stomach flips

Yesterday, in the car on the way to dinner:

Alkitab: I think that all girls in love look radiant. Don't you agree?

Me: Umm, ya...

Alkitab to the rest of the people in the car: Don't you think that Spiritedly looks radiant?

Me: !!!

Me: I look radiant because I went for a facial yesterday!

(Everyone roars with laughter)

-

Yesterday, at Punggol Jetty:

Mr A: Which place do you want to retire in next time?

Me: Umm... are you inviting me?

Mr A: ... ... ...

-

Yesterday, at Seletar Reservoir:

Me: (singing softly, a song) 'That would be so nice... if one day I find... someone who will take my hand and suffer through life with me...'

Mr A: What song is that?

Me: I serenade you with 'So Nice'... because you are so nice!

Mr A: ... ... ...

-

I met A last night. It's funny how I anticipate meeting him again but ... act nonchalant about it. Perhaps I think that the guys should always initiate. Anyways he said that he had something to share, and sunday being occupied for both of us (I'm singing at a wedding later! Excited!) we agreed (he suggested!) to meet on Saturday evening.

Ms Cheerful asked me during the week whether there was anything about A that I didn't like... and apart from his 'antenna' hairstyle (ok, I do find it kinda cute) there wasn't anything I could dislike. This week, we had a wee bit of a fracas - After Kie shared his doubts about A's sincerity of future dog-co-ownership thingy, I just asked him again on sms, directly, and seriously... ...whether he meant it or not when he suggested the 'helping me to take care of future dog on weekends' scheme. I never doubted he was sincere, but, I just had to ask again. As I'd be super disappointed if it does not happen, if I do eventually decide to have a dog.

He assured me that he really meant it, and it would be something that both of us needed to consider carefully as well. 'You angry?' he asked. I was thinking, how could I ever be angry at him, when he has done nothing wrong, and .... everything right? =)

So last night, we went to Punggol Marina at my suggestion. It's like a suburban run-down version of Keppel Bay, but I like it so much better. We sneaked in to explore many places, somebody's personal karaoke place which looked like some suspicious activity was also transacting... haha... took a lift to the 6th floor to try to go up to the top but it was locked... explored all the areas. It was so much like an adventure, and we went to the Punggol Jetty too, and later, Seletar Reservoir until the rainclouds appeared. It sounds funny but I think God is like smiling at us and maybe also enjoying our conversation... He always creates beautiful works of nature for us, last night when we came out of the car at Punggol Marina, the full moon was directly above us and shining through the clouds... brightly... so beautiful! The last week, I saw a wondrous sunset, the sun was emitting such a bright amber glow.

Or maybe when I am 'radiant' then do I start to notice all the ... beautiful things that speak of God's love around me.

We snuck in to a place where the regulars were fishing and the two of us found a pier overlooking some island and sat there. A shared how a book I lent him, John Ortberg's 'When the Game is Over it all goes back into the box' really helped him to make a decision about going for his dreams, in his career. Maybe because of the way I was brought up - my parents encouraged all of us to study whatever we liked, and work in whatever we felt like doing as long as it was legal, haha. So although pilots have the highest divorce rate, as long as he'd be happy doing it instead of a staid finance job, and not have any lifelong regrets to why he never ventured forth... ... I'm happy that he has taken a step towards doing something he wants to do in his life. It was all because of my book, he said. And funnily enough, this John Ortberg book did not speak to me as much as the others did, but I just felt compelled to lend him this book - Spirit's prompting, or something else? This year, I've lent and bought many other books for the rest too, I hope that they are also... inspired to do something life-changing! Alkitab and Pianist both told me that their birthday Eldredge books was really good for their lives, I feel happy.

And for me, I'm just savoring every little moment I can spend with A. The future may be... just friends who like to spend hours sharing, or perhaps as I hope for, something more... but whatever it may bring I'm just thankful that God has brought this to pass. I'm glad that I have submitted my burning feelings to God - in March and April, because if it had dragged me down into a sea of despair, or made me too... hopeful, I don't think I would have enjoyed the time as it is, now. And God's ways are always higher than ours, so I am truly, trusting in His plan for my life. I also know that this A has captured my heart in a way that no one else can, and through the little things he says, like asking whether I have eaten, and wanting to do something together, maybe he also loves me in this sweet way.

=)

The sunset at the road outside my residential area... the photo doesn't do it justice, it was really looking like a molten amber-gold bar... =)

'today not going home'

A local production showcasing Singaporean issues all of us can relate to.

I felt the visual direction was hauntingly nice as well as the little bits of props. Must must must watch.

 

Part of my IED efforts (to blog about christianity.)

Do pass the show around if you like it.

 

Watch it here too:

http://wideangle.sccc.org.sg/the-projects/tdgh/

Another one: 

http://wideangle.sccc.org.sg/the-projects/distortions-film/

handed

A sharing from lil meeee...book review!

I just feel compelled to share what God is speaking to me through 2 books written lately (2008). It's no coincidence that these two books fell 'in my hand' and I was urged to buy; or read it!

1. Moving On Moving Up in the marketplace, Apostle Naomi Dowdy 2008.

2.Give me the multitudes! Obeying God's call into the Media World, Apostle Lawrence Khong, 2008

The last weekend's Vision Rally message was something very powerful for me - The phrase "Use that (little thing) which God has put into your hand" - kept at me the whole weekend - I was reminded that I had responded to a call in XA camp to serve Him (2001? P Wilson's time)... God asked me to look at my hands, and He said, He will USE these hands to feed his sheep. To me, this is something significant as I am one of the 'fringe people', creative type, don't really suit the typical image of a church leader... it is harder for us to serve or even feel accepted in a mainstream church society because we always have problems fitting in! Until now, unfortunately! Haha. (Well, without us, your tenet course would not be free and the YA service still at 730. And no atm facilities to pay tithe. I bet those who still use cash are the mainstream crowd!!! Being outspoken sometimes helps.-)

I was reminded even before the weekend that I should do something for God in my job/marketplace.This year, I joined a new industry - moved out from land asset management to tech/media startup co. Was very stressed, still am very stressed, because of the steep learning curve - though I studied design, it was an entirely different scope - from not knowing anything about facing the PC (I don't even know how to use Outlook!) and videography, I was suppose to produce and direct small productions. I have discovered the worst stress is ... not knowing what to do! As I am in a startup, I have to make major decisions on a daily basis - even who to hire or fire. Of course, it beats being micro-managed, but at this age I think I prefer to learn from other older business persons than to have to bear these kind of decisions daily. NOT FUN.

P Dowdy's book is about reclaiming the 'mountains' in our workplace, identify which of the 7 you are in, and claim them! Immediately, the 'mountain of 'media' stood out. I remember my videographer Eileen Chong saying (to random people, but I was around) we/she had to reclaim the media industry for God, (some time back.) Because I am not directly involved in producing media, but rather, facilitating, I never felt the stirring in my heart to claim or state that I am in this industry... but again and again, there was the phrase ' what has God put into your hand (and what are you going to do about it) Also, I never really liked people who were all talk and no action - or who lacked a proactive or initiative to do WHAT WAS RIGHT...not my style!


In the book:

PG 27 "Every marketplace Christian and business person must begin to ask themselves: WHAT HAS GOD PUT INTO MY HAND?"
PG 47 "WHAT HAS GOD PUT IN YOUR HAND, and what have you done to bring increase to these resources?"

....

My mom's friend, one auntie in our block fr FCBC, lent the 2nd book to Mom who kept nagging me to read, somehow Mom knows best. She says long queue for the book so I better finish it soon...

When I opened the 2nd book, again;

PG xi "When God called Moses, He asked him, "WHAT DO U HAVE IN YOUR HAND?"
PG 11 "I remember the Lord saying to me like He did to Moses, "What is the staff or rod that you have in your hands? Use what I have put in your hands all these years."

I was stunned. It's no coincidence that 2 SG apostles wrote similar things in their latest book, and I believe this word is not only for me but for many people as well (that is why I am forsaking my sleep to type this, aye)

I feel sad that my generation has forgotten how to fast and pray. To really pray. When have we really prayed for something until it came to pass? And to take ownership of our cell or workplace or industry or family clan or...?

Sometimes we do not think we have enough in our hands... It's true, everyone is affected and have lost money or opportunity in some ways. There is the atmosphere of fear, paralysing fear.

But what's important is that in the midst of all these , we reclaim our 7 mountains, be it the mountains of family, church (people), education (school), media, arts/entertainment/sports, business, government. Give me this mountain!

I just wanted to share how the books I read recently touched me, along with the service. Prayer is like 100-plus... when you have not drank it for long, you forget about it... but when you are reminded about it, suddenly you long for that refreshing, thirst-quenching feel!

Then you wonder how could you have forgotten about it in the first place.




Always good to read books.
Especially those written by Apostles (who know better and can hear better!)

prayed

Getting my reading fix this week by indulging my transportation hours with Victor Hugo's Les Miserables.

Somehow, the classics I choose always seem to resonate with the kind of situation I am facing in my everyday life. The last, Jane Austen's Persuasion, the heroine met her true love at 19... sigh.

These books are found at MPH Raffles City for only $5.89... quite a steal.
All the characters in Les Miserables very poor thing one... makes me feel sort of gladdened that we live in this day and age where no one is destined to be so miserable. Still, we have our little troubles and fears.

Read this interesting piece which I shall reiterate here:

They pray.
To whom?
To God.
Pray to God, what is meant by that?
Is there an infinite outside of us? Is this infinite, one, inherent, permanent; necessarily substantial, because it is infinite, and because, if matter were wanting to it, it would in that respect be limited; necessarily intelligent, because it is infinite, and because, if it lacked intelligence, it would be to that extent, finite?

Does this infinite awaken in us the idea of essence, while we are able to attribute to ourselves the idea of existence only? In other words, is it not the absolute of which we are the relative?

At the same time, while there is an infinite outside of us, is there not an infinite within us? These two infinites (fearful plural!) do they not rest superposed on one another? Does not the second infinite underlie the first, so to speak? Is it not the mirror, the reflection, the echo of the first, an abyss concentric with another abyss? Is this second infinite, intelligent also? Does it think? Does it love? Does it will? If the two infinites be intelligent, each one of them has a will principle, and there is a 'me' in the infinite above, as there is a 'me' in the infinite below. The 'me' below is the soul, the 'me' above is God.

To place, by process of thought, the infinite below in contact with the infinite above, is called 'prayer'.

It goes on.
I shall finish 'book one' by this week and buy 'book two' next week!

cultured

L's wedding last year, this month. Time flies huh?

Love Is.

The conversations I have had recently about love, serves to deviate my mind away from the other irksome, worrisome matters at hand. (Although, I'm still aching for a talk with MrCheerful.)

Even our ministers are worried that people my age are not getting married and re-populating our small island nation. They should be, because population growth = housing growth = economy growth = more $ for everyone. But 'pushing' it is not the key. If we get married 'prematurely', more social ills will arise such as broken families, divorce, crime rates up, more gays, you can imagine. So boosting the economy of now would have severe destructive effects here years later. Apostle and I were debating about abortion. His stand is that every individual has a right to live. I read somewhere that most babies born to teenage, black mothers out of wedlock, do not do well - in fact, the rise in teenage pregnancies in this demographic leads to higher crime rates in those part of America, plus the babies that grow up are often incarcerated averagely about 3 times in their lifetime. (Read it in some social trend book.) So, to me, it seems like their destinties have been set from an early age.

If you were the parent, would you want to give birth in such a manner, knowing the statistics?

Then again, as Apostle mentioned, giving birth to them did not cause the social ills. Rather, there are many factors to look into, such as the broken family cycle, being impoverished and the social environment they were brought up in, etc. So I guess, everyone does have a right to life, although at times it is often unfair.

I have a lady friend, same age as me who is married. Because her Malaysian husband had some health concerns, she now has to scrimp and save. I wonder why her life has to be so hard, from the beginning. It seems like their marriage has to go through one trial after another. At the end of all this, I suppose her character will be stronger than the rest, but I'd rather not be in that position all the same. She wants to have babies too - she's the nurturing type, that's why she is married at a young age, but having them now would only cause her to have more tension and stress. I asked her how she managed to scrimp and save, she said she buys those $2 makeup products from Daiso. Recently, I bought the slightly lower-end foundation from Sasa... which is about 1/3 the price of my usual brands. Was so scared to buy it, as I am rather sensitive to some ingredients... you can imagine my apprehension... I tested them again and again on my hands and walked around the shop wondering if I'd buy and, too scared to use, it becomes a waste of money, so I should just buy the brands I'm used to, etc etc... ... I asked her if the $2 blusher was good, she just shrugged and replied that it was cheap, it will have to do. I rather admire her being able to do that for her husband, to me, that is a wordless act of love. By sacrificing your 'face', or even your beloved brands or some things you are used to having, like familiar comforts, to forsake them for an entirely new environment.

Love is a choice.

When you love someone, someone not meant to, someone of same gender perhaps; or a married party, or someone you know you shouldn't, you have a choice. You can choose to engage with the person, or to quell your feelings. It hurts the way unrequited love hurts - it becomes a small crack in your heart.

The people of my culture in ancient days believed in matchmaking. A photo seals your destiny. For me, it's a song...

The Li Ethnic Group: The Li people who live on Hainan Island are monogamous. When a daughter reaches 16, her parents will build near their house a small cottage called "Nong Gui" where their daughter can live and court her lover. In the evening, boys will come to the cottage of the lover of their hearts. Outside the cottage, the boy plays the mouth string organ and the nose flute and sings love songs. If the girl is interested and decides to accept him, she will reply to his songs and then let the boy come in. If the boy sings three songs and still gets no reply from the girl, that means he is not in her type and he has to leave. This special courting way is called by the Li people "village tour".

Haha...one day I'm going back to visit my ancestors. I heard there's 1.11 million of them there. Ancestors are wise, always good to let the girl choose the guy instead of the other way round. *claps*

(...Maybe that's why I like people to sing to me. Innate response!)


In Western cultures, the one which we are most familiar with, we choose our partner for love. Most of us don't understand how someone can marry someone they do not love, just based on a photo, or on a song. But often these marriages are not long-lasting compared to the more traditonal ones. Those who have the faith, perhaps we should seek God as our matchmaker.

I did. Because in 5 or 10 years' down the road, when tough times and storms come, I don't want a pretty face beside me or just someone who says he loves me, I need someone who has a character to love me, wordlessly.

Love songs also welcomed, though.

hibernate!

starting to think again...

My cerebral matter is calibrated to optimal...functioning. Woowee. I've started to speak proper English and think in obscure words again!

Just had a deep thought today about God.
I wonder if, it was true that God placed everyone in our lives for a reason, all the idiots, the irritating people... HA.

Imagine, your acquaintance of 4 years back is your best friend now. Or your biz network chap you meet up once in a while for tea to try to sell something to, eventually introduces you to your boss. Is it really true that everyone, every single person is placed into our lives for a reason... and that reason is perhaps 'for God to know and for you to find out.'

While thinking about that I wanted to re-emphasize to my just-out of hibernation cerebral matter that I had a few values, hopefully, namely

- to treat all persons with respect, even though some may seem stupid and irritating,(okay, I am actually EASILY irritated, tsk tsk) but respect them, and I believe I can learn something from them.
-not do something for my own self-satisfying purposes that would intentionally harm or hurt another person.

Hopefully my brain is more powerful than, errr, my body... ...

I also realised, with a jolt, that sometime ago the goodly (yes this word does exist go check it out at www.dictionary.com: goodly, goodlier, goodliest...!) side of me wrote that one of the things I wanted to accomplish was to "help (a friend, someone!) to startup biz" and unknowingly am doing so in a way that I hope will at least generate some good publicity for him. Doing what I do best. It came as a jolt to me because at times I am carried away with the daily grind that I forget, my once lofty aspirations, of helping people get closer to God and earn a lot of money... (There are some.) Haha, weird as it is, I'm starting to realise that's a calling of sorts. Wait a few years and their 'returns' will be more than six figures and their spiritual returns perhaps even more! I'm glad to be of help. Can someone help me too? Lol!

So that is what I'm glad for today. Some days may be bad days but we all have our goodly aspirations to fall back on. Smile! It makes you look sexy.

cheerleader or critic?

Looking forward to The Church's camp and my extension in BKK. Hope I can get some filming done there too!

I've been asking God, you can call it 'praying fervently' about TBO. Embarking on a love relationship to lead to marriage would be one of, if not the most important thing in life - the decision to make it, and with who, should be, too.

I've hit upon what I can say now to people who ask me to date more often or to consider Mr So-and-so (actually no one asks me that, whew.) - 'God has someone in mind for me.' Heh. Actually I believe that when we all ask God, somehow or the other, He will reveal. Not only about this but about other things as well. CJ doesn't believe in 'the best one' but he believes that there are a lot of girls (Not a lot la, Uncle CJ) for him out there that could possibly fit into his life and vice versa. Well, when I make The Decision I wanna be 100% sure. Not to choose the 55/45% one and then wonder what happens if I choose the 45/55% one. Of course, not all decisions in life are that straightforward. Sometimes you wonder if you should have worked two more years before you started your startup, then you would have saved more $, but at the same time, you would have been two years older... ... There is no such straightforward decision to make in many areas, even the decisions everyday - what to buy, what not to buy, what to eat... There is also an element of surprise and fun, just trusting God to take you along in the journey of life.

Anyways I've always respected people who dared to venture out on their own, like CJ, like The Boss - people I'd be happy to lend a supporting hand to - but I did say a little discouraging thing to CJ this week. Nothing much really, just pointing out the 'downturn' factor which will affect his biz here in sg. But downturns affect everyone! And so, instead of pointing that out, I should have been a cheerleader instead of a critic. I've seen some entrepreneurs meet with a lot of disapointments and naysayers, but they really had the vision and determination to carry through, and I'd prefer to cheer on the heroes in my life.

Having gone through some rough times myself this year, I've had lots of advice thrown at me, all were well-meant, I don't doubt that anyone had ill intentions. But some I would say were ill-advised. If I had just blindly followed all the people giving me instructions or advice, I think I would be in a worse shape than I am now. I called one of my TAG team guys yesterday, and I was heartened to receive sensible, firm advice. I know I want to succeed in my marketplace, so a TAG team is a must for me to succeed. Being an extrovert I do look for people to guide me along. And sometimes when I'm down I need to blabber to a few people too.

I watched a bit of a rerun of Oprah today, it was a mother's day segment and they were interviewing Demi Moore who said something I could identify with, 'after all these years, I've learnt that I've not learnt anything much at all and I still need to keep on learning' - words to that effect. And something resonated in me, that I felt exactly the same way, especially at this point of time.

Though the inner me is always, always so thankful to God, sometimes the outer me doesn't show it. Though I like to see myself as a cheerleader, perhaps more often than not, I am a critic. I get frustrated all too easily by CJ who keeps asking me about bottomlines and value propositions, but in hindsight I know he means the best, and this frustration, channeled effectively, can only mean that I will be a better worker and a better me.


I think we are all learning, and it's important to keep learning. Sometimes the people in our lives faze us. Sometimes life sucks - or we feel that it does for an all-too-long period of time. It's good if we face the facts - and know that what is past cannot be changed so there's no point worrying about it everyday, or what people may say, or what people will try to do to us. As what my Tag team guy said, sometimes we just need to say firmly, 'Back off. Go away' - and we need to say that to our negative thoughts too.

Because everyone likes cheerleaders.

to knot or not

Heh. Been reading books non-stop, it's a good way to spend a relaxing weekend, something that I don't mind indulging in when I'm not otherwise occupied.

Bought this book 'to knot or not', I couldn't resist the title, plus it's a bestseller at Trumpet Praise. It's a christian book with excerpts from women who are married less than 10 years, some advice... Well I wouldn't usually buy such books but patience is not one of my virtues and sometimes for me it's just too easy to be distracted... so setting some principles in place is much needed, for me...

Was sharing with Cherry yesterday about the conviction I had about TBO. I also almost forgot, thank God for the friends he placed around me to remind me. Well, after 'surrendering all' last year, I specifically prayed to God to show me, in a way that I knew I could be 100% convicted and, not doubt again, and God did answer in a box - 'cause I wanted him to answer in a box... yeah I'm blabbering but I have my conviction about TBO. I believe that there is the right one for my life - and because I believe in that God will speak to me in that way about that, just like God speaks to people in the way they expect him too... My new friend CJ also says that God will speak to people in the way God WANTS to...

Well!

The book writes:

Most of us are mature enough to realize that the man of our dreams takes somewhat of a different form when we look at real-life men. Search for the rest of your life to find a man who meets every one of your wishes, and I'd love to see who you come up with. I think the Lord would never provide that person (if he exists!) because His plan for us is always different - and better (whether or not we realize it) - than what we would choose for ourselves. But how are we to know?

Some guidelines that a 23-year old gave in the book for choosing the man to share her life:

-Make sure I am on God's intended path for my life. Am I choosing the path that best enables me to be more like the woman Christ calls me to be?
-If the path is right, then my heart is in a position to hear God's guidance.
-If in a relationship with a man whose desire is to be all God intends for him to be, the answer to, 'Could he be someone I could marry?' is yes.
-The deciding factor to the question, "Is he THE ONE for me?" becomes the decision itself.

=)
I must pray more. Been quoting to many people, what P Dowdy said in bapod "Faith is the no-man's land between the revelation and the fulfilment of destiny." Gosh I hope I have enough faith!

And Archie also sent emails with encouraging thoughts, which I'd cut and paste here:

Psalm 118:24 NIV
Three of the biggest mistakes you can make are:
(1) Longing for yesterday. A lady wrote to a newspaper editor, 'Your paper is not as good as it used to be.' He replied, 'It never has been!' Learn from the past, but don't put a halo on it. The Bible says: (a) 'Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" for it is not wise' (Ecc 7:10 NIV). (b) 'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?' (Isa 43:18-19 NIV).

(2) Longing for the right somebody. It's better to want what you don't have than have what you don't want. The 'somebody blues' can cause you to finish up like the lady who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I married my husband; now it's too late!' Two dysfunctional people usually don't make one happy couple. When you're by yourself, at least you know who you're dealing with. God knows what you need better than you do, and 'No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly' (Ps 84:11). Instead of finding the right person, strive to become the right person!

(3) Longing for some future destination. It's a mistake to believe that when you arrive at a certain point you'll be happy; when you retire, take that trip or reach that goal. No, your happiest moments are along the way, not at the end of the trip. When it comes to living you can't improve on the Scripture 'This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it'

Some good advice for everyone.

see, God (Part 2)

It's like that with me, all the time. I get jolted - and I mean jolted by God, when He wants me to... should I say embark on the next phase of my life?

I was hesitating to put what I saw into words, and to put the words to my friends, knowing that many would be skeptical, or cynical, or both.

But I was thinking that, even if one person was touched, and somehow, believed again in the awesome power of God, then I don't mind the skeptics and the cynics. After all, I was just relating what I saw, believe it... or not.

=)

Thanks Lilo for the nice reply by the way.

"kudos!
Great testimony, it reminds me of how i should be pure in my heart so that i can "see" God, not because of seeing, but just wanting. :) Great testimony! Thanks for sharing, it really blessed my heart!!
Would u allow me to share this (without quoting your name) to my cell - main point is to wan to have a pure heart of God.
Hm! Those who are pure in the heart will see GOD! and its possible!! because you have done it before i can tell myself and others that I can see God! :D :D :D"

V encouraged.

And thanks Zero for pointing out that P Dowdy's sermon on Sunday related to my sharing in ways only God can fathom. I wasn't there but I shall download it.

So here goes.
Wherever in the world you are reading this, it is my heartfelt wish to let you know that God is beside you, too. And cares for your heartfelt desires. Immensely!

=====



In the last quarter of last year, I had depressive emotions due to certain situations I was in, and also because of my bad relationship choices and experiences in the past 2-3 years. It affected me to the extent whereby I could not work or do anything constructive, was weeping everyday and chronically ill for about 2 months. I was advised to attend DEW as it would be helpful, and I agreed.

About 3 weeks ago, I attended P Dennis' sermon on Authority Part 1, with my best friend Derrick who was sitting beside me. During the altar call prayer, I suddenly opened my eyes and looked beside him (he was seated next to the aisle) and looking down I saw a pair of odd, triangular shaped, blue feet. It did not look human to me, so I glanced to the side and found to my surprise that the body was transparent, although I had the sense of it being huge. The feet itself were huge, triple the size of my friend's, and it was a sky blue color - non solid, more of a 'difference clouds' effect. I only saw that for a split second. Big, blue, huge. And definitely non-human.

Later I just brushed it away attributing it to perhaps a reflection as we were seated quite near the screens. But I was also reminded that I would not open my eyes midway of prayer normally, unless I was prompted to. So, I asked church leaders and was directed to tell P Dennis himself. But we had no clue what it was or represented.

Last week, I attended DEW teaching (I went for ministry before teaching so already had about 4 sessions of counseling) and on Friday evening's ministry, there was an altar call for us, regarding God's love. Along with the rest, I went up. The DEW senior lady who prayed for me began with, "God loves you very much." In my mind, I was thinking, "Yeah OK, I know that. How very typical to say something like that."

But what she said next totally blew my mind.

She followed with,
"The way God will show His love for you,
He will show Himself to you.
First you will see His feet,
and the outline of His body."

When she said that, something inside of me broke and I just wept and wept. I could not believe what she said, yet she had said exactly how I had seen Him, 2 weeks earlier. It was like the old song which me and my best friend loved to sing together while walking along the road towards church: "Just one glimpse of His glory... ...And I will never be the same"

I really saw Him just for a split second.

As I cried to Him, my frustrations, fears, everything, was being pulled out and dealt with. It was like experiencing God's UNCONDITIONAL love for the first time, all over again.

On the way home, I couldn't stop crying tears of joy.

I remember that for the longest time, I always wanted to see God. Just to see God. I've never wanted to be meek to inherit the earth, but what I did want was to see God. "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God." Just a month ago, on my blog, I wrote in response to Trinity's bulletin handout:
Sunday, March 16, 2008
pure in heart
Read this in The Church's bulletin handout, about how 'those who are pure in heart will see God.'

For me, this is the only 'Beautitude' that I can remember, perhaps because I like it the best! Well... I've always wanted to see God. I don't have any fears or worries about seeing Him. Maybe because for as long as I can remember, I can sense the presence of God around me, and I always feel blessed, somehow. It's hard not to acknowledge God when almost all of your prayers have been answered.

I like the part where it says:
'Let me start with a definition. The word 'pure' can mean 'without contamination'. A person who is pure in heart will therefore be able to see God where others may not. And will be able to hear Him when others cannot. Or they may be able to talk to Him in a way that others wish they could.
... I want to see God.'

But I always thought that I was too sinful and would not be able to see Him.
In my Bible this verse reads

You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

On hindsight, it is thanks to DEW that I am able to see God - once all my past sinfulness, and strongholds were dealt with - I was made pure - inside. In fact, that week, although I did not realise, I was in as good a state as I could possibly get, in terms of purity. I'm still overwhelmed that I could be able to see God - just for a split second.

=)

pure in heart

Read this in The Church's bulletin handout, about how 'those who are pure in heart will see God.'

For me, this is the only 'Beautitude' that I can remember, perhaps because I like it the best! Well... I've always wanted to see God. I don't have any fears or worries about seeing Him. Maybe because for as long as I can remember, I can sense the presence of God around me, and I always feel blessed, somehow. It's hard not to acknowledge God when almost all of your prayers have been answered.

I like the part where it says:
'Let me start with a definition. The word 'pure' can mean 'without contamination'. A person who is pure in heart will therefore be able to see God where others may not. And will be able to hear Him when others cannot. Or they may be able to talk to Him in a way that others wish they could.
... I want to see God.'

It's hard to be 'pure in heart', but it's harder to stay 'impure'. You know, the oft-mentioned quote that if you do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, that's insanity... this quote is always said in motivational books... which I truly agree, but most people cannot see that their lifes, whether it be spiritual or career wise, they always do the same-old same-old, 'stuck in their comfort zone', always wondering why they are not successful, or happy, or rich... (I just finished reading 'Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, T. Harv Eker)... and they just like to be comfortable, but never achieving their spiritual destiny or the plans that God has for their lives! Even at this young age, I've already seen many people 'stuck in this rut'. They never seem to be satisfied with what's going on at any point in their lives. They always feel unappreciated in their job. Some even feel like it's unfair, how come such and such a person gets less workload then them, but same salary... ... and unsurprisingly, some of these people are church leaders in The Church! =(

I wish that they will be happy someday but I can safely bet that if I meet them again 2 years down, the complaints will inevitably be similar... unless God, or something changes their lives.

For me, it's actually easier counting the blessings than complaining for an hour. It's not that my life is easy. I've had my fair share of troubles too and, perhaps more, than the average Joe. (I have a friend named Joe and he's really above average! heh. Sidetracked!) But I think it's all about focus as well. If we only focus on the negativities, there is no way we're going to 'tahan' our job. Or our partner. Or living in Singapore, for that matter... Our existence will be meaningless and temporary, forever waiting for a once in a lifetime opportunity, to strike the lottery, waiting for someone to lift us out of our miserable existence... ... Wait a minute. Life is not supposed to be like that. So, it's actually easier, to live 'pure in heart', than 'impure in heart'. It's tougher to live with impure motives and wanting to sabotage your friends or talk bad about people. Try it! =)

Broaching this subject, I now don't doubt at all that God has prepared The Best One (mate) for my life, and through the many affirmations, revelations, encouragements from friends etc, I am now at a place where from 'not His will but mine be done', ie - wanting my own way, my own choices, to really submitting to His plans, becoming a woman of destiny in my own right. It's amazing how by just praying - I remember praying 'I surrender all' during those tumultuous times last November - to the peace of mind I have when I think about this subject of love, relationships and a lifetime soulmate. I'm overwhelmed by the support of friends and the love of God.

And although TBO does not have a clue, I am now really opening my heart towards him, in a way that only God can orchestrate. I now find that he is perfect for me, when previously, his unclelish, chinese ways got on my nerves. I know he always has a special opening of his heart towards me for years, just that I've always pushed him away or disregarded it. I feel that my care for him is a natural thing as I've realised that I've always really cared for him in a sweet, tender way, not knowing why. And I believe God will help. It's definitely hard not to say somethings that will... erm, give him some hints, or maybe a clearer picture, but it's also fun to see how God will reveal. In His time.

The love He has for me, I cannot explain...

thoughtful people

Made a new friend today. =)
Showed someone relentless belief today. =)
Wrote CNY cards to clients... ...

God is so good to me, I think He knows that I need a friend everywhere I go. I used to have a nice colleague who was nice to me like a big bro, driving me to places, talking about life experiences and using my golf clubs... but he has changed jobs and is now at this bank, so I do miss the long kopi breaks chatting relaxedly about life. Today I made a friend at The Office. He reminds me of someone I love very much, and is a well-brought up kind of person, the angmoh but innocent type, very much like me. Anyways, we couldn't stop talking during the morning boring meeting, and after, during lunch too. Seems like I've found a chattering buddy of sorts. =) yay! It's nice to have good company, and today he poked fun at me by standing in my way intentionally, so sooner or later I'm going to have to make violent bodily threats... lol. In the midst of all that is happening, I'm glad I made a new friend today.

A 'ghost from the past' called me yesterday. We had a fling of sorts - I say fling because I'm not proud of it and at least on my side, we weren't serious. But I've long ago forgotten about it -or rather, remembering it does not cause me any distress save the embarassment that I once wrote rather silly, girlish things about our infatuation.

The 'ghost from the past' called me and apologized for his misdeeds, or for the promises he failed to fulfil to me. I was upset - although I remembered him and the way it was in a bad light, the thing that upset me most was that the past - the past with me in it somehow affecting his being, was something he could not walk out of. Maybe it's easier for me to walk away and forget, I do not know. But I was affected that somehow, I still had the 'power' to affect his present. The episode happened almost 3 years ago, and honestly, I didn't care about him that much, not at all.

I have some friends whom I've loved deeply, but they always appear sad. Maybe it's something that happened years ago that they can't get over.

For 'the ghost', I told him 'no worries' and that I don't blame him or anyone for anything that happened then. We were all young, and wild... ... =P not so wild, la...

I wanted him to be happy too, the way I was. I've tried hard never to let myself be bothered by all the things that had happened, I try my best to remain cheerful inspite of the things that happened. I still have eyes to see the beauty of God's creation, of the snow in Japan, I feel that I am in such a privileged position.

As all churches in sg are saying, new year, new beginnings. I really feel that this is a year of new beginnings for me; and it's never too late to begin.

jelly

It's a nice way to spend the Christmas season meeting friends in the afternoon and just catching up over coffee and cake. After everything this year, I'm really looking forward to 2008, and oh yes, being one year older.

Been drinking too much coffee though. In cold rainy weather it's always nice to warm the hands with a nice warm cappucino. I must say the toffeenut latte is really good. Warm, with cold whipped cream on top. Yum.

I also realized I have absolutely no sales resistance... I always end up buying 'more than I should'... the sales assistants in sg are doing a fantastic job I must say. Went to one makeup shop just to buy nail polish (nice shiny silver I like)... after unsuccessfully persuading me to buy a 'topcoat', she skilfully whipped out a small brush and started brushing some lipstick on me, saying that it is full of vitamins and minerals and this color complements me, etc... ... well, I must say that it really did... ended up buying it. Actually, I never wear lipstick... but this sales person was amazing. I couldn't even have one second of reflection! Haha. My first lipstick. Becoming an 'auntie' soon man...

So this week, had a wonderful time catching up with Jelly.
Travis introduced me to Shiner who introduced me to Jelly. I know, I know TOO MANY tall, young, eligible males in the church. It's not that I purposed to make friends with them, but it seems that guys like hanging out together, and together with me. Since I was young I gallivanted with the boys in my neighborhood so I think that explains much. I think guy friends make better friends too, at least I can catch movies withh them without having to discuss it later, or catch up over coffee without having to walk into numerous shops and giving my money away to skilful sales assistants. Guy friends make great listeners (maybe only the introverted ones?) and great dinner companions (they eat anything, and the leftovers on your plate).

Even after I get married I think I will still talk to some of my handsome, eligible, young, tall guy friends on the phone at times, so my husband gotta have a high self esteem.

So, me and Jelly caught up.

It's been said that through the down times, you know who your true friends really are, and you appreciate them better for being there.

I will always remember PS Chua's kind act, he sensed a need; Grant and Kie too, spent countless hours after church talking at the park below my house... and Jelly. Jelly is someone who sticks to his schedule almost to perfection, so I am touched when he offers to talk to me on the phone, and listens to me until everything's been said, just wanting to let me pour out on his strong woodblock shoulders.

He's been through tough times too, and I think a part of himself blames himself for it. Most of the tough times we go through in life, is self-caused. But I think you can't help emotions. And learning about your emotions and how to deal with them is a part of growing up as young adults.

I used to look at his situation, and look at mine, and wonder why it happened like this, and whether it will all be better again. But now when people ask me, whether I have 'recovered emotionally', I can honestly say that I don't feel a thing. Not that I am supressing what I feel, or becoming robotic... but I think I really have the joy of the Lord and wanting to walk with Him, wait on Him, now.

I remember a time when Travis told me, to pray and forgive. I said I can't. I just couldn't. But I did anyhow. And it helped. So the friend who dared to tell me what others did not dare to (or know how to) helps others the most, to recover, emotionally.

And our friendship is strengthened because of that bond. Because as friends we care enough about each other to speak out.

And I know that from now onwards, our friendship is no longer at the superficial 'hi-bye' level, it's no longer just hanging out and watching movies and feel empty after, because you don't even know the person beside you, even though you have known him for years.

I have grown up, in a sense.

I am becoming a woman of destiny...
And behind successful women there are always men. Lol!

new generation #2

A new generation... my new generation!

Am all fired up in faith to reach out to my community, my age group... my generation. I've always had a passion to bring more to church, bring more to the gospel. Somehow, I don't have the fear that grips most in asking people, even strangers to church. By a sheer coincidental meeting, I met Christian, who is a youth worker with Heart Church located near The Church. And, last friday, attended a meet with quite a number of youth ministers. I was glad to represent The Church.

One thing the Swede pastor (blonde!) Joakim preached really struck me, he said "Young people who are destined to commit suicide will not commit suicide." I just went to a talk on mental illness and demonization, and depressed people who are not on medication, a high percentage will eventually commit suicide. Christians believe there is a suicide spirit behind this, and it seems to be getting stronger. To me, anything, be it mental illness, work, relationships, anything that takes you further from God and hinders your joy in life is definitely not of the Lord. Looking at the young people worship God in CStone Church, I still don't have a heartbeat for them, nooooo. But I know I can help. And I want to. The road ahead is not easy and I've been crying out to God for more people to help me along. I just need everyone to put in a bit for Christ.

It pains me to see people just overwhelmed by the world. And maybe they will say to me, 'But you don't understand, your work is not like mine, your world, your life is so easy, compared to mine.' And maybe they are right, maybe I don't understand. And it's not easy to understand my position either. Stepping out in faith and planting cells, who asked me to? And I do have doubts. But looking at the way God has grown us without us really stressing over it, we can't deny it's the hand of God upon us. I just hope that we will have the ability to trust God more. That no matter what we are facing or feeling, we can find the strength to look to Him.

I was overwhelmed by my feelings today. One thing about me is that I don't allow myself to think too much, or to cry. Sometimes I think until I get so physically tired I have psychosomatic fatigue and just cannot get out of bed. And I'm still having many questions for God. Sometimes when you are hurting inside so much, you wonder why God still tells you to reach someone for Him. How come you can still talk to people despite the fact that everything's not ok.

It was raining heavily this morning. After Church, cold, with soggy feet drenched by the downpour, Zero and I were just talking about the 'song in our head', a song that is put into us spiritually, and it just hums along as we go about in life. For him, it was the song, 'Come Holy Spirit, fall on me now...I need your anointing, come in your power' and we just sang it softly, over and over again, together, while walking along the pavement with the branches alongside the long road to the bus stop and the cars on the other side.

I'm reaching for your heart
You hold my life in your hands
Drawing me closer to You
I feel your power renew
Nothing compares to this place
Where I can see you face to face
I worship you
In Spirit and in truth

One line by one line, we continued singing the song, softly, wholeheartedly; till we reached the destination.

It's the small moments like this when I realise that God is with us, and He is helping me through.

Put down your stones (continued)

Put down your stones, continued. Please read previous post.

She made a thousand choices that led, inevitably, inexorably to a moment like this.

Let's pause for a moment.

The point that the author(John)of the biblical text where this story was written is actually not about the adulterous woman, but more about the 'righteous men' trying to ensnare Jesus in a sort of inescapable situation. Frankly, they were looking for something to accuse him of.

The Law says she should be stoned. The Roman authorities had forbidden the Jewish authorities from executing anyone. It's a Catch-22 situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So the Jewish leaders, much like the church leaders of today, just stand there, all looking smartly dressed in their black suits and expensive ties and shoes, just formal enough to be recognized as 'leaders'. They don't make a decision. They just stand there, with the awful words they have just spoken, ringing in the woman's head. "This woman... was caught in the act..."

Let's pause for a moment before you judge them too quickly. Are you holding a stone in your hand right now? We are most 'scandalized' by sins of the flesh. Jesus was most scandalized by sins of the spirit. It's not possible to love God and to despise people. A heart enslaved by coldness does not even notice how insidious the sins of the spirit can be. You just walk through life with a stone in your hand. Judgemental thoughts. A superior attitude. Impatient words. Bitter resentments. One thing the community of stone-throwers enjoyed: passing judgement on the spiritual inferiority of others. They looked forward to it. A woman is caught in adultery. Other people/leaders in the church talk about it. "Did you hear? What a shame. The poor children. How could she?" They shake their heads, disapprovingly. The stones will kill. What might our community look like if nobody in it were to pick up a stone?

So there they stand. Imagine with me. A woman, shivering, waiting to die. Her judges, with stones in their hands; and Jesus. The stone throwers ask him: "What do you say?"

Jesus does a curious thing. He bends down and starts writing on the sand. It bothers them, this act. He doesn't seem to be paying any attention to them. He writes, on and on. The Bible doesn't say what he was writing, so we have to guess. Maybe Jesus was a 'doodler', scribbling on the sand. Maybe he was writing the Ten Commandments.

Jesus stands up and speaks:"Go ahead and stone her. That's what the Law says. Just one rule: Let the man without sin go first."

One intruguing idea (dating back to the fifth century) was that Jesus was writing down the names of the sins of the leaders in the group. For instance: "Standing at the window watching adultery take place a lot longer than was necessary to gather evidence..." Whatever he is writing, he confronts these men with a decision. Throw stones if you want. It's your call. Condemn her. Pass judgement. But make sure you are sinless yourself. Just remember that sinful people are in no position to throw stones.

Then an amazing thing happens. Somebody lets go of his stone. Then another. And yet another. Maybe their hearts melt a little and they become more human. Maybe they remember when they first started out as leaders, young, and passionate, and in the life-saving business. Maybe they remember how it is like to stand in the need for forgiveness. None of the stones get thrown in anger. There is no room in Jesus' community for throwing stones. All of us are too broken.

You know the end of the story. No stones get thrown. It's a happy ending for the woman, whose sins lead to other inevitable sins. Deceit. Betrayal. Finally, despair.

Go and sin no more. Said Jesus. He was the only one who had the right to throw a stone. But he did not. Instead, he accepted her. Acceptance is not the same as tolerance. He did not fail to confront and to speak the truth in love. He helped her, by showing her how to heal. For the woman to fully examine her acceptance will require entering into a new way of life. The same grace that liberates her from past sin calls her to walk FREE of them in the future.

Radical acceptance.
Imagine being known as one who will never pick up a stone.

==
For me, it was a happy ending too. I learnt that there was truly no condemnation in The Church. After a six month period of healing, I still became a leader. Just that I was a very different one. Sometimes I wonder why do I have to go through these experiences. I guess it makes me a better leader. More importantly, I won't pick up any stones to throw at anyone.

Though my story is different, in essence it is the same.

Will my future husband throw a stone at me? I learnt how to be faithful to my husband, before even meeting him, in anticipation of the 'forever' we must learn to cherish.

No matter what.

Gratefully taken from the chapter "Put down your stones: Acceptance" from John Ortberg's "Everybody's normal until you get to know them." I've used lots of liberties and added my own personal touch so it's not my thoughts, but I'm just deeply inspired to share these chapters in my life right now. There is no better time, anyway.

Pause. Put down your stones. Put down your masks.

Being in this new cell has taught me many things. Things about myself that I have previously not known. There's neverending things to learn, and this period, I've learnt so much, it's almost as if I'm learning how to live, again.

I've learnt how to emotionally connect with people, and I've learnt that doing so does not empty you - it actually empowers you with more, more emotions, more passion, more love.

And I never realised that being so open about my 'fleshly sins', issues and struggles have led to people being drawn to me, just because of my sincerity. It's been years since I took of my mask and been who I am, just like this, so thank you to all those who have seen me, through, and offered a helping hand and not throw stones at me. You know, it's the only way to live. Without masks, without fanciful words that sounds impressive but mean nothing - without tonnes of people who know you, but no one who really cares enough to meet you at your darkest times. I've learnt that long ago to put my mask down, even though at times it is tempting to put it back on again... In the area where I work, most people have to put on masks, and most of the time it's for a good reason. But what I'm afraid is that the mask becomes a part of my psyche, a part of my persona that I cannot rid.

One day if I start talking all high and mighty and have the 'sales gleam' in my eye, please give me a slap.

Are you a mask-wearer?
Wearing masks may give you lots of company, but they won't last long. To really draw people - we have to be human enough.

==

Are you a stone thrower?

Imagine with me... you have a friend, someone who goes to the same church as you do. (It could possibly be ME.)

This woman had been a young bride with dreams about what married life could be like. She had many dreams, of praying, worshipping together with her husband, of raising a family. But maybe things did not turn out the way she had planned. Somewhere along the way, she had sinned. It all started out innocently.

A harmless schoolwork assignment.

She had asked for help from a man older than herself, and very much suave and conversational. He seemed to want to listen to the things she had to say. Which was a powerful thing for an aching heart. At first it was all quite innocent. Then one day they crossed a line. Maybe it was a shared look that implied a certain desire. Maybe it was the sharing of secrets that violated her fiance's confidence and trust.

Then one day, she crossed a line. A passionate kiss in the car as he drove her home. But she chose.
Then she started crossing other lines, until this became a full blown affair. She entered into a state of apiritual despair, though she didn't know it yet. As long as it was secret, it was as if she were living two lives in different worlds.

Sin unchecked always leads to more sin.

She used to be a truthful person. The first time she lied to her fiance about where she was going so she could be with this man, her heart was pounding, she was blushing, and she was sure he could sense she wasn't telling the truth.

And each time she went to church and served in the worship team, on stage as a singer, singing to hundreds of people, she was sure God would strike her dead with a bolt of lightning. But no one found out. There was no lightning. God did nothing. And it continued on, as she tried not to think too much about God. She tried to think about other things during the prayers.

She has become a hypocrite. Then comes one day - she is with this man that she has been with. This day, it happens. There have been people watching and waiting. They seize her and take her to Jesus. She screams, cries, begs for mercy... ...

She would give anything if she could go back to where she first crossed the line. But she can't. You can never go back. She sees her sin, exposed before everyone. Her Sectional Leaders and her Pastor whom she has loved so much. Her members. And she suddenly realised why she's here: she chose it. She chose this life.

That's not all there is to it. She was hurt and wounded and had needs that went unmet. But she is not just a victim. She made a thousand choices that led, inevitably, inexorably to a moment like this.

(To be continued...)

Taken some liberties from one of the chapters from John Ortberg's 'Everybody's normal until you get to know them', a book you must read. (In Penelope's book collection)

Making dating work

Some musings after finally finishing up reading 'Boundaries in Dating' (Four popcorn rating from Spiritedly.)

For someone who serves God in a capacity that will most likely scare away lesser guys, I date - quite a lot. Not to be proud of it or anything, but put it this way: If you are a girly girl and the number of guys you know is zero, then you are not likely going to be on many dates. But if you are the opposite of a ladies' man (what is that, a mens' lady???) and your guy acquaintances number in the hundreds, including all the clients and people you meet, then, well, the dating scene is quite, interesting. I do have certain ideals I'd like met in a guy, and I'm saying this very objectively - I think I'm at the age where I don't want to date 'just for fun' or 'just to know what I want in a guy'. I think I do know, and God-willing, the next one will be the finale. The tiramisu after the pasta. The cherry on the ice-cream. The... well, you get the picture.

The book has brought me back to the past where at this juncture I can now fully appreciate how miserable I was because perhaps, I did not set the right boundaries, or having made mistakes in the past, I was perhaps doomed to repeat them. A horrid curse on my dating life? During dating Xerxes last year I realised somewhere along the line that I would never be able to...live with him. (In fact, I'm not sure too if anyone would be able to live with messy old me) Each time we(he) talked about a long life together I would shudder in fear. And dreaded the 'after-this' talks. Anyhow...I realised what was the missing ingredient, besides obviously having not enough affection for him to go the long run. Here's a few, excerpted from the book (The terms are the book's; the examples are mine and I guess we can all identify with them):

1. Dominating: The Dater won't hear NO from The Date. When Date disagrees, Dater intimidates, threatens or rages.

For example, Dater keeps making Date go to a place of his convenience for lunch/weekend/etc, and always do what he likes...without caring if she likes them too, or PREFERS doing something else with her time. Just because Date seems to have more free time, Date has to do all the traveling around.

2. Withdrawal: One person pulls away when the other exercises some freedom or difference. He may isolate, sulk, or be silent. But he is passively punishing his date for her differentness.

I am guilty of this. =( I am aware of it and am working on it. Not only on dates, but when I get too provoked, too challenged, etc...I will just "log off" - distant myself from God, from that friend, from that situation. I thought that I was just being non-confrontational, but I am really hiding away from the situation. I guess I am not ready to be emotionally challenged, so I just withdraw and over the years it has become a sort of reflex for me. Snowman is helping me with this!

3. Manipulating: One person shows disrespect by subtle strategems designed to make the other person change his mind.

I think all of us are guilty of this at any one point, but we must be aware and change our manipulative actions - it actually points to being selfish and not loving the other person, which is a deeper issue. In the later part of my relationship, I think I behaved like that in certain ways as well.

4. Direct violation: The person disrespects by continuing the same hurtful action, even after being asked not to. He keeps doing it.

Once, after a really minor disagreement, to my utmost amazement and surprise, instead of comforting me, Xerxes just hopped onto his bike and zoomed home - to sleep. Obviously this is only done by the ones who deserve death. (But I am oh so tolerant, or maybe just stupid.) And he did it again. And again. This led to me feeling rejected and self-destructive (attention seeking behavior.) The weird part about it if I can remember clearly is that he never apologized in person for his actions, only smsing an apology the next day. Come on, girls all know that it screams insincerity.

5. Minimizing: Dater says The Date's negative feelings are simply an overreaction.

Was told that so many times, in fact almost each time I brought up something, that I was really psyched to believe that 'it was my fault' and 'I was over reacting' 'I behaved like a feeler' 'I was too emotional'.

6. Blaming: When The Dater talks about the problem, The Date indicates that he himself caused the problem.

For example a man will tell his girlfriend that it hurts when she makes fun of him in public. She might respond with, "If you would pay more attention to me, I wouldn't have to resort to that."

Well, this is not a problem for me. =) One out of 7... boundaries need to be guarded well...

7. Rationalising: The other person denies responsibility for whatever caused the problem.

Like if one party is always late, he excuses himself by saying, it was the traffic, etc... chronically. (traffic is always the same, what...)

More thoughts on boundaries later. I am learning so much, it seems that every chapter in my Life brings new things and there is never enough to learn. The last book my Mom bought for me? "The Marriage Covenant." *puke* Maybe I will lend it to Travis since he attended the 'childrens programme' in our Church's life conference haha! But this book is superb...and it's a subtle hint my parents want me to move out soon.

A red hot coal...

What He's done for me, is so amazing...
and I know He will do for you, what He's done for me.

Think about coals. I've been thinking of them for the past day or so. Because, during The Church's Sat service, it was preached that we, in our spiritual walk, can be likened to coals. Red-hot, or almost burnt-out... or worse, lukewarm.
I cannot get the words out of my head. Thus, been thinking about coals.

During this weekend, I prayed for more friends who can guide me spiritually.

All along it's always been Travis, with occassional insight from Knarf, and recently, Snowman. But I need more, more people to help me climb out of the mire and into a new place.

It's been an amazing weekend.

And right after saturdayservice, Jelly smiled at me.

He's also one of those people who have impacted my life so, by doing something beautiful for me, something I never thought he - or anyone, would do.

When I broke up early this year, on that day itself, I smsed a few friends. I wasn't heartbroken really, but of course, kind of sad. Jelly immediately insisted that I call him - since he was free, having a break between study periods. I did not really want to, but he insisted, and that talk was a relief, a breaking down, and I'm touched to know that he really cared, for someone who was perhaps hurting but did not want to show it.

So, like an answer to prayer, Jelly asked me, what kind of coal did I think I was. He shared that he's definitely not burnt out, but not red-hot either. Something like lukewarm, he identified. And then happily said that he'd check on my progress (spiritual doings) the next week when we meet during saturdayservice. Such an answer to prayer.

Later that evening, I received an sms out of the blue from a girl friend musician in The Church. She wanted to meet the next day - and I also shared how she was an answer to my prayer then. God always answers my prayers - I am amazed how instantaneously he does!

It's important to have a positive response to the doings of God. No matter what, whether or not you were filled with the Holy Spirit, whether you believe in the power or not, give Him the respect that He is doing something in the lives of other people. And you can choose, for your own life, whether or not you want to participate in this. As long as we have a bit of Faith, God will use that little bit to shape us, transform us, and help us to be better leaders of tomorrow's world.

When I was being prayed for, all I said inside was, 'me, me, me.' Use me, Help me, speak to me.
Yes God, I want something more. I want something more.

In quietness and trust.

I like quiet guys
Because they can listen to me without interrupting.
Because then, I can talk more. And making them laugh always gives me joy, too.

I once had a friend, I'll never forget him. I'll never forget what he did for me.
He listened to me not talk - this was on the phone.
It was my finals and I was too stressed, I couldn't utter a single word.
He was probably playing games or something. Yet he listened to my unspoken stress.
Some things are better left unspoken.

It's amazing how peaceful I feel, not speaking much this weekend. Oh, I wanted to talk, but I just couldn't say much. Almost like travelling with myself, you don't get to talk much when you are traveling alone. I do enjoy it at times. Meatball wrote from Bali. He's doing all sorts of sports there. And mostly I think he doesn't speak much to people. I guess he likes this feeling as well.

Back to the cluttered world that gives me headaches and nightmares.

Sometimes when I don't really feel like speaking much, I wonder if you will be there, beside me, just understanding my need for peace and a little time spent meaningfully in silence. Maybe we talk so much that God doesn't speak anymore. Or we just neglect to listen at times. Have you heard the wind - God is in the wind, in the morning breeze, in the soft nightfall sounds. God is everywhere and He is waiting to speak to you, and me.

inadvertently

Reasoning, inadvertently.

It's the 'take two hands to clap' theory.
I had an insightful week, to say the least. Misconstrued notions and such. Sometimes the metaphysical aligns to the spiritual that both forms perfect symmetry. How do you react to certain people, and what is their reaction to you?

Sometimes people get on my nerves and I snap at them, like a snapping animal that has been over poked, over provoked. I don't take kindly to people who say meaningless things, especially those whom are not even friends, so, please control yourself before I snap. When people insult others, and do the same again and again, there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Maybe it reflects a certain insecurity in their character and self confidence that requires them to put others down to feel good about themselves. Maybe this trait runs strong in individuals with 'High X' profiling, more so than any other. If I were a wee simpler, I guess I'd be much happier not exerting my brain over such things. I'd just accept them for who they are and ignore the caustic ones. But I tend to analyze.

There are always many reasons for people saying things. You can't attribute it to just a single reason.

Maybe, some people enjoy being sarcastic because it gives them a fierce persona. Maybe, some enjoy keeping animals because they want to be seen as benevolent. Or helping the poor. Etc. As always, I question the reasoning behind the action. You can be all things to all men, it can be good. But it also can be bad if your reason is that you are ambitious and want to 'lose' your way to the top. I mean, losing yourself in the process. You may think that the last runner in a race is a definite loser. But you may not think that way if he is running on two artificial limbs... or if it is a marathon, and she did not win the race; but she ran - while three months pregnant with her first child. (True story, my colleague's daughter did that.) They are winners in their own right, just that measured by the world's standards, they fall short. If you do things out of duty than of love for the people, then I think it's not worth doing at all.

==

This phrase "The joy of the Lord shall be your strength" kept running through my head yesterday. I mean, I don't usually get such wongwong messages like this. I just wondered what it meant, was I supposed to tell someone and then someone would just be so touched by it? So I just told the ones I was close with, and prayed for it for the cell, during post service. But the next day it felt like it was, still 'there', so I smsed some people. It's quite a general term, don't you think? Yet I felt that somehow it was meant to be said for a purpose or something. Ah well. Someday someone somewhere will tell me, I hope. =)

Heard from Hans recently that Zero, our handsome friend, has not been coming to church or cell. Felt quite sad when I heard that. Zero actually brought Hans to church. Was close to Zero once upon a time - well close enough to share about spiritual stuff, chat on the phone, about the people we liked, and our destinies in God. I'm determined not to let him go that way, it just seems like a waste. Plus, handsome guys are always welcome in The Church, haha! Well, because of the fond memories I have, and the nice gentlemanly way he treated me (too nice, I prefer to be shoved around at times aye) sometimes, I can't forget those people who are nice to me. I end up liking them too much, but when I move on from the friendship, and when I meet them again, I have an irresistable longing to have that sort of bond again. Though, we've all grown up since then and have had a couple of relationships and graduated from school as well - but I hope he is still the same, nice, gentlemanly, pukingfyingly romantic white knight on shining armor type of guy that I once met, knew, and liked. Zero, I hope your life experiences, no matter how bitter they are, would not have taken away the person who is inside, and the Jesus that is inside. Shine, Jesus shine. I'm praying for a chance - a divine appointment, to meet him. And even though he does not want to be in contact with all the people in his ministry anymore, I hope he will still remember me, his friend from ages ago.

==

I crossed the 'suaning boundary', inadvertently. Oops.
And I was quite amused at one of the 'top 5 things we can work on' (to improve ourselves) - we have a similar one. Haha! Aye, Muffin and I tend to be 'insensitive to others at times'. and maybe slightly oversensitive to our own emotions, that is why such inadvertent crossings occur. It's not my intention to hurt anyone, by words, actions or attitudes, which I have done before. So boundaries are there for a reason. To make life more purposeful and relationships more joyful! So yes, you are stubborn and irritating too... but I am also intrigued by that! Because it's a mirror of me. Not all is doom and gloom though, it's really amusing to see your flaws manifested in someone that does a good impersonation of yourself. I'm glad at the way we can talk through things. I'm glad at the way we can talk about anything
(well, most things.) So maybe I was looking for a friend, like you.

Plus it was fun to be in cahoots to bully Elk. =)

grace above all.

"I see Amazing Grace as a song of very definite hope." - Peter Seeger



http://www.amazinggracemovie.com/castcrew_wilberforce.php

Watched this movie with the usual gang on Monday. Mondays are great days to watch movies, man! Besides having a incredible cast, the show really spoke to me, and the life of William Wilberforce. So I've dug up some information about him!

I'm inspired to start my life as an activist, sometime next year.

He also founded the RSPCA. I'm a low profile animal lover, so it gladdens my heart to hear that he adopts stray and injured animals.

==
You can see the diagram of the slave ship here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/christianity/people/williamwilberforce_2.shtml

Worst thing is that there is still slavery going on, in the world. A movie can inspire hearts, but it won't change lives if we just sit around and do nothing about it.

Amazing Grace (How sweet the sound)
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snare,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be for ever mine.



John Newton (played by Albert Finney in Amazing Grace) wrote the words to one of the most beloved hymns of all time between 1760 and 1770, while working as an evangelical pastor. Son of the commander of a merchant ship, Newton was captain of a slave ship for many years, until he underwent a dramatic religious conversion while steering his vessel through a storm.

Repenting and regretting the misery he had inflicted on the thousands of human cargo he had transported across the Middle Passage for many years, he devoted his life to the Church, and wrote the lyrics to many hymns which are still popular today.

In 1780 Newton left Olney to become rector of St. Mary Woolnoth, St. Mary Woolchurch, in London. There he drew large congregations and influenced many, among them William Wilberforce. Newton continued to preach until the last year of life, although he was blind by that time. He died in London December 21, 1807.

And to be more aware, you have to go to this website. It will change your heart.
http://www.theamazingchange.com/
On this site:
James

Whether in the U.S. or in countries such as Uganda, most fifth graders spent last summer escaping the rigors of school and enjoying the activities of a lazy summer vacation. Not James, an 11-year-old boy from northern Uganda. An abducted child kept as a slave in the Lord’s Resistance Army, he was forced to brutally kill his own brother who had been abducted with him. He was rescued from captivity, but demonstrates the fragile psyche of a child victim forced to kill or be killed.

James is now in a transit center in Lira, and the details of his abduction and captivity are just beginning to emerge from his silence. His deadened eyes and unwilling tongue betray the horror of recent months, when he was one of three brothers abducted by LRA rebels from their village. When one of his younger brothers tried to escape, the rebels pronounced a sentence of death as punishment as an example to other abducted children who would consider escape. The rebel leaders designated James and the third brother to execute their sibling using means too horrific to detail here. Adding to the horror, sometime later when James picked up a piece of cassava to chew on without permission, his overseer cut off part of his ear as punishment.

James was rescued in an army raid, but he is traumatized by the abuse of his captors, and although now free he needs enormous emotional and spiritual help if he is to recover and lead a productive life. This is the kind of enduring and critical help ChildVoice is trying to offer children enslaved by war.


Dare to stand up and change the world. Just a small change effects change the world around.

"Remember, God made (all) Man equal."