*...a purposeful life...

Trying to Forget
short story

There comes a certain point of time in life when you realize that everything is just a façade, that nobody really cares if you have enough of yourself to last the whole month, or that if that fifty dollar bill in your wallet is supposed to take you through.
And while you can subsist on that, you listen, again, to your parents quarrelling, and tell yourself you will not let yourself get to that stage in your life.

But, perhaps, you already have.
And you lie in bed at night, tossing, turning, wondering if all the past sins you have done in your short life will come back and haunt you one day, or…or, not. And you weave dreams that can almost be believed in, if you did not have to wake up eventually and go to the monotony that is work, the next day. And the next , and the next. Until it is the weekend, again. So you weave dreams. You are not just an ordinary man trying to thrive in an environment that does not distinguish your abilities as worthy of value. For in this island the only value is the ability to make money and nothing else.

There are always ups and downs in life. I pray that when you are on an uptrend, you will not forget me. People are fickle, I know. I am, too. After all, we only seek out our friends when we need help, when we need to confide in them, or when we are bored. Sad but true, the schedules we adhere our lives to does not make room for the possibility of cultivating love between people. Only cultivate emotional bonds during downtimes. During uptimes, we forget, too easily. We forget that we had the fever, once and laugh at people who fall sick too easily. We forget that it takes more than a listening ear to bond with another person. It takes an open heart. And out of spite, or maybe pride, we fail to give the ones in our life who matters most our love, and our time. And then somehow later, we miss them. We wonder what has happened to us. Sure, we have more than a few fifty dollar bills in our pockets now. Maybe even enough to start thinking of getting a car, or a cute little minivan that is diesel powered.

But when you lie in bed at night, you know. You remember, somehow. Something that reminds you of them. Maybe you coincidentally come across their name in the Bible. Or you bump into someone who looks like them. So you tell yourself, it is up to you. That you have to try. No matter what it takes, all humans hearts have the inherent capacity for love. Give more of it, realize that you have even more left. If you want to do something great for God one day, start small. Believe in yourself. That no matter how difficult it is, you can thrive.

I am just an ordinary girl. For all my life, I had wanted to blend in. Not to be outstanding. Just average. Doing a simple job, having a simple life. I understand why people want to be outstanding. But do you understand why I want to be average?

I try to be funny sometimes, to make people laugh because I believe there is too much sadness in the world. So why add on to others' troubles, their issues, their complexes. I try, to understand the human psyche. Sometimes I think I know it very well. Other times I just can't be sure.

I appear incoherent at times although I am fully aware of my thoughts and feelings. Well, maybe not as fully as others with high emotional intelligence. I think it is difficult to surrender to God's will. Like William Wiberforce, I struggle at times. I have deep intellectual debates in my soul. And my expression takes on the world-weary, the haunted look of those fighting for their survival. How I wish I can just skip through life blithely, knowing God loves me and I Him and all is well within my soul. My blitheness at times is not a front though, I am truly at peace when I leave my mind at rest. Do you understand the turmoil within my heart? That now, I am letting go. Not because I don't care. I care too much. Is that a crime? To you it probably is. But to me, i identify with it more because of what happened before. But I've learnt from before. That letting go means staying free. It is not as if I do not care about the outcome, but to me, the outcome is not as important as what lies within. I scare myself with the intensity of my emotions. Its so much of a torture that many times I ask God to take it away from me. Not my will. Not my heart. And to release others who are in the same predicament.

To live in the will of God is more than what I could ask for. I think its important not to give up on yourself, even though you have failed in the areas you most wanted success. For me, maybe I gave up a long time ago. And I was not able to pick up the pieces, just trying to forget the pain.

It's never easy to look back at life and realize how it is, how he has blessed me.