Monday, October 31, 2005

Does prayer change God?

Deep thoughts from me, again...

Today, received an sms saying:

"Pls pray for Pastor Ferdie Flores, missionary in East Timor. He is going to be executed tomorrow by beating. Pls forward to all Christians."

And then another, same sms from my cell member. And another, from Dad. I did pray. Im happy that I did. This evening, received an sms stating:

"Dr Kee, just received good news that rebels had released Pastor Flores. Thanks for your prayers and praise God - Rodney."

We have to believe that our prayers are significant.

Too many times, people have shared with me their situations and needs, yet I fail to keep them in prayer. Sadly, I'm at fault, of just reading people's emails about the things they are going through, yet failing to pray for them - which is the very least I can do to show I care.

Being close to people and knowing their needs earns us the right to keep them in prayer.

I always remember this one thing that Pastor Wilson said: "If you want to be close to the person (you like), pray for him/her." In context, it means that praying is one way of keeping the person close to our hearts, as we pray from our hearts.

But, if it is NOT God's will, then praying for a specific agenda to take place, is futile, isn't it? Are we not going against the purpose and plan He has for us?

Does prayer change God?

Do I really believe that my prayer makes a difference in what is going to take place? In my future endeavors? In all areas, that I should be prayerful and anticipate glorious things?

And why pray? Since God already knows my needs, we do not need to tell Him countless times what is on our mind... ...

Philip Yancey in his new book (2006) states that :

What we conclude about this issue may well determine how we view the utility—or futility—of prayer.
Origen was the first Christian writer known to mull over the paradox of praying to a God who does not change: "First, if God foreknows what will come to be and if it must happen, then prayer is in vain. Second, if everything happens according to God's will and if what He wills is fixed and no one of the things He wills can be changed, then prayer is in vain." Origen came down on the side of a changeless God, concluding that God from the "foundations of the world" could see in advance all that a person would freely choose, including the contents of their prayers.

Many philosophers followed along the same track, one laid down by Aristotle's notion of God as the "First Unmoved Mover." Immanuel Kant, for example, called it "an absurd and presumptuous delusion" to think that one person's prayer might deflect God from the plan of his wisdom.

And later, he states that :

Karl Barth, the 20th-century theologian who pounded home the theme of God's sovereignty, saw no contradiction at all in a God who chooses to let prayers affect him. "He is not deaf, he listens; more than that, he acts. He does not act in the same way whether we pray or not. Prayer exerts an influence upon God's action, even upon his existence. That is what the word 'answer' means." Barth continues, "The fact that God yields to man's petitions, changing his intentions in response to man's prayer, is not a sign of weakness. He himself, in the glory of his majesty and power, has so willed it."

Simple Faith.

It's as simple as asking, believing and receiving. (Pastor Dominic Yeo in Power Weekend 10/05)

Ask for and about it. Believe him. Receive it!

Simple Faith.

Does such a thing truly exist in such a complicated world, in a world where we need to discover more and more truths to muddle up our facts, where history is written everyday in new scientific breakthroughs, yet new diseases ravage the world and new cures cannot be formulated as fast...

I sure hope so. Today, I believed my prayers made a difference in the life and death of a person. More than anything, I believe God's power behind the prayer. Perhaps I do have this simple faith after all. Despite my complicated life.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

One key to my heart

Writing is the key to my heart.

It soothes me, allows me to think through my fleeting feelings, gives me a sense of peace as I journal my prayer needs, write down my schedule, plan out my meetings and communications. Writing down my reflections helps me to remember my Creator and my identity.

Reveals different parts of my nature as I write notes, letters, poems, songs.


And in the spaces of time, gaps where I felt alone, and friendless, I found that Sheepy was always there for me. Being quiet and rather shy, he would not let me know that he is looking out for me, or that he notices my sadness, notices everything, things which I did not even notice myself. And in his own serene way he would comfort me, in the only way he ever knew. Why am I special, that he would look out for me? Perhaps that nature of watching and guiding people is inherent in him. Perhaps God sent him, a guardian angel to light my path, a father figure to those not very much younger than him. Sheepy is always there at the right time. I feel bad that always in times of anguish I turn to him, but who else can I turn to? Whose advice can I depend on? Being there for me is a thankless job... ... one that requires high giftings too! I am very touched by his little kindly deeds, and I love him so; although never in a romantic sense would it be, for me. Dear, dear Sheepy. I'm glad God made him this way, so sheep-like, gentle-voiced and unruffled manner. Someone I could never be like. Perhaps our differences are exasperating, but ultimately, it brings us together in a way that other people cannot really understand. I shall stop complaining about our differences because I always forget the times where he's there, low-key, but there, for me. And being someone I can count on for the bad times of my life is enough for me to open my heart to.

Friday, October 28, 2005

For the good things

“Fear is never a reason to quit – it is only an excuse. The brave admit their fear and proceed anyway.” –Rev Larry Hodge.

Thank God for nice people.

For the cute colleague who always notices me and tries to give encouragement by smiling at me from a distance and telling me not to stare into space when I'm feeling down. In Chinese.

For forty-something uncles who like to tell me what happened in Singapore before I was born.

For friends of a celebrity I know(I know the friends, not the celeb) who tell me it's not easy to be friends of celebrities especially one as nice as him.

For meeting nice sincere people on the street who are willing to spend an hour with me in person.

For the impact of godly christians who are not afraid to tell everyone to depend on the strength of God.

For knowing positive people who tell me to look beyond the obvious, knowing God is in control.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The journey, the ship, the people I choose to take.

I often forget the friends that are 'still here' but, now no longer sharing these moments with me, I 'forget' them. It's a funny entanglement - should I still choose to continue talking about them as though they've not gone, it would be weird for my current folks, who would only know 'them' through my words. And if I keep bringing them up, it would seem that I am living in the past 'good old days' too. But we all need memories to survive, and we all need people.

I guess for me, 'location' is very important when it comes to making and keeping friends, Often, the ones I share to the most are those who happen to take the same bus home with me, thus, through no fault of their own, becoming my favored bus buddy, one that I would look out for. Before Shiner, there was Gorilla, now residing in the States. Before Gorilla, came Giffy, Kie, and a host of unsuspecting neighbors...whether they live in Town A, Street S or Road H, as long as there was a straight bus back home for both of us...Way back before college I always had MrBestFriend and Ange, to chirp away to, on the journey.

The mind is a strange thing - it remembers things you don't remember remembering, certain things more strongly than others, for reasons unknown to yourself. Certain people, leaving a stronger impression on me, despite their entire presence not being prolific at all, the times I spent with them. And others', though I was sure that they were strong personalities, impactful and insistent; now barely a few months' down the road, I can hardly remember what they were like.

And in remembering ourselves, these people form a part of our lives, too. True, we cannot 'choose' the people who come into our lives, uninvited. Perhaps we were formally introduced, and then realising we share similar interests or intellectual pursuits, hope on to the same ship. This guy, I've known him in church for two years' plus, but we never spoke to each other, except a simple 'hi' and 'bye'. We never had the chance of serving together in the same committee, nor exchanging deep thoughts. Our paths never met...until it was almost time for him to leave. I got to know him better in the last 2 months we had, realising that we had similar thinkings, shared experiences, made a point to meet up to share about the 'Purpose Driven Life' book we were reading. If only I had known earlier... aboard the same ship, but this time knowing the journey almost certainly ends, because of us being in different locations. Some famous person once said, "Five years down the road, we are still the same person, save for the books we read, and the people we met."

I'm sure that none of us makes friends with the people we met with the intention of changing our mindsets; or we, too, when making friends, don't have this intention of changing the other person. But, recently, with the many new friends I've made both in church and workplace, they have greatly enriched my life. I've learnt nuggets of treasures from them, shared precious memories, and happy long conversations. Taking this ship, I do not know where or when the journey would end, but as long as it is humanly possible I would do all things in my control to preserve the ship. To keep it sailing, to treasure the sights seen and the ravages of the weathers blowing against us. I would not want these ships to sail away without me realising, or even worse, to drift off slowly, and I do not even realise that I have lost the ship until sometime later.

What ship?

Friendship, of course....

(Thought some of my ships would appreciate my corny-ness.)

=) To my ships (friends, lar): Sail well, keep your masts high and your tail above water. The journey ahead may have choppy seas or stormy weather, but know that it will pass soon. Let's have a beautiful voyage, together...

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Continuing to love Jesus forever

Ku mau cinta Yesus selamanya... Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku... Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya. Ya Abba Bapa ini aku anakMu Layakanlah seluruh hidupku Ya Abba Bapa Ini aku anakMu Pakailah sesuai dengan rencanaMu.


I want to love Jesus forever, Despite the stormy turns in my life...

I continue to love Jesus forever.

Yes, Abba Father, here I am, your child,

As I would, all my life...

Yes, Abba Father, here I am, your child.

According to the plans You have for me.

Despite having a lousy grasp of Indon when I first heard this song, the lyrics ministered to me. So much. God-speak transcends all language and cultural barriers.

Am encouraged by a lady who chaired the Monday morning meeting. She spoke about mindsets in the job scope... and ended up with, "Just do your best, God will do the rest." My co. is an MnC with over 50 people attending the meeting, to stand in front of that huge a crowd and say something godly, with conviction...I really admire her as well as the top people who makes a stand. I, too, will give the glory to God for all the favor, for all the successes when I've made it.

Translation made possible by Toggletext Kataku. Unable to locate songwriter credits of the song at this point in time.

Monday, October 24, 2005

when i'm free shall make the whole cell...

A turnaround

Not one to often push the blame on others but myself, I am wondering lately why I seem to be angsty about the things I should be nonchalant about, and nonchalant about the things I care about deeply. In different situations that I cannot take control of, nor have wish to, the human nature inherent in me tends to stick out, and I begin to blame the environment, the situation, people, places, things, feelings... etc. Small gripes dazzle me for ages, constantly being in deep thought develops me intrapersonally but does little for me productively. I am tired, physically and meta-physically. Need to rest, need long walks with a companion happy to walk in silenceful thoughts, over lush green valleys and soft leafy trees. Yet, the 'shadow of despair' is leaving me. Slowly, I am regaining myself. Slowly I am learning how to be a better person.

Why We Flee Silence
Unfortunately, in seeing ourselves as we truly are, not all that we see is beautiful and attractive. This is undoubtedly part of the reason we flee silence. We do not want to be confronted with our hypocrisy, our phoniness. We see how false and fragile is the false self we project. We have to go through this painful experience to come to our true self. It is a harrowing journey, a death to self—the false self—and no one wants to die. But it is the only path to life, to freedom, to peace, to true love. And it begins with silence. We cannot give ourselves in love if we do not know and possess ourselves. This is the great value of silence. It is the pathway to all we truly want.

-M. Basil Pennington

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Type A

Who I'm going to be, who I want to be, who I choose to be.

Type A people are always on the move.
Type A people have a strong sense of urgency.
Type A people often sit at the edge of their seats, literally.
Type A people check their watches more frequently.
Type A people are often obsessed with their work.
Type A people are extremely competitive.
Type A people want to get things done and they will do almost anything to accomplish their goals.
Type A people tend to become aggressive, impatient, and irritable are anyone or anything that interferes with their work.
Type A people are more likely to get heart disease.
Once they have the disease, they are more likely to diligently follow their doctors' orders. Therefore, they are also more likely to recover from the disease.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Not really. No. Sometimes. Not sure about that yet... ...

Thought about Pastor B's message about Rest and thought I might have 'symptoms' similar to his. Well, I took the online test... thinking that I was quite definitely Type A.

To my surprise...

The results: 67/100

You seem to be in the middle between the Type A and Type B personality. In this case, the middle ground is good. Your attitude to life is more of the "smell the roses" kind and you know how and when to relax. Nonetheless, you realize that picking up a challenge and competing a little bit for your place in the sun can add some spice to your life. The equilibrium is important, so don't let your hostile, aggressive, and competitive alter ego take over too often. Generally, you are easy to be around, and people tend to feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence. Yours is a very healthy attitude towards life.


Saturday, October 22, 2005

Love is not a modulus sign

Love this analogy. Would appeal to rationalists. Can't write better. =)

how will you measure love when it comes to town? you might like to weigh it up with coffee spoons, drinking each mouthful like water, like medicine, a spoonful of sugar. you might like to sit in a corner and mark the daylight that streams in through the window, mark how the sun moves across his face, his eyes. love is not a victory march. you cannot measure it by the number of flags won, you cannot measure it by the number of hearts lost. it cannot be measured by the decibels of sound, the number of chess moves made, the number of times peace has been made. love is not a war. it cannot be fought or won or lost. love is not a science experiment: there can be no trial runs and its hypotheses can never be tested. love is not a graph you can extrapolate forever from. love is not a maths question. there are neither correct nor wrong answers and it cannot be solved in three steps. there is no way to prove it and you cannot verify that one person will always satisfy the equation. there is no equation when 1 + 1 never equals 2.

but love is a great mathematician. love marks the area of a boy walking down clarke quay with you; the volume of his love is the amount of space he takes up. love is in the length of his fingers and the number of seconds his eyes take to trail down your legs. love knows the number of heartbeats you take when he walks past, love watches as your brain slows down and the rest of you goes into overdrive. love alone knows the length of the shadow he casts on your face while you sleep, love sees the width of that chasm that separates you from him. love remembers the number of steps you take away from him, and love knows that when one person is between two others, the hypotenuse of the triangle must always be root2 and hence an impossibility. love knows that the shortest distance from one person to another is not always a straight line, and that some people walk in circles only to find they have never moved from the same spot. and love knows that if you try to differentiate one from the other -- there is no way you can integrate them back.

-Clarisse Fong

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Just a smile makes a world of difference.

Help me to see the truth, hold me closer.

I wonder why I am always supposed to be the strong one, the one that encourages people. When depressed ones come to me, I am supposed to be cheerful and chirp words of blessings, words of encouragement to them. Yet... I'm lacking in it myself. Perhaps I don't appear weak and sad, perhaps no one bothers or knows what to say. If not for my manager's friendship, and the cute colleague that beamed at me yesterday, I think I would sink into a deeper gloom. When someone smiles at you, you have to smile back, right... At least, I've made the initiative to mobilize my prayer partners, and knowing that someone out there cares that little bit much to pray for me, makes a world of difference.

Trying hard not to focus on my concerns... the world seems unbearable when I do so. So tired, slept for 12 hours... was praying as I drifted in and out of consciousness. Today will be better. =)

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Shiner: After the la-di-da period, what next?

All of us affect the lives of the people around us to some extent, whether we realise it or not.

The kids today were... clingy as usual, Masato pretended to be a rock star whilst Nathaniel kept hugging my knee and Zachary followed me everywhere, tugging at my pants and grabbing my head. Hansel was charmingly naughty as usual but did not pay me as much attention as before. I did miss the kisses - I guess he sensed I was not needing it, haha. Leonard is 'the guy you wanna take home to your mum'...he wasn't clingy like the rest and talked intelligently, and chose to sit beside me and asked me to take out his waterbottle for him... and his protective nature for his sister, the way he sees things it way mature for his age, he's going to be a heart-breaker when he grows up. Reminds me of my SL Leonard too... and Jael, so quiet with the big eyes and button nose, so adorable, the kind of guy I want for my kid. Or mate. Wonder why the girls aren't as attracted to me, I guess I had too many males surrounding me. See, I attract guys of all ages... (-_-) Except those my age, perhaps... Service ended early so we had a pillow fight. It was fun! Just laughing and throwing cushions at each other. I wish we could do that more often! And Zachary was so attached to me that when I saw him later with his parents, he left his mother, (much to her surprise), came and held on to my hands, and asked me if I could go home with him. Awww...

Being with kids, you cannot help but forget yourself, and just have fun, the way you used to, but you forgot you left that part of yourself somewhere you cannot remember.

Tried so hard to keep my Aceh trip from Sheepy, the truth was finally revealed yesterday! I'm so mischievous, just wanted to see his 'shocked look' which is really rare as most of the time he has this serene, peaceful, gentle expression... I thought he knew about it already due to the email that was sent out to the team members which has my obvious email on it, but apparently he did not take note. Yay! Saw me carrying a Indonesian language text, lent by Frankie, and chirped to me...thus realising that I'm going too! At first I had asked him to pray, along with the rest of my prayer mates, for me, regarding an issue, something very important to me, something that I needed to see come to pass. Previously, he was puzzled and asked me what it was pertaining to...relationships? What? I cheekily replied that it was in the category of "personal, general" and left it at that.

I had the pleasure of seeing his 'shocked look' - which was one teamed with a beaming expression, yes, hilarious! well, I'm glad he's glad and I can't wait to blast the concrete into tiny pieces. I'll play and play and play there, it will be so so fun! Throw cement on Shiner! Mudfight! Plus, I'll be toned and tanned when I come back.


Thought about many things today, some I need answered, some just hoping - but the hope subsides with time. Still, inside I know who I am, and more importantly, my identity in Christ. I tend to forget that sometimes, that I can be used in every situation to declare the truth - something I am aware of, but being inward looking, tend to miss the opportunity. When my aim in ministry is to see lives being changed, and I don't see it happening as quickly as it should, I tend to get disheartened, even losing my sense of purpose. Of course, support does matter, immensely. Through this season of soul-searching I know I'm going to be stronger than before. I just need some help to get through it. It's sad when people you love don't understand, and even question your actions and feelings and deem them to be something that they think I don't give much thought to.

I'm puzzled by Shiner's weird reactions lately to my ruminations. Previously when he used to give me encouragement and support in every endeavor, he now holds back, and skeptically asks me questions. Questions that he does not want me to give answers to, but just to reflect on the importance of what is being said; or rather, the nuances behind what I say. Memo says this is because people of his 'type' value words - so much, that they would never say something they did not mean. Well, it doesn't mean that I say things that I don't care about.

Shiner keeps harping about the importance of not neglecting my feelings, which is something important to me, but not that I would like to focus upon it. It's as if our 'la-di-da' period is over, and now we are constantly having minor disagreements. I feel as though I've turned him into someone more critical...And he's turning me into someone that he wants to see things his way. Stubbornly, I can't and I won't... which pains me as all along I though he was someone who tried to understand me... but maybe I was assuming he did, all along.

I won't forget the 'sweet and disgustingly touching thing' he said to me, because I know it's something that I hold on to, the words that gives me strength throughout this season. But when I take his promise as it is, and being as responsible for my thoughts and actions as I am; telling him honestly; being accountable...! He poohs my words and tells me to give some thought. Shiner, I'm already giving too much are not helping...

Friday, October 14, 2005


Tidak merasa cemas.
Jangan menyerah.

So tired. Tired of thinking, seeing, knowing, feeling. Tired of smiling, talking, walking, sighing.
Came home early and slept like the dead for 5 hours... now I'm stiff, and cold. It's as if someone took my vitality away 'while I was gone' and now my body's half alive. I slept on my right arm last night and now it aches like hell.

I guess that if you look for encouragement you will find it. It's funny how people often antagonize each other by assuming things that they don't really know; yet bond together when their hearts are softened by a hurt look or a deep sharing. And in those moments, a closer emotional tie is formed. I lament the superficiality of friendships now, for most people it means having a drnking buddy or just someone to listen to their chatterings, anyone. I'm particular in the friends I choose to share to. Not discriminating amongst those I make friends with, but on a deeper level, there are few who choose to show the resilience and maturity I long for. In my darkest moments, I wish for someone who can be as uninhibited by the norms like I am, that he would just prop me up because I feel that I have no strength, and I would just flop to the floor, that he would give me a nice hug to make me feel warm outside, even though I'm so cold inside. Just for a little while, to feel that I'm snugly tucked in, shielded from the big world and all its vast monstrosities, to hear a soothing voice tell me, sincerely, that he will protect me and make sure no harm will ever come to me... and knowing what I know, I believe him.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Tell me, how to release

Tolong saya untuk tidak mengambil hal begitu serius.
Tolong saya untuk tidak peduli, begitu banyak.

Things are getting bad when despite all the random acts of kindness you've received; the amazing way God has led you to people to encourage you, you still tear when you wake up, at every sad thought, at the bleakness of things. I'm not depressed nor dejected, just disappointed. It's hard to deal. When everything you've known, every little meaningful thing to you, loses its significance - when you don't even smile at the thought of the person you like, when you feel like punching your dearest friend, when your dearest friend cautions you about some unruly behavior and you want to burst into tears; but knowing it would shock him too much and probably he will think it's his fault, you hold it back; but the upset expression shows on your face, way too clear for those who truly know you.

And the reason why I feel so strongly about things is because I care, I think I care too much. For people, for upholding righteousness, about taking initiative, to always speak up for what I believe in.

And suddenly I realise, nobody really understands. When I thought that they should, or cared to. And that adds fuel to my sadness. And that's really hard for me to accept. Find myself being disappointed in people too. I just don't want to be like this, this gray cloud is taking a long time to pass.

Fifi suggested that perhaps I'm ignoring my feelings - well... not ignoring, I do pray a whole lot more than you can imagine... I just choose not to dwell in it... Quite touched that Sheepy was concerned - Actually he thought that I might be upset at him. Which I was rather amused at. But no, I wasn't... he took the initiative to talk to me, to offer wise words and a better perspective. I was wondering how he knew I was really upset by taking one look at my face, perhaps he's sensitive in this sense. Appreciate Sheepy for waving at me across the aisle, and having a conversation during the announcement time. It almost cracked me up seeing how ridiculous it may seem to some, but it was just his way of finding out how I was. This means a lot to me.

I have concluded that emotional stress is the worst stress of all. There's just no way you can really release it. Not by eating - which I've lost interest in lately, nor by crying, banging your head on the wall, writing it out, talking helps a bit... haiz. Is this the start of something good... I wouldn't know whether to agree or not.

You have reached level 51 on the Goldberg scale.

Moderate to severe depression.

Erm, how inaccurate. I'm just sad... I still think positively. Although it's been lasting for quite some time now. I think taking depression tests will get you even more depressed, haha...

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Feelings are unimportant

Tak ada sesal.
Tak ada angkasa untuknya.

I could write about how sad I am, but you probably wouldn't care, or wouldn't know what to do or say to me.

I could write about my day, and the many interesting things that happened; but you probably would form an opinion of others through my reading my thoughts, and I don't want that.

Maybe I'd just stop writing. Stop sharing. Stop talking. Isolate myself.

I could tell you that this week was rough, emotionally, and you will think that I'm just another one of those emotional women who cannot control their emotions.

I've made realisations, about myself, that I cannot live with. Figuratively. So, how? I do not WANT to give up.But I do feel like it. Thought about it. Realised that is what I've always done. I've always lived my life the way I wanted it to be - without regrets. That is why, I always DO things, or SAY things. so that, I will not regret one day, that I never did this or said that, and the moment is gone, forever, and I'd be just miserable.

But I realise that, I'm still regretting, the things I did and said. It's a dumb dilemna where I thought I would regret if I did not do and say those things, but when I did, I also regret doing it! Or you would not think like that, maybe I am too retrospective, too analytical, too critical.

He's coming back.

Not that I regret ever meeting him, or praying about things or leaving matters in God's hands. It's just that this time round, the multitude of feelings brings back many flashbacks for me that I'd rather not have. Feelings are unimportant, says Jelly. How I agree.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Listening ears take away sadness

Berteman seorang baru hari ini, yang membesarkan hati saya.

Always be prepared for life's changes.

I have to admit that the variety of people I meet daily shapes up my perspective in life. Perhaps I've been incredibly blessed, but so far, the people I've met have been kind, sincere, and friendly. They say that life reflects what you make of it. Maybe, I see a reflection of my inner positive tendencies in them too. I'm still very very shy at talking to new people, though.

I've met a man who lives by faith yesterday. Like the ones in Hebrews, he deserves a hall of fame for himself. Never ever thought I would meet someone like that, who inspires me by his willingness to obey God, his unwavering trust that God will provide, his openness in sharing and ministering, how God opened so many doors of opportunities for his newly-planted church. More on that, later. I just wanted to share with the ones I thought would also catch his enthusiasm and joy at what God is doing. Well, the road ahead is an uphill one for him.

And being incredibly blessed, I am at a loss for words at the departure of a dear soul - one I've not known for long, but he is moving on to 'conquer countries'. My new boss, transferring to Hong Kong. Was tearful, and sad, an emotion that seems to keep surfacing in me recently. I do know what I want to write to him. It moves me when he said to his team, about me, the 'latest arrival', that 'This girl is a fighter. She will make it.' Even now, I'm choking up. His words mean so much to me. I'm sad that my personal John C. Maxwell is going to leave. I enjoyed, so much, the times spent sitting in his room and just chatting, analyzing personality types, reviewing sales strategies, just enjoyed absorbing his wisdom, and the calmness of his presence in the midst of a small, personal storm. It touches me so much that he believes in me. I never told him this, but he's the type of guy that I'm going to find, and marry. Although these shoes are hard to fill. Sob sob. The best boss I've ever had. The one that taught me the most, yet spent the least time with me.

Am grateful too, today I made a friend in the office, although I have to say I was not good company, quite crabby because I was hiding my vulnerable feelings. I've realised not too long ago, that if you wait for the 'right' time to say things, it will pass you by, and perhaps the chance is gone, forever. That is also why, recently, I've taken to writing letters and postcards, just because there isn't enough time, to say all the important things felt and received. Before I left the office today, I told him I appreciated him for chatting with me, letting me sit there and mumble, and disturb his work, and just making me feel better. I'm grateful for the company, for the many listening ears at a time like this, I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Leave victorious!

Saya perlu mempunyai sikap positif di hidup!

Some food for thought, that the right attitude directs my future and affects who I am today; my attitude towards life determines life's attitude towards me.

I think I am addicted to John C. Maxwell. "Your Roadmap for Success", my third consecutive book in a row. Heralds the start of a love affair with his writings. =)

Into the second chapter, constantly self-dialoging with myself. I never realised how important attitude is/was, I always knew mine was not in a 'good' state. Growing up, I was careful to always toe the line that separated the wilful from the wicked. Later on I realise that I had so much angst, so much pain, because I belonged to the 'non-conventional' category, a small percentage of people that always felt misunderstood because they thought and acted differently from the majority of the population. Well I later realised that most of the population secretly admired my guts, my tenacity to stand firm for my beliefs, for being daring to wear what I want, to do what I liked, (without giving a damn to what the majority thought, excuse the word). Yes, a big part of me is still like that, I dare to question authority for a reason, I will fight for a cause I believe in, till the very end. I will die for the ones I love. Now, as I begin to understand myself, I begin to understand the world I live in, too. And yet, I've mellowed somehow, in recent incidents and situations I begin to question the futility of even fighting, for the probability of the outcome being in my favor is slim; and with experience, there isn't a valid point to start with. So, having no underlying motivation, I lose, my focus and sense of self-worth. Slightly. I am also hurt with misconceptions of myself, stereotypes that I once played up, that most believed; that I couldn't be bothered to correct, only, leaving it as it is, I fear I may lose bits of my identity.

I sidetrack. Back to the book, one of the best parts is the 'practical' - or is it 'theoretical' points where you can interact with your mental faculties and do some simple yet thought-provoking assignments.

'What are my greatest talents?'
'What is my greatest passion, the thing I love doing so much that I would gladly do it for free?' 'What is my greatest character strength?'
'If I could be anything I wanted, what would I be?'

This book makes me realise I don't really know myself that well. And also, it highlights the fact that in some areas, I don't really know what I really want.

Don't we all.

But in some areas, I know, for sure, that it is what I really want. And I leave it to God.

I love challenges.
I fear that one day, when my ministry or work becomes insipid, I might just lose steam, and drift off to a new place. Needed motivation today, got nuggets of inspiration from Udy. He said, every place that you go to, leave the place victorious. Hold your head high, never let the place defeat you. If you do (let it defeat you), no matter where you go, it will be the same.

Leave, victorious!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Just for laughs

And here, the silliest thing (In my opinion) that was said to me last week:

"Hello...Hey, are you at home?" (This call was received on my home phone.) Fully flabbergasted for a whole 10 seconds, I burst out laughing uncontrollably... Poor, confused soul received a barrage of verbal abuse from me: "Duh! Of course!...Hahahaha... You called my home phone, lei...Hahahahaha...That is the silliest thing I've ever heard...Hahahaha..."

Then, perhaps condemned already, poor soul makes another dumb statement.

Poor soul: "Erm, so I meet you at the bus stop...."

Me: "Which bus stop?"

Poor soul: "The one where you wait for the bus."

Me: "?@!#!? Of course wait for bus at bus stop la! Hahahaha...Then, wait for taxi? Hahahahaha...."

Poor thing. He means the bus stop at my house, downstairs. But because I live in a complicated area, I meant to double confirm whether he meant that bus stop, or the one that is at the main road. I don't doubt his sincerity... I think I was pretty mean to laugh so condemningly too. But heck, I was in a foul mood. Arh well, told him I was going to blog about it.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Underlying thoughts

You see, I believe that everything I do, think, or say, has some underlying thoughts, feelings, or motivations behind it. When I say aye, it doesn't mean I necessarily totally agree. A good listener to me is one who understands, me, more than what is being said. It's tiring to explain things to people who simply don't get it. A little impatience on my part. Then again, it's the undeniably strong chemistry that draws some people together through no fault of their own.

I'm getting flashbacks of things that happened recently. Hey, I thought that you only get flashbacks about things that happened long ago. Something they call 'emotional baggage', unresolved feelings and agendas from way past. Perhaps I've dealt with my past so well that now I have to deal with the recent past. I did ask myself, wy am I so hung up over all the things that happened? I'm not particularly sad, nor upset, nor regretful... so why am I making myself miserable, thinking about all the things that should not have been.

And then I realise the reason why.
I'm disappointed with myself.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

How did Deb get her hamster to pose like this...

Saturday, October 01, 2005

If I told you not to leave

When I heard that you wanted to leave in two years’ time, part of me wanted to say, take me with you. I’d be so much happier there, than now, in this place. Your eyes seemed to take on a faraway look as you dreamt of living in that place, with lush green valleys, white picket fences. You reminded me of a boy I once knew, someone vastly different from you, yet similar in what lies within. I lacked the confidence to realize my dreams, to make things happen, to let you know I loved you.

I did not meet him for the last time. When he left, I felt sad. Sad. Just another feeling that would pass, with time. I could easily find another boy to love, another man who would see who I am, love me for that, and bring out the best in me. So I waited, and he left. When he came back, I was sick. Sick. Another thing in life you cannot control – the illness just envelops your entire body and you are left in no-man’s land, gasping for breath, crying not because of the pain wracking your entire body but crying, for him, for the lost chance – that, I might never have the chance to see him, again.

I did something stupid, I gave my heart to someone who could not and would not care for me. I did not blame him, I could not love him too. How to, when my heart was miles away, when all I knew and loved with such certainty could not, with the same certainty, promise me anything, because he had nothing to give, he could not.

If I told you not to leave, would you not?
If I said I love you, would you believe me?
If I told you I knew from the first time I met you, that you were the one, would you be able to accept it?
If I told you that you came here for a purpose, and that was to fulfill my dreams, would you wake me up?

Random musings. Some true, some not. An attempt to hide my soul yet reveal it to those who understands the nuances. Gavin DeGraw's songs are really nice. The words, meaningful, something I would write myself if I was into popular music.

Sometimes the ones who are really strong are the ones who dare to cry for love.