Tolong saya untuk tidak peduli, begitu banyak.
Things are getting bad when despite all the random acts of kindness you've received; the amazing way God has led you to people to encourage you, you still tear when you wake up, at every sad thought, at the bleakness of things. I'm not depressed nor dejected, just disappointed. It's hard to deal. When everything you've known, every little meaningful thing to you, loses its significance - when you don't even smile at the thought of the person you like, when you feel like punching your dearest friend, when your dearest friend cautions you about some unruly behavior and you want to burst into tears; but knowing it would shock him too much and probably he will think it's his fault, you hold it back; but the upset expression shows on your face, way too clear for those who truly know you.
And the reason why I feel so strongly about things is because I care, I think I care too much. For people, for upholding righteousness, about taking initiative, to always speak up for what I believe in.
And suddenly I realise, nobody really understands. When I thought that they should, or cared to. And that adds fuel to my sadness. And that's really hard for me to accept. Find myself being disappointed in people too. I just don't want to be like this, this gray cloud is taking a long time to pass.
Fifi suggested that perhaps I'm ignoring my feelings - well... not ignoring, I do pray a whole lot more than you can imagine... I just choose not to dwell in it... Quite touched that Sheepy was concerned - Actually he thought that I might be upset at him. Which I was rather amused at. But no, I wasn't... he took the initiative to talk to me, to offer wise words and a better perspective. I was wondering how he knew I was really upset by taking one look at my face, perhaps he's sensitive in this sense. Appreciate Sheepy for waving at me across the aisle, and having a conversation during the announcement time. It almost cracked me up seeing how ridiculous it may seem to some, but it was just his way of finding out how I was. This means a lot to me.
I have concluded that emotional stress is the worst stress of all. There's just no way you can really release it. Not by eating - which I've lost interest in lately, nor by crying, banging your head on the wall, writing it out, talking helps a bit... haiz. Is this the start of something good... I wouldn't know whether to agree or not.
You have reached level 51 on the Goldberg scale.
36-53
Moderate to severe depression.
Erm, how inaccurate. I'm just sad... I still think positively. Although it's been lasting for quite some time now. I think taking depression tests will get you even more depressed, haha...
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