It's about 2 months since I've embarked on this new job. As I was contemplating a 'career' move out of the media industry and into this industry since the start of the year, I had no qualms moving into this position. But it's not as easy as it seems. For those in the sales cycle crunch, the emotional ups and downs of 'chasing sales' is prevalent in this job, and the stress is similar, if not more so. But maybe I find it a wee bit easier as I've worked in those types of sales enviroment before.
As I've always liked to set a high standard for myself in any area I choose to excel in, I have personal aims and am personally motivated too. So motivated that most of the times I forget to eat lunch. But the downside is, I can put aside all feelings whatsoever and concentrate on the task at hand.... and suddenly, I will be 'struck down' by immense feelings of helplessness and 'I can't do this anymore'. Suddenly the stress all comes crashing down on me and I feel like a tiny slug.
A few weeks ago, I felt so stressed that I just could not do anything that day. The powerless, helpless feelings overwhelmed me. Maybe it was because of past issues - I had a bad nightmare of 'ghosts from the past', which really burdened my mind the whole day. Also, there were other issues at that point of time, I was still coming to terms with the sudden loss of a pet, relationship woes, amongst others.
The feeling was a really lonesome feeling, I think all women who have worked and been very stressed in their work, will know what I am trying to express - the feeling of being all alone in this personal struggle about work we fear no one would understand, or want to understand... it's terribly lonely and sad!
Thankfully, TheBoyfriend had a leave day so he just drove me to the beach, tears and all, and after some moments of breathing in the oil-slicked seabreeze, I felt much better. It's a shame that all of us live so close or can easily access the beach, but most of the time we prefer shopping malls instead. I always feel calm walking on the sand and hearing the waves lap. Somehow this natural scene also makes me seem closer to God. I continued doing my work in the evening, with a renewed sense of peace.
After my short stint in the hospital job early this year, I really wondered how I was going to forge my career path. I'm not ambitious in the corporate ladder climbing sense, but there's an egoistic part of me that needs to be doing something really remarkable. I wondered how people would look at me, as I really had the intention to pursue a career in the healthcare sector... but failed so fast and so soon.
But you never know who cares enough to lend you a helping hand. A nice guy friend had smsed me some weeks after I ranted incessantly and treated him as a punching bag during those days at hospital work. How nice, I thought, surprised that someone had remembered my pain.
A nice lady in church shared with me out of the blue, after she read my FB message about the long MC I was given for 'stress-related' causes. How she too, had faced a trying time at work, and also broke down, like me. I was both touched and stunned by her act of bravery in sharing with me. It's not easy to share about the weak times, especially to a mere acquaintance. And after all, it was 'only' a FB message which I thought no one would give a second thought about. I could have hugged her right there and then.
No one knew I was feeling really bad because I worried that it could lead to a nervous breakdown, maybe, and I was really scared I'd end up in the loony ward. My sister said the medicine they gave was the strong type for her neurological patients, haha... but it really worked to make you calm and sleep like a baby!
So, I think, it's normal to have doubts about work.
Whether... I can do this long term? It does look promising to do more than pay my bills, but in the long run, would my emotional health be okay, or would I be more mature in handling stressors and handling people than others? How about future prospects?
Anyways, it's only been 2 short months and I am still a novice.
I have met many nice people, and of course the not-so-nice ones as well. It's the nice ones that make your day!
I hope I can do well...