Tuesday, June 29, 2010

all in a day's work

It's about 2 months since I've embarked on this new job. As I was contemplating a 'career' move out of the media industry and into this industry since the start of the year, I had no qualms moving into this position. But it's not as easy as it seems. For those in the sales cycle crunch, the emotional ups and downs of 'chasing sales' is prevalent in this job, and the stress is similar, if not more so. But maybe I find it a wee bit easier as I've worked in those types of sales enviroment before.
As I've always liked to set a high standard for myself in any area I choose to excel in, I have personal aims and am personally motivated too. So motivated that most of the times I forget to eat lunch. But the downside is, I can put aside all feelings whatsoever and concentrate on the task at hand.... and suddenly, I will be 'struck down' by immense feelings of helplessness and 'I can't do this anymore'. Suddenly the stress all comes crashing down on me and I feel like a tiny slug.
A few weeks ago, I felt so stressed that I just could not do anything that day. The powerless, helpless feelings overwhelmed me. Maybe it was because of past issues - I had a bad nightmare of 'ghosts from the past', which really burdened my mind the whole day. Also, there were other issues at that point of time, I was still coming to terms with the sudden loss of a pet, relationship woes, amongst others.
The feeling was a really lonesome feeling, I think all women who have worked and been very stressed in their work, will know what I am trying to express - the feeling of being all alone in this personal struggle about work we fear no one would understand, or want to understand... it's terribly lonely and sad!
Thankfully, TheBoyfriend had a leave day so he just drove me to the beach, tears and all, and after some moments of breathing in the oil-slicked seabreeze, I felt much better. It's a shame that all of us live so close or can easily access the beach, but most of the time we prefer shopping malls instead. I always feel calm walking on the sand and hearing the waves lap. Somehow this natural scene also makes me seem closer to God. I continued doing my work in the evening, with a renewed sense of peace.
After my short stint in the hospital job early this year, I really wondered how I was going to forge my career path. I'm not ambitious in the corporate ladder climbing sense, but there's an egoistic part of me that needs to be doing something really remarkable. I wondered how people would look at me, as I really had the intention to pursue a career in the healthcare sector... but failed so fast and so soon.
But you never know who cares enough to lend you a helping hand. A nice guy friend had smsed me some weeks after I ranted incessantly and treated him as a punching bag during those days at hospital work. How nice, I thought, surprised that someone had remembered my pain.
A nice lady in church shared with me out of the blue, after she read my FB message about the long MC I was given for 'stress-related' causes. How she too, had faced a trying time at work, and also broke down, like me. I was both touched and stunned by her act of bravery in sharing with me. It's not easy to share about the weak times, especially to a mere acquaintance. And after all, it was 'only' a FB message which I thought no one would give a second thought about. I could have hugged her right there and then.
No one knew I was feeling really bad because I worried that it could lead to a nervous breakdown, maybe, and I was really scared I'd end up in the loony ward. My sister said the medicine they gave was the strong type for her neurological patients, haha... but it really worked to make you calm and sleep like a baby!
So, I think, it's normal to have doubts about work.
Whether... I can do this long term? It does look promising to do more than pay my bills, but in the long run, would my emotional health be okay, or would I be more mature in handling stressors and handling people than others? How about future prospects?
Anyways, it's only been 2 short months and I am still a novice.
I have met many nice people, and of course the not-so-nice ones as well. It's the nice ones that make your day!
I hope I can do well...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


TheBoyfriend looks suspiciously like Jong Tae Se, N.Korea's star forward player.
I always said he looks Korean-ish anyways. (He was actually born in Japan to S.Korean parents says some sources.)


Cannot take it.

Chanced upon an inspiring site today. Somedays I wake up and it seems that there are little bitty bits of new spirits rising to take out the 'ghosts of the (recent)past.' And there's no time or place for lingering moments or emotional checks, not until we read something that makes us pause and think. Here's a few:

*GMH = Gives Me Hope

21 years ago, a pregnant woman, Carla, went to a doctor who told her that her baby would have mental illnesses and possibly Down Syndrome.

This doctor heavily encouraged her to have an abortion but she refused.

I will be a perfectly normal 21 year old in August.


To the girl at the gym who said she wouldn't get a prom date because she was too "fat":

My friends and I were lifting weights nearby to try to impress you. Don't ever think that all guys see is your weight. We thought you were gorgeous.

The fact that you will realize that one day GMH.


Today, our history teacher was telling us about a man who was famous for transporting Jews to safety during the Holocaust.

A student in the class said "That's my grandfather."

Our teacher began to cry, and said "He saved my entire family."

Beautiful coincidences GMH


I woke up one morning to hear the birds outside my window and my mother cooking breakfast downstairs. I've never cried so much in my entire life. I had been deaf since the age of 8.


Five years ago, I witnessed an overweight girl being harassed. A group of "popular girls" had pulled down her pants while we were leaving school. The girl grabbed her pants and ran away crying. Our school's star quarterback chased after her to comfort her.

I just came back from their wedding. GMH.


A 74 year old man has an rare antibody in his plasma that stops babies dying from Rhesus disease, a form of severe anaemia.

He has donated plasma almost 1000 times since he was 18 years old. He has saved an estimated 2.2 million babies so far.

James Harrison, you GMH.

Read the rest of it

Monday, June 21, 2010

Just friends.

Here's my penny worth of thoughts on relationships developing from friendships.

There's no magical formula to define what causes you to have that special sparkle for that special friend or suddenly realising every word she says and even the mere warmth of her presence next to you is imbued with a deep affection.

Having her there to support you, a cheerleader, a listening ear and maybe even doing some hobbies together, yes, feelings do develop naturally. For her, she realises you're a nice guy. Of course you're nice, why otherwise would she be friends with you? And just maybe, things will work out, happily ever after.


Actually this is a likely and lovely scenario, but it all matters which role you choose to play. (or it's being chosen for you, sometimes.)

I have this idealistic and extremely positive notion that all of life is a stage, you choose which role you want to play. The whiny girlfriend? The uptight employee? The Mr Nice Guy? It's your call.

And some shows you don't want to be on - like 90210 or Melrose Place. So angsty - this girl likes this guy who likes this other girl who likes her teacher who likes her friend who is her stepsister... you get the drift.

Be on shows like Friends. Everyone's happy. Some Friends do fall in love. But if you are 'Rachel', you get the short end of the stick. Funnily, the happiest Friends are Monica and Chandler. They seem to have a really stable relationship! But sometimes, you might just happen to be Ross. He's nice and seems to be the nicest guy around. But his relationships are always so problematic.

I think that, I'm not really FOR the idea of a relationship developing from friendship.

Sorry to say that I've also found myself in that unfortunate scenario before and more often than not it goes awry. Realistically, not every show ends up like Friends. Some end up like... CSI. So serious.

Many years ago, I liked this senior of mine. I mean, I really really liked him. I liked him so much that I prayed about it for seven months. Really fervently praying. And I was friends with him for many years. So one day I plucked up my courage to ask him if there could be a possibility... of... you know? Cringe. Unfortunately he only saw me as a dear sister in Christ, sadly. Of course after much sadness and pain, I've recovered. But the saddest thing for me was that I've lost a friend. He used to join my gang for movie outings and we had such fun times together, eating and just talking about life. Of course, it may be a tad immature on his side to avoid me when it's all under the water now, but I do long for the heartfelt conversations we have had, which we never will again. During my depressed state, he was the only one who bothered enough to text me every week, EVERY weekend, if I was around, and when I could muster up the courage to attend, he always saved me a seat beside him if I needed to hide from the madding crowd. So I think it's not an exaggeration to say that what he's done for me saved my life.

There could be happy endings for some, but for many, it doesn't work out. Many friends don't realise that it could be a blessing in disguise that the so-called lady or man of their dreams turn them down. I realised later on that it was better for me not to be with him because our life goals do not match. Being from another generation, he does not really understand how to communicate using modern IT paraphernalia, plus, the time he has left over is not enough for me. But thanks be to God because after this unhappy episode, I've learnt a lot of life lessons that can't be gained from just reading a book. I decided to pray a horrific prayer to me - to 'open' my mindset of not being open to younger or same aged guys...I never did like guys my age, sorry... I just happen to think I'm more mature, which I'm not,
I guess.

And just a few months later, I did meet the person whom I knew at almost first sight that this guy is a-ok for me. 2 months to be exact. God is good.

Sometimes we are too impatient, we pray for months on end, hoping for a singular outcome, but little do we know how to pray, or what to pray for.

And all the men will disagree with me as they have this peculiar mindset that developing from friends is the standard, the ideal scenario... but trust me, men do not know how to be friends with the girl they like. Period.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

David Choi - That Girl - Official Music Video - Wong Fu Productions

raining on my parade

Well, I'm glad I didn't choose to go shopping at my favorite Ion this morning.
But such sights are really, unbelievable.
Sometimes downpours happen suddenly, and we are left stranded. Not only downpours of the weather kind, but in life as well. Unbelievable downpours do happen, and when the roads are closed, it's hard to get out. Seriously, when you are stuck in such a scenario, would you have a smile plastered to your face? That's one reason why I like to see real emotion on the faces of people who have not yet gone for plastic surgery.
I'm going to the Life Conference, a two day Christian seminar. I'm glad I'm going. This month has been really productive and I'm itching to brag about it to someone but as usual, feeling lonesome...

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Technology Ruins Romance: The Letters

Friday, June 11, 2010

chosen words

It's nice to just spend a day (or a few hours) doing obscure things like looking for pretty postcards to send. For my hobby, an international network of people obsessed with postcards. I got one today, Eiffel Tower! And plenty more

There's a dire lack of nice/inexpensive postcards here. I'm going to ask my friend, Uncle B, in Melaka museum to sell me all the old postcards I'm sure they have in a pile somewhere. If you have been to the famous Jonker Street shop that sells very yummy Asam Laksa and cendol, the old school decor is done up by him and another person. They will be selling some old things from the museums soon, it's called 'deaccessioning'. Incidentally all those years ago I taught Uncle B how to blog one lazy hot afternoon, and he started a blog called melakatoday.blogspot.com. (quite political but for an Uncle he sure writes passionately and well!)

Let's end the stressful week with these lovely phrases. I hope to pen something like this, one day. They make lovely postcards too.


Thursday, June 10, 2010


Poem I wrote in my journal a couple of days ago. Been melancholy these days. Haven't written poems for a few years now, save the last one.

It's been said
That through Life's tough moments
A silver lining brings relevance
What goes up must come down
But nothing that has seized us
Is uncommon to our lives.

Yes, I learn,
Through sufferings:
How to bear another's pain
How to be gracious
In dire straits where help seems futile
How to live and let go and
not tremble in fear.

Death, desolation, poverty, loss
There's a silver lining in every cloud
As long as we learn to cherish
The simple pleasures in life.
Being able to afford time, sipping on a teh tarik -
Is that a true luxury?
I think it is.

And after all,
When we are nearing the end,
I hope I have enough goodness in my character
Not to err
Nor to cause suffering, but only to
Further the triune causes of
Hope, love and faith
My wish for a truthful journey
Along the thorny path of Life.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

in my head

The oft-said words 'missing someone' is overrated. Why does it always sound imbued with icky, gooey, mushy sensations when all it simply means is the person is not as present in the real-life, now and here, presence as much as you'd like him to? I hope... and wish... things will be okay, more than okay. As usual when left to my own devices and without a notifying beep, I over-think and over-analyse. Aw shucks.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

It's been a year

One Year Ago...
'I'm happy to have met you.' I said.

'I'm blessed to have you,' he replied.

Mr A. held my hand!!!
Yes, it's our one-year couple anniversary today, how fast the time passes and before you know it, 12 months since the time when we first held hands. For those who have been the longtime readers and supporters of my life and this relationship, I offer a heartfelt gratitude because you have seen me through my ups and downs, and care enough to continue to offer me your sincere best wishes. Here's to a great second half of 2010!

Thursday, June 03, 2010

You with the sad smile

Where is God in all of the tears we cry and all the fears we faced, seemingly alone, seemingly when no one, no one understands what we are going through?

I've always had a (perhaps immature) viewpoint of Life, that I should live my life, without regrets. Perhaps I've seen too many people trapped in their blanket of guilt over mistakes made long ago that I chose to have this idealistic mentality.

But maybe also, if I consider, we can remember those regrets, and let them teach us to do what's right, for a better Life.

Life seems difficult, at times. The nightmares I had last night filled me with fear - it was of the past dreadful things, and today I am consumed with the memory of the nerve-wracking pain, anguish, and loss of childlike innocence and faith which I remember gripped those days and months.

Admitting mistakes are tough. Admitting to depression, admitting to cashflow problems, failure, job loss, big words that can mar your life. But Life here goes on at such a fast pace that I tend to forget that I'm still stressed and dealing with some losses and sometimes dealing with them I may not make wise decisions.

The truth of your character shines through when you hear of people making mistakes; and your first thought is not to smirk at them (or worse, giving uncalled-for advice), but to try to understand the pain they are going through, for little do they know the ones they hurt most, are themselves.

When you hear of people admitting the secrets they have lived with, please be alongside them to help them out of their addiction/obsession instead of telling others or being shocked beyond belief.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Sometimes, they make it willingly, because they care, too much.

Sometimes they make it because they know no better.

I feel like shit today.