*...a purposeful life...

Dysthymia - being alive, but not living. Merely existing.

Today was a bad day.
I can't describe how scary it is waking up and living your life day by day, not knowing if today, I am myself... or I am just living in a shell of sorts. Feeling faint physically, not able to function well at work or at any other thing. I'm scared I'm going crazy, talking about my feelings only makes it worse... ... I feel like quitting all the time, just staying at home and sleeping. I have atypical depressive symptoms - putting on weight (which I'm actually happier about it, I have a cleavage now. I have never had a cleavage so am amused with it.) - although my face seems thinner. Sleeping a lot, and then cycles of not being able to sleep at all. The sleep seems to be a dark black hole, just falling into it and not feeling safe at all, just lost, and drowsy for the whole day. If I let myself fall into it, I 'blackout' for at least 2 hours.

Some decisions in life, either way you choose, it will be just bad. How can I choose to stop something which started out good, in order for me to recover? And just leave someone in the lurch? I'm not like this. And I thought that it would be worth it to have things 'back the way they were', at the expense of my own physical and emotional health.

And I can't stop my mind so either I just cry or sleep. Wish I could sleep and when I wake up everything will be all right... ...