Living with the Muff

You Say it's easy
But who's to say,
That we'd be able to keep it this way.

- Bryan Adams, Straight from the Heart.

Some deep lines. Paradoxical, actually. The "but who's to say" actually refers to "whether we are able to keep it this way", rather than referring to "you saying it's easy."

A moody post.

But anyways, thought this line meaningful especially in light of me and Muffin's recent 'lowdowns'. Or showdowns. I've been perfectly upset. Honestly. And it's not often someone can make cheery me feel that way. After all, it's just a friendship between two people and friendships are supposed to make you feel good (not all the time, ya) but I mean, who is so sadist to keep going out with a friend who is... 'not nice at all'?

I guess at certain junctures, a platonic (I hate that word) friendship between a man and a woman has gotta question itself, just because it's generally not accepted, either in the minds of those around them, or in their own minds. We are close it's true. But in my opinion, not close enough to warrant alarm bells going off. Maybe, as I told him, that he is closer to me than I him. You can have a close physical relationship but maybe not so much, in thoughts. I suppose because of my previous experiences, I find it hard to connect totally and share what's on my mind. Really, this is something I've been working on but I do share almost everything with Muffin.

It takes a lifetime to know me, and the past week has been pretty trying because of the supposedly appropriate boundaries we are supposed to have. That's where me and Muffin are on diverse tangents. I always tell him, 'to be yourself with me, what's the point of having a friendship if we are not ourselves?' And just to do what he likes, and be happy. Generally, I am very content to be in places of non-conflict. That is why I am perturbed that each time we meet, within minutes, a disagreement will take place. And I was sad about that, too. I guess it's his way of guarding me and him, and in light of certain explanations, I'm thankful for that, for having a friend who really cares about what people think if they see us walking slowly in a picturesque place like One Fullerton, gazing at the stars together. Either way, I don't really care what people think. Maybe my attitude is wrong, and we should have a bit of both, but this way, I'm totally open, limitless, free, and this helps me to be the leader I am today.

I don't understand his reasoning, really. For making me walk faster because it's too couple-y to walk slowly in picturesque places. I'm tired out from a day's worth of walking, going to sales calls and the last thing I want to do after work is to rush from place to place. (He apologized after I brought it up, which was sweet.) But I really really don't understand! I mean, I won't like him just because we are walking slowly. Conjecturally, if I like him, I would like him whether or not we are walking fast or slow...and erm, I just don't understand. (Anyways we have agreed to walk slowly from now on, whether or not it seems couple-y. Because if he's going to tell me 'can you walk faster?' in a domineering and mean voice again, his head will meet my shoe.)

One of the strongest reasons why people like each other anyways is because they see themselves in each other, and they also see a part of the other person that complements them. I'm talking about mature people here, not emotional wrecks who seem to like people every other two weeks or so. There are many people I like in this world because of certain qualities they have, but definitely not because of setting the appropriate boundaries, either way. When I realised that Muffin was being mean to me intentionally in case I get emotionally attached to him... sigh. I really don't know what to say. That I'm already emotionally attached, anyways? Or why are you afraid of it? Why not embrace it?

After all, other people cherish deep friendships and look at ours and wish they could have what we have.

I wanted to give up a little and actually not continue meeting Muffin because he is so 'not nice' the last week. It's too trying for me, having to deal with all sorts of people daily and then another one when you are off-work. Sometimes when we disagree I just 'drift off' and remain silent. It's my withdrawal survival mode. I feel sad when we argue. So I keep quiet and actually my mind drifts off to a faraway place. It's wrong, I know. I should be fully present. Not going on space trips like this. But he should also not just jump at me at the smallest detail I am misinformed about.

In the first place, you like each other, that is why you are friends. Right?
And if you are scared that your friend will like you, why don't you pray for her not to?

Sob!