dearly departed

Attended a wake of a friend's mom who passed. She was young, only 45. I thought deeply about life and death today. Death always seems unfair to those who are left behind. And we often forget about the nearest and dearest until they are gone from our lives.

Not too many years ago, some small incidents happened that caused me to lose the friendship of 2 of my dearest friends. As friendship goes, some are intense but are not meant to last; some are deeply meaningful and will go the distance. He was a friend for me, not just a friend, but someone to guide me along, almost a hero, yet humbly and gently deigned to spend time leisurely, with me, with whomever was near and dear to me. We attended courses, a year of prayer meetings, camps, watched movies and theatre shows, I supported his marathons, we prayed daily for each other, had many, many meals together.

It's nearly 10 years now since the teenager me was acquainted with this guy friend, and I guess he set a pretty high standard for the ones that followed. Everyone knows he's a godly and super 'zhai' guy, just being in his presence makes me feel wiser, stronger, kinder, lovelier.

So, it was quite an emotional and vulnerable moment for me when we met up again after such a long time. He's changed, I've changed. In ways, we seem to be mirrors of each other, he being a more lively, cheekier version, me being a quieter and serious one. Yet, there is still that familiarity, the familiar essence of each other's smell, voice, vibe, that just makes me utterly relaxed, utterly comfortable, without need for guise. I am really glad that those past issues can be forgotten and we can make good, for now, and I hope, me, the frivolous one, would not throw away what's important to me this time round. There's still so many years to go as friends.

And I've never really thought of him or considered him as my 'best' (male) friend, but in so many ways, he really is.

Of thoughts hitting us from out of the blue

I find it really strange, sometimes, how the mind works.

All the time we have been filling our mind with the most mundane of thoughts.
Mine usually goes: 'What should I wear tomorrow, which bag should I carry, don't forget to buy contact lens, should I buy iced or hot coffee, alamak the next train is 6 minutes later, etc'... but sometimes your mind just gets stuck on one thing like a broken record or a song you fancy so much you can listen to it 20 times on auto replay and not get tired of it.

Sometimes the things that go through my mind never fails to amaze me. It's the revelation of how, suddenly, a little vignette of a past scenario that wants to go on replay in my mind. Or otherwise, a recent occurrence that cause you to stop in your tracks and start the thinking process.

I've recently taken on an 'isolationist policy' after some tiring and personally emotionally draining events. I don't want to look old, so I made sure I had adequate rest, beauty treatments, time-consuming hobbies like scrapbooking, and the like. But yesterday I ventured forth and was last seen alone, rereading a spiritual book which is part of a reading plan I aim to complete these months, hoping that no one would chance upon me for that sacred half hour.

Alas, an acquaintance wanted to sit near me and chat.

I was polite but I admit I did not really want to...share, so I turned many could-be sharing questions into jokes with an air of nonchalance. He along with 2 ladies came to sit around me, and asked me about my resolutions, sincerely. I tried to turn the conversation into something light by replying that I had 'plans' to go to post xmas sales... and indeed, the ladies launched into the topic with heart. But I felt bad as in the past I had always tremendously enjoyed chats with him. You could say that we were on the same page. So I sincerely asked him back about his resolution as I could tell he really wanted to share, with me. And he did, and we both exchanged smiles and kind words about our jobs and lives. As I left, I just felt touched by...the essence of a human spirit, a kindred spirit. He couldn't possibly have known about all the things that had happened, by all means we were just acquaintances. Yet just by a simple sharing my heart smiled at how a kind and sincere smile could make this day a special one.

How do I tell you or anyone about this little thing I treasure between friends and lovers, the way we can both connect over observing and coming to the same conclusions about the people in our lives, the way we can talk or write to each other about that, the innate curiosity we have towards certain things of interest, that enables our friendship to last through the years and pick up where we left it, the way other friendships can't? What is that little thing? A clique, a connection of the soul? I guess the simplest way of saying it would be that we're both on the same page.

Then I realize I value this little, insignificant thing so so much. And I hope I make wise enough decisions not to ruin any treasured friendships I already have.

Short term memories

We have such short, short memories. It's almost like a disease.

If not for the photos we took or the journals we scribbled in, our memories, our thoughts and happy moments would have been something that did not take place because we could not remember.

Yesterday, TheBoyfriend wanted to surprise me with a trip to the rabbit breeder where I got Mushroom. And, with a baby rabbit of my choice. But instead of the response he expected, I burst into tears. For it was there when I first got acquainted with Mushroom, amidst the Himalayans, Flemish Giants, Dwarves and Lops and I chose Mushroom, instantly. He sniffed my feet and happily ran out of the door, and ran back. I'm not ready to have another pet just yet. I worry that my current upgrading scheme would bring about another premature ending. I worry that if it's a baby rabbit it would not survive in my care.

I could not bring myself to throw away the pink food bowl, his pink and purple ball and his toilet thingy till today. I was hit by a sudden memory of him digging happily - it was his hobby to dig, as if he was making a burrow. And I felt a strange feeling of wanting to smile yet cry, something which I've never - if rarely - felt before. I'm quite in touch with my feeler side lately.

We are only human. We miss the ones we love dearly. And while being petless may seem great for a while - you do not have to 'report' to anyone, clean anyone's cage daily, or keep making trips to the supermarket for xiao bai cai and carrots... we are human after all and we need some form of companionship. Having been best-friend-less for a while now, I can say that I look to Mushroom as a close companion and even talk to him, he seems wise and I can always feel better after sharing my innermost thoughts with him and patting his head, which he loves.

I have such a short, short memory that I almost forgot what my TheBestFriend did for me.
No matter how lousy his character is or what bad impression he left others because of his misdeeds, it wasn't like that for me. It was the purest, most beautiful form of friendship one could find. A person willing to protect me from harm at all costs, willing to listen to me for hours, eagerly spending every PH watching movies, and one who sings with me through life's sorrows and sadness.

If not for his 1 year of bestfriendship, I wouldn't have bravely faced the future. And although I was chargrined to know that the good times' are too short for me to accept, I accept now that we should remember the sweetness of the memories, and not accept a substitute when we're not ready.

If I had bought some pet right now, I don't think I can feel for it as much as I do when I'm ready to accept someone new into my life. And I think, with a grateful heart, what these 2 creatures have done for my life. When it's time to let go, it's time. Mushroom may have been the bestest pet I've ever had, but I don't doubt the future ones would bring me less joy. Derrick may have been the bestest friend (male - I have one female BFF in Oz) in need for one year of my life, but it was a happy, fulfiling year and I don't doubt that despite me finding another one now, it would erase the gratitude I have towards him. At any age, we still need best friends.

some things are better left unsaid

Around this time of the year, the christmas lights are up, the trees are lighted brightly and we are reminded to go and shop. For many of us though, it's a reminiscing time, once more. After all, the things on our mind are not the latest must-haves but the people we have once shared a connection with. Some people also think about God and how far they've been. That's why so many people 'reappear' at this season, and also, many get re-attached or newly attached. Haha.

I've had many around me who are in this 'mode', lately, so it strikes me a little too. How some names are not on my to-gift list this year. Or how some names, being mentioned, still brings out mixed feelings in me. It's mixed feelings because I can't come to a conclusion...not a conclusion about my feelings but a conclusion about the character of the person. If the person was really, not a worthy person of my friendship, then I wouldn't be anguished about it fading away and almost being unremembered. I'm someone who highly values the company I keep, maybe deep down I'm hoping a hopeless hope, not just for the friendship to be restored but for the person's life and years ahead to be a happy one, like the way I'm happy now.

A friend was sharing that he once knew someone closely who never lied... some people do have flaws like lying, smoking, exaggerating... but this person just keeps quiet thus preventing herself from lying. I thought and said that this is not a bad trait, she can truthfully say she doesn't lie! As he puts it, some things are better left unsaid, and he too won't tell those who are close to him about all he has experienced or his thoughts... if we all were truthful, I wonder how many of us would be left standing? This guy is a blessed guy in the areas of...girls liking him. He has never been single for a long period of time and since the last we met, 3 girls professed their liking for him and one even cried! They said their i love yous and i want nobody nobody but you to be my boyfriend. In fact, one of them even said 'JUST FOR ONE NIGHT' !!!! Fainted, man. I can't believe that there are these kind of people... been watching too many korean/taiwanese dramas??? I think this kind of wish 'just for one night' is quite self-destructive because even if you had a good good night, what good will this memory of that one night bring you and what does it say about your morals?

Lucky for them though, he is also a decent guy and won't just accept a girl because she has professed her head over heels. And of course, not a one-night-stand also! I approved and said that it's better for the girls this way, because it'even if they get their wish of a relationship with him... they know it's not a sincere one... so in a sense, he is letting them off lightly. It's a hard balance and a hard thing to do when someone close to you likes you, LOVES you but honestly you don't feel a thing, what are you to do? Then again, most people wish for such a thing to happen to them, that someone would love them heedlessly... obsessively... isn't it so?


I know many people want to be happy, but choosing and living their own self-destructive paths is not the right way. And when things are THAT OBVIOUS to so many, it's time to do some reflecting and seriously changing of your course of action. After all, some things are left unsaid and it's better to live a moment in misery than a lifetime of regret. Some wrong choices (or passive choices) brings about circumstances that can't be changed easily, but in the end... who suffers? It's you.

shared narratives

The Gang went to Ah Chew's desserts last night and we had a VERY interesting talk.

It was mostly about eyebrows...and eyelashes. The guys at the table were fascinated by the fact that some of us woman have embroidered eyebrows, some shave, and we also...pluck them when they are overgrown. Well...they are also amazed that eyelashes can be permed (mine!) and eyebrows can be shaved. And fake eyelashes are glued onto the lash line... it was quite a steep learning curve for them last night.

I actually have blond fake eyelashes must go try to glue them on one day...

So we went on to talk about ...relationships. With all (gasp!) at the table being single, at various stages of life - the youngest just celebrated his 21st birthday and the rest of us oldies... the topic inevitably went to the nitty-gritty between guys and girls. I asked them, 'where is your first girlfriend/boyfriend now?' and some were married, some were overseas. Mine...he is still not married I think - afterall he is not that old - but I'm glad that we still kept in touch, albeit not vis-a-vis, but through 'social networking online devices'.

They asked me if I could 'accept an Ang-moh' - and I was floored. It's true that sometimes I'm not really like an Asian, traditional, portrait of a Singaporean, Chinese woman... partly due to my upbringing and scholastic experiences. It's also true that I am very idealistic when it comes to falling in love - so I won't necessarily rule out a charming Englishman sweeping me off my feet, someone preferably with blue eye ala Hugh Grant.

Especially after watching 'Music and Lyrics', who can rule out Hugh?
Although Dr House may be more of my type of ang-moh.

But deep down inside, I think for myself, like the rest, we really need shared narratives. It's nice to imagine a handsome Englishman, or Canadian...(no Americans please) or better still, Swedish!!! hunk coming, falling head over heels... and staying... but at the end of the day we all need someone...closer to our hearts I think. I don't think I want to explain my whole life to him...

He(at Chomp-chomp): "Hej, Sweetheart, vad es de carrot-cake? Es it a cake with carrots? Vy queue is 45 minutes?"

Me: *soft sigh* "Aiya darling! It is filled with a sort of turnip which is called 'white carrot' in Mandarin therefore translating it into the English signboard it says carrot-cake which it has been known as for many years. The white version is chunkier and eggier whereas the 'black' version is drizzled with sweet black sauce; smaller chunks, and sometimes they add 'chai poh' to it -which is savoury preserved vegetables often found on 'chwee kweh'."

He: "Vah! Sweetheart, thanks for explaining it to me. I love you muaks muaks muaks"

Me: "Okay, can go queue for it already anot?"

One angmoh whom I know, who lived in Singapore for like 12 years, actually thought that carrot cake had real carrots in it till I explained it to him in this manner (without the dramatization). He never tried it during those 12 years, because of his misconception. What a waste... ...

...

But you get the picture. Although I've always lived in a city... there is a small part of me that loves the non-city... too. I don't think I'd be able to stand a guy who is like 'Wah, this place no-aircon ah?'... or who wants to spend every date with me going to shopping malls, watching movies. I do like watching movies more than the average girl (movie buff me) but... not so much of sidestepping crowds. My no-shopping malls weekends is actually going quite well, I feel less frazzled completely avoiding stepping into a (singapore) mall for...many weekends now.

I like long car rides and venturing into beautiful and obscure places in Singapore... like Dempsey Road in the afternoons... Punggol Marina at the dead of night... Seletar West Farmway, now one of my fave places too. I like places where you can't hear the traffic and you can actually hear birds chirping. Places where you can go to see stars and talk quietly about life. Places where you can hear waves swishing. Eating prata at JK at 4 am. Missing the retro cake shops at AMK where the peanut bread is chockfull with peanuts...

He doesn't have to like all these things, but it's nice to have someone who...understands. I guess being of - around - the same age is important, too. I always thought that I'd go for guys who are somewhat older than me. Like about 4 years... 6 years. 10 years or 15, also can. That would be nice. I like to be treated as a trophy wife.

Nah, just kidding. But I don't really envision myself with younger guys. Then again, I always like to say that 'love has no bounds'...

It was only towards the end of last year that I became more 'open' towards guys who are same age - or one year older - and I prayed to God about this.

If he lives in the same... vicinity as me, he would have experienced the MRT line being opened - I was...6? and we took the MRT from AMK to City Hall, wow, so fantastic... the MRT later opened at Woodlands onwards... I believe. It was so exciting to take the MRT in the first week! And I believe there were people who just took it so that they can have the bragging power to tell people they took it... yes those were the days.

That's why I'm happy that Mr A lives..near enough. Actually, so near that I am still in shock. What if he has seen me going to the market with uncombed hair and specs and no underwear?

(Then again, I guess he dun go to the market.)

I'm really happy about that (he lives near me! he lives near me!) after mistakenly thinking he lives in the ulu western part of Singapore where people have to drink newwater everyday... hee

Sometimes, I feel like this is all a crush and I'm hopefully waiting for it to disipate. After all, there are so many... ... uncertainties. I'm sure he likes someone else although he refuses to admit it. And I haven't actually talked to him vis-a-vis. I definitely don't want to scare him off by giggling non-stop if he ventures to talk to me.

But also, I feel... like what Ms Cheerful shared.

Ms Cheerful has also met a guy like Mr A and she is... in the same dire straits as me.

She said that:

"Although I sometimes do think that if I wanted to marry a guy, he might be it..I think?Sometimes I find it is hard to decipher if its a crush or if there is really something."

Hee. Although many well-meaning friends have urged me to 'find out more'... I am happy at the small facts...like, if there were not a 'series of unfortunate events' happening, we would have probably walked past each other each week and not known about the other's existence.

I just wonder... ...how it's all going to turn out?

posted

I don't want just a memory, give me forever... - Renee Olstead.


Dad in best 'Dato' shirt. And me in cheena CNY baju. At Sentosa.
(It was given by a Dato, not that he is one...)

We like to be flashy and bright, once a year.

Working in Chinatown, walking through the famous Pagoda Street, everyday, I see lots of such garb - satiny blouses and dresses with butterflies, peony, prints... Finally I couldn't resist and bought one! I just wonder when I am gonna wear it again.

I don't know why but I'm quite fussy about clothes although I have heard many people say, "Lucky you! You can wear just about anything." No la, I am too tall for local/HK brands so I can only wear Euro/American, which then again the length is alright, but sometimes too big at the sides... see, very difficult.

So I have deliberated for a long, long time about buying those cheena bajus. Although I didn't regret buying this one... and it wasn't expensive, but still... ... I don't think I'd wear it after CNY...Maybe I will give it to Mom if she can fit.

At least I didn't buy the Peranakan attire. I had the argument "buy it!", "no, don't buy it" in my mind for a few days, each day passing by the lovely embroidered bajus. I like these kind of stuff. And can wear to weddings too, although I'm not Peranakan, and I'm not a big fan of attending weddings, either. Oh well...

I've a new member in my TAG team... *elated!
He's a nice guy. Through this horrendous period I share to him online, well, on alternate days. I've never communicated like that on online platforms before, so this is kind of new for me. And I find it rather enjoyable. Somehow, being online, I can share more easily, more freely, without putting too much thought into what you want to say, just say it...besides I write so much more better than talking. I wonder what will happen when we meet and then I just stare at him, or into my coffee... I'm always glad when I meet people like this, because it reminds me of how nice life can be when you have someone to share to.

Although I am quite open, I don't really like to bother others with my problems and emotions, that's why I keep to a select few. However, in the past weeks I realize that God has answered my small prayer, hee hee, I just hope this lasts. When I make friends, I expect it to last for a long, long time. So, of course, after the last fiasco with Zero, and the silence from TBO, I hope this one will... go the distance. Are you like me, too? Making friends for years, or is it just a passing thing for you? I'm so happy he wants to join my TAG team, but with it also comes some small apprehensions because after all, we are just online chat buddies, right?

Or wrong?

=)

Helped

Red - Jesus' blood as redemption for our sins.
Gold - That which is Holy to God; 'righteousness'

Heard that there are some symbolism during this time of Chinese celebration that have a deeper, significant spiritual meaning.

For eg, the by now well-known 'kam cheng' or Peranakan heirloom pot passed down to generations, the meaning of the name is 'relationships'. Our tradition of passing each other oranges : "kam" and angpow with the "jin"/gold inside, has the same meaning of 'relationships'.

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked...
but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his Law he meditates day and night...
He is like a tree planted by streams of water...whatever he does prospers.

One point I caught from today's message is that... Some of us are blessed, some of us are a blessing to others... some of us are meant to bless other people's lives.

I'm so tired. These 3 weeks have been horrendous to me. After the weepy korean drama of last few months, I thought that I have put it all aside and things will be all cheery and easygoing, again. But noooo.

On friday last week, I felt so... scared I was actually trembling, shaking outside. I didn't know what to do so I smsed Mr A, and also msn a pal whom I update daily... I was moved to tears when he immediately prayed " That I can be calm enough not to hear the other voice but the still, small voice of God."

Facing what I have to face now, it's easy to ask God, "why me?" Why must these things happen to me? Or be in the mopey, "WISP" : wallowing in self-pity mode... Like I am so young and have such a bright future and why am I embroiled in a situation which is not my fault, etc etc... Or just have silent thoughts running through your mind that makes you...feel as if you are going crazy with the weight of the world... ...

I'm scared, too. How this would affect my cheerful outlook on life.
The ordeal two years ago was something I hope I'd never had to face again. I've forgotten most of the unpleasant things now... and have changed for the better, I hope. I'm scared what if my mental faculties can't take it, and I become... depressive again, or some other worse thing...

Does something really bad have to happen to us to remind us to pray? To never stop praying? I have been doing so, not out of habit, but as a necessity to keep myself from trembling in fear and anxiety... To keep my mind close to God as opposed to the horror I feel about my situation that does not seem likely to be resolved amicably.

Still, I'm overwhelmingly blessed by the strong presence of friends, much stronger and more mature than I.

Those who don't want to see me hurt again. And tell me so. *speechlessly touched.
Those who pray for me while they are bathing. (will do likewise...)
Those who don't know me well, who offer me a sincere concern and tell me not to cry.
Those who ask me if I need to talk...just call them.
Those who tell me to sleep early, because they know I have had insomnia and headaches the last two weeks.
Those who buy me strawberry chocolate because I'm upset and they just wanna cheer me up...

I'm blessed beyond words.
I feel bad that so many of you guys have to help me out one way or the other.

I hope that one day, I can do the same for you.

Spiritedly meets friends @ Tattoo Convention Singapore

frustrated

Every moment spent with you, is a moment I treasure...


Frustrated wabbit.

Ches is back. Not here, but in his hometown. We talked briefly, on msn.


Kie is back. And I'm meeting him tomorrow. Sweet!


Zero is...? I don't know whether he's back or not. He doesn't seem to be responding and I don't know the reason. I don't know what I should do, or think, or feel, so...
being overtired, I just want to remember the nice times, and wish that we could have them again, so... I try to be cheerful and have a take it easy kinda mentality.

Although sometimes I wish that when I call him he is not in the jungle. Hearing his voice soothes my jangled nerves somehow. (Having massage works too!)

This week, I've met people who are both... cool, and uncool.
Because I'm overtired and frustrated, I think my response to both the positive and the negative influence of people... affects me deeply.

I met Grapefruit the other day from Cat's introduction. Honestly I didn't really have a positive impression at first - was tired, cold, wet and hungry so I wasn't in the best of moods - but after, he showed that he was a really cool chap by arranging me a hosting gig (yay! catch me at the book fair *fingers crossed) and introducing me to people my company can partner with. So now we are partnering with this education organization which is a really, really big deal for us... and hopefully I can shoot, produce, host and script this entire thing as well. Today we met, and I can tell he's a really nice person - although he may come across as overbearing, he is a kindly, helpful, open and cheerful person who is really sweet too. I think I will enjoy working with him. It's people like this that are really great, not just helping you in your biz, but on a personal level, as well. I can't tell for sure whether we will have a long partnership, but I know that his advice is not only solid, it comes with the genuine intention to help.

Another guy, Breadfruit, left me with a baddddd aftertaste. We are working together on some projects. He is not as bad as KillerWhale, but... I felt so frustrated after communicating with him. As we are friends and I like his design, I have the privilege to decide to 'use his services' (for lack of better term) for one confirmed project which he is paid $xxx, already confirmed with The Boss, with myself and him. So okay. Previously as a friend we also wanted to collaborate with each other on another project which, he is doing like goodwill for me,as a friend. But suddenly, he said: 'let us establish the fee first.' I was baffled. I said, 'Didn't we agree (this was about 3 months ago we agreed and confirmed) that this one is no fee?' He had the cheek to quote me that X company's market rate is $xxxx for a similar genre project. And followed by saying for the current project, he felt that he is 'underpaid'.

I was so upset because, he is so NOT COOL - firstly we are paying above the market rate...for this, and if he views this not as a friendship but some biz transaction, then in the first place, don't agree with the price/no fee if you are NOT OKAY with it right! And then complain later. I've already axed some people who 'cannot make it' -he 'can make it' - but with such an attitude, it's hard for me to continue. Plus, I was the one who got him this project so instead of being grateful - I don't expect that - he still tells me he is paid below the market rate? @#$%#@!

So, I checked with 'independent sources' and yes, they do pay $xxx BUT it's for like possibly up to 3 days of work whereas the current one he's doing? 5 hours. And that one, is professional level one... Sigh.

I felt that maybe he is using my ignorance and kindness and trust and love to rip The Boss off (since the moolah comes from Boss right)... All I can say is that, even if he is hard up for the dough he could have at least approached/discussed in a better way. So this whole thing leaves me with a bad aftertaste. I am tensed now even thinking about it. My Boss always says if it's too difficult, leave it for now and concentrate on other things. That's good advice aye?

loved/hated/balance

There's this advertisement by New Balance that just has the words 'love/hate'; This is the New Balance and it keeps reminding me of the virtual dialogue I'm having this week with MrCheerful.

He's of the camp that one can turn from love to hate for a person and hate the person with equal intensity the way he used to love the person.

For me, I believe that you can hate someone but not with the same passion and intensity, because only love, only the emotion of love can evoke such strong feelings in an individual.

I'd never be able to hate someone like that... but this got me thinking deeply, guess MrCheerful will never realize the can of worms he has opened. I think in hindsight, I was pretty mean and said and did many mean things in my relationships. It hurts to think that they do hate me, or not able to be amicable with me in the very least... if there are people in my life that I need to ask for forgiveness, a couple of guys come to mind. Thing is, I thought that at that point in time, applying the chinese thinking 'short pain is better than a long suffering'; was a better decision then, however in hindsight I now know how it hurts to cut them off completely, to stop communicating so abruptly. I'm not someone who just shrugs it off and has a 'life goes on' mentality, I do take relationships seriously too. I don't get attached easily, I don't have feelings for people easily, sometimes being robotic is preferable. But it's been quite many years now and I do hope that they find happiness with another woman, something I was unable to provide, because I was deeply unhappy in my relationships.

Getting attached is easily, finding a happiness that lasts forever, is all too difficult. Over the course of the last month, I realise that I care, maybe a tad too much, for this MrCheerful. Aiya. You can't really help someone sincerely if you totally don't care for them, or love them a little, if I can say that... ... not that I'm Miss Helpful...I prefer to be cool, collected and unconcerned, but seeing him at the start of the downward spiral I was in last year, I could not just smile and be nonchalant, because I know what helps and what doesn't, because only bestfriend Zero could help me; and it seems so opportune that he started the sad poet mode days after we got acquainted. Sometimes, I do wish I were a bit more robotic and stop imagining the possibilities. Perhaps we had to connect in this manner, maybe something good will come out of all these sadness. I don't know if that will be a consolation to his weariness but I actually do appreciate a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid to tell the world he is missing someone. *claps* This society is so convoluted nowadays that only in lovelorn korean dramas you get guys that are like, constantly thinking of the girl, even in work, can just 'wander' to her house area and 'bump' into her and she is thinking of you too, haha... I bet Singaporean guys are too boggled up in their work to even eat or exercise properly, don't say fall in love until like that, lor.

I guess as much as we are busy with things, we still like the feeling of having someone to talk with, play with and someone who will listen to you.

It eats me that I care, maybe I care, too much for this chap. I cannot take out the caring feeling; and put it into a box and mail it to him, so what am I going to do with it?

I need to talk to someone.

profiled

Photo pulled from old hard disk - Was in Aceh, tsunami rebuilding effort of '04. Have a sudden urge to go build a house again. Or just to be somewhere with open skies,doing something meaningful.

Almost halfway through 'Persuasion' by Jane Austen. In summary it is about a lady, strong in character but not blessed by looks or charm, who wrestles with issues of long-ago. Her father is a Baron so some issues were about judging people by their birth and the underlying questioning about what is the significance and which is more important? I'm surprised to find that the issues of yesteryear still remain today, the ruthless questioning about identity and we do still judge people by whether they are the son of the president of the bank or by looks or by work status, somehow I just dislike that, although I must admit that too often I am guilty of it myself.

And I have the unfortunate position of being judged by many today. Was in The Church for an event. Caught up with a dear friend, a tall guy, before that, for dinner so sat with TallGuy. As TallGuy is someone highly respected/admired by all, automtically people would look and see who he's with..right... and that's still okay with me although I happen to be the sit at the back row and go unnoticed, obscure, low profile type these days. He was even being interviewed by The Church media and photographed infront of everyone (I 'siamed' the photographers)...haha actually he was blushing also, first time I saw my old friend blush, did enjoy the moment and saying 'You are blushing' which made him blush further and he denied...LOL. But you can imagine the attention which I really did not like. I feel that people sometimes distract you from the things you should focus on which was the reason I never like attending some events... So of course, MORE people noticed the highly respectable and admired friend of mine and more people noticed lil old me. Because my friend is the person he is, I feel being totally judged by those pairs of eyes - I don't think they were intentionally profiling me or should I have deserved the undue attention if I had not come with him, but I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate the fact that people should profile and judge, and while a part of me wants to play up some misconceptions that people have about me, another part of me wished fervently that I was not in this position. Some people even nudged him and asked about me in front of him! Roar! (Dear best friend, if you are reading this, know that you are subjected to the same scrutiny and people ASSUME that we are having some other relationship than friendship. If you must know.) This just spoils the friendship, makes it awkward for both parties - what to say if someone asks? 'At this point of time we are not attached thank you very much' or 'Not my type'? or worse, 'CMI (cannot make it)'? How hurt the other person would be, as a friend. There is no way to go about this! I even feel bad just wanting to whisper funny random thoughts that I have in my mind, to him! Of course I'm sure he feels bad on my behalf too. Who asked him to be single for SO LONG and respected by all?

Sidetrack: We have the same idea of not letting our kids watch TV till they are about 7 years old, at least.
...

On a brighter note, had a nice conversation with MrCheerful. It's been too long since I've seen a burst of sunshine on the other side, in the usual drearyness and drudgery of daily work. Did tell him so, although I don't even think he has an inkling of how much that meant, to me. Although all of us today face similar issues to what Jane Austen's contemporaries did, I think we 'get rid' of it faster, owing to new technology distractions...the availability of people to rant at by sms- phone-or on msn. So we feel less disturbed/angry etc, but at the same time we fail to build up our character which we can only in a place where there is the absence of the crowd, and the strength of thought. And in these times we find that our character is stronger than we thought it to be, and our spirit more positive than dwelling in those unhappy moments and reliving them by repeating it to countless msn buddies. I'm a low-tech person because I want more peace in my life. I just need one phone which works and one mp3 player which I don't need to read the user manual for and one man in my life who truly loves me and understands what I'm talking about.


Although maybe sometimes listening to what is left unsaid is more important than understanding what was said.

keyed - a tribute

Have decided to post up a dear friend's photos here. He is very much alive and kicking by the way!

(This was during the time I was trigger happy and my Lumix was still working fine.)

Mostly not seen by anyone except me before, whoo hoo, here is Kie like you have never seen him before!!

Kie, a kindly friend who is single but has high expectations, like all my other single and approaching 30-male counterparts... (I also have high expectations. 'High'... geddit? Lol.)


Kie, 25y. The church camp. First time ever they held it in Thailand we were all raring to go! I remember the group of young adults at that time wanted to jetski, so me and Kie went to 'rackey' the price... Kie looked like Thai so they told him a low price but when they saw the big group of Singaporeans they upped it immediately. Haha. Was quite touched when he offered to go together with me on the jetski - I can't swim - but I decided to bravely face the waters myself! And...I can say that I've canoed (without a life jacket) in Malaysian open seas when I was 12 (and I can't swim!) and I've jetskied on my own, hooray!!!


Later in the same year, AHM. I went to a few runs that year to support all my friends and also to train myself should I have a husband who runs (That year I believed I would) - have to wake like 5 am on a beautiful sunday?!!...Well, this is taken after the race. Kie did not really train and was slightly sick so we were worried that he would pass out but he managed to complete it!


Kie when he was 26...woo. Church event - sports day thingy. It was the era of him always wearing soccer jerseys and bermudas plus the loveable 'no-need-gel' floppy hair which attributes to his droolsome factor!


We were in a committee meeting, this is at the now obsolete Carepoint - a branch of our church. Me and Kie used to partner quite frequently in church events - nice to work with such an easy going guy.


End of the year we had a cell christmas party which was a whooping success, about 40 people in total turned up and quite a few stayed on till this day, I had this idea of using a 'christmas round the world theme' - and had my friend's lovely Balmoral condo. We also had a fancy dress 'hat' theme - explains my witch hat and his pirate hat. (Kie has this photo in his wallet... hee)


Back in those days when I am soooo creative... here's a spoof on the very popular ipod theme when it first came out. I used Kie's very distinguishable 'silhouette' and some of the other Church people whom this campaign was targeted at. If you ask me how I did it... I think I had lots of time then, because each rendering took at least an hour, plus the photo taking. Was quite difficult to get the silhouettes looking right, a different angle and the person would look warped. But I like the challenge and I was glad the poster wowed everyone. If I had time I would do more stuff like this.


The final poster. I loved it. Spot me? About the design, I usually design stuff with very grayish and neutral undertones, prefer to use brights as highlights rather than main colors; but this was the first time I experimented with such bright hues - note the title...Yet, I think it didn't come across as childish -or a kids' event, which I was afraid of it turning out that way. Really happy with the outcome. It had a fresh appeal at that point of time with the ipod mania 2 years ago.

Lunch (and Dinner...and Dessert) Buddies

We are citizens of eternity -Fyodor Dostoyevsky


Can't live without you...

Bonding over food is something quite meaningful for me, most of my lunchtimes are quite meaningfully spent catching up with people in the area (of Raffles City to Tanjong Pagar), and having discussions, work-wise.

Here are some photos I took of most of my lunch buddies during april-may (Haha! Rather outdated.) In chronological order! Also meant to keep track of what unhealthy foods I eat on my lunch hours...I actually don't eat at hawker centres or food courts at all - maybe once in a month anyways - and it's always chicken rice. ($2.50 at Maxwell!)


Eileen on assignment with me, we were at Chip Bee, later eating at Crystal Jade at Holland V.


Huntley my awesome ex-colleague. Till this day we still meet frequently for lunch and activities like golf. I had some aglio olio at this place in Amara.



Ches... the last time he was in SG this year for a engineer test. We went to Breeks, I find the food there awfully decent and I do frequent that place A LOT. Always ordering the chicken patty...


Haha... so unflattering. Here's my first lunch with CJ. He brought me to a 'quiet Malay stall' very nice nasi padang and my favorite, beef rendang - and here's his previous office along Tanjong Pagar. He was in the midst of flapping his hand at me to chase my camera away - claims he's camera-shy.


White Dog Cafe - with LT and my chocolate truffle cake (which I haven't had in ages!) I remember I was sniffling sick and always fell sick at this period of time... still, the cake was enjoyable. Actually this was for tea on the same day as CJ I think...


Boss with his subway cheese steak melt and me, always going for Italian BLT! 'Tapao' to office as usual - Amara's subway is always super crowded.


A humongous burger that the guys shared... at New York New York. Hahaha... Looks like Jason wants it all!


Kie, offering it to me...


Food art - my name in ketchup by master artist Jason


I had this - I have a weakness for paninis. Surprisingly filling, Kie had to help me finish...


We had ice cream afterwards at Azabu Sabo! What a feast!


Lunching at MOS burger with colleague and her salad...


Mine - I always eat this fish burger or the teriyaki chicken or spicy dog.




Fantastic Creme Brulee at OCha with Melvin after assignment.


Makan buddies at Chompchomp. I ate 7 chicken wings that day... Haha, they were floored!


The sugarcane glasses are HUGE... but somehow we always managed to finish the drink.


I always make it a point to order the pizza - choose your own ingredients and eat it piping hot! Oooo!


Korean food at the Amara Hotel Food Court...YUMMY! The kimchi's excellent - restaurant standard I tell you!


Discussion at Kopi alley, Icon - I must say that their service is wonderful and so is the Teh-C. Here's CJ's Kopi and my Teh-C looking happy!


Yong Tau Foo at this restaurant in International Plaza, they also serve a decent chinese fried rice.




Caught up with my best friend at Carls' Junior for dinner. His work keeps him really busy so am always delighted to meet him at our favorite shopping center Vivo - also quite near to my workplace.






Next day meeting Justine for a catchup - I love donuts too! I can eat like 3 at a go... although I now sway towards the ones with less creme fillings. With the opening of new JCos now there is hardly any queue on weekdays at the one in Raffles City! Yes!


Lunch. I do like fast food unfortunately... time to induce some new eating habits. Thank God for my high metabolism...


Also been frequenting the HK Cafe at Marina simply because there are not many alternatives for a nourishing and inexpensive supper in the town area... BestFriend likes it a lot too. So, I am having my usual HK milk tea and I love the thick toast with peanut butter and condensed milk. They make a really drippy one! (The one at Anchorpoint not so drippy, eh)


Nicee indian food at Amara foodcourt. Am spoilt for choice here at Tanjong Pagar... but unfortunately, my lunch is always at other sites! Roar!
Who wants to have lunch with me please, meet me here...


Eating Yami yogurt while crossing the road to The Office. Yami yogurt at Icon is nice - The outlet there serves it up fresh and ingredients are super nice too. I always have mine with mixed nuts its a great combination with the sweetness of the yogurt.

Think I shall do this again (taking photos of almost every lunch and dinner) it's a great way to see how my eating habits have changed over time... or in different locations.

==

Additional! Thailand food! From the June camp...


Sipping from a coconut after hitting Cha-am. I love the feel of those beachy places...


One of my favorite desserts. This is at a restaurant near Siam Square. Apparently it's quite popular with tourists because it is jam-packed full... however, I think the Thai food here is so much ... tastier?


The durian lovers Malaysians and Singaporeans could not resist getting a taste of the Thai durian at HuaHin... but after the sampling we decided Segamat durian rules!
Please bring back some for us!


I highlighted this Thai tea in my travel show... called "cha'yan", it is similar in texture to teh tarik - very milky, sweet, aromatic type of tea. They blend it the same way too. Here I had mine at Chatuchak. The one I had in some cafe was too... thick, I think after you drink it you will have a sugar high!


I remember those days we hung out at Serene Centre's Black Canyon coffee, here we have a chance to try the nice coffee in HuaHin... all agreed it was superb! Much better than.. starbucks?


Thai beef noodles. It's surprisingly tasty and I can't get enough of it...I think I ate it almost every time we went to a food court there.



Yummy! These sure does bring back memories...I was here 3 years ago with TBO and Kie, we sampled these delicious desserts (Though Kie did not try the warm durian with thick milk sauce) Still found at the MBK foodcourt and as good as ever.


The Japanese restaurant called 'Fuji' found almost in every shopping centre in BKK - this one is Zen, I think. The salmon is really good because its fresh from the BKK rivers.


Am always happy when my hotel breakfast has warm toast (must be warm) with butter. My usual is a bowl of muesli with milk and warm toast, some croissants, with hot tea...Haha. Am boring that way.

Hungry...