Monday, February 27, 2006

To b or non-b?

Yet another one bites the dust.

Just thought that it would be nice to share that I am fully convicted that a non-believer (relationship wise) is totally out of the question for me; but even right now, I don't have the heart to say it truthfully. The past week, we had chance encounters with people who reminded us that hey, everyone has emotions and those who follow theirs, often put their hearts on their sleeves. Waiting for others to stab them down.

I have experienced relationships with non- and (what's the opposite of non?) not-non-believers alike. Some short-term, others more serious.

Asked Johnny how it felt like to stay single for over 10 years already. Since he accepted Christ he never got attached. Are standards set too high? He admitted he was attracted to this non-b girl recently. Asked him why he never started. He said he couldn't imagine what to say to end it. Is he going to stay single his entire life just for the sake of this one thing which was written in the Bible? And am I going to respect those, many many, singles in our church for having done that, despite the fear that they might be left-on-the-shelf? OR do I judge those that have fallen, fallen in love with someone that they were not supposed to?

Heard sob stories from new-bs and old-bs alike how difficult for them this struggle is.

Would I still go to heaven despite being attached to this non-b?

Yes. I believe so. Just that you can't find a godly man to marry you off. Maybe the godly man feels for your situation too, but he has to live up to his title. You can still wear white. You can still invite me to your wedding.

Sometimes Bs have too many hang-ups because of too many beliefs. Make it simple, let your honest answer come from your soul, your heart, your spirit, your mind. If I condone these relationships, what kind of christian leader am I being? Can I be sure that I won't fall - in love - too? After all, falling in love is not dependent on which belief you come from. But it is already written in the Holy Bible, what is - and what isn't. What should be and what should not. Hey, read it for yourselves.

I am attending Johnny's brother's wedding in a few months'. The first few of my classmates to get hitched. While a posh wedding is ideal, what happens after the marriage is - the rest of your lives together. Johnny, I can't say that I'm brave enough to make the same decision when it comes to the crunch. But I do respect you getting your act together, despite the pressure from your peers to find a girl, despite people wondering if you are gay just because you've not been in a romance for some time. Keep going, love awaits.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Precious days to March

Love the Lord your God with ALL your passion, prayer and your intellect.
Love the people around you, the way you love yourself.

It's true that I'm still young, even though at times I feel truly 'world-weary', and imagine for a while, how nice it would be to have no worries about finances, to have already found someone who loves me so much that I'm willing to share a bed with him every night, to want his little kids running about and in secure belief that this is all I've ever wanted.

But no, I'm only 23 - and while I have nice visions of my life being a happy, worry-free and one filled with love all around, I do dread the thoughts of it being not so pleasant.

Haven't told him yet, but I am increasingly having a basic addiction to Warrie. Or rather, our verbal sparrings on the telephone. Wrote a card to him in which I have to say I was more sincere and honest with myself than I ever was. I hope this is the only addiction I'd ever have. It is possible to think a lot about a person you've still barely known, and miss him enough to want to see him, soon.

Meandered with Kie again last night on topics veering towards love and fulfilment. It is an exicitng time in our lives as we anticipate a happy future with lots of dates and seeing people who really like us. Ha! That aside, we wonder, about side issues, premptive measures that we could be doing right now, instead of indecisions later. One side issue which is a biggie for both of us is about whether - we should spend time with our friends of the opposite genders when we're married. Since I'm way more experienced, I shared. Flashback to the time my long-ago ex called my 60-over times while I was out with my female best friend. Flashback to the time where other attached guys were spending way more time sharing with me than they did to their better halves. I guess a good measure would be to introduce him to them, to allay his main concerns of either me being attracted to them or vice versa. Kie's preventive measures was to, also not go out with female friends too often. I felt miffed at that - exactly what Shiner said when we both were 'too close' in his point of view.

So he left, emotionally in a sense, I became detached too, because I was hurt by the fact that his worldview is so so different from mine. It is quite shitty, when the boundaries of friendship and closeness is guarded by an incomprehensible fact that we are not supposed to overlook. Maybe, that is why most of my friendships with guys are short-lived. Perhaps they cannot understand what it means to be a friend without falling into infatuation. I cannot understand, the boundaries which are supposed to be set in place for our very own protection. Then again, if you suppress these emotions and really look at the state of which things are in, and that this is a friendship which you truly cherish, why bother, about all the other 'supposed-tos' and 'No, I'm a leader that's why I have to respect this and that.' If that is the case, why did you rush down to my place after receiving an sms from me that I was despondent? And talked with me for so many days even though you had to study? Is the busyness that is eating you up now something that you are using as a form of escape... do you even remember the kind words and prayers you have said for me as I cried? Do you know how much I cherish it, that without it, I am not reminded of my sense of purpose, my sense of self?

It's two more precious days to March.

What have I achieved in the past months? A lot, yet little. The things I truly want in life have not yet come to pass, although I believe it will, this year.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Dissipate the dark cloud

Because I see a tinge of sadness in your eyes; which mirrors mine.
Smile at the people who need it, not the ones who are happy already? But then, maybe the ones who needs happiness are the ones who cherish it more. Realised that Manager's Manager's Manager has such kindly, wrinkly eyes - He appears to be really ''up there'' and respected and liked by all, but perhaps only I can see his melancholic, dark side. It causes me to wonder, what deep hurts he carries in the fleeting, sad look in his eyes.

Felt like a dark cloud was hanging over me yesterday - happily though, I received unexpected encouragements. Manager sensed I was perturbed and got me to drink. Drink kopi la. I have to admit it gave a temporal high after. Had a nice pep talk from Cutebert too - he seems to admire my resilience - and asked me for a demo in talking to people on the street. He says that his fear level is up there, whilst mine is low-low. Cutebert, now a manager, knows his stuff. A guy who admits his fear is one who has more strength than he knows. I did tell him that he could do it! We both needed affirmation perhaps.

And earlier, Blondie spoke to me. He's new. I made him hungry...hahaha by eating a delicious bread that was in my inhouse cafeteria...I will always remember that he asked me it was called...And I said...'bread'...And he thought I was making fun of him. He's nice. I think I am pretty good by now, at sizing people up, before even knowing them! Blondie introduced himself before he entered the gents'. And said goodnight, too, as I was leaving. He will be another one of the friends I have at The Office. Those that remember my name, those that I would like to spend more time with, talking to them.

It's amazing the tumult of emotions that run you through, the course of just one day. I never liked people who gave too much of themselves to their feelings, however, perhaps I should give more thought to mine. How nice it would be if I could just speak and live with real emotion!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Over green tea frappe

Love and Acceptance - Must they be together all the time?

Met Sugar's friend' JiT yesterday. Spent time soaking in the sun which perked me up a little. He describes himself as a pain-in-the-ass kind of person, but on the whole - his ''no qualms'' nature and rough, straightforward way is actually so much better than the ones I've met who look decent but who knows what's beneath the waters... =) Yes. And it's honestly amazing how much two strangers can share over coffee/green tea frappe - plus points for his nonchalantly standing up and getting my drink. So initiative! On my side, I did not share much, but rather prompted him to share what he felt - obviously he was peeved about things which happened, which he wrote on his blog. It's refreshing to meet a guy who is so in touch with his feelings. Who has that act-tough demeanour but is a softie inside. Who claims he is going to be a buddhist his entire life, not because he believes in it, rather, it's for his family, he believes that the eldest son should go with tradition. And for his sincerity, who can fault him for that?

Just came from Leader's DEW - Counseling session with Pastor Pippi. Apparently I'm in self-denial about my feelings - that I make quick decisions that are right, with my mind, often neglecting my feelings. Well, that is true. All the same, I thought that I was really "open" with my feelings, more so than others. At least, I say what I feel, and I admit those evil thoughts lurking in my mind. I have lots of areas to mature in, as a person, I do hope that I will be able to help myself unite the feelings that I have. Pastor Pippi said I have an ungodly soul tie with Grass. Hmmm. I was shocked when she said that, will wait for the next session to hear her say more. In this area, I believe I'm doing what is rightful -however, my emotions/heart cannot reconcile with my mind. Not that I absolutely do not believe in what I'm doing, or do just because I'm a leader and I have to do it. It's just that a part of me feels sad and guilty, feelings which I have not come to accept in myself...yet. That is why I am in such a confusion everytime he wants to meet me or talk to me. Spending more time with him will bring me to a quandary about certain things I don't want to make a decision about. That said, I also do not want to play with fire, no matter how I feel deep inside, it's a definite no-no. Next week, I will learn more about what causes all my issues. I do know, actually... I just don't know what to do in specific situations.

Lots of tension this week, I'm undoubtedly worried about certain things - on the whole though, it's still manageable. Really hope for breakthrough. =)

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Me and Aaron at Jazzmatazz - like a food ad eh?

Monday, February 20, 2006

Monday Meme : Childhood memories

Really motivated to focus on my work and make use of every single bit of time. Been playing games online to relieve the tension and tiredness... sort of works actually! I am motivated because I really want to make it... and, everyday, meeting new people, it's such an enriching life experience, I learn so much from them. I'm blessed too, that almost all the people I meet and talk to have been really nice to me.

So here's a meme to blog about.

1. Colors... What was your favorite color when you were little? What color was your room? Was your hair a different color?
I never really liked pink, not even as a little girl... I guess I liked yellow and red. My room was blue I think. Can't remember! My hair was black, duhhh...

2. Toys... What were your favorite toys when you were young? What toy did you want to get more than anything else?
I liked Polly Pocket! The usual, barbies, stuffed toys, board games... Remember I loved playdough and the japanese fishing game where you use a small magnetized rod to 'fish out' the fishies... Actually whenever we went shopping, my mum would buy me one toy, any toy that I asked for - of course I did not ask for anything ostentatious.

3. Pets... Did you have any pets when you were little? If so, what was your first?
Yes, I had a kitten for a while, a stick insect, 'yabbie', praying mantis, scorpions, hamsters, lots of hamsters, white mice... ... ... rabbit!

4. Holidays... What holiday did you look forward to as a child? What did you do to celebrate?
Really liked CNY because we could collect sweets and also Christmas because of the season's feeling... Enjoyed Christmas in Australia, really memorable! There was a real Santa, and real plum pudding.

5. Food... Were you a picky eater when you were a kid? What were your favorite foods? Do you still like those foods today?
I liked almost everything, had a special liking for sweet sweet stuff. Think now I don't really like sweetstuff though I'm still into chocolates. I really like cakes and ice cream - I can skip meals and just eat ice cream... loads of it! It's a wonder I manage to stay thin... ... ...

Sunday, February 19, 2006

A new locket

I love to spend time with friends. I counted the number of sms-es greetings I received on my birthday... wow... it's 14. Beat that! I am very amazed and count myself blessed to have so many people who care for me enough to think of me in their hearts and buy me stuff I really like. Went shopping with SincereStar yesterday, she was looking for nice workwear. Me, I already bought like so many workwear tops during the post-CNY sale that I was just content to browse around happily with her. On a side note, realise that I'm starting to become more feminine, like to wear those blouses with a girly touch to it. I must be growing up, in my taste. Never imagined that I'd like lacy stuff, or actually look good in it. I do feel different, dressing up, as compared to my usual lackdasical, cropped pants and sleeveless cotton shirt look. Feel different in heels and lady shoes at work too, although the pain threshold still remains.

We went to this shop, Mesh, at Far East. Haven't gone there for such a long, long time... my perception of the place is that all the stuff there is really too lianish and juvenile for me, and not cheap too... I'd rather pay a bit more and get Euro labels than the ones from Hongkong - material's really bad anyways. The old days are gone, I remember after school, every week we would take a detour into town, catch a movie (Those days, we were rich... and movies were cheap)... always going into the same shops, Quiksilver at Pacific Plaza, this hairclip shop at Far East Plaza, and then always watching movies at Lido or Cine. Sometimes, we hung out at Bishan, too. Every week, the same routine. I was a Times Square kid for the longest time. Until I decided that it was too boring taking neoprints every week and playing basketball was more fun. And boyfriends demanded of my time and energy, too! It's true that the noisy bonds formed between women always take second place after a quiet bond formed with a man.

SincereStar and I were at this shop - we were fascinated by this watch, apparently quite famous, the time was told by various lighted up dots... it made a good window display and at the invitation of the shopkeeper we ventured in. Nice chunky jewellery at affordable prices, mostly looked like it was for guys though, although I honestly doubt any of my guy friends would appreciate if I gave them a shield pendant or a leaf ring to wear. There was this nice heart shaped locket, half carved in wood and half in silver, ornate yet modern that I really liked... looked a bit like a heirloom yet small enough to not be ostentatious.

SincereStar was so nice, she bought it for me! As a birthday present. Wow. She really made my day! It's a rare day that I actually like things like that... firstly I don't really like jewellery, only earrings and watches, and even for that I'm quite particular. Secondly, I don't really like wearing things around my neck... but I have a thing for lockets for the longest time... Oh... now I understand how trinkets can make little girls and grown women happy. Ha.

We saw many couples with bouquets. Haha- the guy buys the bouquet, but the guy has to carry them when the girl is shopping. I wonder how they felt. I wonder how the flowers felt. I was mentioning to SincereStar that some of my guy friends, those geeky ones... although they have been attached for like a year, or more... they never bought flowers for their girl before. Sheesh man. I know I will never like this kind of guys. It's not about the flowers right, it's about romance. How boring - like my parents I think. Anyways my mum claims she only likes plastic flowers - bleah. Totally different generation. We agreed that those guys who are non-romantic, ie, no flower in sight, is a definite no-no. Then again... my parents will grill me I think, if I brought flowers home. Haha. The guy would have many 'points' added. Haha. Realised Kie is 'growing up' too... He seems to show more maturity in treating girls well. Maybe he has learnt from my expectations in my sharings. He is more 'man' now. Hope he buys flowers soon~ I'd be happy for him, then.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Leadership out of the box

Immersed in a good book last night - "Leadership and Self-Deception" - by the Arbinger Institue - wouldn't have bought it myself if not for the shopkeeper's recommendation and the fact that it was a national bestseller. The read turned out to be surprisingly good - gave me insights on why some people behave in the way they do - blaming others and treating others like objects, even though they do not really look at themselves and ask why are they like that. This behavior is termed 'in the box' - and several analogies made the book a page-turner. Wow. After reading the book I felt like just buying copies and passing them to my friends. It definitely helps in motivating people. Simple concepts with great depth. For me, I'm sometimes in the box, but hopefully in most of my personal relationships, I'm out of the box.

I realise that some people I've dealt with and am dealing with are really deep 'in the box'. It's sad because like the mouse-sized men in 'Who moved my cheese', they don't believe that the problem lies with their own self-deception, and blame it on everything else. Which is sad, but it would also take a long time for them to come out of it. I remember one incident where this person questioned me haughtily about certain people I was having responsibility of. Because of that person's way of asking me, I felt defensive and wanted to reply back curtly. It was not entirely my fault that things happened this way; however, in a leadership position, and also due to personal mismanagement I knew things could have been handled better in my capacity. So... I did something that she utterly would not have expected. I said that, "Yes, in X incident, it was my fault. I could have done better." You can see the shocked look on her face! Up till today, this person still questions me on the way things are being done... not in the way of wanting to learn things, but rather picking on the things people are doing and trying to criticize. And this person prides it on her personality type, 'that's the way it is, because that's the way my personality is'. I really cannot understand.

And meeting all sorts of people everyday, really makes you a different person. For me, I hope I'm wiser in interpersonal relationships.

It's strange that although I talk so much in my biz everyday, at night I can still talk to friends, online, etc. It's as if I have no 'word quota' of the day... I think I would be depressed if I did not have anyone to talk to! Then again, God is good, always providing me with plenty of opportunities. I still have so much energy left despite my tiring days, I long to lie down on a patch of grass and share deepfelt desires and dreams. I miss Warrie, stupid feeling right? Want to talk and talk to him, wonder if he wants to also...? This week is bad for him. Somehow, hope to offer more than a listening ear. The notion of someone supporting you is enough for you to excel...and go the distance... This week, received much encouragement from Des and Xinxin, my managers. And I actually exceeded my targets for the week! Money is going to roll in because besides my work, they are going to pay me really well for doing their assignments. It's going to cost them...hahaha... I'm good! Xinxin owes me one prata and one subway. =) Looking forward to a happily hectic week. It's a happy problem to have a packed schedule when you're in the sales line.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

No room reminisces

When you're really tired out and it seems as though, there is no room left in your life... to think about the things that really matter... Or to meet up with people you want to spend more time with just lounging in their presence, what hurts most? Is it the things you do daily that defines a successful person? When you are rich, busy, and successful, do you remember the music that accompanied your readings by the you remember the people that helped you along the way. Those who believed you could make it, those who always ask, "how's sales?". Those who care about your financial status and love you despite being broke. Would I remember the friends who really care whether I fail or not, the ones who provided me with names and numbers; the father who keeps asking about my deals and paying for my phone bills.

And when the taste of success is so close at hand, do you imagine your life, taking on a different facade? Do you imagine your investments bearing fruit finally, and enjoying the way things has turned out for you, that you no longer have to worry about anything because your dreams are realised and there is nothing else you actually really want anymore? Even the purchasing of little items at sale prices do nothing to stem your disillusionment, your apathy. Only that, deep inside you know that there is a greater purpose. In fact, purpose is the very reason why you started out in the first place. Not venturing forth purely for money, or for success, but for an opportunity to impact people in the marketplace. Things started off slow, and they still are, but with treasured colleagues and superiors, it is possible to make it. Already many are impressed, by the way things have turned out to be. And along the way, many more will come.

To focus on something is terribly difficult especially when there are lots of other distractions coming up along the way. And when the road ahead seems like an uphill climb for now. But I also remember the times where I had persisted on; the tough times when you feel like no one understands what it means to keep doing the things I'm doing - I've been there. And when I look back, the lonely and trying times were really very short - just a few months' span, in fact. Well, it's another long trudge uphill again for me this time. I took many detours along the way. But I realised this week that I have to devote myself more to a successful pursuit.

Monty said yesterday that in his opinion, I'd make a really good manager.
Coming from him, a manager, that's a real compliment. I sometimes wonder why people see potential in me when the results have yet to be seen. He really meant what he said. Soemtimes it's the belief that others have in you that would inspire yourself to succeed. It's because you want them to be happy for you too, almost as much as you would want it for yourself.

When you're really tired out and it seems as though there is no room left in your life, there is always a small space left to believe in someone, and encourage others who are also walking this uphill road.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy V day!

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.
-- American Proverb

Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.
-- French Proverb

More than kisses, letters mingle souls.
-- John Donne

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.
-- François de La Rouchefoucauld

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

To love another person is to see the face of God.
-- Lyric from Les Miserables

With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow.
-- Wedding Vow, Book of Common Prayer

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein

To be able to say how much love, is love but little.
-- Petrarch

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.
-- Cass Daley


Nothing beats working in The Company.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Everyone is wishing everyone today! It's almost like CNY "Xin Nian Kuai Le!", so funny. Female managers are wishing male subordinates, male PAs are wishing female receptionists. It's almost as though there is no room to be unhappy - even if you are alone and have no hot date.

The issue of flowers, or sending bouquets to signify romance is always hotly debated, this year proves to be the same. Female married colleagues were saying how silly it was about the commercialism and the highly extorbitant prices of flowers, the bigger the bouquet, the more it signifies how 'much in love' you two are. Well, I always hardly get flowers near my birthday because of this romantic day, but I'm not complaining. A huge part of myself belongs to the practical side where I will scold the guy for such an extravagance, it's really ridiculous... but then again, it would be nice to have someone show you're special by the act of giving flowers and making you the envy of all the other girls - those single ones who would stare at the bouquet enviously and then look at you with the thought in their eyes, as if to say, what makes you so special to receive this extravagant gift, and not me?

Hmm. I'm genuinely happy today for the people who are in love. Keep it going! Treasure the man by your side, the one who would do all sorts of stupid things for you and talk to you even though he's tired, who would take long walks to nowhere with you just because you wanted to, who would listen to you talk even though he wants to cuddle. Hey, nothing beats having someone who you can feel totally yourself with and just the simple sharing of everyday activities and little things that happened - not everyone out there has the privilege, not everyone can bask in a man's affections and be totally devoted to him, too.

So celebrate romance, celebrate the special fact that you have this year, this day, these few hours together, treat him like you have never been so desiring of spending a day out together, doing things and saying things only couples in love enjoy.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A little girl's prayer

Inspired by "Hadassah", Tommy Tenney.

I remember when I was young, I used to imagine I was a princess. I paraded around carrying a pink basket with my royal dog, a pound puppy plushie named ‘Ruby’, and with various other trinkets I deemed special enough for a princess’ belongings. I would put a cape on, a red quilted baby blanket, luxurious enough to rest a baby-smooth face on, and sit regally in a stiff-backed chair, awaiting my royal subjects. I still have that blanket, old and worn but altogether still a precious remnant from my younger days, tucked somewhere in one of my drawers. Other days, I would imagine I was away on my journeys to strange and exciting places, zooming about in a yellow scooter. (Yes, I had a yellow scooter, then.) I was the independent minded little girl who knew where she was going and having lots of laughter and excitement along the way.

Being raised in a Christian family, I would pray for my future husband. I wanted to! That he would be tall and dashing, impeccably well-mannered, someone that I would hopelessly fall in love with, someone who would be the eventual man I married and spent the rest of my life with, a guy, worthy of my affections, worthy of my love. I prayed with the wistful longings of romance that teenaged girls might have; only that earlier on in life, I already knew. I knew that love was something to be treasured, and my heart and body, to be given away to the one who would be my King.

Growing up, I realized that my ideal of a perfect family was almost impossible in today’s world. I met many friends who came from broken homes, whose parents were not living with each other, who do not believe in marriage because most of their friends have divorced; I’ve met people who are single because they do not trust their family’s past to repeat itself in their lives. I’ve seen the hurt that comes from not having one parent around – lost to death or divorce. I’ve seen parents that were not able to give their best to their children, lamenting the fact that they hardly know them anymore. I’ve personally been through love and loss as well, although that cannot be compared to the impact of losing one parent because of a strange law in the land that states divorce is acceptable, that once we get tired of each other, we can find new mates.

And I’m fearful because of the fact that I might be the one who decides to cut the ties, to stop the music, to end the charade.

But who knows, perhaps I was born for such a time as this. In wanting so many criteria fulfilled, in looking out for my best interests, perhaps it’s time I put aside these nagging doubts and believe in a fairytale Biblical romance. Even in these turbulent times, perhaps true love still exists. And I want to be the one chosen for His palace. I want to desire Him more than any other, to give of myself completely, to remember all that has passed, and to excitedly anticipate all that is going to happen. Even now I sense that many things will come to pass.

A little girl once prayed many years ago.

A young woman, today, standing at the forefront of short years that will determine her destiny, prays the same prayer.

Friday, February 10, 2006

The injured kitten

With compassion in her eyes...

On the lonely pavement leading to yck road, a small ginger kitten, shivering from the cold, was struggling to grip the wet ground with its two front legs - its hind legs, broken and lying limply behind it as it tried to drag itself up. Its eyes were already glazed over from the pain as it trembled violently from the cold, having no shelter from the pelting rain.

That was what I found, on the way to work. I always talk to strays, so as I happily listened to my earphones, I mewed at the little kitten, but abruptly stopped as I realised with a sickening horror to the pit of my stomach that it was injured. Sure enough, the hind legs were broken - although by what, I could not fathom - definitely not a car accident because there were no traces of blood. It looked shell-shocked and cold, and hungry... I felt so much pity, so much compassion for the little wounded creature as it stuggled to balance precariously on its two front legs. Dismally, I looked around for help and wondered what could I possibly do. I knew with a sinking feeling that it would probably die of the cold, if not of the injuries. Some kindly residents brought out a blanket and some rice, and brought it to under a tree for shelter, but I felt that I had to do something, not just walk away - as I was sure if I had not done anything, the image of the small kitten, shivering and trying to stand, would haunt me always as I walk this road... Asked a passerby for help in finding a box for the small kitten. Was told later at the SPCA that it would most probably be put to sleep, as I'd expected.

On the way there, I couldn't stop tearing as I fingered the kitten's head, which was sleeping peacefully in the box by now. It opened its eyes to look at me from time to time, and one of its' paws curled round tightly on my fingers, as though it could gain some comfort from it. The taxi driver at first thought that it was sick and refused to take me, but after hearing that it was an injured stray he was more compassionate, and when we reached the SPCA, was so touched that he said, "No need to pay. Take it as my contribution for the cat." I thought that was a really kind gesture of his.

Left the kitten there - it was so pretty, with wide eyes and ginger colored, would have grown up to be really nice. Somehow it knew, that I was leaving it, because when I passed the box to the staff, it because distraught as well, and kept clawing the box and making a sort of anguished, wailing noise - rather feebly, almost like it was lamenting its' short life. The staff said it was about 2 months old. I cried not for the fact that it was going to be put down, I just was slightly traumatised at seeing suffering, and knowing for sure that the end was near.

Warrie said that what I did should be applauded, but I really did not deserve the compliment - I actually deliberated what I should do, and even contemplated walking away. That was really I wanted to wrap it in my coat but at the same time, feared that moving it would cause further injury. I felt really bad for even having to think what I should do, and whether I should do it. In the Bible, it said that Jesus looked at the people with compassion in his eyes. I imagine tears, too. I couldn't stop tearing - but I did not feel stupid or anything, just real sad that this happened and I was there to do something about it. Perhaps if Jesus sees the things I've done, he would be sad too. I am so weak sometimes I just want to be wrapped tightly, and hold on to His finger.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Bread and Fish

In the darkest moments in our lives, sometimes the greatest miracles can occur.

Is it really true that when we have more needs, we actually seek God more?

I am rather satisfied this year. Of course, I do have many many needs - somehow I'm not worried about them though it's tough to wake up everyday believing for provision. God has never failed me, and this year I am just wanting 2 BIG things to happen personally, and then I'm really... happy. I believe it will happen.

Sort of touched that Fifi ate vegetarian with me too at this traditional chinese teahouse today. Manager too, wants to 'follow' me - although I suspect it's for dieting/health reasons. It's not as bad as I imagined really, just that the choices of food are really really few. Especially in the office area...I prefer not to eat sometimes. Fifi suggested to me to pack from home, some stuff... didn't really bother to try. Prata is good, so are sandwiches.

Wrote a story about what Mr BestFriend went through last year, titled "Fragile Love". I did send this to some friends, they were all seemingly touched. Hopefully I did bring across the message well. He also wanted to read it, and after he read it, it brought back memories of Lily and how the whole month was, that time. Time flies, can't believe it's almost a year to her death anniversary. I liked what he said, he said that to him, life is a journey, and we are sort of like 'stewards' on the plane... to usher people onto the 'right flight'... hoping that when we pass on, we manage to bring some, along with us.

I have such a strong, deep faith, although most of the time I'm trying to figure out how I can be myself and not lose my spiritual identity. To waver between choosing life or death, or giving up eternal life for a single tree... I think, I won't be like that. In decisions in life, once you waver, most probably you're a goner. Decide, and stand firm.

Sometimes you just need convictions in your decisions. And if you have nothing solid to stand on, you fall.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Don't wait till you're my age

Heard Tetra say to Kie yesterday, "Don't wait till you're my age."

Being at least 5 years apart he probably has seen so much youthful potential then and now, perhaps this statement is tinged with regret. Me too, I have heard this phrase recently from a woman in her late 20s. I guess she means to say that I should treasure my relationships with the male species and try to take it a step further if it is possible, or just don't be too choosy when it comes to love. Am I? For the matter I don't have high moral standards, just perhaps a similar level of physical attraction. After all, guys want their girlfriends to be pretty, right? Vice versa applies here! At least young, healthy looking, nice features and taller than me.

And I realised that almost all the church girls are 'shu nus' - long hair... erm, typical gu-niang look... honestly I'm not attracted as well... though, some did take the effort to dress up. I'm non 'shu-nu', nor 'sporty', I think I prefer to have the socialite rock chic look. Messy wavy locks pinned to the side with tendrils sticking out here and there. Sharp jeans with uber chic black sandals. Manicured nails. A design tee or sexy blouse. Yes.

Most of the girls were in heels. Skirt(must cover knee) Very thick makeup that day. Hair is long and straight. Boyfriends wore tee shirt and cannot-make-it-jeans. If my boyfriend was around, I'd kill him for being so lacklustre. Thank God my co-leader of the group wore a decent blue shirt and chinos to 'match' me, his stunning looks, his killer style and natural camaderie did more than save the day for me. I must say that he is very considerate towards my emotions! Hope no one thinks we have something going on...

I realised that after Jazzmatazz I had a high standard of physical attraction - for me. Maybe because I've already went out with all the 'most handsome' guys in church, or they are my personal friends, that I really thought the types that presented themselves yesterday were way below average. Maybe it's only younger ones that present an attraction to me. Or perhaps my heart is someplace else, that I look through the crowd with dulled eyes, that no one else can compare to the one I deem the best. I've decided that if I know the best, the best is the best.

And after jazzmatazz we went out with the older guys to discuss about dating, love, and making the first move. Juicy topics to spark interest in me. I did learn from the discussion, about how older people thought and felt about relationships with the opposite gender in general. My cell members told me to consider marrying 'ang moh' to dance jazz with me. I thought that was quite a considerable idea.

Why Singaporean men don't dance in public anyway?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Deep talks

With some people you just wish time could cease and you don't have to stop spending time with the person because it's late, or you have to leave to someplace else.

Yes, I have the 'tell-me-your-life-story' face.

I'm always amazed that people I barely know well, will share with me honestly, what happened to them, in their lives. I'm always enriched by these recounts, almost as if I was reliving them myself. For them, I believe too, that the sharing of past hurtful experiences releases a little bit of the hurt inside, so I am happy that they choose to share, and that I am here, to listen.

Spent a nice evening with Warrie after the float parade yesterday... we did not have anywhere to go, but we just wanted to spend time talking. We had a conversation about God, too. I did not attempt to answer his questions but just listened and tried to understand his reasonings. His life story was pretty tremendous - after his girlfriend of 6 years left him for an ang-moh, he was so...out of his mind that he actually maxed out his credit cards, all 10 of them. (I was wondering, what did he buy!) a staggering sum...he had to live hand-to-mouth after that. Repaid all, already, with enough left over now. From the way he talked, I could sense that he really loved her, even though it happened some years back. This relationship was probably the deepest, which hurt the most.

Warrie's the type I like, the type of guy that just adores you, thinks the world of you despite him being successful, intelligent as well... he just brings out the best in whoever he's with. With him, I laughed and laughed, felt natural, at ease, like old friends...none of the tension and drainedness I feel when I'm with Grass. Warrie's the type that will send you to your doorstep, and take another cab home, though it makes no sense (and a waste of money too) to wait for one just 5 minutes after I've gone. He's the paying type, too. Someone trustworthy who also respects your independence. Woo, I like! Forgot to give him a goodnight kiss for being so nice, hahaha...

I realise I'm awfully blessed that at least most of my guy friends are so...chivalrous - Mr BestFriend is, so are many of the people I've dated in Trinity... awww. Although I do know of some other friends who are totally otherwise. I guess they leave a bad impression comparing to those who ae remarkably outstanding.

Talked a lot with Turtle too. She shared of previous experiences - similar to Mr BestFriend's ...her ex- passed away last year. He was 26. I could not take it, hearing of such painful stories. Sadistically we talked abou being married and what if he- our husband just dropped dead - or we, died before him. For me, I would prefer to go first. I'm not even sure my faith can stand the test of being newly-wedded and then having him pass away. For her, she would prefer to go first, as she did not want him to see her die before him. A saddening topic for a chat, but I guess death is truly unexpected. And once again I realise I'm blessed, to have parents who are vigorous and non-diseased, a healthy body, and not having tasted the bitterness of death. Turtle is strong in character because of this, and her dad having died in front of her when she was young. I remember John Amos telling me, through pain and suffering, it's not the reault that God is interested in, it's the process. Though we have many unanswered questions and cannot imagine the destiny for those, we have to trust in a greater purpose.

With some people, it's just natural to talk about deep stuff - perhaps they, in a sense, are thinkers too... or just more open to share with me. I don't know why some people, despite knowing them for quite some time, our conversation is limited to the daily affaires and mundane happenings. I relish deep thoughts though. =)

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The ONE thing I'd ask

This year is the Year of the Dog.
Which is my year.
Which makes me 24 years old
But, I am born on CNY eve in the Lunar Calendar.
So I am only 23.
But my real birthday has not come around yet.
So I am still 22.

Oh it's difficult explaining how I can be two years older within a couple of weeks' difference. Arh, never mind.

More important questions at hand.

Finished one chapter - Well 95% complete of the chapter in the book/novel I'm writing. I write several chapters and little parts at a time, so that's quite good already. It's quite draining mentally as my thoughts have to 'multi task', but I do enjoy writing tremendously, it's quite a euphoric experience, though I wouldn't say better than eating chocolates.

Asked many of my Christian MSN buddies a really serious question last evening. I asked them,
"What is the ONE question you would ask God, that you really want the answer to?"

I was honestly not prepared for their answers because, I personally felt I don't have anything worth asking.

It was funny when one of them asked, "Why is Rachel asking me this question?" But all my nice MSN buddies answered openly, and sincerely. Questions like:

Will I get married?

Who will I get married to?

What is my life purpose/career/destiny?

Why am I here?

How much time left do I have?

Why does God say 'no' to prayer requests?(Those sick people we pray for, then die)

Why do miscarriages and stillborn births take place? How could God possibly have a destiny for them?

When would Jesus come back?

Why would God want to die for a person like me? Was it all worth it in the end?

Is there a shortcut to heaven? (Referring to Enoch and Elijah)

If God is real why is there war and disaster and why does He seem not to do anything about it?

Who's the right girl for me?

When is the world going to end?

Why are people not equal? (Rich, poor, different status you are born with)

I realised that there are so many questions that we do not have answers for. And more surprisingly, everyone has questions to ask. Everyone.

I have asked God the question about "Who's my life partner" before. It's strange, so many people ask this question too. Perhaps deep down inside we are also searching for the best within us. Or we are afraid of making mistakes, to fall out of His Destiny. Is there really an answer to this one? I asked those who asked this question, "Have they asked God?" Some, have not. They shared their fears about actually knowing who. Some have asked, but said they did not receive any answer. Perhaps the right one has not appeared yet! And they shared fears of not knowing, or even if knowing, fearing that they cannot accept it.

I think it's amazing that we even have the privilege to ask God... GOD! any questions.

About the question about "Who's my life partner"(More specifically, I asked last year, "Who's the best one for me?") God showed the answer - though of course I cannot be 100% certain until I get married, right. Or if I choose another man consciously.

Although I'm not so sure about accepting it yet. In fact, I'm sure I do not want it. Misapprehensions, fears, reserving the right of choice, and inclinations towards other parties.
A part of me rues the fact that I sincerely asked God, and sincerely expected an answer.

Can I accept it even though he's not what I want?

(Can he accept me, too?!)


So, if God really answered our ONE question (If we asked Him), what would you think His answer would be?

And would we really want to know it?