I'm not so sure anymore

Why does the world, seem to revolve around the things you know?

I sometimes wish that the world(my world) is a better place.

No more killing, no more dying, no more tears...

Perhaps a place like that only exists in Heaven. Here we have to contend with violence, natural disasters, and the worst of all, people hurting other people. Do we not value life enough to want to destroy it? Or, we do not know what we want, it is just that humans have the tendency to be destructive, not peace-loving.

I would never reject any of my friends. Not even the ones who only call me when they are facing some kind of problem; nor those who are the draining types - a simple hangout with them and you feel that they are sucking the life blood out of you, you feel so exhausted. I admit I'm masochistic, but I'm not sadistic enough to reject another person who already has rejection problems. I know Kai once liked this girl, Yen. In all senses they were incompatible yet I did not have the heart to tell him so. Perhaps it's just every male fantasy of being with a much older woman. Well, she knew that he had a crush on him but instead of handling it like a much older woman would; with tact, gentleness and dignity, she just severely rebuffed him. He was crushed, and took a really long time to get over the fact that she became attached to a more suitable companion. Through our conversations, I was appalled at how Yen handled the situation so selfishly. I am sure she had her own psychological reasons for doing so, perhaps she is not experienced like me, haha... But I would never deliberately reject someone else. I do not want to be the source of their trauma, their tears and their pain. If I had a choice, I would rather bear the pain myself as I'd like to think that I'm stronger. That is why I attract people who have depression problems, people with low self-esteem. I like to think that by spending my time with them unselfishly(there is a certain limit of course), I can change their lives for the better.

Even if it's just a little bit.

I'm learning how to love someone, selflessly, but I realise it's really difficult. All human beings are selfish, at a certain extent when they cannot take it anymore, they just go back to their old lifestyles. That is why it is difficult to save people! Perhaps it's also the same for me, in relationships. My past trauma has made me weary. And wary. I love him, but it's just so tough. I can hold on, but for how long? Last relationship. Nearly 4 years ago. The 2001 9/11 attacks made me reconsider my life. It terminated Oct 2001. So why am I hearkening to long-ago events? I'm just scared history will repeat itself, as it always does in my life, in the world...

I've lost trust in the things I can see. Perhaps it's time to focus on the unseen.

"Thanks for letting me love you," you once said.


I'm not so sure anymore.