Chosen

" Every happy ending is the same.
Every sad story is different. "

A dear colleague told me that.

I cannot get this statement out of my mind. Perhaps it encourages me, to persevere on for mine.

Being in sad situations, one thing I am thankful for, are the guys who are around, my friends.

Having guy friends who are slightly older than me, I observe their lives, their career paths and relationship choices and, I have learnt. I've always looked forward to the age where we will proceed with our second stage in life - this year, TBO is turning 30; Kie, 29 - and it seems that it was only yesterday that we were all still young and...more spirited. Was chatting with TBO the other day and I reminded him, hey, I'm not 19 anymore...I'm grown up now.

I've made a new friend recently and I'm glad for his presence in my life. I am actually apprehensive about making new guy friends - have always kept a distance from 'newer guys' like Nono, IcedMountain, and others, not really sharing my thoughts, not really taking an interest in their lives either - not wanting to take the friendship into a deeper level.

So I was touched when Alkitab, sitting next to me, sensed that I was...not myself, and availed himself with a sincere concern. Few people are like that - attuned, and wanting to...minister. Most of us are more self-centred. Everyone loves to listen to sad stories, to analyze and give their two cents' worth, but how many people actually feel for the person who is experiencing it? I'm okay now, it's just an upset-ness that has prevailed for a long time now, precisely because I allow myself to feel for others, and I do realize NOW that actually, NOT seeing Zero is so much better because I.am.not.affected.when.I.do.not.see.him. His problems are not mine, but I have been like that too, in the past.

Haven't I also used Kie as a punching bag and forsaking him, although not in such a dramatic manner, without even a word of apology? So, in the same instance, when someone who is a friend I really care about calls me for help, shouldn't I avail myself although I can predict the outcome - and the long-term outcome, perhaps.

And I feel sad, more for him, because, it's going to be the same outcome for what he is doing, give or take a few years. He will never be happy. Doesn't he realize that for one love relationship to end abruptly, and another to begin almost consecutively, means that the girl, has already thought about it for months before, and has made certain choices for certain actions to lead to this state of affairs? I'm not one to judge or comment but, I will never do such a hurtful thing to someone I love...Not to him, nor to the other guy. And EVEN if I don't love him, I would also not do that, I just cannot imagine that.

I really thank God for Alkitab being around then, maybe only he noticed that he was on the verge of tears. I hope to repay this kindness debt one day. I always joke with Kie and the rest that Alkitab is "my best friend replacement"(because he also shares some characteristics with him, and is ... similar in ways which we can bond - ie he choses whom he wants to share with and whom he just doesn't want to talk to... me too, lah) - but I really do enjoy the company... and the encouragement. And the singing. And the smiling...

My dear colleague also told me some 'truths that set me free' - one, that I was VERY idealistic when it came to (all sorts of) relationships. It hit me, because firstly, that's so very true! I tend to write off people who have no imagination - or people who just seem...boring. Later on I realize their good points. It's getting harder (as I get older?) to really, really really love someone. Maybe I've already given my heart away, or the small crack is getting bigger.

And aren't these the choices in life everyone must face? To choose between carrying on, or moving forward? To settle for a comfortable life over one which is full of passion and excitement but no stability? To choose the father of your kids, to choose the type of environment you want to create a home in - to choose between staying or leaving - all these choices ultimately brings us to one conclusion, that is...

Is it gonna be a happy ending? Or a bittersweet one?

For those who have the power to make such choices, be glad that you can.
Many of the people I've seen - those who have never invested themselves into anything - those who are only living as shadows; they have limited choices - or perhaps, none.

I'm so upset over Zero because he has taken away a bit of myself and I wonder when I can redeem it, or if I can redeem anything, at all.