Thursday, March 01, 2012

The parts of ourselves we keep hidden from others

I was just thinking and having an introspective moment. There's a simple beauty of having someone to ask you about your day... and also asking someone 'how's your day'... I can talk nonsense to a lot of people but sometimes I share like I don't give a damn. I can text more coherently than speak, so sometimes strangers who stumbled upon my words know me more than the ones that I see frequently.

And there's no one person that we can share whole-heartedly to. Like, everything, every little thing. I have no explanation for that. Maybe we wanted the so-called 'soulmate' to see us in a better light. So we keep the maybe-bitchy thoughts to ourselves. The scandalous behavior we only share to a select few, just to keep our consciences clear. The things we have observed and always wanted to point out; but being a 'mature adult', we stay silent... or perhaps respond later. Some people don't know how to respond later. Respond later, lah... I always needed someone to tell me how good it is, because sometimes, I've forgotten to appreciate the (free) things in life. Why did we become like this?

There has been someone on my mind, someone I think about everyday for some time now.
I didn't want to be the pining damsel in distress, so I tried my best to forget him. Afterall, by certain actions it proves he does not have as much of me in his mind as I have of him. That sucks, yes, but it also means I have accepted the reality (and not living in a delusion, though I wonder which is preferable, at times...) But I am forgetful (and thus the urge to want to document everything)... and too soon, I have forgotten to think about him daily. It took someone else to come here to make me forget, and maybe I am using the person like a pet puppy, and maybe I feel terribly guilty about such, but the simple beauty of it, is that we just needed someone in our lives to ask, how was your day. That's all. Like a huge puppy that keeps smiling at you and then tugging and pushing at you till you hurt or fall over, but the large braun eyes make sure you will not be able to find it in your heart to be angry at this thing. That's all. And then we will go on our own ways in the world, happily, forgetfully.

However. Sometimes someone still comes floating on a cloud like a bad dream, almost in front of my face. And then I get bad tempered for no reason. I start to jerk in my wakefulness. My eyes take on a sad look that says, make up your mind once and for all. Didn't you say, albeit cheesily, to him, that you wanted to find 'someone like you'? Until one day finally, you start filing the virtual silence with some upset words, perhaps, just to fill the silence, perhaps, just to see a reaction. He messaged back. I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I don't know what to say to that message.

One day, I will write a story about you.
I wish nothing but the best for you, too.