Friday, September 30, 2005

Other than what I've been trying to be

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately...

Asking questions, a way of improving myself.

But asking too many questions leads to some headaches and too much analysis leaves me 'aloof and preoccupied'. Guess I'm at my happiest when in the company of people. It helps me to be more positive. I'm so so glad that so many things are happening in my life, at least I cannot complain my life is boring, haha!

Been analysing (again) the people in my life. I think understanding their makeup helps me to better understand conflict management. Wondering how come I just cannot get along with some people, even though on the whole, I get along well with almost everyone. But to connect on a deeper level, very few can actually get that with me. 'It takes time', is just an excuse, I do get close to a rare few, considerably fast, if measured by the quantity of time. Then again, it's hard to please me. Complained that Friend X was too indecisive because he always leaves the decision to me... as if he doesn't have a preference of his own. (In reality, he was just being sweet and pandering to my fragile heart). Then, Friend Y just decided on my behalf - which I wasn't too happy about either! But honestly would prefer, la... Not all the time though. So... it's hard to please me!

I'm over the moon when my big boss spends time with me, I really like him, his character... he's like John C Maxwell live in person, got to see him to believe it! On connecting with people, he told me, it's a higher level when couples that are really close, just give each other a 'look', and instantly one knows what the other is thinking. It's called 'soul-fusion', the word reminds me of some tea, funnily. And big boss is trying to understand people in that way too, to read the body language and spend time with his staff so that he knows what they are thinking (about him?). Haha... guess he will give up trying to 'read' me 'cuz I do give out very confusing signals. Was thinking, hmmm... recently there was one instance where I laughed in a certain way during my conversation, and the recipient immediately knew what I was thinking about. He even voiced it out, to my utter surprise! Maybe he thinks the same way too... oh we are so neurotic. It surprised me because I always thought that you had to know the person for a long time, really... to understand one's soul. On the fast-track perhaps.

Weeks pass by really fast, it's the 39th week of the year. Sometimes I have some inklings to do things but don't get around to doing them, and day after day is filled with other activities that it's pushed, to the back of my mind, that I forget about it and only remember when I'm in bed and it's dark and ... no more energy to do anything, just want to rest. Quite tired this week, and I'm perturbed when commitments clash or I'm late 'cuz I cannot balance my schedule. Still learning, still adjusting. =)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Impossible is nothing

Lately, I've been repeating this phrase to myself. I think it's a good phrase, especially during these times when I have to face so many challenges. But never mind, Rachel loves challenges. Sometimes disappointment in life is necessary? I believe for me, it helps me to treasure the things I have. And it is fun, looking for the silver lining in every gray cloud. Without those disappointments, I would never know how much my friends care for me, or what is my 'adversity quotient', how weak a character I have, or what are the areas I should avoid.

Meeting so many people gives me an insight into human behavior - I still don't understand... why some people have such mindsets, why some are much more easygoing, have less hang-ups in life, and are generally more successful. Maybe one day, I'll find out the answer and relate it in a book or something. It's messy, human relationships, especially when there is love, or material gain involved, the conniving and selfish side of human nature starts to take over and peace is abandoned. Trying to hone my listening skills, to walk around slowly, and learn more from the people around me.

For me, in the past and as well as now, I want to forge relationships based on a genuine and sincere interest in the person as a friend, not for any commercial gain or side motivation. It's hard to convey that, when you are in a sales job; but I guess I have to prove my sincerity. For now it's still the 'tryout' stage, pretty happy using different tactics and motivational approaches to get to see what moves the cheese. It's fun fun fun and I do like it here. Still very very optimistic now.... probably 'cuz I also have high expectations, of what miracles God can do this time round. the more difficult it is, the more my faith level increases, because the reality of the matter then, will blow my mind.

Had a good time showing Sheepy and Shiner my office today... they complimented it. I'm blessed to be here. Shiner said it had an open, relaxed setting...which I totally agree. Find it serene and not pent-up tension in the air like most offices. It's good to do work in a place you love. Later, went to have a simple dinner and coffee. We're supposed to be adults now, it seems childhood is far, far, away. Hee... last friday Jelly and I had fun playing with Shiner's stuff, hiding his present in his bag, trying to slip his handphone in his pocket! Tonight, we will try to quietly slip his birthday card under his he wakes up to being 24, hope that he finds it soon? It's a cutesy pop-up card which I think he would really be pleased with. Happy birthday... may all your dreams come true!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

In memory of the old wooden bench.

'I love you with your disguise,
you proven me love is blind;
there are no answer I tire;
2 stop the tears from my eyes.'

Anonymous, (sic). Copied from the graffiti on a table at a void deck, sg. 2005.

Remember the bench, the one we used to sit at; and the closeness that we shared, making the small space a little smaller with the inclusion of our bags - yours, a backpack; mine, a small one. Through the nights, we shared our expectations of life; our idealistic and materialistic desires, the funny, horrific, and endearing experiences that we've learnt through our meanders. We talked about the people we knew in church; the ones we liked, the ones we thought could do with some improvement in their social skills. Remember the time when I was afflicted with the dengue and shrank in size, and looked haggard because of the constant surges of pain. I just wanted some time spent, in silence; because even thinking what I wanted to say would drain the last vestiges of my energy. Already exhausted walking to the bench, but I hid the pain from you, when you were dissatisfied with my company.

Sometimes, taking a different path back home, I will walk past that bench. And inevitably, I would imagine the empty bench to be filled with your presence and mine, two of us nestled comfortably on the cold wood, and the wave of sentimentalism would hit me, as I realised that this memory, like the rest, would be relegated into the storehouses of nostalgia, and perhaps, in the near future, forgotten, as easily as it came.

Remember the bench? The bench is gone now. Replaced by some upgrading of the town, the bench has disappeared. And in its place, an insipid beige table, tiled with the same motif as the flooring. Two cement, tiled, benches flank it.

I sat there today and saw this poem. Probably, written by some uneducated student who did poorly in his studies of the language. How nice it was to have this person write an ode to the memories that was there, as if he knew.

Replacing my memories, with newer thoughts, I marvel at the inability to forget.

Thousand miles yet uncovered

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

- Ancient proverb, Chinese origin.

Learning to stay positive. Its trying, too many concerns boggling up, and issues where I felt was really bad mis-management in general that got many people uptight and frustrated, me included. Already emotionally drained since the past week, I really wondered how I survived this week without banging my head against the wall, literally, or wounding some unfortunate soul. Still must say that I cannot handle my feelings that well yet, perhaps I do not deem it as that important. Some of my sheep called my almost everyday to share their frustrations too. It's terribly hard to be encouraging when you don't feel too good yourself. Many times I wanted to tel them to get a grip on themselves, my issues are bigger, more serious, much more sensitive... It has really been tough on me, but on the other hand I'm glad that they chose to share with me their concerns, and that by listening, I can provide a positive influence on their lives.

Still, ministering angels are around to encourage me. The people I interacted with, shared unhesitatingly about what God is doing in their lives, even those whom I'm really not close with and have not interacted with before. They put a smile on my face by their sincere faith in God, and I believe this week I have been touched, by many. Won't forget the prayer on the escalator to the Esplanade; the sincere offer that I can call, anytime, I need to talk. The kind words and prayers, so many. I needed those. I'm so tired.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Before falling asleep I think of a hundred things.
Some gruesome, some gentle, some so weird it cannot be classified into any category.
Some moments of reminicising seem so poignant when the darkness falls and the wind with the smell of the rain, blows past the window into my room.
I huddle, snugly tucked in between the sheets, with my toes peeking out.
Wondering about the way I feel, about things that I need to resolve.
Not thought about it for some time now, the daily activities has kept me happily busy.
But certain things I once felt, has resurfaced.
I cannot walk past you and not acknowledge your existence.
Just wanted to understand what cannot be comprehended.
What do things mean to you, now, and does it even matter.
Moving on is great, but there is a part of me that needs to remember.
This is my history and you are a part of it. Admit it was a mistake, and live, free.
I do not want excuses, I do not want valid reasons.
Just thought that it would be nice if we could meet for tea.
Wanted to hear from you, how have you been, what have you been doing.
The response is as always, 'I'm busy'.
It might have been, I never want to see you again, or, leave me alone, the result is the same.
Immune already to these reactions, I struggle to understand your psyche.

I'm already free. I've moved on now. I like someone, you know?
I have a job. It's a wonderful place. My life has changed. I'm going places, meeting new faces.
You seem oblivious to the day and toil on, late at night.
I just wanted to meet for tea.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Come and make, my heart, Your home

God always speaks to me in amazing ways, through people, through songs, through daily activities. It's been a tough week for me generally; emotionally so drained because of all the conflicting feelings - happy and stressed at the same time, worrying, but knowing God wil provide, just not knowing when, and how... There is a testimony in the making; if God-willing, actually two testimonies. Being now in this 'valley' though is not a nice feeling at all. I prayed/lamented to God, Psalms 121 verse 1, it went something like I look up to the hills for help, where does my help comes from? Where. Where. Where. I need to know, and I need to know it quickly, argh!

And during service one line in the worship song just 'jumped' out at me:
"For Your love, is higher than the heavens...." It is as if God is tapping me on the shoulder and saying gently, Heyyy... Remember that I love you...I see your heart, your desire for things to happen.

In times like these I'm glad to say that I'm never alone. The prayers mean so much to me, when I know friends are keeping me in their hearts. Just sobbed when I heard the children sing worship songs to God - Serving in the 4-6year old group, these kids are really intelligent yet still having the innocent faith. They just sang out loud at the top of their lungs. I thought my singing was already pretty loud, but their voices (and there were not many of them) drowned me out. Listening to this kids made me realise how faith works - I think, their faith is stronger than mine, for the very least, that they believe every word they are singing. And singing it with gusto, with a firm belief that is so lacking, when we grow up.

And Hansel, this really handsome, naughty, active, charming boy... kissed my hand quite a few times. I think I fell in love with him. Oh yes, I kissed him back too. On the cheek. The childlike gesture to show that he likes me touched me so much. Almost felt like doing it to Shiner too, but I'm sure he would be too amused.

I'm still so emotionally drained; probably I've never felt like this or encountered such a situation before - something that I really really want to see happening, the door is open right in front of me, but it's such a tiring journey just to get there. I do wish things could be easier, but at the same time I know that I'll really treasure it when the journey is more difficult. I do like challenges, but I'm afraid emotional ones do not bode well for my mental faculties. Trying not to sigh is already challenging enough. Needing support in the form of prayer for now, I'm thankful for the few people that will rally around me. Keep me in your heart. Whatever the outcome, I will worship Him, with abandon.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

I look to the hills for help...

Je soulèverai vers le haut mes yeux aux montagnes, d'où mon aide doit-elle venir ?

...and I am getting very, very stressed.

Still, I'm keeping a song in my heart. That, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. How can I stretch my faith? How can I know what is best? How. Who. Why when where what... arh.

I'm happy when I'm busy. Even when complaining that I am busy, this gives me a sort of perverse satisfaction. When I'm busy I don't eat - actually, not that there's no time, just no mood and I don't feel hungry anyways. Which is good, I can survive on little primary-school type biscuits that come in transparent plastic wrappers, little round coins with a yellow one- on top and a brown one below. Realised the reason for the myriad of emotions, it's due to me being on multitask mode, thinking about a million things, work, ministry, people, schedules, dreams, finances, future plans, prayer, reflections, things not yet done, etc all rolled into one big, overlapping, ginormous train of thought that never stops. Heck even before the alarm rings my happily overworked mind is choosing to start the engine before the body warms up. I can actually pray in a subconscious state - aha! That needs a high level. It's either due to the fact that internally I am super stressed, or that I am super holy. Well, the former is true anyways. I need lessons in 'how to hope' when hope is frail... it's time to kill... But there can be miracles, when Rachel believes. For now, I am still positive and I can actually feel some people praying for me, it 'floats' me now. But when reality seems bleak I really don't know how I can hope. Hope is futile, it is a dream, a lavish emotion, wasted on something that is or might be going to take place, but whether it does; is not dependent on hope, but the extenuating circumstances. Hope is the only thing that sustains a positive mindset, for now.

And now I am hoping for two things to come to pass, not just one. For a dream fulfilled. For needs to be met, urgently. For 2 miracles to happen, and then it's testimony time. I'll pray like I've never prayed before, this really stretches my imagination! =)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Hope for a good thing to happen; and about liking someone

It's the heart afraid of breaking,
that never learns to dance.

It's the dream- afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,

And the soul afraid of dying,
that never learns to live.

-Bette Midler, The Rose

I told Sheepy yesterday over sms, "It's a matter of choosing whether or not to like someone; and in doing so, making it a part of your destiny."

Wished he understood that in a way that I wanted him, and everyone else, to. To understand that many things in life is futile; that hearts can be broken -but in naivete, mended, again. Being open to others does not lower your standing, you gain, from the other's openness too. Enigmatically I open myself up, only to those, who are open,too. So they perceive me as being open but, they are the open ones as well. It feels good to have a buddy share with you things they do not share with others, it makes me feel special that they have chosen, for this moment in time, to just share a little about themselves.

And for those I like, I remember. Every little thing. It's a part of my subconscious that wants to be playing a role, however unimportant, in their lives. That makes me want to hear, and hearing, seek to understand the person behind the facade, the mind beyond the visuals, to understand ... the soul of the person. Hopefully, someone will want to understand me in this same way too, that the way I think would be as intriguing to him as to me, because we share a dream, for ourselves, for our future...I hope, not because it is a dreamy, idealistic thing to do... but because it is necessary for me, for my dreams, to survive.

I need finances. I know it is a testing of faith for me.... a real stretching of it for these few months! I see possibilities, yes, and I believe all will work out. But for now, it's the time of just gingerly stepping into the waters, and letting God lead from there. I've just been allocated a slot for December's Aceh trip. I have no clue how to raise the $600 before this weekend, to go. It would be awfully devastating for me should the chance pass me by, just because of the financing issue. I need an answer for this, quickly... For now, I'm still in hope. Going to pray, for a miracle. =)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Now what?

I wonder if men are like that, too. 'Cuz I feel a myriad of emotions. And I'm supposed to be a thinker. Unfortunately for me, realised my thinking cap has flown away to the lost worlds these days. Can't handle the overwhelming emotions that is just sweeping over me. Probably due to the fact that I've made 2 conclusions in the last 2 weeks or so. Me, I like to generate a thousand possibilities of exciting things happening... so when I conclude, it's like, ok. What's next? And perhaps that would be slightly depressing for me.

I cannot help but wonder why things happen the way they should. I'm not complaining, but life seems so different two, five, eight, months ago. Friends come and go so quickly. The global village that has made communication so much easier, also eats into our friendships. It becomes a sort of mutitasking.. even on the phone, when it was a privilege before, it is now viewed as another time-consuming activity. Even for me, I chat and manage to eat a meal, watch tv, read a book, prepare agendas, etc. I've displaced the energy it takes to build common bonds into trying to save time, and it doesn't really save much.

Yes, I am frustrated. And idiotically I don't know the reason why.

Or maybe I know why but I am not facing up to it.

Maybe if I sleep more it will all go away. Tell me not to worry. It's impossible. I'm not the 'worrier' sort, but sometimes when I think of the gravity of the situation, it befuddles me and I am lost, lost in the wonderful world of burdensome thoughts, things that I forget to do just pops up in my subconscious state as woefully punishing dreams, the tone of voice which I use changes into a subdued tone and I wish that for one instant, I could be someone else, not me. And it's hard to tell anyone that, you want to change just because change is good not because you don't like yourself, not because you are constantly dissatisfied with things. Or that you can't make any sense of the way the economy works or the way the world revolves, at least in your small little utopia, things aren't as rosy as it should be seen.


I cannot pray for God to take away my emotions, 'cuz I don't want to be a robot.

Robotic Artificial Calculation and Hazardous Exploration Lifeform

Hahaha... couldn't resist that!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

At the AHM

Being at the AHM last Sunday was a fun experience for me. After 'attending' runs, I begin to understand why running is exhilarating for these guys! Yet, I don't suppose I can ever run the distance - 21 km... Not even 12 km. Just watching all the people managing to complete the run and whizz past the finish And I noticed a few couples (which means the girl can run really fast) running hand-in-hand. Told Gee that if I was there, the guy had to drag me instead of ... hand-in-hand, haha! It was fun documenting my journey and taking photos.

There was one photo that Gee helped 3 strangers to take - ironically, they looked like what I imagined my 3 guys to be in 20 plus years' time. I cannot imagine in AHM 2025, they are still running, and I am still taking photos. What will be all be like then? Am I even here, in Singapore? And how would the 'route' change, in the future...? I'm sure lots.

I think it was a thrill 'cuz it was my first time spectatoring at the AHM and I had company so it wasn't a long wait at all, in fact I hardly waited... We were supposed to wait at the monument- cenotaph, but feeling restless and wanting to see the runners running, we walked to the start line at the Esplanade bridge - it was still dark, a rare sight to see the roads undecorated with cars and the runners past the One Fullerton, and then we boarded the coach for 'supporters of the race at SRC... Which took us to ECP and Fort Road and the places, to see them running... We were the only two people in the bus which made us feel so much like VIPs on that day! Saw interesting heaps of white cups which was once filled with gatorade, drank and thrown by the runners alongside the various points. The bus took us back to the finish line near the Padang and by then, the first guy had already came in! Managed to see the second womens' veteran and the rest... So interesting that the Minister of Defence took part too. =)

It was a good way to spend a Sunday morning, just soaking in the atmosphere. Gee and me agreed that in the future, if ever, our spouses were runners, we would definitely go down to support them. Toting our babies and all. Hee... Sheepy was telling me not to be there so early, I could go down later at a not so unearthly hour, but I indignantly replied that if I wanted to support, I'd support all the way. From the Start line, to the finish. Managed to see all of them go past the Finish line, and snapped them too. Except Jelly, 'cuz I was running after Shiner... Had a great photo of Sheepy running to the Finish! A lanky, orange, blur which looked so nice! At least to the photographer. And the best shot of Sheepy offering me ice cream. It was impromptu- and posed. Next up, making collages, my new favorite pasttime. I was beaming inside when I saw that Shiner put up the photos as his desktop wallpaper.

I want to go to the biathlon next... =)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Inside the cab at 5:50am, near YCK road
AHM 2005

On the CTE to Esplanade
AHM 2005

In the dead of the night
AHM 2005

Artistic shot aye
AHM 2005

The 'before' photo
AHM 2005

Up the Esplanade bridge
AHM 2005

Flag past the starting point
AHM 2005

Nice back
AHM 2005

It's a long way to the finish line
AHM 2005

Some artistic shot whizzing by the road
AHM 2005

A glimpse of the runners at ECP
AHM 2005

6:49 am and on the road
AHM 2005

Imagine, this is what they will look like in 20 years'...
AHM 2005

The beautiful sign, against the cityscape
AHM 2005

Drenched and happy
AHM 2005

Spot YH as he crosses the finish line!
AHM 2005

A lanky silhouette
AHM 2005

Time for a tete-a-tete after the 21km...
AHM 2005

2 weeks ago, JL's hair was shorter...KX's hair was longer...YH's hair as beautiful as always
AHM 2005

The ice cream seller...The bread? The cone? Or the one in orange...
AHM 2005

I got what I wanted!
AHM 2005

The feet of a runner... observe...
AHM 2005

AHM 2005

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Beyond age, beyond color, beyond conditions

I seem to know, or to make friends with people from all walks of life. And only recently I've realised that this is not the norm for most people - they, make friends with people like their own kind. Of course, collegiates definitely have more friends in the category of a similar education level as them, as their path of education defines the social circle they create for themselves unwittingly. But few dare to venture into other social circles - why not, for friendster states that 'every other person is connected to each other by only 6 levels of separation'.

It's not ever possible to define how much of our lives we create. Some choices, we make. Others are deemed by circumstances or by genetics - how athletically inclined we are, defined by predisposed bone structure and body mass. How intelligent depends on how young our mothers were when they were with us, and how our forebears fared in the SATs of their time, and a smooth entry into the world, not being preemies, not having any defects in the time of our creation. Yet, those of us elite, being more capable than others, tend to look down on those we deem as more inferior than us. It's always the handsome hunk that turns out to be a scumbag because the way the world views beauty as superior(thus giving him the ability to misuse it) - then, he can blame it on the times in which he is born in, too. It's how we treat those below our level, those incapable of helping themselves, that shows our character, isn't it? I cannot imagine that if I looked like those petite, helpless girls with big, pleading eyes, how would people look upon me.

I've distinctly felt people treat me very differently when they think I am just another- diploma graduate; compared to when they realise I do have a slightly above average degree at my age. Then, I can see the change in their eyes, almost as if I'm being promoted to a higher social level in their horizon. (That is why I often neglect to tell people about my education unless they probe, haha) I don't know what contributes to this change of attitude, perhaps the realisation that I am better educated than them, thus above their league, or maybe they respect me more 'cuz I am thus perceived to be more intelligent now that I am degree-educated. I do not believe their motivation for the change in attitude is superficial, more likely it stems from what we have been ingrained to believe, that smarter is better, intelligence is highly regarded. I always blow their mind when I say that I do not mind an O' level grad. as a potential better half. It's sort of hilarious to see their disbelieving looks - I guess mainly to the notion that O'level grads now are far and few between, but I do know of a few, some that could make good husbands despite the 'gap' in education. If I only had an O-level education, people would not laugh at me, for aiming to get someone degree educatied, for that is supposed to be good...Then, should I look down on myself for being lowly educated? Of course I believe too that everyone can excel beyond his limitations and everyone should be as highly educated as possible, but that is another matter in itself.

I still have a lot to learn in this area, of accepting beyond social norms, accepting people in cell, to see beyond color, beyond culture. Kie shared to me what Heng said, that his love(for a woman) transcends beyond age and beyond color. For Kie, he cannot accept that. Maybe we are all narrow minded. Help me to see people the way they ought to be seen.

Every time I meet Markos I get introspective, not least because we are instrinsically different from each other. Polar opposites. and we get along so well. (Then the constant clashings with Travis is strange 'cuz we are opposites, too.) I may be wrong, but his life seems to be planned out for him the moment he was born. Never having to struggle much, always steady, a secure life and a stable family, born with extremely good mental faculties, well-to-do, low-profile, generally well-liked by everyone. I can't say for sure this kind of life does not appeal to me, yet I'm 'not-the-type' to relish it. I might change my mind, 'cuz it hasn't been made, yet. Just as well that my life is generally unpredictable.

I hope that when I am older, I will be someone that people look up to, not because of my education, or the income I bring in, or the ministry level I am at, or the way my life has been so far. I just hope they respect me for me. And I will try, each time I meet someone new, not to find out about their education paths, or how many medals they have won, or how high their IQ is, or how many credit cards they have(haha!) or ... all those many superficial things, but just to find out about them, and try to understand the person they are, social norms aside. Away with the 6 levels, I only want one.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Words; and a new song...

It's definitely so much more meaningful to wake up to a day that's occupied with happy things like meeting people, learning more about new stuff, going different places(preferably mostly air-conditioned), and just feeling that you matter, to someone.

I would just love it when people tell me that I've just 'made their day', or when they sincerely thank me for something I did not expect gratitude for, or cannot remember doing. I'm grateful for their support, when I'm feeling low as I was, this past week (job-hunting woes) and a lady's predisposed moodiness took over me, I'm happy for my friends' concern. Only lately realised how Kie has been my 'emotional support', 'my right hand man' in so many ways that I'm ashamed to admit I sometimes underestimate his talents and underutilize them, ministry-wise. Melted a little when he told me he is praying for me and sms-ed me a verse(Phil 4:6)... then, Shiner too(Luke 18:7 and Psalms 37:3-4)... Debster too... everyone is soooo encouraging!

John C. Maxwell said this and I echo it too, everyone needs encouragement in their lives, and for sometime now I guess, I don't seem to be getting enough encouragement. Not that I desperately long for it, but some support would be nice. Shiner said something insightful, when I muttered this to hi, he said that the people around me don't know what to encourage me about. 'Cuz I do portray an unshakeable positive attitude? Or I just seem to have no worries? Hmmm. It set me thinking quite a bit. I think I shall share more of my concerns with others around me. I tend to share only the excited, happy things, true. That's 'cuz this season I'm excited and happy with so many things to anticipate! But I could use some encouragement, or a pass-it-on card.

While I still have some time left, I shall write nice long letters to everyone.... love writing... love singing too... but it would be too weird to sing odes to the folks I know.

Writing a new song...New song being completed soon. Working title being 'Unseen Hand'... creepy eh, like 'Corpse Bride'(which no one is keen to watch with me) Eh, 2 progress... this is a really slow pace for songwriting for me... Think it's mediocre, but good, considering I have not written for so long. Been wondering what sparked this in me again. While compiling my digital music, was opening all my old CD-Rs, have so many of them for schoolwork previously. I found one with the documents of some of the old songs I forgot I wrote, yay! (I mean I remember writing them, but I cannot remember the entire song/composition.) Kept playing them. And whoo hoo! Beamer-my-rich-brother went to Comex, now I've got a wireless mouse and Prodikeys DM to play with. If I can figure out how it works!

Monday, September 05, 2005


"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."- Helen Keller

Simply titled, Shiner.

Much like his namesake, he never fails to lift up my spirits. That's why I like to see him so often, he reminds me of how I should take things easy, view life's obstacles optimistically. He believes it won't rain; though the weather forecast says it will. And somehow I just find myself wanting to believe it, too. And when I'm talking to him, I become more animated, I laugh more, I notice more positive things. This is one guy that everyone wants to introduce girls too! (Next up: Kie's sister!) I'm overly protective of that, though...him being so innocent, 'never-been-kissed'...and I will feel a tinge of sadness definitely, 'releasing' him after my unextreme makeover is fufilled.

In this friendship, I will not forget being at the bus stops for obscene amounts of time waiting forever for the bus to come, but at the same time, gaining an insight into each other's perspectives as we communicate our thoughts and chatter away merrily like schoolkids, poking fun and screaming hysterics at each other.

I have to say that it's the geographical location that brings us together, in this friendship... Sudden feelings of acute loneliness when Shiner moved to hall and the reality of travelling alone...well, sucks pretty bad. It's always like that, certain things that change, that cannot be helped, and you are left wondering what actually happened that made it like this, when there was, just a minor alteration to schedules that caught you unaware. Sure, we still meet pretty often- and I do depend on him for some support, it's always more fun with him around, in birthday bashes and 'running outings', which we had a few, recently.

I do hope this friendship lasts, that it can last beyond years. I hope that is an achievable objective.

Before I forget, I will remember these dear memories:

Everytime after service, anxiously waiting for the bus to take us home, and then, (because of the dark, ulu locale which I stay at), he will tell me to sms him when I'm back...And when I don't, sometimes forgetting, he will sms me to confirm I'm not spirited away. That's just so sincere and thoughtful...I'm confident that if I don't reply, he will send search parties for me... I appreciate it so so much.

The times I'm exasperated with him for being 'brur brur', for not being initiating enough, for just being a punching bag 'cuz I get irritated for no valid reasons with people and I'd just launch into an attack for several minutes... He just takes it in his stride and instead of reacting, shows concern for my situation, or agrees with me that he is stupid...I just melt and relent and ... tell myself to be not so mean, until the next time...

His enthusiasm which encourages me so much, his interested responses in my small happy smses about the usually happy things that happens(sometimes sad, can't help it), makes me look out for interesting things in my life, too...And I do feel that he is supporting me in looking for such!

The incident where I was really upset about work and about Izac and he just offered to meet me, even though it was late and there was nothing I could do about it... I remembered that, we were sitting at a badminton playing area... I just wanted some emotional support I guess. Not very close then also, but felt that he was someone trustworthy I could talk to.

And, him encouraging me to get to know someone better, setting me up, encouraging me to see Mr X's good points, Mr Y's striking features, Mr Z's blah blah... although my matchmaking attempts for him were not so successful, I'm sure there will be many more opportunities hee.

And the way he always try to pay for my bus fare, food, drink, snack...even though he is not rich, still like this...woo! I want to hug him! I didn't take it for granted! I noticed... =) and it's so endearing!

And he changed his phone plan to free incoming for me... I know, not 'especially' for me, but I did generate a $100+ bill last month, lucky he didn't ask me to pay half, haha! I think the smses too...costs a bomb. Even Jelly thinks I'm constantly on the phone with Shiner. Which is...not really true la, it's because lately we seldom meet, but still need the same amount of quality time, so tend to talk more and also because I want to hear about his activities but I always end up chirping again...

He thinks he is not handsome, because he says he is too thin... hey but in my worldview, he's tops! Where else can you find such a wonderful individual...with a really solid character too. He always says he is not intelligent because he only has a poly dip... but he is working his way to a teaching degree...and intelligence is not measured by how many degrees you get, or how high is your least to me. He always says he doesn't like being so quiet, 'too quiet' and too shy...But his sunshine smile and sporty nature endears him to many, and his listening skills is that of an excellent leader. A really humble guy... who does not hesitate to sincerely tell me I'm pretty and intelligent in one sentence without sounding contrived or flattering, that is just the way he is.

I imagine it must have been hard for him, growing up... he has never uttered a word about his childhood or his past experiences, which must be really difficult; but instead of resigning himself to it, or to just be a mediocre individual, these experiences has built his character and really shaped him, to be someone I respect. He never asks for anything in return, but just does things willingly and happily. I salute Shiner, for being a friend to me, for being who he is. Someone that brings out the best in me and adds a dose of badly needed sunshine into my life!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Now, I can 'lomo' my digitally enhanced shots...