Sunday, September 30, 2007

i remember

Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.

It has been a rough week.

Zero, your love for Star moves me. I wish I am like you, that I have this capacity to love someone - to see her happy makes you happy and you will want her to be happy at your you can love as deep as that, I do not know. And maybe that is why you are depressed now; because you have loved her for years. I know I've said that I would have liked the old Zero; a lot, now - but in the past, I would have taken you for granted and not even wanted to be close. Because of who you are now, and because of who I am now, I treasure your presence in my life even more. I wish I had someone to love me, the way you loved her. And I know you are moving on, and it will all get better, with time.

So, me and Zero are still singing songs this week. Soppy 90s songs.
But me, been crying like shit.

I never wanted to write about any unhappy moments. Maybe I'm being a bit too idealistic, but that's the way I value happiness. It's not my way to mar the happy memories with the unhappy ones. But sometimes, things in life are bittersweet. Bittersweet. A new word I've learnt this week. When you can't find a way to describe the good, and the bad. It's crazy to keep crying everyday, I know I should deal with my feelings. But how? Engage in prayer sessions? Peruse self-help books? Talk to the person at hand? Or just forget about it? Can someone tell me how to cope.

I get lonely every saturday because I miss the hours I've spent talking with Muffin, about God, about us, about life. How do I cope with these feelings?

I feel angered and sad, because, I believe partly that is is not him who reacts like this, that somehow, a deep part of him really cared, and treasured the times we've spent together, the way I did. Other times, I wonder if he doesn't give a damn and he's been doing this to other girls, and he will continue to do this to other girls after me, that I'm one of the many who have been 'controlled'...and I wish, I wish that all the times we had, meant something to him. I wanted to ask him if it did, it would make me happy if it did... Yet, when I see him, still the same, that it has not affected him in the least, a part of me dies and I know that, things can't go back 'to the way it was'; and it perhaps may never will. No matter how mature we think we are, or how spiritual we need ourselves to be, we still need to deal with our feelings first. I have so many questions to ask Muffin, yet I fear, that it will all come to naught. I cannot forget, I remember all the things we spoke about, all the times we shared; and because I remember the bad with the good, the hurt with the joyl; because I remember, that is why I am still angered, and sad.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Watched on dvd "Before Sunset", a bittersweet romance story set in Paris where the two characters, acted by Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, find each other after 9 years. The whole story is acted in one long walk, where both talk to each other about life and love. Watching shows like these really makes you pensive for a day, wondering, if the other person you cared about also thought about you - theirs for nine years.

I've had so many people telling me everyday, you are still young, cherish the connections and the nice stuff people do for you in life, because when you get old, the people won't be bothered to, anymore. No one will be bothered to walk you home when it's late. Or to talk to you for hours, or to take long lonely walks with you just because you needed to talk. Maybe I'm an old soul. But I cherish the soul connection I thought I had, with Muffin. I know such connections only happen once or twice in a lifetime. And when it's gone, you will always wonder 'what if', and long for the closeness, the shared times that brought comfort to both souls. When it's gone, you become a bit more cynical. I've changed. I think I am less naive now. I wish that we had a little more in common. Perhaps meeting at different stages in our lives. I wonder what would have happened if Muffin hadn't walked in to church. Would we still have met, somehow, next year, at a youth conference? Would I still be the same person, six months ago to now? He did not really choose to walk in to my life... so why am I choosing to perhaps walk out now? I am so tired. Seeing him only makes things worse. I cried last night. Like the night before. I hate it.

Monday, September 24, 2007


Happy Birthday Penelope, a photomontage for you. You are as old as me now! Ha.
Not a very nice one as these are the only photos I have of you and J, taken less than 1 yr ago at East Coast.
I love the times we were there, we should go there more often. Looking back at the photos, you realize things really change in a year, some people that were there last year is not here for us anymore, but as long as both of you cherish your love and the happy moments you have spent together, believe God will make this love last a lifetime.
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Sunday, September 23, 2007

new generation #2

A new generation... my new generation!

Am all fired up in faith to reach out to my community, my age group... my generation. I've always had a passion to bring more to church, bring more to the gospel. Somehow, I don't have the fear that grips most in asking people, even strangers to church. By a sheer coincidental meeting, I met Christian, who is a youth worker with Heart Church located near The Church. And, last friday, attended a meet with quite a number of youth ministers. I was glad to represent The Church.

One thing the Swede pastor (blonde!) Joakim preached really struck me, he said "Young people who are destined to commit suicide will not commit suicide." I just went to a talk on mental illness and demonization, and depressed people who are not on medication, a high percentage will eventually commit suicide. Christians believe there is a suicide spirit behind this, and it seems to be getting stronger. To me, anything, be it mental illness, work, relationships, anything that takes you further from God and hinders your joy in life is definitely not of the Lord. Looking at the young people worship God in CStone Church, I still don't have a heartbeat for them, nooooo. But I know I can help. And I want to. The road ahead is not easy and I've been crying out to God for more people to help me along. I just need everyone to put in a bit for Christ.

It pains me to see people just overwhelmed by the world. And maybe they will say to me, 'But you don't understand, your work is not like mine, your world, your life is so easy, compared to mine.' And maybe they are right, maybe I don't understand. And it's not easy to understand my position either. Stepping out in faith and planting cells, who asked me to? And I do have doubts. But looking at the way God has grown us without us really stressing over it, we can't deny it's the hand of God upon us. I just hope that we will have the ability to trust God more. That no matter what we are facing or feeling, we can find the strength to look to Him.

I was overwhelmed by my feelings today. One thing about me is that I don't allow myself to think too much, or to cry. Sometimes I think until I get so physically tired I have psychosomatic fatigue and just cannot get out of bed. And I'm still having many questions for God. Sometimes when you are hurting inside so much, you wonder why God still tells you to reach someone for Him. How come you can still talk to people despite the fact that everything's not ok.

It was raining heavily this morning. After Church, cold, with soggy feet drenched by the downpour, Zero and I were just talking about the 'song in our head', a song that is put into us spiritually, and it just hums along as we go about in life. For him, it was the song, 'Come Holy Spirit, fall on me now...I need your anointing, come in your power' and we just sang it softly, over and over again, together, while walking along the pavement with the branches alongside the long road to the bus stop and the cars on the other side.

I'm reaching for your heart
You hold my life in your hands
Drawing me closer to You
I feel your power renew
Nothing compares to this place
Where I can see you face to face
I worship you
In Spirit and in truth

One line by one line, we continued singing the song, softly, wholeheartedly; till we reached the destination.

It's the small moments like this when I realise that God is with us, and He is helping me through.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


Listen to the song here in my heart, a melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within, Its only beginning to find release
Oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

I am alone at a crossroads, I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried, To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you, You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

-Beyonce, Dreamgirls Movie, 'Listen'

I try, to learn to understand people and help people understand themselves.


Met Creampuff for lunch today. We try to meet every week. I'm becoming addicted to the food at his workplace really. It's a foodcourt - a place I don't usually have lunch at, but the standard of the food there is really good. Well, at least for the 2 stalls I always eat at. I am glad that there are some people I can meet every week in my life. Starting next week, I'd be seeing Zero every week too.

There are some people in life whom you meet and almost instantly you are 'tuned in' to the person. Creampuff has been avidly listening to my life tales since Day One when we started chatting at a boring Expo. Juice, Kylie's friend, also has been in tune. It's nice to have some people who sincerely wants to listen to you, though I'm afraid I'm usually boring them to death. Just listening to me talk about life and theirs, too. I'm glad that through everything that happened, I found friends I can really trust. I'm glad for a weekly lunch chat out of The Office. And colleagues who are nice and really care about building relationships. I look at some people, working so hard, OT and more OT all the time, it really drains them. And they are left with no time and no energy to build real relationships. I'm glad that part of my job is to build relationships - though that's pretty draining too!

It's nice to share the ups and downs with people you trust. I think it's partly because they also value the relationship that they have with you. For me, I won't build up a relationship with a person who is obsessed with work all the time. It just shows in their attitude towards others. A healthy work-life balance is essential. I do like to work, but I get fatigued easily, so, I guess listening to my body and accepting rest when it's needed.

I never realised people really cared in our society... but they do, without words. Sometimes, just an email, or a walk down a lonely street together with someone who's hurting shows you care enough to make the difference. People will come and go. But there are some friends that stay, for a lifetime. What makes you that lifetime friend?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

long term commitment

I just made a long-term commitment over the weekend.

It's nice to be there, for a friend.


Been having intermittent sleep, wonder if it's the result of eating cheap mooncakes. I like snowskin ones and green tea flavored ones. Those who don't want, please pass me theirs... I can eat mooncakes for dinner! Ha. But I refuse to buy the pricey ones, the price this year up by almost 100% due to the strict control of salted duck eggs. Heck, I didn't even know those were duck eggs. Why is it only duck eggs can be salted and preserved? Also bought lanterns, small ones with red LED lights installed with a press on, at the bottom red tassle. No more candles! Although when we were young, playing with candles and setting our lanterns on fire were part of the celebration.

Many thoughts running through my mind, which probably contributes to the continual tiredness I feel. Better soon! In a while.

I realize I have good friends like Zero and Fangjie. And Grant, of course. Dear, dear people. So, I'm also making a commitment back to be a good-er friend to them. So one year later, my commitment ends.

One year! It's a long time... but all things work out for those who love Him.

Monday, September 17, 2007

psalms 34:18

My self esteem should be based on my quality of character - my ability to love and be loved. -Paul Meier, Blue Genes

How do you explain a love that has no explanation? - John Ortberg, Love Beyond Reason, spiritedly's current fave christian pastor/author.

Psalms 34:18.

Is there is such a thing as praying 'too much' for something to happen?


There are always lots of questions in my mind, because I question the relativity of truth, and causes for emotional hurts, behaviors and reactions, the answers come. So when I see someone I've been close with do something that is hurtful, I ask.

I need to find out, to understand.

What is your love based on, if you do not even try to understand the person?

Each day, I remember things. Flashbacks to certain places we've been. Things he said. The food we ate. Sometimes I am angry at the things he said to me, and perhaps, others in his life who have loved him, too. Sometimes I am sad. I realise how sad I was when I realise how happy I am now. Simple outings which turn into long drawn arguments, and tiring meanderings uncalled for. I am angry at myself for wanting to be approved by him, for just quietly accepting the things he said, for not refusing to talk until I'm so tired... I am angry because this is not the way things should be. But I don't blame him. He cannot help it. Sure, he will get angry at me too. And maybe he will, if he doesn't understand that I am trying to help him. Despite all his refutes, I think he wants me to.

When someone who is nit-picky and has possible obsessions with cleanliness tell you that your hair dropped all over his room after one dining experience, would you:
a)get angry and scold him
b)apologize for the hair
c)try to understand the basis of what he is saying, and observe, and help?

Don't you think that because the person tells you this, he also is telling you, in a certain way, that he needs your help in his life? That hey, please take note that this is not a 'normal' behavior... that I only dare to share these with you... that I need you to tell me this is not acceptable to you?

In Life, we are faced with choices everyday.

We can choose to ignore this cry for help and pretend everything is alright. Anyway, Life still goes on.

But, I am also affected emotionally by this. And the 'deepness' of the way I am affected shows that this is not just a simple thing. The myriad of emotions I feel fascinates and scares me, because I am never like that, and have never been. Of course, looking on the bright side, there are good times. Like how your life is like a weepy korean drama, and realising that you have good friends to be your safety net, after all.

Thursday, September 13, 2007


The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. -G.K. Chesterton

John Ortberg, in "Love Beyond Reason" wrote

"When can I get the courage to stop hiding? When I am loved.
In Phantom of the Opera, the phantom wears a mask to hide his horribly disfigured face. He lives in the bowels of the old opera house, to cloak his presence and bitter misdeeds. But the woman Christine touches his heart.

At the climax of the story, his mask is removed. In that moment he chooses to be known, to be seen. He knows that his face is hideous; he waits for her to scream in terror, but she does not. Her heart is moved by compassion and pity.

She does not turn away. She gently kisses his scarred face.

And her love changes him, at least a little.

He is able to let her go, to give her her freedom even though he knows it is the end of his dream. When he was able to stop hiding for a moment, he could be known and loved as he was, even in all his difigurement.

First the mask must come off. Then love can penetrate the heart."

Along the way, I've learnt to be brave. You know, I never really thought that feelings were important, that they were only there for me as a process of understanding, of knowing myself. But I've learnt to confront my fears. To live, fully - I've always believed in being sincere, in being truthful, in being trustworthy. And I've learnt to be stronger in what I believe in.

Though things may not look bright now, and I face the greatest fear of all - of losing you, I stand firmly by what I believe in. God will help us through.

I know that my feelings will last.
One week later, one month year later. I know that it will still be there. Perhaps that will mean that I will lose all I've dreamed of.
But to love, I must be strong. I have to be brave. And I must be firm.

Not just for me. For us.

I know why you cannot love me.
I know letting go means letting God take care of it.

Muffin, God will take care of us.

Monday, September 10, 2007

i must be firm

Do you have to let it linger? - Cranberries

Will be selling almost all my books away on yahoo! auctions and the upcoming flea marts, my annual book clearance sale. Have listed some today, my nickname is spiritedlychic.

I've never had a strong attachment to physical things. Even dresses or watches I like, I don't really take care of them.

That is why now I am so disturbed in my spirit that I have formed a deep emotional attachment to someone.

It's been said to me that all problems we have are caused by ourselves.

Zero, you were right. I must be firm. In order to help others, I have to help myself, too.

When I feel sad, I cry. It's only natural.
I have always been in touch with my emotions.
But lately, have been supressing them.

So I don't cry. I burst. For 5 seconds. And stop.

It is in my inherent nature to care for people. I don't know why I've formed such a deep bond with this one. And even though I am still hopeful, that things will work out for the good of those who love God, I am skeptical as well.

Because I know myself.
And I know him.
And I know some parts of ourselves, we are never really able to change.
Despites the promises we make to each other.


Either you care too much, or you don't care at all, so which do you think I prefer?
I'm sorry, I just hate that things turn out this way.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

mbti career options

These are my optimal career options based on my personality profile:

Photographer - hmm, explains why I take such good photos. Heh.
Marketing Professional - agreed.
Journalist - also agreed.
Actor - did have some interest in acting when I was younger, so... agreed!
Commputer Systems Analyst - nah!
Credit Investigator - sounds interesting.
Physician - agreed. have an unhealthy obsession with medicine labels
Psychiatry - isit the chinese one ...
Constructin Worker - haha!
mechanical Engineer - hahaha!
Public Relations Worker - ok this career is passable
Artist or Entertainer - one day... my chance to shine will come...
Research Worker - yeah I will love this as long as I can talk while working
Electrician - haha!
Lawyer - was my childhood ambition. guess we all knew what we wanted...
Management Consultant - would love this!
General Consultant - Generals will consult me?
Corporate Executive Manager - sounds nice. any headhunter wants me?
Restaurant Worker - would like this too if not for my high iq
Computer Operations, Systems analyst - nope
Electronic Technician - nope
Aeronautical Engineer - nope. though I can communicate well with engineers
Writer - YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Corrections Officer - nope
Child Care Worker - nope
Sales Manager - agreed... on the way there
Psychodrama Therapist - erm, sounds scary
Electrical Engineering Technician - nope
Biology Scientist - nope
Farmer - yes, actually would like this too. u guys always laugh when i say i want to live on a farm, humpf no one understands...
Dental Assistant - noooooo..
Lawyer or Judge - yeah both sounds fantastic! i mean the income not the job...
Personnel Relations Worker - ok
Life Scientist - erm, manufacture life?
Financial Manager - yup
Speech Pathologist - nope... no patience for this one
Helath Education - so-so
Human Resources Planner - no interest either!
Medical Assistant - agreed
Science Technician - nope
Respiratory Therapist - ??? revive people daily? I hope not.
Crisis Counselor - Can do. Am thinker enough. But tiring job though.
Real Estate Agent/Broker - yup.
Psychologist - Have an obsession with psychological disorders too...
Attorney Administration - can do.
Insurance Agent/Broker - no way!
Musician - not enough talent here
Minister - hmmmmm...
Student Personnel Administration(college) - would like this job i think!

So there. 32 out of 49. Well these are just options, in case I'd like a switch. You don't spend your whole life doing something you don't like you know. But I happen to love my jobs.

Meanwhile for those who need to know, take the test online!
It will help in all areas of your life I'm sure of it. cut and paste please


Monday, September 03, 2007


Let's take a flight from here when it opens next year. Thanks Muffin for the photo.
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This one was chosen. Was glad to do this project because I was given complete artistic freedom, which you hardly get being a designer. Took one hour to come up with this. Last year. Have rejected many design requests this year, I think I will only do things I'm comfortable with from now on.
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herbalife campaign


One of my original designs for Herbalife's Generation H campaign. Used in Singapore and Malaysia. They eventually chose the other one I had designed. Once in a while, I design stuff...
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Where matters of the heart are concerned, the heart calls for sincerity.

What a contrast from the world in which we live in; a world that does not value honesty. This world values good looks - but not too good - if you are as good looking as Zero, you are often hated, just because of the way you look. You must be good looking, but not TOO good. Like too much of a good thing, unfortunately it often backfires on him, and also on his friendships because he can never be certain if the person's concern for him is genuine.

For the rest of us who are not blessed/cursed with supermodel looks, thank God.

Few of us care to admit it, but we are changed by the people we fall in love with.

Even though the person is very similar to you. And definitely if the person is your exact total opposite, something I've failed to realise. Because in trying to make him more like yourself, you are asking him to make you more like him, and in doing so, both may lose their sense of self and the reason why they love each other in the first place. Such are the fragilities of love.

I've thought about it and, yes, I have to admit, I have been changed. Very much so. For the better. At the time of my life when I felt like I was slipping away and no one really cared, God placed an angel in my life to safeguard me from all of Life's worries.

And then the angel shared some of Life's adventures with me. If you ask me how this story works out, I honestly do not know. Inevitably, or strangely, unlike myself, I find myself developing unusual feelings. Sigh. It's been a long time now. Sometimes I wonder if I was not here and vice versa, would things still be like this, or somehow our lives would never have entwined, never have had the chance to meet, and clash, like iron sharpens iron, like a catalyst of two different substances, sparking each other? I wonder if God has a hand in all of this and I know He does. It's tough for me, being me. I have to surrender, to release these feelings to God everyday. It's not that I don't want it, but I don't want to do things that are not in His will again. For now, and forever till the day I die, I want to live, free, in God's will, God's best plan for my life. Hopelessly devoted.

It's an urban legend that 'thinkers' don't know what they are feeling, or don't cry, or don't have much feelings.