dearly departed

Attended a wake of a friend's mom who passed. She was young, only 45. I thought deeply about life and death today. Death always seems unfair to those who are left behind. And we often forget about the nearest and dearest until they are gone from our lives.

Not too many years ago, some small incidents happened that caused me to lose the friendship of 2 of my dearest friends. As friendship goes, some are intense but are not meant to last; some are deeply meaningful and will go the distance. He was a friend for me, not just a friend, but someone to guide me along, almost a hero, yet humbly and gently deigned to spend time leisurely, with me, with whomever was near and dear to me. We attended courses, a year of prayer meetings, camps, watched movies and theatre shows, I supported his marathons, we prayed daily for each other, had many, many meals together.

It's nearly 10 years now since the teenager me was acquainted with this guy friend, and I guess he set a pretty high standard for the ones that followed. Everyone knows he's a godly and super 'zhai' guy, just being in his presence makes me feel wiser, stronger, kinder, lovelier.

So, it was quite an emotional and vulnerable moment for me when we met up again after such a long time. He's changed, I've changed. In ways, we seem to be mirrors of each other, he being a more lively, cheekier version, me being a quieter and serious one. Yet, there is still that familiarity, the familiar essence of each other's smell, voice, vibe, that just makes me utterly relaxed, utterly comfortable, without need for guise. I am really glad that those past issues can be forgotten and we can make good, for now, and I hope, me, the frivolous one, would not throw away what's important to me this time round. There's still so many years to go as friends.

And I've never really thought of him or considered him as my 'best' (male) friend, but in so many ways, he really is.

unsolicited advice from a well-meaning alien

Some of us have been silently rooting for a friend who has been a friend to all, a nice-guy, someone who is always positive. It seems that he is in love.

And many of us want to help him 'succeed' in the relationship arena; just that many of us refrained from giving out well-meaning, unsolicited advice. In fact, all of us should ask for no-holds-barred opinion from an honest and caring 3rd party perspective, from time to time, all in the name of personal development. I promise to be brutally honest with you, as you are with me.

Especially so, when you like someone from Venus and you are from a distant, distant galaxy, you should ask Venutians' opinion rather that your same-pattern-alien friends. You may be resistant to such a path of thought but to be learning about the fairer sex bodes you well especially if you are hoping for a positive outcome, with less resistance to your unfathomable charms.

I have my doubts as always about his lady love, (due to the past track record), but was encouraged to see many dudes giving him the silent thumbs-up.

Well, no matter what others say, I think I just want him to follow his heart and see him crazy in love with someone for once.

And if I were to give more unsolicited advice, this is what I would say.

'When you see him, you can't stop smiling.
Your heart gives a leap of joy, and you know that in his eyes, you are the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the world.

There is that magic, a mutual understanding, shared thoughts, giggly feelings.
You'd know that he'd protect you from every harm.
You'd know that divorce is not a considerable option.
You'd know that despite what people say and think about you, he'll still foolishly and relentlessly support you.'

And that, my friend, is what a woman wants in a relationship. For more thoughts, don't hesitate to dial our numbers and jiojio us for tea (Your treat, of course...)

Best wishes from all of us!

the one, the one

Just thought this photo gives a cheery feel to a rainy Friday!

Am happy for a dear friend who have found love; a friend who has supported me through the recently trying times with both words of comfort and truth-talk time.

Through my weepy meanderings, little did I know that she was also suffering through the insensitivities' of others who have maligned her virtuous character. All I can say is that she has withstood more than half a year of mud-slinging and schadenfreude with magnamity. I can only hope that I show such kindness to people who otherwise don't treasure the value of a platonic friendship.

Hearing such news, I too wonder when my 'Eric' will appear. (His name is Eric right?) Heehee.
The next relationship will be my last, God-willing.

On Love and Marriage

Penpal sent me this excerpt from CS Lewis' writings on Love that was the chicken soup for my soul this week.

'Knowledge can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go.
And in fact, whatever people say, the state called 'being in love'
usually does not last. If the old fairy tale ending 'They lived
happily ever after' is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty
years exactly as the day before they were married', then it says what
probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly
undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for
even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your
sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need
not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense - love as distinct
from 'being in love' - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity,
maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit;
reinforced by (in Christian marriage) the grace which both partners
ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other
even at those moments when they do not like each other, as you love
yourself even when you do not like yourself. Then can retain this love
even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love'
with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise
fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on
this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the
explosion that started it.'

We all have expectations in life, me being me, I think my expectations are quite high. But then again, I've realised that in developing my thinking to a certain extent, I've sort of neglected the 'active' parts of learning, like learning how to cook, how to swim, how to drive, even, some of the most basic life skills one would say you would need to survive today. Instead, I do take a certain pride in learning how to listen, how to communicate effectively and make good friendships, how to be kind, how to appreciate what we have so easily. In the face of building my character, I am often unimpressed, disgusted as well, at some of the what we would say 'ugly Singaporean' character in some of my friends. If we do not take the love of God into the equation, I do feel that some of the ones not in The Church have show a much better disposition. I've been brought up to expect a certain way of how women are treated by men, as friends, at the very least, should be concerned enough in certain measures. Yet I guess most Singaporean guys are self-centred in the way that they put themselves first in this area. I can't help but to be quite offended and disgusted by some of their moves, I do feel ashamed to be their friends.

The Boyfriend cooked a nice dinner for me today, I had chicken wings, veggie dish and a lovely chicken soup which I couldn't stop drinking from. Being sick, I'm thankful for the TLC in this way. It's not an easy task to cook a delicious meal.

some things are better left unsaid

Around this time of the year, the christmas lights are up, the trees are lighted brightly and we are reminded to go and shop. For many of us though, it's a reminiscing time, once more. After all, the things on our mind are not the latest must-haves but the people we have once shared a connection with. Some people also think about God and how far they've been. That's why so many people 'reappear' at this season, and also, many get re-attached or newly attached. Haha.

I've had many around me who are in this 'mode', lately, so it strikes me a little too. How some names are not on my to-gift list this year. Or how some names, being mentioned, still brings out mixed feelings in me. It's mixed feelings because I can't come to a conclusion...not a conclusion about my feelings but a conclusion about the character of the person. If the person was really, not a worthy person of my friendship, then I wouldn't be anguished about it fading away and almost being unremembered. I'm someone who highly values the company I keep, maybe deep down I'm hoping a hopeless hope, not just for the friendship to be restored but for the person's life and years ahead to be a happy one, like the way I'm happy now.

A friend was sharing that he once knew someone closely who never lied... some people do have flaws like lying, smoking, exaggerating... but this person just keeps quiet thus preventing herself from lying. I thought and said that this is not a bad trait, she can truthfully say she doesn't lie! As he puts it, some things are better left unsaid, and he too won't tell those who are close to him about all he has experienced or his thoughts... if we all were truthful, I wonder how many of us would be left standing? This guy is a blessed guy in the areas of...girls liking him. He has never been single for a long period of time and since the last we met, 3 girls professed their liking for him and one even cried! They said their i love yous and i want nobody nobody but you to be my boyfriend. In fact, one of them even said 'JUST FOR ONE NIGHT' !!!! Fainted, man. I can't believe that there are these kind of people... been watching too many korean/taiwanese dramas??? I think this kind of wish 'just for one night' is quite self-destructive because even if you had a good good night, what good will this memory of that one night bring you and what does it say about your morals?

Lucky for them though, he is also a decent guy and won't just accept a girl because she has professed her head over heels. And of course, not a one-night-stand also! I approved and said that it's better for the girls this way, because it'even if they get their wish of a relationship with him... they know it's not a sincere one... so in a sense, he is letting them off lightly. It's a hard balance and a hard thing to do when someone close to you likes you, LOVES you but honestly you don't feel a thing, what are you to do? Then again, most people wish for such a thing to happen to them, that someone would love them heedlessly... obsessively... isn't it so?


I know many people want to be happy, but choosing and living their own self-destructive paths is not the right way. And when things are THAT OBVIOUS to so many, it's time to do some reflecting and seriously changing of your course of action. After all, some things are left unsaid and it's better to live a moment in misery than a lifetime of regret. Some wrong choices (or passive choices) brings about circumstances that can't be changed easily, but in the end... who suffers? It's you.

thoughts on the headship of men in relationships

I heard some lovely news this week. A lady friend of mine informed me she is getting married and invited me to her wedding last quarter of the year.

I was acquainted with her while we were volunteering together in the Tsunami efforts of Dec 2005. We were in a team of 9 that went to Banda Aceh and I had the privilege of staying in the mayor's house as that was the only facility available to house us. Incidentally, one of our team-mates, a lady in her early 30s also got married this May. It seems all so long ago that we were chatting and sharing after each day's work in Aceh - we were building houses - and felt at ease to share about life. They urged me to date while I am still young, perhaps they felt they had missed opportunities, or underlying fears and frustrations they would never find their soulmate.

As they were in their late 20s then, and also not having been in a relationship before, they sort of have the 'if it comes, it comes' mentality. It seems to work for them as they are now very happy even though they had married a bit later than the norm.

In essence, I think this mentality works in a way, contrasted to the 'I can't live without a man' mentality. Somehow guys are always scared away by the women who seem to want to pressure them into some kind of commitment. As me and a married friend were remarking yesterday, we'd rather be happily single if we cannot find our soulmate, then settling for anyone who seems to fit the bill but does not really want us. And for those women who seem to be 'on the hunt' for a mate, they give off a vibe that is actually quite threatening to a more laid-back man. I'm glad I've found Mr A, but we both know if we had not found each other now, at this time we would have probably been still single, and loving it, too.

I think many Singaporean men in The Church are scared when it comes to being in relationships. I wouldn't say real scared- type of scared, perhaps more of having a burdening anxiety. Firstly for those who are not familiar with the ways of women, they are scared of making the woman they love cry, or upset with them. Because they would not know how to react and thus feel 'loserish', and clumsy. Also, there is a huge financial constraint that they have to think about. I think it's only reasonable that the women here expect the guy to have a stable salary - it also shows about his long-term and thus, marriageability prospects. Since once we have kids, it's almost impossible except for the very career-minded and multitasking women to handle both family and career, we women inevitably have to think about this balance in the near future, so subconciously we are seeking stable men. So a women who actually plans ahead is a better choice for the serious-minded man, non? And if your man cannot conceive a long-term future with you, isn't it better not to be with him or consider him? Many 'on the hunt' women seem to forget about that. For my married friend, she and the husband had saved up for about 3 years before, then they could put the downpayment on their marital home. It does take at least two years of careful financial planning, more if you are planning on immediately getting a house upon marriage, she said.

But isn't that the same for most developed countries? I met a European who proudly told me he is debt-free when he was 55, his country having the highest tax rates in the world, most of them are in debt their entire lives. He paid off his small flat and small car (the type like most of us have) and is now free to do whatever he likes. But I'm sure in his younger days, the vast amount of financial burden did not constrain his adventurous mind and capability for enjoyment. A good meal, some nice clothes, I believe all of us can afford that at any executive's salary.

So what are the men afraid of? I think, they are afraid of themselves. Some do not know what they want. So the girls they fancy turn out to be very different species. An ultra sporty girl this month, a quiet and nerdish girl the next, a bubbly and maiden-ish girl the following month. This is not because they are fickle-minded, they just do not know which type suits them, because they do not know themselves well. It would bode them good to find out more about themselves on solitary walks, rather than always being in the shelter of good company.

The men are also afraid of making bold moves (it is only to be encouraged at the right timing of both parties), giving the excuse they are not keen to see the friendship end, pah! I think... I have had friendships with guys that lasted over relationships, some of my friends, I have seen him consecutively getting attached and breaking up; now he is single and I have a boyfriend, it is as if we take turns in our different destinies. Each understands that unless both of us are single we won't have as much time to spend with each other. But our friendship remains strong. Other guys, after we have been friends for years, but because of some minor thing that can be forgotten easily, forsake this friendship. And so all I have are memories, but I am not sad, because each friendship has different twists and turns, if it ends, let it be. It was not meant to be anyways.

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We are having a rather long weekend because we are going on a photoshoot with our photographers on Tuesday. Yay! The plans for the weekend seems so fantastic and I'm going to relish every little minute drop of time spent with Mr A. When you miss someone everyday, eating lunch together for an hour just doesn't cut it.

Have a great weekend wherever you are, and know that if you are alone you can always find some ways of entertaining yourself, in Singapore or elsewhere, online or off... ...