pleased

Feeling oh-so-pleased with myself because I've finished making and writing the christmas cards. Also made it from all recycled products, leftover craft materials from past projects (except the white pen).

Been out to town recently to catch up with friends and am appalled at the manners of those from the grandmotherland (Since our mothers did not come from there it can hardly be called 'motherland'....) Was dining at a restaurant eating 'xiaolongbao' and 'zhajiangmein' and a lady rudely shouted across the railings to ask us what we are eating. We were quite taken aback. And I thought such food were like commoners' food in the grandmotherland? She should be familiar with it. So anyway after I replied, still politely, in English of course, she huffed away saying' Oh, so you can't speak the 'national' language (guo yu).' So rude!

I would not be mentioning this if the same thing with another china-accent lady happened! While I was buying some gifts - I put them on the counter first and went off to look at other stuff. When I came back the lady in front of me in the queue was fingering my items... nevermind, I was still okay about that. She just turned to me and also said quite rudely, 'What is this?', holding my stuff! Once again, taken aback. For us we would at least add an excuse me or a shy smile but she talked to me as if I were a lowly creature, in fact, I feel sorry for the SA who have to serve these customers. Anyway I don't know how to explain it in Mandarin and if I spoke English I was sure it would be a waste of my good intentions, so, I just said in my most British accented English, 'Sorry?' and she huffed away and demanded to know what I was buying from the cashier. All in the same week... I really can't believe it. It is a really unpleasant experience to encounter such characters especially when you just want to run your errands and get out of the hullabaloo that is downtown!

I got myself an early christmas present...One thing I love shopping at Tangs is that you can earn points to redeem discounts on items you want to buy. Since I always need to top up my makeup and skincare essentials there and sometimes shoes, it makes sense to get my stuff there. Plus after this haircolor change, I don't seem to suit any of my lipstick shades. So this Chanel lipstick, original price $40... After deducting points its like $10? Such a savvy shopper *pats self on back. The shade is Tasmania and it goes on lightly, such a nice shade, almost coral. More motivated to put on lipstick everyday now. Also bought Tom Robbin's 'Still Life with Woodpecker' at Kinokuniya (hence the necessary trip to downtown.) I'm liking his quotes recently so shall read his works.

A christmas story part 3

And he began his story.

For over two hours I was rooted to the spot, spellbound by his life story. Leaving behind, all he had, for love? Stable-looking, solidly built Uncle Frank was so adventourous, so...spirited? It seemed unbelieveable. Would I have the courage to do that...I mused to myself. Then again, being here in oh-so-safe Singapore, I don't think I'd ever have the chance. Some political journalist once said that he was amazed that the streets of Singapore were so safe, yet there wasn't a single policeman in sight to be seen. He wrote, albeit sardonically, that we Singaporeans have the policemen, in our hearts. All of us are, 'internally policed'. And I guess that was true for me as well. Oh, the days of my youth. I cringe now to think at my thoughts 3 years ago, though it ain't exactly THAT long ago.

Who knew, that after Uncle Frank's story, I would take the leap of faith to find, and to write the chapters of my own love story.

Who knew, that in 2009, I would marry Natalia, a lady who had so much love for others, yet only knowing her father's love for most of her life. That Christmas day, three years ago, I finally knew why Mom and Dad always looked at Uncle Frank with sentimental glances when he mentioned his wife. And why he never married anyone else again. I never knew that Mom had lost a sister when Uncle Frank lost his wife. And the pain that they all felt, bonded them together in a strange family unit. It was Dad who rescued Uncle Frank from an almost-suicidal state after losing his wife. Mom never mentioned her name. I found out that her sister, Uncle Frank's wife, was called Catherine. She did not die after Natalia's birth as I had previously thought, but almost one year later, the christmas after. It was auto-immune thyroiditis which became full-blown Graves' disease which developed due to a complication post-partum. Uncle Frank wondered at her rapid weight loss shortly after Natalia was born, then, as she started to lose more, he because worried. This disease is still prevalent now, though with the advances made in medical science with Interferon, it is wholly treatable. Then, though, there was imminent death for the sufferers of the full-blown disease. She survived till Christmas, to see the first snowfall, then... it was too cold. Just too cold.

Uncle Frank's story changed my life the way other people are changed by people. You could say I was changed by love, an enduring love, a love that dared to break the boundaries across nations, a love that has the courage to remain strong, for his only child.

Natalia inherited her Dad's talents of reading and writing, and that three years ago, Uncle Frank brought with him a christmas card she made, and what she wrote to me piqued my curiosity for her type of vocation. One year later, I packed my bags and used my medic expertise to the fullest, helping to rebuild the tsunami-devastated villages in Banda Aceh, where one quarter of the whole population died. We spent one month there, one month of hardship though it was the sweetest month I've ever experienced, being in her tantalising presence each day. I could not leave her side after that. And now? Well, you see...

Although her cooking is not as good as her words, I still eat the burnt brownies, and the overtly solid turkey this year. I smiled at Uncle Frank, seated opposite me. Marriage was on the cards and we plan for a spring wedding, next year.

I forgot, to mention, this tradition that we had every year for years since Uncle Frank came to visit. There was always an empty chair next to Uncle Frank, which we took as a time-honored tradition. Now I knew the meaning of the empty chair. The chair stood for the comfort of the presence God brought to Uncle Frank's life, when Catherine was gone. The chair stood for the hope that each Christmas brings, that we can still find something to be thankful for, despite the pain, despite the ache in the heart and the almost unendureable depression it comes with. The chair represented that somehow, faith means, that God was with you, He still is.

And me? I'm going to love her, forever. 'Love me or die!' I shouted aloud to Natalia as she brought out a yet another tray of brownies that smelt too smoky to be eaten...

(the end!)

This story is dedicated to Chester, an old friend who introduced me to the world of Classics, starting with Wuthering Heights.

A christmas story part 2

I could remember being young, too, Frank thought to himself. Was it really, so long ago?

Uttering a soft sigh to himself, Frank picked up the books from Borders which he wanted to buy for the family. Chester was a voracious reader and read virtually anything, from Leo Tolstoy epics to classics like Wuthering Heights. Frank smiled to himself as he perused the shelf of classics. Coral was also a book lover, but during those young adult years when they knew each other, she read mostly self-help books like the Dale Carnegies' type of literature. It was Chester who introduced her to the world of classics and after Dorian Gray, Persuasion, and Les Miserables, she was hooked.

Frank knew that they fell in love with each other after discussing the merits of the passionate love between Heathcliff and Catherine, and, seeing the sparks that light up their eyes each time they debated about love, and life issues, Frank couldn't help but smile to himself and thought how perfectly matched they were to each other. He found a book for Christopher, some cookbooks for Coral, and the latest bestseller listings for Chester; and as he stood by the wrapping counter, he made a mental note to call Natalia and wish her happy birthday, later. Natalia, Natalia. His sweet and kind daughter who chose a life of servtitude.

Already she was becoming quite well-known for her work in the peace corps during the 2006 East Timor crisis, and later, in the rebuilding works around the independent nation. It was a cruel time, thought Frank to himself. His fellow countrymen, killing each other over some political issue he would not and could not understand. Thousands of people, displaced because of land issues. Because of people who would not listen to sensibility, and take lives just like that - and recruit boys, some younger than Christopher, into the national army, and teach them how to fight.

He was worried that the next generation, people like Natalia and Christopher, would not know peace, a peace that he had, in the Green Apple Village, just the both of them living in their own little bubble.

But he knew that he could not change the way things were going to happen in this world, the same way he could not change himself. He had not expected that the pain of missing her would still strike his heart so deeply, that watching the rainfall over the Christmas lights at Orchard would still make him ache for her presence, for her cold hands - her small hands were always cold - and holding them just made him feel like wanting to light a fire for them and take away the cold that was there.

He rememebered that she had always wanted him to be happy, that she loved him for his cheerfulness, that his ability to make her laugh uproariously was one of the most important reasons she married him. They both had the ability to let go of their worries and look at each other, and laugh; thankful that no matter what happened, they still had each other. And that was enough, wasn't it...

==

Uncle Frank seemed in a pensive mood this evening, so after the Christmas dinner which I wolfed down most of the turkey, I found myself asking after Natalia. Was he worried that she was away, and perhaps, in a dangerous situation? It was customary for us to take a walk around the driveway and end up sitting in the backyard with some wine to celebrate the birth of Christ. Christopher. Mom told me Dad and her had decided to name me Christ's follower, and also because their names started with 'c'. Uncle Frank once told me to be glad Mom did not name me Heathcliff, though I'm not sure why she liked THAT name. I'm sure if I had a kid I'd name him after Frank, one day.

Uncle Frank just shook his head and smiled, benignly and told me Natalia was safe. He did not address my concern for her like the rest of the chaps would, if I enquired after a girl, but just motioned for us to sit down. And he began his story.

(To be continued)

It's only this year after so many years that I begin to be thankful for Kie's perpetual presence. If only... I had treasured it more before, then perhaps I would be more thankful for this season and the seasons past. Also, I still miss Captain Zero, although now, it's no longer that strong. Perhaps I will be the one to forget. If only we can all keep our memories close to our hearts.

Each time I write, I feel better, releasing the little moments that only people associated with the memories can understand. The only guy I had a soul connection with, all those years ago, I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I realise that I would have had a very different life right now if we were together. Maybe somewhere in the Green Apple village or in Jakarta. I love your country and I told God I wanna be somewhere there, although ironically, you seem to be content working and living in Sg. I've been to Aceh and Bali and next stop hopefully Timor-Leste. But anyways, it's not meant to be, we were not meant to be, we were, too young.

In a part, these writings have been the essay of my life, and writing them, and knowing that they are read, and comprehended by people who - also understand, makes me happy.

A christmas story

In tune with the season...

The arrival of Uncle Frank meant that, to me, Christmas, was here.

Uncle Frank was my godfather; and the stories he told to me was something I looked forward to hear, eagerly; when I was younger. The past few years however, he had to settle for talking to my parents, because I was always busy at Christmas.

Busy with girlfriends, busy with work, busy shopping, just too busy… Perhaps I just couldn’t find the time to listen, anymore. But this year, I was going to. Listen to Uncle Frank. Although we could only meet once a year, his life seems to have impacted me more than I could possibly imagine. I’ve heard my parents talk about the events of his life in hushed tones. It seems like Uncle Frank and Mom lived close by back then, when he still resided in Singapore. Although I’ve always wondered about how Dad could stand Mom being close to Uncle Frank, their friendship seemed entrenched on the grains of time. Myself? I’m a guy-kinda guy, favorite pastime hanging out with the gang - not like Dad who seems like a ladies’ man. Until now, he still can charm the socks of any girl. I’ve heard that in the past, Dad was droolingly handsome. Ah well, I can see where I’ve gotten my good looks from!

This year, I could see that Uncle Frank was getting older. His eyebags seemed that much more wrinkly than the last time I could remember, and the jowls on his face seemed more saggier. Horrors. He has a daughter, around my age – and for one period of time, I believed Dad and Uncle Frank fervently tried to engineer something between us. We were always friends, respectful to each other and acquaintances of a sort – but somehow, I could never connect with her and have that kind of soul-communication Mom and Dad had.

Of course, we were both too young at that point of time – I’m still not in the right frame of mind to pursue a long-lasting relationship, and there were hordes of girls to choose from at school, anyways. Later, I heard that she chose to go into social work and serve under a Women’s Association, helping underprivileged female orphans. Of course, that’s exactly what she would do. At that time, I despised Natalia for making that choice. Uncle Frank wasn’t exactly rich and social work doesn’t exactly pay. Being Uncle Frank’s only kin, she was putting him in a difficult position, or so I thought. No one asked you to put yourself through this torture, so why do so?
Later, I realized that Uncle Frank was proud of her choices, and now, after meeting so many materialistic, shallow girls who don’t seem to give a hoot about your heart, I realized that Natalia is really a true gem. Hmm, I wonder how she is now?

This year, Uncle Frank finally told me the story he said he would, when it was my 25th birthday. It was strange how Natalia and I were born so close to each other. And what he told me, I could never forget. It’s one of those stories you could make into a movie, you know.

==

He was finally going home.
Back to the Green Apple Village, 330km northwest from Jakarta. The plane was landing in a few minutes and it seems that he was always so far away, from her.
In the past, he always missed her for Christmas. It seemed as though cruel fate decided that they could never celebrate any festive holiday together, while they were dating. Each Valentines’, he had to be away from her because it coincided with the Lunar New Year holidays; and leaving for home at this time meant that he would have missed her birthday, too. She always said that she didn’t mind, that she understood he had to go and be with his family, but he could see in her eyes that she wished she could be by his side.

In the Green Apple Village you could see snow and that was what he loved most about the place. Their ancestral home, a sprawling mansion in the centre of the city near the Singapore Embassy was something he could just live in, but not really feel at ease, at home. He remembered walking past the Embassy all the time as a young boy, and wondering what’s it like on the other side. Now, he was on the other side, and somehow, not knowing how he got there, he was there.

Who would have thought how it would all turn out, that his parents would have turned him out, because he chose her, he chose love – they both chose love over rationality, over practicality – it was the days of the 70s where free will, peace, and love was the mantra of the days.

And later, having no money of their own, but deliriously happy with each other; she went with him to live in the village – this village. Ironically, he had to go back to Singapore to work, and it seemed that the work practically took over his life. Although it was not difficult to make a living in Singapore, he always missed her so, so much that each day was unbearable. He always counted down the days to Christmas, when their office would shut down on the Eve, and reopen again in January.

Each time he made the journey back, she had dressed up, wearing the earrings he had given her on their first anniversary, cooking his favorite ayam goreng, and sambal vegetable leaves. She would always say the same thing in halting words, when she opened the door to him - words that were not of her mother tongue, words she learnt because she loved him.

“Frank, bagaimana mempunyai anda ialah?
Saya sudah sangat merindukan anda, cintaku.”

I miss you too, I miss you too… Frank whispered in his heart.
He was always too overwhelmed for words to say anything back in return, just hold her close to him and feel her warmth emanating, embracing him and time stood still. He knew he would have to be gone again all too soon, and hated that, hated himself, hated everything for turning out this way. He missed her too, he missed her so much.

Later, Christmas time – the time he looked forward to all year round, was too painful for him to continue staying in the Green Apple Village.

Coming back to the Village made him remember too many things, almost as if he could feel his heart splitting in two.

Losing her meant he could never love another, again.

Again, he had nowhere else in the country to go. Being in boarding schools for most of his life, he could never call Jakarta his home. So he always found himself going back to the place where he spent most of his life in, Singapore. Although the Singapore of today was much changed, he still found solace in his old friends, especially with Chester and Coral. Talking to their son, Christopher, had warmed up his heart, because Chris was so much like him. Young, raring to go, and always full of energy, and a perfect match for Natalia. Although they were still too young to think of something more serious.

I could remember being young, too, Frank thought to himself. Was it really, so long ago?

(to be continued)

I'll be home for Christmas

Am privileged to see snow this year january, in Japan, for the first time in my life I saw snow! All the more privileged because it wasn't supposed to snow then. This is from the tatami guesthouse at Lake Kawaguchi. Mt Fuji's supposed to be in the backdrop but due to the heavy snow flurries, we couldn't see it from the window. Still, a pictureseque sight, no?

I feel happy drawing smiley faces on Christmas cookies... quite flattered when Clone's husband thought the cookies are from Famous Amos. Hee... it's nice to provide food like my usual yearly marshmallows... somehow spending hours cooking chocolately stuff just makes me feel so happy.

Mr BestFriend is overseas.

He says he'll be home for christmas. *soft sigh*

Although how much of that time I can actually spend with him, remains to be seen.

It's strange how my brain, the memory storage outlet, can remember certain things more vividly than others. I remembered last year at the same time on friday, we were supposed to meet, and go to church for the special presentation, but he couldn't make it due to the high-profile work, so we went on saturday instead, the saturday which was exactly one year ago.

And this year, LIKE last year, he also asked me... "Rach, what do you want for christmas?" *happy that he asked* Which I said the same thing as last year too http://spiritedly3.blogspot.com/2007_11_01_archive.html , haha, couldn't resist hearing his response and imagining what his expression would be like!! (We were on the phone.)

Maybe here, I should explain why this friendship means so much to me. During certain points of times in your lives, you make friends that will be around for a lifetime. Maybe on and off you guys cease to meet, but each time you find the time to meet up, you both pick up from where you've left off. And... you know that they are the kind of people you want in your life. Always concerned enough to meet you late at night for supper or pray with you on the phone until you are soothed, etc... You know they'll won't miss your wedding for the world, you'll know you want them to be at the hospital to witness the birth of your child, sans makeup; and they'll always compliment your cooking, always check to see if you're alright, always be there.

Because of all the bad decisions and emotional downturns I've been through just the past year, I was reluctant to again share my life with other guys I did not know, knowing that deep down inside, those kinda guys are only around for a seasonal period, and then after they have departed, you find that you can't really remember them or even recall why were you so close to them in the first place. Right.

But because we have experienced similar yet different stuff at the same time, we found that we could comprehend and begin to make sense of what happened, and moving forward.

I know that some people find it difficult to encourage others, IE, how can I encourage others in relationship-matters when mine has also recently failed? How can I encourage someone in my work when mine seems to be going downhill/nowhere...etc. So truly I am doubly, triply more touched that MrBestFriend put his own needs aside and just talked to me on the phone even at times when I couldn't talk. At first, I was reticent to accept him in my life again. We were close about 5 years ago, but we both knew the reasons why we just had to drift apart. And now, I was fearing the same thing, one day we would drift apart for basically the same reasons. Some might call it the same mistake, but it is in different contexts... ... But because of his sincerity and devotion to our renewed friendship, I was bowled over, and I can truly happily say I'm glad that he self-called himself my best friend, because, he really is.

So when we don't get to meet recently I am cranky and frustrated... it's like missing a star team player. It's nice to know he misses me, too. But it's even more nice to know if in the future things can be like they were last year! The economy seems to drive people apart. I don't want to live in a place where people are all living so close to each other but we never seem able to meet. I hope it's only temporary. I hate the irony... that only when something is taken away from you, then you wonder if you had done your best by him, that you have been worthy, that you regretted complaining about his irritating parts, and now he's not here all those little irritations seem inconsequential and it becomes a distant memory? I'm brutally honest and MrBestFriend knows that he does, irritate me at times, especially when he keeps harping on topics which is just not in my interest. Although now, I'd be willingly to listen to him talk, about anything...

I made a christmas wish. I wished that, I could just spend one day with him. I would be happy if this christmas wish comes true.

it's december

It's december.
Too
many
memories
this month,
last year.

When
hope
is futile
we tend to dwell on past events
when we were happier
when life was better
when we believed love was lasting
and
the christmas decorations
(along orchard road)
were not so hideous, too...

...a cute guy asked me today what I'd like for Christmas...
story below.


Been in and out of being sick these days.

Today I woke up and immediately ran to the toilet sink to puke. Was too nauseous. The nausea is back - hate it, makes me miserable.

I also have stiff fingers. I think I have been clenching my fingers together when I sleep, although I can't actually tell. Just wake up with stiff digits especially the last 3.

And the Panadol cold relief makes some people sleepless. Ya, I'm one of them. Darn... ... I've not taken paracetamol in 7 years or more, not even when I have headaches (I take Diazepam for headaches!) so, imagine how bad it gets when I finally succumb to taking paracetamol.

And it doesn't work. I think it just prolongs the symptoms, you feel better after a while and then sick again. Like it gives you adrenalin for a day then takes it back. I just want to get well... I also have a sinking feeling that I'm getting sick because of the Benzyl Benzoate - I still have scabies so I apply it at night, can't stand the itch. Then I sleep with my hands near my face, so probably am inhaling the substance all night long. I have hired prayer buddies.

Talked to Zero today, told him about my Christmas plans.
To get out of my depression I actually set myself agendas to do at home until Christmas, so I will keep myself busy and not think when I have nothing to do. The downside is that I will have nothing to do after Christmas (and nobody wants to go on a trip then.) Well I guess I am being too ambituous, the things I plan to make is very time consuming. I think one night I can only make two items, that is not looking good... I also plan to bake cookies, lamingtons, shortbread, and fudge-cookie-shortbread-bailey ice cream! (Using Sister Fang's microwave and my secret fudge recipe...) I think all the things I want to make is uber time consuming. Maybe I should take out my yogurt-machine and beer distillation micro home brewery too? (In my storeroom.) My house has amazing stuff. Sister Fang wanted to buy an electric whisk and I realised I have one!

By the way, some privileged people in the cell will have fantastic presents cuz I've already finished making, the rest, it will have to depend on my mood... and the resources I have left.

Anyways Zero was quite sweet. He sings to get rid of the pain. (Me, too.) But he doesn't realise that singing to me brings the pain to me. Or maybe I have to release it on his behalf. I only sing to my Jesus in the shower, ho ho. And cry too. Lately the tears are back. Not such a good sign. Oh yah, but the sweet part is not his singing to me (although that would be sweet if I am in love with him, but nooooo...)

The sweet part, is that he asked me what I wanted for Christmas ...after I told him that a guy kneel down in front of me on Saturday heh heh....

Sidetrack: I went downstairs last Saturday buying food and there was a bunch of neighborhood bengs... like 16, 17 yr old... When I came back, walked past them, the whole group turned to stare at me... wassay! Never see neighbor buy food before isit?! Then, after 5 seconds or so, one guy sing to my back view : You're waaaaay too beautiful girl...That hit song, never bluff. So on last Saturday got guy kneel down and guy serenade me... HOO! WEE!)

The sweet part... Ok ok I know I very long winded, but must prolong the sweet part, like in korean drama... And he is definitely cute, or at least that is what many young girls think... So, he tenderly asked me, what do I want for Christmas and mumble to himself that he'll try to get it, if not too expensive, he will get me ANYTHING I WANT! (Wah... Ya he really exists so eat your hearts out!)

...So in a very serious tone I answered: "Zero. Actually, there is only one thing I want for Christmas..."

Zero, still mumbling to himself, that he is very simple, don't like surprises but will get me whatever I like, etc etc... suddenly also become serious and say, "What is it?"

"Well... I only want... YOU."

I am also so sweet right! Well, I think my answer really knock him off the bus chair, he a bit speechless for a while... which gave me the chance to continue,... 'wrap yourself and post to my house, with black bow tie...'

He said that he is priceless and he could not afford it, so I have to think of another present... ...

Too bad, we are not lovers, if not, it would be a sweet story not a funny one.
Anyways, I haven't really thought about what I want for Christmas.
I think I'd like very much for Christmas... for God to honor the prayer I prayed 3 years ago. If it was true and till today, there is a chance to redeem myself. I don't want to walk in the valley anymore. =)

Zero promised me we'll have a good Christmas this year as we had horrid ones last year. We both broke up around that time, sob sob...

...all I want for Christmas...

PS: More about the guy who knelt down in front of me, next episode... next saturday he has to do it again. But he seems to enjoy it...