*...a purposeful life...

One of my guy friends told me last week that his heart's been shattered into a million pieces. It sounds terrifying, coming from him, because he is a logical, calm, cool, collected, quiet person. To imagine him having such intense emotions would be impossible, for me. Just the other day we were looking with anticipation for the future of his heart's desire... ...and now, it all seems so bleak and pensive. Being emotionally down these days, almost depressive, has helped me to see things a bit differently. I feel more for people. And when they share about their emotions, I really can understand and feel the way they do. I never used to be able to, feel things other people do.

I asked God what should the outcome of things be, and how does He want me to be... I just want to let the unimportant things of my life go, and I've been thinking a lot about how we fill up our time with meaningless and insignificant activities. How we have been so wasteful in our lifetime, when we could have saved more money and done more for the environment. Having lunch with Creampuff, once a week, is something I look forward to. We will always eat at this foodcourt, and because he doesn't have much income due to his huge debts, he doesn't splurge on food and doesn't buy drinks to save... I followed his actions recently, eating at the same stall, bringing my purple nalgene waterbottle along...and it was so liberating. I don't really know how to explain the feeling, but it's a sense of achievement-like feel, being able to give a shit about people, and not putting them down, or the small little things they do to achieve more independence and financial freedom, like eating at food court everyday and saving to pay their family's debts.

I admire and respect people like Smallbiscuit... her family has debts too, low income, and her sister was sharing with me, about the deficit in their electricity bills. I knew they had a time when the electricity was cut off and they had to go around by candlelight at night. Their little income is not enough to pay for the debt, so month by month, little by little, they slowly paid it off and recently, they had a zero balance instead of a negative one. I rejoiced along with them, but at the same time, I realised that I had been so frivolous, spending on unnecessary luxuries, when Smallbiscuit had to work on weekends on top of her already exhausting daily work, saving every penny for the bills. Maybe, as Huntley said, when I have more commitments, I would be motivated to work harder and earn and save more. And in life, the people who have gone through this kind of hardships are the ones with backbone, with character. This year, I have learnt a lot of things about money, and I hope that what I've learnt this year will bear fruit in the next two, and I will have a sustainable wealth then.

I'm glad for these souls in my life, now, more than ever, I begin to see the value I place on these people and will hope that they are my friends for this lifetime. And I respect the way they share - their lives are not easy, but through it all, they have this indomitable spirit that gives them the energy to go on. Calbee asked me how come I sound so optimistic and cheery, not knowing that only a few hours before, I was sobbing relentlessly... last week. I am inspired by the friends I have, how they remain positive inspite of their troubles.

I've realised one reason why I am sad - and angry. At myself... Because I cherish the times spent, with Muffin; but I never had the realization of the value it has on my life. Some people have said, perhaps both of us spent too much time together and each had different expectations, so this backfired on us. I never thought it was too much time, ... I actually wished it would last longer. I feel so helpless when it comes to talking about how I feel and even sustaining a deep communication with him, maybe I'm still guarded, maybe it's because I feel that I have to be something I'm not in front of him... I just wanted to help, because I care. But I know that I'm not the one who can help, and I cannot help him. That with or without me, he will still be the same.

But a part of me wishes that if the outcome was different, that I could have made a difference, and I know it...Then, I would give my all to help. Zero asked me to count the cost, is it worthwhile for my life to give all to help this one person? For this one, it is worth it. I feel bad that I am not able to overcome my feelings. But in time, I will. I believe that there will be a point in time where I can just look at him and not remember how lousy I feel. Eventually.