 days Part 1

Creating my own 1001 day project.

The mission: To complete 101 pre assigned tasks in 1001 days.

Shall accept the challenge! And also take some time to think about it.

Some of the things that I (really, really) want to do/accomplish. These I can think offhand:

1. Master Bahasa Indonesia well enough to go solo into villages without a guide.
2. Travel to Australia. (Visit Ms BestFriend, backpack, see penguins)
3. Travel to Canada. (My co's incentive trip)
4. Learn driving...
5...And buy a car! Volks/Renault/...
6. Get a promotion.
7. Study Greek.
8. Backpack around South East Asia.
9. Start painting canvases again. Paint a picture.
10. Write a novel.
11. Write a song, sing it, record it down and play it for at least 2 people to critique.
12. Go without meat for a week.
13. Go without tea or coffee for a week.
14. Buy a plot of land.
15. Visit a micronation. (Eg Vanuatu)
16. Buy a new cell phone (Mine is running out of memory space for new contacts)
17. Go for a facial/spa/massage regularly
18. Watch a play/musical at the Esplanade every year.
19. Dye my hair red again (My trademark, can't believe it's been some time since...)
20. Read every word of the Message Bible.
21. Take care of my skin - Drink more water, use lotions, detox, sunscreen etc

Okay all I can think of for now. Should be done with the list in 2006 maybe...

Sunnydale cell Christmas desktop wallpaper
Sunnydale Christmas e-card

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Meme: Daily Affirmations

Overstretched my left gluteus maximus yesterday whilst gymming, so now I walk limply as though my hip flexors are shortened. Haha!

So in the monday morning meeting we had to fill up the sheet given with some motivational messages. As always I try to take corporate stuff seriously. Really.

(what I wrote)

I am... (Have to fill in 5 blanks, la...)

I am book smart and street smart. Well at least more so than the average Singaporean. Although I'm only armed with an honors degree for now, I do hope to do a Masters' soon, followed by Doctorate ho! I've travelled alone, on flights and buses to our nearest third world country, a single girl alone, I guess that verifies the latter 'affirmation'.

I am soulfully imaginative. Mum told me I make daily decisions with my soul. And I tend to be spaced-out, drifting in my own utopia, from time to time.

I am a turnaround leader, I am capable in the areas wherein my passion lies, I am loved by God - therefore I am special.


*Read aloud the above 3 times a day. (a bit ridiculous, I am not going to do it.)

Well, I know who I am and... yea!

Told Gene and Fangy that to know what we like about someone, as friends or otherwise, it is one of my principle to write down everything I like about them. In my journal, in numberical order. Hee. It's quite fun, and also gives you a good reminder in the future should you both forget the reason why you like each other.

Also it proves (at least to me) that my likings for people are not based on superficialities - unless all the things I write are based on exterior. Haha! And I always have to write at least 10 to show to myself that hey, this person actually has enough good qualities to welcome him/her into my life (Nah just joking! That's so... ... )

I wrote about someone today. Hit 20. Wow.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Aceh, 11 months later.

Received a copy of the International Herald Tribune for Fri/Sat, was quite surprised to see an article about Aceh (Yes! I'll be there in 6 days!) on the front page.

Lengthy article but it's a really well described one - newsworthy yet heart-wrenching. Kudos to Barry Bearak of the New York Times for contributing his story.

"Aceh can't forget the ghost in the sea"

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The intangible

Happiness is the soul's joy in the possession of the intangible.

The supreme courage of life is the courage of the soul. It is living, day by day, sincerely, steadfastly, serenely, - despite all opinions, all obstacles, all opposition. It means the wine of inspiration from the crushed grapes of our sorrows. This courage makes the simplest life, great; it makes the greatest life - sublime. It means the royal dignity of fine individual living.

-William George Jordan

in·tan·gi·ble adjective: incapable of being touched : having no physical existence : not tangible or corporeal

I want. To have a decent conversation over coffee discussing topics such as the meaning of things, past loves, and future hopes. To watch a beautiful sunset silently. To go to Labarador Park or Chek Jawa. To walk in the rain and huddle together with a cup of warm cocoa. To write little notes that mean a lot when read out and internalised. To sing and dance like no one's watching. To be touched. To be hugged. To be told that I'm good. To walk barefoot in the grass and then in the sand. To be lightly browned, sitting at the shore, and eat hotdogs and drink frappes all day. To read things to each other that are really meaningful. To receive overseas calls out of the blue from the ones that are away.

All I want for Christmas!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Trying to understand

God is light. God is love. - Book of John, Holy Bible.

Yesterday, I was told that "I am loved by the Lord."

Really touched.

Even more so that it came from Grass' mouth. =) The way he communicates is downright exasperating and draining at times, but the encouragement that comes unexpectedly, I treasure so much.

Manager told me today over kayatoast that we both(me and Grasshopper) really cannot make it, both of us are staunchly believing in different things, and neither would convert for the other. It's amazing how much my life becomes a table-conversation topic, ├žuz she mentioned that while I was not around yesterday the other consultant asked how was the outcome.(me and Grasshopper's eh, suspicious partnership/prospect deal) It's funny too how much the people around tend to overanalyze. Well, manager said that she's thankful I'm not those overly zealous christians who go around trying to convert anyone they meet. I tried to act like one, unconvincingly, just for laughs... It's strange that since Grass arrived, the subject of religion has become something that is openly discussed.

And I think I will not respect anyone that would convert his/her religion for me. Nor would I respect myself much if I were to do the same. But I understand how the subtle pressure that exerts itself amongst friends could be annoying at times. I think people need to be understood. Countless times, Grass thinks he understands me very well (yea right) and always telling me that I don't understand. Which I countered back with, "What make you think I don't?'' Perhaps the people around us try to understand us, and they think they do. But on our part, we are not trying hard enough to understand them. I always tell my cell members when salting, 'that they don't care how much we know, until they know how much we care.' I'm trying to be more open, to be more understanding. To respect people as they have respected me, and not shoving the gospel down their throats and talking about Jesus all the time, but also not being nonchalant and losing the opportunities that present itself.

I realised that my division is a strongly christian one, but the ones around me are all prebelievers. Although I do long for some positive spiritual impact from my superiors, I realise that I have the power to influence them as well. Manager has said that her life has changed since the less-than-two-months I've been here. All I hope to do is to make a positive impact on the lives of others.

Sometimes we care too much about keeping up appearances that we fail to be real. I think I neglect this area! I used to care, too much. Whether I have the position to impact someone, how I can go about doing it. Now, I'm so motivated, I talk to anyone, people on the street, in the lifts, with two agendas. One, to smile at them and brighten up their day. The other... ... to understand humankind a little bit better. Meeting difficult people can dampen my mood, really...But it's the gems like Grass, Warren, Brain, Rudy, Lilth - nice strangers that I meet out there, friendly and helpful, that really sets a standard for me in the way I treat others lesser than me.

I'm vowing to not avoid canvassers of any type and being friendly to all the people who approach me from now on. It's only 2 minutes of my time anyways, but to make someone's day? Hey, that's priceless.


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Conversations about God

Met Grasshopper again today. Just wanted to spend time, have a meal and meet up... I was in an antagonistic mood, which I'd warned him earlier, but he seemed to ignore this fact, and further agitate me. Well, I guess the cold weather made me pretty chilly to all of his crappiness. In fact, I got a bit of Grass-overdose, went back to the office pretty fed-up and burst out to Manager who soothed me and helped me to focus. Guess Grass felt it too, I was just moodily walking slowly, and he stopped the irritating stuff. In the evening it was so much better and we managed to patch things up somehow. Gosh, I spent like 7 hours with him today. I really enjoy his company though, we should have more people like him in this world. I'm glad I met him.

What made me quite perturbed was the issue of God, and how fast this discussion should creep up. What can I say to someone who is so much like me that he believes as deeply, as strongly as me, just that he believes in a different thing? And deep down, I do fear that I'm not as strong, not as convicted as him, that somehow through talking to him I will become unravelled. An irrational fear that persists, and makes me antagonistic to all his ponderings.

I knew he was going to ask.

I was afraid of what I was going to say.

Grasshopper asked me today, "WHO IS GOD?" I mean, how do you explain God, who God is to me...Who God is to me does not define who is God, and how do you explain, that He is the Father of all creation, the maker of Heaven and Earth? How do you tell someone that God, to you, is not just a distant being, but someone REAL, who cares about you and knows about you like no one else does, and most of all, answers all your prayers, and is faithful to you beyond reason, despite all the bad things I've done, despite all the failures, that He is there, He is ALWAYS there. And how do you link it to the part where faith comes in, where you have to believe in Him (Grass asked if it's blind faith?) It's not, how do you explain faith? How do you explain that to someone who doesn't believe, but wants to know?

So I just sincerely did it in the best way I could.

I looked into his eyes and told him, God is someone that loves you.

I hoped that touched him. I hope that it makes a difference to someone who says he cares about everything, and yet nothing, yet when I asked him what he truly cared about, he doesn't really know. Maybe he doesn't bother. Or that life to him, is carpe diem.

I could cry. I did, you know. Just thinking about God. Shed a few tears in front of Manager too as I related about the day. Guess I'm learning how to be real.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

The certainty of uncertain things felt

If things were certain, if I only knew what I was going to say would change your mind, what I was going to do would change the world, if only I knew.

I still don't know now, nor do I want to come to a realisation that some things should be stopped, some should not, even though sometimes I stop those that don't need stopping, just because I'm scared that my fragile emotions will shatter into a thousand pieces.

Certain things, can only be measured in the spaces of time, certain things, with time, grows so much that it becomes something that exists, all of the sudden, as if it blossomed overnight.

And certain people can change your life so much, so fast, that you wonder what took place and how it happened.

To keep at arm's length is something I don't do very well.

Perhaps I'd like to repeat my mistakes, but this time, I'd be happy doing it. Really happy.
To keep at arm's length someone who has given me so much encouragement, happiness, and quantity time seems crazy. Now, knowing the repercussions, maybe I am on the path of no return. Or maybe I will return. =)

I can't help the way I'm thinking.

Gosh. Our decision determines our destiny, I know, and I'm supposed to be way mature for my age, a role model to many.

But sometimes I just want to have fun.

To be myself, and to experience certain things in life I never will have the chance to if I decide not to. Immature thinking?

I'm still young, I need some time. To be certain of things felt not said, just expressed in a single look or a warm touch. Actions speak louder than words. My actions speak loud, to me. My actions determines the uncertain. I'm losing it...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

A positive impact

I'm just starting out, but I know what I'm going to be.

Grasshopper asked me (naively) if I am a hardcore christian, I was pretty amazed he knew. Then he started singing this ancient hymn that even I have not heard before. Despite me not saying anything about it to him, so far. But on my part, since the day I met him, I have been praying that somehow God will show Himself to him. I'm really happy to have met Grasshopper. He makes me happy, and speaks my love language all too well. I should not beat myself up for being too close to him in such a short period of time. But all the same, I do worry about whether this is going to last and where will this journey lead. And is he like this, to all the other people he recently met too? Or am I different, a special one? I can't tell. I'm content for now for the amount of time he is willing to spend and offer to me, and the wonderful conversations of a familiar-yet-strange kind.

One reason why I relate so well with him is because I see so much of myself in him, the good; and the bad. He is the bold part of me that I've kept supressed for so long, the fire, and the constant enthusiasm that perks the whole place up. Grasshopper reminds me of myself, of who I can be in front of others, as long as I just let my guard down, and be happy, like the old days. Meeting him is like meeting an old friend I forgot I once knew.

Surprisingly, I find myself, more peaceful, more certain, more at ease with the world. I start talking to people, these days, more often that I normally do. Even in lifts. Even the coffee-sao, today I found out her name is Mary. It's amazing what some daily encouragement from someone does for you daily. I shall encourage the familiar strangers around me too.

Thank God for the rain. Walking in the rain, with the cute colleague today. Was in a hyper mood so made him share his tiny umbrella with biggie me. He's nice but really guarded, and the type that would never ever approach people on the street so I was wondering what is he doing in my job. Anyways, he's nice. So, I found out during our sojourn that I'm influential, too, in a way. Was telling him about Grasshopper, he remarked that he sort of knew about it... And so I 'scolded' him for eavesdropping, a mean feat as I'm about 4 metres away from him. He remarked that I spoke quite loudly on the phone and everyone including him could overhear anything I said to anyone, haha... Well, it's either that, or they are learning how to talk to people from me. Or perhaps they are just not working! I must say that I 'eavesdrop' too, but with the intention of learning what not to say, and how to build rapport. So wow. I always knew they were eavesdropping so sometimes I go manager's room to call. But wow, I feel quite pleased knowing he's always listening.

Read something that impacted me, about influence. Some people are supposedly natural, but I think it takes the will and also actively doing it. I want to be more influential. I cannot believe how some leaders influence no one. Hey, if you are a leader, you are supposed to be influential, it says so in your 'name'! I want to be someone that develops leaders one day, who develops other leaders and in so doing, achieve success! Which cannot be measured in monetary terms, only the quality of life.

At the bottom level, the person influences: no one. This, I find very very sad 'cuz I believe that hey, even a little office boy or cleaner can influence someone. Right? Well, maybe no one wants to listen to their opinion and perhaps they are not allowed to talk. The next level, the person influences: some people. I think that's the norm. Next, influence: only the people under them... Again, very sad case. Those people, got no choice but to listen. Hey, at least they do. The next level is better: influences their peers, yay! Next: influences the people above them - I know I'm doing this already! Influencing Manager, already a month with her and now she speaks like me with my strange slang - and always uses my cute phrases... typically I do it many times in a day... The top level, influences: Everyone. People who write books, do speeches, that sort of thing. I hope to be up there someday! One of the ways I know, for myself, is that I need to talk more, especially in larger groups. I'm very comfortable to share, influence and inspire in small groups, but in large ones I tend to only focus on the people left and right of me, and also, be more of a crappy person. Serious stuff I cannot handle well talking to big groups, when I realise 10 pairs of eyes on me listening intently, I gulp and start to... be funny. It's a wonder how I managed to get through each session I lead. =)

So, hope to influence someone everyday! One day I will realise it, like how I realised it today. I'm happy for that, I hope I made a positive impact.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Keeping silent

Just had a fleeting thought that it would be nice to have a manual, an easy-to-read book about everything that we could possibly wonder in life.

Maybe, I will write one someday and it would be a bestseller.

I guess, Life always brings many unexpected surprises.

Like the meeting of kindred spirits, the outcome of things done that you never knew created opportunities in life for you to be happier, to improve the quality of life, to learn, to find joy.

In the diaspora of hundreds and hundreds of people, it is often hard to realise that in the crowd, there would be one person who's waiting to meet you.

Sometimes it's easy, almost effortless, the coincidental meetings forged by just being in that place, at that point of time, with that person.

Other times, it's difficult. To think that you might have overlooked people you pass by everyday, hence losing many opportunities, seems to me such a devastating thought. Imagine, if no one had the initiative, and just kept silent.

Perhaps I am prone to keeping silent many times in the past. It's been said, some people fall under the 'observant' category, some under 'oblivious', and some 'on target!' I've been, too often, too observant, only talking with my skinny eyes, longing and wishing for something to happen but never doing anything about it, until the opportunity is gone.

Been hanging with Grasshopper lately, he's someone that is a male version of me (manager: That's terrible! Me: Stop it!) only that he is naggier and ... slightly blur...okay I am, too... We like to space out and think about stuff. Seeing him everyday has been wonderful, it's almost like we have known each other for ages, yet it's been barely days. I just hope to guard my heart in this friendship - although to me, between friends, there is no such thing as being too close. Let's see how it goes, I rarely meet someone so much like me, haha! I do enjoy his company very much, and surprisingly I'm not as irritated by him as all the other extroverted males in my cohort. To think that we almost never got acquainted with each other seems horrendous to me now. Lei was with me that day at Cltax, she is amazed how close we are now. Make friends easily, my forte. All the same I'm still guarded - I need quantity time which I do get from Grass... =) We have declared ourselves 'partners', businesswise, hope that it will be a fulfilling time together.

Keeping an open mind is a good thing. As long as it's coupled with a guarded heart.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Brain drain

More often than not, it's less tiring to sort out my thought process first before embarking on anything that requires more than a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Although I do get 'brain-drain' easily. Should eat more brain foods... like banana? Eeuwww. Well been thinking about many things during my daily transport times, from mundane everyday things to wondering about issues that cannot be answered easily to the societal pressures of life here... Can one actually run away from oneself? And can one actually be oblivious to the effect one has on their friends, on their sphere of influence? I hope that I am a person of influence, yet sometimes I just don't want anyone to be impacted by me, by the look on my face, by the things I say or don't say, by the things I do. Sometimes, it's easier to do things when you don't care about the repercussions or when you think no one knows or bothers. It's amazing cuz I think people get headaches from either worrying too much, or thinking too much. I fall in the latter category. I'm shocked at people who never think, who, when I talk about something deep and important to me, they just smile amusedly and say they never think about that, or these thoughts have never occurred to them before. That's why I was sharing with Squirrel, sometimes I feel as though no one understands me. But for Squirrel, I know he always does. That's the difference. The world does not seem so bleak when you can find kindred spirits.

The nightmares doesn't help, either. Just woke up and it is still in my mind. Choosing not to dwell on it!

And having these thoughts that occupy my mind makes me sort of tuned out to society and normal daily activities. Well I guess I like it better this way. A remark from Squirrel made me realise how decadent our Society is, and how extorbitant... Why do we need so much money to survive (here) anyways? Everything is so... decadent... So commercialised. Especially Christmas is commercialised. Can I not buy anything from the shops this year? It's almost impossible. But I want to buy what I truly need, not what they say I should buy. I think I'm running away from the realities of this world. Then again, I have to live with it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Divine appointments

Prayer is a specific divine appointment, an ordinance of heaven, whereby God purposes to carry out His gracious designs on earth and to execute and make efficient the plan of salvation. The man of prayer is God's right hand man. In the realm of spiritual affairs, he creates conditions, inaugurates movements, brings things to pass.

Amazed at divine appointments, at how easily I meet people and being able to build rapport with them, making it easier to invite them to experience Jesus.

No matter how tired I am, I still want to ask one more, bring one more... ...


Gymming is great, start to recognize some of the people who frequent it, too. Realised I'm stronger than I think I am, really. Whoo, I can push 90lbs and lift 60lbs quite easily now... There's that swift satisfaction of being able to do it! And of course now I look... healthy. Thin, but healthy. Been eating slightly more proteins on purpose. Meat and stuff. Which I like, so isn't a big effort for me.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

I still save all his mails

It's funny (Okay, maybe funny is not a suitable word to use) the way how some friendships are.

Some are driven apart by conflicting schedules so that you can only meet once or twice a year, but still when you meet it's as though no time has passed, and the level of closeness is as before, the only difference is that perhaps you look slightly different from the last time you both met.

Some are driven together by similar environment or situational, yet precisely because of the convienience you don't really care that much should anything happen to drive it apart...until it is driven apart, for whatever absurd reasons; or perhaps no significant reason at all.

It's strange how certain friendships turn out.

Mine with Ches was unusual to say the least. Wrote about it before here, that from the time I knew him, never talked to him at all for a span of about two years or more. Never thought that we could clique, much less have a decent conversation. We moved in different circles in a similar environment. It was only after he was confirmed leaving Singapore that we became close. During the years that he was in Singapore, we never met nor went out, not together singly; not in a group. After he left, it became a must for us to meet up whenever he manages to drop by.

I always feel so privileged to meet him because despite the friends that he has made here, those that were closer to him in church, he only wants to meet me and another friend; not even wanting to tell 'the rest' that he was here. The last time round, it was like this, too. I'm not allowed to tell them either, until he is gone, tomorrow! Guess we both have a special place in each others' hearts, although we refuse to admit to it, or anything more.

The number of words we exchanged through email in the first six months was more than the ones we managed to converse face-to-face in the last 2 years. It's true that we don't treasure interpersonal relationships until we know that there is an expiry date to it. The only words I remember saying to him every time we met in church was, "Hello, Mr Fernandez", because I saw his name printed on his bible and all the while I only knew him as Ches, till then. And that was all I had to say, and being the quiet person he is, never said much either.

And through the long emails pondering about life, writing out our heartfelt thoughts about our spiritual struggles, our relationships with the ones in our sphere, the things we had to go through, a deep bond was formed. I'm old-fashioned, I love a good old letter to pore over and read, and reread again. I still save all his mails. I cannot bear to delete them. (Although now with gmail, they claim I never need to delete anything again...)

I'm so glad to finally see him. =) Took a mental photograph of him, a vivid picture in my memory's eye now; that will slowly fade as the days drag on. Hope this picture lasts six months, till I get to see him again.

Been waiting for tomorrow for 7 months

Meeting Ches tomorrow, means so much to me.

It's the only and LAST time I can see him this year. The last time that I could see him(March this year), I was very miffed, 'cuz I had dengue and there was no chance I could recover miraculously in time. Going to be a really hectic Sunday as I rush to 3 different appointments, plus 2 clashing ones. Being a leader means morning 9AM meetings at church for consecutive Sundays, I never get enough sleep! Can't be everywhere at the same time, all the same, I wish I could put everything down just for one day and do absolutely nothing. Then again, I would be bored to death!

And I combed my hair today and everyone noticed. What...Aye, I never comb my hair. Ok, seldom. To suit my inner messy, unconventional personality I usually tie it carelessly in a knot with strands falling down and blah blah, my usual style la, the grunge look. It's amazing what a brush can do! 'Cuz of the special service, I combed my hair a hundred times, and put 3 different styling products on it. Today the first thing the guys in cell asked me, you did something to your hair? Looks different...Nice lei... hmmm from this experience apparently guys(in my social circle anyways) like those long-haired, let-down, cover-the-face, with-fringe- kind of hairstyles. The typical gu-niang look of which I am not fond of. Already found this hairstyle very irritating when I kept it on for a few hours. I like to show off my cheekbones, ha! =P Hope my future life partner doesn't fancy this look...If he does... I'd ask him to perm his hair...(Cuz I adore fuzzy wuzzy hair ...wooo)

4 oikos from cell came today for YAS and I think that's fantastic. Although I don't know what happened to my 2 who are supposed to appear...But I believe that the prayers solicited will impact their lives in a way I cannot begin to fathom. Heard from Nars about his friend P who somehow 'trusted in God' after I challenged him at Silver Rain. Now, I don't usually challenge people about faith, and that was somewhat encouraging to me, although I haven't got the full details about the whole miracle that took place. Waiting for his email, so that I can get a fuller picture of what is the outcome. I do hope that Nar's friend becomes a regular member... It would be great to hear him share his testimony one day. Actually had clammy hands watching my lil members sharing on stage before their water baptism, they were really happy about it! It's time to move on to another level...Next year, hope to see them as potential cell leaders, nurturing people who need to grow on. We all wore pink, even the guys, hahaha...Methinks they enjoy it secretly...We were so highly noticeable, though, sighs...Everyone kept asking us if it's planned, obviously it was... Although the time we wore yellow wasn't. =)

And, my resistance training is paying off... From the first time to the gym, last friday, to the 3rd time, I've already lost 2 kg. I'm not amused! Already quite *ahem* slim... Used different machines from the last time round, more effective...discovered muscles in places I never knew it could exist, haha!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Daytrip n Rupiah's looks

Hmm. I suppose I should say something about the photos. Aye went to Bintan for a day, stocked up on stuff that I would need for the Aceh trip.

Got: anti-bacterial socks to wear with the construction boots, white tee-shirts with my-type-of-prints, one that says "Military Engineer" whee! (I bought 5, my friends are going to get sick of seeing me in them everyday), a stylo hat, and construction worker pants that my sister commented looked really construction worker, haha! Most importantly, bought an Inggeris-Bahasa guide, small pocketbook. I shall carry it around everyday when I'm there.

And drink Sosro everyday.

I'm so looking forward just to drink it. Sosro addict, methinks. Apart from a good chocolate cake, I get high on tea as well. Makes me happy and hyper. Drink tea almost everyday! Can't lug away bottles and boxes of it in my backpack though... =) After the briefing yesterday, my enthusiasm for the trip is mounting! Sheepy said he has been waiting for this a long time, haha...since july! Well, I have been praying hard for it! Finally! Can't wait to pound the 'batus' and use the 'gergajis' on the 'kayu'...

And it does feel good to carry wads of thousands dollar notes with me... 25000 my hat cost. Realised that the notes looked rather different from what I remember. Gave Shiner 5000 (hahaha!) on his birthday, the note now looks different? Smaller, duller colors? (Brown and green, bad combination if you ask me.) Did they change their currency in the last few years? *stops awhile to google my meanderings*

The one I gave Shiner looked like this:

Big, bright and crispy papered! Nice, right... (Oh I like crispy money!) The 5000 that is used today:Some cautious looking man in a turban with a conical beard. The dull, brown and green combi. Not crispy... Boooo. Didn't know my 5000 note became antique. If I knew, I would have kept it and not gave to Shiner... Can take back? To think that I was joking with him, saying that if you keep it longer... ...the more worthless it becomes. Cannot even buy toilet paper next time. (For the uninitiated, I was referred to the inflation and current rupiah's situation in forex right now. Which is, sinking...)


I still have thousands left for my Sosro when I go to Aceh, whee!

Indon kelong called Kpg Bestari near Batu Lapan

Indon kitty. Sounds different when mewing, too

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


"Personnel determines the potential of the team.
Vision determines the direction of the team.
Work ethic determines the preparation of the team.
Leadership determines the success of the team."

-- John C. Maxwell

One of my goals in the year ahead, committing myself to be a better cell leader, to move people on and inspire potential they never knew they had. And above all, to give glory to God for all the successes. I believe for more. =)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Any other Tuesday

Setting goals and building rapport.

Learnt about building rapport as a very important part of my job, so I practiced it on a call today. Tried to sound sympathetic to an acquaintance who just crashed his car.
I jokingly asked,

"Oh, you banged your car against a lamp-post?"

He seriously replied, "Yes. How did you know?"

Ummm. Well the good thing is that we agreed to meet for coffee next week.

And I was sleepy in the morning so I called one oikos that I met in the REAL Run, hoho. Met two that day. Amazingly he's coming on Saturday. I still can't believe it. I'm sure he will appear and that the message will speak to him. Sometimes it's just so easy to bring people to church. Especially now, if we all just bother to actually a-s-k. Setting goals is one area in my life that I'd have to work on, especially if I want to succeed and not waste the months and years away. Felt that somehow after the honors course I sort of lost my momentum, my vision, and direction, I have been wandering around for some time now. But I digress. Early this year I set a personal target for myself, to bring 12 oikos who are FTVs to Trinity this year. One for each month! From the start, I did well, brought 5 already since April, ... but after that I guess I lost the touch, or just the guts to ask people to come. And keep asking, and asking and asking! I've met and made friends with so many new people this year, I believe it is God's answer to my prayer for divine appointments, each time I go out.

I'm going to be a gym addict soon...It's fun to lift weights and stuff... I think I'm quite sadist... like to do to the extreme... push and push myself and then ache real bad the next day. The Counterpain muscle rub is really lousy... and such a strong scent...EukyBear is so much better! (Australian kids' cold rub which works for muscle aches and pain as well) I cycled too fast last friday, quads were aching till I couldn't even turn my legs while sleeping!!

Realised it's still cheaper to not get a membership even if say I go twice a week... Saw Batman again, was sort of hoping to see him, although I cringe when it comes to talking. My cell ladies were soooo encouraging though, it was so funny, everytime Batman walked by they would keep giggling and pointing, so reminiscent of oldskool days. Hope Batman doesn't get the wrong idea! Well, I do have my reservations after several bad experiences this year. I just hope that my actions would not be misrepresented. Batman! It's so funny... Well, I will pick up my guts and ask on friday. By chance.

It's a really good day today. Just like any other Tuesday.

Monday, November 07, 2005

A warrior or a wimp?

Pour. Pour out the troubles of my heart on the small white pieces of paper. Scribble down my dreams in a notebook. Write my goals on a post-it note and stick it to my diary. Everyday. To remind myself everyday to accomplish things I never knew I could, to persevere in a way I never thought I would.

In the most dismal abyss, at the point of no return, when you've reached the place of disillusionment; then only, can you know what real faith is. What seems perfect, pure and unattainable. And then you realise, there is no way I can be like that guy.

But my small ounce of faith, he knows. My little pleas for help, he listens. And in the prayers that are answered I draw strength for the ones not yet answered. Starting again to hear the still small voice that I've been trying to for so long. Slowly, I'm regaining my strength. And there are many things still.

I used to think that FEAR was never in my vocabulary. Since I was young, I was never afraid of anything. Not the dark. Not death, nor sickness. Not even pain nor irrational phobias like crossing overhead bridges and whatnot. But these days, I realised I'm so afraid. I guess fear is a human emotion engineered to gear us towards a goal, or to separate the wimps from the warriors. The warriors are not those who have no fear, but those who are the most successful in overcoming theirs. I used to be afraid of being alone/left out/unwanted, although that was seldom the case, hehe. Now, I'm afraid of failing God. I'm afraid of being penniless. I'm afraid of not being successful... I'm afraid of just facing up to reality. Strange that I used to think that I was fearless.

I'm weary, I need rest. Yet I still need challenges. =)

angry? bored? frustrated? ...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Fallen - I've tried

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

-Sarah MaLachlan, "Fallen".

Though I've tried, picking up the pieces, igniting memories that once were, that should-not-be, struggling to be non-conventional in a society that despises the poor and the weird, with churning changes all around me, I've tried. I've tried.

I've tried not to care so much about others' feelings, I've tried to be selfish and only be inward looking...But through all my actions, it seems as though I still care.

I've tried to keep a distance, to keep at arms' length, to hold, to resist. Yet for all the efforts, I dream about it. My subconscious plagues me to return. Yet I cannot, although I want to. I will remember everything, that is me and my photographic memory's promise... although for now, just let me be. Fact is, I'm tired. I'm tired of changing and changing. Changing my mind, changing my opinions, my mindsets... what remains constant is my beliefs, which are already wavering in the face of all these changes. I'm tired of this world, of being here in this locale, with narrow minded people full of their own obstinate, insensible thoughts. I'm tired of having no one who truly understands me; and the very people who do, I fear getting too close to them and repeating my mistakes. I'm tired of people thinking they know me, but the fact is, just because they exchange a few words with me, doesn't mean that they understand me or my thought process or my relationships with other people or my spiritual level - and that doesn't give them the right to speak about anything pertaining to my interests whatsoever. I'm tired of the limelight, of the controversies that shows the downside of human nature. I just want to be myself, low-profile, going about doing what I long to. I'm tired of leading people that are non-movers, non-shakers...those that need a wake-up call. I wish I could just switch off my engine for a while and let someone else take over. I need a leader,too.

I'm tired of talking to people who don't understand. Who don't even try. Who start monologues of their own.

I need someone, too. To listen beyond what is being said.

That, to me, is a good listener. More than anything else.

I have not made up my mind. I'm afraid to. I don't know what my mind is thinking. Grr.

Friday, November 04, 2005

A conversation that took place, not too long ago...

He: Why do you keep talking about him?
Me: I don't keep talking about him! Only periodically!
He: No, you do...
Me: ...
He: You should ask yourself why you keep talking about him.
Me: Why should I ask myself? Of course I know why...
He: Do you really know why?
Me: You want to know?
He: No, I just want you to know why.
Me: I know why.
He: Good. If you know why.
Me: So do you want me to tell you why?
He: No, I just want to make sure you know why.
Me: Why?
He: ... ...
Me: @#?!?!

And so it went on like this. For some things, more so than others, the reason; though it may seem unclear to others, to me, it's like a reflection upon the clear, untroubled waters of my soul. Although I seem senseless and irrational to most, deep down I have my own weird logic in defining things.

And I forgot about this conversation until yesterday when I was lounging on the grass with Giffy at the SkyGarden. Dear Giffy who's also always there for me... who always tries not to let me pay, and tirelessly listens to me, better than anyone else ever could... Who is also leaving, like all my dear friends... overseas. It's either them or me. Me, making friends that like to leave here. Them, having a pro-overseas mentality. Else, the rest of my friends are not local anyways... Haiz

Thursday, November 03, 2005

First thing in the morning

Prayer changes things.

If I could fly, I'd soar into the sky and pinpoint the exact direction to the location of where you are, and tap you from the back, and give you the shock of your life, delightedly. If you could fly, I'd want you to catch a star for me when you sail away. I would put them into glass bottles and in the years to come, I'd have bottles and bottles of stars, lining my shelves, under my bed, and along the walls of my room. And years later, the stars would still shine, brightly, a reminder of the times together, a reminder of you, a reminder of what I cherish about you.

Love is when you realise that you think about the person, the last thing you think about when you sleep at night, and the first thing in the morning. And little snippets of time that you have to yourself, you think about him, too. His name is never far from your lips, and when he calls you by your name, a tingly feeling creeps up your spine as you beam and reply in the affirmative. Love is when, you know and he knows, even though the future seems unobtainable, even though besides age or locale or race or tiny differences, there are many insurmountable barriers; but despite all obstacles, this one emotion is able to overcome all.

But instead of flying - we can't; we do mundane human things based on logic and other complex workings of the human mind that is unfathomable. We do not understand our thoughts, so we hide them under a blanket of pseudo psychology that tells us not to consider them as important and valued upon all.

So we ignore these thoughts in the morning and at night, we try to act nonchalant in front of the only person that we would want to marry, we pretend life carries on as usual, we pretend to be mean to the people we love, we lose contact with the person over time, and even as time passes, our short-term memory grows shorter and shorter, and we even forget about the love we shared, in the eventuality of time taking the place of our fleeting, fragile emotions that makes up the core essence of our souls.

Slowly and over time, perhaps through other friends' well-wishes, and some own longings as well, we start to look at other people again, with the desire of finding a soul mate, someone who can and will fulfil our needs, who brings out the best in us, and who loves us for who we are. So we search, we keep a lookout for the one that seems to be the best amongst all the other people we know; the one that fits our criteria, and our preferences. The one that we would secretly keep a lookout for them without them knowing, because we feel that they are someone we want to keep close to our hearts.

But we forgot that, we have forgot about the last person that we have felt so strongly about.

And we find ourselves falling for someone who seems to fit the pattern of the last person, and we question ourselves... Do we genuinely like this person, or are we just displacing our feelings, from the last...?

Maybe we haven't even realised that we have stopped ourselves from falling in love, again.