hibernate!

starting to think again...

My cerebral matter is calibrated to optimal...functioning. Woowee. I've started to speak proper English and think in obscure words again!

Just had a deep thought today about God.
I wonder if, it was true that God placed everyone in our lives for a reason, all the idiots, the irritating people... HA.

Imagine, your acquaintance of 4 years back is your best friend now. Or your biz network chap you meet up once in a while for tea to try to sell something to, eventually introduces you to your boss. Is it really true that everyone, every single person is placed into our lives for a reason... and that reason is perhaps 'for God to know and for you to find out.'

While thinking about that I wanted to re-emphasize to my just-out of hibernation cerebral matter that I had a few values, hopefully, namely

- to treat all persons with respect, even though some may seem stupid and irritating,(okay, I am actually EASILY irritated, tsk tsk) but respect them, and I believe I can learn something from them.
-not do something for my own self-satisfying purposes that would intentionally harm or hurt another person.

Hopefully my brain is more powerful than, errr, my body... ...

I also realised, with a jolt, that sometime ago the goodly (yes this word does exist go check it out at www.dictionary.com: goodly, goodlier, goodliest...!) side of me wrote that one of the things I wanted to accomplish was to "help (a friend, someone!) to startup biz" and unknowingly am doing so in a way that I hope will at least generate some good publicity for him. Doing what I do best. It came as a jolt to me because at times I am carried away with the daily grind that I forget, my once lofty aspirations, of helping people get closer to God and earn a lot of money... (There are some.) Haha, weird as it is, I'm starting to realise that's a calling of sorts. Wait a few years and their 'returns' will be more than six figures and their spiritual returns perhaps even more! I'm glad to be of help. Can someone help me too? Lol!

So that is what I'm glad for today. Some days may be bad days but we all have our goodly aspirations to fall back on. Smile! It makes you look sexy.

good daddy

Me, 'forking' (attack with a fork) GoodDaddy. He's oblivious to my fork attack and still smiling happily... lol!

I am in a reminiscent mood because I was sickly - first time sickly this year. Staying at home tends to put me into a restless, whirring buzz of inactivity. Staying at home while sickly is even more depressing. But when I am in this state it seems that my thoughts are clearer, and I don't/try not to think about work, just wanting to languish in the safe, sweet memories of the recent past.

We were (along with the other mission trip members) eating succulent seafood at this nice Bali beach -Jimbaran. It was really dark with only candlelight to go round and our chairs sunken into the sand made for a really unique dining experience.

Met up over a weekend dinner with Shiner and his lady colleague. During the course of the conversation, GoodDaddy urged me to sing (maybe he wanted to duet with me secretly?) the song 'What He's done for me', for the lady colleague who was new.

'What He's done for me' became like a theme song of sorts, for us. Due to the fact that we were rehearsing this song everyday during the mission trip, and singing it almost everywhere we went. And that shared moment, in which we both sang, at dinner on a saturday night; voices blending in harmony almost to a split second, was something that made my day!

It reminded me of the times we shared, in the mission trip, the way we led the school kids and the simple rifts of the guitar backing up our singing in the fields, in the van. I wanted to turn to him and just ask, "do you remember..." with a sparkle in my eyes... knowing that my question would be redundant because just by looking at him, I know that he remembers too, though not in the same way which I allude to it, but in a way that only circumstance-shared memories can change a person, and change that moment, into something special, for us.

I always have so many things to tell GoodDaddy. In fact, I store little treasure troves of memories in my mind, like an autopilot, to put them into the 'things I wanna tell him' category of stories and interesting stuff in my daily life routine. But each time I meet him, it seems that time is better spent, traversing in silence.

For where most people form a bond through talking words; our friendship is held through a comfortable, cheerful silence that means that we can just feel at ease in time and space; and with each other; walking, wordlessly.

Trying to Forget
short story

There comes a certain point of time in life when you realize that everything is just a façade, that nobody really cares if you have enough of yourself to last the whole month, or that if that fifty dollar bill in your wallet is supposed to take you through.
And while you can subsist on that, you listen, again, to your parents quarrelling, and tell yourself you will not let yourself get to that stage in your life.

But, perhaps, you already have.
And you lie in bed at night, tossing, turning, wondering if all the past sins you have done in your short life will come back and haunt you one day, or…or, not. And you weave dreams that can almost be believed in, if you did not have to wake up eventually and go to the monotony that is work, the next day. And the next , and the next. Until it is the weekend, again. So you weave dreams. You are not just an ordinary man trying to thrive in an environment that does not distinguish your abilities as worthy of value. For in this island the only value is the ability to make money and nothing else.

There are always ups and downs in life. I pray that when you are on an uptrend, you will not forget me. People are fickle, I know. I am, too. After all, we only seek out our friends when we need help, when we need to confide in them, or when we are bored. Sad but true, the schedules we adhere our lives to does not make room for the possibility of cultivating love between people. Only cultivate emotional bonds during downtimes. During uptimes, we forget, too easily. We forget that we had the fever, once and laugh at people who fall sick too easily. We forget that it takes more than a listening ear to bond with another person. It takes an open heart. And out of spite, or maybe pride, we fail to give the ones in our life who matters most our love, and our time. And then somehow later, we miss them. We wonder what has happened to us. Sure, we have more than a few fifty dollar bills in our pockets now. Maybe even enough to start thinking of getting a car, or a cute little minivan that is diesel powered.

But when you lie in bed at night, you know. You remember, somehow. Something that reminds you of them. Maybe you coincidentally come across their name in the Bible. Or you bump into someone who looks like them. So you tell yourself, it is up to you. That you have to try. No matter what it takes, all humans hearts have the inherent capacity for love. Give more of it, realize that you have even more left. If you want to do something great for God one day, start small. Believe in yourself. That no matter how difficult it is, you can thrive.

I am just an ordinary girl. For all my life, I had wanted to blend in. Not to be outstanding. Just average. Doing a simple job, having a simple life. I understand why people want to be outstanding. But do you understand why I want to be average?

I try to be funny sometimes, to make people laugh because I believe there is too much sadness in the world. So why add on to others' troubles, their issues, their complexes. I try, to understand the human psyche. Sometimes I think I know it very well. Other times I just can't be sure.

I appear incoherent at times although I am fully aware of my thoughts and feelings. Well, maybe not as fully as others with high emotional intelligence. I think it is difficult to surrender to God's will. Like William Wiberforce, I struggle at times. I have deep intellectual debates in my soul. And my expression takes on the world-weary, the haunted look of those fighting for their survival. How I wish I can just skip through life blithely, knowing God loves me and I Him and all is well within my soul. My blitheness at times is not a front though, I am truly at peace when I leave my mind at rest. Do you understand the turmoil within my heart? That now, I am letting go. Not because I don't care. I care too much. Is that a crime? To you it probably is. But to me, i identify with it more because of what happened before. But I've learnt from before. That letting go means staying free. It is not as if I do not care about the outcome, but to me, the outcome is not as important as what lies within. I scare myself with the intensity of my emotions. Its so much of a torture that many times I ask God to take it away from me. Not my will. Not my heart. And to release others who are in the same predicament.

To live in the will of God is more than what I could ask for. I think its important not to give up on yourself, even though you have failed in the areas you most wanted success. For me, maybe I gave up a long time ago. And I was not able to pick up the pieces, just trying to forget the pain.

It's never easy to look back at life and realize how it is, how he has blessed me.