frustrated

Every moment spent with you, is a moment I treasure...


Frustrated wabbit.

Ches is back. Not here, but in his hometown. We talked briefly, on msn.


Kie is back. And I'm meeting him tomorrow. Sweet!


Zero is...? I don't know whether he's back or not. He doesn't seem to be responding and I don't know the reason. I don't know what I should do, or think, or feel, so...
being overtired, I just want to remember the nice times, and wish that we could have them again, so... I try to be cheerful and have a take it easy kinda mentality.

Although sometimes I wish that when I call him he is not in the jungle. Hearing his voice soothes my jangled nerves somehow. (Having massage works too!)

This week, I've met people who are both... cool, and uncool.
Because I'm overtired and frustrated, I think my response to both the positive and the negative influence of people... affects me deeply.

I met Grapefruit the other day from Cat's introduction. Honestly I didn't really have a positive impression at first - was tired, cold, wet and hungry so I wasn't in the best of moods - but after, he showed that he was a really cool chap by arranging me a hosting gig (yay! catch me at the book fair *fingers crossed) and introducing me to people my company can partner with. So now we are partnering with this education organization which is a really, really big deal for us... and hopefully I can shoot, produce, host and script this entire thing as well. Today we met, and I can tell he's a really nice person - although he may come across as overbearing, he is a kindly, helpful, open and cheerful person who is really sweet too. I think I will enjoy working with him. It's people like this that are really great, not just helping you in your biz, but on a personal level, as well. I can't tell for sure whether we will have a long partnership, but I know that his advice is not only solid, it comes with the genuine intention to help.

Another guy, Breadfruit, left me with a baddddd aftertaste. We are working together on some projects. He is not as bad as KillerWhale, but... I felt so frustrated after communicating with him. As we are friends and I like his design, I have the privilege to decide to 'use his services' (for lack of better term) for one confirmed project which he is paid $xxx, already confirmed with The Boss, with myself and him. So okay. Previously as a friend we also wanted to collaborate with each other on another project which, he is doing like goodwill for me,as a friend. But suddenly, he said: 'let us establish the fee first.' I was baffled. I said, 'Didn't we agree (this was about 3 months ago we agreed and confirmed) that this one is no fee?' He had the cheek to quote me that X company's market rate is $xxxx for a similar genre project. And followed by saying for the current project, he felt that he is 'underpaid'.

I was so upset because, he is so NOT COOL - firstly we are paying above the market rate...for this, and if he views this not as a friendship but some biz transaction, then in the first place, don't agree with the price/no fee if you are NOT OKAY with it right! And then complain later. I've already axed some people who 'cannot make it' -he 'can make it' - but with such an attitude, it's hard for me to continue. Plus, I was the one who got him this project so instead of being grateful - I don't expect that - he still tells me he is paid below the market rate? @#$%#@!

So, I checked with 'independent sources' and yes, they do pay $xxx BUT it's for like possibly up to 3 days of work whereas the current one he's doing? 5 hours. And that one, is professional level one... Sigh.

I felt that maybe he is using my ignorance and kindness and trust and love to rip The Boss off (since the moolah comes from Boss right)... All I can say is that, even if he is hard up for the dough he could have at least approached/discussed in a better way. So this whole thing leaves me with a bad aftertaste. I am tensed now even thinking about it. My Boss always says if it's too difficult, leave it for now and concentrate on other things. That's good advice aye?

confessed

Everyone has gone mad.

Sugar-Daddy-Wannabe has been bugging me for some time with smses and calls of which I seldom responded, or responded curtly. Today, on the telephone:

SDW: I think I have never confessed this to you, but I really like you.
Me: (not amused) Oh, I don't know what to say.
SDW: I just keep thinking of you and would like to get to know you better.
Me: *grunts sardonically*


Later, he smsed me

'Hope you don't feel more awkward after I told you my feelings!'

... I don't feel awkward, I feel damned sad for his wife.

Zero called too, we talked for a wee bit. =)

i must be firm

Do you have to let it linger? - Cranberries

Will be selling almost all my books away on yahoo! auctions and the upcoming flea marts, my annual book clearance sale. Have listed some today, my nickname is spiritedlychic.

I've never had a strong attachment to physical things. Even dresses or watches I like, I don't really take care of them.

That is why now I am so disturbed in my spirit that I have formed a deep emotional attachment to someone.

It's been said to me that all problems we have are caused by ourselves.

Zero, you were right. I must be firm. In order to help others, I have to help myself, too.

When I feel sad, I cry. It's only natural.
I have always been in touch with my emotions.
But lately, have been supressing them.

So I don't cry. I burst. For 5 seconds. And stop.

It is in my inherent nature to care for people. I don't know why I've formed such a deep bond with this one. And even though I am still hopeful, that things will work out for the good of those who love God, I am skeptical as well.

Because I know myself.
And I know him.
And I know some parts of ourselves, we are never really able to change.
Despites the promises we make to each other.

==

Either you care too much, or you don't care at all, so which do you think I prefer?
I'm sorry, I just hate that things turn out this way.

goodbye muffin

We cannot expect things to stay the same. While it is nice to savor the memories, at times like this it may be wiser to do something about it.

A long silence means the end of a chapter.
I've heard all I wanted to hear, already.

A long silence means I just need to be alone for a while.
To think about stuff. To reflect on everything. You know.

After all that has been said and done, I realised that perhaps, I care too much and this brings the downfall of an otherwise happy 'working' relationship. I couldn't ask for more (and I won't, so...) Celebrate Life.

Sometimes we are better off standing at a certain place and watching the world go by.

==

Because of the recent turn of events I find myself shopping incessantly. Well, at least I 'palm' down all my expenses immediately so that I can see how much I've spent within a day. But actually this doesn't work as I don't feel guilty about it at all. It's just a number. Like how I've spent a three digit number on sunday and a two digit one yesterday. Retail liberates.

But for other things I've been quite penny pinching. So it should all work out just fine. For those who have the shopping bug, though here are some new tips from me. And also a 'note-to-self'.

1. If you absolutely have to be at a shopping centre,
(waiting for a friend, eating dinner etc)... go to a bookstore, or a supermarket. Not much unnecessary splurges there - unless you are like me, I never buy one book alone. Must get a 'friend' for it, too. =(

2. Don't bring 'too much' cash, you will feel rich, too rich. Don't carry credit. Just a debit one. It does work.

3. Bring a small branded bag so you won't feel tempted to buy any clothes...

4. Eat full. Somehow when you are hungry you will buy more things. Also when it's raining.

5. Make a list of what you need and don't deviate from it. Then again, make sure your list is not too long.

6. When in suburban areas, don't feel tempted to check out the shops on the second level up. The best places not to shop at are level one and the basement floors.

7. Only buy certain things on sale. I absolutely only buy underwear and footwear and bigger ticket items like cameras, big bags, handphones etc on sale. That way, I feel that it's more justified and can afford upper scale brands for the former.

8. Always save more than you spend. (Tough, but stick to it and you'd be rich one day.)

Living with the Muff

You Say it's easy
But who's to say,
That we'd be able to keep it this way.

- Bryan Adams, Straight from the Heart.

Some deep lines. Paradoxical, actually. The "but who's to say" actually refers to "whether we are able to keep it this way", rather than referring to "you saying it's easy."

A moody post.

But anyways, thought this line meaningful especially in light of me and Muffin's recent 'lowdowns'. Or showdowns. I've been perfectly upset. Honestly. And it's not often someone can make cheery me feel that way. After all, it's just a friendship between two people and friendships are supposed to make you feel good (not all the time, ya) but I mean, who is so sadist to keep going out with a friend who is... 'not nice at all'?

I guess at certain junctures, a platonic (I hate that word) friendship between a man and a woman has gotta question itself, just because it's generally not accepted, either in the minds of those around them, or in their own minds. We are close it's true. But in my opinion, not close enough to warrant alarm bells going off. Maybe, as I told him, that he is closer to me than I him. You can have a close physical relationship but maybe not so much, in thoughts. I suppose because of my previous experiences, I find it hard to connect totally and share what's on my mind. Really, this is something I've been working on but I do share almost everything with Muffin.

It takes a lifetime to know me, and the past week has been pretty trying because of the supposedly appropriate boundaries we are supposed to have. That's where me and Muffin are on diverse tangents. I always tell him, 'to be yourself with me, what's the point of having a friendship if we are not ourselves?' And just to do what he likes, and be happy. Generally, I am very content to be in places of non-conflict. That is why I am perturbed that each time we meet, within minutes, a disagreement will take place. And I was sad about that, too. I guess it's his way of guarding me and him, and in light of certain explanations, I'm thankful for that, for having a friend who really cares about what people think if they see us walking slowly in a picturesque place like One Fullerton, gazing at the stars together. Either way, I don't really care what people think. Maybe my attitude is wrong, and we should have a bit of both, but this way, I'm totally open, limitless, free, and this helps me to be the leader I am today.

I don't understand his reasoning, really. For making me walk faster because it's too couple-y to walk slowly in picturesque places. I'm tired out from a day's worth of walking, going to sales calls and the last thing I want to do after work is to rush from place to place. (He apologized after I brought it up, which was sweet.) But I really really don't understand! I mean, I won't like him just because we are walking slowly. Conjecturally, if I like him, I would like him whether or not we are walking fast or slow...and erm, I just don't understand. (Anyways we have agreed to walk slowly from now on, whether or not it seems couple-y. Because if he's going to tell me 'can you walk faster?' in a domineering and mean voice again, his head will meet my shoe.)

One of the strongest reasons why people like each other anyways is because they see themselves in each other, and they also see a part of the other person that complements them. I'm talking about mature people here, not emotional wrecks who seem to like people every other two weeks or so. There are many people I like in this world because of certain qualities they have, but definitely not because of setting the appropriate boundaries, either way. When I realised that Muffin was being mean to me intentionally in case I get emotionally attached to him... sigh. I really don't know what to say. That I'm already emotionally attached, anyways? Or why are you afraid of it? Why not embrace it?

After all, other people cherish deep friendships and look at ours and wish they could have what we have.

I wanted to give up a little and actually not continue meeting Muffin because he is so 'not nice' the last week. It's too trying for me, having to deal with all sorts of people daily and then another one when you are off-work. Sometimes when we disagree I just 'drift off' and remain silent. It's my withdrawal survival mode. I feel sad when we argue. So I keep quiet and actually my mind drifts off to a faraway place. It's wrong, I know. I should be fully present. Not going on space trips like this. But he should also not just jump at me at the smallest detail I am misinformed about.

In the first place, you like each other, that is why you are friends. Right?
And if you are scared that your friend will like you, why don't you pray for her not to?

Sob!