I need another black skirt.

An office lady dressed in a sharp pencil skirt with the right amount of satin - shiny but not soooo shiny it looks inexpensive; walking in sensible low black pumps, with a taupe top which showed just a little of her sexy back. I can't help noticing how the whole outfit looks so put together and if there's any wardrobe essentials for the office lady, I would say it's a black skirt. It just makes colorful tops looks better and lets you get away with looser drapier stuff on top. So although I already have 2 black skirts - a cheap one from Bangkok, an expensive one from Zara, I think I might need just one more in the right cutting.

Met some of my other work soldiers from other departments yesterday and I'm amazed at how the drone environment is such a big, yet small, place. News, especially bad news, spreads fast and I am able to dig up some intriguing pieces of news that shed the light on things, actually, it's not much effort to dig those up. I'm relatively unaffected by politics given that I'm on the lower end of the food chain, still, I believe that my connections help me, in certain ways.

Like the way rich people hobnob, because of my past jobs I know and am well acquainted with certain successful individuals. Like the marketing director of XX, the ex-GM and the ex-COO of my company, so-and-so. So for someone at the bottom, I have pretty powerful friends. I know people who have worked for years in my current co, and are thus also influential in their own right. Name-dropping only helps you though, if you're in a bad spot and have somehow managed to name-drop before the situation, and not to use the names as a threat.

The possibility of repercussions sounds more interesting than the actual demeaning usage of them, and in a small country where your reputation precedes your ability, I'm not below those to do so to people who need their reputations to be as clean-cut as they can possibly afford. Telling the truth - or letting the truth see the light of day, as with recent celebrity infidelities, damages relationships, finances, emotions, etc... despite the general public closing one eye and being quite complacent about it, in the long run it will come back to bite them.

So maybe I'm not surprised that after I was being personally insulted (on the verge of harassment or a lawsuit should I be an American), my ruffled feathers were quickly being smoothed down as well. (Before the day ended, received an sms by way of apology.) The indignant me wanted to speak my mind, but thanks to The Boyfriend's intervention it became a hysterically cordial reply. Maybe I have more 'inner' EQ than those around me, in this area.

To put it more crudely and more honestly, in some areas, I have a 'I don't give a damn' attitude. I see those bending over backwards for the whims of others and this does not bode well in my lifestyle. I think in some areas, 'I don't give a damn' is good!

juicy news and kind hearts

I was pleased this week to catch up with some girl friends I haven't caught up for quite a while. One lady who serves God faithfully, is always busy with ministry stuffs, we managed to meet up. I've always liked her company, but rarely have the chance to exchange ideas with her. She reminded me inadvertently to do my '101 things' resolution, something I said I would but haven't got round to doing it... and was deeply appreciative of my posted christmas card. It's friends like these we all like to have around.

And knowing that one of our mates was feeling in the doldrums, I was recruited along to make up a hamper of goodies that we knew would bless her heart. At that instance, I truly felt that we were not just friends, but - family. Truly, sisters in Christ. Ones you know you can share anything and it will be kept confidential and not blabbed out to the other party maliciously. Ones you knowwho have your best interest in mind, and asking 'how's your day' not for the sake of killing time but really, wanting to know.

After choosing the goodies, I wanted to pay for my share, but one sister just waived it off, knowing I'm currently jobless. I felt super touched at that gesture. Though it may be a small sum and I still can afford it, this act is truly a kind and sincere act from the heart. I cherish it! It saddens and astounds (or should the cynical me expect it?) that some people have spread false demeaning words about her.

Maybe it's a matter of opinion, surely, everyone is entitled to their opinion about other people... Myself included, I tend to dislike strongly some characters who rub me the wrong way, and don't mind telling others exactly what I think, too, in a sense I pride myself for being blase and unhypocritical... But the word that she was called, 'desperate', is honestly, mean, and uncalled for, and to probe, there is no supporting evidence to support this name-calling. Is there anything in her actions that warrant such an insinuation? From a neutral perspective, outsider point of view, I would say none of her actions describe that in the least.

We have our speculations on the perpetrator, and despite what may be her/his best intentions (I really cannot think of any), insulting someone does not do him/her any favors with anyone. Plus, even if what you say was supposed to be treated in strictest confidence, too bad, it's already out... So, it's either the case of the pot calling the kettle black(she is more desperate!!!), the person has some selfish agenda(tearing down people's reputation), or is just a tiresome-nature kind of person. Whatever the case, I do not want to speculate further. Hopefully this person will change her/his tune and his heart as well.

My favor tends to smile on those 'siwun' looking guys, wearing specs, mostly engineers somehow, clean cut and no loud colors, dependable guys. In fact, many of them are my lifetime friends and buddies. I tend to appreciate their straightforward view on life and their kind heart as a friend. But not all 'siwun' guys can be trusted.

I mentioned about 2 years back, one ex-auditor from XXXX co, whom I got acquainted as a biz contact, through a church friend. Not knowing him well, (he was about to marry her ex-classmate and cellmate) she thought the introduction would be beneficial for me. But I was taken for a ride, in a sense - he leveraged on my contacts, I found a contract staff for him, my friend, to work, and he did not pay her, eventually delaying a month's payment by 3 weeks'. This may be commonplace you might think in the biz world. I came to know of other people almost being cheated by him, or at the very least being made use of. His modus operandi: depending on his churchy links to link people to him, and his 'siwun' 'nature' to make people want to help him.

And this guy is now a leader in The Church, shocking isn't it? I can tell of more than one instance that some guys with skeletons in their closets or even psychological problems are made leaders, I just wonder how far they can go. Another 'siwun' guy in our midst, recently set tongues wagging with his insistence of asking a young girl out for dinners and communicating with her almost everyday. This might be hearsay and knowing the guy, it baffles me how he can do this, having just gotten attached to another 'siwun' girl. Some guys need to share their hearts with young girls? I can say that thankfully on the young girl's part, she is naturally hesitant and so far, have not gone out with him. BUT... for the guy's character, what light does it cast on him? These sms-es have made her feel harassed enough to share with one friend, thereby causing others to have a bad opinion of him. Does his girlfriend know? And... sorry to be skeptical, but I'm sure, it has happened or will happen to more than one girl. Knowing guys' nature all too well.

So hearing about these instances in the last few days, I really think that we should not think the best of everyone and share your secrets with them, getting labelled as 'desperate', or worse. And for girls who have been cheated or made use of by 'siwun' guys, hope you don't marry one such fellow... I'm glad that TheBoyfriend does not have the tendency to call young girls out for a chat, I should know, I've been meeting him every day... ... =)

Everybody likes hello kitty

There are so many sanrio characters and I remember in japanese shopping malls, I used to stare for ages at the lovely displays of Kerokeroppi, Hello Kitty, Badbatzmaru, Kikilala, Pochacco, Mymelody, just to name a few. Being extorbitantly expensive for middle income parents - buying a $9 pencil is out of the question, (although my lavish mom did buy me a Kerokeroppi plush that I loved hugging...it cost around $35 which was, and still is, quite a huge sum for a medium sized plush toy) I could only gaze wonderingly at the inaccessible paraphernalia and thus, love them in a way that I would want to buy them for my own when I have the income. Maybe for most girls there was this deep desire too. That's why we would always pause and look at the Hello Kitty displays and some adults turn out to be hard-core collectors.

But that aside, there is also the question of why did Hello Kitty capture worldwide love and international recognition, while most of the rest of the characters remained obscure?

In those days, the late 80s, all characters were given equal shelf-space, later of course, even now, when you walk into the sanrio departments of various places in asia, it seems some of them have disappeared for good. Only Hello Kitty seems to be rising in popularity... hmm, why so?

It seems that the simple explanation is, 'everyone loves hello kitty'.

It's the same with people.

Everyone seems to identify with, and thus love, certain people. Our favorites.

Some people seem to irk almost everyone. Some call these people hypocrites. Showy-characters...not overtly obnoxious, if you know them on the surface level they seem to be nice people really.

We find kindred spirits in those friends who agree with us on the character traits of certain individuals - not merely agreeing, but vehemently stating their likes and dislikes of the individuals. Could it be that we surround ourselves with people who agree with us? On the other hand, it could be also that our friends observe life the same way we do. Thus, they have the same misgivings.

For the un-hello kitty like people, they often 'engineer politics'. I'm sure most of them do not do it on purpose, perhaps it's their innate functioning of their brain or molecules that causes some things they say and do to be more...political. (They should join the government?)

Primarily because I'm not such a person, what they do irks me. As the chinese says, 'kan ren de' (see people, one.) They go out of their way to act nice to people with greater clout or those who are of use to them. But once you are out of their league of interest, the tap runs cold and you are sadly, often ignored. But when you are back in the league, they turn their smile on a few notches higher. Of course, all of us are like that. When we are introduced to say, a doctor, we do light up a little and give him a well-respected look, as compared to say, a moneylender. Some would not know how to react to that, and have it written all over their faces as well, isn't that so?

But for the political people, we sometimes feel we are being stepped on or shoved aside to make way for their own agendas to better themselves. Thus we have contempt and disgust for them. It's in the subtle nuances that we can detect such a political attitude. They are the people we love to hate, the ones whom if we hear a slight bit of controversy, or scandal, we can't help but gloat a bit... which is quite healing for our soul, especially if we have been trodden over, used, manipulated or oversighted by them. I really wonder what their children would be like or grow up to be having such parents. One thing for sure, I wouldn't let my kids play with theirs.

On Love and Marriage, again

I wanted to write about one of the key, if not imperative ingredients for a marriage to last - the main thing is that... the man you marry, has to be of a good character. 

Almost everyone has this topic of love or relationships on their mind. I met up with a lady friend, she shared with me her ups and downs of relationships for 8 years. Another friend, a guy, who knows The Boyfriend and me, separately, wanted to know our story - how we met, started to like each other, and went out. And I mentioned to him that almost all girls do feel insecure at the beginning of the relationship. Perhaps of emotional issues like past hurts, or seeing some relationships go awry after a short time, girls, myself, we do hold back a little, at the start. But I mentioned to my close guy friend that The Boyfriend showed a strong decision by telling his leaders immediately about me and met up with his parent and extended family too. In fact, he met with my parents too in the first month we were seeing each other. It's this confidence that leads me to trust him more and also feel secure in our love. 

Speaking about love, I also feel that one of the ways a marriage will break up is that one party does not feel as strongly about the other party. May I be so bold to say that that party does not really love the intended, who, sadly, loves them with his whole heart. You may well wonder, as well as I, in this case, then why marry? But for some women, they feel secure in a man's love and being in a relationship. When they see all their friends getting hitched, they feel the pressure or the desire and thus settle down with the man. Sad but true, it happens both ways as well... I've heard the news about impending nuptials for one such sad case. Through the lady's actions in the past, she has shown she is not capable of loving the man, nor having a good character. In short, she has left the man and the relationship on two occasions when the man was in need, the last, when he was in financial distress, and caused him to fall into a deep state of depression as well. I'm not saying I make a good girlfriend, but in this instance, I would stand by my man and even lend him money knowing he will not be able to return. But for this sad story, the girl not only left him, but got attached quickly to another. I also wondered how this could be, as for me, it would be impossible to fall in love again in such a short time. I felt it would be shortchanging the next fellow. Some simplistic explanation would be, that the lady 'opened the door', gave the next chap some chances while she already had in mind to end the relationship. In fact, they broke up during this time 2 years ago, christmas time, and he was on course for 3 weeks, after that when he wanted to patch up with her, to his utter shock and horror, she was with another chap. Although I am not personally acquainted with the lady, I have to say all the facts are true, and hearing this story I can only say that his only fault is that he fell in love with the wrong girl. Even his family is against the marriage, and some people who know, also feel the same way as me. In this case, I have no hopes that it will be a happy marriage, and I am sad. We had talked before, about us hanging out as marrieds, taking care of each other's children, he and my husband chatting while his wife and myself go out shopping together, it seems like a wonderful dream of a happy life, but in reality, my guess is that he will be happy only for a little while. Given her nature, I don't think it's long before he will end up miserable again. And even sadder, he might kill himself. If she does leave him alone again, I think we have to accept that he might jump, or just decide to end it all. The Bible states the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. In fact, his peace of mind has already been stolen. So the next time, it might be a really sad and unhappy ending. 

This might be a controversial statement to make, but Pastor said that he believed strongly, any relationship can be reconciled. Any issues, can be worked upon and resolved. 

But for some cases there might not be such a simple resolution. If, in the first place, one party does not or cannot love the other, how? Or, if the other's character is really not good, what sort of quality of life can you expect to have together? In these cases, being alone might be better. If you have ever been close friends with people who are about to divorce and hearing them throughout, you know that they really suffer. Whether they have been unfaithful or not, or in any case, both sides really suffer, the pain of seeing their marriage fall apart. In my book, it's better to remain single than to marry the wrong guy. Seeing my friend make such a mistake, it's difficult for me, too.

I heard of a high-profile couple whom most of us know, they are getting a divorce. Apparently, although the reason was not widely publicized, and we do not care to speculate, because, as all of us know, there is not just one main reason alone, IE ' he has been unfaithful' to cause that to happen. It's sad but I am glad to hear that, many people have come up and said testimonies about his character. That whether he is a 'divorcee', a taboo in our christian circle, they still respect him for who he is and what he has done for them. I think my friends are brave in saying so. I was once entangled in a situation which left many people thinking it was a 'love affair gone wrong'. No matter how much I protested my innocence, those who are high-profile all disappointed me by trying to be 'neutral' and not supporting either party. 

Only those true friends stood by me when I was down: KK (and FL) took me out for suppers on Sunday nights where the feelings would overwhelm, DZ sang songs to me was there every public holiday to accompany; RS shared some life lessons of her own via email - when we were only 'hi-bye' friends and she did not even know me well, I was really touched. It takes guts to share some things you don't want others to know, and also guts to trust me that it remains safe with me...

YH made sure I came for service by smsing me every Saturday and even though busy with the youth, he made sure there was always an empty seat beside him for me in case I wanted some company, JC was there and went the extra mile by finding out things I couldn't have and helping me so much, others smsed me and met me from time to time. Truly in such crisis, you know which friends are there for you, who has the strength of character that even though you are in some scrape, they bother. I think it shows how good a person they are, and also because of maybe similar experiences, they are in the position to help me. 

I was saying that in this day and age, you can't find 'lifetime friends' anymore.

But I think now, I know where to look!   

On Love and Marriage

Penpal sent me this excerpt from CS Lewis' writings on Love that was the chicken soup for my soul this week.

'Knowledge can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go.
And in fact, whatever people say, the state called 'being in love'
usually does not last. If the old fairy tale ending 'They lived
happily ever after' is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty
years exactly as the day before they were married', then it says what
probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly
undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for
even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your
sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need
not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense - love as distinct
from 'being in love' - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity,
maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit;
reinforced by (in Christian marriage) the grace which both partners
ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other
even at those moments when they do not like each other, as you love
yourself even when you do not like yourself. Then can retain this love
even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love'
with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise
fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on
this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the
explosion that started it.'

We all have expectations in life, me being me, I think my expectations are quite high. But then again, I've realised that in developing my thinking to a certain extent, I've sort of neglected the 'active' parts of learning, like learning how to cook, how to swim, how to drive, even, some of the most basic life skills one would say you would need to survive today. Instead, I do take a certain pride in learning how to listen, how to communicate effectively and make good friendships, how to be kind, how to appreciate what we have so easily. In the face of building my character, I am often unimpressed, disgusted as well, at some of the what we would say 'ugly Singaporean' character in some of my friends. If we do not take the love of God into the equation, I do feel that some of the ones not in The Church have show a much better disposition. I've been brought up to expect a certain way of how women are treated by men, as friends, at the very least, should be concerned enough in certain measures. Yet I guess most Singaporean guys are self-centred in the way that they put themselves first in this area. I can't help but to be quite offended and disgusted by some of their moves, I do feel ashamed to be their friends.

The Boyfriend cooked a nice dinner for me today, I had chicken wings, veggie dish and a lovely chicken soup which I couldn't stop drinking from. Being sick, I'm thankful for the TLC in this way. It's not an easy task to cook a delicious meal.

the journey

It's often been said, Life is a journey. And I'm realizing how true that is, these days.

I'm feeling the world-weariness of it all, wondering if where I am is where I'm supposed to be right now. I'm sure this feeling does take hold of almost all of us at times. When bad things befall us. Maybe a natural disaster, a loss of loved one/s, some terminal illness, or new beginnings. I wonder if it's a better place for me to work in a secure (government or otherwise) job, keeping my head low, doing my work and end of the day, not much personal, emotional issues, and I am secure in the fact I can retain a comfortable salary and a comfortable life. But I don't know if this is what I want. Just a few years ago, I was in a more confident position, at the start of my career. I wanted to be entrepreneurial and work hard for startup companies or doing something creative, meaningful and at the end of the day make many connections. I had cherished hopes of being a travel host as I was promised, of doing something significant.

Ministry was going well too when each week I saw my cell getting more new people, until we had to break into different parts of the host's house - 2 groups in the hall, 1 in the dining area and 1 in the walkway. I remember the exciting and difficult times. The Boyfriend asked me if I would support him if he were to venture into starting his own business. A few years ago, I would have not hesitated, and said, go ahead, I will support you in whatever you choose to do for your life. But now, I am scared. Dealings with sleazebags who try to find loopholes have left me apprehensive about going into that kind of industry. I recall a time when I helped someone's (a church friend!) startup find a temp staff who happened to be my close friend(also in same church). Who knows, when the contract was over, the startup boss used all kinds of excuses not to pay the worker. Stating that the performance was not satisfactory, he haven't calculated the compensation, something wrong with the check...He kept my friend waiting for almost a month after she finished the job. This is not right, is it? It's true you meet all sorts of people, the 'little' and the 'great' - those 'little' ones 'belittle you', the 'great ones make you great' - a friend had wrote. I was thinking, how true. But sadly we are surrounded by more little ones than great ones. Maybe my thinking now is to cling on to a stable job with a good income until it runs dry, rather than finding a passion which I love doing. And in rational-thinking that might well be better for my bank account and my personal, emotional state.

There are many things that can make people depressed or 'down', big things, small things, sometimes I find that despite all efforts to keep cheerful (After all, there isn't anything major happening that can cause me to feel sad), I feel a melancholy of sorts, a kind of anxiety when I think about the near future. True, there are many things that can go wrong, like unexpected accidents, or changes in company or even government policy. But... ...nothing's gone wrong yet, nor should I have the doomsday approach and think of the worst-case scenario in everything. It's nice to know there are options to consider, and nice to know of friends who will pray.

Maybe it's just past issues that suddenly creep up, or the overwhelming feeling that although it all seems good, it is not. As all Christians would say, hold on to God's promises. And count your blessings. I am trying to...

a ranting state of mind.

How you treat others, as well as how I treat the people around me, is somewhat of importance to me. It's like what's been said about Etiquette by 'Miss Manners',

"You can deny all you want that there is etiquette, and a lot of people do in everyday life. But if you behave in a way that offends the people you're trying to deal with, they will stop dealing with you...There are plenty of people who say, 'We don't care about etiquette, but we can't stand the way so-and-so behaves, and we don't want him around!' Etiquette doesn't have the great sanctions that the law has. But the main sanction we do have is in not dealing with these people and isolating them because their behavior is unbearable."

I have seen some people whose behavior is, well, mystifying.

They seem to hate their job. But I wondered whether, if they change jobs, would it still be the same? My guess is, they will continue to be miserable and make others miserable. Getting some negative vibes from those who hate their job/life, it's truly not pleasant to be in their company.

I had a sudden deep thought while ironing my casual-work-wear top in preparation for work, the other day.

I can say, perhaps proudly, that I don't care for Money. That Money is not a motivating factor for me, likewise, I don't go for branded clothes, I'm more about the quality and value for the price point. So maybe I'd like to think of myself as someone whom Money is not a motivating factor. However, if it were put to me, in this way, so why not I take up a job in a non-profit, earning ... peanuts... but doing something really meaningful for animals, people, or even the environment? Would I go for it? And the answer is... ... No. Sadly, I still think that you have to be paid what you're worth, or thereabouts. Although I think that yes, I could subsist on the meagre income, and yes, it would be very fulfilling at the end of each day to see lives change, at the end of it all, I will still feel a lack of pride that I'm working here where I could be having a more classy job somewhere else. Isn't that so, for most of us? I've seen men who work in the non-profits, some are married, even with kids, and I think that is a noble act of sacrifice. However, I wonder if the kids eventually will think highly of their father for choosing this path and not one which will enable them to be more comfortable financially.

So for me, maybe I cannot say that proudly that Money does not motivate me, or I remain unaffected by Money. I think we do complain a lot because our lives are quite boring here, but seeing the typhoons and earthquakes around the region, seeing maybe your whole wardrobe disappear in the flood, hey, you got to be thankful to be living here and not a few hundred miles away.

So...I aim to be more cheerful in my dealings, and always have, in the back of my mind, to be thankful for these things I have right now.

if you forget me

In front of the Melbourne State Library.

Why do we take photos?

I don't really REALLY like to take photos, except if it is with friends, family or some places I've travelled to. Looking at my photos in Melbourne at the same spots - it was planned earlier by my best friend now staying and working there, of course... I wouldn't be able to know all the places - it seems like these places are familiar to me, even though I don't think I would be able to remember my stay in Melbourne so long ago. At least, what I remembered of the place were not the landmarks and the scenery, but the people, and the places - I had a neighbor's cat who would 'adopt' me in the daytime which made me an instant cat-lover in the duration of the 2 weeks of my stay in the rented house walking distance from Queen Victoria's Market.

For me now, taking photos brings me to a journalistic mood of sorts. Why this need for documenting everyday stuff? I guess we look forward to reviewing our photos and hence, the memories. I spend quite a lot of time looking, collaging, compiling my photos and am proud of the nice shots. Also, I want to look back at the happy times spent, the nice food eaten, basically I treasure the 'here and now'. What we are blessed with, I cannot and will not take for granted.

I know that it is a luxury in many countries around us to just go to a 'restaurant' and have a meal. Yet we do so almost every week, isn't it? And we can easily find nice Japanese restaurants, or other cuisine if we so desire. Even meeting up with close ones - we seem so busy to make the effort at times, yet we do not realize how easy it is for us, just a train ride or a bus ride away to meet with friends. For others, their friends might be miles away yet they still communicate frequently, what gives? All I can say is I realized... it takes two. You might be wanting to catch up with the buddy but said buddy may not have the same on his mind. Usually for me, I suggest, and wait to see what happens. If buddy is keen and pro-active as well, I do look forward to an eventual meeting. If buddy seems reluctant... perhaps hesitant even, well, maybe it's a point of time in his life where he is busy with other stuff. So I just leave it, for now. But I do wonder at the people who don't even bother to reply back! Are they even too busy for the friendship, or... they have not received your sms?

Anyways... I am not like that, and I can say none of my 'true friends' are like that too. I hope...

I am looking forward to taking more meaningful photos.

20 years' ago Emu at Melbourne Zoo. Now, 2 Emus at Weribee Zoo. Below, Swanston St Church of Christ (I think the name is changed now). The only change on the exterior is that the door is painted red. Interior, everything's changed. It looks like a university lecture hall (and it IS used as one! For RMIT students!) Last photo, it's a flower shop along the 'downtown' road. I don' t know if it's the same flower shop, but it's at the same location. It's so nice when people buy flowers for fun!

If you forget me - by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

thoughts on the headship of men in relationships

I heard some lovely news this week. A lady friend of mine informed me she is getting married and invited me to her wedding last quarter of the year.

I was acquainted with her while we were volunteering together in the Tsunami efforts of Dec 2005. We were in a team of 9 that went to Banda Aceh and I had the privilege of staying in the mayor's house as that was the only facility available to house us. Incidentally, one of our team-mates, a lady in her early 30s also got married this May. It seems all so long ago that we were chatting and sharing after each day's work in Aceh - we were building houses - and felt at ease to share about life. They urged me to date while I am still young, perhaps they felt they had missed opportunities, or underlying fears and frustrations they would never find their soulmate.

As they were in their late 20s then, and also not having been in a relationship before, they sort of have the 'if it comes, it comes' mentality. It seems to work for them as they are now very happy even though they had married a bit later than the norm.

In essence, I think this mentality works in a way, contrasted to the 'I can't live without a man' mentality. Somehow guys are always scared away by the women who seem to want to pressure them into some kind of commitment. As me and a married friend were remarking yesterday, we'd rather be happily single if we cannot find our soulmate, then settling for anyone who seems to fit the bill but does not really want us. And for those women who seem to be 'on the hunt' for a mate, they give off a vibe that is actually quite threatening to a more laid-back man. I'm glad I've found Mr A, but we both know if we had not found each other now, at this time we would have probably been still single, and loving it, too.

I think many Singaporean men in The Church are scared when it comes to being in relationships. I wouldn't say real scared- type of scared, perhaps more of having a burdening anxiety. Firstly for those who are not familiar with the ways of women, they are scared of making the woman they love cry, or upset with them. Because they would not know how to react and thus feel 'loserish', and clumsy. Also, there is a huge financial constraint that they have to think about. I think it's only reasonable that the women here expect the guy to have a stable salary - it also shows about his long-term and thus, marriageability prospects. Since once we have kids, it's almost impossible except for the very career-minded and multitasking women to handle both family and career, we women inevitably have to think about this balance in the near future, so subconciously we are seeking stable men. So a women who actually plans ahead is a better choice for the serious-minded man, non? And if your man cannot conceive a long-term future with you, isn't it better not to be with him or consider him? Many 'on the hunt' women seem to forget about that. For my married friend, she and the husband had saved up for about 3 years before, then they could put the downpayment on their marital home. It does take at least two years of careful financial planning, more if you are planning on immediately getting a house upon marriage, she said.

But isn't that the same for most developed countries? I met a European who proudly told me he is debt-free when he was 55, his country having the highest tax rates in the world, most of them are in debt their entire lives. He paid off his small flat and small car (the type like most of us have) and is now free to do whatever he likes. But I'm sure in his younger days, the vast amount of financial burden did not constrain his adventurous mind and capability for enjoyment. A good meal, some nice clothes, I believe all of us can afford that at any executive's salary.

So what are the men afraid of? I think, they are afraid of themselves. Some do not know what they want. So the girls they fancy turn out to be very different species. An ultra sporty girl this month, a quiet and nerdish girl the next, a bubbly and maiden-ish girl the following month. This is not because they are fickle-minded, they just do not know which type suits them, because they do not know themselves well. It would bode them good to find out more about themselves on solitary walks, rather than always being in the shelter of good company.

The men are also afraid of making bold moves (it is only to be encouraged at the right timing of both parties), giving the excuse they are not keen to see the friendship end, pah! I think... I have had friendships with guys that lasted over relationships, some of my friends, I have seen him consecutively getting attached and breaking up; now he is single and I have a boyfriend, it is as if we take turns in our different destinies. Each understands that unless both of us are single we won't have as much time to spend with each other. But our friendship remains strong. Other guys, after we have been friends for years, but because of some minor thing that can be forgotten easily, forsake this friendship. And so all I have are memories, but I am not sad, because each friendship has different twists and turns, if it ends, let it be. It was not meant to be anyways.

==

We are having a rather long weekend because we are going on a photoshoot with our photographers on Tuesday. Yay! The plans for the weekend seems so fantastic and I'm going to relish every little minute drop of time spent with Mr A. When you miss someone everyday, eating lunch together for an hour just doesn't cut it.

Have a great weekend wherever you are, and know that if you are alone you can always find some ways of entertaining yourself, in Singapore or elsewhere, online or off... ...

the men still don't get it.

One of the few lady friends I have remarked to me after the previous post,

'Yes, totally AGREE that we, women always prefer to have BETTER choices.

Well, who doesn't like to have a choice in life? Especially our soulmate.' 

I'm still amazed and terribly happy that I'm able to find a real man who loves me, in Mr A. I always wonder, as a thinker thinks to herself, how can it be possible that two people can find each other and love each other. What are the odds? Some time back, I was acquainted with a nice couple around my age. The girl was gushing to me on how lucky she was she found her Mr Right, and was hopeful of a future together. On the same day, I happened to take the bus back with said Mr Right, as we lived in the same district. Surprisingly, as if he knew what Ms Right had said to me earlier, he mentioned that, his girlfriend seemed to think the world of him and all... ... he is her soulmate, her lifelong dream. But for him, he said that, although he loves her, she is not his soulmate. She is not THE ONE for him. His blunt honestly shocked me to bits and I remembered that for years. I do wonder sometimes, what has happened to him? Has he found his gal?

Meanwhile, the girl has broken up with him, moved out of Singapore, and is now dating a Korean guy so I hope that she has found happiness. Mr A. doesn't really understand about the part where women always prefer better choices. Perhaps in our parent's generation, the network of guys you could pick from was few. And so, you either settled for the one who loved you more and seemed to have a decent character, or you waited until you had to be matchmaked by nosy relatives. But now, having been exposed to different men, not only locally but to 'laowai', to romanticised Korean men, to boyish Taiwanese men... ... we get a little more picky. Just as there are so many options as to what we can apply as makeup on our faces - See, there's foundation, or powdered foundation, or tinted moisturizer, or mineral, or organic, or animal-friendly, or rich in gemstones... ... how to choose? So many options, in our minds. Our lives, and destiny, can totally change if say, we happen to fall in love with a rich (has to be rich) Indonesian Chinese we met in college, and now, living in Jkt, putting on 10 kg because of sedentary lifestyle and tai-tai-ing the days away, having 5 maids to manage and wads of rupiah. 

So now, if you know your guy has a lazy bone, is slacker in nature, been with you for a long time but seems reluctant to propose or to start thinking about the future, a 5-year plan. If your guy just CMI. 

Cannot make it. You can't stand his porkbelly now. You can't stand his lack of personal hygiene. You can't stand his nagging about your lack of CPF in-order to get married and have a HDB and you know you will divorce him if you ever marry him. IF he stands you up during friday night dates, saying he is tired but only said so after you call him after 6pm asking where should we go. CMI!!!

If you can't stand his attitude towards your needs, or he seems to have roving eyes, saying your friends are HOT (but never said that about you.) If you see that he has done it before (been unfaithful)... even though he wants to change, you trust and believe so but the odds are, you have to know, that he will do it again and what will you do then? When he repeats the history which always repeats itself, and time and evidence has always proven so.

Will you leave him, or continue loving him 'till death does us part'? 

We women are not STUPID. All these incidents are true, they have been related to me by women around myself. 

Some wise up and choose a better future for themselves, perhaps the younger ones. The younger ones have less to lose. They are also more willing to 'let go and let God.'

Some choose to stay. And become a totally naggy person. I always wonder why, too. Why they choose to stay. Maybe they think that is the best life has to offer them. 

But if they choose to stay they should also accept his shortcomings because they have accepted that in the past.

Mr A. wanted to know if in future I meet some other guy who has 'all that and more', would I leave this true love, for the other guy? He seemed sulky after I explained about the 'better choices'.

The men really don't get it ah...

Anyways, I have made my choice already! If a woman is not serious about you, she will never agree to certain things... like a 5-year plan with you!!!

Silly Mr A.

charmed

We've been about a month together now, and we had a little celebration last weekend to mark it. 

Was gobsmackedly surprised when Mr A. presented me with a little dog charm! It was the charm I wanted!!! Yay!!!

The week before, while he was doing his 'home-work' at Coffeebucks at The Big Splash, I was reading and had used the Thomas Sabo charm bracelet catalog as a bookmark of sorts, and took it out and placed it on the table. For quite some time now, I have been hankering after the nice charms... I do like charm bracelets and want something I can keep. Tiffany's too expensive (for silver!) in my opinion, but I totally get the feeling when you step into the shop *gasp gasp* or receive one of those blue boxes!!! 

So actually, I planned to buy the charm bracelet and each month add a charm to it... 

Mr A. swiftly spotted the catalog and *gasp gasp* took note of what I said as I was happily chirping away about the nice designs, which one I am considering, etc etc... Think next time I shall not tell him what I like... you know like sometimes you spot something, like rose-colored plates and cutlery, and mention, ooo, that IS nice... not knowing your boyfriend is taking down mental notes...(and actually, you just think it's nice not that you actually want to buy it nor use it) haha. He is soooo sweet, he wanted to buy me the whole bracelet too but I beat him to it! *phew*. 

One of the awesomely good advice Pastor gave us was to find a book - about relationships and growing together, and read it together. That IS good advice. But, the choices of Christian books (and dare I say, secular too) are limited, on this matter. We went to both a Christian bookshop and the bookshop in Raffles City which earns the most money from me... there were abundant choices for those "Oh God why am I still single" people, with titles like 'Make every man want you' (why would you want that?) 'How not to meet jerks', 'single men are like waffles...' and even 'how to plan for a wedding if you have less than 3 months'!!! (Wonder what would anyone say to that!!!) The christian books were mainly for marrieds, like how to keep the flame alive after a year, after kids, after he's been unfaithful, etc. Otherwise there were limited books, of which I've read most already, like Josh Harris', and the quintessential 'Boundaries in Dating'. (Which in my opinion is REALLY good just that I didn't like the new cover. Bleah. Why are old covers always nicer than newer ones and why don't they just stick to the nicer one...)

Anyways Mr A. bought '5 love languages' and since it's been some time since I last read it, I shall read it again at Coffeebucks this weekend. 

I read this article online, about understanding your partner's love language, from a newsletter I e-subscribe to. I've read it before, but now, again, it gives a different context - more reality-nitty-gritty now, as I'm in an actual relationship compared to when I was ... imagining that I was? 

http://drbenkim.com/articles-lovelanguage.html

For women when it comes to issues of the heart, I think we are much more sensitive - although we try our darndest not to be, but a little thing like him wrenching his head away from you when you pucker up for a kiss (he was jokingly doing that I mean) may make us feel bewildered and a bit sad. 

Of course we don't want to seem that we are being uptight and petty so we just let it fall by the wayside but maybe next time we will be slightly more reluctant to ... pucker up.

So I think knowing your own love language also helps in relationship communication in that sense. Though I've known myself for so long, I'm still quite clueless as to which I'd like to give or to receive. Can I choose all of the above? 

Yesterday I also received note that my friend's about to wed. Yay! Though I wouldn't claim to be very close to her or to know her well, I'm really really happy for her. I remember that I was one of the first she shared her joy with then last year when he proposed, and hearing her elated being emanating from google-chat (amazing right!) I also felt a warm bubble of happiness seeping through my soul. Ah, weddings are lovely... They are both rather well-planned, meticulous and methodical people so their website... is something I've bookmarked if I need some help next time. Not really being involved in people's weddings apart from singing and helping with the creative part, I am rather intrigued to see the lengths of which they have prepared for their day. They even have customized rings!!!! I ALSO WANT!!! (http://www.fairysinc.com/) 

I once knew a guy (not knowing him very well)... he actually bought his rings from one of the most... 'cheapo' or... brand is not very well-positioned brand in Singapore... not Taka Jewellery... it's Citigems! =( Worse, he told me (proudly) he used his sister's member card and got 30% off. =( Worse, I knew that his family is not poor one, landed property alright... some couples, they are not earning much, but at least can buy Lee Hwa? Even Goldheart also not bad, right? Since it's a wedding ring, and you're going to wear it until you can't fit, or at least for the first few years, buy something more worth it... I'm not a brand snob but I was rendered speechless when he bought his rings at... ...nevermind. 

The organized couple:

http://www.davidvera.superweds.com  

The customized rings:

http://www.fairysinc.com/

The relationship article:

http://drbenkim.com/articles-lovelanguage.html

Hee... I like my new charm bracelet.

sporty together

Pianist has supported me throughout the 'love story of my life' (it's nicee to have friends to share in these moments) so here's one he will like:

(relating it to Mr A.)

Me:

"Hey, Pianist suggested us doing sports together... I said we didn't do any sports yet... He suggested gym but I think gym is a very individual sport, then he suggested that I 'rah rah' you... "Lift more weights! Do it for the sake of our future children... etc..."

Mr A. 

"I know what sport we can do."

Me:

"What sport? I'm not very sporty le..."

Mr A.

"bedminton"

Me:

"Nooooooooooooooo...!!!"

It was a singles' game... now we can play doubles.

*please take all jokes with a pinch of salt like the happy carefree relaxed people we all are.

a guide to dressing well (and looking good in photographs) while overseas

I went to Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, in the start of winter where when it's not too chilly, temperature can be about 15 deg, nice and aircon like - and when it's cold with the foggy weather it can be chilly of 9 deg or less. Being low-fat and always traveling light, here's how to wear stuff so you can pack light and still look good in photos. Oh, and it always helps to have a windbreaker with a light sponge inside. Here, I borrowed one from my friend. Nice road at the 'Little Italy' in Melbourne. I never saw any other roads that looked as nice as this one so when you spot a nice photographic moment, you have to carpe diem!



Day 1:
I bought 2 sweaters for the trip so this is my first one, a raspberry sweater from Nafnaf. I'm quite scared of getting a chill so I wore a undershirt under my black long-top.
These tights are 120 denier, looks classy for night or day and in my opinion, warmer and better looking than jeans. And I added a little black vest from Muji which surprisingly helps to keep warm... I will mix and match these outfits for nice photos as it progresses...



Day 2:
Still wearing the raspberry sweater, went to Philip Island and did a lot of walking so opted for jeans - I did wear thin knee stockings inside to be safe.

Day 3:
Just walking around the bohemian parts of Melbourne and it was not foggy, which means less cold. I wore a black bubble dress underneath the striped sweater and the vest and leggings.

Day 4:
Visited a church and a sunday flea market at St Kilda's beach. in this getup. It's Day 2's top, just that I wore it ,worn under the striped sweater. And leggings, instead of stockings. I bought a scarf from Target because the Daiso one just doesn't cut it.

Day 5:
Stockings with the black bubble dress and raspberry sweater at Ballarat. The white scarf... I love it. Inexpensive and furry and keeps me warm! On windy days it really freezes up your neck especially if you have short hair. Here, in a mock town, 18th century bar which stirs up a saucy pose in me...


Back to jeans for easy walking in a shopping area. Was getting used to the cold so it's just a hooded tee underneath (which came in handy when it started to shower.)

Having studied in design school, I tend to be quite 'tasty' when buying clothes. Shopping is no enjoyable pasttime for me, it's more of like a hawk swooping down on it's prey when it spots a tender, juicy, succulent one... I like bright colors but too often I tend to choose the combi of navy-gray-black that my whole wardrobe looks depressed. I think some people took my one-off comment on dressing well a bit too emotionally. I was just remarking, you could say 'highlighting' the fact that some guys in my midst dress a little too dowdily for the event or occasion they're going for. Maybe they are corporately uptight during work hours (I can wear almost anything I want except when meeting corporates) so they wanna relax after-hours. But I wanted to highlight that dressing dowdily not only catches the attention of the opposite gender in an 'un-tasty' light, it also gives yourself a negative reinforcement. As you would like other people to focus on your good points, therefore. accentuate (not over-emphasize though!) the good points you have through good dressing.

Mr A. always looks spiffy in his dressing (being tall and dark, helps) and I always find it a pleasure to walk beside him, girls tend to be a bit more secure knowing that the guy did make a bit of effort in choosing the clothes to wear. And it needs not be expensive, or glamourous. Just be NICE! (I mean the clothes...) Imagine, if the girl you like always sees you in old, faded, 'homeclothes' style... even though you are young, dashing and suave inside... she will never see it inside! 

(Oooh... I am very excited. Mr A. wants to bring me to places...he said he will bring me to a live band playing near the Sg Flyer area. This week, we are going to a nice sandwich bar in The Office area, take a walk by the Cavenagh bridge, go shopping at uniqlo, and spend one weekend afternoon 'relaxing'. Whee! whee! And he told me he looks forward to my 'bonjour' sms everyday! Muahaha.)

Kinds of dressing (young)girls don't like: boring old polo tees, shorts that show your white-chickeny legs, faded and old shapeless teeshirts that looks as though you have worn it for years, anything that screams 'boring' or 'cannotmakeit'. No "2 by 4" hairstyles too... or those that come right out from the 80s.

Kinds of dressing (young)girls like: shirts are always a crowd pleaser. Loafers. Beige loafers. Shoes in a color other than black. Anything from Zara. Or PullandBear (for me!)

 

Like the white knight in shining armor, your armor has to dazzle her... just that little bit.

  

oreo

Me with Mr A.'s Golden Retriever puppy stuffed toy. He named it Oreo, I think. So cute, hor.

Alright. I'm going to Australia soon. Fingers crossed. I won't actually be too excited until I really reach there. 

Kinda hectic over the last few days trying to allocate my work to an assistant (hyuks!) and packing and all. I don't have many 'winter collection' clothes either. So actually bought 2 sweaters - a raspberry colored one (So that when I eat raspberries over there, the stain will not show, hee...) and a striped one which has angora (wabbit fur! sobs!) in it. I was warned that it could be quite cold, so I hope those will be enough.

Going to really try to... take in all the sights and sounds I could possibly do in a week.

I think I miss Mr A. already. He's been bogged down with work, as usual. But... it would be nice to hear his voice one more time before I go... *gulp*. I wonder if the absence will do us good, or make it weird, like... don't know what to say after some time... awkward silences and all. We'll see.

I leave you with some pick-up lines before doing the last thing for the day, wiping my office desk and arranging the papers stashed onto it into some semblance of harmony.

These are christian pick up lines so... feel free to use them!

One of my favorites, as spoken (jokingly of course) by Mr. A:

"Let's tithe together."

Christian pick up lines!

1. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"

2. (Serious tone) "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."

3. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."

4. "I would like to pray with you."

5. (To ladies) "Excuse me, I think one of your ribs belongs to me."

6. "Hi, my name is Will ... ...God's Will."

7. When I saw you, I knew the true meaning of 'rejoice and be glad'.

8. If Eve was tempted by an apple then you must be my fruit.

9. How would you like to join my purpose-driven life?

10. Would you like to come to my place... my parents are at home.

Haha. And with that, I bid adieu.

agreed

My first 'pet' - neighbor's cat in Melbourne. Going there next week, after 20 years since my first stay. I'm so chic lasttime with the sunny yellow top, stonewash jeans and... bubblegummers shoes.

Today, while chatting to Mr A, I mentioned that I had a headache (I think due to a stiff neck) for some days...

He asked: "Did you have late nights?"

I replied: "All my late nights are with you."

We both "!!!"

Haha, I meant phone conversation like until 1 am, for 3 days this week. I think, that is already kind of pushing my limits - and his. He has to wake up earlier, so I feel truly bad for yakking until we are both like... mumbling nonsense. I also realise that I tend to speak what's on my mind - like the really nice and sweet stuff, when I am half-concious. One of those nights, I requested a little lullaby from him, and he obliged. Hee, the memory of it now gives me little bubbles inside.

Oh...and somehow, we have both agreed on everything so far. =( I mean, it's not that I'm happily agreeing to everything he says, and vice versa. Those who know me know I have strong opinions and will not hesitate to opine them when I feel so. Mr A. thought that perhaps, I agree with his opinions because he voice them out first. Well, I do take kindly to others' views as well, and perhaps may 'align' mine with their own. But still, I've never met anyone whom I agree with so well.

So we decided to find some topics to disagree upon.

His colleagues were having some discussion about 'marriage issues' so he posted them to me. One was about money - in Vietnam, the custom was the husband give the wife all his salary, what was my view about that? The other one was a question which I think many people had vastly strong opinions about - depending on their upbringing, or mostly, I feel, it depends on their age. Would you be willing to live with the guy and the in-laws?

Umm. I think most people my age have strong opinions that they would. not. live. with. in-laws.

But for me, actually I've always assumed that not only would I have to - but I actually want to.
Because, I find that a house with two people is... too quiet. And, as I've mentioned before, it would be really thrilling for me to learn from the mother-in-law, how she cooks fish, how she lives in her older-generation way...I think there is much to learn, for me. Even grandmothers, I do secretly relish the thought of living with these women if I have the chance to, and learn their ways. I don't see myself as a submissive woman, but rather how my life will be enriched, as opposed to living on my own. How nice, to learn from the mother-in-law, how to cook her son's favorite dishes! And to learn other wifely things too. =)

So, after these 'deep issues' questions... we still agreed on everything!!! Initially he thought that I am the agreeable one, so he made me say my opinions first before he said his. But after all I said, he totally agreed. It totally amazes me that we are so 'like-minded' because, character-wise, we are very, very different. And not really complementary per se.

I wonder, if one day we will run out of things to talk about. We are still talking about 'danga bay' - the place where we met and got acquainted briefly. I think it's nice to have someone agree with you on things, and I also think it's important in the long run, if we do have one.

about the good of not knowing

Random picture. But the story behind the author is interesting...like how she never fell in or out of love and yet could write such a story - she was just out of school, I think, when she wrote that.

Which goes to show that life experiences aren't all that, after all?

I wrote last week in 'shared narratives' on how I would be totally freaked out if I met Mr A, most unexpectedly, for instance, while at the market in drab homewear and uncombed hair.

Well...

Following some unheard of cosmic law, the unexpected always happens right? And last week, whom should I purview, sitting at the next table, having dinner, in one of Singapore's oldest residential estates?

If what I write always comes true like that (although, I was quite nicely dressed)...what should I write about?

Ms Cheerful asked me today,

'Remember that day you were telling me about the coincidences you had with Mr A? What did you think of them... I've always thought that there are no coincidences, that it is always God at work... ...'

A small part of me echoes that, too. Yes! Orchestrated by God, how wonderful...then , isn't it common that we would want to believe it to be true?

*small sigh*

I now know that there is a good point to the uncertainty of things, 'the good of not knowing'. Imagine then, how vastly different my life would have turned out if I had made some choices (that to tell the truth, were not difficult to make.)

If I hadn't attended that event (and kenna sabotaged to be onstage.)

If my boss hadn't left (and I needed a shoulder to cry on.)

If Mr A did not appear in a singular photo with me in that whole event.

If I had not tagged him.

If he did not private message me.

If I did not reply.

If he was not mistakenly thinking that I had added him into my Tag team because I cc'ed him...

Then we would not pray for each other...and share...and, hee hee hee...

Anyways, here's something I read today:

The Good of Not Knowing (by John Ortberg, my fave author, in 'God is Closer than you think')

George MacDonald wrote a book about a pastor named Thomas Wingfold, who is troubled by doubt and his inability to KNOW God is present. He decides to make his life an experiment in seeking simply to follow Jesus in spite of his doubts. At one point he is caring for a dying man who has come to faith through his influence. "I wish I could come back after I die," the man tells Wingfold, "so you could be delivered from doubts and know FOR SURE about the faith."

Then Wingfold says the words that have stayed with me ever since.

"No - even if you could, I wouldn't want you to. I would not see him one moment before he thought best. I'd rather have THE GOOD OF NOT KNOWING"

...It has never occurred to me before that there might be a reason for uncertainty - a good of not knowing. I thought of that line again years later when my daughter came into my room. She had applied to college and was desperate to find out if she had gotten in to her top choice.

It struck me, as we talked, that the 'uncertainty period' was a unique opportunity for growth. If she were able to live with confidence and joy even when she did not yet know if she'd get what she hoped for, a kind of strength would be formed in her soul that would never get formed there if she found out the answer right away.

There is a good of not knowing.

=) And with that, I lay my thoughts at peace.

Chosen

" Every happy ending is the same.
Every sad story is different. "

A dear colleague told me that.

I cannot get this statement out of my mind. Perhaps it encourages me, to persevere on for mine.

Being in sad situations, one thing I am thankful for, are the guys who are around, my friends.

Having guy friends who are slightly older than me, I observe their lives, their career paths and relationship choices and, I have learnt. I've always looked forward to the age where we will proceed with our second stage in life - this year, TBO is turning 30; Kie, 29 - and it seems that it was only yesterday that we were all still young and...more spirited. Was chatting with TBO the other day and I reminded him, hey, I'm not 19 anymore...I'm grown up now.

I've made a new friend recently and I'm glad for his presence in my life. I am actually apprehensive about making new guy friends - have always kept a distance from 'newer guys' like Nono, IcedMountain, and others, not really sharing my thoughts, not really taking an interest in their lives either - not wanting to take the friendship into a deeper level.

So I was touched when Alkitab, sitting next to me, sensed that I was...not myself, and availed himself with a sincere concern. Few people are like that - attuned, and wanting to...minister. Most of us are more self-centred. Everyone loves to listen to sad stories, to analyze and give their two cents' worth, but how many people actually feel for the person who is experiencing it? I'm okay now, it's just an upset-ness that has prevailed for a long time now, precisely because I allow myself to feel for others, and I do realize NOW that actually, NOT seeing Zero is so much better because I.am.not.affected.when.I.do.not.see.him. His problems are not mine, but I have been like that too, in the past.

Haven't I also used Kie as a punching bag and forsaking him, although not in such a dramatic manner, without even a word of apology? So, in the same instance, when someone who is a friend I really care about calls me for help, shouldn't I avail myself although I can predict the outcome - and the long-term outcome, perhaps.

And I feel sad, more for him, because, it's going to be the same outcome for what he is doing, give or take a few years. He will never be happy. Doesn't he realize that for one love relationship to end abruptly, and another to begin almost consecutively, means that the girl, has already thought about it for months before, and has made certain choices for certain actions to lead to this state of affairs? I'm not one to judge or comment but, I will never do such a hurtful thing to someone I love...Not to him, nor to the other guy. And EVEN if I don't love him, I would also not do that, I just cannot imagine that.

I really thank God for Alkitab being around then, maybe only he noticed that he was on the verge of tears. I hope to repay this kindness debt one day. I always joke with Kie and the rest that Alkitab is "my best friend replacement"(because he also shares some characteristics with him, and is ... similar in ways which we can bond - ie he choses whom he wants to share with and whom he just doesn't want to talk to... me too, lah) - but I really do enjoy the company... and the encouragement. And the singing. And the smiling...

My dear colleague also told me some 'truths that set me free' - one, that I was VERY idealistic when it came to (all sorts of) relationships. It hit me, because firstly, that's so very true! I tend to write off people who have no imagination - or people who just seem...boring. Later on I realize their good points. It's getting harder (as I get older?) to really, really really love someone. Maybe I've already given my heart away, or the small crack is getting bigger.

And aren't these the choices in life everyone must face? To choose between carrying on, or moving forward? To settle for a comfortable life over one which is full of passion and excitement but no stability? To choose the father of your kids, to choose the type of environment you want to create a home in - to choose between staying or leaving - all these choices ultimately brings us to one conclusion, that is...

Is it gonna be a happy ending? Or a bittersweet one?

For those who have the power to make such choices, be glad that you can.
Many of the people I've seen - those who have never invested themselves into anything - those who are only living as shadows; they have limited choices - or perhaps, none.

I'm so upset over Zero because he has taken away a bit of myself and I wonder when I can redeem it, or if I can redeem anything, at all.

I'll be home for Christmas

Am privileged to see snow this year january, in Japan, for the first time in my life I saw snow! All the more privileged because it wasn't supposed to snow then. This is from the tatami guesthouse at Lake Kawaguchi. Mt Fuji's supposed to be in the backdrop but due to the heavy snow flurries, we couldn't see it from the window. Still, a pictureseque sight, no?

I feel happy drawing smiley faces on Christmas cookies... quite flattered when Clone's husband thought the cookies are from Famous Amos. Hee... it's nice to provide food like my usual yearly marshmallows... somehow spending hours cooking chocolately stuff just makes me feel so happy.

Mr BestFriend is overseas.

He says he'll be home for christmas. *soft sigh*

Although how much of that time I can actually spend with him, remains to be seen.

It's strange how my brain, the memory storage outlet, can remember certain things more vividly than others. I remembered last year at the same time on friday, we were supposed to meet, and go to church for the special presentation, but he couldn't make it due to the high-profile work, so we went on saturday instead, the saturday which was exactly one year ago.

And this year, LIKE last year, he also asked me... "Rach, what do you want for christmas?" *happy that he asked* Which I said the same thing as last year too http://spiritedly3.blogspot.com/2007_11_01_archive.html , haha, couldn't resist hearing his response and imagining what his expression would be like!! (We were on the phone.)

Maybe here, I should explain why this friendship means so much to me. During certain points of times in your lives, you make friends that will be around for a lifetime. Maybe on and off you guys cease to meet, but each time you find the time to meet up, you both pick up from where you've left off. And... you know that they are the kind of people you want in your life. Always concerned enough to meet you late at night for supper or pray with you on the phone until you are soothed, etc... You know they'll won't miss your wedding for the world, you'll know you want them to be at the hospital to witness the birth of your child, sans makeup; and they'll always compliment your cooking, always check to see if you're alright, always be there.

Because of all the bad decisions and emotional downturns I've been through just the past year, I was reluctant to again share my life with other guys I did not know, knowing that deep down inside, those kinda guys are only around for a seasonal period, and then after they have departed, you find that you can't really remember them or even recall why were you so close to them in the first place. Right.

But because we have experienced similar yet different stuff at the same time, we found that we could comprehend and begin to make sense of what happened, and moving forward.

I know that some people find it difficult to encourage others, IE, how can I encourage others in relationship-matters when mine has also recently failed? How can I encourage someone in my work when mine seems to be going downhill/nowhere...etc. So truly I am doubly, triply more touched that MrBestFriend put his own needs aside and just talked to me on the phone even at times when I couldn't talk. At first, I was reticent to accept him in my life again. We were close about 5 years ago, but we both knew the reasons why we just had to drift apart. And now, I was fearing the same thing, one day we would drift apart for basically the same reasons. Some might call it the same mistake, but it is in different contexts... ... But because of his sincerity and devotion to our renewed friendship, I was bowled over, and I can truly happily say I'm glad that he self-called himself my best friend, because, he really is.

So when we don't get to meet recently I am cranky and frustrated... it's like missing a star team player. It's nice to know he misses me, too. But it's even more nice to know if in the future things can be like they were last year! The economy seems to drive people apart. I don't want to live in a place where people are all living so close to each other but we never seem able to meet. I hope it's only temporary. I hate the irony... that only when something is taken away from you, then you wonder if you had done your best by him, that you have been worthy, that you regretted complaining about his irritating parts, and now he's not here all those little irritations seem inconsequential and it becomes a distant memory? I'm brutally honest and MrBestFriend knows that he does, irritate me at times, especially when he keeps harping on topics which is just not in my interest. Although now, I'd be willingly to listen to him talk, about anything...

I made a christmas wish. I wished that, I could just spend one day with him. I would be happy if this christmas wish comes true.

When love can't wait

Learning to love someone means you first have to learn to forgive them,
over, and over again
The human heart is frailer than we expect;
It bleeds with a misplaced word or a harsh look
Yet deep in our hearts we find the propensity
To forgive, when it hurts the most
To try again, where hope seems futile
To reach out to help someone else
When inside, we are suffering.

I've realized, that although we have both guarded our hearts towards each other,
we share about our lives
My human heart is foolish, I didn't expect
That I wuold memorize the care we've shared
And deep in my heart I find the capacity
To smile with my eyes, only at you
To enjoy the countless moments
You're one of the most important people in my life
I wish you will be here, always, by my side.

(wrote this at the 315 bus stop.)

Have you forgotten me?
Sometimes I think you have.
I would like to forget you, too.
When I was depressed because I did not learn to embrace my emotions, I was sad.
In the year that followed, I believe I did learn to identify and release my emotions with courage; and care for others - you were the first one I could care about.
That's why you are important.
I was at Orchard Road yesterday with Kie and Dree.
I was singing christmas songs to myself because I had to sing, for the christmas party.
It's my first public singing after the traumatic year.
I had a sudden realization of how I came to this stage where I could even dare to sing.
It's because of your encouragement, the times we walked along Adam Road to Orchard Road
I was always afraid to sing, only daring to sing one line...or two.
But now I dare to sing, a lot, because... ...
And that memory suddenly stirred up in me,
And there was no more Kie and Dree (how lame! it rhymes)
Have you forgotten me?
But I still remember you.

Talking to various ones in our group made me realize that hey, everyone has their own bittersweet memories about the past loves - bitter because they are already 'ex-es' but sweet because it reminds them of how they used to love another; though the reasons for them being 'ex-es', some reasons may be more poignant and others a matter of inconvienience, the ones around me are scared like me too, to forget to guard their hearts, to somehow fall, again...why are they scared to love? Why are they scared to find someone else? I can see it in their eyes.

Yet I can also see in their eyes that they want to, have a happy ending, like everyone else.

When is too much, too much?

Was sick on Sunday. Went out (here,guess where?) on Monday. Fell sick again... now still sick *moans*

photo courtesy of pinkblessings.blogspot.com

Work is getting a bit overboard and being sickly with a maddening cough doesn't help. I've tried not to complain but yesterday I gave in and moaned on the phone to Kie. (actually Lilo said 'moaning' sounded wrong, but well...)

Once again, I remind myself that I'm actually the easy-going type and am not aiming to climb any corporate ladder, so even if the-worse-case scenario happens, i.e. jobless, either by circumstance or by choice, I.shall.take.it.easy.


My beef lagsagna with my new haircut...


New neighbor. I gave him my parsley, an act of noble sacrifice...soon, the rest also gave theirs to him... so this is his appetizer...PS: I think he's a great chap! Younger girls may apply (below 26) I will give you his number!

And my dearest stalwart of fortitude (on the right) PS: He is a great chap too! Around my age and my age girls may apply... easygoing, sweet and nice ladies. You must be able to be friends with me too, if not, you're out. Hahaha!
Actually with the stress levels I'm facing now, I think I will relish it!
I was thinking to myself while shopping for christmas cards (my yearly must-buy item), those retail assistants seem to really enjoy and take ownership of their work-the nice fillipino assistants. I went into Prints to buy a box, and from the time I stepped in to the time I walked out, I was greeted by ALL the staff in such a friendly manner! While shopping (because I am always doing targeted shopping), I generally prefer the assistant to point out what I want to me, state the price, and I will spend about 5-10 minutes max in the store. I was thinking that I actually don't mind being in a 'low-level' job like a waitress, or a shop staff. I'm sure they also have degrees, and they have such pride and joy in their work!

I met Larry today.

Sometimes, in life, you meet people that just leave such a nice impact on you that your mood is somehow uplifted. True enough, though I was coughingly sick, he made me cheer up. Larry is the taxt driver who sent me home. Speaking impeccable English, the old-school type that I'm used to hearing all my father's friends speak, and greeting me 'good evening madam', such a cheery breeze from all the usual rude drivers who don't know the roads... Larry shared that he used to man 300 security personnel until one day he realized that he couldn't go to work with a good attitude and thus, quit. He has only been driving for a month. He told me to be happy wherever I go, that I should just enjoy life, not worry about work. I guess I want to share in that perspective too. Like what Kie and I shared about, there are some people we just love to be around, and some that are just not fun to be around with. Maybe they always seem pensive, so much so that they also steal our joy. Larry shared that he's a single father who got custody of his child (now 16) and he remained single after his divorce 10 years earlier. He seems like a affable, wonderful chap who has such a positive attitude on everything that I can't help but to be refreshed during the ride home, and was almost sorry it had to end so soon.

Seeing so many people each week and month, I began to reflect on whether I had been showcasing a positive attitude too, despite the circumstances. I hope I did, somehow. I've been reflecting on my actions lately, and I seem to have always chosen the easier path - self-gratifying, quitting on myself, and even ending friendships with others because I did not want to face up to reality. I am inspired after reading this book about a couple's true life story -one of their books is the famous 'When God writes your Love story' but I read the 'prequel'- really keeping yourself pure for your future spouse, not just bodily pure, but keeping in mind your thoughts about other guys, about the future, and praying for your husband everyday even though you have not met him yet.

Sometimes I'm too extreme, I just - want to be different, or maybe that's a certain pride in knowing or wanting to be different. Being too free-spirited, I also get bored easily and take for granted many things in life. But in this area, I'm rather traditionalist in my thinking. I want to cook(bake: I haven't learnt how to cook yet) and clean(ironing is therapeutic) for my husband (provided I don't have a high level, stress job), to make cute things with love, and hopefully have the option to stay-at-home when the kids are at the crucial age to bombard them with intense learning flash cards. I just wish that I won't meet him too late, or we won't realize too late that we have each other. Sometimes I feel that time is running out. I am reminded that when I am young I prayed for my husband as all good christian girls were taught too. It's time to pick up where I've left off.

Jelly has shared with me his fears, too. He is of the personality similar to many church guys - stable, solid, godly, 'never been kissed', haha...these guys are of a godly character and serving but somehow it seems they remain single, maybe they have too high expectations or are not able to relate to the fairer species...being 24, graduating soon, and not having a girlfriend before, Jelly is afraid he would just fall into this category, of whom we do know a few in their late 20s. Being friends with a few of them, I know that they do share this concern too... is it too late to find a girl, or find someone whom they will fall in love with and the girl will love them too? I think I shall not underestimate their capacity to love, and I pray that they will have a happy ending...after all, that's what makes a wedding so beautiful and romantic because it is celebrating love between two people who otherwise have nothing in common.

I'm just cheered today after long months of unhappiness because Larry the taxi driver shared with me his positive optimism...I need to be a woman of prayer, reflecting on things when sickly, helps me to be a better person, I think.