Of babies, terrorists on boxing day and our inner poet

Recent happenings...
I got my 20th passport stamp for Malaysia. Means I'm more "pendatang asing" (in a positive connotation please) than any of my... Singaporean counterparts.
On Boxing Day around midnight, Ches and I met a 'terrorist'.
I never knew I could be a singing musical box to a baby.

Actually I think the words to my nursery rhyme tunes are all salah!!! (Or else it JUST doesn't make sense. IE Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder WHAT you are? I mean, it's a star right? I really pondered long moments on that...baffling. Anyways.)

And... well, it's splendid to spend Christmas in Melaka again.

I discovered Baby S looks a lot like... ME! (At the same age...)

At 8 months, she looks like me when I was one year old. Okay I look MORE like a boy but...I really feel she looks like the one year old me.
Here's a photo for comparison.

My arms and thighs are chunkier... but overall I'd say Baby S has the same 'skintone' as me, she is the exact SAME fair shade as me!!! Confirm chop chop. Means she will probably be as fair as me, grown-up, and the thick (red) lips too! Hee. She should go for some baby competition (like ME!) when she turns one because the super-fair, plump look is a sure winner in baby contests!

See, my arms looks like bamboo... and Baby S looks positively thin, compared to me!!!
Yes...I'm surrounded by baby contest prizes. Retro Pampers. Mom told me I got 4th prize out of 5 prizes given out and there were hundreds of babies who took part. So I'm confident Baby S can be a winner too!!!

==

I had an unexpected cheery meetup with Ches on boxing-night. He was always away for Christmas but thanks to J's due diligence, we managed to meet on the last night I was in Melaka.

To me it's awesome to have that kind of friendship we have, to sit in utter silence and read books together and go on long midnight car drives on long windy roads. Sounds boring to most but the serenity and the company goes a long way in keeping me sane. So after we disbanded from the group we went on a nice long car ride. Ches seems different in Melaka, a not so melancholy-and -serious version. He even cracked jokes, spouted poetry (!!!!!) and ran to open the car door for me! Buay tahan. Yes it's true! He suddenly said Larry King's words which was a poem written, something like a tribute for/to those wives left behind by dead husbands. In the car, he suddenly said... 'your tears build a staircase into heaven where we will meet again something something'... literally took my breath away... it's like totally unexpected coming from the serious Ches I've known all these years. I managed to find the entire poem when I got back yesterday. Hee.

And I thought I had already been driven to all parts of Melakatown but he somehow managed to bring me to some Taman I had never seen before and a place like botanic gardens, it had black-and-white colonial houses in huge grounds and presumbably lived-in by the ministers of state or some important person.

On our way back to Baby S's place, we had to U-turn at the junction where the traffic lights had a really long wait. The road was deserted as all the cars were waiting at the lights behind the u-turn...so it was only our one car. We can't believe what we saw next! In the MIDDLE of the road, a man was standing there, dressed all in black and carrying a BIG black bag and he was waving his arms at us... unheeded, we just drove on... but, he FLUNG himself in front of our bumper to stop us! I think at that moment it was just...sheer panic, you can't imagine our horror! Ches quickly locked the doors and the terrorist/drunk/madman wanted to try to open the doors... we reversed to where we had U-turned, and he just bounded towards us! Seeing a terrorist-looking man and the crazed look on his face, running towards you is NO JOKE... we both turned pale and quiet (or at least me) and waited along the side of the road until the cars at the traffic light were ready to go. We saw a few motorbikes being accosted by the man too, and he also flung himself at them, almost swerving one... We just waited for a car to drive parallel with us, in that sense both cars were protecting each other. Whew... I'm just thankful we were both okay because in my morbid mind I can just imagine the man flinging his bag, breaking the windows and 'Shards of glass and shrapnel of unknown matter were found in the victims phalanges' ala Bones style... he was really only inches from our faces and his crazed face still burns in my memory! I can still remember me blabbering 'What's he trying to do? What's he trying to do?' And Ches blabbering, 'Make sure the doors are all locked...wait for the cars...go together...GO TOGETHER!' in panic...

We are also blessed that night that Ches took his solid black SUV car out rather than the jangly, springy kelisa which I'm sure could not reverse in such a quick way and also the door could be easily pried open... so, yes, it was a scary incident, I hope a one-off thing.

If Tears Could Build A Stairway

Author: Unknown

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say "Goodbye".
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.

stories I must speak of

After months of not cutting my hair, for fear that I will just go berserk and order a spiffy cut like my last attempt, I finally caved in.

Here's my dye-and-cut at Chapter 2, bugis. I have a longer fringe this time which will grow out in 2 weeks and a darker reddish? color which will also grow lighter, they promised. I never blow my hair because I don't own a hairdryer (The Boyfriend said he will buy me one) and this fringe effect is achieved by not washing it in the morning and using a Mustafa-bought 'goody' round brush. Am heading to cheap beauty shops at AMK to buy more hair products like some leave on conditioner, perhaps a hair mask and how about wax?

My cute blue top is from Gingersnaps, the largest kids' size. I loved it so much I went back to buy two more sleeveless tops and they fit me to a tee. Oh yes and my earphones are from Elecom, it's the best earphones I've ever bought.

==

I had a nightmare yesterday. I don't know why, perhaps the chicken wings at Chompchomp was the culprit. The scenario was that, I was so freaked out by a particular person reappearance in my life that I just clung on tightly to Boyfriend's arm. And the rest of my friends were there, too, but they didn't react, didn't tell the person to f*** his sorry ass off, which was actually, what I suppose would happen in real-life. I wonder how some people, they can just mess up their own lives, and mess others' up in the process. I heard that someone I knew has upcoming nupitals (or already married), last year he was attending a marriage preparation class in The Church. But seemed to be fond of me. Friends say he had a crush on me, I don't know and I don't consider him as he is early 30s. Anyway, definitely not my kind of guy I can envision spending my life with. Through a bad business experience with him which another friend also encountered, I've learnt to stay away from such guys. They have the 'si-wun' face which you always think you can trust them. But they are too smart for their own good, I must say. So while he was attending the marriage preparation class, he remarked to me face to face that he IS NOT READY for marriage.

Wow! What a stunning revelation. Is is about money, I asked. Perhaps he has not saved up and is feeling the jitters.

No, he replied. It should never be about money, was his reply. Then, why not ready?

He gave an excuse saying that his leaders actually said those in his jurisdiction should attend, as long as they are attached. Whether this is true I do not know, but I have heard of others who attend more than once and, are still single... Still, as a lady, I ask myself, would I attend a marriage preparation class with a guy thinking I'm not serious/prepared or ready? No way! So I looked at him in horror as he blasely spoke those words. I pitied the lady, she is 30s... imagine if the wedding is called off, what are the chances of her finding a nice, christian guy? From those words you can judge too that this guy is not that nice. So now having heard the news about their nuptials, I wonder... ... and perhaps I have kept these thoughts to myself until now.

Another guy whom I used to know in my past, I have heard from a family friend he is also having impending nuptials.

It came as a shock to my family friend, but I advised her to look on the bright side. I would say that this couple deserve each other. They are both insecure, appearing nice but emotionally needy. Worse, the girl had dumped him twice before, and always, shortly getting attached to other men who appear more 'stable', IE older and financially secure. It's like break up during Christmastime and new boyfriend before CNY kind of timing. For me, I cannot understand... like how can I find someone to be attached to in such a short period of time? Either I didn't love the previous one much, or I cannot possibly love the next one (in such a short span of time, it is inconceivable to me). Kie had another way of thinking, that is... when the girl is still in previous relationship, she has already 'opened the door' to let the new guy in, hanging out with him and giving him chances. No matter how staid my current relationship is, I would not feel that it is right to give another guy a chance and I cannot even fathom doing so... no way... ... how do I live my life this way? This guy has major flaw as well, but, comparatively, I think any girl is much, much better for him. But this is not my life, I cannot judge why the first girl wants to marry this guy, and why this guy wants to marry this girl... maybe this is their destiny, this is their 'true love'.

Do you think having a life like this (always insecure whether your partner is having cold feet about the union or your partner may dump you yet again for someone more stable) is what you want? Is this kind of life better than being single?

So these are the background stories of people whom I know, getting married. Of course, there are the sweet and nice ones, which happen to be the majority. And these stories, not everyone will tell you. Only those whom you unfortunately happen to be close to.

I saw in church, a guy whom my friend used to have her eye on. He seems to be a godly man in his 30s. But, he has roving eyes. He is hamsup! On Facebook, he will look at young girls' (early 20s) photos and ogle them. In The Church, I saw him having a roving look at me, turning his head all the way back. His girlfriend, a lady who looks like she is around 30, seems insecure and holding him tightly (in service!)

Hmmm...

One of my favorite dogs...

Hee hee. I like this dog! It's wagging its tail at meee.

Was pleasantly surprised to see it because just yesterday, while walking to obscure Teochew porridge place for dinner with Huntley, I saw a dog like this...and I called out to it but it ignored me. 

So today at Seletar (I seem to be filming the area a lot), there was this dog!

The staff at the farm was quite surprised it did not bark at me, claiming that it barks at all newcomers... perhaps, I smell like rabbit that's why?!

I want a chow-chow. This kind of dog is one of my favorite dog, the other being whippet - a deer-like dog with long, spindly legs. Hee... Here it is posing for me:

I wore my Onitsukas to HortPark - another pre-production meeting. It's really nice to visit all these places to do pre-production meetings, but it does get tiring. Still, with the nice environs, it's easy to forget that you are working and just spend a leisurely day learning about different things. I love this part the best. Next week, I'd be doing Peranakan research, filming a rock-climbing place, and hopefully the fishfarm at Seletar. It's all going to be gone by end of this year, so sad... like the place I went to today, a plant nursery - they are going to build a wafer factory on that land. 

It just seems a waste that the government does not preserve the rustic simplicity of Seletar farmways and make it into bangladeshi dorms'; and now JTC factories.

So, going to these places, I feel blessed that I am given a chance to see all these before it is gone. 

And I am not a dog person. 

But I like this chow-chow!

at a baby show

We were taking the feeder bus 261 to somewhere in Ang Mo Kio to exhibit me at my first baby show... hee. Remember those buses with the red spongy seats and windows you had to pull to close or open... ...



The doctor had to inspect your health then...so much more stringent than the baby shows of today where you just have to be photogenic, I guess. This is a real doctor, man. Was mentioning this to Fishfarm Aunt and she said that there was an advantage if you are a chubby and healthy baby. Due to an impending filming with her I had asked her to take out her retro photos, too... hope she has some nice ones!

Yes! I won! There were 5 prizes and Mom said I won 4th. I was like, 'Huh, 4th only ar...' Then she said that there were hundreds of babies who took part and only 5 prizes. Okay. I feel quite proud. Although I never continued my winning streak...Blur already...Just look at the retro packaging of the Pampers! Somehow the older designs are so much nicer don't you think...

The sense of winning starts to sink in and I give the face of victory... LOL.

Actually, I look like a boy!

Sobs! And somehow my ears were sticking out when I was young...

I'm not really sentimental but I think i form a deep attachment to places I've lived in, known, and loved - perhaps being outside too much has created that kind of attachment. I wonder how my old place is like - despite it being only about 5 bus stops away from my current residence, I don't go back. I will, soon.

Places change so much, and too fast.

Melaka...

Melaka...


Is where, on top Bukit China, just a short walk away from the Peranakan shophouse where I stay in Chinatown, you can see the best sunset, overlooking the city. The hill has olden chinese graves built into it, but doesn't have the creepy feel. Some guys asked me in chinese as I was traisping upwards, "ni bu pa ma?" - aren't you afraid? To which I just snorted at them - not being impolite, but too breathless. Ahhh...



Is where I met my first Swedish cyclist who cycled (!!!) from BKK to SG.
We spent Valentine's of '07 together. I was there to meet Ches, but he had a last-min call to his ship.
So I was there alone, but not really alone. And yes, we were both single at the time.
And nothing else happened BY THE WAY! Although he did come to my guesthouse the next morning to wave goodbye, this was the morning after. And, this was all he carried along with him.


Is where I met my first New Caledonian, in fact, I've always wanted to visit New Caledonia. It will be such an adventure!
He runs a B&B and this is the directions to his place.


Is where I get my 'secret recipe' craving of black pepper lamb pie and cheesecakes galore. At half-price, this is a good way to have lunch!


Is where the peacefulness of the surroundings allow me to meditate and have conversations with God. When I am alone, and have nothing to do, I usually find myself talking to Him, which I did, in ChristChurch, for about 2 hours one afternoon.


Is where Ches lives. My escape to, when I am depressed from the noisy traffic sound and daily life woes.


Is where this baby lives, too. Hello Ethan. I bet you are unaware I am plagiarizing this photo, hoho...

Melaka...
...Is where I'm heading to! Yay!

love

It seems that everyone's thinking - and talking about LOVE, this balmy evening.
The gang met for dinner and there were some ruthless quizzing going-on, probably the aftermath of 'The Marina Barrage incident'.

Later, [Y] asked me, too, in an aside:
'So is the one who holds your heart here, today?'
(There were about 10 guys around by the way)

I answered, truthfully,
'No...he is not.'

I don't mind telling him what transpired, but the memories are still, too raw... sensing that perhaps, I needed to know not only I had to face some struggles in this area, he sincerely told me that he wants to tell me his story too, before he and his pretty girlfriend became a couple.

Yes, I hope that hearing the story will give me some hope for the future.
I wonder if I will ever love my future husband to such abandon, to such intensity, whether I can EVER find that connection, the meeting of minds - which I so miss now that it is taken away from me. Almost like a part of me has died. I film myself and sometimes there is that sad look in my eyes, I am scared of the intensity of how I feel inside... sometimes, all the times between dreams when I am awake, I say his name in my heart and I am lost.

Last week, I prayed that God will help me to transfer such feelings, if it is ever transferrable, to the intended one because it is not in me to live a farce, I will never be with someone I can't/don't love forever.

Ok.

Architect always says,
'Those who look for love will find it somehow...'

Over time, I've come to realise that that is true. Those who keep their eyes and hearts peeled open, will find someone, eventually. That is hope for those who want to fall in love.

I wasn't looking for anything, but you found me, and rescued me - and I realised that now, you've seen me at my most vulnerable, then. I've come to realise that I cherish all the movies we've seen, all the public holidays we've spent together... and now that my heart begins to beat to a foolish love song, a song that says that maybe, I'm too late.

memorized

In the busy CBD area on a cloudy day...


Swishing past the Singapore river...


Walking past a dustbin...


Behold...


THE Cavenagh bridge!!!

Sure brings back memories, doesn't it?

(For the uninitiated, a nice place to propose.)

Hahaha! IcedMountain gonna kill me for revealing in advance.

remembered

Haha... really like this photo. Don't really know why though. Perhaps it shows a different side of me.

I've not been thinking about anything for quite some time, I think my brain just died after the week in Thailand - I didn't feel that it was real relaxing though, perhaps all cities have the same busy feeling like that. I'm homesick for Melaka... had a sudden thought about it, while standing in a particularly slow queue yesterday. Somehow it's like the way we think about a long-lost friend or lover and wonder where are they now? I get that sort of nostalgic feelings sometimes.

Last week I spent a day with GoodDaddy just catching up after the week away. He said something that I guess is not meant to be touching but I was rather touched! Hee... we were talking about our signup for a mission trip we planned on going this year. Last year, we went to Bali (cool place!) and he said he had awaited (to go on a mission trip that is) for 7 years! I nearly fell out of my chair at Shokudo's. Imagine, a guy says to you that he wanted to go on a trip with you for 7 years... hahaha... not in that context of course. I was feeling pretty high as his esteemed choice of mission trip partner. Lol. Then he said to me, let's go for the mission trip once every year... At this point of time, my uber-imaginative mind wanted to grasp his hands, look into his eyes and say, YES!! Let's go, every year, for the next 10 years, till we are old and gray... ...

Him being him, I don't think there is a romantic element to that. But still it is rather sweet for him to say those words, right?

I wish I could see him more often, really. But he seems to be busy and busier with ministry and workload's going to increase next quarter. So... ...sigh. I will leave it to God which is the best possible option for me right now. I wish I could tell him the stuff God spoke to me about but it will have to wait for now.

Actually when you are away from your current location for some period of time, after you come back, you tend to remember the friends and people you meet and love, with a greater clarity. It seems that these friendships seem to be fragile and we have to treasure it more. I'm glad I can spend time with Kie, Huntley, catch up with Creampuff, CJ and the rest of the guys... ... even met up with Fang sister, Roach and Zero last week. It's nice to catch up with friends despite the busy everyday life here.

realize

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now. -Colbie Caillat.

Been listening to Colbie Caillat on Jango.com, a social networking radio website where you can listen to other people's fave artists. Basically almost every song is there from the 70s onwards. Dad is addicted to the site.

==

As I grow older, I begin to look forward and really cherish the friends that I want to spend time with. It's a sad but true thing that some of our friends don't have time for us anymore. Inevitably, that's a part of growing up. So instead of otherwise spending my friday evening, I chose to spend it with Chestnut. It was the last day of his exams, so we just walked along the Singapore river and talked about life, love and God. I love talking to him because he provides an insight into life I can understand, and he has the faith too, like me. Chestnut's a really smart and handsome chap, and he's one of those lifetime friends, for me. It's funny because he said sheepishly that his mom keeps asking about me, how was I doing and stuff. Am I on the approved list? Like my parents, his mom leaves 'the decision' to him. Well, I'm the only friend that has come to visit him. Hee. I do like the mom. But I don't love the son... =)

He's going back on Monday and I shall visit him, soon. He makes me homesick for Melaka.


Melaka, miss you...

There are some places in the world that calls you, that has a magic about the place that you can't forget about, and you always wish to go there, in your heart. Chestnut's brother is working in KL and he says the angmohs there always prefer Melaka to KL. The inner angmoh in me agrees with them. Though shopping in KL is quite good, as shopping in any major city is, it gets all the same after a while. I'd rather shop in singapore than KL, HK or any other place. For me, Melaka is one of those places that somehow has the power to hold me, (Japan too!) and call me to come back, again, like the way an old flame has the power to make your heart beat faster (not for me though, maybe only for guys?) Perhaps I've meaningful growing-up experiences there that cannot make me forget my Melaka?

Old flame, I'm coming back, soon.

the wishing tree

Wish. I want to grow a wishing tree.

One of my earliest childhood memories is walking along a rough pavement, shaded by leafy trees; picking saga seeds to put on my playdoh, walking somewhere along Sentosa. I guess that is why I still have an afinity to beaches and parks and open spaces, for there is where I spent my happy times in my childhood.

I remember playing super-soaker with my male neighbours. We formed a gang, meeting up to play at the open space in the middle of our block. Flats aren't built like that anymore. I lived in a time where neighbors all left their doors open and we could borrow each other's kids' company to play in each other's houses. Fortunately for me, my Mom did not discriminate against me playing with little boys, and the boys in my neighborhood were quite well behaved, almost too geeky actually. Maybe it was the water but I only had one girl friend to play with, the rest of the babies were boys. So I learnt, from an early age, how to communicate with little boys, how to play with action figures (just throw them at each other) liking teenage mutant ninja turtles (My Barbie's first husband, sadly for her...)My childhood was a happy one. Filled with little snacks - I could eat what I liked because I remained thin; lots of ice-cream, I could choose what I liked all the time... the smells of swimming pools, linoleum floors and playdoh and the gum we used for art and craft; happy times communicating with my neighbors even though their English was limited and so was my Chinese; hanging out at the playground that had a tiled pelican we can climb up on and imagine that we are flying in its beak.

It seems an awful thought to me that childhood for most people is not like that. And knowing how Singapore is like today, I wonder, if the best for my future generations means having to live somewhere else. We are not careless about our environment, we just don't know how to speak up. We use plastic bags for everything just because we are used to it, and are unaware of a more friendly alternative. And some childhoods are distorted, fragmented, something happened to theirs to make it seem less happy.

When I look back, each day seems happy.
When I look forward, the future seems bright. Never mind that I am not saving enough for my age profile for my retirement right now. Never mind that at 19, when I imagine what myself would be like 5 years later, it is a far cry. My room still looks like a kids' room. I still cannot afford the things I thought I would. But I am happy with my life. It gives me space to think. It gives me time to sleep as much as I need. Yes, sometimes I get panic attacks. I wonder what my life would turn out to be like if I had married early, or chosen a different path to study, if my parents had chosen to stay in Oz instead of heading back. Their generation has accomplished much. It seems like there is not much my generation can. But I am happy, because I realise that I can choose to be. Even though there is emotional, financial, work stress, it is only for this moment and does not define my life.

Sometimes I know, you don't feel like trying. Just chill out, space out. And I am like that too. But it haunts me that I am not able to do what I know is in my capability to.

I cannot say that because of my happy childhood, I am a happier person. I also cannot say for sure whose life will be better just because (fill in the reason).

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much.
Other times, I wish I could care more.