Thursday, April 28, 2005
How are you? I know it’s been quite a while and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there the last time. Remember your favorite hangout, the one with the ginger flavored latte which I always found weird-tasting? Well it’s been demolished now. Even the ancient Presbyterian church beside it is gone. I heard that they are building a world-class spanking new university on the grounds now. I passed by the old place yesterday, and thought of you. I was so worried you would be affected by the earthquake that happened around your place, but I heard from your friends that Auntie said you were unhurt and happened to be away then. I’m so glad you are okay! You know, I still keep the small clay figurine that you made for me while we were studying together. It’s almost decomposed now, sitting on my desk. It’s not collecting dust yet, I managed to clean it gently. Mum always nags at me to throw that hideous thing away, but I had to remind her that it was from you. One of the few memories that I have of you that’s left, actually. You realize that we never took a photo together? That was because I didn’t like the way I looked back then. I felt that my face was so puffy, and my hair was always frizzy… It’s so strange I felt like that then, maybe I didn’t have confidence in myself. You know, you were the first person I called when I received my graduating results. Before I called Dad. I don’t know why I did that, but I just wanted you to stop worrying for me, about me. All you do is worry, you know? I think I didn’t want to see you off partly because I was afraid I would cry, and I would be so embarrassed because all your friends are there, and they would think that I was harboring a secret crush on you or something. I watched the TV yesterday and the Chinese drama show had a line that went something like: When there’s love, there’s feeling… But when there’s feeling, it’s not necessary to have love. And I guess that’s how I felt, right? I mean, I felt really strange as if there were butterflies in my stomach when I saw you again that time, after you came out of army… you looked so different, yet strangely familiar. Then you smiled at me, and everything went smoothly. Remember Alnrick? You used to tease him before, he never tied his shoelaces up properly. We were together for a while. I was quite hesitant about it initially. Really! I mean, I’ve always liked guys that were not like his type. But anyways shortly after you left, we dated each other for a while. Think it’s my parents, they are always worried that I would be a spinster! Funny right? Especially when I have so many male friends… Well, I guess just to shut them up or something, of course I felt a liking for him too, I mean, he is cute, and quite sweet to girls. But I knew we were unsuitable, I introduced him to Dawn, now they’re engaged. Of course that was some time ago, I think they would be getting married soon. Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I thought you would be more concerned over my feelings about it. I’m okay, really, I’m so happy for them, you know? I’m happy for you too, although if you were around it would be much much better. Are you still eating instant noodles? You can’t find Pocky there right? Here it’s becoming rare also. After the free trade zone agreement between us and the United European states, imports from East Asia became so expensive that most of the local supermarts now only carry products from the top 3 zone countries, UK, China and, India. Bismati rice has become so cheap that we seldom find local rice anymore, it’s too expensive to grow it here also. But I can still find Pocky in places like Robertson Deli, although its always sold out - and the price has tripled. I’m sure food at your place is terribly expensive too. I just found out that fruits will have an import tax placed on it, I think I have to eat my favorite Granny Smiths and watermelons only on special occasions now. It’s no longer safe to stay in my old place because of the frequent gunfights, I’ve moved out about two years back when I saved enough. And Snowy died. But I’ve got myself Cherie now – She’s a Airedale with a chocolate coat. I love her! You know, if that time you had asked me to leave with you, I would. To go to a new place and leave behind all the things I ever loved and knew, of course that would be irrational. And at that time, I did not know what I know now, that now, if I was asked to leave this place, would I leave? I think not! At least, not without someone like you! I knew you loved me, I just thought that I was too young and I wanted a life of independence, to carve out a niche for myself! But now, even if it’s not too late, it is. I cannot be who I was, and neither can you. We cannot go back to the bamboo trees and sit on the stone benches behind the old place, because it is demolished now. And soon, no one will even remember what the place used to be. The dead makes way for the new. I know! You, too? I know that I have a short-term memory and perhaps when I meet my someone special I will forget all about the happy times we spent together flying kites and eating packet rice and slogging away through the night to finish up projects. It seems like I was another person then. But I knew then, that all the time you would be always there for me. You are always so caring, so sensitive. I failed to see that, or I knew, I think, but I liked to be mean and did not acknowledge that. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t around to see the ending – like I don’t want to see the new university built upon my old memories! Maybe I should up and leave, like you, forging new paths on roads yet untravelled. When will I ever see you again, Johnny? You mean so much to me… …
It's the end of the month! Yea... so fast, almost a month of working full-time. Shall plan what I want to buy. Of course clothes. Finally I can buy pants that fit my legs. Always wearing too loose ones... Makeup. More lingerie. change $300 into baht. Maybe a small luggage. And save up for my mini O2. Pay some people back what I owe. Give dinner treat. Birthday presents. Whoo hoo. I don't have to scrimp now! Poor Ange, always getting cheapo birthday pressies from me 'cuz her birthday is on the same month as Mr BestFriend, classmates', etc etc... I'm getting a transport allowance too, yay yay... hope its big bucks so that I can take cab more often, contribute to the poor cab drivers' fund... just a few days' wait for May... lalalalala...
Monday, April 25, 2005
It's rare to find that special someone even though you may not know it yet, but things will just fit into place no matter how much reservations you have initially. Someone you can eat with anyplace, from hawker centres to fine dining, laugh out loud at comedies with, doll up on a weekend night date with him, and feel so elated when he murmurs that you look great. Yet comfortable enough to let him see you in 'home clothes', slouching on the sofa, sharing little bits of what happened during the day and what you have hoped and dreamt of. Someone who is always on your mind despite the arguments that leave you disheartened, you know that in the long run they will mature the relationship. When you find yourself thinking of him unexpectedly, and each time you surf the net or shop or eat something, you will think of asking his opinion, or bringing him to eat at the nice food place, or always wanting to buy a small small something for him... when you care more for his well-being than you do for yours. It's a very lovely feeling aye?
Went City Plaza and Holiday Inn with sis, terribly tired due to all the walking done. A very fruitful trip though, so happy with all the worthwhile and unique and can't-find-in-sg purchases, I think after I collect my baby blue crocs shoes today, I will not be needing anything for a long time. Don't really like to shop here 'cuz everything is so common... the uncommon ones are so expensive... I don't mind paying more for good quality stuff but then I don't really treasure my things that much... like clothes, previously I'd buy the cheaper quality ones and then wear a few times and throw away, 'cuz I like variety... but I found that some of the well-loved items I couldn't bear to throw and hung on to them till they looked quite worn and unusable. Cleared out my small small lingerie cupboard and found there were few that I could keep. So I went on a lingerie-buying spree... hehe. I'm beginning to understand ladies' (and men) love affair with lingerie. Well, Tangs service, dressing rooms, and ranges are superb. I'd most definitely be a repeat customer. Skinny me can only fit into the Japanese labels though, think the European ones hang loose on me although I fancy the delicate trimmings. Realised its not good to be too adventourous with styles and colors in lingerie - especially nowadays my tops seem to be a tad transluscent... what happened to the decency of designers, hahaha... probably the cotton market isn't doing too well... So all the colorful ones are relegated to go under dull-colored clothes, of which I probably own a grand total of two. Don't think Society and Moms-city can accept comic-book print cups peeking out of a skinny off white sleeveless tank. I do need a bit of decorum to maintain my auntie-killer status. Yea, and I do fancy most of the bright colors this season - mint, watermelon pink, light aquamarine, browns and oranges, safari look... butterflies printed everywhere is too much for me though. Personally I can't wear black, I don't like it on me, (it's blah boring don't suit my personality) and also I will look shapeless, it's too much of a slimming color for me. I always think that people who (need to) wear black are either plump, insecure, into the goth look, or just that it's their favorite color. I would never buy a black suit, unless I'm offered with no choice. Who said black is the only formal color anyways. A deep interesting navy or chocolate would do just as well, and so much less harsh on Asian skins. So... I'm glad brights are in this season.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Currently doing a small spring clean in my room, been neglecting it... The last time I sorted out one cupboard it filled up a big red plastic bag full, so this time I've prepared 3 just in case. Saw something I've kept - think its 2 years now- it was an activity done during cell, I still remember it was an outing at Ya Kun, Far East Plaza, and we were discussing about BGR, or rather now, MWR. We first wrote down all our 'criteria', and then separated them into 'must haves' and 'preferences'. I've kept the rest of the cell members' sheets, so many years from now perhaps when they're going to get attached, I'll hand them the paper and see how much their perspectives, or tastes have changed. I guess for me as I get older, certain 'criteria' do not bear such an important significance, I would like to think that I'm less superficial and discriminatory. Then again, agreeing with what I wrote in the past signifies a certain constancy in my life, doesn't it? It's amazing to just wait and see what God will lead, in love, and in living... ...
So my criteria for 'future husband' when I was about 20:(It's amazing, there are so many!)(Typed without any changes)
Appearance: Tall, handsome, Not fairer than me(Oh very few are), looks mature, not small eyes, nice teeth.
Character: Bible-centred man. F.a.s.t. steady, disciplined, a confidant, suitable in small groups
Preferences: Not too hairy (haha! Its subjective aye) Eyes that can 'jiang hua'(speak). Talent in music and/or arts. Specs are cute. Introverted. Listener. Can sing well. Wavy hair. Likes jazz music. Adventourous, straightforward, supportive, sensitive to my needs, like to sms, a christian from TCC.
Others: Aged 1 to 3 years older but minus 2 to plus 6 also acceptable. Must support me in my mission calling(Tough one, that) ,Chinese, Not compulsory to be Singaporean. Other countries welcome.
Two years later, not much has changed...
Friday, April 22, 2005
Watched SOM - the Sound of Music musical, Wednesday night with Matt and Shiner. It was worth every penny spent (a hundred whopping bucks to be exact~), I was happily reminded of my childhood favorite songs, 'do re mi', 'the raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens song', 'edelweiss' and so many others. It is a really inspiring true life tale... how much a part music plays, in my own life. How a simple rendition of a contemporary christian song can bring tears to one's eyes - it is unfathomable how much value there is to songs, yet I do forget sometimes how to sing, and I have to start to learn it all over again. When Captain Von Trapp sang 'Edelweiss', it was a really rousing piece that reminded me how much we have taken the peace we have for granted. And... the President, the venerable distinguished mister SR Nathan was there! Along with his wife, and kids, and bodyguards... the bodyguards also got to watch the show! We felt that it was really kind of kewl to watch SOM with him - Although I might say he was at least 7 metres away - I never saw the President 'real-live' before... But wow! He looks exactly like on TV! And there were fireworks, somewhere at the Esplanade, outside of course, just at our intermission time, we could peer out of the 'durian windows' and see them spiralling. So it was a very special day for me, even though I was slightly incapacitated with a cold. =)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Kinda under the weather these two days, I think I caught a cold from being out in the rain yesterday, during lunch, the raindrops were splashing slightly on me. Quite cross after that actually so I bought an umbrella. Costs 10 bucks and it's superly minute and light, I wonder how they make money, the production cost would have to be about 3 bucks and that doesn't even cover the material... no way. Well I've realised that things are getting cheaper nowadays, but the material and service, etc, is lousy too. Hope it doesn't spring a leak. And most expectedly, today was bright and shiny. I've already caught a cold... darn... watery eyes and runny nose whole day and night. It better cease by tonight... Really don't like being sick yet recently I think I am getting weaker... perhaps I miss the gymming. Had ominuous feelings and really disturbing dreams mid to end week last, I wonder whether it's because I'm unsupervised and lonely in the office that's why I start to think too much; or perhaps it's the time of the year that bad things always happen that's why I'm feeling like this. Was so afraid - ridiculously, of something bad happening to my family or loved ones... But nothing happened and I guess it's just a passing ominuous feeling yea.
Still really concerned about finances... I do hope that I won't splurge on stuff that I walk pass and take a fancy too... And I promised myself to eat nice cheap foods for lunch, which isn't much of a problem here at all. But I have so many wants..desires... stuff I've promised myself to get when I start earning cuz when I was studying I simply had to spend everything on printing and buying materials, that there was really nothing left. After this month hope there's something left !! Minus 2 insurance policies; handphone bill, give back tithe, pay CPF for diploma fees, give to parents, food, transport... yea... I'm beginning to understand how those kidney patients feel. Cuz besides worrying about the fees and work, they still have to be in pain. But as long as there's life there's hope! Yea, I should stop worrying, instead I should enjoy the simple pleasures and learn how to be financially independent... =)
Going to watch the SOM tomorrow! =)
Friday, April 15, 2005
Her travels, afar, in twilight.
With faerie dust, and twinkled stars;
And magic purple midsummer night.
So, hidden by the cloak of dark sky;
Her bright colors, blended.
Madame Crimson Butterfly
takes off, in the secret.
Yea... today finally decided to take part in the Tangs/Martina Pink Accessory Design contest. Thought about it the entire day yesterday and came up with this quirky concept... I do lyk it very much myself. Hope I win the top prize! Yea... although there's no cash reward, just vouchers, but it will do for me. Gotta arrange time to go down to the printer's, spotlight and create my masterpiece. Alritey. Feeling rather pleased about it all... ...
Hit town yesterday and discovered oh yes, they were finally selling my 'coveted' bag which I've been hankering for since... mid last year when Ai told me they retail it locally. Wishing that my salary comes quick, yes, come come...before it becomes 'sold out' then I'd be quite sad. Used to write down every single thing I bought last year when I was working, because I'm so afraid I would overspend... but it actually takes the joy out of shopping for me. It's my hard earned money and I don't have to be so worried about how I actually spend it... but I tend to make some spur of the moment purchases which I tend to regret. So this time, no overdoing - writing down everything... but I won't spend till I've got nothing to save either.
Time actually flies quite fast for me at work, I don't have to be a clock-watcher like in my previous co. Perhaps I do dread admininistrative work despite being rather efficient at it. So here I'm just sailing... happily... plus good food too. Good food helps. So far I've eaten:
- 2 'Pappa roti'-s - Mouth-watering smell, it's really hot and piping-ly good... but if brought home turns oily... yea so must eat on the spot. I guess that's the same for most foods...
- Chew Kee soya sauce chicken noodle/Chiew Kee soya sauce chicken noodle, at road facing Chinatown Point - One is 'fake', the one with the better location actually. I remember eating this with Bern and gang while playing 'shi zi lu kou' at polys life action day a year back. The authentic one, the taste is still the same. Can't really describe it but it's one to be remembered and a craving will develop... 'Cuz after so long I still remember the same taste and to look for the shop...
- Sungei Road Trishaw Laksa found at Hong Lim - It's similar to the Katong types but less coconut, a lighter and more Chinese-y taste. Even comes in the 'chicken bowls', Only $2 as featured on some Channel U show... I much prefer this taste to the Katong ones actually, of which I've tried all the stalls but one.
- Ah Heng's Chicken curry beehoon mee, Hong Lim... there's also two stalls, both claim to be authentic but one has the longer queue probably because of the location... Well, the one I had was very generous with large portions of chicken and fishcake...the curry was nice, a bit too spicy I felt, but I do lyk it hot. Also has a unique taste, something to want to eat again... Slurp...
- Ham chee pengs, Hong Lim... I can never find in sg the ones I used to eat, with sweet glutinous rice in the middle... this shop doesn't have them as well. Nothing much about the other types they sell, I just felt that the oil is fresh and after eating did not have the sickly -oily feeling which is expected for this type of food.
More food will be tried and tested by ... me! It keeps me happy actually, to have such a variety. And I haven't even been to the biggie one at Smith street... People's park food centre is closed so I will thoroughly explore Hong Lim for now. It's been rewarding!
Monday, April 11, 2005
Read something quite awhile back but this phrase keeps coming to mind recently, it goes something like, how we spend too much time on our bad relationships and neglecting the good ones when actually we should spend more time developing the good ones and not just take it for granted because it's good, stable, etc. I ponder whether I am building good relationships or am nonchalant about relationships. I still don't think I am a very people person but I do have the knack of setting strangers at ease, and talking to them, and being myself and both parties are not anxious but relaxed, comfortable... I guess I don't really care about keeping up appearances to a certain extent, I appear secure as opposed to insecure and trying to hide it by being ridiculous. But maybe that's just my own perspective. I wonder why some people only create problems, both for themselves and others - is it very selfish if we don't bother about them? They are self-centred, aye, but if we become like them then we are no longer influential. Yet it is draining to want to help them, and I shouldn't be so concerned anyways. Perhaps it's a testing of my willpower and personal character, how I behave inwardly and outwardly. Its better to err on the side of good and godly intentions.
While I was ranting to Shiner about how some people... just do not do what they say, or plan to do... perhaps they lack a certain kind of motivation found in very driven individuals. But, if they don't mean it, then why tell everyone about what they are going to do but in the end, procastinate and give diplomatic answers? I guess for me I would not even say it out, perhaps try first and see if what I want to do is feasible. Well, Shiner said, 'Aiya, this kind of people they are always like that; always say (for years sometimes) but never do, don't waste your time on them...' Guess that's true then, they have to pick themselves out from their self-delusion about the things they want to do but in reality everyone knows they are incapable of doing, unless they change their motivations drastically.
Lil Hedgehog's quite a studyholic...when perfectionism sets in, it can be destructive? I mean, no one should feel guilty taking a few hours' nap on a sunday afternoon... Think I value rest and personal space a lot, but I do set myself high standards to excel as well. And studyholics should sleep more. Aye?
Work is important.
Sleep/Rest/Exercise is important.
Relationships are important.
Family is important.
God is important.
My cell/ministry is important.
My personal space is important.
What's the most important?
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
You know you're Chinese when...
You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
You always leave your shoes at the door.
You have a piano in your living room.
You twirl your pen around your fingers.
Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Now that's my parents...!)
You don't own any real Tupperware -- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars. (Oh, we do own tupperware... but we have more of the plastic containers...haha)
You've eaten a red bean Popsicle.
You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.
You reuse teabags.
You never call your parents just to say hi.
If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've 'eaten rice', even if it's midnight.
Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air.
You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.
You never discuss your love life with your parents.
Your parents are never happy with your grades.
You keep most of your money in a savings account.
Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
You hate to spend more than $5 for lunch.
You have more than five remotes in your house.(Hmm...I have 3 I think, or 4...)
You can't bear to throw things away.
Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.
You've worn glasses at least since the fifth grade.
You add twice the amount of water recommended when making orange juice from concentrate.
You've never seen your parents hug.
You always have water when dining out.
You say "aiya!" and "wah!" frequently.
You are constantly being set up with uninteresting (and usually ugly) people by your parents.
Your mother is strangely obsessed with plants.
You notice the main topic at family get-togethers is food.
You seldom ever owned new clothes if you were a second child.
Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings.
Your mother made you peel water chestnuts and snow peas.
You have an lonely unmarried relative who frequently drops by during dinner time.
You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times.
You know what the term "lemon" or a "banana" means.
You only have to shave every other day (maybe).
You wash and reuse ziplock bags.
Your dad owns at least one bird.
I wonder who comes up with all this? Stalkers? Market analysts? Philosophers? Foreigner-in-laws?
My office window faces a row of foot reflexologists' and geomancer shops... mahjong centre, employment agency... (-_-) I think every month I will try out one reflexology place... then when I'm old I know which is the best one for my aching bones. I'm tall, so I will live longer... but also prone to osteoporisis and the like.
Anyways first day at work, Looked at clothes, went shopping aka market research... surfed the net for information and dreamt up ideas for the label. Managed to squeeze in time to visit Debbie at Khiels'. She told me about the toxic environment in her workplace and I wonder whether I can survive in one. Probably not. For a while perhaps I'd try to change the place; but I'd leave before the place changes me. I'm glad that I'm the chin-chye type and adaptable to most places and people, and most people like me too, but I've been in toxic environments and they are horrid, they just leave you withering, parched, sianz. So my best to Debbie who is considering an industry change... The financial industry? Wonder the meeting today with Mark's mummy a.k.a. boss in Prudential goes.
But more importantly, is their(Khiels') Lip Balm #1 is really that good. Maybe buy one soon. Terribly chapped lips, me. Not to mention my blistering peeling left foot.
They haven't told me my position yet.
I didn't buy the fighting fishies after all...
Next time when I own my own backyard, I will get a big dog. Not German Shepherd. not Doberman. Maybe Husky. But the one I really want is called... a Whippet. I think?... Sounds cute aye but noooo... its those type of slim dogs with really thin legs, hind legs looks like its standing on tiptoes and it has small ears that point downwards, and a long aquiline face on a small head.
The Whippet is a hardy, tough, swift and powerful athlete with a stable and steady disposition. Whippets can be aloof and may bark at strangers as they can become protective of their home. They are very friendly with family and those they know. Whippets are very adaptable, fitting in well with children, others dogs and even cats. -(pets.yahoo.com)
Oooo yea. So let's get a cat as well, with animal-loving neighbors' to take care of them while I jet-set around the world...
Ganesh brought a cake, those birthday-type-ones-with-glossy-fruits, to cell yesterday. We were wondering what was he celebrating. And I was also amazed that no one's ever allocated to bring food, but somehow someone always brings something for everyone to eat. How kewl is that. So, he said that he was fasting and praying for 3 years and finally, he's been accepted to study at the University of Delaware in material science for his doctorate! He said that every year he received the rejection letter he cried; but this year they accepted him and even agreed to sponsor everything, financially. Wow. His brother is coming over to NUS this july to do his PhD also. So there will be an additional 'doctor' in my cell -Susan is a fellow at NUS language dept. Feel humbled that I'm having a small small honors degree... they are the brainiacs here. If I make a date perhaps with the Masters' of Fashion programme, London, Central St Martins'... I will most likely be accepted there based on academia; but for now I'm content to learn more in the Masters' programme, Singapore, University of Life.
And I had two slices of cake. A pre dinner snack. (Dinner was bread with otah, cheese and japanese cucumber.) The cake tasted great too! From LIDO cake shop - I'm assuming not the cinema. Cheers to Ganesh; seeing him so happy brings a smile to my face too.
Three more weeks to the baked alaska!
Monday, April 04, 2005
I start work tomorrow!!! *gasps*
Well. Actually I'm alright about it... being adaptable to changes and all. But this is so last minute. Like they only called me today. I have to arrange my wardrobe, clear my bags, prepare myself... psyche myself up... it's so so difficult to find a place that you like - both the scope and the place have to be appealing to me, not to mention the renumeration.
So, I'm a fashion-merchandiser-analyst-designer-worker-assistant... I'm not told what my 'post' is called yet. Promise I'd inform everyone about it. If it's a kewl title. Haha. I'm kinda excited actually... ... yes I like the job scope, from what my manager told me...
Anyways I get a regular salary and I'm gonna save save save thousands and thousands (It will probably take a while.) Ivan, I will treat you to 'baked alaska' when I get the pay cheque...Bet he doesn't know what that is! Haha...
Okie. Told Dad today about the fighting fish. He wanted a red one. So I'm going to get one for him, one for my brother... and one for myself. yay. Mum said, 'No fighting fishies in her house. It's so cruel to let them fight." Eh, Mum, they are just going to stay in their individual glass bottles...
So it's my last day of freedom-and-poverty ... 'cuz cash will be rolling in and I will try hard not to spend much of it... =) Dad gave me $100 to spend today. I'll take a trip across the causeway to get some stuff... aye! Hope they have new stock on nice Hollister shirts.
Going downstairs now... fetch brother home from school, buy lunch and the 3 fighting fishies...
Sunday, April 03, 2005
So I passed by Rrraaain-bouuulll...and they were having a special offer of fighting fishies for $1. I don't really analyze the price of fishes but I guess that's dirt cheap. And there were many, many fishies... say 50 or so glass bottles. Felt really tempted to buy one and take care of it...even though I never really enjoyed fishies-watching. Heard this lame joke over the pulpit: "What's the difference between a fish tank and an aquarium tank?" Answer: The aquarium has plants.
It rained again today, real gray darkened skies and a heavy downpour that lasted till late afternoon, at least at my area. Uncle Sun, I don't need anymore whitening products that tempts consumers by saying, "Do you want to look whiter/fairer/brighter like Sammi/Fann/some chinese artiste?" Noooooo. I want to look tanner. Like Jennifer/Beyonce/Fiona... A light golden brown thank you. April showers are depressing. Long and humid, never refreshing. Or perhaps it's just that I'm ... discomfabulated... I am incredulous at the fact that some commonplace incident drove me nuts. The commonplace incident, no one's fault, triggered off some unhappy memories in the way-off past that suddenly saw daylight and sliced through a supposedly beautiful day. My past gets the better or me. Hey, I'm a present-present person... 'Cuz I live for the moment. But why this... haiz. I think too much. I think I think too much. I know I think too much. But I can't stop thinking, unless I sleep? OR... have a brain transplant with a blonde (oops - intentional faux pas) SO I guess this perturbed state of self-analysis will legitimize my rainy april days into a moody aura. Till I make The Choice to be happy without losing my mind.
As for the fighting fishie, I have a sudden thought to buy a few of the down-trodden, sad-looking ones. The ones with the unbeautiful fins and unhealthy look. Its only $1. Some fish-spca? Perhaps yea... Just thought that it would be nice to give them a better home, a bigger fishie tank while they still have a chance to live. Perhaps tomorrow I'd collect the spare change in my purse and make a kind purchase.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
The still breath frosts on windowpanes
And extends like snowflakes on glass
I remember when our eyes first met
Your scent, the warmth of your smile
I close my eyes and try again
To not forget
To keep close to my heart
Your sweet presence.
The distance hurts
Like drawing razor sharp lines on my back
I wish you could read my mind
I wanted you to be happy
Waking moments spent
Suspended; halfway through dreams
Thought you were beside me
Heard your voice
If only it was real
Then I could sleep forever.
I trace the snowflakes with my still-warm fingers
They dissolve, melt away
Fragile, gentle, beautiful, cold
Tenderly enfold you
Like a small kitten
If we wanted, could we stay this way forever?
Two hurt creatures
Seeking warmth from the bitter cold
In each other finding themselves.
It started, like the morning dew;
Or drops of rain in April
Once seen, it blew a magical dust
I cease to ask how
Or when or why
Just marvelling at a blessing
Of how it came to be.
Far away a sparrow chirps
I thought I heard you say something
But it was only the blowing of the wind.
I sometimes wish that the world(my world) is a better place.
No more killing, no more dying, no more tears...
Perhaps a place like that only exists in Heaven. Here we have to contend with violence, natural disasters, and the worst of all, people hurting other people. Do we not value life enough to want to destroy it? Or, we do not know what we want, it is just that humans have the tendency to be destructive, not peace-loving.
I would never reject any of my friends. Not even the ones who only call me when they are facing some kind of problem; nor those who are the draining types - a simple hangout with them and you feel that they are sucking the life blood out of you, you feel so exhausted. I admit I'm masochistic, but I'm not sadistic enough to reject another person who already has rejection problems. I know Kai once liked this girl, Yen. In all senses they were incompatible yet I did not have the heart to tell him so. Perhaps it's just every male fantasy of being with a much older woman. Well, she knew that he had a crush on him but instead of handling it like a much older woman would; with tact, gentleness and dignity, she just severely rebuffed him. He was crushed, and took a really long time to get over the fact that she became attached to a more suitable companion. Through our conversations, I was appalled at how Yen handled the situation so selfishly. I am sure she had her own psychological reasons for doing so, perhaps she is not experienced like me, haha... But I would never deliberately reject someone else. I do not want to be the source of their trauma, their tears and their pain. If I had a choice, I would rather bear the pain myself as I'd like to think that I'm stronger. That is why I attract people who have depression problems, people with low self-esteem. I like to think that by spending my time with them unselfishly(there is a certain limit of course), I can change their lives for the better.
Even if it's just a little bit.
I'm learning how to love someone, selflessly, but I realise it's really difficult. All human beings are selfish, at a certain extent when they cannot take it anymore, they just go back to their old lifestyles. That is why it is difficult to save people! Perhaps it's also the same for me, in relationships. My past trauma has made me weary. And wary. I love him, but it's just so tough. I can hold on, but for how long? Last relationship. Nearly 4 years ago. The 2001 9/11 attacks made me reconsider my life. It terminated Oct 2001. So why am I hearkening to long-ago events? I'm just scared history will repeat itself, as it always does in my life, in the world...
I've lost trust in the things I can see. Perhaps it's time to focus on the unseen.
"Thanks for letting me love you," you once said.
I'm not so sure anymore.
Friday, April 01, 2005
I applaud Bush for what he said as a condolence to the Schindler family.
Here, in abridged form:
"The essence of civilisation is that the strong have a duty to protect the weak.
In cases where there are serious doubts and questions, the presumption should be in the favor of life."