The Essence of Falling in Love

To all those hopeless(or hopeful) romantics out there,

This post is for you. =)

For a really long time, I've never understood love. How a man loves a woman. How a woman loves a man. I've not really searched for it per se, usually it knocks on my door unexpectedly, born out of a sheer coincidence, or, as some would believe, affinity. Destiny. Your destiny to fall in love with this special someone who will become your lifetime partner.

After all, Love is a choice. You can choose to search for the right person to fulfil your desires, or, perhaps torn apart by some misendeavors previously, the heart can remain guarded - locked up for a long time, with iron-wrought bars that many fail to decipher. Hoping never to hurt or to be hurt again, you tread carefully through the waters ahead, finding the path that seems the easiest. Perhaps, you never really thought about being the someone special, or looking for someone to fall in love with. Perhaps, you try to convince yourself and everyone else that, you're still young...that, you haven't found the right one yet...that, you want to focus on other things at this season in time. You go around encouraging people in their matters of the heart, saying that God will fulfil your heart's desires; that love is just around the corner; commit everything in prayer - and all will be fine.

But sometimes, when you find yourself glancing at cute photos of couples; or wanting to watch that romance movie, you wistfully think for a moment, how nice it would be if I had someone with me. Someone who loves me. Then, as if brushing that thought away, and banishing it to the deepest recesses of your mind, you shake your head and walk on, as if pursued by reality, not imagination.

For you fear, that the next time will end in failure, yet again...'Too many times I've loved and lost', you say to yourself. Just recently, you opened your heart up to love again - but things did not work out, and although that was a meaningful journey, you fear that there cannot possibly be anyone out there who's just right for you. You analyse yourself- and start asking questions about yourself that cannot possibly be answered; or you start developing expectations so idealistic that no one alive can possibly hope to fulfil.

For once, ages ago, you found someone who you thought was the love of your life. In your youth, you pledged to remain faithful to each other, to marry each other when both graduated. You shared sweet moments together - took many photos together, long walks by the beach, a simple movie date and coffee after that. Everyone said you two were an ideal couple - and honestly, both of you believed that this love could last a lifetime.

But Time dealt its decree on this sweet relationship. One pursued after Life, success, and popularity. The other pursued after God. Conflicting passions and dissimilar goals in life led to constant bickering - both were miserable, more so because of the indiscretions they had shared. In reality, you knew this was not what you wanted. This was not your idea of a caring spouse. You tried, to remain committed, but your heart was already not with him. Even as he devoted himself to excelling in the world, you prayed for him. For his heart to change. There was still a glimpse of hope in the future for the both of you, you believed. Maybe after a 6 months period. Or a year - things would change. 'We still loved each other in so many ways', you thought.

And, just for a while, the prospect of things looked good. The indiscretions were dealt with and buried, he seemed commited to wanting you back and pursuing a healthy spiritual relationship. Inside, you were glad that he made a good choice. You had hope. But not long after, the strain began to show. He wavered between choosing life...and choosing love. For a long time he tried to be good. But he turned away, and chose the other.

Then, as you looked back, you thought that, it was too messy to start loving again. What's the point of it, as you believed that this type of love would not last. So, for years, you decided to immerse yourself in logic and rationality. To never look at guys again with passion. Treat them as friends, nothing else. To never fall in love. To always guard your heart. To focus on things that last.

And that worked for you. You achieved many things in life, without anyone's support. You believed in yourself. You excelled in school, in ministry, in many other things you applied yourself to. Sure, there were many other guys along the way. Nice ones. But you just weren't interested in starting a relationship. Perhaps you believed that it would be difficult to love someone else. Perhaps you didn't have a heart anymore. Without intention, you remained single for months which stretched into years; when before, you did not even go a couple of months before finding someone new. You matured, since those heady, fling-prone days. You never wanted to give your body without giving your mind, without knowing his heart. No longer would you be tempted to fail yourself in this aspect.

Now, something has changed, within. The assuredness of your gait becomes a trembly stumble as you realised that someone has touched your heart, touched your soul. And now, slightly wiser, instead of banishing these feelings, or changing your lifestyle so that you would not have to face him, you face it with the innocence and purity that is redeemed through God. You begin to warm to the possibility of...really...being...crazy about someone, small joys that set your heart fluttering - you remember little anecdotes he quipped while you were journeying together. Deep down you wonder whether what you are feeling is genuine, whether he cares for you too, not as a little sister, but as someone that can be there walking beside him in fulfilling his destinies. You wonder whether your pathways are a converged one, or might there be a time, soon, that these moments will cease to exist.

You feared that when you love him, you want to give your whole heart to him. And when you do that, you have nothing more to give.

But, you have already fallen in love... ...

To be continued, hopefully with a happy ending for myself. I've not sworn off guys, I would like to get married when I'm still young and have a happy family with a successful career, and a sweet, doting husband who spanks the kids and always tells me he loves me.

All of the above is true, to the best of my recollections. As a youth, I was impulsive, passionate, and idealistic. It's been said to me that I've mellowed down. I would like to think that I've kept a little bit of my naivete, some childlike innocence and a cheerful spirit. Certain things in life happen that no one has answers for, but we can be sure that ALL is safe in God's hands - and that we can trust in Him for a future. So whether you have lost a loved one, or are about to embark onto a relationship, remember to love, as He loved us. Agape...

Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence