Friday, March 31, 2006

Moody shots

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Love comes first

I've noticed...
Some people are so absorbed in work that they cannot find relationships, or is it the other way around - they cannot find relationships and so they get absorbed in work. Can I have both, please. I've seen many successful men and women who get to the top, often to find themselves single, lacking in that one aspect of life that seems to be the most important. After all, emotional bonding is a necessity. Love is a necessity, at least for me. I've seen people who function extremely well when feelings are not involved, yet get into a mess because they cannot fathom the emotions that seep deep into the abyss of their soul, something they have ignored for the longest time. Perhaps only when they are on an overseas trip, be it a holiday, or some traveling to be done, then the pangs of loneliness sets in and they look searchingly at the horizon, wondering if they have given up too much, or dreamed of too little.

I've met many eligible guys in their 30s, many nice single ladies, both in my office and outside, people I talk to, people I've come to be friends with. When it is no longer possible to be with someone who is totally right for you, are you willing to settle for less? And if there is no one you can possibly imagine spending the rest of your life with, would you want to spend it alone? Is there no alternative solution for our increasingly single society. It's not as if they do not want to get married, perhaps this has never really been an important agenda for them in the life with so-many-things-to-do. Yet I see wistful longings on their faces when I tell them excitedly about my youthful dreams of relationships and kids, of a husband that loves me. I see the pangs of loneliness on their faces when I gush to them about the dates I've been to, the guys I've seen. Perhaps in listening to a young girl's dreams they remember once, that they had the capacity to love, and be loved in return.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

career path

Your Career Type: Enterprising
You are engertic, ambitious, and sociable.Your talents lie in politics, leading people, and selling things or ideas.
You would make an excellent:
Auctioneer - Bank President - Camp DirectorCity Manager - Judge - LawyerRecreation Leader - Real Estate Agent - Sales PersonSchool Principal - Travel Agent - TV Newscaster The worst career options for your are investigative careers, like mathematician or architect.

For granted

I take for granted the beautiful skies with white fluffy clouds and warm weather that brightens up the day, making sure washed clothes dry easily, making sure my shoes don't get mouldy.

I take for granted my healthy body, only wondering why people always lament at their ill state, or have to keep taking medication. I saw a man walking in pain on my journey to work today. I prayed to God I will never lose one side of my leg to a twisted, malformed, misshapen disease.

I take for granted the friends I have around me, always longing for love, looking for new pursuits, never thinking once of the ways they have been so supportive, rather; facing them with sarcasm and sometimes pointed words I hardly mean to say.

I take for granted my faith, having received so much, I still give little. Wanting more and more blessings and prosperity, but unwilling to commit to a higher cause. Seeing the needs that can be filled, yet stepping aside and hoping for a miracle but not providing one.

I can't choose my experiences in life, but I can choose how to respond to them.

Unfortunately my responses have not always been cohesive, nor righteous.
My emotional responses are triggered off by external factors I cannot control.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Eagles don't regret

Eagles don't regret. Can I keep a bat for a pet?

He said to me,

"So are you giving the other guy a chance now?"

Now that he chooses to leave without telling me. Now that he is in Soi Country, without even calling me once. I'm not unhappy at the fact that he leaves, I'm dissatisfied with the way he thinks he can live his life without a thought for the people who care so much for him.

They say opportunity only knocks once. By his actions, my door is gingerly pulled shut. Yes, the feelings are dissipating. Feelings don't last. Only commitment makes love last, in my opinion.


Called Brightmann "chou chou" today, haha. I actually forgot what it meant in French. Some kind of cutesy phrase I think. Met him downstairs from The Office, got a chance to stare into his eyes but still don't know what color they are. He told me a two-minute life story as we walked into the main corridor and parted ways. He's someone that makes me smile. Or rather, laugh uproariously! Last Friday, was in for a long meeting. Kept spotting him in the main corridor.

I usually hesitate talking to him because he is always talking to the bigshots. But hey, he always notices me and gives a shoutout to me! Felt slightly embarassed then as the whole corridor would know my name.

The other time I went out for a break - I was headed to the toilet and feeling kind of cold, saw Brightmann again, now talking to one ang moh I don't really like - I thought that he was a tad insincere in his treatment towards others, only paying them respect if they were associated with other bigshots. For me, he used to greet me heartily because I was Big Boss' pet, now that Big Boss is in HK, he slights me I think. Well, I don't give two hoots but well, it just shows his character. So Brightmann spotted me - I didn't think he would give a shoutout again... but he just said "Oh! She's coming this way!" And proceeded to hide behind a pillar... I turned in time to see the shocked look on the face of the ang moh, the one I didn't really like. That, was priceless. I grinned the whole day. Really made my Friday a cheery one. I know that Brightmann has tons and tons of work to do - In fact he said that it would take about a year to settle things. And he works all weekend long too... Yet he is so cheery, so happy bouncing about the office, it's a blessing to have people like that around.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Into Personality

Quite interested into personality, body language and communication these days, believe that it's an integral part of communication. Just took this 10 minute (Phd certified) personality test, my assessment as follows:

Key Areas of your Personality
Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your Low Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Variety
Your High Assertiveness Level

Your Interaction Style:
You scored 65 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily outward towards other people and things - rather than inward. You don't mind being alone, but you feel most energized and inspired when you are around other people. Your mixed extroversion/ introversion tendency affects your learning style: For example, it is more effective for you to listen to a person explain something than it is for you to read about it on your own.

Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to recognizing emotions in other people. When you look at a person's face you focus on what you see on the right. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie. Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.

It's quite strange (and true) that they picked out on this unique way of my ... expressions, because I would use my left ear... because it's my master side.

Well, on the journey to know myself better, understanding myself and the people around me. I honestly believe that one cannot understand people without understanding ourselves first.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Ice cream seller

How, an ice cream seller provokes deep thoughts today.

Walked out of The Office today with only one namecard left in my namecard holder. I usually put about 10 and slowly give it away. Today, I wondered who I could meet along the road on the way to Gym. Felt peckish so I unexpectedly stopped at an ice cream seller's cart near The Office. Walked down the River road so many, many times, never noticed him. He looked happy to see me as I pondered over what flavor to choose from. I sort of felt pity for him so I engaged him in small talk. Asked him where he came from and why did he choose to sell ice cream here.

He replied in a lisping voice - because he has lost his front teeth - that he was formerly a chef at BlackAngus and later started his own food biz but it failed due to the bird flu. He did not speak in a tone of resignation or blaming this party or that person - the way many, many people have spoken to me, when it comes to their biz ventures. He seemed content, truly joyful although many would pity him as a useless, uneducated person who could do nothing to contribute to Society. I realised today that despite some people having so much money, and he, a meagre sum, his happiness made him richer than most people in the corporate sector. Even talking to him I felt so touched by his enthusiasm for life. He gave me two wafers for free, even though I already had the bread and a cup of ice cream.

I gave him my last namecard, briefly telling him what I do. He seemed genuinely happy to receive it, that someone would give him a namecard even. He replied happily, "My name is Daniel! It's found in the Bible!" I gave a half-smile and said, my name, it also comes from the Bible. We told each other where our churches were.

As I was leaving he waved happily and said, "Bye! Jesus loves you!" I caught his words before I put on my headphones and went on my way.

Sitting by the River, eating the yam ice cream, I suddenly felt an irresistable urge to cry.

Isn't it amazing that I was hoping to bless someone today. Instead, God used him to bless me and touch my life, unexpectedly.

Later, went to the Gym. Haven't been there for months. Really months! I prayed a little prayer that if I were to see Batman, I would definitely ask him. And... I saw Batman. At first could not remember his face (or body, haha!) but I guess his remembrance of me gave him away. So, before I left, I finally got to know his name (and age, and where he lives) Another Gym buddy, another nice friend. Batman!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Sexy sunlight sepia shots

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Just another name and number

Vision, values, volition.

Part of my job scope includes calling dozens of people every week. I do like to talk to strangers actually(when I'm in a happy mood and having a good hair day), so it's just part of a small challenge to get it rolling.

I always sign off my emails with the signature "Prayer Changes Things", below my name and contact details. The ones that do remark on it are few, but this week, there was one guy. Someone I cold called because I had his namecard through a third party source. He was just another name and number in my long, long list of people I was in contact with. Someone I barely spoke with for minutes. Yet through his remark on my email signature, he replied in few sentences. Asked me if I had believed in prayer and was I going through some things right now. I replied, yes I do believe and in fact I'm a cell leader. Yes I was going through some emotional issues but it's nothing major. He asked if TTC was affliated to my church, and through his simple sentences I could tell he was a Christian as well. He is semi retired, and from the voice I guessed about 40s.

Then the shocker came. He sms-ed me that he was on sleeping pills. From my knowledge I guessed he was an insominac and probably depressed to some extent. I asked if everything was alright.

He replied that his wife was having an affair with a Christian married man for 5 years now and his PI caught them making love in parks and public spots. He was terribly sad and angry. I asked what was he going to do about it, he said, file for divorce. I offered him some words but I couldn't really know how to response with God's words of encouragement in a time like this.

I was wondering how God could use me in my marketplace. That guy was just another name and number in my list. I guess unexpected things do happen. I hope I was of help.

During AP night on Wednesday God spoke to me so so much. I needed affirmation, I had some! It was so clear, the affirmations about what I was doing, that God is pleased and that He will use me to speak. Words, from bad to turnaround. Two days later, I was doing that. That guy was just another name and number in my list! The word 'turnaround' has been sticking like a sore thumb in my mind ever since last year. I'm glad the words God has spoken again and again. Also, He promised that this year is a year of double portion for me. I hope it will come soon. One thing I cannot understand yet is the word that this year, I will fight many wars, but God will give strength. What wars? I don't like wars. But perhaps for my case the wars will bring about peace and restoration. I'm glad God, that you are pleased with what I am doing so far.

And I'm praying for an answer to one thing that will bring me a lot of joy. He has no idea how much he has changed my life, my worldview. And now all I want is to see him again. I owe him a goodnight hug.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Level up!

Need some introspection again.

Physical Tank: Low. Although still look the same (I can't put on weight la) But I seem to have a general lack of energy and flexibility. I shall go to the gym soon... I really need to put in energy, get really tired after a day's work... Just want to jump into bed and be cuddled a bit... Ha...

Emotional Tank: Fluctuating to say the least... Day to day basis. Overall I would say I'm not contented at all, then again, how to be, when the recent spate of events have left me in doubt and worried to say the least? I've a lot of self-realisations recently but... is this perhaps a part of me that needs to mature still...

Mental Tank: Have been said to me that I'm very self-motivated. Actually I am, job-wise at least. Very happy and satisfied to reach the daily small targets that I have set, whether or not it would actually be lucrative in the long run still remains to be seen. I'm also happy with the people I've met, so many are so nice, approachable and friendly. Maybe I'm lucky but I tend to get really friendly people on the phone and on the street. Makes me even more motivated to share what I'm doing.

Spiritual Tank: Praying a lot for myself and my family these days, more than ever, sometimes it's so tiring that I pray and sleep and still wake up the next day with a frazzled look. I realise that I have not been really pursuing anything substantial lately, perhaps of the general lack of interest in topics... anyways I have been reading so much before, so ... I still think that I'm generally okay... just hanging in there by a thin rope.

Everyone needs more time and more money.
Why aren't we satisfied? =)

Sunday, March 12, 2006

An acre in Sri Lanka

"You deviate an inch on the map, you lose a thousand miles on the ground."
Ancient Chinese proverb.

When a woman asks her man, "How do I look?", it means that she is asking, how you do feel about me.

No shortcuts to the journey on which you are going on. I guess that is true for me. I don't want to take a shortcut and then miss it. Nor do I want (who wants?) to lose my focus and then take a longer time to get there. Wondering about Life and what it has in store for me. Growing up seems to be hard. Only a few years back, we still depend on the parents for pocket money, reliance to pay phone bills and stuff. Our holiday jobs was just to supplement our income to buy more new fads. Now, we have to earn our own keep. And in a short few years' time, marriage is on the cards, with kids along the way. How fast the balls keep coming. It's hard to imagine what it would be in a few years' time. How much we all would have changed.

But while I still can, I like to lie in bed and daydream a little, wishing for days where I can just smile and laugh on end, having no significant worries, having a man who loves me, someone I can trust and support if need be. I want to travel so much, the urge is getting increasingly stronger. Meeting Sri Lankan delegates yesterday fuelled another dream in me.

It's been a year. Last year before I had dengue, was volunteering with the video team in the Missions Convention, Adam.

I met this extremely fascinating Sri Lankan youth pastor who was my age. He was a lanky, dynamic guy who used to work as a newscaster. We had planned to talk more, but unfortunately I was down with the fever immediately after volunteering. I remember last year I was pretty peeved at my state of health because I missed my favorite Mark Gorman's speech.

This time, saw a bunch of Sri Lankans sitting in front of us during the service. Kie and Penelope and Fifi were so enthused with talking with them, I was so proud that my folks could offer a bit of Singaporean hospitality. Talked to Julian, Jude, Mitchell(that's the pastor), Natasha, Zaki, David and a few other girls. Hearing their dreams and how God has provided them with money really fuelled my desires to help others reach their dreams. Jul works in HSBC, Sri Lanka, and he earns about sgd $300 a month. I cannot imagine how much they saved, just to get here, and how hard it was. We take things for granted, because we have it too easy. They travel an hour's journey to their church. Yet they have so big dreams - Tash wants to build christian schools as there is none in their predominantly Buddhist country. When my deals come through, I shall definitely help fuel this mission. I have a dream now, too. Of buying a plot of land in Sri Lanka. To build, schools. Churches. Orphanages, etc.

Dr David Grant: Obey (God) and miss it... rather than not obey and miss it.

And I feel something for a certain country now, when I gaze at it's national flag. It seems to jolt me, make me feel something for its people and the places. I wonder... Am I going there soon?

So Canada, Australia, Thailand, Malaysia and Sri Lanka are now top of my list. If I make friends everywhere, I shall travel the world. On a shoestring budget!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Fragile Love

Short story, copyright mine.

For them, they had no opportunity to exchange last words.

It was a rush, a mad rush down the airport. Shane had so much faith in God. But perhaps all was in vain. He wanted to see her, for the last time, before she was cremated. Anxious to get back, he hardly slept since he heard the news. It was nearly impossible to get transit flights back from America to Singapore, but he was going to make it. He had to. With just the backpack on his shoulders, he ran, the length down Taipei airport to catch the connecting flight. He made it. The moment he boarded, the cabin doors closed and the plane prepared for takeoff. He made it this far, he could make it all the way, even though deep inside he felt like he wanted to die.

Rose was a sweet, quiet girl who loved kids, and loved to smile. Because of this love, she was going to become a teacher. Only that, Rose died early. The departure of a young adult always seems so sad, so wasted. At twenty-three, she was just beginning to bloom into a beautiful new phase of life. But at twenty-three, she decided that it was over. Rose decided to end her life, for reasons only known to her, one fateful morning. Just before her teaching assessment, Rose jumped. Down a seven storey flat. She died on impact.

He bought a ring for her. He had never bought a ring before, and wanted my help on it. Shane asked for my ring size. And bought one with the hope of it being a perfect fit. More than a ring, it symbolized all that he wanted to say to her. That she was special in his life.That she mattered. That of all the girls in his life that he had crossed paths with, she was the best one for him. He never had the chance to give it to her, to tell her that along with this ring, he wanted to marry her, to share their life together.

To see her one last time. He made it. He witnessed the cremation. He managed to press a rose into her hands, her pale and cold hands now belonging to a world not of his own. With a heavy heart he stood there, not believing his eyes. The last time he saw her, she was full of life, full of love. He knew that his heart broke, the moment he heard that she was dead. A heart broken can be mended, but no one could replace Rose, in his heart.

Since Shane was a teenager, he had always dreamed of love. Not just a love based on mutual attraction to one another, or those which conjure up butterfly feelings and tingles of excitement whenever he meets her. Shane wanted a love that endures. He shared to me that for him, it would be like the shooting of an arrow into a bulls’eye. Just need to meet one person, and that would be the right one. Just want to have one relationship. And she would be the best one. So through the angst of the growing-up years, through my crushes, and many failed relationships that I had, Shane stayed true to his desire. He never embarked on any love affair. He did not want to. Until he met Rose.

A love so deep it can only break the soul when it is dying. I felt pained at seeing Shane, my best friend, going through so much anguish. I wanted so much for him to be happy again.

Sometimes love has the ability to tear us apart, yet it reveals in us, the strength deep within that we never knew we had.

Nearly a year later, we met again. Two old friends, not yet weary with the tribulations of Life, instead, looking forward to the new year with many hopes and promises. The year ahead was going to be a good one. I gently asked him, if, it was still painful. He has moved into another season now, after the withering of his fragile emotions the year before. Shane told me that he has, after a period of silence, that he has been able to go on. That God has been so willing to do a heart surgery for him, that he can find himself being attracted to other godly women. I rejoiced in my spirit that he has found himself, along with God’s love. Time heals some; but not all. Only God can heal all.

In memory of Lil, 1 year death anniversary today. Rest in peace.

Friday, March 10, 2006

The right decision

For the truly faithful, no miracle is necessary. For those who doubt, no miracle is sufficient.
-Nancy Gibbs.

What if Jesus gave up on the way to Calvary? Then he couldn't save the world. What if I gave up on the road to success? Then... I can't save myself.

Doctor V said to me today, a wise word of advice.

He said,

Make the right decision! If not, make the decision right.

Whew, that's a deep insight. Love to spend time chatting although it seems like we are on completely different wavelengths at times. He's the one who is still on his journey for God, waiting, searching. Mentioned about the sadness in his eyes. Today was a happy day for me, met ex-Big Boss, he flew down for a meeting. Introduced me as "his daughter", to the cafe aunt who is his church member. Sob sob! I really miss him! Wahhhhhhh... he is still so respected that when he walks around in The Office, you can literally see people's eyes lighting up and looking at him in a mixture of admiration and shyness, he is still a bit of a celebrity, someone much talked about, and more importantly, well-loved by most. Daddy. Having no children of his own, I'm glad he regards me as one of his kids.

And happily, met Brightmann too. Said his door was always open for me. That means a lot to me, although I don't even know where that is now, and whether that is to be taken literally or figuratively. Nothing salacious in that statement though, The Office has clear glass doors and walls.

I shall get to know Canada better. Remembered my conversation with Super2, that perhaps it (Canada!) was a good name for my kid girl, if I really made it. He recommended me to call my son Fullerton. It's so funny. But hey, I shall consider... =) Allegra (medicine brand) and hydrocortisone (steroidal) is not bad, too.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Easy to Love Part 1

Excerpted from a Chester email:

"spoke to my mom again a few days ago for the second time. was nice to hear her voice again. a little advice from me: tell your parents that you love them more often (if you don't already do so). it's easy to take them for granted cause we think that they're going to be around for some time. i still remember when i met up with my dad in a small cafe in KL when i was 17 and had just finished high school. it was just the two of us. i hadn't seen him in almost a year, and somewhere along the conversation he said, "i can't help thinking that you hate me." i said i don't know "but i think a part of me does." he just noded his head. when he left that day that was the last time i saw him; he left for good four months later. rachel, what i would give to take those words back. so, don't make the same mistake i made, don't wait till it's too late."
Was just thinking these days, how easy it is to love people and how difficult to love God. Or vice versa, in certain ways. Been hankering on the topic of love a little bit, pretty much due to the things that have been happening around me and the way I feel towards people.
Well isn't that something all of us love to dream and read about.
Including me. I love Chester emails on mondays, they bring a sense of harmony.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Because he makes me laugh

Ocytoxin and dopamine.

Eddie Valiant: Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.

Nuff said.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


All too often nowadays I tend to lapse into a slang that can only be described as uniquely mine. A slang in which the words uttered tend to be pronounced in a comprehensible manner that can only be described as non-local-speak. I wonder where this faux accent was manufactured from, as I have noticed that I have spoken like that for as long as I can remember. But only recently it has gotten 'worse' - or if you look at it in another way, it should be 'better'.

I have forgotten how to speak Chinese. My ears no longer can figure out the simplest of phrases, two cojoining words put together to form a description of another word. I no longer can decipher how to order what to eat, thanks to the clearly illustrated signboards with numbers on them. No one now needs to understand a smattering of Chinese to order from Chinese food stalls. Just point to the picture, or even better, raise up a hand gesture in the symbol of the number that you want. You don't even need to speak. Strangely, Chinese hawkers now speak to me in local English-speak too. When I ask, 'how much?' (Because I cannot trust my tongue to twist into saying it in Chinese) They immediately answer, Oh, it's 70 cents, miss. Only the truly Chinese from China - many populating our shores these days, still hold on to tradition and refuse to speak in another language, almost standing out in their inability to local-speak.

I have absolutely no desire to put my offspring through the nightmare I went through, having failed my first test ever in the Chinese language. Having people laugh at me because of a single phrase I uttered. Others are more kind when you cannot pronounce English words right, they look sypathetically and utter kind nonsense about your underprivileged upbringing. But when you cannot speak your mother tongue, it is almost as if you have failed your duty by your ancestors. I prefer then, to be elitist and speak in my strange slang almost as though I have spent a good part of my life on the sidewalks of London and the highways of LA.

While in the bus, on the way home from The Office, I saw my old primary school mother tongue teacher Ding laoshi walking to her flat. As chances would have it, she lives close to mine. I was shocked at how old and frail she looked, almost like an old woman now, graying hair that was thinning in places. And then I realised that it was more than 10 years, close to 15, that I had actually last seen her. She was well-loved by all, unarguably the best mother tongue teacher we had ever had. I used to be on the same school bus as her, and she would take the opportunity to drill into me some chinese stuff which I never remembered. I wonder if the mother tongue teachers were amused at me not responding to my chinese name. In secondary, Mrs Fish had to call me "Rachel", only she couldn't pronounce it properly. I still remember one thing, though. She said to me, "Hai(a sigh)...(my chinese name) ar... Why you have beauty and no brains?" In Chinese of course. I remember feeling flattered that she thought I looked good - actually I did, in Primary. I was slim as a willow, with fair fair skin, thick red lips, and thick hair... perhaps it fitted into her expectation of a young femme.

Well... fast forward to now. Present time.
I have no beauty and no brains. Should I add no money as well?