I was acquainted with her while we were volunteering together in the Tsunami efforts of Dec 2005. We were in a team of 9 that went to Banda Aceh and I had the privilege of staying in the mayor's house as that was the only facility available to house us. Incidentally, one of our team-mates, a lady in her early 30s also got married this May. It seems all so long ago that we were chatting and sharing after each day's work in Aceh - we were building houses - and felt at ease to share about life. They urged me to date while I am still young, perhaps they felt they had missed opportunities, or underlying fears and frustrations they would never find their soulmate.
As they were in their late 20s then, and also not having been in a relationship before, they sort of have the 'if it comes, it comes' mentality. It seems to work for them as they are now very happy even though they had married a bit later than the norm.
In essence, I think this mentality works in a way, contrasted to the 'I can't live without a man' mentality. Somehow guys are always scared away by the women who seem to want to pressure them into some kind of commitment. As me and a married friend were remarking yesterday, we'd rather be happily single if we cannot find our soulmate, then settling for anyone who seems to fit the bill but does not really want us. And for those women who seem to be 'on the hunt' for a mate, they give off a vibe that is actually quite threatening to a more laid-back man. I'm glad I've found Mr A, but we both know if we had not found each other now, at this time we would have probably been still single, and loving it, too.
I think many Singaporean men in The Church are scared when it comes to being in relationships. I wouldn't say real scared- type of scared, perhaps more of having a burdening anxiety. Firstly for those who are not familiar with the ways of women, they are scared of making the woman they love cry, or upset with them. Because they would not know how to react and thus feel 'loserish', and clumsy. Also, there is a huge financial constraint that they have to think about. I think it's only reasonable that the women here expect the guy to have a stable salary - it also shows about his long-term and thus, marriageability prospects. Since once we have kids, it's almost impossible except for the very career-minded and multitasking women to handle both family and career, we women inevitably have to think about this balance in the near future, so subconciously we are seeking stable men. So a women who actually plans ahead is a better choice for the serious-minded man, non? And if your man cannot conceive a long-term future with you, isn't it better not to be with him or consider him? Many 'on the hunt' women seem to forget about that. For my married friend, she and the husband had saved up for about 3 years before, then they could put the downpayment on their marital home. It does take at least two years of careful financial planning, more if you are planning on immediately getting a house upon marriage, she said.
But isn't that the same for most developed countries? I met a European who proudly told me he is debt-free when he was 55, his country having the highest tax rates in the world, most of them are in debt their entire lives. He paid off his small flat and small car (the type like most of us have) and is now free to do whatever he likes. But I'm sure in his younger days, the vast amount of financial burden did not constrain his adventurous mind and capability for enjoyment. A good meal, some nice clothes, I believe all of us can afford that at any executive's salary.
So what are the men afraid of? I think, they are afraid of themselves. Some do not know what they want. So the girls they fancy turn out to be very different species. An ultra sporty girl this month, a quiet and nerdish girl the next, a bubbly and maiden-ish girl the following month. This is not because they are fickle-minded, they just do not know which type suits them, because they do not know themselves well. It would bode them good to find out more about themselves on solitary walks, rather than always being in the shelter of good company.
The men are also afraid of making bold moves (it is only to be encouraged at the right timing of both parties), giving the excuse they are not keen to see the friendship end, pah! I think... I have had friendships with guys that lasted over relationships, some of my friends, I have seen him consecutively getting attached and breaking up; now he is single and I have a boyfriend, it is as if we take turns in our different destinies. Each understands that unless both of us are single we won't have as much time to spend with each other. But our friendship remains strong. Other guys, after we have been friends for years, but because of some minor thing that can be forgotten easily, forsake this friendship. And so all I have are memories, but I am not sad, because each friendship has different twists and turns, if it ends, let it be. It was not meant to be anyways.
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We are having a rather long weekend because we are going on a photoshoot with our photographers on Tuesday. Yay! The plans for the weekend seems so fantastic and I'm going to relish every little minute drop of time spent with Mr A. When you miss someone everyday, eating lunch together for an hour just doesn't cut it.
Have a great weekend wherever you are, and know that if you are alone you can always find some ways of entertaining yourself, in Singapore or elsewhere, online or off... ...
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