Sunday, November 30, 2008


It seems that everyone's thinking - and talking about LOVE, this balmy evening.
The gang met for dinner and there were some ruthless quizzing going-on, probably the aftermath of 'The Marina Barrage incident'.

Later, [Y] asked me, too, in an aside:
'So is the one who holds your heart here, today?'
(There were about 10 guys around by the way)

I answered, truthfully,
'No...he is not.'

I don't mind telling him what transpired, but the memories are still, too raw... sensing that perhaps, I needed to know not only I had to face some struggles in this area, he sincerely told me that he wants to tell me his story too, before he and his pretty girlfriend became a couple.

Yes, I hope that hearing the story will give me some hope for the future.
I wonder if I will ever love my future husband to such abandon, to such intensity, whether I can EVER find that connection, the meeting of minds - which I so miss now that it is taken away from me. Almost like a part of me has died. I film myself and sometimes there is that sad look in my eyes, I am scared of the intensity of how I feel inside... sometimes, all the times between dreams when I am awake, I say his name in my heart and I am lost.

Last week, I prayed that God will help me to transfer such feelings, if it is ever transferrable, to the intended one because it is not in me to live a farce, I will never be with someone I can't/don't love forever.


Architect always says,
'Those who look for love will find it somehow...'

Over time, I've come to realise that that is true. Those who keep their eyes and hearts peeled open, will find someone, eventually. That is hope for those who want to fall in love.

I wasn't looking for anything, but you found me, and rescued me - and I realised that now, you've seen me at my most vulnerable, then. I've come to realise that I cherish all the movies we've seen, all the public holidays we've spent together... and now that my heart begins to beat to a foolish love song, a song that says that maybe, I'm too late.

Friday, November 28, 2008


It's spiritedly on entertainment tonight...
I bring you the most interesting photos...Tonight, it's

Stay tuned!

More than once, I've been told that I resemble some celebrities...

Yea... I have the dimple there too. And the chubby cheeks.

Also, Dee Hsu, Barbie Hsu's sister, an entertainment host in Taiwan. I actually didn't know who she was (I don't watch Mandarin shows, cannot understand) until someone told me about the resemblance back then.

A nice guy once told me I look like his idol, BoA... Hehe, I never forgot about him.
Although to me, that's quite a far stretch of imagination.

(My 2 bodyguards, only in Thailand...)

It must be the curse of my Creative Head that I also see uncanny celebrity-resemblances in my friends and acquaintances! Perhaps it's not only the facial resemblance but also the style and character of those they resemble... see what I mean:

Clone's brother, [J], always reminds me of a sweet and hunky guy I watched on a Korean drama show:

Kim Rae Won! *whistles*
He's a Korean heartthrob and I suspect if [J] goes to Seoul, he'll be mobbed by many korean ladies...

Our resident bachelor who always manages to turn heads in The Church, Jelly. He's a good friend, good guy... and going to one of the AIDS babies village in Changmai next week for a humanitarian trip.

Some gals told me that Jelly looks like... Tay Ping Hui!

When did Tay Ping Hui act in a period drama??

Buay tahan, both also like to pose for the camera...

There are other guys in The Church who look like celebrities!
Jonas Brothers?
Stephen Chow?
David Cook?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(the one on the right)


[R], on the right...

[T], I keep expecting him to sing the 'cha shao bao song' and tap dance...


Each time Knarf's friend walked past me, I always say to myself, woo, there goes...

David Cook.

Can't see the resemblance?
Let's take a closer look...

Exactly like David Cook style on his album cover.

He sings, well too, that David-Cook lookalike.

Remember to say hi to all the celebrities in our midst!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


In the busy CBD area on a cloudy day...

Swishing past the Singapore river...

Walking past a dustbin...


THE Cavenagh bridge!!!

Sure brings back memories, doesn't it?

(For the uninitiated, a nice place to propose.)

Hahaha! IcedMountain gonna kill me for revealing in advance.

Monday, November 24, 2008


IcedMountain has been laughing at. me. non. stop.
*humpf* It seems that everything I say amuses him...

Although, I am kinda tickled by it and start to be infected, too. Even Knarf is bemused by the way some stupid things can set us off into a flurry of giggles. We have different funny perspective on life, I think...

Quote of the day, said IcedMountain when I drew the Guardian Angel (which represents his unspoken wish to be someone's happy angel) on a 'snow' frosted window while having dessert bowl:
"Creative head... and itchy hands!"

Last weekend, was buried in Eragon (yes I've finished it and started Eldest) - I was actually drawn to buy 'Brisingr' because of the author, and the cover, beautiful drawing of an angmoh dragon who seems to be smiling, yet not smiling, something of an enigma like Mona Lisa. Eragon's quite a page-turner compared to Brisingr, a slow, relaxed kinda read which I'd be content to flip a chapter each day. Maybe that's why I took a day to read Eragon whereas Brisingr... haven't finished in a month. I'm glad for this opportunity to slow down and just spend a day at home. Hopefully, the rest of the week is also like this.

Also, the poignant memories are still there, but not getting to me as much as before. It's so nice to treasure the simple happy moments, instead of pondering upon anguished thoughts.

I went to Bali last year around this time, give or take a couple of weeks; so, revisiting the place:

MY favorite which I've influenced everyone in the team to try (Except P Kenny who sticks to Coke)... Wah, I really miss the thirst quenching feeling of the Sosro...

Another favorite 'Apokat'...somehow tastes better in Bali... they add chocolate sauce you know!

Who can forget, the most beautiful sight I've ever seen in my life, sunset at Tabanan village - the sunset is real pink and purples... and the rice fields reflecting the hues...I can stare at it for hours.

We prayer walked around the monument

Apparently it's a famous dish there...although not to my liking.

BBQ Fish at Jimbaran beach... breezy, seaside place.

Entertainment during lesson time. I teach how to sing Amazing Love, haha.

Our entourage behind (the motorcyclists)so we can be cool in the van.

Our VERY handsome churchworker-tourguide-vandriver (on the right) who hails from Menado. In Bali we met many people from different parts of Indon, there are people from Timor-Leste, Menado, Javanese, even met a guy from Komodo Islands, cool!

Pastors and us from Morning Star Assembly!

Friday, November 21, 2008


The Shakespeare guy said, 'the course of true love never did run smooth.'
I've always liked this chinese phrase that was popularized in a watch commercial, it says, 'heck care about timeless love to the ends of the earth, only care that you once have had, and had cherished' that effect. Maybe by holding it close to my heart it spells out my destiny as all my loves seem thwarted by some unseen force.

I don't mean to make others remember their deep, past loves too, but I guess that somehow, I do. I'm sorry but at this point of time I just have sudden, stinging, poignant recollections...even whilst surfing FB (which I seem to be active on lately) I just surfed to a young chap's profile, a guy who used to hang out with Zero, those buddy sessions of playing games, and I remembered the last time we bumped into him, somehow, my mind has a life of its own and although this week I have been generally chirpy (and able to sleep well and all), THAT memory of something insignificant by all senses made me sleepless! And chatting with Mr Hans lately, too - we share fond memories and he suggested (not your fault, Hans, it's mine) we catch up to share how we miss Zero and I was... !!!


I know him too well, I feel that it's MYSELF that I don't know. Thoughts and feelings alien to me cloud my mind recently.

Okay. I shall hypnotize myself, lalala.

Was busy this week filming a tattoo show - I always wanted to do something like that, being a fan of Miami Ink's style. I think people, myself included have misconceptions about Tattoo artists' work... and the people who do them. So far, all the locals we have interviewed are really nice, in fact they are quite camera-shy and introverted - I guess you have to be of a calm and quiet disposition to be really good at the art. I've always wanted a tattoo but I never knew what to get, I always jokingly/half-seriously told my friends I'd do my husband's name on my ass... hope his name is not long, like 'christopher'... Being bored and also for the sake of creating a good video, I got the organizer Kirby to do one for me. Uninked, of course... so I told him what I liked and he drew ...robot wabbit. Haha. I think that somehow it does describe me. It's funny how others can see you better than yourself sometimes. So, well, I have been under the needle. The pain is bearable, lesser than I imagined but at certain points it's cringifying. My parents were cool about it, showed it to Mom who started quoting Bible verses, showed it to Dad who thought it was 'fake blood' (because it's un-inked, it is 'inked' with my blood, so the outline is red, actually, quite gross to look at closely) and when I told him it was MY blood he went 'eeks'!


I also saw many people who did portraits of their wives/gf on their chest, close to their heart, I thought that was really meaningful. What better way to keep them close.

Maybe I need one tattoo of a heart with a small crack to represent the meaning of this intensity, this 'what happened'-ness.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Josh Groban's I'll be home for Christmas

A song which brings tears to my eyes each time I hear it.
Come back, Captain...

To all who serve and have served, and to their families - Thank You for your strength and sacrifice and may God bless you.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Cavenagh Bridge is a good place to propose... especially if it holds nice memories for you.

For me, I used to spend summery hot afternoons eating my sandwich at the Singapore River overlooking Cavenagh bridge. Working at One Fullerton, that pocket of nature amongst the busy cityscape area was my point of respite. I remember looking at Cavenagh bridge once when I was stranded at the Fullerton reception by a thunderstorm, and wondering what sights it must have weathered, what stories it might have stored.

And through last night's conversations I realised that maybe I am not alone in these feelings, that even guys also cherish sweet memories and expectant thoughts of a future with someone special.

We were enacting a 'speed-dating' mass-up between some sporty lasses and laddies in our group - since I was keen to be an observer and eat my ice-cream before Kie finishes it all, we couldn't understand what the hullabaloo was all about. Later, someone was mercilessly teased - he later revealed he had thought of nice places to propose, like the Cavenagh bridge - having a touch of romance sure wows girls in times like these. For me, if I ever go speed dating, I think I will ask questions like, 'Have you ever fallen in love before?' , 'What are the characteristics you look for in a mate?' or just stare into their eyes... hehe, to find out who they really are.

And when I'm lonesome, I find myself having imaginary conversations with a person I hold close to my heart. I wish that his presence could grace my hours more often, the way we used to. I want to whisper, that even though he does not know it, his hands are holding, my heart. That I am the stability factor in his tumultous life, and I forgive everything he has said that has caused me pain, because I know that I can be like that too, in these times. I wonder if he has changed so much by the current circumstances that he does not remember me anymore, that he does not remember my name, or the way we used to talk, without reservations or obligations, that every meeting of us was so important to me- that I felt furious and lost at it being unmaterialised. That although I seem to not be in touch with my feelings I can't understand why I am thrown into this whirlwind of emotions just because I miss him, as if missing him alone was a vital ingredient to rob me of my senses.

And because I am like this, I cannot make his problems my problems, I just need to let things be, 'In His Time'. I am impatient because I love too intensely. If there is any fault, let it be mine, my lonesome heart has held dear the presence of a highly esteemed friend who now means more to me than anything else

It has been said that every girl's wish is to marry a rich guy - every guy seems to know this. What they don't know is that 'rich' doesn't have to equal $$$; he can be rich in other things - like romance.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


On rainy days, I like to introspectively reminisce on nice times shared, somehow the tumultous times spent last year and the better memories that go along with it sprouts in my mind. Maybe being overworked and overtired and slightly soggy from being in the rain and having a wet umbrella as part of your appendage makes me feel super... ... MELANCHOLY!

Talking with Architect today helped me to remember a lot of things. I found that due to my depressive state last year, there were some memory lapses. It's nice to forget, true, but also feel bad at not-remembering.

So...I remembered how I met Mr Hans. At that point of time I knew God has intended me to meet him for some reason, (not THAT reason) which I could not fathom at that point...later I realised that MrBestFriend had brought him to church, and MrBestFriend has apparently disappeared off the face of the earth, despite some leaders' relentless belief... ... always one for challenges, and hoping that MrBestFriend would remember that once upon a time we were close, I persistently smsed him, about my Melaka trips, about the way I was... till one day he responded, and we watched movies together and became best friends. Thanks to Mr Hans - maybe God also prompted him to speak to me that day. And I realised that MrBestFriend was the most appropriate one to help me through the bleakest time in my life, uplifted by the singing of love songs... ... and I also encouraged him to contact the ex-gf...

Maybe now I regret it.

Architect was kinda affected by my mood - so he asked me to think about what I'd like to do to be happy.

I realised that besides being at the horizon of sand and sea and feeling the ocean spray on my face, I'd be Melaka, eating peanut butter sandwiches everyday for breakfast and sleeping in a place where you are awakened by the sound of birds chirping...I'd be happy!

I'd also be happy watching movies, back to back with MrBestFriend. Any movie.

Sigh. Sigh. sighsighsigh.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Extremely Happy!

Received yesterday, an early Christmas present.

This bag was couriered to me office yesterday...

I told Benefit I'm a fan, so they sent me some products to try out...Wow!

The posietint is good for gals like me who are fair skinned - Actually I'm not THAT fair but I still prefer pinky tone to red tone... hee.

My lashes are happy.

My face is happy...

My lips are glossily happy.

Ironman is happy ...haha. I love that dude.

It pays off to be a fan! *hugs imaginary benefit sponsor.

Spiritedly's face by Benefit.

Monday, November 10, 2008


I built some small sandcastle...

When I wrote your name on the sand.

Quite like most young lovers were wont to do - I wrote your name in the sand.

Pantai Lanjut, the beach where I had spent most of my childhood memories, one of the most unspoilt shores on the east coast of the Peninsula I was familar with; where all the 'restorans' in the nearby towns of Kuala Rompin and Mersing offered decent, unbelievably tasty food at unbelievably low prices. That beach was the place I spent the better part of my weeknd, missing you - not wanting to admit that I was, missing you.

At first, I wrote your name, z--- in font size 300, in caps - Your name looks better in caps. And then I added a 'heart' in front.
Followed by 'i'.


But, I was never one to say; or do, (or write) something I did not feel wholeheartedly - the unspoken curse of a thinker woman, I added additional words.

Perhaps, the feeling of love, trust and respect I knew I already had just did not translate to a proclaimation of an 'I LOVE YOU' on the beach of my sweet memories; despite the fact that there weren't anyone around to witness it - I was the only one around for miles, save the little sand crabs and a much bigger one I saw everyday chasing the waves that lapped on the shore. It reminded me of Mr Krabs, somehow - I couldn't help saying to him 'Hi Mr Krabs!' in my best impersonation of Spongebob.

So it was written on the sand,
'DO I HEART Z---?'

The addition of 'Do', and '?' seemed so...looming, especially the '?', it seemed to be mocking the inner sanctums of my soul.

I stared at what I had written for a long time, hoping that somehow a powerful wave would wipe it away, along with my troublesome thoughts.

That question shall be left unanswered for now.
Some questions need no answers.

Maybe missing someone equals loving someone, or worrying too much about someone signifies that you care, more than you think, more than you know, more than you care to write about.

Endless stretch of sand and sky... and you're the only one on the beach

The relaxing path to the honeymooner suite... (I din stay there)

the path leads to this beautiful place...

view from garden of honeymooner suite!

honeymooner suite...immediately feel so romantic, having a house with such greenery...

Casaurinas - natural, not planted, line the sandy beach...

every angle is scenic - spot the tiny man and son - the only people i've spotted at the beach during my days there

more casaurina trees...

i just love the ocean spray...

Slow, lapping waves swishing...

Endless stretch of sand and sky... and you're the only one on the beach

Ok, back to reality.