the wishing tree

Wish. I want to grow a wishing tree.

One of my earliest childhood memories is walking along a rough pavement, shaded by leafy trees; picking saga seeds to put on my playdoh, walking somewhere along Sentosa. I guess that is why I still have an afinity to beaches and parks and open spaces, for there is where I spent my happy times in my childhood.

I remember playing super-soaker with my male neighbours. We formed a gang, meeting up to play at the open space in the middle of our block. Flats aren't built like that anymore. I lived in a time where neighbors all left their doors open and we could borrow each other's kids' company to play in each other's houses. Fortunately for me, my Mom did not discriminate against me playing with little boys, and the boys in my neighborhood were quite well behaved, almost too geeky actually. Maybe it was the water but I only had one girl friend to play with, the rest of the babies were boys. So I learnt, from an early age, how to communicate with little boys, how to play with action figures (just throw them at each other) liking teenage mutant ninja turtles (My Barbie's first husband, sadly for her...)My childhood was a happy one. Filled with little snacks - I could eat what I liked because I remained thin; lots of ice-cream, I could choose what I liked all the time... the smells of swimming pools, linoleum floors and playdoh and the gum we used for art and craft; happy times communicating with my neighbors even though their English was limited and so was my Chinese; hanging out at the playground that had a tiled pelican we can climb up on and imagine that we are flying in its beak.

It seems an awful thought to me that childhood for most people is not like that. And knowing how Singapore is like today, I wonder, if the best for my future generations means having to live somewhere else. We are not careless about our environment, we just don't know how to speak up. We use plastic bags for everything just because we are used to it, and are unaware of a more friendly alternative. And some childhoods are distorted, fragmented, something happened to theirs to make it seem less happy.

When I look back, each day seems happy.
When I look forward, the future seems bright. Never mind that I am not saving enough for my age profile for my retirement right now. Never mind that at 19, when I imagine what myself would be like 5 years later, it is a far cry. My room still looks like a kids' room. I still cannot afford the things I thought I would. But I am happy with my life. It gives me space to think. It gives me time to sleep as much as I need. Yes, sometimes I get panic attacks. I wonder what my life would turn out to be like if I had married early, or chosen a different path to study, if my parents had chosen to stay in Oz instead of heading back. Their generation has accomplished much. It seems like there is not much my generation can. But I am happy, because I realise that I can choose to be. Even though there is emotional, financial, work stress, it is only for this moment and does not define my life.

Sometimes I know, you don't feel like trying. Just chill out, space out. And I am like that too. But it haunts me that I am not able to do what I know is in my capability to.

I cannot say that because of my happy childhood, I am a happier person. I also cannot say for sure whose life will be better just because (fill in the reason).

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much.
Other times, I wish I could care more.