i remember

Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.

It has been a rough week.

Zero, your love for Star moves me. I wish I am like you, that I have this capacity to love someone - to see her happy makes you happy and you will want her to be happy at your expense...how you can love as deep as that, I do not know. And maybe that is why you are depressed now; because you have loved her for years. I know I've said that I would have liked the old Zero; a lot, now - but in the past, I would have taken you for granted and not even wanted to be close. Because of who you are now, and because of who I am now, I treasure your presence in my life even more. I wish I had someone to love me, the way you loved her. And I know you are moving on, and it will all get better, with time.

So, me and Zero are still singing songs this week. Soppy 90s songs.
But me, been crying like shit.

I never wanted to write about any unhappy moments. Maybe I'm being a bit too idealistic, but that's the way I value happiness. It's not my way to mar the happy memories with the unhappy ones. But sometimes, things in life are bittersweet. Bittersweet. A new word I've learnt this week. When you can't find a way to describe the good, and the bad. It's crazy to keep crying everyday, I know I should deal with my feelings. But how? Engage in prayer sessions? Peruse self-help books? Talk to the person at hand? Or just forget about it? Can someone tell me how to cope.

I get lonely every saturday because I miss the hours I've spent talking with Muffin, about God, about us, about life. How do I cope with these feelings?

I feel angered and sad, because, I believe partly that is is not him who reacts like this, that somehow, a deep part of him really cared, and treasured the times we've spent together, the way I did. Other times, I wonder if he doesn't give a damn and he's been doing this to other girls, and he will continue to do this to other girls after me, that I'm one of the many who have been 'controlled'...and I wish, I wish that all the times we had, meant something to him. I wanted to ask him if it did, it would make me happy if it did... Yet, when I see him, still the same, that it has not affected him in the least, a part of me dies and I know that, things can't go back 'to the way it was'; and it perhaps may never will. No matter how mature we think we are, or how spiritual we need ourselves to be, we still need to deal with our feelings first. I have so many questions to ask Muffin, yet I fear, that it will all come to naught. I cannot forget, I remember all the things we spoke about, all the times we shared; and because I remember the bad with the good, the hurt with the joyl; because I remember, that is why I am still angered, and sad.