Sunday, July 31, 2005

A weird state of being closer

'Do not forget that the value and interest of life is not so much to do conspicuous things... as to do ordinary things with the perception of their enormous value.'
-Pierre Teilhard De Chardin.

It's hard being a thinker when you can't reconcile your feelings to your thoughts - that in the view of self-expression and genuine emotion, you want to tell someone what you think about how he feels; yet, there isn't and probably never will be 'a suitable time', to 'trash' things out, and the peeved-ness is smothered under a blanket of politeness, albeit insincerely.

Sheepy said something really amazingly contradictory today, once again on the topic of love, as our tenet course draws near: He mentioned how he cliqued well with older girls because of their maturity, yet found some of their thinking more immature as compared to his'. Then he said that to younger people, he would try to talk down to their level (something I would never agree with), to communicate with them effectively. But if the reverse is true, then perhaps the older girls he knew, knew he was younger and more immature, thus talking down to his level which they imagined to be, thus appearing immature to him? He had to concur on that. Kudos to my logicality - but I found it very tiring trying to explain to Shiner and Sheepy my thoughts on deep stuff, although I do treasure meaningful conversations.

Later, while sipping chinese tea and eating a nice sunday brunch of congee and various dim sum(The egg pastries were nice) he asked me: "So, what is THE quality you are looking for (in a potential mate)?" I quietened down my fiery mood (Lack of sleep, so super defensive feel) and replied, that he has to be faithful. Perhaps, being sensitive for once, and seeing that I could be possibly on the verge of tears (no, I wasn't) Sheepy did not make any other interrogations, but left it at that and we moved on to other topics. I think I told them that any unfaithfulness is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship, can't blame the guilty party alone.

I'm glad I have these friends to support me at this point of time - Still ambiguous about Sheepy, he seems to be behaving weirdly these days... ultimately hope that things will be like it was before, although I don't really expect it to. What can I do, I've already presented myself at his door with my time and listening ears, but he didn't seem in the mood to share one-on-one. So many questions, left unanswered as perhaps I'm not really interested in hearing his explanations, given his state of being. I've decided to not interact that much these days, but just perhaps let everyone have some time to themselves. Already am seeing Shiner like 4 days out of 7, Dee asked jokingly, how come we're like Siamese twins? Everyday must talk to each other isit? To which I replied back, 'Nah, alternate days is okay...' All that aside, I'm happy for the fact that I've a buddy, one who will at the very least show evident signs of concern for my well-being. Not to mention, a grocery carrier too! Had a fun time buying some nice, expensive biscuits from Marketplace at Tanglin. Hopefully the bags' worth will last for breakfast this week, I'm a horrible cookie snacker.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Meandering in the secret garden, a place once found

Certain people just need some time spent with them - an undivided, quality attention time; and they will tell you bits and snippets of their life, that, when you leave, you feel as though a part of their souls have been safely deposited with you. And you leave, peaceful in the fact that you part a little bit closer, having a deeper understanding of each other, and of how that friendship came to be.

That is the way it is, with me. And with you too. Or so I thought. Perhaps I was oblivious to the way we did not manage to find our way together, or the times that we clashed, I took it as playful banter. But time and again, I became disappointed as I looked for a time, an opportunity to share my thoughts, but you unseemingly brushed these away, as if they were of no consequence. Felt irritatingly hurt at your insensitive comments which I knew you didn't mean, but saying it out anyways had no positive effects on me.

Then I remembered, that it was not always like this. A few short months ago, you used to only have kind words for me - now, your tongue seems brusque. Previously, all I wanted to do was to spend some time chatting with you, for I loved your wise advice and gentle friendliness. Now, your crappiness irritate me, and I am really affected, although I try to take things easy. But I could never tell you that - nor would you take it, in the right spirit.

I know you're not like me, not the sort that would share life stories with everyone - you're reserved... but, it seems as though, when once, I was part of the elite forces of your soul, now, I'm a guest, restricted to the outer courts of your heart. We did have deep meaningful sharings once. Not too long ago. And in the amount of time you took to open up to me, it seems all is inconsequential now due to the state of your thinking. Perhaps it is subconscious - I'd like to think that you don't even know the changes which surfaced in yourself these past months. Maybe an unforeseen incident triggered off some painful past hurts so you put a wall up again. I'm tired of trying, too.

Why are you so guarded? I thought, I was someone you wanted to share with. Maybe, I'm wrong.

It hurts when I see someone I care about very much driving me away, intentionally or not.
My natural response would be to condemn you as not being worthy of my time or energy, and devote my resources to others. But I cannot forget, the times where you looked out for me, the fact that you are still praying faithfully for me. Let me know you more, I'd certainly cherish it - and our friendship, no matter what.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Brimming in blissful glee

Happy, happy happy!

I think someone must have been praying for me to be filled with joy. And yes, it's a blissful state of being where nothing unhappy touches me and I'm constantly smiling to myself, giggling softly at the things that tickle me, looking at my dear friends and beaming at them... wanting to tell everyone, I'm happy! Haha! I'm not often like this - in fact I'm usually trying to be serious and quite, dark... But yea, now, it's as if something has changed in the inside of me! I'm brimming with joy... Overwhelmed, when I see all the possibilities before me, when I know that God is speaking to me, when I see the wonderful people in my cell, helping others, and growing themselves...

It's infectious and I want to make people smile, too.

Maybe this is how it feels when you have no worries, because yo have submitted everything to God in prayer, and you realised recently that things are going your way. Which is, His way. That you are doing good, more things are in store! And you look forward to it with glimmers of anticipation, knowing that even though things don't work out the way you wanted, you can always be thankful that at least it happened. Vague yes, 'cuz it has yet to happen.

And I can't wait!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Being happy in every lil thing

I realised that being overjoyed lately, in a constant state of gleeful happiness, rubs off people. My cell became a giggly bunch, we laughed and laughed today. Retail assistants I met seemed to want to joke with me and were tremendously helpful for my errands today. That's the way it should be, no worries, putting my trust in God for everything to work out just fine. It's not easy for me to do so - and never was, but for weeks now God has been saying, 'Do not grab and grasp, just trust in Me...' That He will make everything beautiful in His Time.

Had a really good conversation today till 3am. Reminiscent of those campus days where Time was of no consequence (if you didn't have morning class), and I could just yakk away for hours and go to bed really tired, and sleep really peacefully till almost noon. That being said, I'm a quality time person, and being on the phone sometimes beats meeting one-on-one. It's definitely more relaxing, and I can just have a focused conversation without worrying about eye contact, whether I look fierce or troubled and the person will misinterpret my body language, just slack into the couch and have a proper, decent conversation which I hadn't, in ages. Of course, me being in an alarmingly overjoyed mood, wanting to change mindsets, 'wake people's ideas' up', and be encouraging, motivational, and sincerely friendly at the same time proved to be no mean feat. Guess he was amazed at how I could be so peppy despite having quite a tiring day, after traisping toapayoh to bencoolen to arab street, to home, to cell, to jalan kayu, still could chirp happily about my cell and ministry! Thought that Shiner wanted to talk, he smsed if I was sleeping (I'm a late 'bird) but when I called apparently he snoozed already. For a moment thought that perhaps something bad had happened... but I guess he was just homesick... not used to his roommate's snoring perhaps! Hahaha.

Interpersonal relationships fascinates me. It's strange how you can 'know' someone for a super long time, and know everything about the person, yet know nothing... and discover that there's so many more hidden facets about this person that are...hmmm, interesting, and you feel sort of 'sucked in' to this person's sphere, that you just want to keep on finding out more and more, and there seems to be a point where, you two are so 'gam' that you start to talk like each other, laugh like each other and know each other's there for you, that there's nothing that will make you feel uncomfortable with each other. You start to be increasingly fond of the person, and naturally, close too.

For me, this always happens, but not with my other-half-to-be. Happy to talk, but no long conversations? No sweet deeper understanding? No nonverbal communication, soulmate-like linking of hearts? Argh. Perhaps these are just trial lessons. For the main course, it will be something special!

Sunday, July 24, 2005


"My soul magnifies the Lord ... For He lifts the lowly, He's done great things for me!"

- Mary, in the Gospel of Luke, paraphrased by me.

Woo. It's been an exciting week for me! Made new friends, new cell member arrived from Chennai, caught up with quite a lot of people, managed to clear some stuff and finally start gymming again, new Corrinne May CD! It's great! Exciting days ahead too! Wooo...

Some good advice from Shiner that 'when you smile more', you appear younger. Apparently he does believe in that! So I mischievously shot back at him, "So I should keep smiling at him, issit?" Haha. Looking mature is better than looking childish, I am convinced of that. It's better for people to think I'm 24 than ... 18... I guess! Although nowdays I can't tell ages of people, I am losing my touch. But yes, let me dazzle people with my bootiful smile. Smile more, everyone! (Although when Sheepy frowns at me I find it rather endearing, too!)

I'm thankful, that God has answered my wee prayers - immediately too. I blush as I type, (firguratively), so perhaps now is not the time to pen it down. Shared it with Shiner today as a form of encouragement - to see possibilities, in everything - but I kept laughing with incredulity at 'how can I pray for such a thing' to see it happen, and it did... So, advice to self is to be careful in what you pray for, even though it might seem inconsequential or really nonsensical, ... God hears! And He will answer. Indeed, he did, so directly that I just smiled and smiled at Him, to myself, thinking that it is almost a miracle... an encounter with God, who loves us and is planning an exciting future ahead!

And I'm still smiling now... hee

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Everyone longs for someone

Glad to see a long email from Ches in my mailbox today. He's headed to Boston from the Virgin Islands now. I emailed him some of the stuff I posted recently, as he's such an avid reader and I thought it would be nice... help him to see how I view life, too.

He wrote back that:

"...i did feel a fair amount of connection with some of the stuff you wrote, i guess it's what goes through most young ppl's minds. but as for now, 'relationship' is a far away from my mind. why? God hasn't showed me anyone yet..... the usual reasons. i wouldn't say that they're excuses and that i'm secretly longing for someone special; with the life that i'm living now, almost all forms of intimate relationships (e.g. with my mom, close friends) have been sort of on hold, lying dormant. for better or worse, it's as if i've been able to detach that part of me when i leave for sea, storing it safely in some repository, ready to be re-attached as i leave for home. and everytime i do that i feel i lose a bit of my 'emotional sensitivity,' for want of a better word."

I somehow felt so sad after I read that - the honestly, and the depth of emotion summed up in a way I never could. Doesn't everyone long for someone? These days, I've been wondering about something Jelly said - he just spoke out his thoughts absentmindedly, thinking aloud whether a decision is the right one, as he hasn't heard from God yet. I guess, in that sense, he is more spiritual than I am, for countless decisions I've made, I did not consult God per se or even pray about it thoroughly. I do want to tell him though that sometimes - many times, God does not answer audibly - like the way He answered me, when I was making that same decision, a few years back. God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I would like to tell him that yes, just decide, it is correct, I sense God calling you; but then again, how can I be so sure, and how can he base that decision on the trust of my words - a person he doesn't even know well?

Wanted to encourage Jelly to take that step of faith, in believing for the best outcome - but words failed me yet again; and I could only smile, in the silent comprehension of a common understanding between two people who are trying to be godly, and trying to do what is right.

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

A book in the hand and a teh-c in the other

Reading - ah, one of my passions, although I don't really fancy reading the news these days... it's an occupational hazard for me too - I have to read fashion mags cover to cover, it's not good - singaporean ones make me want to 'get that dress now!'; tempt me materialistically...and the content is not as good as foreign ones which include more well-written and thought-provoking pieces. 'Allure' is good.

I'm quite a miser when it comes to buying books, perhaps I choose them by their covers, and made really boring decisions(however, they had nice covers); choosing christian books, previously. Thus quite afraid to buy books, only under recommendation or when a preacher comes to town. Lately the only books I bought were Dick Purnell's 'Building a Lasting Love' (Sheepy exerted pressure) and John C. Maxwell's "Your Roadmap to Success" at the campus crusade sale; finished the first one in... 2 months...I'm losing my...passion, usually I can finish a lengthy book in 2 days max. like I did for Dan Brown's 'Da Vinci Code', and lately, 'Angels and Demons' - which had a much better plot and better writing as well.

Found a nice christian book place at City Square, bought 4 books for under $50, quite pleased about that. I'm going to start reading: 1. C.S. Lewis 'On Love'. 2. John C. Maxwell 'Becoming a People Person' 3. Philip Yancey 'Rumours of Another World' (nice, shiny cover) and 4. Henry and Richard Blackaby 'Spiritual Leadership'(Also very nice cover. Embossed!). It's good to know that my cell members are avid bookworms, more so than me... Seeing a newbie buying 3 books at one shot in manna bookstore really encourages me to start investing in good books. Felt that reading books together with people helps the relationship along too, it's simply wonderful reading along with someone who wants to listen to you dissect the entire paragraph and then debate your separate views. I tend to reflect a lot on the internal, so speaking it aloud better helps my thoughts along, compared to an inaudible monologue.

Mewsy lent me "Keep a Quiet Heart", Elisabeth Elliot. This part was especially thought-provoking for me:

Are you willing to be and have what He wants you to be and have, and nothing else? Will you surrender all your own hopes, dreams and plans to Him?

'Is my Father in charge here or am I supposed to take over?' He is in charge if you want Him to be. He will not invade your freedom to choose to 'take over'. But if you want His way, nothing more, nothing less, and nothing ELSE, you've got to leave it to Him...

Even though I've been a cell leader for some time now, sometimes this untamed spirit in me just takes over. Always wanting to rush things - 'cuz I see possibilities ahead of others, wanting to move on fast... I'm still learning to let God lead, it's really pleasurable that way. The vision, dreams for my life, for my cell, it will all come to pass, let God do it!

Realised again today how much I can influence people if I am willing to. Just a small incident at our favorite hawker - somehow, the people at my table ordered the same drink - 'teh-c' as me, perhaps they trusted my taste? God spoke to me actually through this! To influence people in the right way.

Told Shiner at the bus stop, that I wanted to be low-profile in church, I don't want everyone to know my name, to know my cell's name, to think they know me, a part of me, somehow... but because of my involvement in publicity-generating roles, inevitably the whole district gets to know my name and I am really, embarassed and at a loss of what to do or say to those people who know me; but I don't know them. And people would just come up to me and share to me, their lives, anecdotes, things they're facing... I don't know why. People of all ages - my friends' mums, acquaintances.... This, I relish, because it gives me an opportunity to share too, and encourage. But once you think of it, it seems rather freaky that people place so much trust in you, and you wonder, did I do something right here...? Some might say it's a natural ability, a special gift God has placed upon your life. I used to joke that I have the 'tell me your life story' face. I know that God can use my life experiences to be uplifting to those. But maybe, I don't want it - I don't really want to know all the unhappy things, or the struggles, or the shocking stuff... just let me think of them as a carefree, easygoing person without any hangups. An unworrisome imagination.

Once again, God has reminded me to be bold. To speak up and speak the truth - often accompanied by a verse, when it's time to do so. Which I haven't been doing so. 'Cuz I'm bo-chup, when people tell me stuff I just try to be a good listener. Whoever said 'don't give advice' isn't true. After many instances I realised abit of godly advice to a teachable heart transforms lives. I want to be a part of that, too. I will try - even though I could use a bit of sensible teaching, myself.

I hope the next time I drink 'teh-c' or whatever, I won't see people imitating me though!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

C.S. Lewis on Love

(This is excerpted from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity)

"Being in Love"

What we call being in love is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, 'the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs.'

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things beow it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling...

Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last, but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense - love as distinct from 'being in love' - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, mantained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God...

'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.

Don't stop your heart from fluttering when it ought to. Don't deny feelings you always knew were there. You never know if you never try, what it feels like to hold the beloved one in your arms, to see the sun light up in the horizon once he smiles at you. Embrace, the essence of love, of two people from opposite genders realizing that they ought to celebrate the story of how it came to be.

"You understand me,
Embrace my fragility.
You keep me safe in a crazy world." - Corrinne May.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

2 in like

Some people are naturally encouraging in such a subtle way that you don't realise it until you do.

Sometimes when two people like each other, it doesn't mean they have to be together.

I've ever prayed to God "Help me not to like this person".

With the help of my prayer buddy who dismissed the seriousness with gentle ribbing, but eventually he prayed too, albeit in a humorous way and told me he complied.

I'm always careful of what I pray for, because my prayers work. And it did, I stopped having tremulous feelings and could look the guy in the eye and have a decent conversation with him without my tummy fluttering butterflies.

I prayed that prayer because in reality, which remains unchanged, the future for us was not a part of it, even though he was perfect in all other aspects.

Sometimes when two people like each other, it doesn't mean they have to be together.
They have to ask God and themselves, "Do we share the same destiny?" "Will our destinies converge?"

... to be continued, when I have more answers to the tough ones.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

An inclination to Shiner's side

It's always the case for me.

How I develop a sudden bonding to certain buddies of mine because of a burgeoning interest in their good friend. And then when the feeling ends, how these buddies stay on to become permanent fixtures in my life even though we don't talk about loveful feelings anymore.

Lately been attached to Shiner - at his side, like some sort of appendage. It's not intentional on my side, it just happens that amongst the many thorns he's the one with a sincere concern for me, and one I can trust with my words. Also, the time spent dissecting what was said and what was done by the sweet sweet guy, we developed some strong bonding for the both of us. There's no such thing as 'too close' for me - between friends - I always need closer ones, me being so guarded; and Shiner's here for this season.

When people are close, others around them can sense it, they either remain silently observing, or in a true Singaporean way, make jibes at the both of you: "Eh how come you two alone here at the bus stop *hint*" "Both of you like very close, hor" To which I'd usually reply with a sardonic facial expression, and have to reassure the poor guy (Shiner in this case) that being associated with me is not a bad thing in itself and the jibes or whatever will die down, with time. It's one of a many times for me, and I'm sure, not the last. I think I have the wannabe attached look that's why. Or perhaps, they are really interested in 'who I'm waiting for'. Which if they are really interested, I will really tell them his beautiful name. But they didn't ask so the speculation goes on. Spice up their lives a bit...

I realised that some things are not to be rushed, relationships, friendships, there needs to be a certain amount of time invested into it.

It is also through the trying seasons in life that you realise the mettle of your friends - the intensity of their prayers, and their faith in you and God.

For me, I've been trying to be a good friend and cell leader. Every morning before work, whilst waiting for the northbound train (4 mins usually), I will pray for Sheepy's and Fifi's healing to take place. I can't say I'm faithful enough to believe totally that my prayers are effective - for I have just started to believe. I've never prayed for someone everyday before. Not for a really long time. I hope though, I can continue praying months and months and one day, they will tell me that they are healed.

It seems so easy, just to say a lil prayer for someone for a few minutes each day.

If it is so easy, how come I find it challenging...

Some days, it seems so difficult to pray.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

NKF scandal : "Commercial relationship" and lack of transparency

With slight excitement I realise that at the centre of the NKF controversy surrounding its' CEO, Mr T T Durai, and his lack of openness regarding some bathroom fixtures and fleet of cars, certain misdemeanors on his side do pertain to my (former) interests.

After all, I was employed at ProtonWeb Solutions - The company owned by Matilda Chua, sister of Elizabeth who was my former superior. Even though I only worked at the place - formerly Cantonment Road, now shifted to Temasek Boulevard - for three months or so, it was enough. Although I was working in a mostly christian environment, Matilda was a staunch Catholic and the rest were Christians from various denominations, I thought that the working experience there was pretty bad, with the usual office politicking and nitpicking about little details that totally irked me. At first, it did not bother me - I did not see the need for me to get involved in the company's dealings as I was only a contract staff, filling in the time for some much needed cash so that I could go on a holiday. However, being a small company, with most of its Chennai engineers situated at the NKF site, I had to handle some telemarketing accounts, notably the ABN-AMRO Moneyline account. It was definitely an environment with high stress levels as I had to handle customer's complaints, liase with the bank, and the Manager in India had to give me a daily update. I thought that it was a very underpaid job for the amount of work I did. Even if they offered me like 2K I wouldn't go back, ever.

But all in all it was a learning, working experience for me to be there with them. I wonder how my ex-colleagues are coping with the scandal. I'm sure they will lose business as a result. Or perhaps the reverse makes more sense - free publicity, unheard of before, in the telemarketing industry. Perhaps now people will remember their name more than Premas (It's the company that answers your call when you are trapped in the lift, haha...) or some other bigshots with funny names.

I do have some doubts about the media and it's inaccurate representations now, because honestly, GlobalNetRelations has ceased operating although it's name is still registered to Matilda. I want to speak up for her, not because I like her, or I'm 'benefitting' in any way, but I really think that she has been misrepresented - the article alludes to some sort of sneakery going on between her and Durai, which I can foresee does not do any good to her family or business relations. All in all, Matilda is really young, in her 30s with a newborn child, and I admire her competence for aggressively obtaining business, whether though personal contacts or not, I felt that all her liasings were above reproach.

It's strange as I was thinking yesterday about being ethical, and I heard that a certain former alliance of mine had set up a company, not too long ago. We were friends once, and I did share to him my (achievable) dream of opening a small apparel retail shop in Singapore, one day soon. He too, told me about the entrupreneurial plans he had, and even suggested we form a partnership. I was skeptical of his 'far-flung' words as I always thought he was too sure of himself, too over confident. Now, I found out that he has set up a business which looks like it's doing well. However, I question the ethicality (if there is such a word) of his doings.

I know his character well, this guy is someone who has an inflated opinion of himself - I do sound harsh here, I'm not that critical usually, but he has really rubbed me the wrong way with many of his deeds which would make him really squirm if it comes to daylight. Being unrepentant is one thing, but constantly being dubious, I cannot stand. And, he is both. Plus also being a 'fair-weather' friend, urgh! I'm glad I'm no longer talking to him, it would be hazardous to my general well-being.

His company's website was like a self-promo of the man, how great he is, and all the achievements listed there proudly. Oh yes, plus his girlfriend's image, cute-ly placed at strategic points to further push the products, the poor girl. I, for one, know that some of his claims are highly exaggerated, like he claims he 'managed the account for a top advertising firm in singapore'; which I know for a fact that that was his attachment job in the polytechnic!!! It's really... disgusting to say the least... and this gives a false impression of how trustworthy his character is, which in reality, is bollocks.

I wonder how some people can convince themselves to believe in an untrue reality, one which is cooked up by themselves.

It is often said that it's the small things that determine your character, and through this, I realise how important it is to represent things authentically. Why hide the truth when there is nothing to be ashamed of? Why tell people things that you need to retract later? No one will believe it, sooner or later. Good advice often falls on deaf ears and I shall highlight his lack of integrity to the people I know who can chide him, even though it may be a waste of my precious resources on my part.

And with companies under the spotlight at the moment for 'lack of transparency', I fear his ego might just lead him to the road of destruction.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Taciturn thoughts

'...what we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.'
(Wittgenstein - Tractatus, 1961)

Is silence the absence of sound, an empty receptacle - Is it possible to experience total sensory deprivation, and still, live?

A silent understanding

The right to remain silent

A respectful one minute silence

Is it ever right for words to remain unspoken when it should?

In a culture where silence is a rare commodity, sometimes a quiet comprehension of situations beheld in the way where only a recognition can come about, without the use of words.

Some feelings, some thoughts are undefinable - when spoken or written about, they seem trivialised somehow by the usage of language that fails to leave an accurate impression or definition of what is within. Too many words/phrases have become too cliched - "Take Care"; "I will miss you when you're gone" ;"I love you"; "Shalom"... When spoken without meaning these words fail to convey sincerity, and the implications of saying them aloud.

Once again I ask myself about the integrity of my actions, and my words, and how perspectives are changed. Being influential, I sometimes scarily rationalise that my actions and words are not decitful in themselves, and manage to convince myself so. And others, too, are convicted. I want to see change take place... I want more sincerity in words spoken between friends.

Sometimes I am too guarded, I fail to realise the importance of what is left unsaid. And perhaps, left unsaid for too long, these precious words will never come, until it is too late.

Or worse, forgotten.

Unremembered - that you ever felt like that, that all you wanted was to tell him you are touched because of his concern, how pleased you are that he always looks out for you, that you remember the small sweet actions he does.

Sometime later, you will forget, and perhaps treat it as inconsequential - because things that are not remembered, that are not spoken and recorded, disappears into the sea of nothingness - washed away by a hundred other pressing thoughts that rush the mind and disrupts the senses.

Yet...sometimes, we just forget to say it. Or perhaps, we prefer silence.

Monday, July 11, 2005

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Friday, July 08, 2005

Festival of Praise

Has to be my fave worship leader of all time... =)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Essence of Falling in Love

To all those hopeless(or hopeful) romantics out there,

This post is for you. =)

For a really long time, I've never understood love. How a man loves a woman. How a woman loves a man. I've not really searched for it per se, usually it knocks on my door unexpectedly, born out of a sheer coincidence, or, as some would believe, affinity. Destiny. Your destiny to fall in love with this special someone who will become your lifetime partner.

After all, Love is a choice. You can choose to search for the right person to fulfil your desires, or, perhaps torn apart by some misendeavors previously, the heart can remain guarded - locked up for a long time, with iron-wrought bars that many fail to decipher. Hoping never to hurt or to be hurt again, you tread carefully through the waters ahead, finding the path that seems the easiest. Perhaps, you never really thought about being the someone special, or looking for someone to fall in love with. Perhaps, you try to convince yourself and everyone else that, you're still young...that, you haven't found the right one yet...that, you want to focus on other things at this season in time. You go around encouraging people in their matters of the heart, saying that God will fulfil your heart's desires; that love is just around the corner; commit everything in prayer - and all will be fine.

But sometimes, when you find yourself glancing at cute photos of couples; or wanting to watch that romance movie, you wistfully think for a moment, how nice it would be if I had someone with me. Someone who loves me. Then, as if brushing that thought away, and banishing it to the deepest recesses of your mind, you shake your head and walk on, as if pursued by reality, not imagination.

For you fear, that the next time will end in failure, yet again...'Too many times I've loved and lost', you say to yourself. Just recently, you opened your heart up to love again - but things did not work out, and although that was a meaningful journey, you fear that there cannot possibly be anyone out there who's just right for you. You analyse yourself- and start asking questions about yourself that cannot possibly be answered; or you start developing expectations so idealistic that no one alive can possibly hope to fulfil.

For once, ages ago, you found someone who you thought was the love of your life. In your youth, you pledged to remain faithful to each other, to marry each other when both graduated. You shared sweet moments together - took many photos together, long walks by the beach, a simple movie date and coffee after that. Everyone said you two were an ideal couple - and honestly, both of you believed that this love could last a lifetime.

But Time dealt its decree on this sweet relationship. One pursued after Life, success, and popularity. The other pursued after God. Conflicting passions and dissimilar goals in life led to constant bickering - both were miserable, more so because of the indiscretions they had shared. In reality, you knew this was not what you wanted. This was not your idea of a caring spouse. You tried, to remain committed, but your heart was already not with him. Even as he devoted himself to excelling in the world, you prayed for him. For his heart to change. There was still a glimpse of hope in the future for the both of you, you believed. Maybe after a 6 months period. Or a year - things would change. 'We still loved each other in so many ways', you thought.

And, just for a while, the prospect of things looked good. The indiscretions were dealt with and buried, he seemed commited to wanting you back and pursuing a healthy spiritual relationship. Inside, you were glad that he made a good choice. You had hope. But not long after, the strain began to show. He wavered between choosing life...and choosing love. For a long time he tried to be good. But he turned away, and chose the other.

Then, as you looked back, you thought that, it was too messy to start loving again. What's the point of it, as you believed that this type of love would not last. So, for years, you decided to immerse yourself in logic and rationality. To never look at guys again with passion. Treat them as friends, nothing else. To never fall in love. To always guard your heart. To focus on things that last.

And that worked for you. You achieved many things in life, without anyone's support. You believed in yourself. You excelled in school, in ministry, in many other things you applied yourself to. Sure, there were many other guys along the way. Nice ones. But you just weren't interested in starting a relationship. Perhaps you believed that it would be difficult to love someone else. Perhaps you didn't have a heart anymore. Without intention, you remained single for months which stretched into years; when before, you did not even go a couple of months before finding someone new. You matured, since those heady, fling-prone days. You never wanted to give your body without giving your mind, without knowing his heart. No longer would you be tempted to fail yourself in this aspect.

Now, something has changed, within. The assuredness of your gait becomes a trembly stumble as you realised that someone has touched your heart, touched your soul. And now, slightly wiser, instead of banishing these feelings, or changing your lifestyle so that you would not have to face him, you face it with the innocence and purity that is redeemed through God. You begin to warm to the possibility of...really...being...crazy about someone, small joys that set your heart fluttering - you remember little anecdotes he quipped while you were journeying together. Deep down you wonder whether what you are feeling is genuine, whether he cares for you too, not as a little sister, but as someone that can be there walking beside him in fulfilling his destinies. You wonder whether your pathways are a converged one, or might there be a time, soon, that these moments will cease to exist.

You feared that when you love him, you want to give your whole heart to him. And when you do that, you have nothing more to give.

But, you have already fallen in love... ...

To be continued, hopefully with a happy ending for myself. I've not sworn off guys, I would like to get married when I'm still young and have a happy family with a successful career, and a sweet, doting husband who spanks the kids and always tells me he loves me.

All of the above is true, to the best of my recollections. As a youth, I was impulsive, passionate, and idealistic. It's been said to me that I've mellowed down. I would like to think that I've kept a little bit of my naivete, some childlike innocence and a cheerful spirit. Certain things in life happen that no one has answers for, but we can be sure that ALL is safe in God's hands - and that we can trust in Him for a future. So whether you have lost a loved one, or are about to embark onto a relationship, remember to love, as He loved us. Agape...

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Monday, July 04, 2005

16 chapters of Proverbs wor!

Was miffed by some joker in the morning, claiming he's from church and smsed me if he could 'make friends'... Slightly tired also due to the long weekend of meetings which probably explains my irritated mood. Searched through Proverbs today, was looking for the verse Pastor Dominic spoke about "hope deferred..." I ended up reading 16 chapters of Proverbs, I think I'll keep at it and probably finish reading it tomorrow. That's the good thing in higher education, the independence of conducting our own study sessions and playing your own music instead of listening to blah ones on the radio, ones which you probably can't change the channels unless you're boss. Many many (too many) proverbs spoke to me... I underlined some of them in pencil. Here, in NLT:

Above all, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do (4/23)

No real harm befalls the godly, but the wicked have their fill of trouble (12/21)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy. (13/12)

A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate. (15/17)

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. (16/9)

Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be happy. (16/20)

Shall try to remember all these. Many truths.

Friday, July 01, 2005


Don't limit your possibilities to the visible.
Don't listen only to the audible.
Don't be controlled by the logical.
Believe that there is more to life than meets the eye!

-Max Lucado, Becoming a Person of Destiny, 1.5.