Monday, February 28, 2005

Too too deviant

Some things are just-not-talked about; they remain, hanging precariously in the empty spaces of the silences between words, the ambiguity of things assumed and encapsulated within experiences - "I have done it before"...and "it's not the same this time." I could run away, withdraw, halt, terminate... I'm too fatigued to disengage, too old to be petulant, too wilful to subject to regimentalisation (if there is such a word).

Amid the defeatening silences the power of the imagination reigns unequaled.

How do I convince myself to return these dangerous almost exploitative rationalizations back to where it belongs. Hands up if I know what I'm saying. 'Cuz it does not correspond with my thinking, how ironic. Life is full of mystery and I don't want to die because of love.

Oh, how deviant.

(NB: The next entry about the short story 'Roomful Of Love'(Such a cliche title aye), I had it in the works for some time but reluctant to publish it as I had the notion that when I did, I feared the magic mystery and strong emotions I had while writing it would dissipate. It's like I'm sharing a part of my soul.)

Roomful of Love

Short story, copyright mine. Inspired by 'The Prayer of Jabez'-Bruce Wilkinson, 'The nightmare before Christmans'-Tim Burton, and 'Everything is Illuminated'-Jonathan Safran Foer.

To Navi with love.


About 20 mins' walk away from here, there is an old well, forgotten by everyone but some vagrants depending on it for water. These vagrants were once runaways; no one remembers from where - perhaps they were from the Boys' Home Great Escape way back, when we were not even born yet; or they were mere vagabonds, immigrants who could not apply for proper housing. Perhaps they had gotten so used to the outdoor elements that they considered it a form of freedom to be able to stay out in the open; much preferring it to a constrained living quarter.

Long ago, it was whispered among the locals living in terrace houses nearby that the well, and its surrounding land once was the property of an eccentric man, so old and wrinkled-looking, that no one was able to tell how old he was. He owned the land for miles around, including the place where both you and I now live, and some say that his silhouette could be seen, walking in the empty field outside of your room. The vagrants told me that this man was a wizard; some called him an angel sent from heaven, depending on their beliefs. They said he owned special rooms where people in desperation could go to and find everything they wanted. This is true. If you wanted badly to believe it, it will be true for you, too.

Coral pushed open the wide, imposing iron-grilled gate set in black grilles, tentatively peering into the old man's garden. Almost at once, he appeared. He looked so much frailer than she had thought, with his bony arms jutting out of his flapping, loose sleeves. His shirt had tortoiseshell buttons on them.
"Ah, come in, my dear. I know what you have come here for, so please, feel at ease."
Without further conversation he silently led Coral through the spiralling staircases, and upstairs to a huge ballroom, ornately decorated. He murmured, almost inaudibly, "Choose, and let your choice remain, forever."

Coral found herself facing 2 door, the first one had a sign on it, stating "Prestige", the second, "Love". With hesitation, she pushed open 'Love', and reverently stepped in. The room was much smaller that she had expected it to be, slightly bigger than her tiny bedroom - but it was filled from floor- to ceiling- with boxes; sized no bigger than her palm. The old man motioned to her that she could only pick one, grinned a toothless smile, and vanished. Knowing that it could be the most important choice of her life, she meticulously decided on an order in which she could view all the boxes, and thus pick the most fitting one.

The first one she picked up was a pretty red velveted one, bordered with tiny, sparkling diamonds. It was marked "DESIRE". She opened the box and saw a vision of herself, surrounded by the most gorgeous things, things she had always wanted but could not afford it, or thought it was not practical to get. In the vision, she was surrounded by a VW beetle furnished with stereo sound, chocolate fondues, lush allium bouquets, designer shoes that fit with the greatest comfort, vintage furniture, luxury goods. It all felt so good. 'Then again', she thought, 'If I have every thing I love, so easily, I won't be happy.' So she closed the box with a sign and looked around. The next box she picked up, a colorful, fancy package, was marked "IDOLIZE" - it showed her adoring fans showering her with love. She could not live with that forever, no, so she also closed that box and put it aside. Coral peeked at the one marked "Sensational Passion", a box made of the softest, lushest cashmere. She opened it, and the carnal vision she saw of herself and someone else in a tryst made her blush. She snapped it shut and threw it aside.

She sifted through the ribboned boxes marked "Pleasure", "Infatuation", "Devotion", "Intrigue", "Lust" and was about to give up hope that she would ever find something in 'Love' that she could take back with her; when she noticed in between "Time" and "Friendship" there was a small wooden box. This box looked well-worn and had delicate carvings on its lid. It was slightly smaller than the rest of the boxes, that was why she had failed to notice it earlier. It was marked "'TRUST". Curiously, Coral opened it gingerly. It flipped open, and she saw herself looking into the most dazzling eyes of her future beau, and she felt strange butterflies in her tummy, with an elated feeling of rapture as they both said they would always trust, honor, and respect each other, and only tell the truth, as they pledged their love.

Coral realised that this was what she wanted. She did not want to be in love with love, nor always searching for a real meaning of love, nor experimenting with the different dark sides of love. She knew she wanted a place where her yet-innocent world woulf be cherished by someone who loved her, intensely, as she loved him. Holding the box tightly in her hands, she stepped out of the room and into the bright sunshine.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The Other Girl

Short story, copyright mine.

The train ride to the airport was 4 hours' long.
Four-and-a-half - to be exact.
Both of them sat in silence, watching the usual passengers; made up of a few frail elderly gentlemen, students in transit to their music classes; and chattering aunt-figures busy about their activities of housekeeping errands and the purchase of weekly groceries. Three seats away, a baby suddenly gave a high-pitched wail, jolting her into reality for a moment. She unzipped her double-breasted jacket. It was a rather hot day.

She looked inquisitively at him; the familiar face and figure that she had known and loved for so long. With a wave of sentimentalism, she impulsively slipped her hand into the hollow of his arm where his elbow bent at an angle. She squeezed it in assurance, in a way only old lovers do. In response, he smiled ruefully and stroked her gloved hand like one would a small kitten. They were a nondescript couple, he being tall and broadly-built, but unfortunately not blessed with the symmetry of face and form - he was just pleasant, but rather boring to look at. She too, low-profile and seemingly plain, neither statesque nor petite, she could be described as 'average'; someone more remembered for perhaps her intellect and kind nature rather than beauty or poise. The forces that joined them together as a couple were more of the sort of a slow, mutual affection for each other; rather than a passionate, volatile kind. No fanciful romantic declarations of love was exchanged between them in their rather odd courtship; rather, it was the thoughtful acts of kindness and selfless consideration that separated their union from one of a mere casual friendship.

He spoke first, carefully weighing each word and speaking seriously, as he was wont to do.
"Dear... I'm glad to be home at last. It's been a long time."
"Going home, you mean."
He nodded in assent and she knew he was thinking of seeing his parents and sister; the family he missed so much, especially during the bitter winters in Boston. She knew too, that his heart was not with her. She never suspected that someone like him, so insipid, loyal, and faithful - would be capable of doing anything to hurt her in any way. And it was true; he could not. But in those brief months when he was in another's acquaintance, he seemed so much more cheerful. He was by nature melancholy in disposition; but it seemed that the other girl's mere presence could transform him altogether, into a livelier, lighter being. Some creatures possess this marvellous ability of influencing individuals at whim.

Yen too wished that she could find someone who would make her heart pound, someone to sweep her up in his arms and sprinkle magic dust into her ordinary existence. Of course Nick stayed faithful to her. He had neither the propensity nor the capacity to manage both her and the other girl. She never knew the other girl's name, though they sometimes saw each other at extended family gatherings. She knew, through these chance occurences, that the other girl might have developed an emotional attachment to her beau; and similarly, one was developed by him, too. The other girl always smiled politely - too politely - at Yen. Yen admired her sense of independence and spirit; she was cultured and friendly, and even charmed grumpy ladies and men alike; with a toss of her fairy hair and sparkling, captivating smile. There was once, when Yen discovered her looking at Yen, with such a longing, wistful look, that Yen's heart went out to the girl immediately. She wished she could tell the girl "I know", and hug her and reassure her that it would be alright.

Then, as abruptly as the girl had came, she left. Perhaps deliberately, out of their lives she disappeared. Yen heard that through mutual friends she had decided to take up residence in an entirely different environment from theirs, for the moment. Though he said nothing, she observed changes in Nick afterward. He no longer wrote to the girl, nor did they correspond in any way. He became gloomier than ever, using long sighs as respites between silences. She wanted to comfort him and give him the freedom to choose, but she knew the mere question of his fidelty both in body and spirit would send him into a deeper state of moodiness. So she said nothing; and that was two years since. Oftentimes, she still remembered the girl, wondering what kind of life she was leading, whether she was married, or leading an exciting life exploring the seven seas, everywhere she embarked she would charm young and old alike with her witty phrases and delightful voice. Yen knew that this type of girl would not be suitable for their ordinary existence in their world; it would probably stifle and kill her spirit. Yet, she felt a tinge of envy as she imagined sharing a life with this captivating personality; and as Nick as not dissimilar to her, she knew, that he had imagined it, too. She had doubts about their impending union.

Suddenly, she stretched her limbs and clutched her sling bag, thinking rapidly. It was as though something like magic fairy dust came out from nowhere and settled upon her. She could almost detect the scent of fresh marigolds dancing in the breeze, coupled with her mother's famous apple crumble. Perhaps that was the smell of magic, the fragrace of freedom. She knew it was a crazy thing to do, but for once in her life she would be impulsive. They would take the flight as planned; together, from Boston to Singapore. But where his journey ended, she would make plans for a new one.

She knew he would not try to follow.

The train ride to the airport was 4 hours' long.
Four-and-a-half - to be exact.
Finally I am going home - he thought, pensively. He was supposed to be overjoyed, yet with a bittersweet tinge he remembered the happy times spent with his friends and classmates in Boston. He wondered when would he ever see them again. It was always like that, as one gets older, one's friends, the ones that are really treasured leave; one by one, and all that is left is perhaps smiling photographs and stored correspondences. His girlfriend of 5 years who was seated next to him, reassuringly squeezed his arm, as though she could read his thoughts. He smiled benignly, knowing that there would be many changes in his homeland since he first left.

There were still times when he thought of Laura, first a sweet fondness; then - as if guiltily banishing her into the darkest recessess of his mind, stopped; and thought no more. There was a quaint sentimentalism of how he kept imprints of Laura on his life (carefully hoarded away from his girlfriend lest she might misunderstand.) Yes, there were many happy smiley photographs; and there were the memos and cute messages they wrote to each other. He never really thought about discarding them, he felt all along that he would meet her again, after these years, and then she would delightfully exclaim how touching it was that he had still remembered her.

Laura seemed so much like an enigma to him, even in these months when he felt sure that she meant something to him, he could never tell whether she felt the same way for him. She seemed to give so much of herself in every endeavor, every friendship; that each becomes enriching; almost intense. Despite her gaiety there was a deep peace that he could find in her presence, however erratic she seemed she never ceased to have a positive impact on him. He did not know when she left Singapore, but he knew that there was nothing that could stop her from going if she set her heart on it.
It was so like her, he thought. Laura had once told him that she preferred not to say goodbye, no tears; just a well-planned quiet, sudden departure suited her. She lived for happiness and it would probably tear her apart to see anyone sad at her farewell.

He missed her so. It was unwise to compare her with Yen, his girlfriend. They were two unique individuals that had left a huge imprint on his not-very-long life. After all, they were about to be married. And he could not be gladder, having his closest friend as his bride. His parents had insisted on an engagement party the fortnight after their return, and he was happy to oblige. The union of their two families was almost inevitable since the time he asked Yn to be his girlfriend. In fact, both parents were already so close that they met regularly for dinners and such. And Nick did not mind, he actually cherished the idea of both families being close-knit. Yen would be a wonderful wife, submissive and easy-going, she would never have an inkling of the tremulous emotions he had when Laura was around.

Nick sighed contently. He was given to sighs nowadays, one of those long, heaving ones that became a part of his personality. All he wanted was a simple, stable life - and he could see it ahead of him; a successful career that still left time for his family, and other recreational pursuits, two healthly, cute kids...
"Except that... is that what you really want?" Laura had asked him once. Nick thought that no one really knew what they really wanted, it was either something they were taught to want, or influenced by the various reasons to; such as religosity, or Society's constraints. Heck, if he resided in Albania his idea of a simple, stable life would be to live on a farming commune in a well-watered, lush valley. Laura had once told him that he was boring, and he agreed, after some consideration. He had no wish to compete in academia with high-flyers, although his natural intellect gave him far better results than most in his field. He wanted a mediocre life, even though his wealthy family gave him opportunities that would never be possible for one in an average-income family. He smiled ruefully to himself. 'Yea, I am lucky...'

With Yen by his side, faithful and true, he smiled as he looked forward to sharing a lasting union with her. If only Laura... 'No', he shook his head. There was no room in his heart for Laura. Only Yen, now. Perhaps all along, Laura knew she could never ursurp the place Yen had, in his regard. A girl like Laura would not choose to settle down; Nick suspected that she would wreak havoc on his placid, conservative family. Docile, quiet, unassuming Yen suited their tastes better as a suitable prospect for him. He was looking forward to seeing his parents and sister, reunited as a fmaily, finally. It was such a long journey, but soon they would be on the flight to Singapore.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I still need a best friend

It's really tough having my good friends away; the ones that I only tell my secret fears to. It suddenly dawned on me that I have an isolationist policy. Oh well it beats having your innermost thoughts being intentionally spilled out onto the next victim of whoever happens to pick up your call/reply to your sms at the moment. I don't make fair-weather friends, in fact I dispose of them like the wind. Never will I trust those, who only call you when they need you and when you need them they are always busy. Self centred freaks that cannot control their impulses. Some friends are not worth the heartache for. I just don't think it's worth my time, even though Boon tried to reconcile with me (So what if it's CNY...) I just brusquely replied, Hey, don't think it's CNY you can reconcile with me (with a sardonic smile on my face) go and write a reflections paper on all you've done! He slunked away with his tail in his knees... I'm still waiting for him to say sorry to me which he never will. So too bad. It just shows the character of the person which is known to all but himself. Bad memories aside, even though I don't talk about Mr BestFriend doesn't mean I don't care. Or I don't miss him (in a very platonic sense.) Maybe somethings are taking up my time and energy so much that I put him in a small cupboard, neglected for a while... I should be like Deb, she has the old photos of us doing crazy things pasted on her wardrobe side - I was pleasantly surprised by that... and she also kept all the christmas presents that I made through the years (Last year I stopped making them.) Her mum could even recognize me through the photos! So touched.

So when I'm feeling hurt, who do I go to?

It's good to know that my dependence is still on God. Even though sometimes I still need a best friend.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Beautiful Soul

A really nice song that I can relate to at this point of time...


I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Your beautiful soul, yeah

You might need time to think it over
But im just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry
c`mon lets try

By Jesse McCartney on Rick Dees' Weekly Top 40.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

7 days 7 nights love is in the air

Next week I start work. Finally!

Next week I start leading the new cell.

Next week is the lovey-dovey couples' day otherwise known as Valentines'.

Was posed the question, If I was in love, what is the one gift I'd like to receive from the special person?

He had a good answer for it, he said that if you are really in love anything would do 'cuz it would be from the person you like. =) (So it's simple for me: I'd just keep hugging him to make him happy!) For me, it's a simple answer : His heart, of course. Afterall, could chocolates, roses and diamonds bring me happiness if there was no love in it, no heartfelt sentiments to it? It becomes a cheap commemoration of the occasion, a consumeristic effort to push the customers to be interested in a quaint holiday based on profit-making capabilities.

Hmmm. I suddenly realised that my other half would be dead broke at this time. Besides CNY (in future, have to give out angpows), it's my birthday and v-day too. Haha. When things happen they happen all at once! Aye.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

We 're sort of like a 'weekend couple'

Dad's back finally... haven't told Dad about him. I thank God for liberal parents (not overtly-liberal, mind...) that are kind enough to trust my taste and actions. Frankly, I think they couldn't be more than happy after worrying whether I cannot find a guy to my liking... as I'd been single for more than 3 years now. His parents are slightly protective, I'm worried that they won't allow us to be together, I trust though, that everything will work out fine. We had a nice talk till 4 am today... It's one of the best things in life to find someone you can just share your idiosyncrasies with and share emotions without being too emotional, say what's on your mind knowing that it's not in a manipulative manner, but with the best interests of the other person in mind. I'm so glad that I've found him, that he wants me too. Being on the verge of adult-hood but still with a slightly narrow naive thinking, I do wonder at times what is the best approach to take in this course of events. Told him I needed more assurance that it's going to work out. He seems so guarded to me - with the best intentions of guarding my heart as well, but I do need a little more affection. It's been good so far how he managed to express himself verbally - something most Singaporean guys lack, or don't have the guts to do. There's an acute lack of chivalry from local guys these days, but he more than makes up for it... oh, the little charming one... =)

The past failed relationships... they do not 'haunt' me per se, but rather it's a stinging memory of how bad things could turn out without precautions. It's so easy to fall into sin when both are consumed foolishly by intoxicating feelings of love. Yet, perhaps I was too young then, to recognize the alarms, the warning signs, but naively lost my trust and innocence all too soon. We never slept together, my previous boyfriend and I; but we did many things that caused great regret and hurt to one another. When things turn bad, it was really bad. I learn most from personal experiences more than any other; but it was a hard lesson and I hope with all my heart I don't have to learn it all over again.

This time, I'm adamant to start out right, with him.... 'Cause I want it to last. Not seeing him this week is 'killing' me, I think it's because I have the desire to spend some of the last vestiges of my time together with him before I start work. The work-oriented people we are, I fear that we will scarcely make time once the busy-periods set in. And, I realised its possible to miss someone living 4 bus stops away. I'm determined though to focus this time and... ... love selflessly, if it is possible. We will gradually grow closer together, now it's a limited time offer or a once-a week deal... which makes me miss him more!!!!!

We're sort of like a 'weekend couple' - both of us being too busy during the week - He with hostelling activities and studies, me with ministry and work. We only meet friday evenings and sometimes stay late out after saturday services to catch up. That's already very very little time that we spend together. Nic was surprised, he told me, 'If you are together you are supposed to spend more time together you know?' Hmmm... like how much time? Personally I do always wonder why long-distance relationships work(not for me, though!)... could it be perhaps, they have no opportunity to be mad at each other 'cuz every little time spent together is precious. *Sniff* Hurry up and graduate soon, alright? Just 4 more years... haha!

Then again this leads me to wonder if I see my husband everyday does it make us sick of having each other, or do we be thankful for the opportunity? Sometimes humans are like that, I don't understand the psychology of our makeup either. I watched Amazing Race the season finale yesterday and the couple I was rooting for was Adam and Rebecca, the 'underdog' team.... they were constantly bickering and sarcastically shouting at each other, getting really peeved all the time... but at the same time they were encouraging in a sort of irritating reverse psychology way. I liked the fact that they were honest with what they felt in the crunch times and did not blame each other but just hollered it out. In relationships, I guess what everyone wants (fundamentally; in serious ones) is to be loved. And to find in their heart they can possibly love someone else so different from them. Oooooo.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Most loved... kuih bangkit ... and...

The gula melaka kuih bangkits at Bengawan Solo are wonderful this year. Think its my fave 'goodie' of the season. Apart from abalone.

My mum is still spring cleaning, wonder when it will end... This year, I will take the time to absorb my new book (The Purpose Driven Church), and smile gratefully at all the nice relatives who give me some nice red packets to buy some nice things. Unfortunately no one ever asks me whether I'm attached or not, it would be meaningful to say, 'Yes I'm seeing someone' , this year. Perhaps I've the student-look. Perhaps it's because 2 of my 30 plus year old uncles are not married yet (And there's a high chance of them not getting married at all!) Gave him a difficult time when he asked to court me... said he had to ask my pastor for permission first, then I'll tell him my answer. He gulped... and I'm sure he'll blush when facing P Kelv, but "if this small thing can't even do, then how about future obstacles?" (chinese direct translation) I'm sure he's got the tenacity to do it, anyway, on saturday let's see what happens...think I'd be pretty blushy too and go hide in the ladies' or grab my friends' sleeves and huddle behind them... haha... saturday also happens to be my birthday not that I'm looking forward to it... Told myself last year that I won't be celebrating any more birthdays... although Kai pleasantly surprised me with this gigantic chocolate cake. Erm, thankfully my family loves chocolate so at the time of this writing it's half gone now. It was a hassle getting it into my already packed fridge but Mum was ingenious - she dissected it into tupperware-sized chunks, and relegated them to the freezer. Must say it tastes better frozen! So no kuih lapis for me this year, a staple of the season which Mum always finds the excuse to buy (my birthday cake, le...)

Alright... I'm so glad that I did not forget to pray, for him, for us...Prayer changes many things, firstly in the atmosphere and then in reality - Rachel's definition of how it works! Main thing is that, ... it works! I still need assurance that it IS going to work - past hurts and issues do resurface and the only thing I can do is to pray, not to let them affect my feelings and actions now, remembering that we are two sinners at the foot of the cross. I'm really thankful for the way he puts my feelings first before his, and how he supports me through my insecurities. This time round, it is so different from the normal way of loving someone - maybe I'm older now, but it's just a slow-unfolding type, not the heady-volatile type I'm prone too. Let's see how it goes, yea...

Sunday, February 06, 2005

A new vision for a new cell.

"Ask of me, and I will give you the nations for your inheritance, and the ends of the earth for your possession."

Its a new cell.

It's a new vision!

Psalms 2:8 nkjv.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

My new job part one

Normally I make it a rule not to write about my day but more introspective stuff (alas I haven't been utilizing my brain functions as much lately)... but yea friday was an eventful prelude to this weekend.

Went to school to collect my works, was quite proud that they still had it displayed in the display room'... carried the portfolio to my job interview, the job I really want, the one and only one I applied for. I got it! They said they would assess how I did in one of the projects first - aka the apprentice. Not too sure howI'd do, but I'll give it my best shot. Like my title too. Fashion Consultant. And my photo would appear in their website pretty soon... that is, when I find a nice shot of myself. Quite glad that I'll get to start work soon which also means I have a few remaining days to laze at the poolside and the gym, go shopping in the afternoon... yea after two months of doing that, I'm sure I'll miss it dreadfully.

And went to the beach. It was... windy, haha... not too crowded, and we chatted like for hours even reluctantly leaving the place - being chased away by sandflies. I wonder if you spray baygon around the area in a circle, wouild it become an insect-free zone? Or maybe baygon doesn't work in open areas? Next time I'd bring a big mosqito coil... haha...

Thursday, February 03, 2005

40 years and still discussing


Took Ches to see my favorite scuplture by Botero down at the river. (The Singapore River, which other... -_-) He asked me why was it my favorite, couldn't really explain it. Guess I felt an affinity with the fat, muscular pigeon. Went to the beanbag place aka my enclave. (Note to self: Really must stop drinking coffee. Gives me eyebags). I was a chatterbox for the day. Yay! Ches looks the same really, but different too. Aged? Definitely less stressed. Stress and lack of sleep does many different things to lots of people. For us, we just got thinner and sickly-looking. He's not that scrawny now, in fact I think rather... 'beefy'? Sounds so sordid. The 'right' size; sounds better... Just looks more relaxed- and healthy looking. Sort of like how travel matures you, everytime I come back from a trip I sort of look different. And he's been around the seven seas! Showed me his certs, realised that I've got one of the top students of SP on my hands here... Still the same old ches, humbly saying it is truly the grace of God that enabled him to do so well academically. Love that about him.

Well it's been 9 (!!) months since I saw him... He's ...taller, surprisingly. There's still hope for guys my age. =) Was just wondering to myself, thinking that it's rather sad that I don't treasure people only when they are gone/leaving then I start to realise what an important part they play in my life, etc, like Mr BestFriend, only that I take them for granted until our disparate lives ensure that we only meet once or twice a year, despite living less than 1 km away... And hopefully I'll be able to meet Ches more than once, or twice, this year...despite him living across the Johor Straits. Some of my friendships are meant to endure despite the distance, I hope. Perhaps the ones that I want to keep close and treasured. For no good reason except that it's just one of those -'you know', like something that you like very much and can't bear to throw out with the spring cleaning; even though it's old and needs replacement. (That would be my cupboards - old, that is; not that I'm feeling attached to them in ANY sense.)

So, finally finally finally after long months of emails I get to chat with Ches and tell him in 2 hours everything in my life the past 9 months. It was great, seeing the same old sarcastic smirk again and the straightforward replies. And of course 'gloating' to the rest that he only met ME ME ME and no one else. He made me promise not to tell anyone he was here, not to tell MW, nor Roger, nor Ben, nor Kim... that would be 4 people complaining 'why you are here and you never tell me?' Ohhh I feel so privileged. I just fear I'll go tramping down to MW's this weekend and blurt out how exhilarated I am to... oops. Shush.

Promised to visit soon, after CNY... And also promised to name my first dog after him. Hee... That would be 3 years later when he returns and we have reached a quarter-life... Maybe we will meet 40 years from now and finally complete discussing on 'The Purpose Driven Life'. If we're still alive, if we still remember each other, if we remember to discuss it. (Perhaps the book would be a 'classic' by then). Then I can tell my grandchildren : "Just 40 years ago, I was reading this book..."

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

10 things I love about you

Keeping with the spirit of the season -

10. Your pensive look when you are deep in thought and trying to listen to my chatterings.
9. Your half-sleepy half serious tone on the phone late at night
8. The way you always try to pay for everything...(though I won't let you)
7. Sending me to my doorstep even though that means you have to take a cab back home.
6. How you always want to spend quality time with me.
5. Your unbelieving expression when I tell you you are cute.
4. The way you are so defensive and guarded about your inner self, yet reveal it all later.
3. The way you worship God.
2. The way the sides of your eyes crinkle up when you smile.
1. When you say 'I love you' and don't expect me to reciprocate but just declare it sincerely (naively, too)

Thanks for being a part of my life.
For the past month...
For the coming months.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005


My latest topic of research is Antinomianism. It's an interesting topic for me, both on theology- and non-theology grounds. Nic told me he actually studied it in the uni course subjs, the moralistic overview and impact on society and individual in the early centuries. What's so interesting about this topic is that basically the miuse and misunderstanding of grace as defined within the boundaries of Church and Society would lead to a gnostic spiritualism- or libertinism where evil would prevail. Interesting, and I've finished the 2nd cd of Pastor Kong Hee's teachings. I never knew that all countries' judicial systems were based on the Mosaic law actually - the 10 commandments in its basic form. Gives a good premise to share to lawyers and justice reformers about my faith yea...

Antinomianism is the seduction of lawlessness, otherwise known as 'cheap grace'. It's not so much the Calvinist teaching (as widely believed): Once saved, always saved. It's rather the debasement of this teaching into something like Once saved, the grace provided gives you free rein to basically be hedonistic or do what you like, as you always have salvation. This form of grace is in defilement of the law which is embodied by Christ and found in the Bible. 3 forms of Antinomianism include Gnostic Spiritualism, Libertinism and Specific Ethics... Its what I need to know for now, especially with secularism creeping into the church, many people's arguments are not valid as they do not know what and why they are doing things. Like, why they are not watching M18 shows, why they cannot read the Da Vinci Code. I cannot really explain it to them, but I do hope that my convictions are right. I admit that I'm more of a liberal than a conservative, many things that I do might be shocking to some conservatives, but then again it does not bring much discomfort to me. So, whatever floats your boat, aye - and I do not mean it in a condescending nor apathetic manner.