Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Make your life a happy one

Well, yesterday wasn't too bad. Although the morning was utterly unbearable, got some peace later on in the day. Dad says that it's a true fact HongKonger employers will always scold you lazy, stupid and/or incompetent, even though you are fast and efficient. I don't see the point in staying on or gritting my teeth. Went down to see the school's director - he offered me an attractive pay package plus healthy lifestyle, how could I refuse that? Anyways that was the job I had so so wanted, previously. A life of academia suits me fine and I could always use the spare time to engage myself in some useful activities, perhaps attending TCA classes or maintaining a tan, etc. Got the forms to apply to MOE and the school, so now all I have to do is to find my certs and get them done. Waiting today for the opportunity to give my termination letter to Manager, haha. She still scold and scold me today even when I ask her minor details which was necessary. I'm not going to stay and be a punching bag. Felt so much like just haughthily throwing the letter onto her desk but it would be so unlike me. I guess she knows too well the reason that I'm leaving. Put the low pay and long hours aside, it's because of her unreasonable and unfair treatment. I'm glad I no longer have to put up with it and I hope that time with dissolve all the unhappiness I've carried these days. It just makes me so tired that I want to isolate myself.

Thank God really for making a way out for me, it's not a choice for me really, more of like a 'no-choice' scenario. I think my advice for those who are gritting and bearing with things should be - that they should get out of it asap. No point in suffering for so long, to let things drag on... Just leave and find a better place, after all there are many better places around. Don't care what people think or say because in the end, it's your life, and make it a happy one.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Miserable days

The last two weeks, work-wise, have been hell. I'm not talking about those minor office politics that seem to herd people into different factors, that would be much better than the ultra toxic environment I'm in now. I never like to talk or think or do work after work hours, so I usually keep my unhappy feelings to myself. But the last straw came last week when Manager blew up at me for really unfair and nonsensical reasons that I found myself crying because of the abuse. Today, again. In fact every day last week it's been like this. The moment I step into the office I am bombarded by the shitload of verbal abuse plus stress on the work itself. I couldn't help but cry helplessly. It's enough to drive one into depression, but I recognize the signs and I'm not going to let myself fall into that state while I can help it.

The silver lining on the cloud is that I received a job offer that I had really really wanted - the scope and the place, and the environment I felt was beneficial. I had forgotten about it as initially I was really happy here. They called last week and I am hopeful that when I meet the Director today he can work something out for me. It's less work and more pay there, but the stability of the position remains questionable.

At least, I know that I can walk away when I feel like it, rather than being stuck in a rut for many years. It's hell being unhappy everyday, that sometimes it's just no point trying to cheer up once you know you are facing unreasonable people and shitty work. I'm just trying to bear through the week. Next week I'll be in Pattaya and I really hope this week passes fast.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

To tell me what matters

Have I said that I've been too much in a daze lately that I actually speak into my life and reality becomes blurry... Just using my brain to calculate some measurements and expenses...journeying from one place to another without taking note of the environment...etc...

There's always the need for improvement, especially in my life.
I could use more cash.
I could have more integrity.
I could be a better person. Laugh more. Spend time more wisely. Eat more healthily. Aim for better skin, better hair, better vigor.

But... I like the way I am right now. And I hope people do, too.

I was just thinking/daydreaming during work that it's so difficult to find someone you like. Love. Able to live with, for a long time; ie marriage. There are so many idiosyncrasies in all of us. And there are so many things I can't tolerate. Like bad breath. Poor hygiene. Sarcastic, berating behavior. Not only in my better half but even in- say, acquaintances, these are definitely no-nos.

And is he able to live with my carefree attitude? My need for space, to hang with male species, my habit of throwing everything onto the floor and leaving it till it grows to cover the entire floor space of my room? My appearance, some of my act cute clothes, my bad attitudes...

It's just so difficult for me, mentally, to adjust to life with someone else in the picture that sometimes I just want to give up. No, I don't WANT to give up - it's not an active thing, but a passive one. Like, LOVE is an active emotion. You can love a person with a lot of intensity. But you can't hate someone (not for me, at least) with the same intensity - think about the person with hate everyday, every sentence you speak is about hating that person... no, this isn't possible. But sometimes I'm tired to love passionately. To want something so much till it hurts. And it's not because I'm not deeply in love - perhaps I'm still very guarded in certain aspects of myself even though I know on my part, I am being as sincere as I possibly can.

I'm glad when I know I'm not strong enough, Izac's there to tell me what matters.
And sometimes, that's all it takes to make things better.

I shouldn't let my negative self eat me up.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Zoo was nice

The Zoo was nice- it's fun to revisit places that I've not been to in a while. Always never did manage to finish seeing all the animals in a single trip though. It was so funny, the animals were really 'over' friendly... we were walking down the pavement and then suddenly a big bird, crane-like creature, decided to walk out and on the road, much to the amusement of the small children who followed it. Then there was the golden tamarind waiting for us to look at it... the mouse deer that crossed our paths; and the pretending-to-be-a statue loris who cocked its head, closed one eye and stuck out its tongue. Hilarious. Can't say I have any favorite animals, though I like looking at the primates - the hamadryas baboons were cute, and I like wild cats too, especially the leopard and tigers. There were new enclosures since I last visited some 3 years ago...And the Ben and Jerry's made a sweet end to the trip.

Seem to be in a wandering daze these days... not really thinking about much stuff, just floating aruond and doing things but not actively having any passion for it. Perhaps I'm too afraid that my feelings are volatile that I instinctively clamp down on them and pretend they do not exist. I need to talk to someone, more than ever. But maybe when the time comes I have nothing to say. After all, words do not matter, or do they? I'm an extreme case - either I feel loads , or feel nothing at all. I prefer the latter, but it's disgusting, almost like a robot, artifically engineered, is that what we're making ourselves out to be...?

Monday, May 23, 2005

Pieces of Me

He slammed the door. It was the first time he had done that.

He stared at the ground. The people below seemed so small, so insignificant. Tears blurred his vision but he wiped them off with the corner of his sleeve. He didn’t know why he felt sad all of a sudden.

Julia’s last words to him were – he couldn’t remember exactly. He was angry at her before she left. Angry at himself for not coming to terms with his own feelings, how loved her and hope there was a place for him in her heart, too. But he knew it would scare her away – perhaps even further from him. She was always in his thoughts and for a while he waited for her to come back. But now he knew she never would. And maybe it was best that he couldn’t remember their parting words. So that he wouldn’t have anything to hold on to. No memories, just fragments of her scent, her touch that lay on his soul, piercing him gently.

He once awoke to the sound of quiet sobbing, and then realised it was a dream. Only that it was not really a dream. The next day, his eyes were both red and puffy, like he had cried the whole night.

He remembered that it was a May wedding. May was a good time to have a wedding. After the examination period, just before the holidays so people were still in town. He was invited. He did not have to turn up, but he did. He sat at the middle row, making himself inconspicuous amongst the sea of well-wishers. Julia was always popular. No one knew her radiance was helped by a bit of botox and plastic surgery. No one did have to know. But he knew. He remembered every curve of her face, every contour. In his mind he could run his fingers over them and just feel comforted.

He saw an accident Friday night. Two cars, hit by a construction truck. For one dreadful moment he thought it was Julia’s car. And that she was gone. But it was not, and he heaved a sigh of relief. Then he thought to himself. It’s still the same, whether she is dead or not. He realized that he had already mourned her demise for years.

He went on to university and graduated top of the class. Not because he was natuarally intelligent, but he knew she would be proud. One day as a teacher’s assistant in the university, he saw her. He thought he saw her. Julia. But it was only someone that looked like her. Curious, he started a conversation shyly and realized they had much in common. His past hurt was replaced by a new love that was blossoming inside.

Before long, they were sleeping with each other almost every other night. He wished he did not have to wake up, fearful that one day she would be gone, just like Julia. But she was always there for him, and he loved to rock her in his arms to sleep, just as he would a little kitten.

He never told him about his broken family, and she never mentioned hers either. Somehow it was just something that they never talked about. He thought that perhaps she also had a difficult childhood. She was alone, like him. He felt no need to tell her about Julia. After all, she wanted out of his life. Leaving him for a guy he had trusted and then making sure he was well-provided for. He never touched the money. He saw no need to – he wanted to live independently.

He knew he had to make a decision. It was not a mistake. It was love- born out of hurt and betrayal and pain, a love so pure that only they both knew was true. Yet, both held eyes of sorrow as they looked at each other for perhaps the last time.

He wanted to tell her that life was unfair, that it wasn’t anyone’s fault, just a sickening coincidence that they both happened to have the same mother. He knew now why Julia had left- she was with child and she had to marry the father of her baby. He was only 5 then. She was 5 years younger than him, but seemed mature beyond her years. She loved her, as well. Julia was kind to her. A mistake made by Mama, and now I am bearing the consequences. He was bitter at the fact that he never knew, never was told of her existence. If only he knew her name.

They decided that to live with the guilt of loving each other would haunt them for the rest of their lives. He still remembered the days he spent in a daze when he saw an old photo of Annelise’s parents who had died years ago. He instantly remembered the face of his mother. Her mother. Their mother. He recoiled at the thought that Annelise was his sister. And for days, he could not bring himself to tell her, but eventually, she found out.

He must die. He knew it in his heart. A part of him had died when Julia left. Now, in the footsteps of Julia’s legacy, he must leave Annelise, too. Only the happy memories will remain, and nothing else, he told himself.

He slammed the door. Everything went black.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

My hair is falling out in clumps

Played tennis in the morning - if you could call my swings and hitting balls 'playing' - hee. It was good, I think more of the bonding of my members and other friends through this kind of informal settings. I hope that there will be a day where all of us can just go out together, as friends, without any qualms. Hedge brought the two Ms to let me take a look at them... they seem to be enjoying themselves without me, sob sob. I do miss them although it's only been a day. It's just so enjoyable to put them in my hands and touch their furry little selves. Mum and lil bro's down at the petshop places today, I wonder if they will come home with a furry friend or two; or just a cage. We used to have those safari habitrails, but it's either thrown away or relegated to the dark recesses of my storeroom.

Been having excessive hairloss for the last week or so. At first I told myself I was being paranoid, that the hair would drop more because of a changed diet, or whatever. Or perhaps it was the shampoo - although that might be a far stretch of imagination. So well I didn't really bother about it until I realise that when I brush my hair gently, the hairbrush would be full of hair. And my room's floor seems to be having hundreds and hundreds of hairs! The thing that really freaked me out was when I shampooed my hair yesterday and literally clumps fell out into my fingers. Strands that were all bundled together. I thought I was going bald or having 'alopecia'... It was an underlying worry this week, and it sounds so stupid if you tell anyone, 'cuz my head still looks fine - I have a really full head of hair; but now, actually if you look closely you can see the hairline is more 'sparse'. Told my mum and she was quite secptical until I ran my fingers through my hair and a clump came out and I stuck it under her nose.

However, I think there's nothing to worry about, at least until it gets more serious. Read on a webbie that due to the stress of an illness or surgery, 3 -4 months later there will be significant hairloss. I guess that explains it then. Of course, it might be due to a more serious illness but I shan't scare myself. It's already quite worrying whether the rest of your hair will stay firmly planted on my head, or not.

I am going to the zoo zoo zoo
How about you you you
You can come too too too
I am going to the zoo zoo zoo


Misty's looking/ sniffing at you!

Mitten peeping out

Mitten in its Mummy's hand

Yum! Carrot for brunch!

Sibling in running wheel

Friday, May 20, 2005

Busy Busy Busy but

Kermit's been settled this morning. The auctions seller contacted me, it would be picked up on Monday. =) I'm glad that I can make Pastor C happy, it's so much more fulfilling than just working. Speaking of which, I have to rush things done tonight and perhaps tomorrow and even on Monday! The workflow problem is not caused by me, of course, some frustrations here, but I'd just be a good employee and get it done asap. But I really hope that I can spend some quality time with Hedge - don't want it to become something like we only see each other once a week and that's during church...so really not counted... He's been soppily nice to me lately, I'm wondering whether he did something wrong or because of our rendevous on friday night that we've become more bonded. He's been giving me short and sweet phone calls on and off, the last few days... hehe. It's good, then I can just talk nonsense and relieve stress. Really hope that I can finish my werk soon so I'd have time on Saturday to play with him and the babies.

The werk schedule for me seems busy busy busy...besides opening the new shop, controlling the stock is already one big hassle... plus we have new garments coming in, plus my designs for the storefront, cards, sale posters, etc. I guess I'd badly need a break then by the beginning of june!
Do hope that everything goes on smoothly.

Realised I've been eating chinese food for ... days and days and it really isn't good for my system. Today is detox day. Well I did eat breakfast but lunchie I'm having hamster food... muesli and nuts and grapes. I forgot about tea time snacks and dinner though, and I don't think I will remain full on this diet... Well... there's plenty of food in Chinatown. But not much healthy alternatives though.

Went to 'Viettai', bistro of Viet and Thai food at MS. They have interesting looking stuff! Tried the tomyum soup, it's a healthier and hotter version of the ones I'm used to. Must go and visit the Japanese dessert place, with 'modern' food... I think they should be open next month. It's really interesting 'cuz so many new exciting food places are open at MS. Plus new, exciting shops. Think I will say farewell to my hard earned money, once again. Well I can always sponge off someone who's more than willing; but I am still quite sceptical of his taste in...clothes and accessories, and ladeis' stuff in general. Let's say his taste is...slighly too practical and plain. It's good for maybe purchasing general toiletries or ...produce, but definitely not for fashion. After all, I am only young once, and I do want to dress my age, if not younger. I do have 'old' taste though, I fancy retro and 2nd hand stuff. I'm so glad crochet is in this season. Besides being white, I just love the texture of it. Already have one crochet white tank... hehe!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Where are you, kermit?

I've never been gladder that mine is a mobile job - I'm empowered to go 'downstairs' for a waffle or a hashbrown or some pappa roti, whatever takes my fancy, except that I'm usually not that hungry. Hehe. Shopping on the job(also known as 'market research') has the bad side effects of emptying my purse as well - I've seen so many nice clothes and lifestyle products in the last month that I've always wanted but never knew where to get. Well, now I know. Friends benefit too- will get little trinkets or clothes for them as well 'cuz I feel so guilty buying them for myself, especially when I don't really treasure them...Have this rule that I shan't buy any new clothes unless I've 'finished' wearing the ones I bought earlier. So far, two more tops to go - one from Debbie's wardrobe, and one from Manager, it doesn't fit her. And one skirt that's too sexy to be worn to church, and too flimsy to be worn in cold office... So I'm waiting for a wedding tea reception to show off my thighs. And some tops I've only worn once or twice. So no buying tops till maybe two months later. Hehe. This rule doesn't apply when I'm overseas though!! Thailand, here I come, 2 more weeks to go...Found Thomas' shop yesterday... He was in a bad mood so didn't really talk to me. His partner is really nice though. I bought a pewter keyring with 2 bling-blings from them...unfortunately at retail price... which to me is still quite a steal. Like it a lot... they have other nice items too, but they bring in such varied stuff ranging from teenage barang to more upmarket stuff... If I open a shop one day it will retail apparel and lifestyle products, I think that would be a really good combi and I give myself 2-3 years for this job. Who knows, I might leave even sooner!

And then call myself 'Director'.

And then lots of credit card companies will somehow manage to get access to my hotline. Always wondered how they headhunt potential clients.


I was there helping Pastor C. to look for kermit. The frog. From the muppets. She can't look for it herself, she's having a bun in the oven and it will pop out next month. Preggers. Whoo! I never realised looking for kermit was so... tedious. But to a professional shopper like me, it's a piece of cake. (But next time I will place a 20% service charge...nahhhh.) Firstly, combing through the toyshops - Taka. Metro. OG... all sell boring toys. She already told me Toys R'Us do not have kermit. Who has kermit? Kermit was discontinued for a long time...since 1975 I'm told... Almost wanted to give up! Where are you, kermit? And I'm surely not going to the FarEast toyshops, definitely they'll jack up the price and I don't think she will pay that high for a plushie.

Well... found those retro toyshops(woah has ET, Ultraman, DonkeyKong, CareBears...) and demanded kermit. Uncle Joe's the owner. Said he has, in warehouse. Would look for it for me. Ta-dah! Plus I can 'byo' Thomas, everytime I hit that place. That kermit is really cute. Looks exactly like the TV version of him, with the long green spindly legs. That Thomas... I think he's shy and boyish looking although should be 10years (or more?) older than me...but really looks young leh...His skin is squeaky clean and glowing. Next time must ask him what brand of skincare he uses...Don't like his voice though, it's low and uncle-like...Lasttime he was so popular...wonder which of my friends still idolize him, I go and make them jealous, hahaha. It's good to have other agendas while on 'market research', I'm getting bored of the upmarket fashions in Singapore. More interesting, less gu niang clothes would be appreciated by me! What's the point for branded stuff if it's not unique... Plus the fact that I know they earn up to 10times!!! the price... Like a sheer cotton top. Cost $10 to make(Of course in huge quantities). The paperbag. Cost$1 at most. You pay: $129.90. For the aircon. Smarmy retail associates who think they are so high-class just 'cuz they work in a branded boutique. The A&P. The models' fees also come from you. Frankly, if my income bracket is higher I'd still buy cheap clothes and mix and match. Don't see any sense in paying hundreds for a top. Maybe jeans that last for years, or leather bag... but not a normal cotton sleeveless top. Even if I have the money, I'd still spend wisely. (After all I can carry cheap cheap tops and still look passably nice!) It's just not worth it.

So after 2 days... I've found Kermit. My company's shop is still renovating. Hope I'd still have time for myself and my two dearies after its' done.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


Had a little scare in the morning when I realised the whole drinking water bottle was emptied into the babies' mobile home. Took a ride on the steed and it must have been the speed and jerking movements that made it spill into the sawdust. The whole hamster house was wet, even all areas of the sawdust. Manager suggested that I mircowave the sawdust(and the babies' too!) ...Which I did... only the sawdust... scooping it all out and putting it on defrost. We never used the microwave anyways. Felt quite upset so I went for a walk(yes during office hours) and bought them some cotton balls at CK for $1.50, and some assorted nuts. Apparently they are happy with the cotton balls, and burrow into it... sleeping in the soft cotton now.

I think I shall stop buying hamster stuff or I will go broke soon. Bought 3 carrots and tomatoes yesterday. Shall let the Daddy do the maintainence. But like neopets, I want to provide them with interesting and healthy food, nice furniture, high-class bedding... chanced upon this webbie, http://hamsterical.darn-tootin.com/ it's really interesting...facts about hamsters, and updated photos...its funny too.

Passed Debbie hers yesterday, it's Misty and Mittens' sibling... apparently male so far. She was so excited... named it Yogurt after some name-pondering. The pet supply shop would have some syrian breeds in a weeks' time, maybe I shall get one for my brother to rough-handle, so that he won't disturb my two babies. They're supposed to be a pearl white breed, which doesn't explain why Mitten is black. Perhaps it's a 'recessive' gene... wonder if it will produce white or black litters then.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Misty and Mitten - the newborns

Not yet married.
Never pregnant.
Yet already a mother of two.

Two hamsters that is. Both one week old, one white with a streak of gray running down its back. The other, black. Hedgehog and me had a surprise delivery yesterday and found ourselves proud parents of the week-old babies. Does that confirm our status? Well, not quite. Hehe. We've named them Misty and Mitten, apt generic names for our babies that have yet-to-confirm- their gender. Misty is white, hence the name. Mitten... bites. They're currently residing in Rachel's residences, a chrome yellow-and-white mobile home with shutters, drinking facilities and supply of vegetables from Mum's kitchen. No urinary system installed yet. They will be shuttling weekly between Hedge's place and mine... For now, in the mobile home for both of us have no inclination yet to settle on a bigger pad. Cute as they are, they already attract lots of attention, mostly from young children and aunties whenever they travel with style. =)

Initially was not very keen on bringing up hamsters; when Hedge suggested it to me, months ago. Always had hamsters in the house but it was never mine per se... usually Mum had to do the dirty work, haha. Well now apart from the 4 fighting fish, dozen/s of crickets, one cat and an occassional mynah who visits the bowl of cat food in the morning, we have 2 hamsters. My house is turning into a pet safari. Had fun yesterday going down to ChompChomp... chomping down the food was fun, too... I always did prefer hawker food to foodcourt or others, the taste is unbeatable. I think the hokkien mee, carrot cake and taiwan icee is still in my system. Tummy's getting bigger, argh! Gym, anyone?

Meanwhile, the cute babies will keep me busy this week. I prayed for a long life (lifespan about 2 years yea) and a happy healthy one. Almost like having kides of my own.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Need a hug...

In blissfulness (if there is such a word) knowing moments are short, time is precious, and lingering imaginations of what things can be at another time, or another place; I am finding more and more of myself. Being detached from it all these years, find slowly back to the way I was. To find fulfilment without the background feelings of anxiety. To be content. Like the way the wind lulls waves to the shore and then back again in the balmy summers, I too long for a place where only I know. With someone so familiar that I do not hesitate to say anything or do anything.

For real, my multifaceted identity shall be uncovered.

I need a hug. It's been too long.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Only God can intervene

Even when there's nothing to do, there's something to do.

At least for me, I'm not the type that can just sit down, comfy in the nice red office chair with super arched back support and do nothing. When my manager's real busy, I really wish that I can help her. Show my investment value. At least soothe the workload. I realise how 'inadept' I am in the corporate environment despite collecting experiences that fills up my CV to an entire page. Since I was 14, I've been a telemarketeer, a financial consultant, admin. executive twice, dresser - many times, visual merchandiser, sales person for charity goods, freelance designer, writer... yea and now I'm a Fashion Co-ordinator. I co-ordinate the hangers, the garment bags, the mannequins, and most importantly, the clothes themselves, ensuring each are properly behaved and they do their job well, presenting the best image of our label to the customer.

The work never ends but then again it's not that taxing on my lazy brain... and I get loads of free time to observe shoppers, window-shop, and basically do my own designing and surfing.

Really looking forward to the church camp, in less than a month's time I'd be in Thailand. I was happy that I got my leave, in actuality, contract-wise, I'm not entitled to leave, not at least in the first 6 months. But I have a really wise and nice manager - been learning stuff from her daily. How to be a good manager too, if one day I should have subordinates. Amazingly, she shared that one day, she knows, in her heart, that she would 'convert' - to a religion, either the Western one or the Eastern one. Sensed she was really open so I encouraged her and shared a little bit why I'm still in church. She's so much wiser than the people I know still struggling to come to terms with what they feel inside about God, or those who try to escape from Him. Been thinking about those who have 'gone'... the strange thing is that once the person backslides, the friendship goes down the drain as well. Or leaves the church for another one, for that matter. In a sense, I'm glad I'm still in contact with Mr BestFriend, he is my window to those I once were close with. Remembering the many happy times together in those growing up years are the memories that I've cherished up to today. And Mr BestFriend has an 'elephant' memory - he remembers everything, even the little little things. He teased me about once having a crush on Gerro, and saying some little mushy thing that sounded so stupid now, and I was so embarassed that I ran around chasing him - and he didn't stop saying it, he's neurotic in this way. Too bad I can't remember all the disgusting things he said about his crushes too, I'd would have dragged it out and embarrass him back. It's good he is around for me, I always look forward to his updates on those I once was close with. Maybe if things have not changed we'd still be the same, but perhaps, I would have changed. Perhaps, this is the way it was meant to be.

Maybe I'm strange this way but I have flashbacks, especially in this period, about friends who have 'gone'. I wonder about them, what happened to them in the past few years or so; are they still leading a 'clean' life with moral principles somehow found in the Bible, or do they totally turn their back on what is good, and become a totally changed person? What do I think? Frankly, I would like to envisage them as good, moral individuals with nice attitudes, still being the same nice people they are, and knowing that they will come back to God one day. The church is always open, and there isn't anyone except themselves that will condemn them for coming back. I miss the happy times we used to share, praying and learning together. If by any chance there is the conviction in their hearts, I sincerely hope that they do not go for what is temporal, but use their time, and thoughts wisely. Miss Keny, Vic, Giffy, Ailin... Miss the part where we're supposed to grow up together and spend happy times without the prospect of leading a purposeless life coming to the picture. If only people remained convicted. But oftentimes thay fail us, themselves, and God. No amount of nagging, berating, or pleading will convince them once they have chosen the darker side. I guess only God can intervene.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

My Dearest Friends...

I thought about the things I think about, and I realised that these were not 'important' things like 'career', 'money', 'politics', etc... but rather, stuff that matters to my heart - people, places, music... Remembering with fondness how I miss certain places or certain people though I am sure that they no longer hold a place in my heart, but just the memory of them brings nolstagic nuances that reminds you of perhaps a place in time where, feeling low, you turned to that person for encouragement; or perhaps the place is where you longed for , a place of respite, or one where you can just be yourself, by yourself. I haven't wrote in my journal for 3 weeks or longer now, it's just a space in time where the empty pages speak louder than the scribbled words. Am I always faithful to my memory and thoughts, writing down everything as I comprehended it to be? Not quite. Not even on blogging, although I blog mainly for myself, I cannot blatantly put down others' misdeeds or my opinions' of them, lest it may influence others to think likewise. And perhaps, once these thoughts became reality in words, I, too, may influence myself to have this perspective of the person and this perspective alone.

It's wonderful to be in love. It's wonderful to have feelings for people, even feelings or loneliness or missing someone just because they are on another continent and not coming back anytime soon. Perhaps my feelings for these can be 'grouped' together into an overarching sentiment of all the people that I've missed, who are overseas, or just in Singapore but no longer 'around' - separated for reasons unknown. Flashbacks of the time, love, and effort I spent last year over new friendships, that now, barely a year later, are almost forgotten or relegated to the empty box in the furtherest corridor of the brain's memory. Perhaps a part of my heart breaks each time I see how these could-be meaningful friendships collapse within such a short span of time. Or I'm tired - I just give up at investing my life in other people, but just 'wait and see' , hoping something good will happen. Or rather, I already have best friends and some people I'm sure I can garner support from any time, and it's just not worth the effort to go and look for someone new. Sometimes I lack the initiative to ask people out or return phone calls just because I think I'm too tired or they are not worth my effort.

I'm wary now of those that hanker after my time, knowing that they are unreliable and may hypersensitively turn on me, or only use me for my abilities and don't have a positive contribution to my life. People, who are ungenerous of their own resources, yet at the slightest thing ask for help from others. They smile so sweetly all the time that I'm tempted to do the favor, but after, a tad drained, I have to replenish my energy from other sources, and tell myself, 'never again'. Then one day, they will just disappear from your life, stop contacting you or perhaps they have found another, more willing, to be unwittingly made use of. Pity those who are like this. Pity more, those who fall in love with people like this.

I'm glad that through my tarried life I've found gems that I can keep always. Like Mr BestFriend, Anel, Izac, ChowChow, Ches... They might never know how much I love them, even willing to contribute all my resources to them in any difficulty. I remember how I confided to Anel after a bad relationship and a misguided one. She just said that I could count on her for support... ... And sometimes, that's enough. I remember how every weekend Mr BestFriend and I would take long Sunday afternoon walks through our estate, even though it would take him about an hour from my place to his, he never complained. I loved those times when we would just talk, both in slacker mode after a long week's study. ChowChow was always encouraging through the crushes we shared and our ruminations about expectations and what God held in store for us.

It's only in introspection that we begin to remember, and relearn certain principles that we were taught since young - the beauty and importance of friendships.

Sadly in fast-paced Singapore, we no longer have the chance to spend days, not even hours, with the ones we cherish. The usual 'date' for couples would be to catch a movie - those funny romance light hearted types; and then after, hang out at some park or a coffee place, or window shopping around town, then head home. Everybody's schedules be it work or school, clash, and group outings of favored friends, become few - class reunions, once a year, and even so, many absent faces. Work is my priority, as I have to earn an income, but people are also my priority too. They are the ones to cheer you up, they are the ones who know you, really know you, and the ones I turn to for relationship advice, or planning my finances.

I hope that my regret would not be that 'I wished I had spent more time with XXx'...

But really to savor, and treasure every moment spent.

Yes, by now I'm sure it is evident that I'm a quality time person.

But I was not, and for the last 3 years my friendships were in neglect and I'm tremendously grateful though, that they can be restored. Renewed. Rejuvenated. Thanks for waiting, for me to be mature, to know things as they are now.

I promised myself that I would not neglect them again, even being attached again, they are also a priority.

And so it won't, I hope. Here goes!

Monday, May 09, 2005

The body in the well

After church on saturday went for icecream at this place called ICE3, interesting concept with nice sofas. Had a peanut butter and apple cinnnamon one, thought it was superb. Before that went to my favorite beanbag enclave, they had a new menu and me and Hedgehog just slacked there... he likes lasagna too. Gave me an allium, and the guys were fascinated by it afterwards - I'm still traumatised at the sight of Frankie fingering it and swinging it around.

I'm really impacted and moved by the sharing of life experiences... somehow. Ganesh really opened up to us in the few precious months we have left together before he leaves for 5 years... He's so much like Ches in the way he thinks and speaks, in a way I'm doubly sad for it seems that these kind of people that I need in my life seems to always leave. Known Ganesh for only 3 months, before he goes, sort of the same scenario with Ches, Markos, ... but at least I know he's coming back. Well, 5 years later. So we were talking about new movies and strange occurrences and Ganesh told us about how God protected him and his family, in a sharing that could be scripted straight into a movie of the spooktacular genre, just that it was true. He lived in India with his family and more then 10 years ago they still used deep wells, every family had one. Their house was quite big and they had tenants, too. To their horror, once they discovered that someone had died- drowned in their well; and they had drank the water for about a week without realising it. He said he was really scared as one of their puppies that was really healthy suddenly died a painful and horrible death (due to the water-poisoning), but his family was not unwell at all. The person who died was a tenant, a drunk who was always loitering around, smoking... And when he went missing for a week, people thought he had gone off gallivanting again. It was only when Ganesh's bro went to collect water, he realised he hit something and it was the body. Ganesh said that when they pulled it out, even 10 feet away the stench hits you, right to your stomach and immediately you want to purge. This gruesome tale is one of the ways how he is thankful to God that God has protected them... I think we were listening in real interest and slightly amazed, how different cultures are and how much we share in this faith. He shared too that there were many demon manifestations due to the many gods in India, and the things he saw happening to people, which makes me grateful I'm here, now...

I guess some life experiences, I can never experience or fully understand what the other person has been through and felt. But for what it's worth, I would like to share them, to be encouraged, or to be the one to encourage. In life's difficult moments, people are strengthened through the mutual understanding and comfort of listening. So, don't keep things inside... talk to me?

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

In gleeful gratitude

Not the soppy type, now, but I've got so many things to be thankful for in my work... I shall try listing it down here, at least the ones that are most evident.

1. Only 15 mins on the NEL (The 15 mins costs me $1.30 though)
2. Great food at Hong Lim!
3. Great food at Smith St!
4. Cheap stuff at CK!
5. Interesting snacks and peanut candy at First Emporium!
6. Many moneychangers around(Eh... the convienience of it)
7. Many foot reflexologists! (I lyk!)
8. Actually a shop for everything in my building...
9. Pappa rotti in my building!
10. Chowchow werks 3 buildings away!
11. Buses to orchard, bugis, just outside the building
12. I can surf the net...
13...use msn...
14... use the phone...
15. I'm left alone, unsupervised
16. ...

Well... currently that's foremost to be thankful about. I'm still having sweet soppy feelings since yesterday - aye! Tad drained now, especially my eyes. Guess they lighted up too much yesterday... Plans to go home and sleep and do some serious shopping tomorrow.

Sunday, May 01, 2005



The serenity in borderland sends Sara into reverie-
Of newfound love beyond the bend, the wondrous roaming upon faraway lands
Transfixed, both were, by the intensity of a glance:
For a moment then, and hence thereafter
Love struck them, both him, and her.
Fresh, rosy apples plucked in Summer's breeze
With grassy smells and bushy trees
In spirit lulled with invisible joy
They traipsed, they leapt
Thro' the blissful glen
Of woody green
Sara loved so deep, and so true-
But she loved another, too.
One not as fun, nor as fair:
This marked the beginning of her despair.
Her beauteous eyes spied in dismay
Dark clouds that marred her happy days
In merry vale her love held true,
In borderland- she wished she knew.
Despite her joy and smiles untold
She wished one moment just to behold
The other's arms woven beneath her thighs,
The warmth and sparkle in the other's eyes
Knew then, as now, she had to choose
Sara wished - And so the tale goes;
She found herself without him or the other
Just happy by herself, over the border
From the faraway vale to the borderland
Her story was told, to those in love
Choose wisely now, lest you regret
A life of love, it may be sad
Happy dreams lie in reverie
Perhaps for you, more so for me.