Chosen

" Every happy ending is the same.
Every sad story is different. "

A dear colleague told me that.

I cannot get this statement out of my mind. Perhaps it encourages me, to persevere on for mine.

Being in sad situations, one thing I am thankful for, are the guys who are around, my friends.

Having guy friends who are slightly older than me, I observe their lives, their career paths and relationship choices and, I have learnt. I've always looked forward to the age where we will proceed with our second stage in life - this year, TBO is turning 30; Kie, 29 - and it seems that it was only yesterday that we were all still young and...more spirited. Was chatting with TBO the other day and I reminded him, hey, I'm not 19 anymore...I'm grown up now.

I've made a new friend recently and I'm glad for his presence in my life. I am actually apprehensive about making new guy friends - have always kept a distance from 'newer guys' like Nono, IcedMountain, and others, not really sharing my thoughts, not really taking an interest in their lives either - not wanting to take the friendship into a deeper level.

So I was touched when Alkitab, sitting next to me, sensed that I was...not myself, and availed himself with a sincere concern. Few people are like that - attuned, and wanting to...minister. Most of us are more self-centred. Everyone loves to listen to sad stories, to analyze and give their two cents' worth, but how many people actually feel for the person who is experiencing it? I'm okay now, it's just an upset-ness that has prevailed for a long time now, precisely because I allow myself to feel for others, and I do realize NOW that actually, NOT seeing Zero is so much better because I.am.not.affected.when.I.do.not.see.him. His problems are not mine, but I have been like that too, in the past.

Haven't I also used Kie as a punching bag and forsaking him, although not in such a dramatic manner, without even a word of apology? So, in the same instance, when someone who is a friend I really care about calls me for help, shouldn't I avail myself although I can predict the outcome - and the long-term outcome, perhaps.

And I feel sad, more for him, because, it's going to be the same outcome for what he is doing, give or take a few years. He will never be happy. Doesn't he realize that for one love relationship to end abruptly, and another to begin almost consecutively, means that the girl, has already thought about it for months before, and has made certain choices for certain actions to lead to this state of affairs? I'm not one to judge or comment but, I will never do such a hurtful thing to someone I love...Not to him, nor to the other guy. And EVEN if I don't love him, I would also not do that, I just cannot imagine that.

I really thank God for Alkitab being around then, maybe only he noticed that he was on the verge of tears. I hope to repay this kindness debt one day. I always joke with Kie and the rest that Alkitab is "my best friend replacement"(because he also shares some characteristics with him, and is ... similar in ways which we can bond - ie he choses whom he wants to share with and whom he just doesn't want to talk to... me too, lah) - but I really do enjoy the company... and the encouragement. And the singing. And the smiling...

My dear colleague also told me some 'truths that set me free' - one, that I was VERY idealistic when it came to (all sorts of) relationships. It hit me, because firstly, that's so very true! I tend to write off people who have no imagination - or people who just seem...boring. Later on I realize their good points. It's getting harder (as I get older?) to really, really really love someone. Maybe I've already given my heart away, or the small crack is getting bigger.

And aren't these the choices in life everyone must face? To choose between carrying on, or moving forward? To settle for a comfortable life over one which is full of passion and excitement but no stability? To choose the father of your kids, to choose the type of environment you want to create a home in - to choose between staying or leaving - all these choices ultimately brings us to one conclusion, that is...

Is it gonna be a happy ending? Or a bittersweet one?

For those who have the power to make such choices, be glad that you can.
Many of the people I've seen - those who have never invested themselves into anything - those who are only living as shadows; they have limited choices - or perhaps, none.

I'm so upset over Zero because he has taken away a bit of myself and I wonder when I can redeem it, or if I can redeem anything, at all.

enveloped

Today,
I was in the bookstore, getting my hands on a Nicholas Sparks’ read for the weekend (I bought ‘Message in a Bottle’) when suddenly, I felt like writing you a letter.

I remembered my last letter to you.
And the last, last letter.

Both were never received because they were never sent.

The last, last – was written on pink paper with sakura prints. And sealed in a sakura-printed envelope. I carried it around in my bag for days, although I knew that it wasn’t possible we would meet, then.

Eventually, pink letter ended up on my table as a coaster of sorts.

Because I couldn’t bear to throw it away.
Because carrying it around everyday reminded me of you.

Even if you had wanted to read it, the water marks left by daily drinking cups sitting on it had already rendered it unreadable. But I still remember vaguely what I wrote.

I think I was scolding you.

The last letter, was written on Korean designed paper which came in a tiny size. I used two tiny papers and one envelope. I sneaked the paper out of my sister’s drawer (Sorry!) because I just wanted to write you, then.

I think what I wrote was cheery, and trite. Partly because I wanted you to be happy – I want everyone to be happy – and not worry about me. I know you did.

Something that was blithe but also quite insincere.

I carried around that letter in my white small bag, you know, the one I bought from Bangkok in June. I put it in that bag because we were supposed to meet that day.

But we didn’t meet and the letter is still in that bag.
I’m not going to write anymore letters to you – those words that came from and left my heart but got lost along the way.

I wanted to write a letter to you today, but I didn’t know what to write.

I think,
It’s better that I stop.

say it isn't so

Say it isn't so (don't give up on me)
Say it isn't so (don't give up on you)
Get me through the night
Make everything all right
Say it isn't so... - Bon Jovi

Have not managed to apologize to Zero and am feeling very, very lousy.
Well, we didn't have a chance to sit down and talk like I envisioned we would because we were constantly surrounded by folks, which was not a bad thing. He brought me to a nice quaint place surrounded by greenery, something I enjoy very much.

I'm upset more at myself because I cannot bring myself to talk about why I am upset. To thinkers, it's not that feelings are insignificant, it's just that they can't or won't talk about it. I find that words flow when I am typing, but face-to-face, I am just at a loss.

I guess this little friction has come to made me realise certain things that are important to me. I do try to understand Zero, and I know that he would never do anything to intentionally cause me distress, and he would probably berate himself if he knew the extent of this lousy, sad feeling I have. I like 'the way it was before'. And I'm afraid that from now on, things will change. I like change, it's inevitable. We all have to grow up, move forward and do things that are in our best interests. And in a way, we chose our friends, the people we wanted to do things with, spend time with, and grow with. Zero's been the only one who could help me effectively in my depressive state (effectively being the operative word here), and it's a beautiful thing if our cross-gender friendship grows and develops in a meaningful and positive way, whereby despite all the studies that prove romantic feelings will develop over time and silly, soppy movies where you know the ending is those sweet and unrealistic sort (which we should NOT watch) tell you that there is no existing script for this beautiful thing to happen, we should not listen to the naysayers or evilwishers and just believe, believe that friends can 'kiss and make up'; in the allegorical sense of the phrase.

I want to connect back. To resolve my issue. But I just can't seem to find the words.

October. It's been a really long month.


I am glad, in a sense that October is over. It's been a long month and I wished it was over before it even began. I get this feeling that someone else - not me - is living my life, staying in my space, breathing my air. That someone else is living my life, not me.

I take hours to make even the simplest decisions like where to go to buy something, when should I run some errands... In all the years that you've known me, I guess I've never been like this before. Even in my 'pre-quarter-life crisis' - it was bad, but not as bad as this. Although I am still hopeful for the future, our future, the future of my cell and my career and my life, I don't know where I'm headed. I've never been one to look back. But I can't help being enveloped in the memories that are still, too raw. I am upset, because it is beyond my comprehension what has been said to me. I am angry, too...I have never been an angry person, but now I fear that I can never get rid of the anger within. I feel scared everyday, when months ago, throughout my entire life, I have never been scared of anything, save the occassional wasp flying by. I feel scared by the slightest thing. I feel scared sleeping. I feel scared waking up and facing each day, not knowing if the day would be 'good', or not. And then I feel scared making the decisions I have to make each day. What time to go to work. Who to call. Where to go. WHY? I cry out, sometimes in tears, sometimes wordless, about my situation. I am not thinking too much. I cannot help feeling sad - and worse, feeling sad for no reason. Or perhaps only my subconcious knows the reason, and I cannot express it by words anyhow. People try to help me in well-meaning but useless ways. "Snap out of it... stop thinking about it." But they can't help me, and I can't help myself either. And I just get worse and worse, reading and rereading what has been worded to me. Where a friendship is supposed to be a place of support, now there is only angry words and tears. I know my actions must have hurt, but I thought we were strong. I didn't expect this outcome. I didn't expect to be so emotionally affected that now I fear I will never be the same again. A part of me has died. And I wander aimlessly, from place to place, looking at them in shades of gray, because to me now, every scene is tinged with sadness, every sunset a memory of what has passed. There is a part of everyone that is sentimental, and wants to hold on to nice memories, because without such nice things in life to cherish, life becomes impossible to live.

Dysthymia - being alive, but not living. Merely existing.

Today was a bad day.
I can't describe how scary it is waking up and living your life day by day, not knowing if today, I am myself... or I am just living in a shell of sorts. Feeling faint physically, not able to function well at work or at any other thing. I'm scared I'm going crazy, talking about my feelings only makes it worse... ... I feel like quitting all the time, just staying at home and sleeping. I have atypical depressive symptoms - putting on weight (which I'm actually happier about it, I have a cleavage now. I have never had a cleavage so am amused with it.) - although my face seems thinner. Sleeping a lot, and then cycles of not being able to sleep at all. The sleep seems to be a dark black hole, just falling into it and not feeling safe at all, just lost, and drowsy for the whole day. If I let myself fall into it, I 'blackout' for at least 2 hours.

Some decisions in life, either way you choose, it will be just bad. How can I choose to stop something which started out good, in order for me to recover? And just leave someone in the lurch? I'm not like this. And I thought that it would be worth it to have things 'back the way they were', at the expense of my own physical and emotional health.

And I can't stop my mind so either I just cry or sleep. Wish I could sleep and when I wake up everything will be all right... ...

One of my guy friends told me last week that his heart's been shattered into a million pieces. It sounds terrifying, coming from him, because he is a logical, calm, cool, collected, quiet person. To imagine him having such intense emotions would be impossible, for me. Just the other day we were looking with anticipation for the future of his heart's desire... ...and now, it all seems so bleak and pensive. Being emotionally down these days, almost depressive, has helped me to see things a bit differently. I feel more for people. And when they share about their emotions, I really can understand and feel the way they do. I never used to be able to, feel things other people do.

I asked God what should the outcome of things be, and how does He want me to be... I just want to let the unimportant things of my life go, and I've been thinking a lot about how we fill up our time with meaningless and insignificant activities. How we have been so wasteful in our lifetime, when we could have saved more money and done more for the environment. Having lunch with Creampuff, once a week, is something I look forward to. We will always eat at this foodcourt, and because he doesn't have much income due to his huge debts, he doesn't splurge on food and doesn't buy drinks to save... I followed his actions recently, eating at the same stall, bringing my purple nalgene waterbottle along...and it was so liberating. I don't really know how to explain the feeling, but it's a sense of achievement-like feel, being able to give a shit about people, and not putting them down, or the small little things they do to achieve more independence and financial freedom, like eating at food court everyday and saving to pay their family's debts.

I admire and respect people like Smallbiscuit... her family has debts too, low income, and her sister was sharing with me, about the deficit in their electricity bills. I knew they had a time when the electricity was cut off and they had to go around by candlelight at night. Their little income is not enough to pay for the debt, so month by month, little by little, they slowly paid it off and recently, they had a zero balance instead of a negative one. I rejoiced along with them, but at the same time, I realised that I had been so frivolous, spending on unnecessary luxuries, when Smallbiscuit had to work on weekends on top of her already exhausting daily work, saving every penny for the bills. Maybe, as Huntley said, when I have more commitments, I would be motivated to work harder and earn and save more. And in life, the people who have gone through this kind of hardships are the ones with backbone, with character. This year, I have learnt a lot of things about money, and I hope that what I've learnt this year will bear fruit in the next two, and I will have a sustainable wealth then.

I'm glad for these souls in my life, now, more than ever, I begin to see the value I place on these people and will hope that they are my friends for this lifetime. And I respect the way they share - their lives are not easy, but through it all, they have this indomitable spirit that gives them the energy to go on. Calbee asked me how come I sound so optimistic and cheery, not knowing that only a few hours before, I was sobbing relentlessly... last week. I am inspired by the friends I have, how they remain positive inspite of their troubles.

I've realised one reason why I am sad - and angry. At myself... Because I cherish the times spent, with Muffin; but I never had the realization of the value it has on my life. Some people have said, perhaps both of us spent too much time together and each had different expectations, so this backfired on us. I never thought it was too much time, ... I actually wished it would last longer. I feel so helpless when it comes to talking about how I feel and even sustaining a deep communication with him, maybe I'm still guarded, maybe it's because I feel that I have to be something I'm not in front of him... I just wanted to help, because I care. But I know that I'm not the one who can help, and I cannot help him. That with or without me, he will still be the same.

But a part of me wishes that if the outcome was different, that I could have made a difference, and I know it...Then, I would give my all to help. Zero asked me to count the cost, is it worthwhile for my life to give all to help this one person? For this one, it is worth it. I feel bad that I am not able to overcome my feelings. But in time, I will. I believe that there will be a point in time where I can just look at him and not remember how lousy I feel. Eventually.

i remember

Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.

It has been a rough week.

Zero, your love for Star moves me. I wish I am like you, that I have this capacity to love someone - to see her happy makes you happy and you will want her to be happy at your expense...how you can love as deep as that, I do not know. And maybe that is why you are depressed now; because you have loved her for years. I know I've said that I would have liked the old Zero; a lot, now - but in the past, I would have taken you for granted and not even wanted to be close. Because of who you are now, and because of who I am now, I treasure your presence in my life even more. I wish I had someone to love me, the way you loved her. And I know you are moving on, and it will all get better, with time.

So, me and Zero are still singing songs this week. Soppy 90s songs.
But me, been crying like shit.

I never wanted to write about any unhappy moments. Maybe I'm being a bit too idealistic, but that's the way I value happiness. It's not my way to mar the happy memories with the unhappy ones. But sometimes, things in life are bittersweet. Bittersweet. A new word I've learnt this week. When you can't find a way to describe the good, and the bad. It's crazy to keep crying everyday, I know I should deal with my feelings. But how? Engage in prayer sessions? Peruse self-help books? Talk to the person at hand? Or just forget about it? Can someone tell me how to cope.

I get lonely every saturday because I miss the hours I've spent talking with Muffin, about God, about us, about life. How do I cope with these feelings?

I feel angered and sad, because, I believe partly that is is not him who reacts like this, that somehow, a deep part of him really cared, and treasured the times we've spent together, the way I did. Other times, I wonder if he doesn't give a damn and he's been doing this to other girls, and he will continue to do this to other girls after me, that I'm one of the many who have been 'controlled'...and I wish, I wish that all the times we had, meant something to him. I wanted to ask him if it did, it would make me happy if it did... Yet, when I see him, still the same, that it has not affected him in the least, a part of me dies and I know that, things can't go back 'to the way it was'; and it perhaps may never will. No matter how mature we think we are, or how spiritual we need ourselves to be, we still need to deal with our feelings first. I have so many questions to ask Muffin, yet I fear, that it will all come to naught. I cannot forget, I remember all the things we spoke about, all the times we shared; and because I remember the bad with the good, the hurt with the joyl; because I remember, that is why I am still angered, and sad.