Friday, June 29, 2007

Pause. Put down your stones. Put down your masks.

Being in this new cell has taught me many things. Things about myself that I have previously not known. There's neverending things to learn, and this period, I've learnt so much, it's almost as if I'm learning how to live, again.

I've learnt how to emotionally connect with people, and I've learnt that doing so does not empty you - it actually empowers you with more, more emotions, more passion, more love.

And I never realised that being so open about my 'fleshly sins', issues and struggles have led to people being drawn to me, just because of my sincerity. It's been years since I took of my mask and been who I am, just like this, so thank you to all those who have seen me, through, and offered a helping hand and not throw stones at me. You know, it's the only way to live. Without masks, without fanciful words that sounds impressive but mean nothing - without tonnes of people who know you, but no one who really cares enough to meet you at your darkest times. I've learnt that long ago to put my mask down, even though at times it is tempting to put it back on again... In the area where I work, most people have to put on masks, and most of the time it's for a good reason. But what I'm afraid is that the mask becomes a part of my psyche, a part of my persona that I cannot rid.

One day if I start talking all high and mighty and have the 'sales gleam' in my eye, please give me a slap.

Are you a mask-wearer?
Wearing masks may give you lots of company, but they won't last long. To really draw people - we have to be human enough.


Are you a stone thrower?

Imagine with me... you have a friend, someone who goes to the same church as you do. (It could possibly be ME.)

This woman had been a young bride with dreams about what married life could be like. She had many dreams, of praying, worshipping together with her husband, of raising a family. But maybe things did not turn out the way she had planned. Somewhere along the way, she had sinned. It all started out innocently.

A harmless schoolwork assignment.

She had asked for help from a man older than herself, and very much suave and conversational. He seemed to want to listen to the things she had to say. Which was a powerful thing for an aching heart. At first it was all quite innocent. Then one day they crossed a line. Maybe it was a shared look that implied a certain desire. Maybe it was the sharing of secrets that violated her fiance's confidence and trust.

Then one day, she crossed a line. A passionate kiss in the car as he drove her home. But she chose.
Then she started crossing other lines, until this became a full blown affair. She entered into a state of apiritual despair, though she didn't know it yet. As long as it was secret, it was as if she were living two lives in different worlds.

Sin unchecked always leads to more sin.

She used to be a truthful person. The first time she lied to her fiance about where she was going so she could be with this man, her heart was pounding, she was blushing, and she was sure he could sense she wasn't telling the truth.

And each time she went to church and served in the worship team, on stage as a singer, singing to hundreds of people, she was sure God would strike her dead with a bolt of lightning. But no one found out. There was no lightning. God did nothing. And it continued on, as she tried not to think too much about God. She tried to think about other things during the prayers.

She has become a hypocrite. Then comes one day - she is with this man that she has been with. This day, it happens. There have been people watching and waiting. They seize her and take her to Jesus. She screams, cries, begs for mercy... ...

She would give anything if she could go back to where she first crossed the line. But she can't. You can never go back. She sees her sin, exposed before everyone. Her Sectional Leaders and her Pastor whom she has loved so much. Her members. And she suddenly realised why she's here: she chose it. She chose this life.

That's not all there is to it. She was hurt and wounded and had needs that went unmet. But she is not just a victim. She made a thousand choices that led, inevitably, inexorably to a moment like this.

(To be continued...)

Taken some liberties from one of the chapters from John Ortberg's 'Everybody's normal until you get to know them', a book you must read. (In Penelope's book collection)

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Making dating work

Some musings after finally finishing up reading 'Boundaries in Dating' (Four popcorn rating from Spiritedly.)

For someone who serves God in a capacity that will most likely scare away lesser guys, I date - quite a lot. Not to be proud of it or anything, but put it this way: If you are a girly girl and the number of guys you know is zero, then you are not likely going to be on many dates. But if you are the opposite of a ladies' man (what is that, a mens' lady???) and your guy acquaintances number in the hundreds, including all the clients and people you meet, then, well, the dating scene is quite, interesting. I do have certain ideals I'd like met in a guy, and I'm saying this very objectively - I think I'm at the age where I don't want to date 'just for fun' or 'just to know what I want in a guy'. I think I do know, and God-willing, the next one will be the finale. The tiramisu after the pasta. The cherry on the ice-cream. The... well, you get the picture.

The book has brought me back to the past where at this juncture I can now fully appreciate how miserable I was because perhaps, I did not set the right boundaries, or having made mistakes in the past, I was perhaps doomed to repeat them. A horrid curse on my dating life? During dating Xerxes last year I realised somewhere along the line that I would never be able with him. (In fact, I'm not sure too if anyone would be able to live with messy old me) Each time we(he) talked about a long life together I would shudder in fear. And dreaded the 'after-this' talks. Anyhow...I realised what was the missing ingredient, besides obviously having not enough affection for him to go the long run. Here's a few, excerpted from the book (The terms are the book's; the examples are mine and I guess we can all identify with them):

1. Dominating: The Dater won't hear NO from The Date. When Date disagrees, Dater intimidates, threatens or rages.

For example, Dater keeps making Date go to a place of his convenience for lunch/weekend/etc, and always do what he likes...without caring if she likes them too, or PREFERS doing something else with her time. Just because Date seems to have more free time, Date has to do all the traveling around.

2. Withdrawal: One person pulls away when the other exercises some freedom or difference. He may isolate, sulk, or be silent. But he is passively punishing his date for her differentness.

I am guilty of this. =( I am aware of it and am working on it. Not only on dates, but when I get too provoked, too challenged, etc...I will just "log off" - distant myself from God, from that friend, from that situation. I thought that I was just being non-confrontational, but I am really hiding away from the situation. I guess I am not ready to be emotionally challenged, so I just withdraw and over the years it has become a sort of reflex for me. Snowman is helping me with this!

3. Manipulating: One person shows disrespect by subtle strategems designed to make the other person change his mind.

I think all of us are guilty of this at any one point, but we must be aware and change our manipulative actions - it actually points to being selfish and not loving the other person, which is a deeper issue. In the later part of my relationship, I think I behaved like that in certain ways as well.

4. Direct violation: The person disrespects by continuing the same hurtful action, even after being asked not to. He keeps doing it.

Once, after a really minor disagreement, to my utmost amazement and surprise, instead of comforting me, Xerxes just hopped onto his bike and zoomed home - to sleep. Obviously this is only done by the ones who deserve death. (But I am oh so tolerant, or maybe just stupid.) And he did it again. And again. This led to me feeling rejected and self-destructive (attention seeking behavior.) The weird part about it if I can remember clearly is that he never apologized in person for his actions, only smsing an apology the next day. Come on, girls all know that it screams insincerity.

5. Minimizing: Dater says The Date's negative feelings are simply an overreaction.

Was told that so many times, in fact almost each time I brought up something, that I was really psyched to believe that 'it was my fault' and 'I was over reacting' 'I behaved like a feeler' 'I was too emotional'.

6. Blaming: When The Dater talks about the problem, The Date indicates that he himself caused the problem.

For example a man will tell his girlfriend that it hurts when she makes fun of him in public. She might respond with, "If you would pay more attention to me, I wouldn't have to resort to that."

Well, this is not a problem for me. =) One out of 7... boundaries need to be guarded well...

7. Rationalising: The other person denies responsibility for whatever caused the problem.

Like if one party is always late, he excuses himself by saying, it was the traffic, etc... chronically. (traffic is always the same, what...)

More thoughts on boundaries later. I am learning so much, it seems that every chapter in my Life brings new things and there is never enough to learn. The last book my Mom bought for me? "The Marriage Covenant." *puke* Maybe I will lend it to Travis since he attended the 'childrens programme' in our Church's life conference haha! But this book is superb...and it's a subtle hint my parents want me to move out soon.

Monday, June 25, 2007


Indon kids in a village on a tsunami-hit island, 2005.
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I wonder how old are they now.
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Indon, in a village near the Aceh town centre, Disember 2005. The sky seems to be more blue there.
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While I was in Aceh. Will be going back to Indon end-year if all works out well.
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A red hot coal...

What He's done for me, is so amazing...
and I know He will do for you, what He's done for me.

Think about coals. I've been thinking of them for the past day or so. Because, during The Church's Sat service, it was preached that we, in our spiritual walk, can be likened to coals. Red-hot, or almost burnt-out... or worse, lukewarm.
I cannot get the words out of my head. Thus, been thinking about coals.

During this weekend, I prayed for more friends who can guide me spiritually.

All along it's always been Travis, with occassional insight from Knarf, and recently, Snowman. But I need more, more people to help me climb out of the mire and into a new place.

It's been an amazing weekend.

And right after saturdayservice, Jelly smiled at me.

He's also one of those people who have impacted my life so, by doing something beautiful for me, something I never thought he - or anyone, would do.

When I broke up early this year, on that day itself, I smsed a few friends. I wasn't heartbroken really, but of course, kind of sad. Jelly immediately insisted that I call him - since he was free, having a break between study periods. I did not really want to, but he insisted, and that talk was a relief, a breaking down, and I'm touched to know that he really cared, for someone who was perhaps hurting but did not want to show it.

So, like an answer to prayer, Jelly asked me, what kind of coal did I think I was. He shared that he's definitely not burnt out, but not red-hot either. Something like lukewarm, he identified. And then happily said that he'd check on my progress (spiritual doings) the next week when we meet during saturdayservice. Such an answer to prayer.

Later that evening, I received an sms out of the blue from a girl friend musician in The Church. She wanted to meet the next day - and I also shared how she was an answer to my prayer then. God always answers my prayers - I am amazed how instantaneously he does!

It's important to have a positive response to the doings of God. No matter what, whether or not you were filled with the Holy Spirit, whether you believe in the power or not, give Him the respect that He is doing something in the lives of other people. And you can choose, for your own life, whether or not you want to participate in this. As long as we have a bit of Faith, God will use that little bit to shape us, transform us, and help us to be better leaders of tomorrow's world.

When I was being prayed for, all I said inside was, 'me, me, me.' Use me, Help me, speak to me.
Yes God, I want something more. I want something more.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

In quietness and trust.

I like quiet guys
Because they can listen to me without interrupting.
Because then, I can talk more. And making them laugh always gives me joy, too.

I once had a friend, I'll never forget him. I'll never forget what he did for me.
He listened to me not talk - this was on the phone.
It was my finals and I was too stressed, I couldn't utter a single word.
He was probably playing games or something. Yet he listened to my unspoken stress.
Some things are better left unspoken.

It's amazing how peaceful I feel, not speaking much this weekend. Oh, I wanted to talk, but I just couldn't say much. Almost like travelling with myself, you don't get to talk much when you are traveling alone. I do enjoy it at times. Meatball wrote from Bali. He's doing all sorts of sports there. And mostly I think he doesn't speak much to people. I guess he likes this feeling as well.

Back to the cluttered world that gives me headaches and nightmares.

Sometimes when I don't really feel like speaking much, I wonder if you will be there, beside me, just understanding my need for peace and a little time spent meaningfully in silence. Maybe we talk so much that God doesn't speak anymore. Or we just neglect to listen at times. Have you heard the wind - God is in the wind, in the morning breeze, in the soft nightfall sounds. God is everywhere and He is waiting to speak to you, and me.
short story copyright mine...

Dear Christian Mittelberg,

There seems to be little the world can offer when day to day, time passes. Are we all resolved to be trapped in the cycle of growing up, getting married, and then...?

If my life could be made miserable, I would not think that it could be; not least of all, by her.

She had a strange name. Arielle. In your time, perhaps strange names like hers would be all the rage. But in mine, people had proper names like Jane, or Susan, Christian names like James or Charles. Arielle sounded like it was out of a book, like she was a faerie sprung out of Neverland into real life; bewitching, captivating, me.

At forty, I never thought that I would fall in love, again.

The first time I fell in love was when I was seventeen. A girl, older than me by a few months. She lived across the road from my family, and we would often meet by chance, at the town's only bookstore sometimes, at others near the playing field where I would sit on the swings, despite being slightly overgrown for them. When I swing, I feel as though time stood still, that by closing my eyes and imagine, I am flying, I can conquer the world. I believe that one day, they would take down the swings, take down the slides, and replace them with boring, safe toys. Maybe not for a decade more. But things are changing rapidly, and I hope that you will always remember that feeling when you are in the air, legs dangling and all.

When we moved, I missed the swings. And I also missed the feeling of being in love, of having someone to miss you, to support you and to just have someone close by, smelling her hair, loving her outline, her voice, her everything. Strangely I never had that desire again, not for any other woman. Women found me, I dated them. But I felt that deep inside, no one truly could see me or know me for the person I was deep inside. I was devastated by thinking that maybe life is meant to be that way, perhaps you never find the perfect one for you, someone who could love you for the way you are inside. Someone who bothers enough to look out for you, in such a tender way that moves you deeply. Maybe I was too perfectionistic in that sense. But Christian, I could never stomach the fact that there would be a woman living in my house, with me, someone I did not love and could not love for the rest of my life.

And so the years passed till I met Arielle. She was just a wee wisp of a girl, fragile looking, almost like the wind could blow her down. But beneath that exterior was a woman made of steel. She exasperated me like no one else can. Most of all, her dancing eyes made me feel alive again, as though I could live a thousand lives with her. I think I never realised how happy I was then. It's only when you have time off from your daily schedule then you can be alone and think of how good God is, how much people mean to you in your life. And loving Arielle is like loving life itself. I could not imagine how life was, without her before.

I know I will never get to see you. In fact, I don't know how much longer I have, to live. But Christian, don't think of me as someone you never knew. Time stole away my health and youth, and now it is impossible to provide for you and Arielle the life that I have always longed for. Why do people die? Why do you have to be born, without a happy family? Arielle is strong, she can look after you, and when you are old enough to understand, don't blame your mother for running into the arms of another man. She needed what I was unable to provide for. When we were together, each day seemed like a blessing, a miracle for my life. I never asked how long she would stay, and her parents could never accept us being together. Me, her professor, and she, just a wisp of a girl that enchanted my heart. I was just grateful for the time she chose to be with me. Secretly, I was hoping that there would be a place in her heart for me, as well. I never knew what I meant to her, for she never told me. I guess her life had troubles of her own, something she never could tell me. Myself, I told her everything about my life. My passions, my life story. She would never write to me, not even when things happened. She could not write well, she laughed. Sometimes she sent telegrams. I've always longed for more than this with your mother, but perhaps that would be my lifelong sorrow. After all, if she had been around always, I might have had lost the feelings for her long ago, and treated her almost as an objet d art in the house.

Some chapters in life write themselves our in a most unexpected way. I never expected Arielle to stay, nor did I expect her to leave, so soon. I do hope that she is at peace. Christian, all these while, I never really believed in it. In our love. It was as though everyday, I was holding my breath, waiting for the magical spell to break.

Those were the best years of my life.
Always be true to yourself, although circumstances dictate that I cannot be around for you, I want you to know that I care about you deeply. I am dying, Christian, but I am at peace. Knowing you are safe, and knowing Arielle has been a joy that I will always cherish in my heart.

Yours truthfully
Your father
Prof. Johannes Otto Christian Mittelberg,
University of Malmo, Fall of 1923.

Monday, June 18, 2007

taman sinn, ujong pasir in melaka, a nice cosy terraced house.

Living in a city sure clutters my mind up. Maybe some don't realise it, but I guess I was born with a bit of the countryside in me. I love roadtrips really, a journey of 5 or 8 hours by bus seems exciting, compared to daily drudgery.

So from time to time I like to be alone, or with a companion, just sitting and contemplating life. Sometimes I think I think too much about life, about issues, that it just knocks people out when I talk about it, and they reply, oh, I haven't really thought much about that before. Its times like these when I wish I was simpler, or rather, that the world was. My world is, anyways, and the entities that reside in it.

And in faraway places the sunsets always seems more beautiful.

I dropped by Melaka over the weekend, arrived on Friday just as the sun was setting; a beautiful chrome yellow mixed with blue hues. Chester's back, so having missed the chance to see him the last time round, I immediately booked a bus up. We've been pals for 5 years now and I'm glad to say that the emails on Mondays keep me sane. And it's also nice to blurt out all your secret dreams and fears to a friend who can only offer you words of comfort over the email. Life experiences mature people, but only those who let those experiences mature them. At least, for the people who think about it. As he sails around the world, I'm glad to share in a part of his life, and make the loneliness seem a bit more bearable with an email each week.

And I love his town too. Some places, once you go to it, you identify with it somehow. I've always felt sort-of at home here. The people are so friendly that everywhere you go, you feel as though you've made a friend. The last time round, I've made so many friends. This time too, I've met a couple. And the strangest thing is meeting someone who ALREADY knows you. Well, I do try to keep a low profile, but at times my reputation precedes me. Haha! Not funny but I did meet a guy , Ches' friend who knows me. So he goes, Oh, you are the Rachel cell leader from Trinity church! And I cover my face with my hand, shaking my head in dismay. It turns out that his sister and brother-in-law was recommended to my cell. (They work here, live in Bedok.) So even though we've never met, and I've never seen them, they have heard about me, or at least, my cell. Not bad for a 3 month old cell...I just hope that there won't be any strangers approaching me in Melaka the next time I go up saying, hey, you are that cell leader... ... It's really a compliment but I'd like to remain low profile...

And I went to 2 churches in Melaka over the weekend too, it was great. Just a wonderful opportunity to see how other assembly churches conduct their ministry and all. Muffin was right, all assembly churches have the SAME tithe envelope, right down to building pledge and all. I consider myself blessed to be able to visit so many churches in Malaysia, have been to P Ong Sek Liang's one as well as a really dynamic one in Kuching, and of course the one my uncle planted in Skudai. So attending Bethel Church and Calvary Life Assembly was a real treat for me!

Ches lives in a beautiful house. I don't mean big, but kinda of the right size. Like those retro ones we see in Chip Bee Gardens, white terraced with glass shuttered windows, a low white gate, inside has lovely mosaic tiling on the bath area and authentic metal bathroom doors too. Plus a skylight thingy that just lets air in and feels spacious. I love it, I want to buy a house like this next time. His old house is even more interesting. It's been converted into a guesthouse now. I believe his family stayed in it for 3 generations.

It's nice to take a break once in a while, Melaka's one of the few places in my life
(so far) that I get homesick about when I think about the place. A sleepy city that stays awake, actually. Not just boring museums - though I'm sure if you visited all 20+ of them, you'd be bored beyond words. Here is a place where you can safely enjoy the diversity of different cultures, with really good food and hangout places. Though with the new developments springing up, crime rates have increased and I'm not sure how long this place will stay like this. I'm giving it about 10 years before it becomes retailised like sg. Just shopping, shopping and watching movies. Fun, but boring too. So before it becomes this way, Melaka's not too far away for me to visit it as often as I possibly can.

After all, I love this place. It's not too boring for me.

Friday, June 15, 2007

A lil pocket of time...

Meatball's in Bali (so near yet so far), Superman is dropping by here for a couple of days next week, and then again; two weeks later.PS Chua is coming back in July.
And Chester is back, yay!

When you know you won't get to see the person again for a long, long time later, such meetings take on more significance.

Like you just want to squeeze in a year's worth of life anecdotes into one night's session of chatting. Emails can never express your thoughts the way a phone call or face-to-face chat can.

Familiarity breeds contempt. It's true, when someone is always there, like your longsuffering wife, you fail to realise how important she is to you. Only when maybe, she falls sick, or goes away on a trip. Then you realise that all the nights you spent outside with your drinking buddies, you would gladly exchange for a night of just looking into each other's eyes with the deep comfort and understanding that, I know you, I love you, and I want it to be this way for the rest of my life.

It's hard to find that pocket of time in our cluttered world. That few hours of bliss, happy moments just spent in each other's presence. Maybe in our city life, it proves almost impossible to find. And all of us, walking so fast, looking but not seeing, never understanding other people, only caring about ourselves.

And maybe this busy city life has hurt us. So that we put up barriers, shape ourselves to be a little more mean to people, not wanting to show concern lest it gets misunderstood, pretending to be argumentative and irritating just because we are scared to show we care. So that's the way we live, talking about life, but not really sharing.

But deep inside all of us, we crave for that connection, the bonding that can only come about with wanting to understand ourselves, and others. Even if we have spent all our time and effort helping someone, only to see the person still remain the same, does it mean we stop, and never try again?

I treasure deep, sustainable relationships, something I don't allow just anyone to build with me. Maybe like you, I tend to put up barriers. Boundaries. But are they just an excuse for protecting our hearts?

Sometimes it requires heartbreak to realise your passion.

And I know that once - this moment in time is passed, we will never be able to get it back again. Maybe I'm sadist, already missing the time spent, when I can still spend it. Or more realistic, knowing that things will change, we will all grow up, move on, move away, change and be different, that I am being nostalgic now. I'll change too , I change too fast.

But I will remember you. Always!

Sunday, June 10, 2007


Reasoning, inadvertently.

It's the 'take two hands to clap' theory.
I had an insightful week, to say the least. Misconstrued notions and such. Sometimes the metaphysical aligns to the spiritual that both forms perfect symmetry. How do you react to certain people, and what is their reaction to you?

Sometimes people get on my nerves and I snap at them, like a snapping animal that has been over poked, over provoked. I don't take kindly to people who say meaningless things, especially those whom are not even friends, so, please control yourself before I snap. When people insult others, and do the same again and again, there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Maybe it reflects a certain insecurity in their character and self confidence that requires them to put others down to feel good about themselves. Maybe this trait runs strong in individuals with 'High X' profiling, more so than any other. If I were a wee simpler, I guess I'd be much happier not exerting my brain over such things. I'd just accept them for who they are and ignore the caustic ones. But I tend to analyze.

There are always many reasons for people saying things. You can't attribute it to just a single reason.

Maybe, some people enjoy being sarcastic because it gives them a fierce persona. Maybe, some enjoy keeping animals because they want to be seen as benevolent. Or helping the poor. Etc. As always, I question the reasoning behind the action. You can be all things to all men, it can be good. But it also can be bad if your reason is that you are ambitious and want to 'lose' your way to the top. I mean, losing yourself in the process. You may think that the last runner in a race is a definite loser. But you may not think that way if he is running on two artificial limbs... or if it is a marathon, and she did not win the race; but she ran - while three months pregnant with her first child. (True story, my colleague's daughter did that.) They are winners in their own right, just that measured by the world's standards, they fall short. If you do things out of duty than of love for the people, then I think it's not worth doing at all.


This phrase "The joy of the Lord shall be your strength" kept running through my head yesterday. I mean, I don't usually get such wongwong messages like this. I just wondered what it meant, was I supposed to tell someone and then someone would just be so touched by it? So I just told the ones I was close with, and prayed for it for the cell, during post service. But the next day it felt like it was, still 'there', so I smsed some people. It's quite a general term, don't you think? Yet I felt that somehow it was meant to be said for a purpose or something. Ah well. Someday someone somewhere will tell me, I hope. =)

Heard from Hans recently that Zero, our handsome friend, has not been coming to church or cell. Felt quite sad when I heard that. Zero actually brought Hans to church. Was close to Zero once upon a time - well close enough to share about spiritual stuff, chat on the phone, about the people we liked, and our destinies in God. I'm determined not to let him go that way, it just seems like a waste. Plus, handsome guys are always welcome in The Church, haha! Well, because of the fond memories I have, and the nice gentlemanly way he treated me (too nice, I prefer to be shoved around at times aye) sometimes, I can't forget those people who are nice to me. I end up liking them too much, but when I move on from the friendship, and when I meet them again, I have an irresistable longing to have that sort of bond again. Though, we've all grown up since then and have had a couple of relationships and graduated from school as well - but I hope he is still the same, nice, gentlemanly, pukingfyingly romantic white knight on shining armor type of guy that I once met, knew, and liked. Zero, I hope your life experiences, no matter how bitter they are, would not have taken away the person who is inside, and the Jesus that is inside. Shine, Jesus shine. I'm praying for a chance - a divine appointment, to meet him. And even though he does not want to be in contact with all the people in his ministry anymore, I hope he will still remember me, his friend from ages ago.


I crossed the 'suaning boundary', inadvertently. Oops.
And I was quite amused at one of the 'top 5 things we can work on' (to improve ourselves) - we have a similar one. Haha! Aye, Muffin and I tend to be 'insensitive to others at times'. and maybe slightly oversensitive to our own emotions, that is why such inadvertent crossings occur. It's not my intention to hurt anyone, by words, actions or attitudes, which I have done before. So boundaries are there for a reason. To make life more purposeful and relationships more joyful! So yes, you are stubborn and irritating too... but I am also intrigued by that! Because it's a mirror of me. Not all is doom and gloom though, it's really amusing to see your flaws manifested in someone that does a good impersonation of yourself. I'm glad at the way we can talk through things. I'm glad at the way we can talk about anything
(well, most things.) So maybe I was looking for a friend, like you.

Plus it was fun to be in cahoots to bully Elk. =)
skiiri photos.

my water bowl is too small. hamsters use. can i have a bigger bowl please?

i am not litter trained yet!

this is the staircase to my hay box.

the humidity makes my fur messy...

i love to eat hay

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


Love makes Time pass,
Time makes Love pass.

Was reminded by Snowman that I wrote here alternate days; there was a week I entirely stopped. (Oh, you noticed, hee...) Aye, the reason was because I was concussed by that week's events, hur hur. But it was a conscious decision to write alternate days really. Maybe just wanted to write, I have to write stuff everyday, although I don't see the need to speak everyday (maybe only to Snowman)... it's great to get the words out of my system. I write my prayers to God in my journal, lengthy ones, pages long when I can't find the words to pray, I keep writing. But I also write because one day, sooner than I hope, I will write a book. (And it will be a bestseller!) I don't know what sort of book I would write yet, a novel? Something God-inspired? It has been one of my yet-unfulfiled dreams to write a book. The first novel I wrote was 10 years ago. I sent the manuscript to Times and some local publishers, they politely declined it. Since then, I've written, as and when the inspiration strikes. Short stories. Sermons. Poems and the like.

I think all of us are afraid of being like a fool when we fall in love. Knarf shared with me today, that he's afraid too, of turning into someone different, when he really loves someone. Then, he explained, that he would need friends (especially those like me, right...) to rescue. Because usually when we are in love, we cannot see things objectively.

Did mention to Snowman that it's not so important, for me, WHO is the person I love. But rather, the process, and how you love the person that is of significance.

It's hard to keep your feelings under wraps especially when you know it's not the right time. After all, it is of your own volition to utter those little words that can change your meaningful friendship forever, for better or worse.

And when the guy is sure of his feelings, the lady love can be reassured to love him with all her heart. We are like that, we protect our hearts from deep hurt, slowly letting the Romeos of our lives see what we are, what we live for.

There are many reasons for doing things, sometimes we ourselves do not know the real reasons why we say this or do that. Always be sincere to everyone in all you do. At least, that's what I look for. =)

Knowing yourself well also helps someone else to love you better.


Finally, after some weeks of research and thinking, went down to P's BunnyLand last sunday. The Personwhokeepsarabbit (PAR) accompanied me! P specially opened up the place for me, it was at Farmway 2, #1. Woo! There were about a hundred rabbits there. Holland Lops, Dwarfs, Mixed breeds, Angora, I can't remember the rest. I saw a really nice blue mixed breed. I love those bunnies with big eyes! Actually, Par is a bit like a bunny, too. So sometimes I have the horrible urge to stroke his hair. Haha! Oh rabbits eat a lot. Mine is constantly chewing on hay. In the end I chose a beautiful beige one with gray tipped ears and face. It's a longhaired, teddy breed. She was looking at me and I think there was this emotional attachment. I don't mind keeping another one later on, when she grows bigger.

I've named her Skiiri, (pronounced as SKY-LrEE) just thought I wanted a Scandinavian name, but I couldn't find any suitable and not-so-girly ones. Skiiri is taken from 'Skyla' a Dutch girl name which means 'sheltering', and "Ri", japanese origin, common ending name for girls; comes from the word 'kotowari', 'ri' meaning reason or theory. So Skiiri, live a long and happy life!

I think I really love the rabbit smell, I can't really stand hamster's one...but rabbits smell great, man! I think they should bottle the smell of hay, rabbit fur and a bit of sweet meadow scent. Mmm! I feel like burying my nose in her fur...

Kept a white rabbit long time ago, apart from having these, I've kept hamsters, white mice, cats. My family kept birds, fishes...a yabee (Aussie crayfish), insects like scorpions, spiders, lots of praying mantises, a favorite of my brother and sister; I had a stick insect from the Pahang forest and also a cicada. Practically a menagerie. I shall continue to keep pets the rest of my life. I shall pray that my future better half loves them, too. =) It's important you know.

grace above all.

"I see Amazing Grace as a song of very definite hope." - Peter Seeger

Watched this movie with the usual gang on Monday. Mondays are great days to watch movies, man! Besides having a incredible cast, the show really spoke to me, and the life of William Wilberforce. So I've dug up some information about him!

I'm inspired to start my life as an activist, sometime next year.

He also founded the RSPCA. I'm a low profile animal lover, so it gladdens my heart to hear that he adopts stray and injured animals.

You can see the diagram of the slave ship here:

Worst thing is that there is still slavery going on, in the world. A movie can inspire hearts, but it won't change lives if we just sit around and do nothing about it.

Amazing Grace (How sweet the sound)
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snare,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be for ever mine.

John Newton (played by Albert Finney in Amazing Grace) wrote the words to one of the most beloved hymns of all time between 1760 and 1770, while working as an evangelical pastor. Son of the commander of a merchant ship, Newton was captain of a slave ship for many years, until he underwent a dramatic religious conversion while steering his vessel through a storm.

Repenting and regretting the misery he had inflicted on the thousands of human cargo he had transported across the Middle Passage for many years, he devoted his life to the Church, and wrote the lyrics to many hymns which are still popular today.

In 1780 Newton left Olney to become rector of St. Mary Woolnoth, St. Mary Woolchurch, in London. There he drew large congregations and influenced many, among them William Wilberforce. Newton continued to preach until the last year of life, although he was blind by that time. He died in London December 21, 1807.

And to be more aware, you have to go to this website. It will change your heart.
On this site:

Whether in the U.S. or in countries such as Uganda, most fifth graders spent last summer escaping the rigors of school and enjoying the activities of a lazy summer vacation. Not James, an 11-year-old boy from northern Uganda. An abducted child kept as a slave in the Lord’s Resistance Army, he was forced to brutally kill his own brother who had been abducted with him. He was rescued from captivity, but demonstrates the fragile psyche of a child victim forced to kill or be killed.

James is now in a transit center in Lira, and the details of his abduction and captivity are just beginning to emerge from his silence. His deadened eyes and unwilling tongue betray the horror of recent months, when he was one of three brothers abducted by LRA rebels from their village. When one of his younger brothers tried to escape, the rebels pronounced a sentence of death as punishment as an example to other abducted children who would consider escape. The rebel leaders designated James and the third brother to execute their sibling using means too horrific to detail here. Adding to the horror, sometime later when James picked up a piece of cassava to chew on without permission, his overseer cut off part of his ear as punishment.

James was rescued in an army raid, but he is traumatized by the abuse of his captors, and although now free he needs enormous emotional and spiritual help if he is to recover and lead a productive life. This is the kind of enduring and critical help ChildVoice is trying to offer children enslaved by war.

Dare to stand up and change the world. Just a small change effects change the world around.

"Remember, God made (all) Man equal."

Monday, June 04, 2007


inadvertent likability.

I have had some deep thoughts that I find myself repeating to myself and others, in the recent spate of events where, inexplicably, I am drawn into, and play a supporting role in the soap opera.

So here, I will write my thoughts, to be internalised, because I really mean it when I write. =)

1. It's not a crime to like someone.
2. If someone likes you, you don't have to like him/her back.
3. Maybe the person doesn't really like you, but likes the presence of God in you. (Quoted, originally by Muffin.)
4. It's not your fault if someone likes you.
5. When you like someone, you don't have to BE with that person.

And Spiritedly will never tell the guy she truly likes she likes him, so too bad. Ask God. =)

I have to say I'm glad for my peers supporting me all these while. I thought that maybe one reason was because they have seen me unhappy before, and want to see me in love again, happy again. Truly, I am looking for that person that I can spend my life with and never be bored for the rest of my life, someone to make me laugh, yadda yadda. But maybe at this point, I'm not so good to be in a relationship with. And so, thanks for the encouragement but I've realised I'm not so ready yet.

I did tell God that I would start dating again in June. Not aggressively, just being more open to a fulfiling and long relationship which will lead to us fulfiling our destiny together. I'm sad because of the last one, I had harbored too much hope. I now dare to hope again, but also have many doubts, many issues. The hiatus was good -though I did go on one blind date and my Valentine's date and one sort-of thingy.

By now, I should have had enough life experiences to go off the chart.
I think I just want to be happy, lead a godly life, and things just falling into place.

Sometimes it's not that way though. Keep trusting in God.

Through liking someone, we find out more about ourselves. The things we can live with, for the rest of our lives. The peacefulness in each other's presence. The way you cannot imagine how life was like before he/she stepped into your life. And the ability to change yourself in a way no one else can make you to.

It's the process of liking someone that is more important than the final result. Sometimes people think that, in order to be happy, I must be with that person.
And they fail to enjoy the journey, the sweet moments in life.

And it doesn't have to be painful. If you like someone with the intention of being with that person as the main goal, sometimes, you are missing the point.

I would say very honestly, that I like people (guys) quite easily. I mean, ask Kie, he has been listening to my ramblings since Day One. And I also used to be quite open to a few guys, in fact even for those boring ones, I was polite and gave them a chance, too. But it takes that special extra to change it into... LOVE.


I shared with Snowman something that Huntley mentioned to me (which I thought about deeply. Am in deep thought mode these days.)

In some chapters of your Life, there comes along some people who will change the way you think, and maybe, they are there, or they are close to you for that short while, that few months...and then they leave, or things change and you can no longer be that close.

These people shape you emotionally, and each time you look back at that chapter, you will be reminded of how you managed to live through it, and how deep the impact of their care and concern was. Some people shape our emotions this way and our life is changed, because of them.

So no matter where I am end of the year or even next year; or anytime in the future, this time is meaningful to me. It is true that when a chapter closes, a new one opens.

I hope that you will remember me, always remember what I said on 050407 maundy thursday. God really told me to say that to you. I wanted to cry too, because I also had a call...but no one reminded me. When God used me to touch your heart for Him again, He also used me to remind myself, that I still have the anointing. I still can do great things for him. He can still use me to speak into other lives, like I have spoken into yours. So accept that word, and in the future, when you are a bold, radical leader, I hope that you will remember me in your heart.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Diverted, diluted...distracted;(continued)

Had a nice time at The Other Beach yesterday. I found a nice shady spot at bbq pit 39, Area D. A huge shady spot with nice white sands, suitable for a big group or just alone. Well, I also get diluted when I don't spend enough time with myself. I do enjoy being with people very, very much. But sometimes I just need a break, to be alone, to think about some things. I like that. I like to be far from the crowd and just chill at a lonely spot, I don't feel scared or bored at all...Yesterday, I intentionally woke up earlier to catch the morning sun, and to be with myself before the members came. It was tough, the temptation to sleep in especially on a holiday... But yes, once I hear my Palmer alarm I have to get up. Was musing on soem things in life. Like, does everything in life has a reason (spiritual significance) to it? I guess the answer is not as important as the process to finding out the answer and being convicted by it. If you are spiritually-prone, you will attract others to share deeply about this stuff to you too. So I want to cultivate this habit of always, thinking about God. I do think about Him a lot, and tell Him about every issue that I have on my mind. It's fantastic how, if you allow Him to shape your character and reveal some truths, you will be able to be such a better person. There's really no point in harping about what happened to me last year and how drastically I was affected by it. I'd rather move on as fast as it takes, and help others to do so, too.

Temptations are common to man. It doesn't mean that if you are distracted by matters of the heart, you should cease the affection. Hey, everyone's human after all, and take it positively, I have learnt lots of life lessons through every failed romance. Perhaps I would prefer not to learn it the hard way, but slowly am beginning to realise some truths about my character, and how I can change it now, to be the best possible mate & wife to my husband. I think I was not facing up to some things in the past, how I couldn't reject others in some areas, how easy it was for me to do certain things, perhaps it speaks of a lack of moral integrity in certain areas of my life, or a more open upbringing. But no matter how we were brought up, strictly, or otherwise, we've gotta make those hard life decisions. It defines YOU as a person. And also, secretly people respect you for it, although 99% of the time, they will NEVER NEVER tell you. (Except for me, I am that 1%...haha)

And I realised too that, sometimes we blame others for how we are - our flaws. I always do that and I think many people too. I mean, if it's something small like, a minor disagreement between friends, it's ok. But in the long run, don't blame others for your ineffectiveness. One thing I can think about is my lack of speaking Chinese fluently. I used to be able to do it at a passable level, even though most Singaporeans laugh at me, other kinder people from mainly chinese speaking places are more encouraging. I actually speak and understand it better in Malaysia, partly because, those who speak Chinese don't understand English at all, so the brain is stressed to find the accurate word, and thus the brain performs better. All of us produce results better under stress. =) Well, it is a fact that my poor command of the mother tongue stems from my upbringing - surprisingly, my Dad is the only one out of his 9 siblings who speaks English this well, having been sent to an English mission school when everyone else was sent to chinese schools, and Mom was in the same scenario as well. So out of my whole extended family, unfortunately we are the only ones that can't communicate in dialect and the mother tongue.

I could blame this situation on many factors, but also, it is my fault really. Just because I found the language difficult, I gave up on it, and it gave up on me. It's been said that you will find what you are looking for, if you really search hard for it. That's true, and vice versa too.

There are some people who never really grew up. Physically, maybe they are in their 30s, 40s...but deep inside, they are only just starting to know themselves emotionally. Maybe they spend too much time thinking/doing other things and, not cultivating themselves. Maybe they were too sheltered during their teenage years. Maybe, whatever. But it's sad that they are like this. I wanted to help someone once, to get back on his feet, even if it meant wasting my time and effort (Had no money to offer, also). I felt that I was sure to succeed, given my penchant for positivity and encouragement. I really don't complain, and also, seldom say anything negative if not constructive. But being in the company of a draining person for some time would affect even the most positive person. Soon, the drain gets to you and you become tired, too. Even having a low morale - which affects not only yourself, but I think in every area of your life. That is why it is so important to realise how deep an impact words and thoughts (and actions) can have on yourself and others. So, actually it makes sense to want to constantly improve yourself and change for the better.