Monday, November 12, 2007

...a cute guy asked me today what I'd like for Christmas...
story below.

Been in and out of being sick these days.

Today I woke up and immediately ran to the toilet sink to puke. Was too nauseous. The nausea is back - hate it, makes me miserable.

I also have stiff fingers. I think I have been clenching my fingers together when I sleep, although I can't actually tell. Just wake up with stiff digits especially the last 3.

And the Panadol cold relief makes some people sleepless. Ya, I'm one of them. Darn... ... I've not taken paracetamol in 7 years or more, not even when I have headaches (I take Diazepam for headaches!) so, imagine how bad it gets when I finally succumb to taking paracetamol.

And it doesn't work. I think it just prolongs the symptoms, you feel better after a while and then sick again. Like it gives you adrenalin for a day then takes it back. I just want to get well... I also have a sinking feeling that I'm getting sick because of the Benzyl Benzoate - I still have scabies so I apply it at night, can't stand the itch. Then I sleep with my hands near my face, so probably am inhaling the substance all night long. I have hired prayer buddies.

Talked to Zero today, told him about my Christmas plans.
To get out of my depression I actually set myself agendas to do at home until Christmas, so I will keep myself busy and not think when I have nothing to do. The downside is that I will have nothing to do after Christmas (and nobody wants to go on a trip then.) Well I guess I am being too ambituous, the things I plan to make is very time consuming. I think one night I can only make two items, that is not looking good... I also plan to bake cookies, lamingtons, shortbread, and fudge-cookie-shortbread-bailey ice cream! (Using Sister Fang's microwave and my secret fudge recipe...) I think all the things I want to make is uber time consuming. Maybe I should take out my yogurt-machine and beer distillation micro home brewery too? (In my storeroom.) My house has amazing stuff. Sister Fang wanted to buy an electric whisk and I realised I have one!

By the way, some privileged people in the cell will have fantastic presents cuz I've already finished making, the rest, it will have to depend on my mood... and the resources I have left.

Anyways Zero was quite sweet. He sings to get rid of the pain. (Me, too.) But he doesn't realise that singing to me brings the pain to me. Or maybe I have to release it on his behalf. I only sing to my Jesus in the shower, ho ho. And cry too. Lately the tears are back. Not such a good sign. Oh yah, but the sweet part is not his singing to me (although that would be sweet if I am in love with him, but nooooo...)

The sweet part, is that he asked me what I wanted for Christmas ...after I told him that a guy kneel down in front of me on Saturday heh heh....

Sidetrack: I went downstairs last Saturday buying food and there was a bunch of neighborhood bengs... like 16, 17 yr old... When I came back, walked past them, the whole group turned to stare at me... wassay! Never see neighbor buy food before isit?! Then, after 5 seconds or so, one guy sing to my back view : You're waaaaay too beautiful girl...That hit song, never bluff. So on last Saturday got guy kneel down and guy serenade me... HOO! WEE!)

The sweet part... Ok ok I know I very long winded, but must prolong the sweet part, like in korean drama... And he is definitely cute, or at least that is what many young girls think... So, he tenderly asked me, what do I want for Christmas and mumble to himself that he'll try to get it, if not too expensive, he will get me ANYTHING I WANT! (Wah... Ya he really exists so eat your hearts out!)

...So in a very serious tone I answered: "Zero. Actually, there is only one thing I want for Christmas..."

Zero, still mumbling to himself, that he is very simple, don't like surprises but will get me whatever I like, etc etc... suddenly also become serious and say, "What is it?"

"Well... I only want... YOU."

I am also so sweet right! Well, I think my answer really knock him off the bus chair, he a bit speechless for a while... which gave me the chance to continue,... 'wrap yourself and post to my house, with black bow tie...'

He said that he is priceless and he could not afford it, so I have to think of another present... ...

Too bad, we are not lovers, if not, it would be a sweet story not a funny one.
Anyways, I haven't really thought about what I want for Christmas.
I think I'd like very much for Christmas... for God to honor the prayer I prayed 3 years ago. If it was true and till today, there is a chance to redeem myself. I don't want to walk in the valley anymore. =)

Zero promised me we'll have a good Christmas this year as we had horrid ones last year. We both broke up around that time, sob sob...

...all I want for Christmas...

PS: More about the guy who knelt down in front of me, next episode... next saturday he has to do it again. But he seems to enjoy it...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Top travel!!!

I know, I am a travel-to-many-places kinda person. I don't like to go in groups though. Prefer a twosome or solo.

I've always thought about the places I want to go, and so, I present my top #8 (Wanted 10 but can only think of 8, lah) places in the world I'd like to go very very much before I die. And the things I wanna see there...

In random order:

1. Paris, France. To take a photo of the Eiffel Tower.
Zero was surprised when during a phone conversation, I guessed his IDEAL honeymoon destination RIGHT, spot on, the first guess.

Well, guess mine? Heh heh. Though, I must say, isn't it strange that we have the same taste? Maybe we'll see each other there one day, no? 'Cuz I'm sure not going there together with him... *puke*

Anyway this is a typical place that most people want to go to (on their honeymoon)
But for me, I'd rather go to a simple nearby place and have sex on the beach all night long (What, this is not a rated "PG" blog ya) and then on the 1st year anniversary, go to a further place, preferably whilst snowing... ... See Future Husband, I plan le~ Oh! And we can try nice french food like escargots and foie gras and... caviar! You know, some people just don't like those high-class food... but I like ALL! I am meant to be high class man. (Oh, sorry, I think caviar from Russia...)

2. Honshu, Tokyo, Japan. To climb Mount Fuji.
I studied art and one of my favorite pieces of work was the landscape prints by Hokusai and Hiroshige, Japan's leading artists in the Edo period if I'm not wrong. Really inspired by their bold usage of ... ya, very boring already right.

I want to climb Mount Fuji if physically possible. And see the view from the top.

3. Kanchanaburi, Thailand-Myanmmar border. To cross the River Kwai.

The Death Railway and bridge plays a monumental part in Asia's history as many people died building it... blah blah. I just want to cross the bridge la!

Will plan to go there, hopefully next year. Thinking of a solo trip up the jungle and etc of Thailand's northern provinces. It will give me great pleasure to sing... "I've crossed the River Kwai..."

4. Jukkasjarvi, Lappland, Sweden. To stay in the Ice Hotel

The ice hotel near the village of Jukkasjärvi, Kiruna, Sweden was the world's first ice hotel. Since its creation, the hotel has been featured in many television travel programmes, magazines, and newspapers. The entire hotel is made completely out of ice blocks taken from the Torne River - even the glasses in the bar are made of ice. The hotel has more than 80 rooms and suites, a bar, reception area and church. It charges around 1,400 Swedish Krona (approx. 196 US dollars) per person/room/night in the winter. The hotel only exists between December and April. In its latest incarnation it will probably be over 5000 square metres (53,700 square feet) in size. Each room is unique and the architecture of the hotel is changed each year, as it is rebuilt from scratch. - Wikipedia

Aye, if I save up I think I can afford one night, no?
This is the Ice Hotel featured on one of James Bond's films and I always thought it was cool to stay in a place made entirely out of ice though it might be better to have a partner around to warm up those icy nights eh? heh heh. Hamsup.

5. Kalmar, Sweden. To go into Kalmar Castle.

Actually any castle will do, just thought that this photo is so breathtaking. I think there are more than 100 castles in Sweden, according to Wikipedia's list, so I must visit a few when in Sweden.

Also to go Sweden for the Northern Lights - aurora borealis. I think I will die happy seeing them.

6. Penang, Malaysia. To eat Penang Laksa

Ya, definitely wanting to go Penang soon. Don't look down on our neighbor ok, they have places that remind me of the charm Singapore used to have, so I want to try all the authentic food like Penang Laksa, Chao guo Tiao, Carrot cake, kopi, teh tarik and see what's the difference. I have a discerning palate so I must try and come back and tell you guys whether same, anot. I love Malaysia too much for the average Singaporean. Keep going there...

7. Vanuatu. To...suntan...Port Vila

A pacific island near New Caledonia (next destination) and I've heard of a boutique hotel there. Very interesting place. unlike New Caledonia (Uses franc as its owned by France) ...and I heard many rich Singaporeans (like me, whahaa) eh, open bank accounts there - de Royal Bank o Vanuatu as it's safe and also good for money laundering, oh yes, an open secret only the rich people will know, ya...

This place made popular by the television show "Survivor- Vanuatu" but I've wanted to go there long before that, oh yes, it's also the "Happiest place on the planet to live", I guess everyone is happy there, isn't that like paradise on earth? Must go and see, la. (Singapore is #131, what an unhappy bunch we are)

Most people are Christians although there are some tribal cults.
Oh, I met a guy who told me he came from Vanuatu and he looks like Superman, and he told me he works without his shirt on (at the boutique hotel I think his family owns the development) so when I am there, I will see if it's true... ...

8. Noumea, New Caledonia to learn French

I don't even know a place like New Caledonia exists until I met a guy - white, French-speaking who lived there and told me exciting and wonderful tales about his country - like those Gulliver Travels - children's book, that I must go see for myself. Fortunately he happens to be one of the 3 guides on the island...

New Caledonia[3] (French: Nouvelle-Calédonie; popular names: Kanaky, Le caillou), is a "sui generis collectivity" (in practice an overseas territory) of France, made up of a main island (Grande Terre), the Loyalty Islands, and several smaller islands. It is located in the region of Melanesia in the southwest Pacific. At about half the size of Taiwan, it has a land area of 18,575.5 square kilometres (7,172 sq mi). The population was 240,400 inhabitants as of January 2007 official estimates.[1] It has an Internet country code top-level domain (ccTLD) of .nc. The capital and largest city of the territory is Nouméa. The currency is the CFP franc. -Wikipedia

I am going Bali!!! Soon, though I worry too much about the money. Sigh.
I also want to revisit Australia. I remember one of the islands off Melb, can see penguins.
King Penguins on Macquarie Island, Aust.

So, any sponsors?
I also want to revisit Hong Kong. There's an unexplainable magic about that place.

And what are the places in the world you wanna go to?

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Today, and a few months backward

Short, random story. This is how I write when my thinker self kicks in and introspectively psychologizes my world. The intellectuals will like this piece. The rest won't understand. It doesn't really end in anything. Maybe next time a better one.


I like you older. Because although older does not equate to better, like the way men would liken themselves to a bottle of fine, aged wine, older means that we have had more time spent together. Finding out about things, in that relentless journey called Life.

I sometimes wonder what has happened to us, Zero.


I have always tried to live my Life as free as possible, detaching myself from all the protocol. All the rules and regulations, all the unneeded and unnecessary clutter that makes our life just impossible to live out, to have time for ourselves, and the ones we cherish the most. Because when I get older I don’t want to look back and lament the time spent doing up reports, attending countless meetings when I could be out spending a day in the sun. Maybe not everyone thinks like me, and I’m glad for that, because we do need people like them to maintain the systems, but I’ve always longed to meet someone who lives like me, happy for the system and living peaceably in it, yet wanting to live another way, as free from systems as possible. I’m not those who want to speak out or repeal the existing system, I’m actually glad for it. And a part of me wanted someone to chide me, someone stronger, to tell me what to do, to guide me when I’m living on the edge, or living in two different worlds – That’s how it seems to me at times. Increasingly it is becoming difficult to live this way, and while some fall out after sometime, most adapt to the system till it becomes ingrained in themselves, until they become the system and the system becomes them. And the system has no need for anomalies like me, so until it spots me, I will be low-profile, not wanting a ripple effect, just wanting to be happy. Actually wanting everyone to be happy, but some people do not see happiness as a desire for their lives, so.


And when we grow up, we realize that we see relationships in a different way. I just wanted to give. Like you. But you also realize that you want to claim something back. Maybe after all this is over, to claim a part of yourself, back. Having given it away, you are longer fully yourself, I am no longer fully me. In a scary way it is like something inside you has died, and maybe, it was supposed to happen to me. God wanted it to happen, God doesn’t make mistakes. When you pray and ask God who’s the best one for you, because you do not want to make a wrong decision for the rest of your life, and God answers your prayer, as HE ALWAYS DOES, and you decide there and then, "Not God’s will, but my will be done.”

And years later you wonder if you’ve blown it and all those meaningless times you spent sharing intimately with another person counts for nothing. Because in choosing to live free, you inevitably blow up the system. It’s like being environmentally friendly because everyone around you is, and you don’t want to spend the extra cash on wasting the environment without really meaning to be friendly, just wanting to do so for a materialistic or selfish reason. It’s like being a cell leader with low morals so that you can survive in this world – not for material gain, but because you really have big dreams and you want to be successful one day; but you enjoy the low-morals-situation so much that you wonder if everything you’ve ever done for Christ is a façade, and that slipping into another life just seems so easy, so easy… … And sometimes you think, living simply and happily; living and dying in a Hdb flat and taking public transport every day isn’t so bad after all, compared to what lies ahead.


When you realize that truth is relative – or perhaps you have known it all along, in the system, that the system is only a guide to life that must be taken with a pinch of salt, because you’ve done things that in another system would have brought you death in a pigs’ cage, but in these times it becomes accepted without a blink of an eye – and horribly, you realize that you do not feel guilt for those thoughts, or those actions, just a mere disappointment, when the system tells you to drown in your sorrows – the way the old system should be. Now the new one tells you to drown your sorrows and it’s a scary thing when you don’t drink that much but you can name every beer available in the island and the countries they come from.


And after many moons you realize why you feel the way you do. It’s not about her always blaming you every day, that the phrase ‘it’s your fault’ rings in your ears every day until you either vow to slap the next girl who says that to you, or you stoically endure until you really believe it is.

I’m not afraid of my feelings. I used to be, because from an early age, I saw how people suffered from it. Not only people but animals, societies, and … everything. How you can be changed by a book. How you can be changed by a kiss, or the sight of your beloved. How the SPCA has so many unwanted pets not because of a single night of passion but because someone had strong feelings that dissipated shortly after. But I would rather embrace my feelings than hide them, because I know that God is trying to tell me something. It’s all about obedience and trust, isn’t it. I’ve seen many lives play out their sad stories before me, and when I have the chance to decide what I want for my own, I hope I can make a better one. A better decision comes with time, and experience. To know what lies in your heart. And that it why I’m not afraid of my feelings.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Skiiri, 7 month old bunny. With Scabies on ear and body so not allowed to roam free range out of cage. Sob... the owner also has it...

northern lights

It just started snowing in Norway last week.
Soon, the Northern Lights will appear.
I want to go see. Badly.
Maybe next year when I've stashed up enough...

Brought Skiiri to the vet today. I've been going to the vet every Monday for a month. Feel happy to see the receptionist, somehow seems like a familiar face now. His name is Sam and he is lanky and fair with nice glasses. Facing him for hours while waiting for my pet, I start to wonder about him. Like what is an intelligent -looking guy like him being a receptionist... does he love animals? Or is he a temporary staff... etc. And he somehow looks like Sheepy. A younger and spectacled version...

Thank God my job allows me to take Monday mornings off or I will be at my wits end... And thank God the vet is within walking distance. Next time, a prerequisite for buying a home. I already envisioned, after I am married, I will have pets maybe a small dog but not those irritating ones, if my other half likes. Definitely not goldfish urgh. I knew the EX was not the one for me when I spotted the goldfish...7 or 8... in his bedroom. No sharing my bedroom with glassy eyed fishes and no sharing with dogs or cats or bunnies either. And no birds. I don't like birds. Yech. Though there was one time I brought home an injured sparrow... ...Skiiri, you must live a long life and scabies-free, because to me you represent a new life, too. Pets are significant in an owner's life, especially the seasons they represent and I always thought guys who kept pets (not fish or birds) were more interesting, and responsible, somehow. Oh, it's quite funny when the vet calls for the 'patient', they call by the animal name (They always can't pronounce mine, so they call MY NAME instead)... Imagine, the doc's assistant coming out of the room, and calling: "Silky!" Hilarious.

And Skiiri still has the dreaded scabies. Sigh. I still have it too. Itch. Two more rounds of injections... which is gonna blow a hole in my overdraft. Who said bunnies were low maintenance? Maybe short haired wild ones... but not long-haired sweet ones like mine. Roar!

And I'm not a dog person... or at least, I only like some dogs... so why do dogs like me? A guy's dog (Tess, shih tzu) sitting next to me at the vet came over TO SIT NEXT TO ME and put his head on my lap... What he trying to do, matchmake us? Lol. Then my bunny will shiver. Anyways had a nice chat with the fellow. But he has a Pekingnese too, and that dog irkkkks me!!! Lol. I prefer Sam-the-receptionist (Ok, I'm just kidding) but he seems nonchalant at our having a conversation. I seem to attract dogs, Fangy's Jack Russell and Maltese also like to follow me around and listen to me... ... But I guess I know why. Why? Why?...

Because I smell like rabbit.

And in my long convalscence at home, I like to hug Skiiri. Spending time with animals sometimes beats human company.

Friday, November 02, 2007

October. It's been a really long month.

I am glad, in a sense that October is over. It's been a long month and I wished it was over before it even began. I get this feeling that someone else - not me - is living my life, staying in my space, breathing my air. That someone else is living my life, not me.

I take hours to make even the simplest decisions like where to go to buy something, when should I run some errands... In all the years that you've known me, I guess I've never been like this before. Even in my 'pre-quarter-life crisis' - it was bad, but not as bad as this. Although I am still hopeful for the future, our future, the future of my cell and my career and my life, I don't know where I'm headed. I've never been one to look back. But I can't help being enveloped in the memories that are still, too raw. I am upset, because it is beyond my comprehension what has been said to me. I am angry, too...I have never been an angry person, but now I fear that I can never get rid of the anger within. I feel scared everyday, when months ago, throughout my entire life, I have never been scared of anything, save the occassional wasp flying by. I feel scared by the slightest thing. I feel scared sleeping. I feel scared waking up and facing each day, not knowing if the day would be 'good', or not. And then I feel scared making the decisions I have to make each day. What time to go to work. Who to call. Where to go. WHY? I cry out, sometimes in tears, sometimes wordless, about my situation. I am not thinking too much. I cannot help feeling sad - and worse, feeling sad for no reason. Or perhaps only my subconcious knows the reason, and I cannot express it by words anyhow. People try to help me in well-meaning but useless ways. "Snap out of it... stop thinking about it." But they can't help me, and I can't help myself either. And I just get worse and worse, reading and rereading what has been worded to me. Where a friendship is supposed to be a place of support, now there is only angry words and tears. I know my actions must have hurt, but I thought we were strong. I didn't expect this outcome. I didn't expect to be so emotionally affected that now I fear I will never be the same again. A part of me has died. And I wander aimlessly, from place to place, looking at them in shades of gray, because to me now, every scene is tinged with sadness, every sunset a memory of what has passed. There is a part of everyone that is sentimental, and wants to hold on to nice memories, because without such nice things in life to cherish, life becomes impossible to live.