profiled

Photo pulled from old hard disk - Was in Aceh, tsunami rebuilding effort of '04. Have a sudden urge to go build a house again. Or just to be somewhere with open skies,doing something meaningful.

Almost halfway through 'Persuasion' by Jane Austen. In summary it is about a lady, strong in character but not blessed by looks or charm, who wrestles with issues of long-ago. Her father is a Baron so some issues were about judging people by their birth and the underlying questioning about what is the significance and which is more important? I'm surprised to find that the issues of yesteryear still remain today, the ruthless questioning about identity and we do still judge people by whether they are the son of the president of the bank or by looks or by work status, somehow I just dislike that, although I must admit that too often I am guilty of it myself.

And I have the unfortunate position of being judged by many today. Was in The Church for an event. Caught up with a dear friend, a tall guy, before that, for dinner so sat with TallGuy. As TallGuy is someone highly respected/admired by all, automtically people would look and see who he's with..right... and that's still okay with me although I happen to be the sit at the back row and go unnoticed, obscure, low profile type these days. He was even being interviewed by The Church media and photographed infront of everyone (I 'siamed' the photographers)...haha actually he was blushing also, first time I saw my old friend blush, did enjoy the moment and saying 'You are blushing' which made him blush further and he denied...LOL. But you can imagine the attention which I really did not like. I feel that people sometimes distract you from the things you should focus on which was the reason I never like attending some events... So of course, MORE people noticed the highly respectable and admired friend of mine and more people noticed lil old me. Because my friend is the person he is, I feel being totally judged by those pairs of eyes - I don't think they were intentionally profiling me or should I have deserved the undue attention if I had not come with him, but I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate the fact that people should profile and judge, and while a part of me wants to play up some misconceptions that people have about me, another part of me wished fervently that I was not in this position. Some people even nudged him and asked about me in front of him! Roar! (Dear best friend, if you are reading this, know that you are subjected to the same scrutiny and people ASSUME that we are having some other relationship than friendship. If you must know.) This just spoils the friendship, makes it awkward for both parties - what to say if someone asks? 'At this point of time we are not attached thank you very much' or 'Not my type'? or worse, 'CMI (cannot make it)'? How hurt the other person would be, as a friend. There is no way to go about this! I even feel bad just wanting to whisper funny random thoughts that I have in my mind, to him! Of course I'm sure he feels bad on my behalf too. Who asked him to be single for SO LONG and respected by all?

Sidetrack: We have the same idea of not letting our kids watch TV till they are about 7 years old, at least.
...

On a brighter note, had a nice conversation with MrCheerful. It's been too long since I've seen a burst of sunshine on the other side, in the usual drearyness and drudgery of daily work. Did tell him so, although I don't even think he has an inkling of how much that meant, to me. Although all of us today face similar issues to what Jane Austen's contemporaries did, I think we 'get rid' of it faster, owing to new technology distractions...the availability of people to rant at by sms- phone-or on msn. So we feel less disturbed/angry etc, but at the same time we fail to build up our character which we can only in a place where there is the absence of the crowd, and the strength of thought. And in these times we find that our character is stronger than we thought it to be, and our spirit more positive than dwelling in those unhappy moments and reliving them by repeating it to countless msn buddies. I'm a low-tech person because I want more peace in my life. I just need one phone which works and one mp3 player which I don't need to read the user manual for and one man in my life who truly loves me and understands what I'm talking about.


Although maybe sometimes listening to what is left unsaid is more important than understanding what was said.